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Posted: Monday 02 November 2009 ( 14 years ago )

Jephthah's Daughter

In the last killing, the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah and he promised that he would offer to God a burned sacrifice of whatever comes out to greet him if God would help him massacre the Ammonites. God came through with his end of the deal by ...

Posted: Monday 02 November 2009 ( 14 years ago )

The Ammonite massacre

This is the fifth time the same stupid story is repeated in Judges (See Judges 2:14, 3:8, 4:2, and 6:1 for the others), so you know by now what's going to happen. The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord. God gets angry and sell ...

Posted: Thursday 29 October 2009 ( 14 years ago )

A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit

After Gideon died, it was time for his sons to take over. And he had lots of them. Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. And his concubine that was in Shechem, she also bare him a son, whose name he called ...

Posted: Tuesday 27 October 2009 ( 14 years ago )

Collision: Are Douglas Wilson's beliefs good for the world?

A couple years ago I mentioned the online debate between Douglas Wilson and Christopher Hitchens. Since then, they've been traveling around debating each other all across the country. And now now they're making a movie about it. The movie is named Co ...

Posted: Sunday 25 October 2009 ( 14 years ago )

Gideon's story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow

Here's a story about Gideon. You know, they guy they named the Bible after. It starts out in the usual way: The Israelites "do evil in the sight of the Lord," so God sells them into slavery. Then "the children of Israel cried unto the LORD" ...

Posted: Friday 23 October 2009 ( 14 years ago )

Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull

In God's last killing, God “discomfited” the Canaanite army, causing them all to be killed. (It's not clear how God did this, but he probably forced them to kill each other. He likes doing stuff like that.) But Sisera, the captain of the Canaa ...

Posted: Thursday 22 October 2009 ( 14 years ago )

Barak and God massacre the Canaanites

This is just another variation of the same stupid story. So if you've been following along, you can predict what's going to happen. 1. The Israelites did evil in the sight of the Lord. The children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the L ...

Posted: Monday 19 October 2009 ( 14 years ago )

Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad.

The entire story takes place in just one verse. Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad. "And he also delivered Israel." Shamgar … slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel. Judges 3.31 The i ...

Posted: Sunday 18 October 2009 ( 14 years ago )

God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites

After Ehud delivered God's message to Ehud (a knife blade in the belly), he blew a trumpet to summon all the Israelites. Ehud … blew a trumpet … and the children of Israel went down with him. Judges 3.26-27 Then he told the people: Follow ...

Posted: Saturday 17 October 2009 ( 14 years ago )

Ehud delivers a message from God

Remember how in his last killing, God was so angry at the Israelites for worshiping other gods that he sold them as slaves to King Cushy? Yeah, well, pretty much the same thing happens here, except the names, places, and times change. The children ...

Posted: Friday 16 October 2009 ( 15 years ago )

The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim

God was angry at the Israelites for ignoring him in favor of Baal and Asheroth ("the groves" in the KJV). The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, and forgat the LORD their God, and served Baalim and the groves. Judges 3.7 So he d ...

Posted: Wednesday 14 October 2009 ( 15 years ago )

Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots

This is hodgepodge of killings from the rest of Judges 1. After the Jerusalem Massacre, the "children of Judah" go on a God-assisted smiting spree, wiping out a bunch of kingdoms "with the edge of the sword." You can read all about it in Judges 1 ...

Posted: Monday 12 October 2009 ( 15 years ago )

The LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites

After Joshua died, the Israelites wondered who was going to do their killing for them. So they asked God. Can't you just picture it? Several million Israelites asking God together in unison: Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, t ...

Posted: Friday 09 October 2009 ( 15 years ago )

God's Killings in Joshua

Here's a summary of God's killings in Joshua. Killing Event Verse Estimated number killed Cumulative total 1 The Jericho Massacre Joshua 6:21 1000 1000 2 A family are stoned and burned to death Joshua 7:10-12, 24-26 5 1005 3 The Ai Massac ...

Posted: Wednesday 07 October 2009 ( 15 years ago )

The Anakim: Some more giant killing

We've finally made it to the last of God's killings in Joshua. And although this one is pretty unspectacular, it does involve some giant killing. If you remember back in Deuteronomy, God killed everyone in the "land of the giants." Here he helps Jo ...

Posted: Friday 02 October 2009 ( 15 years ago )

The Bad-News Bears: A guest post from Brucker

I think a lot of people are surprised to hear that I like Steve Wells. I have a personal theory about the way people interact with each other, and it's very telling when you see the way people interact in particular on the Internet. You see, if someb ...

Posted: Friday 02 October 2009 ( 15 years ago )

Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God commanded.

The title pretty much says it all on this one. It's kind of boring reading though. Joshua took Makkedah, and smote it with the edge of the sword, and the king thereof he utterly destroyed, them, and all the souls that were therein; he let none rem ...

Posted: Monday 28 September 2009 ( 15 years ago )

Five kings killed and hung on trees

In his last killing, God got right in there and "fought for Israel." He "discomfited them ... and slew them with a great slaughter ... and chased them along the way." He "cast down great stones from heaven" and made the sun (and moon) stand still st ...

Posted: Tuesday 22 September 2009 ( 15 years ago )

God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get his killing done before dark

Joshua and the Israelites have been slaughtering or enslaving the people from every city that they came across. They killed everyone in Jericho and Ai and enslaved the people of Gibeon (Joshua 9.21-27). So the neighboring cities were getting kind of ...

Posted: Friday 18 September 2009 ( 15 years ago )

Gay people can (and should) quote the Bible too

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity ...

Posted: Wednesday 16 September 2009 ( 15 years ago )

The Ai Massacre

After stoning and burning to death Achan and his family, Joshua was back in business. God told Joshua to do unto Ai as they did unto Jericho, except that this time the Israelites could keep some of the loot for themselves (instead of giving it all t ...

Posted: Saturday 12 September 2009 ( 15 years ago )

Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

This is one of those bible stories that most believers don't really believe in, if they know it exists, that is. It's simply not possible to believe this story and also believe that the God of the Bible is anything other than evil. The story begin ...

Posted: Tuesday 08 September 2009 ( 15 years ago )

The Jericho Massacre

Jericho is one of God's more famous killings. And believers seem to like it a lot. They sing songs about it, and tell their children about it. Here's how it goes. God tells Joshua that he has given the city of Jericho into his hands and that he and ...

Posted: Friday 04 September 2009 ( 15 years ago )

God's Killings in Deuteronomy

Here's a summary of God's killings in Deuteronomy. Killing Event Verse Estimated number killed Cumulative total 1 God slowly kills the Israelite army Deuteronomy 2:14-17 500,000 500,000 2 God kills the Zamzummim in the land of the giants 2:2 ...

Posted: Wednesday 26 August 2009 ( 15 years ago )

Has God forced you to eat any of your children lately?

Me neither, and I don't know why. God was very clear about it in Deuteronomy 28. If you don't follow all of his laws, he will force you to eat your children. Here are just some of the things God promises to do to you if you don't follow his l ...

Posted: Wednesday 19 August 2009 ( 15 years ago )

All the men, women, and children in 60 cities

I suppose I could call this God's 30th to 89th killings, since there must have been 60 separate killing events. If God did the killing himself, he could have done it all at once. But he was relying on people to do his killing for him, so it must hav ...

Posted: Tuesday 18 August 2009 ( 15 years ago )

God hardens King Sihon's heart so that all his people can be killed

After God killed off all the old soldiers and at least most of giants, it was time to get what was left of the Israelite army moving again. Rise ye up, take your journey, and pass over the river Arnon: behold, I have given into thine hand Sihon ...

Posted: Monday 17 August 2009 ( 15 years ago )

God the giant killer

After God kills off the old soldiers in his early retirement program and before the new, youthful army begins to kill again for him, he brags a bit about some of his past killings. He is especially proud of knocking off an entire race of giants, the ...

Posted: Friday 14 August 2009 ( 15 years ago )

God slowly kills the Israelite army

This is a strange one and I completely missed it until now. Read it and let me know what you think. And the space in which we came from Kadeshbarnea, until we were come over the brook Zered, was thirty and eight years; until all the generation ...

Posted: Monday 10 August 2009 ( 15 years ago )

God's Killings in Numbers (Don't complain about them!)

Here's a summary of God's 13 killings in the Book of Numbers. Killing Event Verse Estimated number killed Cumulative total 1 God burned people to death for complaining Numbers 11:1 100 100 2 God sent "a very great plague" for complaining ab ...

Posted: Friday 07 August 2009 ( 15 years ago )

The Midianite massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?

This is a bible story that everyone should know. It begins with God telling Moses to take vengeance on the Midianites. (He doesn't say for what, but I guess it was for the sex and dinner party that brought on God's last round of killings.) ...

Posted: Thursday 30 July 2009 ( 15 years ago )

A killing to end God's killing

This is really a strange one, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Maybe you can help me sort it out. (In any case, this is definitely a story to mark up in you next Gideon Bible.) It all happens in the first few verses of Numbers 25, right after ...

Posted: Tuesday 28 July 2009 ( 15 years ago )

You're in good hands with Moses

OK. This is just another boring massacre. Sorry about that. You pretty much know the story line by now. The Israelites were busy killing people and stealing their land, when they came upon King Og and the people of Bashan who fought back. And ...

Posted: Monday 27 July 2009 ( 15 years ago )

The context of John 3:16

The most popular verse in the Bible by far is John 3:16. Nearly everyone, believer or skeptic, can quote this verse. But in case you've forgotten it, here it is. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever belie ...

Posted: Thursday 23 July 2009 ( 15 years ago )

God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water

When it comes to this Bible story, there are only two kinds of believers: those who have never heard of it, and those who are embarrassed by it. Here's the story. The Israelites began to complain about the lack of food and water. And the sou ...

Posted: Wednesday 22 July 2009 ( 15 years ago )

The Massacre of the Aradites

Don't you just hate God-assisted, holy war massacres? I do. They're so damned boring. But we might as well get used to them because God likes them. A lot. There are about 50 holy war massacres on the list of God's 135 killings in the Bible. So ther ...

Posted: Saturday 18 July 2009 ( 15 years ago )

And they fell on their faces (FOF)

When I was writing about God's last killing (His 21st, for those keeping score), I noticed that people were often falling on their faces (especially when they saw the glory of the Lord). So it got me thinking. This seems to be something that people i ...

Posted: Thursday 16 July 2009 ( 15 years ago )

14,700 killed for complaining about God's killings

In case you haven't been following along, here's what has happened so far in Numbers 16. Korah and his companions question Moses' leadership, saying "Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD ...

Posted: Monday 13 July 2009 ( 15 years ago )

250 burned alive for burning incense

In his last killing, God showed whose side he's on by opening up the ground and burying alive the leaders that opposed Moses (along with their families). And it made quite an impression on everyone. All Israel that were round about them fled at the ...

Posted: Sunday 12 July 2009 ( 15 years ago )

The opposing party is buried alive (along with their families)

Our story begins with Korah and his companions confronting Moses. Here's what they say to him. Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves a ...

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