0 Skeptic's Annotated Bible / Quran / Book of Mormon

They slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword. Genesis 34:26

Trivia: Why do thorns and thistles exist?

Language in the The Bible

According to Proverbs 30.5, "Every word of God is pure." If so, then there's a lot in the Bible that isn't the word of God. Try reading 2 Kings 18.27, Ezekiel 23.20, or Malachi 2.3, for example.

I tried to apply the Proverbs 30.5 rule at the SAB by highlighting verses that just don't seem pure enough to be included in the "word of God."


  1. "Lest ... they go a whoring after their gods ... and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods." 34:15-16
  2. Leviticus

  3. Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean...." 15:1-15
  4. "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16
  5. "And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17
  6. "The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:18
  7. "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
    This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32
  8. God is angry at the people for sacrificing to devils and going a whoring after them. 17:7
  9. Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
  10. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19
  11. Don't "lie with any beast." You probably weren't planning on doing this, but now you know just in case you get the urge sometime. 18:23
  12. If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out. 18:25
  13. Don't "go a whoring" after Molech or "commit adultery with him." (Don't you love it when God talks dirty?) 20:5
  14. Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring" after them either. 20:6
  15. A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20
  16. A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5
  17. Numbers

  18. God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20
  19. "And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days?" 12:14
  20. After the people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab," Moses has them all killed. Then God tells Moses to hang their dead bodies up in front of him; God says that this will satisfy him. 25:1-5
  21. Deuteronomy

  22. Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." 10:16
  23. God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2
  24. God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14
  25. God says not to bring any whore, sodomite, or dog into the house of the Lord. For "these things are an abomination to the Lord." Sodomites and dogs are biblical names for homosexuals. 23:17-18
  26. "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57
  27. Judges

  28. They went a whoring after other gods." 2:17
  29. "Gideon made an ephod ... and all Israel went thither a whoring after it." 8:27
  30. "As soon as Gideon was dead ... the children of Israel ... went a whoring after Baalim." 8:33
  31. 1 Samuel

  32. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12
  33. After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17
  34. "If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
    David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22
  35. "Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall."
    If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall". 25:34
  36. 1 Kings

  37. "Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it." 14:11
  38. "Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked."
    Note from the Oxford Annotated Bible: "He has gone aside ['he pursueth' in the KJV] is probably a euphemism for attending to natural needs." 18:27
  39. "Thus saith the Lord, in the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick thy blood, even thine."
    God says that dogs with lick Ahab's blood. But Jezebel, not Ahab, was repsonsible for Naboth's death. 21:19
  40. Killing everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10, 16:11, 21:21
  41. The dogs shall eat Jezebel."
    Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in the sight of the Lord." To punish her, God will feed her dead body to the dogs. He also plans to feed Ahab's family to the dogs (if they live in the city) and to the birds (if they are country folks). 21:23-25
  42. Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and "took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out of the land," or as the RSV says, "he exterminated" them. 22:43, 46
  43. 2 Kings

  44. "For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall." 9:8
  45. God has Jezebel thrown off a wall. Her blood is sprinkled on the wall and on the horses, by which she is trampled. Her body is eaten by dogs and all that remains of it is her hands, feet, and skull. God says that she "shall be as dung upon the face of the field." 9:33-37
  46. Eating dung and drinking piss 18:27
  47. 1 Chronicles

  48. But the Israelites "transgressed against the God of their fathers, and went a whoring after the gods of the people of the land, whom God destroyed before them." So God inspired the Assyrians to enslave the Israelites. 5:25-26
  49. 2 Chronicles

  50. After Solomon died, his son Rehoboam became king, and everyone in Israel came to talk to him, begging him to not be the jerk his father was. Rehoboam said that he'd be even nastier. His dad laid heavy burdens upon them and tortured them with whips; he would torture them with scorpions. If Solomon had a big dick, Rehoboam has an even bigger one. "My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins." 10:3-11
  51. Job

  52. Job says that humans perish at death like their own dung. 20:7

    Well, one might fault him for his choice of words, but the idea seems sound enough.

  53. Psalms

  54. The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
  55. They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14
  56. God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that he doesn't. Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says that he will throw his shoe at them. 60:7-8
  57. God will "wound the head of his enemies" so that the righteous can wash their feet "in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same." 68:21, 23
  58. The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28
  59. "They that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee." 73:27
  60. The psalmist asks God to " do unto them as unto the Midianites ... which became as dung for the earth." 83:9-18
  61. "Thus were they defiled with their own works, and went a whoring with their own inventions." 106:39
  62. Proverbs

  63. Watch out for those evil, strange, and whorish women who lie around waiting to trap innocent men. 6:24-26
  64. "Whores" and "strange women" lie around waiting to trap innocent men. 23:27-28
  65. "As a dog returneth to his vomit..." 26:11
  66. Isaiah

  67. How did a faithful city become a harlot? 1:21
  68. God will "smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion" and "will discover their secret parts" since he doesn't like the way they dress and walk. 3:16-17
  69. "Instead of a sweet smell there shall be stink ... instead of well set hair baldness ... and burning instead of beauty." 3:24
  70. God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20
  71. God sends a "perverse spirit" among the Egyptians and causes them to err "as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit." 19:14
  72. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18
  73. "All tables are full of vomit and filthiness." 28:8
  74. Talking about graven images Isaiah says, "thou shalt cast them away as a menstrous cloth." 30:22
  75. "Tremble, ye women that are at ease .. strip you, and make you bare ... They shall lament for the teats." 32:11-12
  76. What other book besides the Bible talks about people eating "their own dung" and drinking "their own piss?" And to think Bible believers object to the language in Tom Sawyer! 36:12
  77. "I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine." 49:26
  78. Ye sons of the sorceress, the seed of the adulterer and the whore."
    You sons of witches, adulterers, and whores! 57:3
  79. Jeremiah

  80. Jeremiah insults people by calling them "harlots" who have sex on every hill and under every tree. 2:20
  81. God compares Jerusalem's sinful ways to a promiscuous woman, or a wild donkey in heat. 2:24
  82. "Thou hast played the harlot with many lovers." 3:1
  83. "See where thou hast not been lien with. In the ways hast thou sat for them ... and thou hast polluted the land with thy whoredoms." 3:2
  84. "Thou hadst a whore's forehead."
    Jeremiah loves to insult people. His favorite insult is to call someone a whore. 3:3
  85. "She is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played the harlot." 3:6
  86. Judah commits adultery with "stocks and stones." 3:9
  87. "Thou ... hast scattered thy ways to the strangers under every green tree." 3:13
  88. "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart" or God will burn you to death. 4:4
  89. "As fed horses in the morning: everyone neighed after his neighbor's wife." 5:8
  90. "Behold, their ear is uncircumcised." 6:10
  91. God will cover the earth with dead bodies that will not be buried. "They shall be for dung upon the face of the earth." 8:2
  92. Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well. 9:26
  93. "For the greatness of thine iniquity are thy skirts discovered, and thy heels made bare." 13:22
  94. God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it! 13:26-27
  95. God tells Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he's going to kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all "shall die of grievous deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried, but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth." 16:1-7
  96. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Drink ye, and be drunken, and spue, and fall, and rise no more, because of the sword which I will send among you." 27:27
  97. God will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with their dead bodies. No one is to mourn them or even bury them; "they shall be dung upon the ground." 16:4, 25:31-33
  98. Jeremiah asks God to make Moab drunk, and predicts that Moab will "wallow in his vomit." 48:26
  99. Lamentations

  100. Jerusalem is compared to a naked woman who sighs and turns backward. "Her filthiness is in her skirts." 1:8-9
  101. "The adversary puts his hand upon "all her pleasant things." 1:10
  102. "Jerusalem is as a menstrous woman." (To God this is an insult.) 1:17
  103. When God gets angry at you he calls you a drunken whore. 4:21
  104. Ezekiel

  105. God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the dung that cometh out of man." (Yum!) 4:12
  106. God dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments her on her nice hair and breasts. 16:6-7, 22
  107. Jerusalem was a harlot who had sex with everyone that passed by. If no one was available, she "committed whoredom" with "images of men." 16:15-17
  108. "Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them." 16:17
  109. "Thou ... hast opened thy feet to every one that passed by." 16:25
  110. "Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy neighbours, great of flesh." (Jerusalem had sex with Egyptians with big penises.) 16:26
  111. Jerusalem still wasn't satisfied after having sex with the the well-endowed Egyptians (v.26), so she had sex with Assyrians, Canaanites, Chaldeans, and complete strangers, but still was not satisfied. So she hired men to "come in unto [her] on every side." 16:28-29
  112. God calls Jerusalem "an imperious whorish woman." 16:30
  113. God says that Jerusalem has sex with strangers, hiring them to "come in unto thee on every side." 16:32-33
  114. Because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her nakedness before all of her lovers. 16:35-37
  115. After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more. Then he'll have her stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords." 16:38-41
  116. "I will consume thy filthiness out of thee." 22:15
  117. Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49
  118. "Their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity." 23:3
  119. "Thus she committed her whoredoms with them ... with all their idols she defiled herself." 23:7
  120. "They bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her." 23:8
  121. "And the Babylonians came to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom, and she was polluted with them." 23:17
  122. "So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness ... she multiplied her whoredoms." 23:18-19
  123. Really Big Penises. One of the sister (Aholibah) had lovers "whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." 23:20
  124. "The lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth." 23:21
  125. "Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD." 23:34
  126. God gets all excited about cooking with "scum" and human flesh, saying "kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned. Her scum shall be in the fire." 24:3-14
  127. Hosea

  128. God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3
  129. God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3
  130. God "will not have mercy upon ... the children of whoredoms. For their mother hath played the harlot." 2:4-5
  131. Committing whoredom by going a whoring with the spirit of whoredom. 4:10
  132. If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom" and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13
  133. Even more whoredom! "They have committed whoredom continually." 4:14-18
  134. "O Ephraim, thou committest whoredom." 5:3
  135. "The spirit of whoredoms is in the midst of them." 5:4
  136. "They commit lewdness." 6:9
  137. "There is the whoredom of Ephraim." 6:10
  138. Israel has "gone a whoring" and has "loved a reward upon every cornfloor." 9:1
  139. Amos

  140. "A man and his father will go in unto the same maid, to profane my holy name." 2:7
  141. Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will be killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. 7:17
  142. Micah

  143. "For she gathered it of the hire of an harlot, and they shall return to the hire of an harlot." 1:7
  144. Plucking off skin, flesh from bones, eating human flesh, flaying off skin, breaking bones, chopping bodies in pieces, making human stew. 3:2-3
  145. Nahum

  146. "Woe to the bloody city!" 3:1
  147. God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4-6
  148. Zephaniah

  149. God will "bring distress upon men" so that they "walk like blind men." He will pour out their blood like dust and "their flesh as dung." 1:17-18
  150. Malachi

  151. "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." 2:3
  152. Matthew

  153. While insulting the Pharisees and Sadducees, John the Baptist calls an entire generation a "generation of vipers." 3:7
  154. Jesus often called people names. One of his favorites was to call his adversaries a "generation of vipers." 12:34
  155. The ever-so-kind Jesus calls the Pharisees "hypocrites, wicked, and adulterous." Why? For asking for some evidence that Jesus is who he claims to be. 16:3-4
  156. When Peter expressed his dismay when Jesus announced his coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 16:23
  157. Jesus speaks harshly of his disciples when they fail to cast out the devil, saying "O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you?" 17:17
  158. Jesus calls his critics fools, hypocrites, serpents, vipers, killers of the prophets, and just about every other name he can think of. 23:13-37
  159. Mark

  160. Jesus initially refuses to cast out a devil from a Syrophoenician (non-Jewish) woman's daughter, calling the woman a "dog". After much pleading, he finally agrees to cast out the devil. 7:27
  161. "Get thee behind me, Satan." When Peter expressed his dismay about Jesus' coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 8:33
  162. "This adulterous and sinful generation"
    Jesus accuses an entire generation (his contemporaries) of sinfulness and adultery. 8:38
  163. Jesus gets mad at his disciples for failing to cast out a devil and says, "O faithless generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? 9:19
  164. Luke

  165. John the Baptist calls all of his contemporaries "a generation of vipers." 3:7
  166. "O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you, and suffer you?" 9:41
  167. Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt 5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40
  168. Jesus calls the people hypocrites because they cannot "discern this time." 12:56
  169. The man (whoever he was) who talked with the two unnamed apostles on the way to Emmaus calls them "fools," thereby making himself a candidate for "hell fire." (Mt 5:22) 24:25
  170. John

  171. Jesus calls his opponents (the Jews) the sons of the devil. 8:44
  172. "All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers."
    Everyone that ever lived before Jesus was a thief and a robber. 10:8
  173. Acts

  174. "Ye stiffnecked and uncircumcised in heart and ears.... Ye have been now the betrayers and murderers." 7:51
  175. "Thou child of the devil, thou enemy of all righteousness" 13:10
  176. "And when they [the Jews of Corinth] opposed themselves, and blasphemed, he [Paul] shook his raiment, and said unto them, Your blood be upon your own heads." (Have a nice day?) 18:6
  177. Paul has kind words for everyone. Here he says to the high priest, "God will smite thee, thou whited wall." 23:3
  178. Romans

  179. Paul calls people fools, thus making himself worthy of "hell fire." (Mt 5:22) 1:22
  180. I'm not sure who Paul is talking about here, but they're all a bunch of proud, wicked, malicious, deceitful murderers, backbiters, and God-haters. 1:28-31
  181. 1 Corinthians

  182. Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and make them members of an harlot?" He further asks, "Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body?" 6:15-16
  183. Paul calls people fools, thereby making himself eligible for "hell fire" (according to the words of Jesus in Mt 5:22). 15:36
  184. Galatians

  185. If anyone dares to disagree with Paul on religious matters, "let him be accursed." 1:8-9
  186. Paul calls the Galatians "foolish" and thus makes himself worthy of hell fire. (Mt 5:22) 3:1
  187. "I would they were even cut off which trouble you." Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul meant by "cut off". The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!" 5:12
  188. Philippians

  189. "Beware of dogs ... beware of the concision." I'm not sure who Paul is calling "dogs" here, but it's probably the Jews -- those of "the circumcision," as opposed to Christians, who are of the "true circumcision." 3:2
  190. 1 Thessalonians

  191. Paul accuses "the Jews" of killing Jesus, persecuting the prophets, displeasing God, and being "contrary to all men." He concludes that the wrath of God will "come upon them to the uttermost. 2:15-16
  192. 1 Timothy

  193. Young widows are always idle tattlers -- "busybodies, spreading things which they ought not." He adds that "some are already turned aside after Satan." 5:11-13
  194. Titus

  195. The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12
  196. James

  197. James calls his readers a bunch of "adulterers and adulteresses." 4:4
  198. 2 Peter

  199. Those who lose their faith are like dogs that eat their own vomit. 2:22
  200. Jude

  201. These filthy dreamers defile the flesh. 8
  202. "These are murmurers, complainers, walking after their own lusts." 16
  203. Revelation

  204. False Jews are members of "the synagogue of Satan." 2:9
  205. Jezebel (whom God had thrown off a wall, trampled by horses, and eaten by dogs (2 Kg 9:33-37) is further reviled by John, saying "that woman Jezebel" taught and seduced God's "servants to commit fornication." 2:20
  206. Jesus will "cast her [Jezebel] into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her." 2:22
  207. God will make "the synagogue of Satan" [the Jews] "come and worship before thy feet." (Whose feet? Well, the feet of Christians, of course!) 3:9
  208. Drinking the wine of fornication. 14:8
  209. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5
  210. "And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs." 17:6
  211. "All nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her." 18:3
  212. God will send plagues, death, and famine on Babylon, and the kings "who have committed fornication with her" will be sad to see her burn. 18:8-9
  213. The "great whore" corrupted the earth with her fornication. 19:2
  214. "Come ... unto the supper of the great God." An angel calls all the fowls to feast upon the flesh of dead horses and human bodies, "both free and bond, both small and great." 19:17-18
  215. I'm not sure who the "dogs" are in this verse. (Some say they are homosexuals.) But whoever they are, John  condemns them all to hell. 22:15

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