The Gentiles will be made deaf, shall lick dust and be forced to crawl like
worms from fear of God and his people. 7:16-17Nahum
Whirlwinds, tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of his anger. He dries up oceans and rivers,
melts mountains, and throws stones. 1:3-6
He doesn't just get even. He drowns his enemies. 1:8
God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face ... show the
nations thy nakedness ... and will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4
God punished Nineveh by enslaving the people and smashing the little children in the streets. 3:10
"Behold, thy people in the midst of thee are women." I guess this ("You're all
just a bunch of women.") was the biggest insult God could think of at the moment. 3:13
God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to
punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do evil." 1:12
He will "bring distress upon men" so that they "walk like blind men." He will pour out their
blood like dust and "their flesh as dung." 1:17
"He shall pass through the sea with affliction, and shall smite the waves in the sea, and all the deeps of the river shall dry up." 10:11
"I will no more pity ... saith the LORD: but, lo, I will deliver the men every one into his neighbour's hand ... And I will feed the flock of slaughter." 11:6-7
God will force everyone to eat "the flesh of another." 11:9
He will open his eyes and smite "every rider with madness ... and every horse ... with blindness." 12:4
A prophet must be killed by his own parents by "thrusting him
through when he prophesieth." 13:3
God will "go forth and fight" with "his feet" on the mount of Olives. 14:3
On the day of the Lord, the mount of Olives will be split in two and half the mountain will be removed. 14:4
God will smite the people with plagues that will cause their flesh, eyes, and tongues to rot away.
14:12
He will make everyone fight and kill his or her neighbor. 14:13
God also hates the Edomites, and his hatred will last forever. 1:4
He continues to demand animal sacrifices. And not just any animals will do. He is insulted
when blind, lame, or sick animals are killed for him. 1:8, 13-14
The Old Testament ends fittingly with these words: "lest I come and smite the earth with a curse."
4:6Matthew
Jesus strongly approved of the law and the prophets. He had no objection to the cruelties of the Old Testament and
said that its laws will be binding forever.
5:17
To avoid sin, Jesus told his followers to cut off their hands and pluck
out their eyes. This advice was given immediately after he said that anyone who
looks with lust at a women commits adultery. 5:29, 18:8
Jesus told his disciples not to pray in public. 6:5-6
He said that most people are going to hell. 7:13-14
He sent some devils into a herd of pigs, causing them to run off
a cliff and drown in the waters below. 8:32
Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has
actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall
rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
Jesus came to destroy families by making family members hate each other. He
came "not
to send peace, but a sword." 10:34-37
He condemned entire cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal torment of hell because they didn't care for
his preaching. 11:20-24
He spoke in parables so that no one would understand him, "lest ... they ...
should understand ... and should be converted, and I should heal them." 13:10-15
"For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him
shall be taken away even that he hath." Isn't this from the Republican Party platform?
13:12, 25:29
Jesus was rejected by those who knew him best -- the people of his home town of Nazareth.
13:55-57
Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time. 14:2, 16:13-14
Jesus told his followers that he would return and establish his kingdom within their lifetime.
16:28, 23:36, 24:34
Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give your a big reward. 19:29
Matthew's Jesus rode into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass
and a colt (must have taken some practice!). 21:2-7
"His blood be on us, and on our children." This verse blames the Jews for the death of Jesus and has been used
to justify their persecution for twenty centuries. 27:25
He heals "all that were diseased" by casting out devils. The devils knew Jesus, but Jesus told them to shut up about it.
1:32-34
Although the disciples weren't sure about Jesus even after his alleged resurrection, the "unclean spirits" knew that he was "the son of God."
But Jesus told them not to tell anyone. 3:11-12
The scribes think that Jesus casts out devils by the power of the prince of devils, Beelzebub. 3:22
Jesus is angry at those who said that he had an unclean spirit, so he announces the unforgivable sin: blasphemy against the Holy Ghost.
3:29
He shows disrespect for his mother and family by asking, "Who is my mother, or my brethren?" when he is told that his family wants to
speak with him. 3:31-34
He explains why he speaks in parables: to confuse people so they will go to hell. 4:10-12
He says that those who have been less fortunate in this life will
have it even worse in the life to come. 4:25
He sends the devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff and be drowned in the sea. 5:11-17
He is rejected by those who knew him the best, the people from his home town of Nazareth. 6:2-5
Any city that doesn't "receive" the followers of Jesus will be destroyed in a manner even more savage than
that of Sodom and Gomorrah. 6:11
Jesus criticizes the Jews for not killing their disobedient children according to Old Testament law.
7:9-10
He refused to cast out a devil from a Greek woman's daughter, calling the woman a "dog". After much pleading,
he finally agrees to cast out her daughter's devil. 7:25-30
He put his fingers in a deaf man's ears, then spit and touched his tongue. This treatment immediately cured him.
7:32-35
He cured a blind man by spitting in his eyes. 8:22-23
There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And many thought he was a
risen John the Baptist. 8:27-28
Jesus falsely prophesied that the end of the world would come within his listeners' lifetimes. 9:1,
13:30
He said that John the Baptist was Elijah, but John the Baptist explicitly denied it in John 1:21. 9:13
He tells us to cut off our hands and feet, and pluck out our eyes to avoid going to hell. 9:43-49
He will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29-30
He kills a fig tree for not bearing figs, even though it was out of season. 11:13-14
True followers of Christ routinely perform the following tricks: cast out devils, speak in tongues,
handle poisonous snakes, drink poisons without harm, and cure the sick by touching them. 16:17-18Luke
John the Baptist says that Christ will burn the damned "with fire unquenchable." 3:17
The genealogy of Jesus given here is entirely different than that in Mt.1:6-16.
3:23-31
Peter and his partners (James and John) abandon their wives and children to follow Jesus. 5:11
People who are rich, well-fed, happy, or respected are going to hell. 6:24-26
John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. 7:19
Jesus speaks in parables so "that seeing they
might not see, and hearing they might not understand." 8:10
He falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see
him return and establish the kingdom of God. 9:27
Entire cities will be violently destroyed and the inhabitants "thrust down to hell" for
not "receiving" his disciples. 10:10-15
The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them. To this Jesus replies, "I give
unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt
you." 10:17-19
Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him. 10:21
He insults his mother (the Most Holy Blessed Virgin Mary). 11:27-28
He calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt.5:22),
worthy of "hell fire." 11:40
He blames all the deaths of the prophets (from Abel to Zacharias) on his generation. 11:47-52
He says that we should fear God since he has the power to kill us
and then torture us forever in hell. 12:5
The unforgivable sin: blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. 12:10
God is like a slave-owner who tortures and chops his slaves in pieces. 12.46-47
Jesus says that his disciples must hate their families (mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters,
husbands, wives, children) and themselves. 14:26
If you want to be a disciple of Jesus, you must abandon everything, including your family.
14:33
"That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty, courage, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of
God." 16:15
Abandon your wife and family for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 18:29-30
God is like an unjust king who takes what is not rightly his, reaps what he didn't sow, and has those who don't
want to be ruled by him slaughtered in front of him. 19:12-27
Jesus says that everyone will hate Christians, and some Christians
will be killed, yet no Christian will be harmed in any way. 21:16-18
He says that all that he describes (his return, signs in the sun,
moon, and stars, etc.) will occur within the lifetime of his listeners. 21:32John
Jesus told Nathaniel that he would see heaven open and angels descend upon Jesus.
Nathaniel never saw it; neither has anyone else. 1:51
He believed the stupid and vicious story from Numbers 21.
(God sent snakes to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water. Then God told
Moses to make a brass snake to cure them from the bites.) 3:14
Those who, for whatever reason, do not believe in Jesus are tormented forever in hell. 3:18, 8:24,
15:6
Jesus magically perceived that a Samaritan woman had been married and divorced five times previously. (He could spot a divorced woman a mile away.)
4:7-18
He believed people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He told a crippled man, after healing him, to
"sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14
The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, (his family, friends, and
neighbors) didn't believe in him. 6:42, 7:5
Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have eternal life. 6:53
A man was born blind so that Jesus could show off his powers by curing him of his blindness. 9:1-3
Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt, and rubs the muddy spit on (or in?) a blind man's eyes. 9:6
Everyone that ever lived before Jesus was a thief and a robber. 10:8
Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and possessed by a devil. 10:10
Lazarus suffered and died (or pretend to die) so that Jesus could be "be glorified" by raising him from the dead.
11:4
Mary wastes expensive ointment on Jesus' feet, rather than selling the ointment and giving the money to the poor. But Jesus thinks his feet are more important,
saying that poor people will always be around, but he and his precious feet won't be. 12:3-8
Jesus was wrong about seeds. If a seed dies, it dies. It only produces a new plant if it stays alive (in a dormant stage) until it germinates. Dead
seeds bring forth no fruit. 12:24
You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go to hell after you die.) 12:25
God hardened the hearts of the Jews to prevent them from believing in Jesus. 12:40
Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater miracles than he did! 14:12
If you don't like Jesus, then you don't like God. (You're a damned God hater.) 15:23
Christians always get whatever they ask for in prayer. 15:7, 16;
16:23
The Jews are blamed for the death of Jesus. 19:7-15
After his resurrection, Jesus could walk through walls. 20:19, 26
Jesus implies that he will return to earth during the lifetime of John. 21:22Acts
While Jesus went up to heaven, two angels (men in white) stop by to tell
the disciples that Jesus will return in the same way he just left them (by
beaming up/down via transporter). 1:10-11
Whoopie! It's Pentecost: A
mighty wind comes, cloven tongues of fire sit on top of heads, everyone acts
drunk and talks in languages they don't understand. 2:2-13
Peter says that
their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since
they were living in "the last days." 2:17
Imagine no possessions: The early Christians were the
first communists. 2.44-45, 4.32-35
Peter and God scare
Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that
they made when selling their land. 5:1-10
The sick were healed just by
touching the shadow of Peter. 5.15-16
Peter has a dream in which God shows him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls."
The voice (God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13, 11.5-10
Eutychus was
the first casualty of many long boring sermons. 20:9
After listening to
Paul's speech, everyone took off their clothes, threw dust in the air, and
told the soldiers to kill him. 22.22-23
The first
hunger strike: "The Jews banded together, and bound themselves under a
curse, saying that they would neither eat nor drink till they had killed
Paul." 23.12
