Behold, the man is become as one of us. 3:22
Trivia: What did God say would have happened to Adam if he ate from the tree of life?
Behold, the man is become as one of us. 3:22
Trivia: What did God say would have happened to Adam if he ate from the tree of life?
"Let there be light." 1:3-5
God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day. And how could there be "the evening and the morning" on the first day if there was no sun to mark them?
"Let there be a firmament." 1:6-8
God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters.
"Let them be for signs." 1:14
In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used "for signs". This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth.
"He made the stars also." 1:16
God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars.
"And God set them [the stars] in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth." 1:17
Then why is only a tiny fraction of stars visible from earth? Under the best conditions, no more than a few thousand stars are visible with the unaided eye, yet there are hundreds of billions of stars in our galaxy and a hundred billion or so galaxies. Were they all created "to give light upon the earth"?
"He rested." 2:2
Even God gets tired sometimes.
"God formed man of the dust of the ground." 2:7
"The tree of life ... and the tree of knowledge of good and evil." 2:9
God created two magic trees: the tree of life and the tree of knowledge. Eat from the first, and you live forever (3:22); eat from the second and you'll die the same day (2:17). (Or that's what God said, anyway. Adam ate from the tree of knowledge and lived for another 930 years or so (5:5). But he never got a chance to eat from the tree of life. God prevented him from eating from the tree of life before Adam could eat from the tree, become a god, and live forever.)
"I will make him an help meet for him." 2:18-20
God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.)
"Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them." 2:19
The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while.
"And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman." 2:22
"Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman..." 3:1
God's clever, talking serpent.Â
"And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden." 3:8-11
God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a little hide and seek with Adam and Eve.
"And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed." 3:14
God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they?
"Cursed is the ground for thy sake ... Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth." 3:17-18
God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow.
"The LORD God make coats of skins." 3:21
God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and Eve.
"Behold, the man is become as one of us." 3:22-24
God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life. God knows that if they do that, they well become "like one of us" and live forever.
"Every one that findeth me shall slay me." 4:14
Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall slay me." This is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents!
"And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16
Where would that be? Isn't God present everywhere?
"And Cain knew his wife." 4:17
That's nice, but where the hell did she come from?
"If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold." 4:23-24
Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be punished sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair.
"And to Seth ... was born a son." 4:26
Where'd he find his wife?
"Male and female created he them; and ... called their name Adam." 5:2
God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam." So the woman's name was Adam, too!
"And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died." 5:5
Adam finally dies -- 930 years after eating from the tree of knowledge, contrary to God's false prophecy that Adam would die the day that he ate the forbidden fruit.
Seth lived 912 years. 5:8
Enos lived 905 years. 5:11
Cainan lived 910 years. 5:14
Mahalaleel lived 895 years. 5:17
Jared lived 962 years. 5:20
Enoch lived 365 years before he was taken (alive?) by God. 5:23Â
"And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him." 5:24
Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven.
When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at the time of Lamech's birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25
Methuselah lived 969 years. (World record holder.) 5:27
Lamech lived 777 years. 5:31
When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons. [Three sons in one year? Was that with one (nameless) wife or several?] 5:32
"The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men." 6:2-4
The "sons of God" had sex with the "daughters of men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown."
God shortened the human lifespan to 120 years because humans are "flesh" and he was tired of fighting with them.
"There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4
"God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil." 6:5
God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil. Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human imagination is evil. Go figure.
"And it repented the LORD that he had made man." 6:6-7
God repents.
The earth is filled with violence ... Behold, I will destroy them with the earth." 6:11-13
God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed every living thing to make the world less violent.
"A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it." 6:14-16
God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in the 450-foot ark for ventilation.
"And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten ... for thee, and for them." 6:21
Noah would have had no idea what to feed the millions of animal species on the ark. Many, perhaps most, species have yet to be discovered and identified by modern Biologists. And the biology of many known species is still unknown today.
"Noah was a just man and perfect." 7:1
Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but he didn't seem so perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21).
"Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens." 7:2
How did Noah know which animals were "clean" and "unclean" to God? (It wasn't defined until Leviticus was written.)
"Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8
Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." It must have been a challenge for Noah to collect the 300,000 species of beetles.
"In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month ... the windows of heaven were opened." 7:11
When Noah was 600 years old, God opened the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains.
"In the selfsame day ... they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life." 7:13-15
Since there were at least a million species, about 25 species would have entered each second, assuming Noah worked a 12-hour day.
"And God remembered Noah." 8:1
Yeah. He probably said something like, "Isn't Noah the guy who built the ark?"
"The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." 8:2
This happens whenever it stops raining.
"Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground." 8:8-11
Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period.
"And the Lord smelled a sweet savor." 8:20-21
Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor."
After this God "said in his heart" that he'd never do it again because "man's heart is evil from his youth." So God killed all living things (6:5) because humans are evil, and then promises not to do it again (8:21) because humans are evil. The mind of God is a frightening thing.
"And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast." 9:2
According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them.
"Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." 9:2
God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction.
"I do set my bow in the cloud." 9:13
God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown them all again. He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he sees it, it will remind him of his promise so that he won't be tempted to do it again. (Every time God sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh, yeah.... That's right. I promised not to drown the animals again. I guess I'll have to find something else to do.").
But rainbows are caused by the nature of light, the refractive index of water, and the shape of raindrops. There were rainbows billions of years before humans existed.
" And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." 9:20-25
The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." This is a typical case of biblical justice, and is one of many Bible passages that have been used to justify slavery.
"All the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years." 9:29
The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring genealogies 10:1-32
See Genesis 11:10-32, 1 Chronicles 1-9, Matthew 1:1-17, Luke.3:23-28 for other examples that we are told to avoid in 1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.")
"Now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do." 11:4-6
God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent.
"Let us go down, and there confound their language." 11:7
God says, "Let us go down ..." Maybe he hasn't been talking to himself; maybe there is more than one of them up there. Well, however many there may be, they all decide to come down to confuse the builders by confounding human language and scattering them [humans] abroad.
"These are the generations of Shem." 11:10-32
Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") Also note the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs.
Shem lived 600 years. 11:12-13
Salah lived 433 years. 11:14-15
Eber lived 464 years. 11:16-17
Peleg lived 239 years. 11:18-19
Reu lived 239 years. 11:20-21
Serug lived 229 years. 11:22-23
Nahor lived 148 years. 11:24-25
And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years. 11:32
"I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee." 12:3
God will bless you if you bless Abraham and curse you if you curse Abraham. Fuck Abraham.
"Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister" 12:13
This is one of Abraham's favorite lies. See Genesis 20:2 where he uses it again. (His son Isaac uses his dad's favorite lie as well in Genesis 26:7)
"And they ... smote all the country of the Amalekites." 14:7
The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they descended) was born. Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Genesis 36:12).
"They shall afflict them four hundred years." 15:13
The Jews were God's chosen people. So why did God have them enslaved for 400 years?
"Behold ... a burning lamp that passed between those pieces." 15:17
When it was dark, there appeared from out of nowhere a burning lamp between the pieces of dead animals.
"And Abram fell on his face." 17:3
This is the first Bible character to fall on his face. But there will be many more. See And they fell on their faces.
"Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed." 17:17
Abraham falls on his face again and laughs at God for telling him that he and Sarah will have a child, when they are 100 and 90 years old, respectively.
"Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin." 17:23-27
Abraham was 99 years old when he circumcised himself, along with his 13 year old son, Ishmael, and his 318 slaves -- all in one very busy (and painful) day.
The LORD appeared unto him ... and, lo, three men stood by him." 18:1-4
Abraham feeds God and three angels.
"He took butter, and milk, and the calf ... and they did eat." 18:8
Not a very kosher meal for God and Abraham to eat! (See Exodus 23:19)
"Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?" 18:11-14
Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time.
"And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do?" 18:17
God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham.
"I will not destroy it for ten's sake." 18:32
I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19. Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children.
"And the Lord went his way." 18:33
Now where might that be?
"And there came two angels to Sodom." 19:1-5
The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites.
"The men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young." 19:4
Every male in the city of Sodom wanted to have sex with Lot's two angel viisitors.
"I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." 19:8
Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8.
"Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters" 19:14
Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob.
"But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt." 19:26
Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt.
"Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." 19:30-38
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story.
"Abraham said of Sarah his wife, She is my sister." 20:2
Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.)
