He that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. 21:15
He that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. 21:15
"When she could not longer hide him [Moses], she took for him an ark of bulrushes, and daubed it with slime and with pitch, and put the child therein; and she laid it in the flags by the river's brink." 2:3
The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the birth of Sargon, an Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE. (BBC: The tale of the basket)
"God heard their groaning, and God remembered." 2:23-24
The king of Egypt died, and the Israelites cried out to God. "God heard their groaning" and remembered the deal he'd made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
"God called unto him out of the midst of the bush." 3:4 - 4:17
God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses.
"Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent." 4:2-9
God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First, throw your rod on the ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!)
"The LORD met him [Moses], and sought to kill him." 4:24-26
God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins.
Moses and Aaron ... did the signs in the sight of the people. And the people believed." 4:29-31
Moses and Aaron gathered the people and showed them all of God's magic tricks. And the people believed.
"Let us go, we pray thee, three days' journey into the desert, and sacrifice unto the LORD our God; lest he fall upon us with pestilence, or with the sword." 5:3
Moses and Aaron ask the Pharaoh to let all the Israelites go into the desert to pray for three days, or else God will kill them all "with pestilence, or with the sword."
"I appeared unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, but by the name of God Almighty, but by my name JEHOVAH was I not known to them." 6:3
God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet in Genesis 22:14 Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after God's name, Jehovah.
"How then shall Pharaoh hear me, who am of uncircumcised lips?" 6:12
In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses says, he has "uncircumcised lips."Â
"These be the heads of their fathers' houses" 6:16, 18, 20
Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long list of biblical characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years, respectively).
"Behold, I am of uncircumcised lips." 6:30
Moses asked God how he will be able to convince the Pharaoh to let his people go since he has "uncircumcised lips."
"The LORD said unto Moses, See, I have made thee a god to Pharaoh: and Aaron thy brother shall be thy prophet." 7:1
God made Moses a god to Pharaoh, with Aaron as his prophet.
"Take thy rod, and cast it before Pharaoh, and it shall become a serpent." 7:9-13
God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle just throw your rod down and it will become a serpent. So when the time comes, Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian magicians duplicate this trick. Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs. (Whew!)
"In this thou shalt know that I am the LORD: behold, I will smite with the rod that is in mine hand upon the waters which are in the river, and they shall be turned to blood." 7:17-24
After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the famous 10 plagues of Egypt. Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and they do so with their enchantments. Shucks! Just how the river could be turned to blood by the Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is not explained.
"Behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs:" 8:2-7
The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were all over the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian magicians did this trick too. (Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the last performance before doing it again?) After the frog making contest was declared a draw, all the frogs died and "they gathered them together upon heaps; and the land stank." I bet. But at least it was all for the greater glory of God.
"And the LORD said unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch out thy rod, and smite the dust of the land, that it may become lice throughout all the land of Egypt." 8:17-19
Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were convinced that Moses and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and they gave up trying to match the remaining seven plagues. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs.
"I will send swarms of flies upon thee, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people, and into thy houses: and the houses of the Egyptians shall be full of swarms of flies." 8:21
The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and lice theme.
"The LORD ... removed the swarms of flies from Pharaoh, from his servants, and from his people; there remained not one." 8:31
The Pharaoh let Moses make sacrifices to God, so God removed every last fly from Egypt.
"All the cattle of Egypt died: but of the cattle of the children of Israel died not one." 9:6
The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. But a little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God kills them again a couple more times.
"And it shall ... be a boil breaking forth with blains upon man, and upon beast, throughout all the land of Egypt." 9:9-12
The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast.
"I will at ... send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like me in all the earth." 9:14
Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better.
"For this cause have I raised thee up, for to shew in thee my power." 9:16
God made the Pharaoh king so that God could show off his power.
"And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25
The seventh plague is hail.
"So there was hail, and fire mingled with the hail, very grievous." 9:24
God killed Egyptians and their livestock by smashing them with huge hailstones mixed with fire.
"And that thou mayest tell in the ears of thy son, and of thy son's son, what things I have wrought in Egypt." 10:2
God wants to be remembered forever for the mass murder of little children.
"Locust ... shall cover the face of the earth, that one cannot be able to see the earth." 10:4-5
Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the face of the whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?)
"Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days." 10:21-23
Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the darkness knew how to avoid the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had light in their dwellings."
"They shall take of the blood, and strike it on the two side posts and on the upper door post of the houses." 12:7, 13
God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian children, he'll remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house."
"When your children shall say unto you, What mean ye by this service? That ye shall say, It is the sacrifice of the LORD's passover, who passed over the houses of the children of Israel in Egypt, when he smote the Egyptians, and delivered our houses." 12:26-26
When your children ask you, "Why do we celebrate the passover," tell them, "Because God passed over our houses when he was killing Egyptians and didn't kill any of us."
"And it shall be for a sign unto thee upon thine hand, and for a memorial between thine eyes" 13:9, 16
Wear the commandments on your hand and between your eyes.
"And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them the way; and by night in a pillar of fire." 13:21
God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night.
"And the pillar of the cloud went from before their face, and stood behind them." 14:19
"It was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these." 14:20
God's special cloud was a cloud of darkness to the Egyptians, but a cloud of light to the Hebrews."All Pharaoh's horses" 14:23
The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses." But according to 9:3-6 there wouldn't have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain."
"The Lord ... took off their chariot wheels." 14:25
God (the devious mechanic) personally removed the wheels from the Egyptian chariots.
"And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the sea, that the waters may come again upon the Egyptians." 14:26
God drowned the Egyptian army by having Moses hold out his hand over the sea.
"With the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together." 15:8
God divided the sea with a blast of his nostrils.
"The LORD shewed him a tree, which when he had cast into the waters, the waters were made sweet." 15:25
Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste sweet.
"Behold, the glory of the LORD appeared in the cloud." 16:10-12
God appears to the Israelites and speaks from a cloud promising to send lots of food (quails and mana) from the sky.
"And the children of Israel did eat manna forty years, until they came to a land inhabited." 16:35
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks.
"I will stand before thee there upon the rock in Horeb; and thou shalt smite the rock, and there shall come water out of it, that the people may drink." 17:6
God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water comes out of it for the people to drink. God's such a clever guy!
"When Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed." 17:11-12
As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls, they start getting beat. So when Moses's arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get slaughtered.
"The Lord has sworn that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." 17:14-16
God swears that he is still fighting Amalek. I hope Moses can still keep his hand up.
"Moses went up unto God, and the LORD called unto him out of the mountain." 19:3
So God is a talking mountain?
"Lo, I come unto thee in a thick cloud." 19:9
God's got it all planned out. He will cover himself with a cloud, so that the people can hear him speak, so they'll believe whatever the hell Moses tells them forever.
"The third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai." 19:11
God tells Moses to get ready for the third day, when he'll come down the mountain and stand in front of all the people. (Never happened.)
"Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives." 19:15
Moses, like a coach giving instructions to the team before the big game, tells the men to "come not at your wives" before he goes up to Mt. Sinai.
"There were thunders and lightnings, and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of the trumpet exceeding loud." 19:16-18
A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai.
"The LORD said unto Moses, Go down, charge the people, lest they break through unto the LORD to gaze, and many of them perish." 19:21
Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live.
"Thou shalt have no other gods before me." 20:3
It's ok to have other gods. Just make sure Yahweh is your number one god.
"Thou shalt not make ... any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth." 20:4
This commandment would condemn virtually all forms of artistic expression: no drawing, painting, photography, sculptures, pottery, etc.
"Neither shalt thou go up by steps unto mine altar, that thy nakedness be not discovered thereon." 20:26
God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a problem.)
"If a man lie not in wait, but God deliver him into his hand; then I will appoint thee a place whither he shall flee." 21:13
If man kills someone accidentally (by an act of God, so to speak), God will provide him with a hiding place.
"If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned." 21:28
If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned."
"The ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death." 21:29
If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.".
"Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's milk." 23:19
Jewish dietary laws forbid the mixing of milk and meat in the same meal. This is one of the verses that form the basis of that law. (See also Ex 34:26 and Dt 14:21.)
"Ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee." 23:25-26
Serve God and you'll never get sick, be hungry, thirsty, or barren.
"I will send hornets before thee." 23:28
God has hornets that bite and kill people.
"They saw the God of Israel: and there was under his feet as it were a paved work of a sapphire stone." 24:9-11
Moses, Aaron, and seventy of their companions saw God. (They even got a peek at his feet!)
"And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying......" 25:1-40
God wastes four chapters on divine instructions for making tables, candlesticks, snuffers, etc."Thou shalt make the tabernacle with ten curtains." 26:1-37
God's instructions for making curtains
"Thou shalt make an altar of shittim wood." 27:1-21
How to make an altar and tabernacle court.
"Thou shalt make holy garments for Aaron thy brother for glory and for beauty." 28:2-40
God decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets shall be made "for glory and beauty."
God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:30
"A golden bell and a pomegranate ... and his sound shall be heard when he goeth in unto the holy place ... that he die not." 28:34-35
Aaron must wear a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or God will kill him.
"And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach." 28:42
God gives instructions for making priestly breeches.
"They shall be upon Aaron, and upon his sons, when they come in unto the tabernacle ... or ... die." 28:43
Priest must wear holy breeches or die!
"But the flesh of the bullock, and his skin, and his dung, shalt thou burn with fire without the camp: it is a sin offering." 29:14
God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside the camp as a sin offering.
"Kill the ram, and take of his blood, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of Aaron, and upon the tip of the right ear of his sons, and upon the thumb of their right hand, and upon the great toe of their right foot, and sprinkle the blood upon the altar round about." 29:20
God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right big toe, and then sprinkle the blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and on their garments. This will make them "hallowed."
"Take of the ram the fat and the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, and the right shoulder ... and shalt wave them for a wave offering before the LORD." 29:22-24
God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul, kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread or two, and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and his sons and they wave them before the Lord. This is a wave offering.
"They shall wash with water, that they die not ... it shall be a statute for ever." 30:20
Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper.
"Moreover the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Take thou also unto thee principal spices, of pure myrrh five hundred shekels, and of sweet cinnamon half so much, even two hundred and fifty shekels ... This shall be an holy anointing oil unto me throughout your generations. Upon man's flesh shall it not be poured." 30:22-32
A recipe for God's perfume and holy oil. But it's for God's body only. Don't use it on yourself!
"Whosoever putteth any of it upon a stranger, shall even be cut off from his people." 30:33
Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people."
"Whosoever shall make like unto that, to smell thereto, shall even be cut off from his people." 30:37-38
And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled.
"And he gave unto Moses ... two tables of testimony, tables of stone, written with the finger of God." 31:18
The two stone tablets were written on with God's finger.
"Aaron said unto them, Break off the golden earrings ... and bring them unto me ... And he ... made it a molten calf." Ex.32:1-35
Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader.
"Let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them: and I will make of thee a great nation." 32:10
When God sees the people dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf, he gets so angry that he wants to kill everyone - except for Moses, of course, from whom he will make a great nation. So he plans to kill all the Israelites and replace them with Moses's offspring.
"Wherefore should the Egyptians speak, and say, For mischief did he bring them out, to slay them in the mountains." 32:11-13
Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites by asking God, "What would the neighbors say?"
"And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people." 32:14
But how could a good God even consider doing evil to anyone?
"I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf." 32:24
Aaron just threw the gold earrings into the fire and (Presto!) out came a golden calf!
"Moses saw that the people were naked; (for Aaron had made them naked.)" 32:25
Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf.
" I will not go up in the midst of thee; for thou art a stiffnecked people: lest I consume thee in the way." 33:3
After God killed some more Israelites in a plague (Exodus 32:35), he promised to lead them to a land flowing with milk and honey. He said he'd send an angel to drive out (kill?) all the current inhabitants of the land. But God said he wouldn't be going along, saying that if he did, he'd end up killing all of the Israelites for being so goddamned "stiffnecked."
"Put off thy ornaments from thee." 33:4-6
When the people heard God's promise/threat, they mourned and took off their ornaments. Which was a good thing, too, since God said he'd kill them all on the spot if he saw any ornaments on them. (God hates ornaments.)
"As Moses entered into the tabernacle, the cloudy pillar descended, and stood at the door of the tabernacle, and the Lord talked with Moses." 33:9
"And the LORD spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend." 33:11
"I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen." 33:23
Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does permit a peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning)
"The LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." 34:14
God, "whose name is Jealous", will not tolerate the worship of any other god.
"Thou shalt not seeth a kid in its mother's milk." 34:26
"He [Moss] was there with the LORD forty days and forty nights; he did neither eat bread, nor drink water." 34:28
Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40 nights.
"When Moses came down from mount Sinai ...the skin of his face shone ... he put a vail on his face." 34:30-35
After meeting God on mount Sinai, Moses had to cover his face with a veil to avoid frightening the Israelites.
Stuff God wants 35:4-19
Gold and silver; blue, purple, and scarlet fine linen; goats' hair and rams' skin, died red, etc.
"All the gold ... was twenty and nine talents, and seven hundred and thirty shekels." 38:24-25, 29
A group of Hebrew slaves carried 1000 kg of gold, 3500 kg of silver, and 2450 kg of brass with them as they traveled through the wilderness. (And this was after they used all their gold to make a goldent calf.) This amount of gold and silver would be worth more than $40 million US dollars today.
"Every one that went to be numbered, from twenty years old and upward, for six hundred thousand and three thousand and five hundred and fifty men." 38:26
Seventy people (Genesis 46:27, Exodus 1:5) became several million in less than forty years during the Exodus.
"The curious girdle of his ephod" 39:5
Bezaleel made the curious girdle of the ephod from gold, blue, purple, and scarlet fine twined linen, as God commanded Moses.
"A bell and a pomegranate, a bell and a pomegranate, round about the hem of the robe to minister in; as the LORD commanded Moses." 39:26
On the hem of the priest's robe were blue, purple, and scarlet pomegranates, with gold bells between them.
"A cloud covered the tent of the congregation, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle." 40:34
"When the cloud was taken up from over the tabernacle, the children of Israel went onward in all their journeys." 40:36
"For the cloud of the LORD was upon the tabernacle by day, and fire was on it by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel, throughout all their journeys." 40:38
