God fashions a woman out of one of Adam's ribs. This was necessary since Adam
couldn't find a "help meet" in any of the animals that God made for him.
Adam blames Eve and Eve blames the serpent. 3:12-13
"In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children. ... Thy husband ... shall rule over thee."
God punishes Eve, and all women after her, with the pains of childbirth and subjection to
Adam is also punished, although less severely. He now will have to work for a living because he
"hearkened unto the voice" of his wife. 3:17
Lamech is the first of a long line of biblical men with more than one wife. It seems
that God approves of such marriages. 4:19, 23
Finally, sometime in the next 800 years, Adam begat some daughters. These nameless
ones are the first (and nearly the last) girls to be born in the Bible. 5:4
"The male and his female ..." Notice that in the Bible female animals are the property of
male animals, as women are the property of men. 7:2
Abram makes his wife lie for him, by telling the Egyptians that she is his sister. But at
least it was half-true, since she was his half-sister. Such incestuous marriages are condemned
elsewhere in the Bible, but god makes an exception for Abram and Sarai. (See
Genesis 17:15-16 where God blesses their marriage.)
Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for children. (In
the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She sends Abram into her
handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by her." Abram gladly complies.
Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God
when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her
"Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and
impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14
Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters"
instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your
eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in
2 Pet.2:7-8. 19:8
Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt.
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just
and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and
bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story.
Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason.
And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years
old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.)
God gets angry with king Abimelech, though the king hasn't even touched Sarah. He
says to the king, "Behold, thou art but a dead man," and threatens to kill him and all of his
people. To compensate for the crime he never committed, Abimelech gives Abraham sheep,
oxen, slaves, silver, and land. Finally, after Abraham "prayed unto God," God lifts his
punishment to Abimelech, "for the Lord had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of
Abimelech, because of Sarah." 20:3-18
God "closed all the wombs" because Abimelech believed Abe's lie. 20:18
"And the damsel was fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her." (Oh
Rebekah's brother and father agreed to give her to the slave's master's son since it was obviously a marriage made in heaven.
Rebekah's male owners (father and brothers) "blessed" her by wishing her to have "thousands of millions" of babies and have
"seed" that will take away the lands of those that hate them. 24:60
"And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her."
Rebekah became Isaac's wife when he "took" her and had sex with her. No marriage ceremony was performed, no vows were exchanged. 24:67
"Abraham gave all that he had unto Isaac."
Abraham gave everything he had to Isaac, ignoring his other sons (Ishmael, Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian,Ishbak, and Shuah),
as well as all of his nameless and unmentioned daughters, along with God knows how many other children he had with his other concubines.
Esau, who already had two wives (26:34),
"takes" another. 28:9
Jacob offers to work for seven years to pay for Rachel. As it turns out, he is tricked
into having sex with her sister, Leah, instead, so he has to work for another seven years so in order
to pay for them both. 29:18-30
Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so
that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her
[Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was
going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too.
As part of the deal with Jacob, Zilpah and Bilhah (Laban's slaves) are handed
over to Leah and Rachel. 29:24, 29
Since Jacob hated Leah, God decided to "open her womb" and make Rachel barren. (Like he did to Sarah and Rebekah.)
Leah conceives and bears four sons. And it's a good thing, too, since her husband
hated her until then for not giving him any sons. 29:32-34
"Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she
cannot produce children for her husband. But luckily she has an idea. She says to
Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way
as did Sarah (16:2). "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah
conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements rarely produce daughters.)
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare
Jacob a son." 30:9
Leah thinks her husband will honor her now that she has given him six sons. 30:20
And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she conceived
and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22
"Then Jacob ... set his ... wives upon camels." Jacob had four wives (or two wives and
two concubines -- this distinction is not clear in the Bible): Rachel, Leah, Billah, and Zilpah.
There is no indication that God disapproves of this arrangement. 31:17
Laban, Rachel's father, is hunting for the "images" that Rachel had stolen from him.
Rachel sits on the "images" and says to her father, "Let it not displease my lord that I cannot
rise up before thee: for the custom of women is upon me." She knows that no man will come
near her when she is menstruating. 31:34-35
Jacob has two wives and two concubines, continuing the biblical tradition of polygamy.
What did Dinah want? Did she love Shechem?
Did she want to marry him? Or did she want him killed? We'll ever know since it was of no
interest to the biblical author. 34:1-31
Dinah's brothers, to justify the massacre of a town for the rape of their sister, say:
"Should he deal with our sister as with a harlot?" To the author of Genesis, rape is a
crime against the honor of men rather than against a woman. 34:31
Rachel dies in childbirth; but at least she had another son. And in the Bible, a
woman is expected to die happily as long as she has a son. 35:17-18
"Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine."
Esau (Isaac's son) had several wives (continuing the tradition of polygamy, with no
editorial comment from the Bible). 36:2, 6
"And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite ... and he took her, and went
in unto her. And she conceived, and bare a son; and she called his name Er. And she
conceived again [I guess Judah must have went in unto her again] and bare a son; and she
called hi name Onan." (It seems that the probability of having a biblical daughter is
considerably less than 50%.) 38:2-4
After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is
with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be
To commemorate the divine massacre of the Egyptian children, Moses instructs the Israelites to "sacrifice to the
Lord all that openeth the matrix" -- all the males, that is. God has no use for dead, burnt female bodies.
13:2, 12, 15
Moses, like a coach giving instructions to the team before the big game, tells the men to "come not at your wives" before
he goes up to Mt. Sinai. 19:15
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, ... nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's." In the Bible, women are the
property of men; they are his possessions -- like an ox or an ass. 20:17
How to sell your daughter -- and what to do if she fails to please her new master.
God's instructions for taking a second wife. 21:10
If you "entice" an "unmarried maid" to "lie" with you, then you must marry her, unless the father refuses to give her to you,
in which case you must pay him the going price for virgins. 22:16
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Thousands of innocent women have suffered excruciating deaths because of this
Three times a year God wants to see all of the males. The females he never wants to see. 23:17
"Their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods." God always blames the
women; it is they who "go a whoring" and then "make" the men "go a whoring." 34:16
"Thrice in the year shall all your men children appear before the Lord." But what about the "women children"? Don't they
ever get to appear before the Lord? 34:23
Only unblemished males are to be killed and offered to God. Females don't even make
good burnt offerings. 1:3, 10
When a king sins only the best sacrifice will do -- he must offer a male goat to God.
But if a commoner sins, a female will do. 4:22-28
"If any one of the common people sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring his offering, a kid of the goats,
a female without blemish, for his sin which he hath sinned."
If a common person sins through ignorance, then kill a female goat. (More important people must kill male goats.) 4:27-28
"He shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD ... a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats."
If you touch an insect, dead animal, or "the uncleanness of man" or if you swear to do something good or bad (5:2-4), kill a female lamb or goat for God. (A female
will do since it's a minor offense.) 5:6
"She shall be unclean."
Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their purification.
(And baby girls make them twice as sinful and dirty as baby boys do.) 12:1-5
"If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days ... And she shall then
continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days."
If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must be purified for 33 days. 12:2, 4
"But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks ... and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying
threescore and six days."
If a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God,
girls are twice as dirty as boys. 12:5
"She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are
killed for him. 12:6
"She shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood." 12:7
"If she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean."
"The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water,
and be unclean until the even." 15:18
God's law for menstruating women
They are unclean and sinful. Anything that they touch is unclean. Anyone who touches anything that they touch is unclean.
Stay completely away from them. (And for God's sake, don't even think about having sex with them!) 15:19-30, 33
"If a woman have an issue, and her issue... be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean
until the even." 15:19
"And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean."
"And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even."
"Whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:22
"And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even."
"If any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth
shall be unclean." 15:24
"If a woman have an issue of her blood ... she shall be unclean." 15:25
"Every bed whereon she lieth ... and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:26
"Whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean." 15:27
"But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean."
Women are unclean while mestruating and for seven days after bleeding has stopped. 15:28
"On the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons ... for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement
for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness." 15:29-30
"This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers,
and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean."
A man who has sex with a menstruating woman "shall be unclean seven days."
"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is
apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman.
If a man has sex with an engaged slave woman, scourge the woman, but
don't punish the man. (Even if he raped her?) 19:20-22
If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11
If a man has sex with his daughter in law, kill them both. 20:12
If a man has sex with his wife and her mother (now that sounds like fun!), burn to death all three. 20:14
If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor animal are to be
If a man has sex with a menstruating woman, they both "shall be cut off from among their
People with "familiar spirits" (witches, fortune tellers, etc.) are to be
stoned to death. 20:27
Priests can't marry "whores", "profane", or divorced women. Why? Because "he is holy
unto his God" and they would defile him. 21:7
A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death.
A priest can only marry a virgin. No harlots, widows, or divorced women will do. (God
really likes virgins.) 21:13-14
If a priest's daughter marries "a stranger" she can't eat any holy things. 22:12
"Ye shall offer ... a male without blemish ... Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye
shall not offer these unto the LORD ... Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or
broken, or cut."
God wants us to kill lots of animals for him. Not just any animals, though. God only wants dead, male animals without any blemishes. Don't
kill any blind , broken, maimed, or scabbed, or female animials for him. 22:19-24
God defines the value of human life in dollars and cents. Of course, to God, females
are worth considerably less than males (50 - 60%) -- but neither are worth much.
When "Moses numbered them according to the word of the Lord" he was told to count "every
male from a month old and upward." Women and girls didn't count as persons. Neither did babies
(or fetuses) under 1 month old. I guess the unborn just don't count to God. 3:15-16
The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then
makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm
done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall
bear her iniquity." 5:11-31
"And the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be defiled:
or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be not defiled."
If a husband is jealous, his wife must submit to the law of jealousies whether she was "defiled" or not. 5:14
"Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ... And the priest shall ... set her before the LORD ...
and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:15-17
"And the priest shall ... say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee ... be thou free from this bitter water
that causeth the curse." 5:19
"Then the priest
shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say
unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people,
when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:20-21
"But if ... some man have lain with thee beside thine husband ... The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people,
when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:22
"And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:24
"And when he hath made her to drink the water ... if she be defiled ... the water that causeth the curse shall ... become bitter, and her belly shall swell,
and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people." 5:27
"And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed." 5:28
"Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:31
Miriam and Aaron (Moses' brother and sister) criticize Moses for marrying an Ethiopian woman and thus breaking
the law of God. But God makes it clear that his rules
don't apply to his favorites, and he strikes Miriam with leprosy. Notice that
only Miriam is punished, though both she and Aaron complained.
When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly."
This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before
24,000 had died. 25:6-9
For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons with the everlasting
If a man dies and has no son, then his inheritance goes to his daughter. But if he has a son, then the daughter gets
nothing. Also no mention is made of wives, sisters, or aunts. 27:8
If men make vows, then God expects them to keep them. But a woman cannot make a vow, unless it is "allowed" by
her husband or father. If it is "allowed," then she must keep it -- but even so, she is not responsible
(her husband or father is). 30:3-16
Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and
children captive. When Moses learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill
every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children,
that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back and did as Moses (and
presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow!
(Even God gets some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54
Don't covet your neighbor's wife or ass -- or any thing that belongs to your neighbor. You see, in the
eyes of God, women are the possessions of men. 5:21
Three times a year all of the males are to appear before God. The females he never wants to see.
In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the males (including old men, boys, and babies) with
"the edge of the sword .... But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself."
If you see a pretty woman among the captives and would like her for a wife, then just bring her home and "go in
unto her." Later, if you decide you don't like her, you can "let her go." 21:11-14
Rules for those who have two wives: "one beloved, and another hated." 21:15
When a man dies, his sons inherit his property. Wives and daughters get nothing at all.
Women are not to wear men's clothing and vice versa -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5
If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. If
her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's
"If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die."
If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough, then "the men of the city shall stone her to
If a woman is raped in the country, then only the man shall die (since there was no one
to hear her if she cried out.) 22:25
If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels of silver and then marry her.
God says not to bring any whore, sodomite, or dog into the house of the Lord. For "these things are an abomination
to the Lord." Sodomites and dogs are biblical names for homosexuals. 23:17-18
If a man marries a woman and later finds "some uncleanness in her," then he can divorce her and kick her out of his
house. If another man marries her and then dies, the first husband cannot marry her again. "For that is an abomination before
the Lord." 24:1-4
If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife -- whether she likes him or
not, and whether she wants to or not. If he refuses, the dead
man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye
shall not pity her." 25:11-12
"Cursed be he that lieth with his
father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." How does
having sex with the father's wife uncover the father's skirt? Well, I guess it's
because the father owns his wife. The offense is against him, not her. 27:20
"The tender and delicate woman"
will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her feet."
Caleb offers to give his daughter to anyone who conquers the city of Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest and
is given his cousin for a prize. 1:12-13
"Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two?" 5:30
Gideon had 70 sons (no one knows how many daughters) "for he had many
After being hit in the head with a millstone thrown by a woman, a soldier orders his armor bearer to kill him
so that no one would say that a woman had killed him. 9:53-54
When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal with God: If God will help him kill the
Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him.
God keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter." But when Jephthah returns, his
nameless daughter comes out to greet him (who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to
God as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and down on the mountains bewailing
her virginity. 11:29-39
Manoah's nameless wife, like so many biblical women, is barren. But an angel fixes that, and Samson is
born. 13:2-3, 6, 9
"Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father ...
Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well." 14:1-3
After ripping up the lion, Samson went to visit the Philistine woman that he fell in lust with earlier. "And she pleased Samson well."
"If ye had not plowed with my heifer"
Samson called his wife a heifer and accuses the Philistines of having sex with her.
"But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend." 14:20
Samson's father-in-law gave Samson's wife away to a friend, since he thought Samson "hated" her. He suggests
that Samson take his younger daughter instead, saying the younger one's prettier anyway. 15:2
After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of
perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an
ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of
After the Israelites heard the Levite's story (about chopping up his dead concubine and sending her body parts to each
tribe of Israel) they vowed not to "give" their daughters to the Benjamites. So now they had a problem: they just finished
killing all the Benjamite women and children (Jg 20:48) so there were no women for the surviving Benjamite men to marry.
[There were 600 Benjamite men that survived the war with the Israelites. (Jg 20:47)]
To find wives for the Benjamites (they were unwilling to use their own daughters), the other tribes attacked
and killed all occupants of a city except for the young virgins. These virgins were then given to the Benjamites for
Here's what the Israelites decide to do. They will go and kill everyone in Jabeshgilead except for the virgin
women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites. 21:11
So the Israelites killed all the non-virgin women and children in Jabeshgilead, bringing back 400 virgin women
to give to the Benjamites. But they were still 200 short. Damn! 21:12-14
Then the elders of the congregation said, How shall we do for wives for them that remain, seeing the women are
destroyed out of Benjamin?" 21:16
"We may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that
giveth a wife to Benjamin." 21:18
So they come up with another brilliant plan. Have the Benjamites hide in the bushes and then catch the daughters
of Shiloh when they come out to dance. So that's what they did and everyone lived happily ever after. 21:19-23
Ruth does as Naomi says, and then at midnight Boaz wakes up and finds Ruth "at his feet." He asks who she is,
and she says, "I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore your skirt over thine handmaid."
"And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something
like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy,
another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20
David and Saul have a contest to see who can kill the most people for God, and the women act as
cheerleaders saying, "Saul has killed his thousands, and David his tens of thousands."
18:6-7, 21:11, 29:5
David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal).
Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
The priest tells David that he and his men can eat the "hallowed" bread if "they have kept themselves at least
from women." David assures the priest that they have and that "the vessels of the young men are holy." So it'd be OK
for them to eat the holy bread. 21:4-5
"And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal, that he died." This was convenient for
David who then took his property and his wife, Abigail. 25:38
"When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail,
to take her to him to wife." 25:39
David takes his second wife (Abigail) after God killed her husband (Nabal). He also, at the same time,
took another wife (#3), Ahinoam. In the meantime, Saul gave Michal (his daughter and David's first wife) to another
"David rescued his two wives."
Oh, goodie! David got his wives back! 30:18
"David went up thither, and his two wives also." 2:2
David, by this time, has at least seven wives (Michal, Ahinoam, Abigail, Maacah, Haggith, Abital, and Ehlah),
and he was just getting started. 3:2-5
David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines."
Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Samuel 18:27).
Michal was bought by David with 200 Philistine foreskins
(1 Sam 18:25-27), then she was "given"
to Phatiel (1 Sam 25:44), and then "taken back" by David.
Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping behind her."
"And David took him more concubines and wives." (How many? God knows I suppose, but he doesn't tell us in
the Bible.) 5:13
King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. When Michal criticizes him for exposing himself, God punishes her by
having "no child unto the day of her death." Although 21:8 says that she had five sons (which were sacrificed
to God by David to stop God from starving people to death). 6:14-23
David sees a woman (Bathsheba) bathing and likes what he sees. so he sends for her and commits adultery
with her "for she was purified from her uncleanness." She conceives and bears a son (of course).
David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathsheba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle
... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife. 11:15,
God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will have David's wives raped by his
neighbor while everyone else watches. It turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's
own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12
To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. 12:14-18
After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears
another son (Solomon). 12:24
Ammon (David's son) says to his half-sister Tamar, "Come lie with me, my sister." But she resists, so he
rapes her and then sends her away. Tamar, knowing that she now belongs to him (since she was a virgin), expects him
to marry her, but he refuses. 13:1-22
"And the king left ten women, which were concubines, to keep the house."
David left Jerusalem because he was afraid that his son Absalom was going to kill him. But he left his
concubines to fend for themselves. 15:16
Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." This was according the God's plan
as announced in 12:11-12. 16:21-22
To punish his ten concubines for
being raped by his son, Absalom (See 16:21-22),
David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to
"keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3
Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin minister unto him.
"King Solomon loved many strange women."
God didn't mind the number so much; it was their "strangeness" that he objected to. 11:1
"The LORD said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you:
for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods."
Note that Solomon is told to stay away from foreign women. Why? Because they have different ("strange")
religious beliefs, and God disapproves of mixed-faith marriages. 11:2
"He [Solomon] had seven hundred wives ... and three hundred concubines." 11:3
His wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God."
The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kings 4:31) was misled by his wives into worshipping other gods.
The dogs shall eat Jezebel."
Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in the sight of the Lord." To punish her,
God will feed her dead body to the dogs. He also plans to feed Ahab's family to the dogs (if they live in the city)
and to the birds (if they are country folks). 21:23-25
King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders
Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. 1:7-11
Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before them. For this she is no longer to be queen,
to be replaced by someone better (prettier?). 1:12-19
Because of Vashti's disobedience, the king decrees that "all the wives shall give to their husbands honor, both the
great and the small" and "that every man should bear rule over his own house."
"All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the
king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-4
When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases the king the most. So, having won the sex
contest, she is made queen in Vashti's place. 2:8-9, 12-17
Since women are inherently dirty, the woman that "pleased the king" the most must be "purified" for
twelve months before she can be made queen. 2:9-12
Job's wife rightly says that if Job is to keep his integrity, then he should curse God (for playing vicious games with Satan) and die.
Job replies that she is talking like a "foolish woman." 2:9-10
Speaking of births, Job says: "Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean. Not one." So according to the Bible,
women are dirty (sinful), giving birth is dirty (sinful), and the newborn baby is dirty (sinful). 14:4
After God and Satan get done tormenting Job, God gave Job even more stuff than he had before, including
children. God gave Job another set of 10 kids, with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15
"How can he be clean that is born of a woman?"
Women are inherently dirty and sinful, so their offspring are 'unclean' as well. 25:4
"I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found."
The Preacher could find a few good men (maybe one in a thousand or so), but not a single good woman. 7:28
Isaiah shows his contempt for women by saying that things have gotten so bad for his people that "women rule over them."
God will "smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion" and "will discover their secret parts" since he
doesn't like the way they dress and walk. 3:16-17
After God takes away the women's jewelry and perfume, "discovers their secret parts,"
and makes them all bald and stinking, he'll kill their husbands.
Women will then become so desperate that "seven women will take hold of one man, saying ... let us be called by thy name, to
take away our reproach." 4:1
After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up
"a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5
Egypt will become weakened and frightened "like unto women" when God shakes his hand over it.
Talking about graven images Isaiah says, "thou shalt cast them away as a menstrous cloth." 30:22
"Tremble, ye women that are at ease .. strip you, and make you bare ... They shall lament for the teats."
Ye sons of the sorceress, the seed of the adulterer and the whore."
You sons of witches, adulterers, and whores! 57:3
Jeremiah insults people by calling them "harlots" who have sex on every hill and
under every tree. 2:20
God compares Jerusalem's sinful ways to a promiscuous woman, or a wild donkey in heat. 2:24
"Can a maid forget her ornaments, or a bride her attire?" This is meant to be a
rhetorical question with an obvious answer: Of course not; women think only about their clothes. 2:32
A divorced woman is "polluted" when she remarries. The man, of course, remains perfectly
clean through it all, even though he was the one who "put her away" in the first place. 3:1
"See where thou hast not been lien with. In the ways hast thou sat for them ... and thou hast polluted the land with thy whoredoms."
"Thou hadst a whore's forehead."
Jeremiah loves to insult people. His favorite insult is to call someone a whore. 3:3
"She is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played the harlot." 3:6
Judah commits adultery with "stocks and stones." 3:9
"Thou ... hast scattered thy ways to the strangers under every green tree." 3:13
"As a wife treacherously departeth from her husband...."
If a woman leaves her husband, she is "treacherous," but a man is blameless when he "puts her away" for no
God will punish the men by taking away their property, including their wives, and giving it to others.
To punish the men, God will "give their wives to others." 8:10
"For the greatness of thine iniquity are thy skirts discovered, and thy heels made bare." 13:22
God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by
lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and abominations and
whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it! 13:26-27
"The virgin of Israel hath done a very horrible thing." (She fucked another god.) 18:13
God sends a "man clothed with linen" to mark the foreheads of the men who will be
saved. Apparently only men are considered good enough to keep, the others (unmarked
men, "maids", little children, and women) are to be slaughtered. God says
he'll "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no
"Woe to the woman that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your
pillows." (God likes neither woman nor pillows.) 13:18-21
God dresses up Jerusalem,
cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments her on her nice hair
and breasts. 16:6-7, 22
Jerusalem was a harlot who had sex with everyone that passed by. If no one was available, she "committed whoredom" with "images of men."
"Thou ... hast opened thy feet to every one that passed by." 16:25
"Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy neighbours, great of flesh." (Jerusalem
had sex with Egyptians with big penises.) 16:26
Jerusalem still wasn't satisfied after having sex with the the well-endowed Egyptians (v.26), so she had sex with Assyrians, Canaanites, Chaldeans,
and complete strangers, but still was not satisfied. So she hired men to "come in unto [her] on every side." 16:28-29
God calls Jerusalem "an imperious whorish woman." 16:30
God says that Jerusalem has sex with strangers, hiring them to "come in unto thee on every side."
Because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her nakedness
before all of her lovers. 16:35-37
After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more.
Then he'll have her stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords." 16:38-41
A good man never gets near a menstruating
"They humbled her that was set apart for pollution."
(They had sex with a menstruating woman.) 22:10
Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and
bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was
discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the
surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off"
her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death.
"Their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity." 23:3
"Thus she committed her whoredoms with them ... with all their idols she defiled herself." 23:7
"They bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her." 23:8
"These discovered her nakedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword." 23:10
"Her sister ... was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and
in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms." 23:11
"And the Babylonians came
to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom,
and she was polluted with them." 23:17
"So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness ... she multiplied her whoredoms." 23:18-19
Really Big Penises. One of the sister (Aholibah) had lovers
"whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses."
"The lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth." 23:21
"They shall also strip
thee out of thy clothes, and take away thy fair jewels." 23:26
"I will do these things unto thee, because thou hast gone a whoring after the heathen ... Thou shalt be laughed to scorn and had in
derision ... thou shalt be filled with drunkenness and sorrow." 23:30-33
"Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD." 23:34
"They came: for whom thou didst wash thyself, paintedst thy eyes, and
deckedst thyself with ornaments, And satest upon a stately bed." 23:40-41
"They went in unto her, as they go in unto a woman that playeth the harlot." 23:44
"And the righteous men, they shall judge them after the manner of adulteresses, and after the manner of women that shed blood;
because they are adulteresses, and blood is in their hands." 23:45
"Thus will I cause lewdness to cease out of the land, that all women may be taught." 23:48
God gets all excited about cooking with "scum" and human flesh, saying "kindle the fire, consume the
flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned. Her scum shall be in the fire." 24:3-14
God kills Ezekiel's wife and then tells him not to mourn her. 24:16-18
God says he will destroy Tyrus. He plans to kill everyone, but he is especially looking
forward to killing all of the women. "And her daughters which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and
they shall know that I am the LORD." 26:1-21
The Israelites were like a menstruating women, so God poured his fury on them. 36:17-18
God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great
whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3
God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks
them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or
he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3
God "will not have mercy upon ... the children of whoredoms. For their mother hath played the
God says he "will discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers." 2:10
"She decked herself with her earrings and her jewels, and she went after her lovers, and forgat me, saith the LORD." 2:13
God tells Hosea to love an adulteress. (I thought he already did that in chapter 1.) In any case, Hosea buys (another?) one
for a homer and a half of barley. 3:1-2
Committing whoredom by going a whoring with the spirit of whoredom. 4:10
If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom" and your wife "commit
Jesus says that divorce is permissible when the wife is guilty of fornication.
But what if the husband is unfaithful? Jesus doesn't seem to care about that.
When Jesus' mother wants to see him, Jesus asks, "Who is my mother?" 12:47-49
Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 19:29
"Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days." Why? Does God especially hate
pregnant and nursing women? 24:19
The kingdom of heaven like ten virgins who went to meet their bridegroom. Five had oil for their lamps and five didn't.
When the bridegroom was ready for them, only the five well-oiled virgins got to have sex with him on their wedding night.
The bridegroom shunned the other five, saying "Get lost. I don't even know you." The moral to the story is this: watch out,
you never know when (or with whom) Jesus will come.25:1-13
"Woman, what have I to do with thee?"
And his most blessed mother said unto him, "I'm your fucking
mother, you jerk." (Or words to that effect.) 2:4
Jesus magically perceived that a Samaritan woman had been married and divorced five times previously.
(He could spot a divorced woman a mile away.) Since women weren't allowed to get a divorce, it was always the woman's fault
and divorced women were considered outcasts. This was a great opportunity for Jesus to explain why the Mosaic marriage laws
were unjust and correct them -- if he thought they were wrong, that is, which apparently he didn't. 4:7-18
Jesus tells Mary Magdalene not to touch him because he hasn't yet ascended -- as if the touch of a woman
would defile him and somehow prevent him from ascending into heaven. 20:17
Peter and God scare Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that they made when
selling their land. 5:1-10
If you "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ," then you and your whole family will be saved; otherwise, God
will send you all to hell. 16:31
The jailer was so impressed with the holy jailbreak that he converted on the spot. He and his entire family were baptized that night.
It didn't matter to Paul (or God) what the jailer's wife and kids thought about it. They were "his" so he
could do whatever the hell he wanted with (or to) them.
(This stupid story supports the idea of infant baptism, which has divided Christians for centuries.) 16:33
Paul would prefer that no one marry. But he says "to avoid fornication, let every man have his
own wife." 7:1-2
"Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife." 7:27
Paul says "the head of the woman is the man," meaning that the women are to be subordinate to men. 11:3
If a woman refuses to cover her head in church, then her her head must be shaved. 11:5-6
"A man ... is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man." 11:7
"For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man." 11:8
"Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man." 11:9
Every women should have power on her head because of the angels. 11:10
"Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?" 11:13
Women are commanded by Paul to be silent in church and to be obedient to men. He further says that "if they
will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in
Women are to dress modestly, "with shamefacedness" -- "not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly
"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a
woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence." 2:11-12
Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned after, Eve. But even though women are
inferior to men, they shouldn't be discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15
"A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have
You should help a widow only if she: has no children or nephews;
is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time; is not living in pleasure (a widow living in pleasure is the living dead);
is over 60 years old; had only one husband; has raised children; has lodged strangers; has washed the saints' feet; has relieved
the afflicted; and has diligently followed every good work. 5:3-10
Never help a young widow (one under 60 years old). When they wax wanton against Christ, they'll get
married, and be damned to hell for rejecting their faith. Besides, young widows are idle busybodies, wandering around from house to house saying
things they shouldn't say. They should get married and have children (though
they'll be damned to hell for it). Heck, some of them have already turned aside after Satan. 5:11-15
Peter orders all wives to be "in subjection" to their husbands. 3:1
Wives are to use "chaste conversation, coupled with fear." They are not to braid their hair, wear gold, or put on
any "apparel." They are to do these things in imitation of the "holy" women of the Old testament who were "in
subjection to their won husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord." 3:2-6
In relation to her husband, the wife is "the weaker vessel." 3:7
Jezebel (whom God had thrown off a wall, trampled by horses, and eaten by dogs
(2 Kg 9:33-37) is further
reviled by John, saying "that woman Jezebel" taught and seduced God's "servants to commit fornication."
Jesus will "cast her [Jezebel] into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her."
Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.")
The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth.
Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet
colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the
"filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying:
"Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the
Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5
"And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the
blood of the martyrs." 17:6
"All nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the
earth have committed fornication with her." 18:3
The "great whore" corrupted the earth with her fornication. 19:2