Genesis 30

Rachel tells Jacob she will die if she can't have babies
(Jacob says, Don't talk to me about it, talk to God)

30:1 And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.

30:2 And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

(30:1-23) The Great Baby Making Contest
Jacob's wives and concubines compete to the have the most babies, with God inspecting, opening, and closing wombs, as required.

(30:1) When Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children or else I die.
Rachel considers herself worthless if she cannot produce children for her husband.

Rachel tells Jacob to have sex with her slave, Bilhah
(So she can have babies through her)

30:3 And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.

(30:3) Behold my maid Bilhah, Go in unto her.
But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way Sarah did in 16:2.

So Jacob has sex with Bilhah, who has a son named Dan

30:4 And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.

30:5 And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.

30:6 And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.

(30:4-5) And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son. (These arrangements seldom produce daughters. See v. 21 for a rare exception.)

Bilhah has another son, Napthtali

30:7 And Bilhah Rachel's maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.

30:8 And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.

(30:7-8) Bilhah Rachel's maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son ... Naphtali.

Leah couldn't get pregnant,
So she gave Jacob her slave Zilpah "to wife"

30:9 When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.

(30:9) When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.

Zilpah bear two sons: Gad and Asher

30:10 And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a son.

30:11 And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad.

(30:10-11) Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a son ... Gad

30:12 And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a second son.

30:13 And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.

(30:12-13) Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a second son ... Asher.

Reuben brought mandrakes to mother Leah;
Rachel bought the mandrakes from Leah
(by offering her sex with Jacob)

30:14 And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.

30:15 And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes.

(30:14) Reuben ... found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.

(Mandrakes are narcotic plants in the Solanaceae family, with many associated superstitious beliefs. Their bulbous roots sometimes resemble male sexual organs and were thought to be aphrodisiacs. Unfortunately, they only grow where the semen of a hanged man falls to the ground, so they are rare nowadays. If you find one, don't dig up the root; if you do, you will be instantly killed by its scream.)

(30:15) Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes.
Rachel trades sex with her husband for Leah's mandrakes.

Leah tells Jacob he must have sex with her.
(Because she hired him with her son's mandrakes)

30:16 And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.

(30:16) Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.

Jacob had sex with Leah a couple more times.
And Leah had two more sons: Issachar and Zebulun

30:17 And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.

30:18 And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.

(30:17-18) God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son ... Issachar.

30:19 And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.

30:20 And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun.

(30:19-20) Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son ... Zebulun.

And finally, a daughter is born: Dinah!
(This is the only daughter in the baby making contest)

30:21 And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.

(30:21) And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.
Finally, after 11 consecutive sons, a daughter is born (Dinah).

God remembered Rachel and she had a son - Joseph

30:22 And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.

30:23 And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach:

30:24 And she called his name Joseph; and said, The LORD shall add to me another son.

(30:22-24) God remembered Rachel, and ... opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son ... Joseph.
And finally, "God remembered Leah (He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one with the really cool mandrakes.") and opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son (Surprise, surprise)."

Now that Jacob has a dozen children, he asks Laban to let him leave.

30:25 And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.

30:26 Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.

Laban asks Jacob to stay, since he'd learned by experience
that the Lord blessed him for Jacob's sake

30:27 And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake.

30:28 And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.

(30:27) I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake.
Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other versions translate this verse.

Jacob says he wants to leave.
Laban asks him what he owes him for his labor.

30:29 And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.

30:30 For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it is now increased unto a multitude; and the LORD hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also?

30:31 And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep thy flock.

Jacob says he'd like all the speckled and spotted cattle

30:32 I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.

30:33 So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.

Laban agrees: Jacob can have the speckled and spotted cattle

30:34 And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word.

30:35 And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.

30:36 And he set three days' journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban's flocks.

Jacob makes lots of speckled and spotted cattle
by having the cattle look at streaked rods while copulating

30:37 And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.

30:38 And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.

30:39 And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

30:40 And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban's cattle.

30:41 And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.

30:42 But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's.

(30:37-39)
Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked, speckled, and spotted baby goats. (Goats are "cattle" in the King James Version.)

(30:37) Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.

(30:38) And he set the rods ... before the flocks ... when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.

(30:39) And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

By creating speckled cattle,
Jacob became wealthy with lots of cattle, camels, asses, and slaves.

30:43 And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses.

(30:43) Camels
Domesticated camels didn't exist at the time Jacob supposedly lived.