0 Psalms : Absurdity

Psalms : Absurdity (75)

  1. "The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9
  2. God made the heavens with his fingers. 8:3
  3. God's eyelids. 11:4
  4. "They are all together become filthy: there is none that doth good, no, not one." Everyone is filthy and no one has ever done anything good. 14:3
  5. "My reins also instruct me in the night seasons."
    The Psalmist's kidneys (reins) instruct him at night. 16:7
  6. "At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." 16:11
  7. God's lips 17:4
  8. The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7
  9. Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth. 18:8
  10. God curved the heavens and came down to earth with darkness under his feet. 18:9
  11. God rides upon cherubs and flies through the sky. 18:10
  12. "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15
  13. "Thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns." 22:21
  14. "Try my reins and my heart."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 26:2
  15. "The Lord is upon many waters. ... The Lord sitteth upon the flood." 29:3, 10
  16. God's voice is so loud it can break the cedars of Lebanon. 29:5
  17. "He maketh them also to skip ... like a young unicorn." 29:6
  18. Those who fear God never starve. 33:19
  19. Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who are poor or hungry just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10
  20. "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all."
    Nothing bad ever happens to righteous folks. 34:19
  21. Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who starve to death didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3
  22. If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4
  23. The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In nature they inherit nothing, but die painful deaths from disease, starvation, and predation. 37:11
  24. The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
  25. "Thou hast sore broken us in the place of dragons." 44:19
  26. "Thou art fairer than the children of men ... therefore God hath blessed thee for ever." 45:2
  27. God's clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. 45:8
  28. Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1
  29. Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They tell lies immediately after birth (before they can even talk!). 58:3
  30. According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move along. 58:8
  31. They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14
  32. "The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented. 59:10
  33. God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that he doesn't. Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says that he will throw his shoe at them. 60:7-8
  34. God will shoot people with his arrows and make their tongues fall upon themselves. 64:7-10
  35. God's name is "JAH". 68:4
  36. "The earth shook, the heavens also dropped at the presence of God: even Sinai itself was moved at the presence of God." 68:8
  37. God has 20,000 chariots and thousands of angels. "The Lord is among them." 68:17
  38. God rides on the heavens of heavens, he sends out his mighty voice, his strength is in the clouds, and he is terrible in his holy places. 68:33-35
  39. "I made sackcloth also my garment; and I became a proverb to them." 69:11
  40. "I was the song of the drunkards." 69:12
  41. The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28
  42. "I was pricked in my reins."
    ("Reins" means kidneys in the Bible.) 73:21
  43. God is so strong that he can break the head of dragons and of leviathan. 74:13-14
  44. "The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were afraid." 77:16
  45. "The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry, and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22
  46. Man did eat angels' food." 78:25
  47. "He rained flesh also upon them as dust, and feathered fowls like as the sand of the sea."
    See Numbers 11:20-32, where God sends quails to feed the Israelites until it literally came out their noses. 78:27
  48. "And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He kicked their ass.) 78:66
  49. "With honey out of the rock should I have satisfied thee." 81:16
  50. "I have said, Ye are gods." Jesus quotes this verse in John 10:34 to get out of a tough spot. (He was claiming to be God for which the Jews accused him of blasphemy.) 82:6
  51. "The LORD God is a sun." 84:11
  52. "I will make mention of Rahab"
    Rahab is a sea-demon or dragon from ancient Jewish folklore. 87:4
  53. "Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10
  54. "The dragon shalt thou trample under feet." 91:13
  55. The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect -- "like the horn of a unicorn." 92:10
  56. "They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing." Being fat is is sure sign of righteousness. (Wicked people are skinny and hungry.) 92:12-14
  57. "A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about." 97:3
  58. "The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases. Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3
  59. "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy."
    Is this the same guy who demanded that peoples' heads be hung up before him to appease his fierce anger (Numbers 25:4), and who ordered the slaughter of thousands of innocent men, women, children (1 Samuel 15:2-3)? 103:8
  60. "The waters stood above the mountains."
    Noah's flood covered the highest mountains, just like it says in Genesis 7:20. 104:6-7
  61. "He smote ... their fig trees." (God hates figs) 105:33
  62. God swears. 110:4
  63. "God ... turned the rock into a standing water, the flint into a fountain of waters." 114:7-8
  64. "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." 116:15
  65. Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease." 119:69-70
  66. "The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night." So believers don't have to bother with sunscreen. God will protect them from sunburn, and moonburn too. 121:5-6
  67. "Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee."
    Jews, Christians, and Muslims all love Jerusalem, and fight each other for the holy city, exclusively given to them by God. None of them prosper. 122:6
  68. "Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it."
    God doesn't build houses or watch over cities; people do. 127:1
  69. "He giveth his beloved sleep."
    Don't bother getting up early and working hard. If God loves you, you can sleep in and let God take care you. 127:2
  70. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever." 136:10
  71. God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:15 a
  72. God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18
  73. "If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning. If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth." 137:5-6
  74. God is in hell. 139:8
  75. Even the dragons praise the Lord. 148:7

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