0 1 Kings : Absurdity

Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat. 1:2

Trivia: Who did God say he would cut off from Jeroboam?

1 Kings : Absurdity (74)

  1. When Solomon was annointed king the people sang and shouted so loudly that it caused an earthquake! 1:39-40
  2. "The LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night: and God said, Ask what I shall give thee."
    God appeared to Solomon in a dream and offered him whatever he wanted. 3:5
  3. God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of all men. (He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also promises to "lengthen Solomon's days" if he will only "walk in my ways, ... as thy father David did walk." 3:12-14
  4. And Solomon awoke; and, behold, it was a dream."
    It was only a dream. None of it every happened. God didn't appear to Solomon and God didn't make him the wisest person on earth. It was just a silly dream like we all have now and then. 3:15
  5. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, but only three children: two daughters (Taphath and Basmath) and one son (Rehoboam). 4:11, 15
  6. "God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding exceeding much, and largeness of heart, even as the sand that is on the sea shore." 4:29
  7. How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have his heart "turned away ... after other gods?" (1 Kings 11:4) 4:29-31
  8. "He was wiser than ... Heman." 4:31
  9. Solomon wrote 1005 songs. 4:32
    (I think that beats Willie Nelson.)
  10. The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny compared to the one he built for himself. According to 7:1-2 , God's house had less than one-quarter the floor space of Solomon's. 6:2, 7:1-2
  11. When the priests brought the ark into the temple, a "cloud filled the house of the LORD So that the priests" could not see. 8:10-11
  12. God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment for sin. 8:35
  13. When dedicating the temple, Solomon killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 8:63
  14. The LORD appeared to Solomon the second time ... and the LORD said unto him...."
    God and Solomon have a long face to face talk. 9:2-3
  15. "They came to Ophir, and fetched from thence gold, four hundred and twenty talents, and brought it to king Solomon."
    420 talents would be about 31,500 pounds of gold, which would be worth more than one half billion U.S. dollars today. 9:28
  16. "She gave the king an hundred and twenty talents of gold."
    Since a talent was about 75 pounds, the Queen of Sheba gave Solomon 9000 pounds of gold, which would be worth around 144 million U.S. dollars today. 10:10
  17. "The weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred threescore and six talents of gold."
    Every year, Solomon received 666 talents of gold, which sounds a bit satanic to me. (666 talents of gold would weigh about 50,000 pounds and would be worth nearly 800 million U.S. dollars today.) 10:14
  18. "And the king made silver to be in Jerusalem as stones."
    When Solomon was king, silver was as common as stones in Jerusalem. 10:27
  19. "King Solomon loved many strange women."
    God didn't mind the number so much; it was their "strangeness" that he objected to. 11:1
  20. "He [Solomon] had seven hundred wives ... and three hundred concubines." 11:3
  21. His wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God."
    The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kings 4:31) was misled by his wives into worshipping other gods. 11:4
  22. His heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as was the heart of David his father ... Solomon did evil in the sight of the LORD, and went not fully after the LORD, as did David his father." David was one of the most disgusting characters in all fiction, yet "his heart was perfect with the Lord." 11:4, 6
  23. "Then did Solomon build an high place for Chemosh, the abomination of Moab, in the hill that is before Jerusalem, and for Molech, the abomination of the children of Ammon."
    Solomon (the wisest man that ever lived) worshipped many gods, including Ashtoreth, Micom, Chemosh, and Molech. 11:7
  24. "The LORD stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite."
    To punish Solomon for his strange wives and strange gods, God "stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite." 11:14
  25. "Joab ... had smitten every male in Edom."
    Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. Yet a few years later Edom revolted. (2 Kings 8:22) 11:15-16
  26. "And God stirred him up another adversary, Rezon." 11:23
  27. "Ahijah caught the new garment that was on him, and rent it in twelve pieces ... for thus saith the LORD, the God of Israel, Behold, I will rend the kingdom out of the hand of Solomon." 11:30-31
  28. "They ... have not walked in my ways, to do that which is right in mine eyes, and to keep my statutes and my judgments, as did David his father." 11:33
  29. "David my servant ... whom I chose, because he kept my commandments and my statutes." 11:34
  30. "Jerusalem, the city which I have chosen."
    God likes Jerusalem better than any other city. 11:36
  31. "If thou wilt ... walk in my ways, and do that is right in my sight, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as David my servant did...." 11:38
  32. Jeroboam's goldent calves. 12:28-33
  33. "I [king Rehoboam] will chastise you with scorpions." 12:11, 14
  34. "And this thing became a sin." 12:30
  35. "There came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the LORD ... and he cried against the altar in the word of the LORD, and said, O altar, altar...." 13:1-2
  36. This is the sign which the LORD hath spoken; Behold, the altar shall be rent, and the ashes that are upon it shall be poured out ... The altar also was rent, and the ashes poured out from the altar, according to the sign which the man of God had given by the word of the LORD." 13:3-5
  37. "And his hand, which he put forth against him, dried up ... And the man of God besought the LORD, and the king's hand was restored him again."
    Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4-6
  38. "A lion met him by the way, and slew him."
    So there were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sent a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24
  39. After killing the "man of God" for God, the lion hung around with the ass and the carcass on the side of the road for a few days. 13:24-25, 28
  40. "When the prophet ... heard thereof, he said, It is the man of God, who was disobedient unto the word of the LORD: therefore the LORD hath delivered him unto the lion, which hath torn him, and slain him, according to the word of the LORD." 13:26
  41. Everything that David did was right in the eyes of the Lord. (See here for a sample of what God considers "right".) 14:8
  42. "But [Jeroboam] hast done evil above all that were before thee."
    Jeroboam did more evil than everyone who has ever lived. 14:9
  43. During Rehoboam's reign, every tree had a shrine with a sacred stone and every hill an Asherah pole. 14:23
  44. "And his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father." 15:3
  45. "For David's sake"
    God has a hard-on for David. He'll do just about anything for David's sake. 15:4
  46. "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite."
    David never sinned, "save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite." 15:5
  47. Did Abijam marry his own mother?
    Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah), Abijam was both father and brother to Asa. 15:9-10
  48. "Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, As did David his father." 15:11
  49. "Omri ... did worse than all that were before him."
    Omni was the worst person that ever existed (up to that time, anyway). 16:25
  50. "Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the LORD above all that were before him."
    Ahab was the worst person that ever existed. He replaced his father Omri as the worst person in the world. 16:30
  51. "Ahab did more to provoke the LORD God of Israel to anger than all the kings of Israel that were before him." 16:33
  52. Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and dinner. 17:6
  53. God "brings evil" upon the widow's son by killing him. Elijah took the dead boy to his room, laid him on the bed, and stretched his body on the boy's body three times. Which did the trick.
    (See a similar but even creepier story in 2 Kings 4:32-35, where Elisha resurrects a dead boy by stretching himself upon him.) 17:17-22
  54. "He ... fell on his face." 18:7
  55. "Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked."
    Note from the Oxford Annotated Bible: "He has gone aside ['he pursueth' in the KJV] is probably a euphemism for attending to natural needs." 18:27
  56. "The fire of the Lord fell, and consumed ... stones." 18:38
  57. "And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces." 18:39
  58. When the hand of the Lord comes on Elijah, he girded up his loins and ran to Jezreel, running so fast that he arrived before Ahab who was on horseback! 18:46
  59. "An angel touched him."
    Elijah was touched by an angel. 19:5
  60. "Behold, there was a cake ... and he did eat."
    Elijah ate some angel food cake. 19:6
  61. "He arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights."
    Elijah went forty days on two (angel food cake) meals. 19:8
  62. God passes by and causes a great wind, earthquake, fire, and a little voice. (God was in the little voice.) 19:11-12
  63. "The servants of the king of Syria said unto him, Their gods are gods of the hills."
    God killed 127,000 Syrians because they called him a "God of the hills." (See verses 28-30) 20:23
  64. "A man of God ... said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the LORD."
    God kills 127,000 Syrians because they said he was God of the hills but not God of the valleys. 20:28
  65. God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites' hands, and 100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. (It was a really big wall.) 20:28-30
  66. "The children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day." 20:29
  67. "There a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left." 20:30
  68. "Let us, I pray thee, put sackcloth on our loins, and ropes upon our heads ... So they girded sackcloth on their loins, and put ropes on their heads." 20:31-32
  69. There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "Smite me." But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. True story. 20:35-36
  70. Killing everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10, 16:11, 21:21
  71. "When Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his flesh, and fasted, and lay in sackcloth, and went softly." 21:27
  72. "And the LORD said, Who shall persuade Ahab?"
    God asks for volunteer among the guys hanging out with him. He wants one of them to lie for him so that he can get Ahab kiiled. 22:19-22
  73. God's dog food. 21:19, 22:23
  74. "Zedekiah ... smote Micaiah on the cheek, and said, Which way went the Spirit of the LORD from me to speak unto thee?" 22:24

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