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1 Chronicles: Absurdity
- The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good examples of the "endless genealogies" that Paul tells us to avoid
(see 1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9). Chapters 1-9
- Seven sons of Zerubbabel are listed, not five as is said in this verse. 3:20
- Five sons of Shemiah are listed, not six as is said in this verse. 3:22
- As if it wasn't boring enough the first time, ten verses from Saul's genealogy are
repeated in consecutive chapters. 8:29-38, 9:35-44
- "So David waxed greater and greater: for the LORD of hosts was with him."
It would be hard to find a more disgusting character in all fiction than David, but "the Lord of hosts was with him."
- The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 300 guys at one time.
- Eleazar the son of Dodo ... one of the three mighties ... slew the Philistines; and the LORD saved them by a great deliverance."
- David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well,
which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from
the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground.
- Abishai killed 300 men with his spear. 11:20
- "Benaiah ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion." 11:22
- The Gadites had faces like lions and could run as fast as deer on the mountains.
- A talkative spirit (The Holy Spirit?) comes upon Amasai and says, "Thine are we, David and on thy side...." 12:19
- "The LORD said unto him, Go up; for I will deliver them into thine hand."
God tells David to go to war with the Philistines, promising to deliver them into his hand. 14:10
- "David enquired again of God; and God said unto him, Go not up after them; turn away from them, and come upon them over against the
mulberry trees." 14:14
- God tells David to listen for a sound in the mulberry trees. That sound will mean that God has already killed the Philistines.
- "Michal, the daughter of Saul looking out at a window saw
king David dancing and playing: and she despised him in her heart."
Michal looks out her window and
sees David dancing nearly naked in front of God and everybody. And she is rightly disgusted by it.
- David gave every man and woman in Israel a large bottle of wine. 16:3
- "For his mercy endures forever." 16:34
- David's servants had their buttocks exposed. 19:4
- David puts on a crown weighing 1 talent (34 kg). (He had a very strong neck.)
- "The children of the giant" 20:4
- "A man of great stature ... he also was the son of a giant." 20:6
- "These were born unto the giant in Gath." 20:8
- According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah,
Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE.
(The United States had about 1.37
million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5
- "And God sent an angel unto Jerusalem to destroy it: and as he was destroying, the LORD beheld, and he repented him of the evil,
and said to the angel that destroyed, It is enough, stay now thine hand." 21:15
- "David lifted up his eyes, and saw the angel of the LORD stand between the earth and the heaven, having a drawn sword in his hand stretched out over Jerusalem."
- "Then David and the elders ... fell on their faces." 21:16b
- David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and
silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a
talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver.
- "The sons of Jeduthun; Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah, Hashabiah, and Mattithiah, six." But
only five are listed. 25:3
- King David collects ten thousand drams (or
darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics
were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David.
- As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (5000 talents
of gold, for example, would be about 150,000 kilograms, which would be worth about 4.2 billion US dollars in today's market.)
- "And the fame of David went out into all lands; and the LORD brought the fear of him upon all nations."
(Even the Native Americans, Polynesians, and Chinese emperors feared David!) 14:17
- "Satan ... provoked David to number Israel." 21:1