Leviticus: Absurdity

  1. God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9
  2. "For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17, 2:2, 9, 12, 3:5, 16, 6:15, 21
  3. "It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10
  4. "All the fat is the Lord's."
    When you do your burnt offerings, remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." (And he doesn't like to share!) 3:16
  5. "If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone "sin through ignorance?" Don't you have to at least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful? 4:2, 13, 22, 27
  6. Things that make you unclean and guilty (like touching a dead bug or cow, or "the uncleanness of man" (?!), or swearing to do something good). 5:2-4
  7. "Or if he touch the uncleanness of man ... he shall be guilty."
    If you touch "the uncleanness of man" (?!) you'll be guilty. 5:3
  8. "Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good ... he shall be guilty."
    If you swear to do something evil or good, you'll be guilty. 5:4
  9. "He shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD ... a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats."
    If you touch an insect, dead animal, or "the uncleanness of man" or if you swear to do something good or bad (5:2-4), kill a female lamb or goat for God. (A female will do since it's a minor offense.) 5:6
  10. If you sin without knowing that you've done anything wrong, kill an unblemished ram for God. 5:14-15
  11. "If a soul sin ... though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity."
    If you sin against your own will, you are still guilty. 5:17
  12. "Whatsoever shall touch the flesh thereof shall be holy."
    Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering is holy. 6:27
  13. The holy law of trespass offering: Find an animal; kill it; sprinkle the blood around; offer God the fat, rump, kidneys, and caul; burn and eat it in the holy place, for "it is most holy." 7:1-6
  14. The priest gets all the skin to himself. Lucky! 7:8
  15. The priest also gets all the meat in the frying pan. 7:9
  16. Aaron's sons get all the meat and oil. 7:10
  17. The law of peace offerings requires a priest to sprinkle blood around. 7:11-14
  18. Eat all your sacrificed animals the same day that you kill them. Leftovers are not allowed! 7:15
  19. Don't eat any of your dead sacrificial animals on the third day after you kill them. That is an abomination to God and he will never forgive you for it! 7:18
  20. Don't eat any of your dead sacrificed animals if they have touched any unclean thing. 7:19
  21. Don't eat any sacrificed animals while you have your uncleanness upon you. If you do, you'll be exiled. 7:20
  22. If you touch any unclean thing (like "the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any other abominable unclean thing") while eating sacrificed animals, you will be exiled. 7:21
  23. Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or you will be exiled. 7:23-25
  24. The fat with the breast shall be waved for a wave offering before the Lord. 7:30
  25. The priest shall burn the fat on the altar, but the breast is for Aaron and his sons. 7:31
  26. Give the priest the right shoulder for a heave offering. 7:32
  27. Aaron's sons offer the blood and fat of peace offerings, so they get the right shoulders. 7:33
  28. God gave the wave breasts or heave shoulders to the priests by a statute forever. 7:34
  29. The law of the burnt offering, meat offering, sin offering, trespass offering, and peace offering are all commanded by God to be statutes forever. 7:36-37
  30. "Moses brought Aaron and ... he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod." 8:6-7
  31. "The Urim and Thummim"
    The Urim and Thummim were like the two sides of a magic coin that could be flipped to to give a yes or no answer to any question. They were also what Joseph Smith used to translate the Book of Mormon. 8:8
  32. Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32
  33. "Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger .. and poured the blood at the bottom of the altar." 8:15
  34. "And he took all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and Moses burned it upon the altar." 8:16
  35. "But the bullock, and his hide, his flesh, and his dung, he burnt with fire without the camp; as the LORD commanded Moses." 8:17
  36. "Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 8:23
  37. "And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:24
  38. "And he took the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and the right shoulder." 8:25
  39. "And he put all upon Aaron's hands, and upon his sons' hands, and waved them for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:27
  40. "Moses ... burnt them ... for a sweet savour." 8:28
  41. "And Moses took the breast, and waved it for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:29
  42. "And Moses took ... of the blood which was upon the altar, and sprinkled it upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon his sons' garments." 8:30
  43. Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord. 9:8-21
  44. "And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar." 9:9
  45. "But the fat, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver of the sin offering, he burnt upon the altar; as the LORD commanded Moses." 9:10
  46. "And the fat of the bullock and of the ram, the rump, and that which covereth the inwards, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver." 9:19
  47. "And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded." 9:21
  48. God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted and fell on their faces." 9:24
  49. God will kill any priest that leaves the tabernacle. 10:7
  50. If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by by drinking "wine or strong drink," then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." "It shall be a statute for ever." 10:9
  51. "And the wave breast and heave shoulder shall ye eat in a clean place." 10:14
  52. "The heave shoulder and the wave breast ... bring with the offerings made by fire of the fat, to wave it for a wave offering before the LORD." 10:15
  53. God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15
  54. Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God. 11:10-12
  55. Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19
  56. Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20
  57. Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23
  58. Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31
  59. If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean. 13:40-41
  60. "The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch." 11:7-8
  61. "Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination." 11:41
  62. "Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42
  63. "Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth." 11:43
  64. "She shall be unclean."
    Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their purification. (And baby girls make them twice as sinful and dirty as baby boys do.) 12:1-5
  65. "If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days ... And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days."
    If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must be purified for 33 days. 12:2, 4
  66. "But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks ... and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days."
    If a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God, girls are twice as dirty as boys. 12:5
  67. "She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
    After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are killed for him. 12:6
  68. "She shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood." 12:7
  69. "If she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean." 12:8
  70. The law of leprosy 13:1-28
  71. Laws about yellow hair and itchy spots 13:29-37
  72. The law of freckles 13:38-39
  73. Laws about baldness 13:40-44
  74. The law of the plague of leprosy in a garment 13:47-59
  75. The Law of the Leper (for those who can afford it) 14:2-20
  76. The Law of Leprosy (for those who can't afford the standard law) 14:21-32
  77. House Leprosy 14:33-53
  78. This is the Law of Leprosy (for garments, houses, scabs and bright spots) 14:54-57
  79. "He shall take to cleanse the house two birds ... And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times ... And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird." 14:49-52
  80. Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean...." 15:1-15
  81. "Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean." 15:4
  82. "And whosoever toucheth his bed shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:5
  83. "And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:6
  84. "And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:7
  85. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:8
  86. "And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean." 15:9
  87. "And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even." 15:10
  88. "And whomsoever he toucheth ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:11
  89. "And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth ... shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water." 15:12
  90. "He that hath an issue ... shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing ... and shall be clean." 15:13
  91. "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
    This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32
  92. "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16
  93. "And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17
  94. "The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:18
  95. "And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:20
  96. "And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:21
  97. "Whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:22
  98. "And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even." 15:23
  99. "Every bed whereon she lieth ... and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:26
  100. "Whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean." 15:27
  101. "This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean." 15:32-33
  102. "I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat." 16:2
  103. Aaron must come into the holy place with a young bullock for a sin offering and a ram for a burnt offering. And he must wear holy garments -- a holy linen coat, linen breeches, linen girdle, linen mitre. God loves linen! 16:3-4
  104. God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:8-28
  105. "Take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it ... seven times." 16:14
  106. "Kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his blood ... and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat." 16:15
  107. "Take of the blood of the bullock, and of the blood of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about." 16:18
  108. "He shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times." 16:19
  109. "Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the hand of a fit man into the wilderness. And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities." 16:21-22
  110. This shall be a statute for ever unto you: that in the seventh month, on the tenth day of the month, ye shall afflict your souls, and do no work at all. 16:29
  111. Ye shall afflict your souls, by a statute for ever. 16:31
  112. The priest ... shall put on the linen clothes, even the holy garments. 16:32
  113. This shall be an everlasting statute unto you, to make an atonement for the children of Israel for all their sins once a year. 16:34
  114. Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6
  115. God is angry at the people for sacrificing to devils and going a whoring after them. 17:7
  116. Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
  117. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19
  118. If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out. 18:25
  119. "Keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations ... that the land spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you." 18:26-28
  120. "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." 19:19
  121. God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for three years after the trees are planted. 19:23
  122. "Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times."
    Don't eat anything with blood, or use magic or astrology. 19:26
  123. "Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard."
    Don't round the corners of your head or beard. 19:27
  124. "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you."
    Don't get an tatoos. 19:28
  125. Don't force your daughter to become a prostitute. (Or the whole world might fall to whoredom.) 29:29
  126. Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31
  127. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14
  128. A priest must not be "defiled for the dead" -- except for his mother, father, son, daughter, brother, and sister (if she's an unmarried virgin). 21:1-4
  129. Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard." 21:5
  130. The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother." 21:11
  131. Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it. 21:16-23
  132. Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God. 21:18
  133. A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20
  134. A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5
  135. What to do if you eat some holy thing unwittingly. Important stuff that you need to know about. 22:14
  136. God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18
  137. "Ye shall offer ... a male without blemish ... Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the LORD ... Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut."
    God wants us to kill lots of animals for him. Not just any animals, though. God only wants dead, male animals without any blemishes. Don't kill any blind , broken, maimed, or scabbed, or female animials for him. 22:19-24
  138. God won't accept animal sacrifices from strangers, since strangers have blemishes and are corrupt. 22:25
  139. Don't kill animals for God until they are at least eight days old. And don't kill mother and her young on the same day. You can kill the mom on one day and her young on the next. 22:27-28
  140. "Keep my commandments, and do them."
    God wants everyone to do all the stuff he's commanded in Leviticus. 22:31
  141. God tells Moses to set up some lamps on a candlestick. The lamps must burn pure olive oil continually forever. 24:1-4
  142. God gives Moses detailed instructions for making twelve holy cakes. 24:5-9
  143. Every seventh year is a sabbatical year, during which no crops may be planted or harvested. What are you supposed to eat during this year? "The sabbath of the land shall be meat for you." Good luck with that. 25:1-7
  144. If you're wondering what you're going to eat during the sabbath and Jubilee years, don't worry. God wil make three times as much fruit the year before, so you can eat that. 25:20-21
  145. If you obey God, he'll send rain when you need it, your crops will yield well, your trees will provide fruit, you'll have plenty to eat, you will always be perfectly safe, and you will live in peace. God will even remove all the evil beasts from your land. 26:1-6
  146. God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000. 26:8
  147. God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do all these nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41
  148. "And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins." 26:18
  149. "I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins." 26:21
  150. "I ... will punish you yet (another) seven times for your sins." 26:24
  151. "And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied." 26:26
  152. "And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me ... then ... I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins." 26:27-28
  153. "I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours." 26:31
  154. The value of every animal is determined by a priest. 27:12
  155. If you want your house to be holy to God, you must have a priest determine its value. 27:14