"And Adam knew his wife; and she conceived." This is the first sexual intercourse
mentioned in the Bible. 4:1
"And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? The Bible
doesn't mention any of Cain's sisters. Well, maybe he married his mom. In any case, Cain and
the mysterious Mrs. Cain have a son (another blue cigar!). His name is Enoch and he builds a
city (population 3). 4:17
"And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son." Way to go Adam!
"The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men" producing "the mighty men of old, men of
renown." 6:2, 4
The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies
around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah
sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at
him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A
servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." This is a typical case of biblical
justice, and is one of many Bible passages that have been used to justify slavery. 9:20-25
"And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger
son had done unto him."
What did Ham do? Did he just look at his naked father or was there something more to it than that?
Some commentators have suggested that Ham committed homosexual rape on his drunken father, and that
this was why Ham's descendants were eternally punished with slavery. 9:24
Poor Pharaoh couldn't resist the "very fair" Sarai, and he takes her into
his harem. 12:15
Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for children. (In
the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She sends Abram into her
handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by her." Abram gladly complies.
God establishes his covenant with Abram: "This is my covenant ... every man child
among you shall be circumcised. And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin." It seems
that penises are supremely important to god. 17:10-11
Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God
when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her
"Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and
impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14
The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5
Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters"
instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your
eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in
2 Pet.2:7-8. 19:8
God kills everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah. This was because, so say the
Christian Right, some homosexuals lived there (See 19:4-5). 19:24-25
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just
and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and
bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story.
"The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah
conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2
Abraham makes his servant put his hand under his thigh while swearing to God.
Weird. Of course "putting his hand under his thigh" is just a polite euphemism for "holding his
testicles in his hand." Come to think of it, maybe it isn't so weird at all -- coming as it does
from a god that is completely obsessed with male genitalia. (See
Exodus 4:25, Leviticus 15:16-18,
32, and Deuteronomy 23:1) for
just a few examples.) I guess it's sort of like swearing on the bible.
"And the damsel was fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her." (Oh
Unfortunately the king "looked out a window, and saw, behold, Isaac was sporting with
Rebekah his wife." But Isaac grew rich from the lie anyway, just as his father had.
Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so
that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her
[Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was
going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too.
Jacob finally gets to "go in unto" Rachel. He loved Rachel more than Leah. 29:30
"Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she
cannot produce children for her husband. But luckily she has an idea. She says to
Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way
as did Sarah (16:2). "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah
conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements rarely produce daughters.)
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare
Jacob a son." 30:9
Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob came
home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's
mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is
teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her
brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised),
and then take their wives and children captive. 34:1-31
"Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine."
Judah has casual sex with a Canaanite woman which results in two sons, Er and Onan.
After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto thy brother's wife." But "Onan
knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he
spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew
him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many
Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control.
Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a
prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee ....
And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins
(38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of
Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18, 27-28)
After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is
with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be
Joseph is seduced by Potiphar's wife. He rejects her advances, but she claims he
"came in unto" her. 39:7-18
Joseph swears by putting his hand under Jacob's thigh -- a euphemism
for holding his testicles in his hand. 47:29
God promised to bring Jacob safely back from Egypt (Gen.46:3-4), but God doesn't
keep his promise and Jacob dies in Egypt. 49:27
Jacob says that Reuben will "not excel" because he "went up to [his] father's couch [had
sex with his father's wife]." (see Gen.35:22)