Ezekiel
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48


Absurdities
Cruelty and Violence
Injustice
Women
Sex
Intolerance
Language
Contradictions
Family Values
Prophecy
Interpretation
Science and History
Boring Stuff
Politics
Good Stuff
Homosexuality

SAB: Ezekiel


"For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." -- Ezekiel 23:20

Ezekiel for Skeptics

For pure filthiness, you just can't beat Ezekiel. Donkey-sized penises, women plucking off their breasts, baking bread with human dung, or getting drunk on human blood -- you won't find stuff like that anywhere else.

Here are the highlights.

  • Ezekiel sees God's loins ("the glory of the Lord"), which were on fire. 1:27, 8:2

  • At God's command, Ezekiel eats a book that tastes as sweet as honey. 2:9 - 3:3

  • If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling block before him," God will kill him. "He shall die in his sin" and whatever good he has done will be forgotten. 3:20, 18:24-26

  • The spirit (of God?) enters Ezekiel, ties him up, and makes his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth so that he could no longer speak. 3:24-26

  • God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days. 4:4-8

  • He tells Ezekiel to bake and eat bread that is made with the "dung that cometh out of man." 4:12

  • He tells him to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind. 5:1-3

  • He will force fathers to eat their sons and sons to eat their fathers and will cause every man's sword to be against his brother. 5:10, 38:21-23

  • God will slaughter everyone by killing one third with plagues, one third with famines, and one third with wars. If any somehow survive, he'll send "evil beasts" to devour them. Finally, after he's done killing, he "will be comforted." 5:11-17

  • He plans to kill everyone with plagues, famines, and wars. If any survive, he'll send beasts to devour them. He will decorate the land with human bones and dead bodies. 5:17, 6:5

  • He tells Ezekiel to clap his hands and stamp his feet while saying, "they shall fall by the sword, by the famine, and by the pestilence." 6:11

  • "The end is come upon the four corners of the land ... Now is the end come." 7:3-6

  • God will pour out his fury on everyone, with pity toward none. By so doing he says that "ye shall know that I am the Lord that smiteth." 7:3-11

  • He is mad at everyone and no one will escape his wrath. He'll kill them all -- good and bad, just and unjust -- with war, disease, and starvation. He will ignore them when they beg for mercy. "Horror shall cover them" and "they shall know that I am the Lord." 7:14-27, 8:18, 21:3-5

  • A detached hand grabbed Ezekiel by the hair and raised him up between heaven and earth. 8:3

  • God marks the foreheads of the men who will be saved. All of the women and unmarked men will be slaughtered. He will "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no one. 9:4

  • God will kill nearly everyone in one way or another (sword, famine, pestilence), but he’ll leave a few men standing “to declare their abominations among the heathen.” 12:15-16

  • He dislikes women and pillows. "Woe to the women that sew pillows ... behold, I am against your pillows." 13:17-21

  • He deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his lies. 14:9, 20:25

  • He dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments her on her nice hair and breasts. 16:8

  • Seeing that it is the time for love, God spreads his skirt over Jerusalem to cover her nakedness. 16:8

  • After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more. Then he'll have her stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords." 16:38-41

  • His ex-girlfriend (Jerusalem) had sex with every man that passed by. She especially liked the Egyptians with big penises. If no one was available, she "committed whoredom" with "images of men." 16:15-26

  • A just man never gets near a menstruating woman. 18:5-6

  • "For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." 23:20

  • "They shall take away thy nose and thine ears ... Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord." 23:25, 34

  • God gets all excited about cooking human flesh and "scum." 24:3-10

  • He killed Ezekiel's wife to demonstrate his intention to kill the Israelites' children. Just as God told Ezekiel not to mourn his wife's death, God forbids the parents to mourn the death of their children. 24:15-24

  • God will vex hearts, destroy nations, brandish his sword, kill animals, and cause floods. In this way people will come to know him. 32:9-15

  • If a "righteous" person does something wrong, God will forget every good thing that that person has ever done. Then God will kill him for the single mistake. 33:12-13

  • He showed Ezekiel how to join together dead people's bones and then bring them back to life. (The leg bone connected to the thigh bone.) 37:7-10

  • He is preparing a feast for the birds and beasts. They will eat human flesh until they're full and drink human blood until they're drunk. 39:4, 17-20