Ezekiel
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48

Injustice
Cruelty and Violence
Absurdities
Women
Language
Intolerance
Contradictions
Sex
Prophecy
Family Values
Science and History
Interpretation
Good Stuff
SAB: Ezekiel

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Absurdities in Ezekiel

  1. Ezekiel begins by telling us what day it is. It's the 13th year, 4th month, and 5th day. But the 13th year etc. of what exactly? 1:1, 8:1, 20:1, 24:1, 26:1, 29:1, 30:20, 32:1, 32:17

  2. Ezekiel experiences what some say is the first recorded UFO sighting. 1:4

  3. Ezekiel sees creatures that have four faces (human, lion, ox, and eagle), four wings, and straight feet with calf's soles. Well, maybe he'll feel better in the morning.1:5-10

  4. Ezekiel sees God's loins. 1:27

  5. God tells Ezekiel to eat a scroll and to "fill his bowels" with it. He does, and finds it to be as sweet as honey. 2:9, 3:1-3

  6. The spirit lifted Ezekiel into the air and transported him to the river of Chebar, where he sat astonished for seven days. 3:14-15

  7. The spirit (of God?) enters Ezekiel, ties him up, and makes his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth so that he could no longer speak. 3:24-26

  8. God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days. "And thou shalt not turn thee from one side to another, till thou hast ended the days." I'll bet he had some killer bed sores after that! 4:4-9

  9. God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the dung that cometh out of man." (Yum!) 4:12

  10. God tells Ezekiel to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second portion about with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind. 5:1-3

  11. God tells Ezekiel to clap his hands and stamp his feet while saying, "they shall fall by the sword, by the famine, and by the pestilence." 6:11

  12. Ezekiel proclaims that the world (which is flat and has four corners) is ending. 7:2, 6

  13. Ezekiel gets to see God's loins again. (See 1:27 for the first time.) 8:2

  14. Ezekiel sees God's hand come down and pluck out a hair from his head. 8:3

  15. A sapphire stone that looked like a throne appears in the firmament, and a man clothed with linen is told by God to scatter coals over the city. 10:1-2

  16. Ezekiel sees bodies, backs, hands, wings, and wheels that were "full of eyes round about."10:12

  17. Each cherub has four faces, four wings, and four human hands. 10:20-21

  18. God gets mad at a wall and destroys it, along with those who worked on it. 13:14-15

  19. "Woe to the woman that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your pillows." (God likes neither woman nor pillows.) 13:18-21

  20. Nebuchadrezzar, "king of kings" -- so that's who that movie is about! 26:7

  21. "And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire in Egypt." (The Divine Pyromaniac) 30:8, 30:14, 30:16

  22. Ezekiel brings dry bones to life to make "an exceeding great army." 37:7-10

  23. "Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, O my people, I will open your graves, and cause you to come up out of your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel." 37:12

  24. God shows Ezekiel how to join two sticks together. 37:15-17

  25. God will get so darned angry that his fury will come up in his face so that even the fish, birds, beasts, and bugs will shake when they see him. God will throw a tantrum, toppling every wall and mountain. 38:18-20

  26. Priests must wear linen when they are in the sanctuary. No wool is permitted. And whatever they wear, it must not cause them to sweat. God hates sweat! 44:17-18