Sex in the Bible

Genesis

"And Adam knew his wife; and she conceived." This is the first sexual intercourse mentioned in the Bible. 4:1
"And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? The Bible doesn't mention any of Cain's sisters. Well, maybe he married his mom. In any case, Cain and the mysterious Mrs. Cain have a son (another blue cigar!). His name is Enoch and he builds a city (population 3). 4:17
"And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son." Way to go Adam! 4:25
"The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men" producing "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2, 4
The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." This is a typical case of biblical justice, and is one of many Bible passages that have been used to justify slavery. 9:20-25
"And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him."
What did Ham do? Did he just look at his naked father or was there something more to it than that? Some commentators have suggested that Ham committed homosexual rape on his drunken father, and that this was why Ham's descendants were eternally punished with slavery. 9:24
Poor Pharaoh couldn't resist the "very fair" Sarai, and he takes her into his harem. 12:15
Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for children. (In the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She sends Abram into her handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by her." Abram gladly complies. 16:1-4
God establishes his covenant with Abram: "This is my covenant ... every man child among you shall be circumcised. And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin." It seems that penises are supremely important to god. 17:10-11
Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14
The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5
Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in 2 Pet.2:7-8. 19:8
God kills everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah. This was because, so say the Christian Right, some homosexuals lived there (See 19:4-5). 19:24-25
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38
"The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2
Abraham makes his servant put his hand under his thigh while swearing to God. Weird. Of course "putting his hand under his thigh" is just a polite euphemism for "holding his testicles in his hand." Come to think of it, maybe it isn't so weird at all -- coming as it does from a god that is completely obsessed with male genitalia. (See Exodus 4:25, Leviticus 15:16-18, 32, and Deuteronomy 23:1) for just a few examples.) I guess it's sort of like swearing on the bible. 24:2-9
"And the damsel was fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her." (Oh boy!) 24:16
Unfortunately the king "looked out a window, and saw, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife." But Isaac grew rich from the lie anyway, just as his father had. 26:8
Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30
Jacob finally gets to "go in unto" Rachel. He loved Rachel more than Leah. 29:30
"Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she cannot produce children for her husband. But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way as did Sarah (16:2). "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements rarely produce daughters.) 30:1-4
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9
Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob came home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive. 34:1-31
"Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine." 35:22, 49:4
Judah has casual sex with a Canaanite woman which results in two sons, Er and Onan. 38:2-4
After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto thy brother's wife." But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10
Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18, 27-28)
After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24
Joseph is seduced by Potiphar's wife. He rejects her advances, but she claims he "came in unto" her. 39:7-18
Joseph swears by putting his hand under Jacob's thigh -- a euphemism for holding his testicles in his hand. 47:29
Jacob says that Reuben will "not excel" because he "went up to [his] father's couch [had sex with his father's wife]." (see 35:22) 49:4

Exodus
God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins. 4:24
Moses, like a coach giving instructions to the team before the big game, tells the men to "come not at your wives" before he goes up to Mt. Sinai. 19:15
God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a problem.) 20:26
"Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just send them to counseling or something? 22:19
Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. 32:1-35
Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf. 32:25
"Their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods." God always blames the women; it is they who "go a whoring" and then "make" the men "go a whoring." 34:16

Leviticus
"Or if he touch the uncleanness of man ... he shall be guilty."
If you touch "the uncleanness of man" (?!) you'll be guilty. 5:3
Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean...." 15:1-15
"Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean." 15:4
"And whosoever toucheth his bed shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:5
"And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:6
"And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:7
"And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:8
"And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean." 15:9
"And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even." 15:10
"And whomsoever he toucheth ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:11
"And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth ... shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water." 15:12
"He that hath an issue ... shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing ... and shall be clean." 15:13
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16
"And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17
"The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:18
"This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean." 15:32-33
Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
Notice that in this long list of relatives that you may not have sex with, there is one relative that is not mentioned -- your daughter. Nowhere in this list, or anywhere else in the bible, is sex between a man and his daughter (or, more generally, between parent and child) forbidden. 18:6-18, 20
"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19
Don't "lie with any beast." You probably weren't planning on doing this, but now you know just in case you get the urge sometime. 18:23
Don't "go a whoring" after Molech or "commit adultery with him." (Don't you love it when God talks dirty?) 20:5
Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring" after them either. 20:6
If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11
If a man has sex with his daughter in law, kill them both. 20:12
If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13
If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14
If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor animal are to be killed. 20:15-16
Don't have sex with your sister, uncle's wife, or your brother's wife -- and tell them to wear clothes whenever you're around. 20:17, 19-21
If a man has sex with a menstruating woman, they both "shall be cut off from among their people." 20:18
"Neither shall he [the priest] profane his seed among his people." (His seed is holy.) 21:15
A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20
A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5

Numbers
After the people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab," Moses has them all killed. Then God tells Moses to hang their dead bodies up in front of him; God says that this will satisfy him. 25:1-5
Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54

Deuteronomy
If you see a pretty woman among the captives and would like her for a wife, then just bring her home and "go in unto her." Later, if you decide you don't like her, you can "let her go." 21:11-14
If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. If her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's doorstep. 22:13-21
"If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die." 22:22
If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough, then "the men of the city shall stone her to death." 22:23-24
If a woman is raped in the country, then only the man shall die (since there was no one to hear her if she cried out.) 22:25
If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels of silver and then marry her. 22:28
"A man shall not take his father's wife, nor discover his father's skirt." 22:30
You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1
God lays down the law regarding wet dreams. "If there be among you any man that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by night ..." 23:10
If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife -- whether she likes him or not, and whether she wants to or not. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12
"Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." (Why?) 27:20
"Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:21
"Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen." 27:22
"Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:23
"Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her." 28:30

Joshua
Joshua's spies visit and "came unto" a prostitute in Jericho. They weren't very discreet about it either, since the King of Jericho soon found out about it. The king's officials ask Rahab to "bring forth the men that are come to thee." 2:1-4

Judges
A man of God came unto me [Samson's mom]."
She didn't ask him any questions and he didn't tell her his name. 13:6
"The angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her."
Husbands are never around when angels come unto women and make them pregnant. 13:9
"Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father ... Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well." 14:1-3
After ripping up the lion, Samson went to visit the Philistine woman that he fell in lust with earlier. "And she pleased Samson well." 14:7
"If ye had not plowed with my heifer"
Samson called his wife a heifer and accuses the Philistines of having sex with her. 14:18
Samson wants to have sex with his wife in the bedroom, but his father-in-law won't let him. 15:1
"Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her." 16:1
"Afterward ... he loved a woman ... whose name was Delilah." 16:4
After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

Ruth
Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) advises Ruth as to how to best seduce Boaz. She tells her to wait until he is a bit drunk and has fallen asleep. Then "go in and uncover his feet [a biblical euphemism for male genitals], and lay thee down; and he will tell thee what to do." 3:3-4
Ruth does as Naomi says, and then at midnight Boaz wakes up and finds Ruth "at his feet." He asks who she is, and she says, "I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore your skirt over thine handmaid." 3:7-9
Boaz seems agreeable to the suggestion and says, "I will do thee all that thou requirest." Next he asks her to "Tarry this night ... lie down until the morning." so Ruth "lay at his feet until morning." 3:11-14
Boaz "went in unto" Ruth and "the Lord gave her conception, and she bare a son." 4:13

1 Samuel
"And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20
"And the Lord visited Hannah [again], so that she conceived." Did he get her pregnant in the usual way? 2:21
The sons of Eli had sex with women "at the door of the tabernacle." 2:22
David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
The priest tells David that he and his men can eat the "hallowed" bread if "they have kept themselves at least from women." David assures the priest that they have and that "the vessels of the young men are holy." So it'd be OK for them to eat the holy bread. 21:4-5

2 Samuel
David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Samuel 18:27). 3:14
King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. When Michal criticizes him for exposing himself, God punishes her by having "no child unto the day of her death." Although 21:8 says that she had five sons (which were sacrificed to God by David to stop God from starving people to death). 6:14-23
David sees a woman (Bathsheba) bathing and likes what he sees. so he sends for her and commits adultery with her "for she was purified from her uncleanness." She conceives and bears a son (of course). 11:2-5
God gave the wives of King Saul to David. 12:7-8
God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will have David's wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches. It turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12
After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24
Ammon (David's son) says to his half-sister Tamar, "Come lie with me, my sister." But she resists, so he rapes her and then sends her away. Tamar, knowing that she now belongs to him (since she was a virgin), expects him to marry her, but he refuses. 13:1-22
Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." This was according the God's plan as announced in 12:11-12. 16:21-22
To punish his ten concubines for being raped by his son, Absalom (See 16:21-22), David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to "keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3

1 Kings
Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin minister unto him. 1:1-4
Rehoboam's young men told him say the following words to the people: "My little finger will be thicker than my father's penis." 12:10
Adonijah (Solomon's half-brother) sends Bathsheba (Solomon's mother) to ask King Solomon to let Adonijah have sex with his David's concubine Abishag. But Solomon had him murdered instead. 2:13-25
"King Solomon loved many strange women."
God didn't mind the number so much; it was their "strangeness" that he objected to. 11:1
"He [Solomon] had seven hundred wives ... and three hundred concubines." 11:3

1 Chronicles
"Keturah, Abraham's concubine" 1:23
"And Tamar his daughter in law bore him Pharez...." See Genesis 38 for all the sordid details. 2:4

2 Chronicles
Jeroham "caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication." 21:11

Esther
King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. 1:7-11
"All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-4
When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases the king the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's place. 2:8-9, 12-17
Since women are inherently dirty, the woman that "pleased the king" the most must be "purified" for twelve months before she can be made queen. 2:9-12

Psalms
"At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." 16:11
The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
"I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me."
Women, sex, and babies are all evil to God. 51:5

Proverbs
"Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times." 5:18
"Come let us take our fill of love until the morning." 7:18
One of the four "wonderful" things is "the way of a man with a maid." 30:18-19

Song of Solomon
"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine." A fitting beginning for a pornographic poem. 1:2
"The virgins love thee." 1:3
"We will run after thee ... we will remember thy love more than wine." 1:4
"He shall lie all night betwixt my breasts." 1:13
"I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste." 2:3
"His left hand is under my head and his right hand doth embrace me ... stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please." 2:6-7
"My beloved is like a roe or a young hart: behold, he standeth behind our wall, he looketh forth at the windows, shewing himself through the lattice." 2:9
"In the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance ... for ... thy countenance is comely." 2:14
"My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies." 2:16
"Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be thou like a roe or a young hart upon the mountains. 2:17
"By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth." 3:1
"I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me." 3:4
"Stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please." 3:5
"Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins." 4:5
"How much better is thy love than wine!" 4:10
"Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon." 4:11
A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed." 4:12
"Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits." 4:13
"A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon." 4:15
"Come ... blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits."
Oh, so that's where "blow job" comes from! 4:16
"I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey." 5:1
"Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled." 5:2
"My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." 5:4
"I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock." 5:5
"I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself." 5:6
"His countenance is as Lebanon, excellent as the cedars." 5:15
"His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend." 5:16
"The joints of thy thighs are like jewels." 7:1
"Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies." 7:2
"Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins." 7:3
"How pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!" 7:6
"Thy breasts to clusters of grapes." 7:7
"Thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine." 7:8
"Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field ... Let us get up early to the vineyards ... there will I give thee my loves." 7:12
"I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 8:2
"His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. 8:3-4
"Stir not up, nor awake my love, until he please." 8:4
"We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8-10

Isaiah
Because the women are haughty and walk with their necks stretched out, mincing as they go, and making a tingling with their feet, God will smite them with a scab on the crown of their heads. And God will discover their secret parts. 3:16-17
Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3
God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5
Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18
"Thy nakedness shall be uncovered." 47:3
You have sex with other gods on every mountain top and under every tree! 57:5-8
You put on ointment and had sex with the king. 57:9

Jeremiah
Jeremiah insults people by calling them "harlots" who have sex on every hill and under every tree. 2:20
God compares Jerusalem's sinful ways to a promiscuous woman, or a wild donkey in heat. 2:24
"I have loved strangers, and after them will I go." 2:25
"Thou hast played the harlot with many lovers." 3:1
"See where thou hast not been lien with. In the ways hast thou sat for them ... and thou hast polluted the land with thy whoredoms." 3:2
"She is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played the harlot." 3:6
Judah commits adultery with "stocks and stones." 3:9
"Thou ... hast scattered thy ways to the strangers under every green tree." 3:13
"How shall I pardon thee for this? thy children have ... committed adultery, and assembled themselves by troops in the harlots' houses." 5:7
"As fed horses in the morning: everyone neighed after his neighbor's wife." 5:8
"For the greatness of thine iniquity are thy skirts discovered, and thy heels made bare." 13:22
God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it! 13:26-27
"The virgin of Israel hath done a very horrible thing." (She had sex with another god.) 18:13
Someday God will populate Israel and Judah with the seed of men and beasts. 35:1-7

Lamentations
Jerusalem is compared to a naked woman who sighs and turns backward. "Her filthiness is in her skirts." 1:8-9
"The adversary puts his hand upon "all her pleasant things." 1:10
When God gets angry at you he calls you a drunken whore. 4:21

Ezekiel
God dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments her on her nice hair and breasts. 16:6-7, 22
Seeing that it is the time for love, God spreads his skirt over Jerusalem to cover her nakedness. 16:8
Jerusalem was a harlot who had sex with everyone that passed by. If no one was available, she "committed whoredom" with "images of men." 16:15-17
"Thou ... hast opened thy feet to every one that passed by." 16:25
"Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy neighbours, great of flesh." (Jerusalem had sex with Egyptians with big penises.) 16:26
Jerusalem still wasn't satisfied after having sex with the the well-endowed Egyptians (v.26), so she had sex with Assyrians, Canaanites, Chaldeans, and complete strangers, but still was not satisfied. So she hired men to "come in unto [her] on every side." 16:28-29
God calls Jerusalem "an imperious whorish woman." 16:30
God says that Jerusalem has sex with strangers, hiring them to "come in unto thee on every side." 16:32-33
Because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her nakedness before all of her lovers. 16:35-37
After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more. Then he'll have her stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords." 16:38-41
Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49
"Their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity." 23:3
"Thus she committed her whoredoms with them ... with all their idols she defiled herself." 23:7
"They bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her." 23:8
"These discovered her nakedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword." 23:10
"Her sister ... was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms." 23:11
"And the Babylonians came to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom, and she was polluted with them." 23:17
"So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness ... she multiplied her whoredoms." 23:18-19
Really Big Penises. One of the sister (Aholibah) had lovers "whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." 23:20
"The lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth." 23:21
"They shall also strip thee out of thy clothes, and take away thy fair jewels." 23:26
"Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD." 23:34
"They went in unto her, as they go in unto a woman that playeth the harlot." 23:44
"And the righteous men, they shall judge them after the manner of adulteresses, and after the manner of women that shed blood; because they are adulteresses, and blood is in their hands." 23:45

Hosea
God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3
God says he "will discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers." 2:10
God tells Hosea to love an adulteress. (I thought he already did that in chapter 1.) In any case, Hosea buys (another?) one for a homer and a half of barley. 3:1-2
Even more whoredom! "They have committed whoredom continually." 4:14-18
Israel has "gone a whoring" and has "loved a reward upon every cornfloor." 9:1

Amos
"A man and his father will go in unto the same maid, to profane my holy name." 2:7

Nahum
God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4-6

Habakkuk
"Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered." 2:16

Matthew
Jesus recommends that to avoid sin we cut off our hands and pluck out our eyes. This advice is given immediately after he says that anyone who looks with lust at any women commits adultery. 5:29-30
"There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." Dangerous words from a guy who recommends cutting of body parts if they cause you to sin (Mt 5:29-30, 18:8-9; Mk 9:43-48). It might make someone castrate himself so that he could be one of the 144,000 male virgins, who alone will make it to heaven (Rev 14:3-4). 19:12
There are no marriages in heaven. (Married people either don't go to heaven or they get divorced after arriving there. Marriages aren't made in heaven; they die there.) 22:23-30
The kingdom of heaven like ten virgins who went to meet their bridegroom. Five had oil for their lamps and five didn't. When the bridegroom was ready for them, only the five well-oiled virgins got to have sex with him on their wedding night. The bridegroom shunned the other five, saying "Get lost. I don't even know you." The moral to the story is this: watch out, you never know when (or with whom) Jesus will come.25:1-13

Mark
There is no sex or marriage in heaven. 12:18-25
One of the followers of Jesus was a young, nearly naked man who dropped his linen cloth and "fled from them naked" when the priests came to arrest Jesus. 14:51-52

Luke
Zacharias and Elizabeth were both getting old, too old to have kids. But Zach prayed, so an angel appeared to tell him that God would take care of things for him. God would somehow get Liz pregnant and she'd have a son named John, who would be filled with the Holy Ghost from the moment God, the angel, the Holy Ghost, or Zach (or maybe all of them working together) got his mom pregnant. 1:7-15
Gabriel tells Mary that the Holy Ghost will come upon her and she'll be covered by the power of God, so "the holy thing" that she delivers will be the Son of God. 1:35
"Which was the son of Phares, which was the son of Juda."
Judah "went in unto" his daughter-in-law, Tamar, who was disguised as a prostitute. She conceived and bore Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus. (Gen 38:27-29) It's a good thing it was more than ten generations ago. Otherwise Jesus could not "enter into the congregation of the Lord." (Dt.23:2) 3:33

Romans
Paul explains that "the natural use" of women is to act as sexual objects for the pleasure of men. 1:27
Paul, judging from rumors alone, complains that there are fornicators among his followers in Corinth; he is even worried that some have had sex with their fathers' wives. He says that those who have done these things should be "delivered to Satan for the destruction of the flesh" so that their soul can be saved. 5:1-5
Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and make them members of an harlot?" He further asks, "Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body?" 6:15-16
Husbands and wives should have sex whenever and however their spouse wants. 7:3
Paul wishes that men and woman abstain from sex, but tells them to "come together" to avoid being tempted by Satan. 7:5
Paul, like Jesus and the other New Testament writers, expects the end to come soon. "The time is short." So there's no time for sex or marriage, since the world will be ending soon. 7:29

Galatians
"I would they were even cut off which trouble you." Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul meant by "cut off". The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!" 5:12

1 Thessalonians
Every man should know how to possess his penis or his wife (depending on the translation) in a holy way. 4:4

Jude
The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 6

Revelation
Jezebel (whom God had thrown off a wall, trampled by horses, and eaten by dogs (2 Kg 9:33-37) is further reviled by John, saying "that woman Jezebel" taught and seduced God's "servants to commit fornication." 2:20
Jesus will "cast her [Jezebel] into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her." 2:22
Drinking the wine of fornication. 14:8
The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5
"All nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her." 18:3
God will send plagues, death, and famine on Babylon, and the kings "who have committed fornication with her" will be sad to see her burn. 18:8-9
The "great whore" corrupted the earth with her fornication. 19:2