Take ye the sum of all the congregation of the children of Israel. 1:1-45

God told Moses to take a census of all the people who were at least twenty years old and able to go to war. The total was 603,550. So there must have been several million Israelites who left Egypt, if women and children are included. An yet no evidence for such a vast number of people wandering around the desert for forty years has ever been found.

All the firstborn are mine ... both man and beast. 3:13

All firstborn men and beasts belong to God, since God killed all the firstborn of Egypt.

If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him ... And the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... This is the law of jealousies. 5:11-31

The law of Jealousies: If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity."

And the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be not defiled. 5:14

If a husband is jealous, his wife must submit to the law of jealousies whether she was "defiled" or not.

"And the priest shall ... say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee ... be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:19

"Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:20-21

"But if ... some man have lain with thee beside thine husband ... The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:22

"And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:24

"And when he hath made her to drink the water ... if she be defiled ... the water that causeth the curse shall ... become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people." 5:27

"And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed." 5:28

"When either man or woman shall separate themselves to vow a vow of a Nazarite...." 6:1-8

If you want to become a Nazarite, here's what you must do - or rather not do: Don't drink alcohol (or vinegar), eat grapes, cut your hair, come near any dead bodies, or make yourself unclean for dead relatives.

If, after becoming a Nazarite, you defile yourself somehow (like if someone dies right next to you), here's what you must do to become a Nazarite again: Shave your head and sacrfice a couple of pigeons, two unblemished lambs and an unblemished ram, a basket of unleavened bread, cakes and wafers mixed with oil, and some meat and drink offerings. After you're done with all that, burn the hair that you cut off when you became a Nazarite (you kept it didn't you?) in the same fire in which you burned the above-mentioned sacrifices. Finally have a priest take the sodden shoulder of the ram, along with one of the cakes and wafers, put them on your hands, and then wave whole mess before the Lord. After that you can drink wine and be a Nazarite once again (and then stop drinking wine again). 6:9-27

"Take the Levites ... and let them shave all their flesh ... and so make themselves clean." 8:6-7

To get really clean, you've got to shave off your pubic hair.

"All the firstborn of the children of Israel are mine, both man and beast." 8:17

All firstborn Israelites, "both man and beast", belong to God. He got them the day that he killed every Egyptian firstborn child and animal.

Mandatory retirement for Levites

"From the age of fifty years they shall cease waiting upon the service thereof, and shall serve no more." 8:25

"If any man of you or of your posterity shall be unclean by reason of a dead body...." 9:11-12

If on the Passover, you are unclean because you've touched a dead body, then you can't observe the Passover with everyone else. You must wait one month and celebrate it then.

"The cloud covered it by day, and the appearance of fire by night." 9:15-16

When the tabernacle was set up, it was covered by a cloud during the day and by fire all night.

God led the Israelites from one camp to the other with a cloud. When the cloud stopped and rested someplace, the Israelites pitched their tents. When the cloud started moving again, the Israelites followed it. 9:16-23

"And if ye go to war ... ye shall blow an alarm with the trumpets ... and ye shall be saved from your enemies." 10:9

God continues (mis)leading the Israelites through the wilderness with a cloud. 10:11-12

"And the cloud of the LORD was upon them by day." 10:34

"And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it (He had his hearing aid on.) .... and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them." 11:1-2

God burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them!

"There is nothing at all, beside this manna." 11:4, 19-20

The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says he'll give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of [their] nostrils, and it be loathsome to [them]." Yuck.

"As a nursing father beareth the suckling child...." 11:12

"And the LORD said unto Moses, Is the LORD's hand waxed short?" 11:23

When Moses doubts that God can feed his 600,000 soldiers and their families, God says to him, "Has my hand gotten shorter lately?"

"The LORD came down in a cloud." 11:25

God came down in a cloud and gave his spirit to Moses and the seventy elders, who began to prophesy nonstop.

God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." 11:31'p>

Taking the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x10¹²) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people.

"Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." 12:3

This is a strange thing to say about one of the cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he probably didn't). Moses, as he is described in the Bible, is anything but meek (See 31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness").

"If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto him in a dream." 12:6

Now there's a reliable way to communicate with someone!

"And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days?" 12:14

"Search the land of Canaan, which I give unto the children of Israel." 13:1-28

God tells Moses to send 12 men, one from each tribe of Israel, to "spy out the land of Canaan." When the spies return, they give Moses two reports. Caleb and Joshua (Oshea the son of Nun) say it'd be easy to take over the land. The other ten say it would be hard, since the people that live there are giants. (The scouts were like grasshoppers in comparison.)

"They ... cut down ... a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff." 13:23

A single cluster of grapes was so heavy that it took two men to carry it. I guess that's what you'd expect, though, since they were in the land of giants. (See verses 32-33.)

"And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." 13:33

This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in Genesis 6:4 Of course, these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive?

"Moses and Aaron fell on their faces." 14:5

"Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes." 14:6

"All the congregation bade stone them with stones." 14:10a

The people have had enough of wandering around in the desert and they don't much want to fight giants (see 13:33), so they decide to stone Joshua and his merry men (with stones).

"The glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel." 14:10b

But before the people get started with the stoning, God shows up in all his glory.

"I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." 14:12

God tells Moses that he is going to kill all of the Israelites -- every last whining one of the them, and then make a whole bunch of brand new Israelites.

"Moses said unto the LORD, Then the Egyptians shall hear it." 14:13-19

Moses tries to talk God out of killing everyone by telling him that the Egyptians will hear about it and will say that he wasn't able to lead the Israelites to Israel, so he killed them all instead.

"Thy cloud standeth over them, and that thou goest before them, by day time in a pillar of a cloud, and in a pillar of fire by night." 14:14

"Make an offering by fire unto the LORD, a burnt offering, or a sacrifice in performing a vow, or in a freewill offering ... to make a sweet savour unto the LORD." 15:3, 13-14, 24

God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." (This phrase is used six times in this chapter.)

"If any soul sin through ignorance ..." 15:27-30

But how can someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an action is wrong for it to be sinful? Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by God if you kill some animals.

"And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the children of Israel, and bid them that they make them fringes in the borders of their garments." 15:38-39

Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker, God gets down to some more important business -- like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments.

"And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face." 16:4

"The glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation." 16:19

"And they fell upon their faces." 16:22

After burning the the 250 men whho offered incense, God tells Moses to keep their censers (because they are holy) to remind everyone not to offer incense without a license. 16:36-40

"Behold ... the glory of the Lord appeared." 16:42

"Take a censer ... and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them." 16:45

Moses tells Aaron to burn some incense to make God quit killing people. (God just killed 250 for burning incense.)

"And they fell upon their faces." 16:45

"Behold, the rod of Aaron ... budded, and brought forth buds, and bloomed blossoms, and yielded almonds. 17:8

Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud, bloom, and yield almonds.

"Shall we be consumed with dying?" 17:12-13

God threatens to kill those who murmur. To which the people reply, "Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish .... Shall we be consumed with dying?"

"They shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die." 18:3

Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close.

"The firstborn of man shalt thou surely redeem, and the firstling of unclean beasts shalt thou redeem." 18:15

You must redeem your firstborn children and unclean animals.

"Those that are to be redeemed from a month old shalt thou redeem, according to thine estimation, for the money of five shekels." Numbers 18:16

Firstborn boys must be redeemed when they are a month old by paying a priest five shekels.

"Thou shalt sprinkle their blood upon the altar, and shalt burn their fat for an offering made by fire, for a sweet savour unto the LORD ... by a statute for ever: it is a covenant of salt for ever before the LORD." 18:17-19

God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-believers perform these sacrifices anymore? Don't they realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't they believe God when he says "forever"?

"Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die." 18:22

"Neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die." 18:32

"A red heifer without spot" 19:2

"Take of her blood with his finger, and sprinkle ... seven times." 19:4-5

God's instructions for putting blood on fingers, sprinkling it around, and then burning the dung of sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about. (That's why it's in the Bible!).

"Then the priest shall wash his clothes, and he shall bathe ... and shall be unclean until the even." 19:7-8

The guy who burns the dung also has to take a bath, which sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

"And a man that is clean shall gather up the ashes of the heifer ... and it shall be kept ... for a water of separation: it is a purification for sin."

After you kill and burn the dung of the red heifer have a clean guy gather the ashes and keep them for "a water of separation: it is a purification for sin." 19:9

"He that gathereth the ashes of the heifer shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even; and it shall be ... a statute forever." 19:10

He that toucheth the dead body of any man shall be unclean seven days." 19:11

Bad news for understakers.

He shall purify himself with it on the third day, and on the seventh day he shall be clean: but if he purify not himself the third day, then the seventh day he shall not be clean." 19:12

Use the "water of separation" made from the ashes of the dung of the red heifer. See 19:9.

"Whosoever toucheth the dead body of any man that is dead, and purifieth not himself ... shall be cut off from Israel: because the water of separation was not sprinkled upon him, he shall be unclean; his uncleanness is yet upon him." 19:13

"When a man dieth in a tent: all that come into the tent, and all that is in the tent, shall be unclean seven days." 19:14

"And every open vessel, which hath no covering bound upon it, is unclean." 19:15

Don't you just hate it when people leave the lid off containers?

"And whosoever toucheth one that is slain with a sword ... or a dead body, or a bone of a man, or a grave, shall be unclean seven days." 19:16

"And for an unclean person they shall take of the ashes of the burnt heifer ... And a clean person shall take hyssop, and dip it in the water, and sprinkle it ... upon him that touched a bone, or one slain, or one dead, or a grave. And the clean person shall sprinkle upon the unclean on the third day, and on the seventh day: and on the seventh day he shall purify himself, and wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and shall be clean at even." 19:17-19

Well that sounds simple enough!

"But the man that shall be unclean ... shall be cut off ... the water of separation hath not been sprinkled upon him; he is unclean." 19:20

"It shall be a perpetual statute ... that he that sprinkleth the water of separation shall wash his clothes; and he that toucheth the water of separation shall be unclean until even." 19:21

"And whatsoever the unclean person toucheth shall be unclean; and the soul that toucheth it shall be unclean until even." 19:22

"Would God that we had died when our brethren died before the LORD!" 20:3

The people complain again about the lack of food and water. (They must have forgotten about the last frew times they complained.)

"And they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them." 20:6

"The LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... speak ye unto the rock before their eyes; and it shall give forth his water, and thou shalt bring forth to them water out of the rock." 20:8

God tells Moses to talk some water out of a rock.

"Moses lifted up his hand, and with his rod he smote the rock twice: and the water came out." 20:11

Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out.

"Because ye believed me not, to sanctify me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore ye shall not bring this congregation into the land which I have given them." 20:12

For hitting the rock instead of talking to it, God punished Moses by not permitting him to see the promised land.

"Moses stripped Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son; and Aaron died there." 20:28

Aaron dies naked! Moses stripped off Aaron's clothes and put them on Eleazar. Then Aaron died.

"Israel vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities. And the Lord hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities." 21:2-3

This verse demonstrates the power of prayer: If you ask God, he will destroy entire cities for you.

"The people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread." 21:5

The people complain (again!) about the lack of food and water.

"The LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." 21:6

God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die.

"Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived." 21:9

To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were previously bit by God's snakes.

"The Book of the wars of the Lord." 21:14

(One of the lost books of the Bible)

God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with thee?" 22:9

(You'd think God would know that already.)

God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as God had commanded. "And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions! 22:20-22

"And the ass saw the angel of the LORD." 22:23

(But Balaam didn't.)

"The LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam ... And Balaam said unto the ass ... And the ass said unto Balaam.... 22:28-30

Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass.

"Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he ... fell flat on his face." 22:31

"The LORD met Balaam, and put a word in his mouth" 23:15-16

"God ... hath ... the strength of an unicorn." 23:22

Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn.

Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." 24:7

But Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live until the time of King Saul. (See 1 Samuel 15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.)

God ... hath ... the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows." 24:8

The Israelite population went from seventy (Exodus 1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. 1:45-46, 26:51

God tells Moses to climb Mount Abarim, where he will see the promised land. After seeing it, Moses will die -- since he struck the rock to get water out of it (instead of just talking to it). See Num 20:6-12 27:12-14

"The LORD, the God of the spirits of all flesh" 16:22, 27:16
Is this another one of God's many names?

God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21

In these chapters (28, 29), God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." 28-29

"The LORD's anger was kindled ... and he sware."
Even God gets angry and swears sometimes. 32:10

It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 14:33, 32:13

"He made them wander in the wilderness forty years."
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 32:13

If a person accidentally kills someone, then she should go to a city of refuge. If she can get to the city of refuge before the "revenger of blood" (the victim's closest relative) can catch her, then she is safe, at least until the high priest dies (I don't know what he has to do with it). But if she is caught outside the city of refuge, then the revenger of blood can kill her. 35:11-12

"But if the slayer shall at any time come without the border of the city of his refuge ... and the revenger of blood kill the slayer; he shall not be guilty of blood. Because he should have remained in the city of his refuge until the death of the high priest" If the accidental killer leaves the city of refuge and is caught by the revenger of blood, then the revenger can legally kill the accidental killer. 35:26-28