God's Killings in the New Testament

Christians tend to ignore the Old Testament, and it's not hard to see why. But the New Testament God is still a killer; he's just saving most of his killings for later -- for the end of the world. And when the new God kills, he doesn't just kill his victims; he tortures them forever after they die.

Still, there are three New Testament killings: Ananias and his wife Sapphira, for not giving all their money to the church; Herod Aggripa, for not giving all the glory to God; and Jesus, because God needed someone to kill as a sacrifice to himself.


Ananias and Sapphira
Herod Aggripa
Jesus

Ananias and Sapphira

Ananias and his wife, Sapphira, sold some land, gave some of the money to the apostles and kept the rest.

Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. Acts 5:1-2

The bible doesn't say how much the land sold for or what percentage they kept or gave away.

But whatever the selling price may have been, the percentage of the donation wasn't enough to satisfy Peter. Or God.

But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? ... Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. 5:3-4

I don't know how Peter would know that Satan was involved in any of this. God must have told him. But what about this "lie to the Holy Ghost" thing? So far, at least as far as the text goes, Ananias hasn't said a thing. Don't your lips have to move when you lie?

Maybe not. Maybe you lie to the Holy Ghost every time you don't give all of your money to the church. (Which church? The Holy Ghost's church, of course!)

In any case, Ananias fell over dead before getting to say a single word in his own defense.

And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost. Acts 5:5

A few hours later, they bring in Sapphira, who didn't yet know what had happened to her husband.

And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. Acts 5:7

Peter asked her if the land sold for a certain price, and she said, yes, that was what the land sold for.

And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. Acts 5:8

Then Peter asked her why she and her husband had tempted the Spirit of the Lord. And then, before she could answer, Peter told her that the guys who had just buried her husband were going to do the same to her.

Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Acts 5:9Acts 5:9

After hearing Peter's words, she fell down dead. And the "young men" came in to bury her.

Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband. Acts 5:10

And it scared the shit (and the shekels) out of everyone in the church.

And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things. Acts 5:11

Herod was eaten by worms for not giving the God the glory

One day, King Herod (Aggripa) gave a speech to the people.

Upon a set day Herod, arrayed in royal apparel, sat upon his throne, and made an oration unto them. Acts 12:21

The Bible doesn't tell us what he said, but it must have been one hell of a good speech, since when the people heard it they all shouted at once and in unison, "this is the voice of a god, not a man."

The people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man. 12:22

But God didn't like the speech. And he was especially angry at Herod for not giving the glory to him. God wants all of the glory and it pisses him off when someone else gets some. So he sent an angel down to kill him.

Immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory. 12:23a

And then God fed King Herod to the worms.

And he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost. 12:23b

(I give God all the glory for this killing.)


Jesus

You've heard this one before: God killed his son in order to stop himself from torturing people forever after they die for something that someone else supposedly did thousands of years before they were born.

The story is known too well already. So I'm not going to waste any time on it here. There are only two things that you need to know.

1. God killed his own son.

He ... spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all. Romans 8:32

2. He had the whole thing planned from the very beginning.

Ye were not redeemed with corruptible things ... But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot: Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world. 1 Peter 1:18-20

It's hard to imagine something worse than a father planning to kill his own son. Except maybe a father killing his son in order to keep himself from torturing billions of others forever.

"He that spared not his own son" shouldn't be trusted by anyone.