1 Samuel
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31

Absurdities
Cruelty and Violence
Injustice
Contradictions
Intolerance
Family Values
Women
Sex
Homosexuality
Interpretation
Language
Science and History
Good Stuff
SAB: 1 Samuel

Source Index
Brick Testament
-Illustrations
-And Adam Knew Eve

Encyclopedia Articles
-Wikipedia
-Columbia Encyclopedia
-Catholic Encyclopedia

Other Versions
-Nevi'im
-NWT
-JST
-NIV
-Douay-Rheims
-NAB

Get the SAB
on CD

Absurdity in 1 Samuel

  1. "And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20

  2. A disembodied voice calls to the child Samuel three times. The first two times, Samuel thought it was Eli that called him. But Eli figured it that the voice must be God's. So the third time that God called, he was able to deliver his message to Samuel. 3:4-10

  3. God will do something that will cause everyone's ears to tingle. 3:11

  4. Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13) and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants is fine with me." 3:18

  5. The Philistines set the ark of God next to the god Dagon, and the next morning Dagon had mysteriously (miraculously?) fallen on his face. The same thing happened the next night, only this time his head and hands were cut off, too! After that, no one ever entered the house of Dagon again. 5:2-5

  6. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12

  7. To see if it was God who killed the Philistine people, the ark of the Lord and the five golden hemorrhoids were put into a cart pulled by two cows. Then the cows were let go. If the cows went directly to Bethshemesh, then God killed the people. And that is the way the cows went. So by this superstitious method we know that it was God who killed the Philistines by giving them hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 6:7-12

  8. After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17

  9. Saul was more handsome than anyone in Israel and stood head and shoulders above everyone else. 9:2

  10. When the people couldn't find Saul (who was selected to be king by drawing lots), they "enquired of the Lord ... and the Lord answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff." 10:22

  11. "But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him, and brought no presents." 10:27

  12. "I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2

  13. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7

  14. "Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11

  15. "So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain." 12:18

  16. Samuel tells Saul that he's just not good enough for God. So God has chosen someone else to replace him as king. Who is this guy, this "man after his own heart" that God has chosen? David! 13:14

  17. After Jonathan's first slaughter (20 men in one half acre), God showed his approval with "a very great trembling." 14:15

  18. Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all of his enemies, saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But his son Jonathan didn't hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit of honey. So he Saul says his son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43

  19. "An evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23

  20. Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4

  21. David caught a lion (and a bear?) "by his beard" and then killed him. 17:34-35

  22. "The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied." 18:10

  23. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

  24. "And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David."
    (How else could David get so many foreskins?) 18:28

  25. And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't keep away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9

  26. Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he stripped off his clothes ... and lay down naked all that day and night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?" 19:24

  27. David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of Gath, and lets spit run down his beard. All this he did in front of Israel's enemies in the hopes that they would take him in and protect him from Saul. 21:12

  28. Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all of his enemies, saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But his son Jonathan didn't hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit of honey. So he Saul says his son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43

  29. David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34

  30. "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) Among those that David exterminated were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since Saul killed them all (1 Sam.15:7-8) just a little while before. 27:8-11

  31. "And when Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets." 28:6

  32. Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19

  33. The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly destroyed": first by Saul (1 Sam.15:7-8) and then by David (1 Sam.27:9-11). Yet here they are, just a few years later, fighting the Israelites again! 30:1

  34. David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. They are completely wiped out again. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the last two times that they were exterminated.) 30:17