0 John : Absurdity

John : Absurdity (54)

  1. John baptizes Jesus and declares him to be "the Son of God." But later, as he is about to be beheaded, John is no longer sure what to think about Jesus. So he sends his own disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?" (Mt 11:3) Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 1:29-35
  2. Jesus had remote viewing skills. 1:48-50
  3. Jesus falsely prophesied that Nathaniel would see heaven open and angels descend upon Jesus. Nathaniel never saw it; neither has anyone else. 1:51
  4. Jesus' first miracle was to turn water into wine. 2:9
  5. Jesus believed the stupid and vicious story from Numbers 21. (God sent snakes to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water. Then God told Moses to make a brass snake to cure them from the bites.) 3:14
  6. "God so loved the world, that he gave his His only begotten Son."
    As an example to parents everywhere and to save the world (from himself), God had his own son tortured and killed. 3:16
  7. "John answered and said, A man can receive nothing, except it be given him from heaven." 3:27
  8. Jesus magically perceived that a Samaritan woman had been married and divorced five times previously. (He could spot a divorced woman a mile away.) Since women weren't allowed to get a divorce, it was always the woman's fault and divorced women were considered outcasts. This was a great opportunity for Jesus to explain why the Mosaic marriage laws were unjust and correct them -- if he thought they were wrong, that is, which apparently he didn't. 4:7-18
  9. "Come, see a man, which told me all things that ever I did."
    Jesus didn't tell the Samaritan woman everything that had ever happened to her. He just used the same trick that successful palm readers, astrologers, and fortune tellers use to make gullible people say to themselves, "How could he have known that about me?" 4:29
  10. Jesus heals a nobleman's son. 4:46-51
  11. Whoever enters a pool after it is stirred up by angels will be cured of "whatsoever disease he had." 5:4
  12. Jesus cures a paralytic man. 5:5-9
  13. Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He tells a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14
  14. "Jesus answered them, My Father worketh [on the Sabbath], and I work."
    Jesus says he and his dad always work on the Sabbath. (So you can too!) 5:17
  15. "As the Father raiseth up the dead, and quickeneth them; even so the Son quickeneth whom he will."
    Jesus can make dead people live just like his dad does. 5:21
  16. Jesus says that "the hour is coming, and now is, when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live." 5:25, 28
  17. Jesus claims that Moses wrote about him. Where? It's a shame he didn't give us chapter and verse. 5:46
  18. Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over). 6:5-13
  19. "They see Jesus walking on the sea." 6:19
  20. If you come to Jesus, he won't cast you out. 6:36
  21. The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, did not believe in him. 6:42
  22. Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have eternal life. This idea was just too gross for "many of his disciples" and "walked no more with him." (They are called Protestants nowadays.) 6:53-66
  23. Jesus knew who could stomach the idea of eating his flesh and drinking his blood (the Catholics, who are going to heaven) and who couldn't (the Protestants, who are going to hell). It's all a part of God's plan and we have nothing to do with it. 6:64-66
  24. Jesus chose "a devil" for an apostle. Oh well, everyone makes mistakes. 6:70
  25. Even Jesus' family didn't believe in him. 7:5
  26. Jesus accuses people of trying to kill him. But they say to him, "Thou hast a devil: who goeth about to kill thee?" 7:19-20
  27. "We be not born of fornication" -- implying that Jesus was. 8:41
  28. After Jesus makes the foolish claim that those who believe in him will never die, his listeners reply, "now we know that thou hast a devil." 8:52
  29. Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt, and rubs the muddy spit on (or in?) a blind man's eyes. Then he told him to wash in the pool of Siloam. After that, the blind man could see again. The Bible doesn't say whether it was the holy spit, holy mud, or holy water that did the trick. 9:6-7
  30. "All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers."
    Everyone that ever lived before Jesus was a thief and a robber. 10:8
  31. "I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved."
    Enter through the Jesus door. 10:9
  32. Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and possessed by a devil. 10:20
  33. Lararus must suffer and die (or pretend to die) so that Jesus can "be glorified" by raising him from the dead. 11:4
  34. Jesus prays in public just to show off in front of others, "that they may believe." 11:41-42
  35. "Lazarus, come forth. And he that was dead came forth." 11:43
  36. You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go to hell after you die.) 12:25
  37. "While Jesus was praying, a loud noise came from the sky. Some said it was thunder, others said it was an angel yelling at Jesus." 12:28-29
  38. "The devil ... put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon's son, to betray him."
    God put the devil in Judas' heart so that he could have his son (or himself, or whatever) killed. 13:2
  39. Jesus takes off all his clothes, wraps a towel around himself, and then washes the feet of his disciples using the same towel. 13:3-5
  40. "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another."
    Love has hardly been a diagnostic feature of Christians. 13:35
  41. Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater miracles than he did! 14:12
  42. Now that Jesus has come, non-believers have no excuse for not believing in him. 15:22
  43. He that hateth me hateth my Father also." Oh, that's a good one. If you don't like Jesus, then you don't like God. (You're a damned God hater.) On the Jews and Their Lies (Part 12) 15:23
  44. Jesus says that whatever you ask either him or his father for you will receive. Now how's that for a big lie? 14:13-14, 15:7, 15:16, 16:23
  45. "Glorify ... me ... with the glory which I had with thee before the world was."
    The ever-so-humble Jesus asks his dad to glorify him with the glory he and his dad had before the world was created. 17:5
  46. "That they all may be one"
    Jesus prays that believers might all be one, thereby proving, once and for all, that nothing fails like prayer. 17:21a
  47. "That the world may believe that thou hast sent me."
    Since Jesus's followers are divided, and have always been divided, into a legion of conflicting sects, there's no reason to believe that his dad sent him -- according to Jesus's own test. 17:21b
  48. "That they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world." Jesus asks his father to let all of his followers see the glory that his father gave him before the world was created. 17:24
  49. "She [Mary Magdalene] ... knew not that it was Jesus." (Maybe it wasn't Jesus.) 20:14
  50. "When the doors were shut ... came Jesus and stood in the midst."
    After his resurrection, Jesus could walk through walls. 20:19, 26
  51. "Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed."
    Blessed are they that believe stupid things without (or even contrary to) evidence? 20:29
  52. "Jesus stood on the shore: but the disciples knew not that it was Jesus."
    Jesus was full of clever disguises! 21:4
  53. Peter is caught fishing naked. 21:7
  54. Jesus keeps asking Peter the same question: Do you love me more than all the others? Peter keeps telling him that he does. 21:15-16

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