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Skeptic's Annotated Bible / Quran / Book of Mormon
Edward Partridge ... appoint unto this people their portions, every man equal according to his family, according to his
circumstances and his wants and needs. Doctrine & Covenants 51:3
, but Lehi
proves him wrong by prophesying the details of Jesus' life, death,
and resurrection 600 years before he was born. Lehi even knew the Elizabethan English words that the King James
Version would ascribe to John the Baptist 2200 years before that translation existed!
10:3
Nephi sees the "great and abominable church" and its founder, the devil.
13:6
The angel shows Nephi
Christopher Columbus crossing the "many waters" in 1492 to visit the native Americans.
13:12
These "other Gentiles" were the Pilgrims arriving at Plymouth Rock in 1620.
13:13
The "mother Gentiles" are the English and the "battle" is the Revolutionary War.
13:17
God helped the American colonists win the Revolutionary War.
13:18
God helped the Americans win all their other wars too. (Except maybe the Vietnam war.)
13:19
The angel shows Nephi a book that "procedeth out of the mouth of a Jew"
(the Bible, which was a lot like the brass plates). The good American white people that God liked so much carried this
book around with them.
13:20
The angel told Nephi to look over there. You see that guy in the white robe? That's the apostle John who will write the Book of
Revelation about 700 years from now. (Which doesn't make a lot of sense since the apostle John didn't write Revelation, but oh well.)
14:18
The white-robed guy will write things that are just and true just like everything else that is written in
"the book that proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew." ("The book that prceeded out of the mouth of the Jew"
is BoM-speak for the Bible.)
14:23
So Nephi explained it all to them again. The grafting of the branches thing is all about Joseph Smith who will (2423 years later)
find and translate the golden plates and thereby produce the Book of Mormon that will bring "the fulness of the gospel" to the
Gentiles. (And if that isn't perfectly obvious to you, you are an evil bastard that hasn't inquired of the Lord.)
15:13
Nephi says that someday the Native Americans (who centuries later will become a dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and
abominable people for dwindling in unbelief) will all become Mormons and be saved. (I suppose God will then make them fair ,
white, and delightsome like good Mormons are today.)
15:14
Jesus will be born 600 years after Lehi and his family left Jerusalem (and 592 years after Nephi wrote the prophecy
down in his little brass book.)
19:8
Since these prophesies about Christ are not found in Old Testament, Joseph
Smith makes a few prophets up: Zeonock, Neum, and Zenos. These three prophets knew all about Jesus. He'd be crucified,
buried in a sepulchre, and after his death, there'd be three days of darkness. Three days of darkness? Yeah, that's what Zenos prophesied. The entire earth would be completely dark for three days after Jesus'
death (See and
for the exciting details), as a sign to
Lehi's descendants in "the isles of the sea" (the Lamanites in America and Polynesia). Of course that's not what the Bible says. , , and say it was dark for three hours just before Jesus died. (It's one of the few things those three
guys agree on.) But that's because .
19:10
Zenos prophesied further that mountains would be carried away
after Jesus died, along with lots of other nutty stuff. (See where
cities sunk, mountains were moved and dumped upon cities, etc.)
19:11
Then Zenos explains how all kinds of bad stuff would happen to the
Jews because they "crucify the God of Israel." They'd be hated by all nations, wander in the flesh, etc.
19:13
The day is soon coming when God's wrath will be poured out and all proud, wicked people will be burned.
22:16
"These things must shortly come; yea, even blood, and fire, and vapor of smoke.
22:18
Soon all the churches of the devil (non-Mormon churches) will be destroyed.
22:23
2 Nephi
Lehi prophesies that no one will come to the New World unless they are lead there by God.
1:6
Joseph Smith makes some modest prophecies about himself. He will be a choice seer, esteemed highly, and
shall do "a work of great worth." He will be great in God's eyes, like Moses, and will do God's work. He will bring
forth God's word, confound false doctrines, establish peace, and bring knowledge in the latter days. All those who seek
to destroy him will be confounded. He will be like God and will bring God's people to salvation. He will have exceeding faith,
work mighty wonders, and do what is great in the sight of God.
"A choice seer will I raise out of the fruit of thy loins."
The "choice seer" is, of course, Joseph Smith. He is prophesied to be a direct descendant of Joseph (the
fruit of his loins). But Joseph Smith couldn't have sprung from any Nephite's loins, since (according to
) they all died leaving no descendants.
"When ... they ... believe in me, that I am Christ ... they shall be restored ... unto the lands of their inheritance."
False prophecy: the Jews returned to Israel without converting to Christianity.
10:7
All Americans will someday worship God. (And become Mormons?)
10:19
Here is a clear prophecy of the future Mormon church: "And in that day, seven women shall take hold of one
man, saying: let us be called by thy name to take away our reproach."
14:1
These verses falsely predict that Babylon will never again be inhabited.
23:19
Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there.
23:21
"The Lord God shall bring forth unto you the words of a book."
The Book of Mormon prophesies itself!
27:6
The Book of Mormon will be sealed until God delivers it to a man. (Gosh, could that man be Joseph
Smith?)
27:7
Another marvelous BoM prophecy: many shall say, "A Bible! We have got a Bible." And they certainly have.
This is especially amazing since this prophecy was allegedly made around 550 BCE, long before either the canon or the
name of the "Bible" existed.
29:3
Fools will say, "A Bible! We have got a Bible, and we need no more (damned) Bible."
29:6
Before many generations pass, Native Americans will convert to Mormonism, their skins will turn white, and they
will become a "delightsome" people.
30:6
The Jews will also be converted and become a "delightsome" people.
30:7
God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth; and with the breath of his mouth he shall slay the wicked."
How's that for some bad breath?
30:9
God must burn wicked people to death. (I guess he has no choice in the matter.)
30:10
Mosiah
Mosiah tells us one more time about Jesus, who will be born in another 120 years or so. This is the umpteenth time Jesus is
prophesied in great detail in the Book of Mormon. It's almost as though the whole thing was written using language that mimicked the
King James Version of the Bible by someone living in nineteenth century America.
3:1
Devils dwell in the hearts of the children of men. But Jesus will cast them out when he comes.
3:6
When Jesus dies, 150 or so years later, blood will come from every pore.
3:7
Jesus, who wouldn't be born for another 120 years or so, will be both the Son of God and the Father of heaven and earth.
3:8
The Lord says that this (which?) generation will be slain and their bodies will be eaten by vultures, dogs,
and wild beasts.
12:2
God will smite his people with sore afflictions, famine, pestilence, and will cause them to howl all
the day long.
12:4
Book of Mormon characters love to quote Isaiah using the King James Version of the Bible. So it's not surprising that King
Noah's priests test Abinabi by quoting Isaiah 52:7-10 and asking him to explain the passage to them. (Nobody knows what the hell
Isaiah means!)
12:20
Alma
Alma prophesies that the Nephites will "dwindle in unbelief" 400 years after Jesus is born. And if you
believe and that is
exactly what happened! Now that's a precise prophecy!
45:10
Helaman
God prophesies that he will kill the Nephites with war, starvation, and disease within the next 400 years or so.
(And I guess if you believe the Book of Mormon, he did with a little help from the Lamanites).
13:9
Another amazing prophecy: In five years the Son of God will come. And this was (according to my motel room
version of the BoM) in the year 6 BCE!
14:2
Wow! The night before Jesus was born there were great lights in the sky that made the night as bright
as day!
14:3
"And behold this is not all, there shall be many signs and wonders in heaven."
14:6
When Jesus dies (Remember this prophecy was made before Jesus had even been born!) it will be
absolutely dark for three days and nights. No sun, moon, stars, candles, or campfires.
14:20
When Jesus dies mountains will become valleys and vice versa, cities destroyed, and dead
people will come back to life.
14:23
"In the latter times" the Lamanites (Native Americans) will convert to Mormonism.
15:12
3 Nephi
"Behold, I will send you Elijah."
It turns out that this prophesy was fulfilled when Elijah visited the Kirtland Temple in 1836, giving the Mormon
church the keys of the priesthood. (See 3 Nephi 25 in
.)
0:0
God makes a repetitive and rambling speech announcing his own birth. He says that he'll be born tommorow.
And that later that evening "a sign would be given."
1:12
And God's prophecy came true! That night "there was no darkness when night came ... but it was as light as thought it
was mid-day."
1:15
Jesus says there are other scriptures that "ye should write". Could this be a prophecy of the
Book of Mormon?
23:6
The elements will melt, the earth will be rolled up like a scroll, and heaven and earth will
pass away.
26:3
I will reveal unto you the Priesthood, by the hand of Elijah.
These words were supposedly spoken by Moroni to Joseph Smithin 1823. He was quoting from ,
which says nothing about the priesthood.
2:1
The whole earth would be utterly wasted at his coming.
This misquote of seems to say that God won't destroy everyone on the great
and dreadful day of the Lord. But that the day will come shortly after the priesthood is revealed.
Well the priesthood was supposedly revealed, and nothing happened for 190+ years.
2:3
John the Baptist who conferred the priesthood on Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery - under the direction of the apostles Peter,
James, and John - on May 15, 1829.13:1
Soon I [Jesus] will burn all the wicked people.
29:9
Then I'll reveal myself and dwell on earth for a thousand years.
29:11
After that, a trumpet will sound, the earth will quake, and dead bodies will come alive.
29:13
But before any of that happens, the sun will darken, the moon will turn into blood, and stars will fall.
29:14
But before I come, the sun will darken, the moon will turn into blood, the stars won't shine, and some of them will fall.
And the wicked will be destroyed.
34:9
If you are faithful, I'll be with you until I come. And I come quickly. Amen.
34:11
Those without faith will drink the wine of the wrath of fornication.
35:11
The day is coming when you'll see me and hear my voice. So get ready. Amen.
50:45
I'm Jesus, who comes quickly (when your not expecting me). Amen.
51:20
This is what God says to the elders in these last days.
52:1
I [God] say to you, Sidney Gilbert, that I heard your prayers in these last days.
53:1
This is what Jesus says: Newell Knight, Leave this land, and go to Missouri to the boundaries of the Lamanites.
When you get there, get a job. And patiently wait for me to come again. It won't be long. I come quickly. Amen.
54:1
It's dangerous out there on the water. And it'll be worse from now on.
61:4
In the beginning I blessed the water, but now, in the last days, I (by John's mouth) curse the waters.
61:14
In the beginning I cursed the land, but in the last days I'll bless it. (So the saints can eat its fatness.)
61:17
Gird up your loins, and look for the coming of the Son of Man. He'll come when your least expect it.
61:38
Pray that you'll be ready when he comes, whether you're alive or dead. Amen.
61:39
When the day of wrath comes, everyone will know that I'm God.
63:6
It'll be hard for the saints to escape. But I'll come down from heaven and save them by burning the wicked with unquenchable fire.
I'm not going to do this for a while though. I'll do it by and by.
63:34
He'll come to the wise and foolish virgins. His angels will pluck out the wicked and cast them into unquenchable fire.
63:54
This is a day of warning, not a day of many words. Don't mock me in these last days.
63:58
After today cometh the burning - this is speaking after the manner of the Lord - for verily I say, tomorrow all the proud
and they that do wickedly shall be as stubble; and I will burn them up, for I am the Lord of Hosts; and I will not spare any
that remain in Babylon.
64:24
I've made my church in these last days the judge of all nations.
64:37
The earth will exist for a total of 7000 years.
77:6
The things in this chapter will happen in the sixth thousand year period, when the sixth seal is opened.
77:10
The trumpets in Rev 8 prepare and finish God's work, and mark the beginning of the 7000 years - preparing the way of his coming.
77:12
The things in Rev 9 will happen after the seventh seal is opened, before Christ comes.
77:13
The little book that John ate in Rev 10 was a mission to gather the tribes of Israel. It was also Elias, who must come to
restore everything.
77:14
The two witnesses in Rev 11 are two prophets that will appear in the last days. They'll prophesy to the Jews after they build
the city of Jerusalem.
77:15
The Lord's church is established in the last days. And it will gather on Mount Zion in the city of New Jerusalem.
84:2
The city will be built at the temple lot, appointed by the Lord's finger, and dedicated by Joseph Smith, Jun., on the western boundary
of the state of Missouri. It will be created in this generation.
84:3
This generation will still be alive when a cloud will rest on the house, and the glory of the Lord will fill it.
84:5
All the rest of you should do the same: Go preach everywhere telling everyone that they will be killed if they don't believe what you say.
84:117
I will destroy their kingdoms and shake the earth and stars.
84:118
You can't see it now, but in soon I'll come and you'll see it. Amen.
84:119
My anger will soon be poured out on all nations.
I"ll do it when the cup of their iniquity is full. 101:11
Everyone on the watch-tower, or in other words, everyone in Israel will be saved. 101:12
Everything else will melt and will become new. 101:25
If the saints obey me, they will prevail until I defeat all of the kingdoms of the world and give the earth to them to possess forever. 103:7
The Lord is coming soon. So gird your loins. 106:4
The great and dreadful day of the Lord is near. 110:16
I'll give you a lot of treasure from this city.
111:2
So get to know the men who live here, since I'll soon be giving it to you.
111:3
Someday I'll give the city to you, and you'll have power over it. They'll never discover your secret parts, and all its wealth, gold, and silver will be yours.
111:4
Don't rebel against Joseph Smith. I'm with him, and he'll have my keys until I come. 112:15
Vengeance will come soon to everyone on earth - a day of wrath, burning, weeping, mourning, and a whirlwind everywhere on earth. 112:24
George Miller is without guile.
He loves my testimony and I, the Lord, love him. Though the Lord loved George Miller, he was excommunicated from the LDS church on December 3, 1848.124:20
William Law will heal the sick, cast out devils, and be immune to deadly poison. William Law disagreed with Joseph Smith on several political and economic issues, as well as polygamy. But their relationship was finally completely broken with Law found out about Joseph Smith's attempt to add Law's wife, Jane, to his growing number of wives. William and Jane law were excommunicated on April 20, 1844.124:98
He'll also go places where poisonous serpents can't bite his heel, and his thoughts will be like eagles' wings. 124:99
I prophesy that there will be difficulties and bloodshed before the Son of Man comes in South Carolina. 130:12
It might probably be associated with the slavery question.
A voice told me so on December 25, 1832. 130:13
Once while I was praying, I asked when the Son of Man would come. A voice said to me:
"If you live to be 85 years old, you'll see the face of the Son of Man.
This should satisfy you. Don't bother me any more about this." 130:14
I believe the Son of Man won't be coming any time before then. 130:17
The Lamb will stand on Mount Zion with 144,000 people, with his Father's name written on their foreheads. 133:18
He'll speak from Jerusalem, but everyone on earth will hear him. 133:21
His voice will be like many waters, and the voice of thunder.
It will break mountains and fill valleys. 133:22
The ocean will be driven back to the north countries, and the islands will merge to become one land. 133:23
The earth will be like it was before it was divided. 133:24
The prophets will break rocks and melt ice. 133:26
The moon will not shine and the stars will be trhown. 133:49
And he'll say: "I've troddent the wine-press alone." 133:50
I've trample them in my fury.
I've tread on them in my anger.
I've sprinkle their blood on my garments. 133:51
The graves of the saints shall be opened, and they'll sing the song of the Lamb. 133:56
Someday the Lord will burn all the wicked people. 133:64
I killed all the fish in the rivers and sea and made them stink. 133:68
They will go into the outer darkness where there is weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. 133:73
Joseph Smith - Matthew
The end of the world will be especially bad for nursing mothers. 1:16
All these things will happen within the lifetime of this generation. 1:34
Heaven and earth won't last forever, but my words will. 1:35
Like I said before, my sign will appear in the sky, everyone will be sad, and they'll see me come down from the clouds with great power and glory. 1:36
But no one knows when that will happen (not even me). Only my father knows for sure. 1:40
It be just like it was in the days of Noah. Everyone ate and drank and got married. Then the flood came and drowned them all. That's how it'll be when I come. 1:41
Watch out. You never know when I [Jesus] will come. 1:48
Evil servants say, "He's late in coming." Then they'll get drunk and smite their fellow servants. I'll come when they're not looking. 1:51
I'll cut him down and punish him with the hypocrites, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 1:54
Articles of Faith
We believe in speaking in tongues, interpreting tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, etc. 1:7
