"Alif. Lam. Mim."
Many surahs start with three Arabic letters. No one knows why. But I have a theory. The mysterious letters (Alif. Lam. Mim.)
are the Quranic equivalent of WTF. 2:1
"This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt, a guidance unto those who ward off (evil)."
There is no doubt about this or any other "Scripture". It is false. It wasn't revealed by God and it won't "ward off evil."
2:2
Those who believe in the unseen things revealed by Muhammad and who are absolutely certain they will survive their own
death are the successful people. You know, the Muslims. 2:3-5
"Shall we believe as the foolish believe?"
According to the Quran, the answer is, yes. To be truly wise you must believe whatever the foolish believe. 2:13
Allah especially dislikes people who pretend to believe when they're around Muslims, and then disbelieve when they hang out with devils.
2:14
"If Allah willed, He could destroy their hearing and their sight. Lo! Allah is able to do all things." 2:20
"And if ye are in doubt ... then produce a surah of the like thereof."
If you doubt that the truth of the Quran, then try making some stuff up and see how it compares. (Whatever you come up with will be better than the
Quran.) 2:23
And He taught Adam all the names."
Allah taught Adam all the names of the plants and animals, which must have taken a while since there are 1.7 million species that are known
today, with probably another 10 million or so that are yet to be discovered. And this only includes those that are alive today. If extinct species
are included (~99%), then Allah must have taught Adam a billion or so names. 2:31a
Then Allah showed all the animals to the angels, challenging them to guess their names (if they are truthful).
2:31b
But the angels weren't truthful enough to guess correctly. 2:32
Then Allah tells Adam to tell the angels the animals' names. So Adam tells them and says, "I know something you
guys don't! Neener-Neener-Neener!" 2:33
Allah commands the angels to worship Adam. They all do, except for Iblis, who becomes a disbeliever. 2:34
After the people worshipped a calf, Moses told them to kill themselves. That, he said, would be best for them.
2:54
Allah struck Moses with lightning and then revived him just so that Moses would thank him for it!
2:55-56
As you read the Quran you'll notice that many of the Bible's stupidest stories are made even
stupider in the Quran. Take Exodus 17:1-6 for example. In the Bible, Moses strikes a rock and water
comes out for the Israelites to drink. In the Quran, the same thing happens but there are twelve springs that come out of the rock,
one for each tribe of Israel. 2:60
Allah turned Sabbath-breaking Jews into apes to be despised and hated. All modern Jews are descendants of apes
(or all modern apes are descendants of Sabbath-breaking Jews). 2:65-66
"Allah told the Jews to sacrifice a bright yellow cow. 2:67-69
But they weren't sure what cow to kill. All cows pretty much look alike to Jews. 2:67-69
Somehow they worked it all out, though, and killed a yellow cow. 2:71
A man was murdered about the same time that the yellow cow was killed. Nobody knew who the murderer was. So Allah told the
people to smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow. When they did that, the dead man came to life and told everyone who had
murdered him. (I hope I got that right.)2:72-3
There are rocks which fall down for the fear of Allah."
Are there rocks that fall down laughing at the stupid things Allah says in the Quran? 2:74
"Little is that which they believe."
At least Allah got that right. There is little in the Quran that is worthy of belief. 2:88
Their hearts are all alike (they suck). Allah's revelations are clear to those that already believe that Allah's revelations are clear.
2:118b
Pay no attention to the know-nothings that ask Allah for a sign. (Or ask him to say something good, kind, decent,
or reasonable in the Quran.) 2:118a
"We take our colour from Allah, and who is better than Allah at colouring."
Muslims were colored by God. "Who is better than Allah at coloring?"
I give up. Who is better at coloring than Allah? 2:138
Allah guides whoever the hell he wants on a straight path. And once in a while he changes the direction of the path for no
reason whatsoever. 2:142
Allah changes the holy direction. Originally Muslims prayed toward Jerusalem. But then, for no apparent reason, Allah told
Muhammad to start praying toward a black cube-shaped building in Mecca (the Kaaba). The Kaaba, according to Islamic tradition,
was the first building on earth. Built by Adam and re-built later by Abraham and Ishmael, the Kaaba is the direction that all
Muslims pray toward five times day, and is the holy site that all Muslims are supposed to visit once in their lifetime.
2:143-4
"Those who disbelieve [are] Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense." 2:171
"There is life for you in retaliation ... that ye may ward off (evil)."
There is life for you in Allah's magic retaliation. It helps to ward off evil. (It works like a rabbit's foot or something.)
2:179
The Quran provides clear guidance on all aspects of morality. 2:185
"Beautified is the life of the world for those who disbelieve;
they make a jest of the believers."
Yes life is beautiful to us unbelievers and we like to laugh at believers! 2:212
Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. Allah isn't sure, but he figures their sinfulness is probably greater than their
usefulness. Just try not to spend too much on either. 2:219a
If you're wondering how much is too much to spend on drinking and gambling, Allah has the answer for you. Only drink or gamble
away what is superfluous. Allah is Mighty, Wise, Helpful. 2:219b
Next Allah gets down to the really important things in life. Things we all wonder about from time to time. Like should I marry a
few idolatresses? Is an Islamic concubine better than a really hot Christian woman? Should I refuse to give my daughter to a Jewish man
until he becomes a Muslim? And who should I invite to the Fire anyway? 2:221
After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them. Just don't make
Allah a laughing-stock. 2:231
When a man dies, his wives can't have sex for four months and ten days. After that, if they're not pregnant, it's no sin for
the dead man if his wives have sex again. 2:234
Allah told thousands of soldiers to die. Then after they died, Allah brought them back to life. 2:243
Allah asks for a loan, promising to pay us back with interest. Allah straightens and enlarges whatever is bent or small.
2:245
Then Allah starts with the Bible stories. And, as usual, he gets them all wrong. First he has angels carrying the ark.
2:247
Allah confuses Saul with Gideon when telling the stupid dog-lapping story of Judges 7:5-7.
2:249
Abraham argues with a disbeliever by saying, "God makes the sun rise in the east. Make it rise in the west." Which totally
abashed the disbeliever. But the disbeliever should have said, "I make the sun rise in the east. Ask Allah to make it rise in the
west." That would have abashed Abraham and Allah. 2:258
Allah makes a man "die" for 100 years, and then brings him back to life.
2:259
To show how he gives life to the dead, Allah tells Abraham to cut up the
bodies of four birds, scatter their remains on four hills, and then call to them. Allah says
that the dead birds will come quickly to Abraham. 2:260
