Isaiah
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50
51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66

Absurdities
Injustice
Cruelty and Violence
Science and History
Contradictions
Intolerance
Prophecy
Language
Good Stuff
Women
Interpretation
Family Values
Sex
Homosexuality

Source Index
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Absurdity in Isaiah

  1. The mouth of the Lord 1:20

  2. "When he ariseth to shake terribly the earth."
    (Earthquakes happen when God gets angry.) 2:19, 21

  3. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5

  4. "He has stretched forth his hand against them ... and the hills did tremble." 5:25

  5. God "will hiss unto then from the end of the earth." 5:26

  6. An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7

  7. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18

  8. God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20

  9. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3

  10. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 11:4

  11. "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25

  12. "And  the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays.  11:8

  13. When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 13:13

  14. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22

  15. Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29

  16. "Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh." 16:11

  17. God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5

  18. While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3

  19. "The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18

  20. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18

  21. God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20

  22. "The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard."
    (Earthquakes are all a part of God's wondrous plan.) 24:18-20

  23. God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1

  24. God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding. 29:14

  25. Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7

  26. Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6

  27. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26

  28. God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28

  29. "The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall shew the lighting down of his arm." 30:30

  30. God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he even kindles a fire with it. 30:33

  31. God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

  32. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
    The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4

  33. "And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7

  34. "The cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl also and the raven shall dwell in it."
    Edom will become a birdwatcher's paradise. 34:11

  35. Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14

  36. "And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness."
    Pat Robertson and other whacked out Christians believe "the highway of holiness" is I-35.
    700 Club: I-35 Can Stop Homosexuality 35:8

  37. An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36

  38. God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8

  39. The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same happens with people. 40:7

  40. "The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven image."
    God hates Christmas trees 40:19-20

  41. God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13

  42. Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20

  43. "He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire."
    God hates Christmas trees 44:14-16

  44. "I have sworn by myself." 45:23

  45. God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of his hands. (As a permanent tattoo or with temporary ink?) 49:16

  46. "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23

  47. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10

  48. God shows off his bare arm. 52:10

  49. "Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9

  50. Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5

  51. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

  52. "Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16

  53. "For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee." 62:5

  54. "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

  55. Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6

  56. Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable things" or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17

  57. Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24