God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will
send infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15
God commands his people to "consume all the people which the Lord thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have
no pity on them." 7:16
God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you,
a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23
"The LORD thy God shall deliver them unto thee, and shall destroy them with a mighty destruction, until they be destroyed."
Burn and "utterly detest" the religious symbols of other faiths. They are an abomination to God. If you bring such an image
into your house you will become "a cursed thing like it." 7:25-26
"If thou do at all forget the LORD thy God, and walk after other gods ... ye shall surely perish."
God orders the destruction of all other places of worship. 12:2-3
After God kills those of other faiths, be sure to reject their beliefs and do not
learn about them. Otherwise God will have to kill you too. 12:30
Prophets and dreamers are to be executed if they say or dream the wrong things.
If your brother, son, daughter, wife, or friend tries to get you to worship another god, "thou shalt surely kill him,
thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death." 13:6-10
If you hear of a city where another god is worshiped, then destroy everyone in the city (even the cattle) and burn
it down. (Watch out Salt Lake!) 13:12-16
Kill everyone who has religious beliefs that are different from your own.
Anyone who will not listen to a priest or a judge must be executed.
Wizards, witches, astrologers, and new age folks are all "an abomination unto the Lord."
False prophets are to be (you guessed it) executed. How do you know who is a false prophet? By whether or not their
predictions come true. (Watch out Jehovah's Witnesses!) 18:20
Women are not to wear men's clothing and vice versa -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5
God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation."
So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth
certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God.
No Moabite will ever be allowed into the congregation of the Lord. 23:3, 6
God says not to bring any whore, sodomite, or dog into the house of the Lord. For "these things are an abomination
to the Lord." Sodomites and dogs are biblical names for homosexuals. 23:17-18
God commands the Israelites to "blot out the rembrance of Amalek from under heaven." A few hundred years later
God orders Saul to kill of the Amalekites "both man and woman, infant and suckling."
(1 Samuel 15:2-3) 25:19
If you don't obey all of the laws that are given in the Old Testament, God shower you with the curses that are given
in the next 52 verses. 28:16-68
"The LORD shall send upon thee cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that thou settest thine hand unto for to do,
until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly." 28:20
"The LORD shall make
the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee." 28:21
"The LORD shall cause thee to be smitten before thine enemies." 28:25
"And thy carcass shall be meat to
all the fowls of the air, and no man shall fray them away." 28:26
"The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the
itch, whereof thou canst be healed." 28:27
"The Lord will smite thee with madness, and , and astonishment of heart." 28:28
"And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the blind gropeth in darkness, and thou shalt not prosper in thy ways:
and thou shalt be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save thee." 28:29
"Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes ... thine ass shall be violently taken away." 28:31
"Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32
You will be enslaved and driven mad in another country. 28:33-34
"The Lord will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy
foot unto the top of thy head." 28:35
You will be ruled by other nations, forced to serve other gods, become a laughingstock among your neighbors, have
your crops destroyed by locusts, your vines eaten by worms, and have fruitless olive trees.
"Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for they shall go into
"All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever."
God will enslave you and destroy you with hunger, thirst, hardship,
and all kinds of deprivation. 28:48-52
"And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters."
"So that the man that is tender among you, and very delicate, his eye shall be evil toward his brother, and toward the wife of his
bosom, and toward the remnant of his children which he shall leave: So that he will not give to any of them of the flesh of his
children whom he shall eat." 28:54-55
"The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her
"If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book. Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful,
and the plagues of thy seed ...
Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will
the LORD bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed." 28:58-61
If the Jews don't follow God's laws he'll have most of them killed. 28:62
"The LORD will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought." 28:63
"And the LORD shall scatter thee among all people, from the one end of the earth even unto the other; and there thou shalt serve other gods."
"The LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of
eyes, and sorrow of mind." 28:65
"And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear day and night, and shalt have
none assurance of thy life." 28:66
"In the morning thou shalt say, Would God it were even! and at even thou shalt say, Would God it were morning!
for the fear of thine heart wherewith thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see." 28:67
God will have you sold to your enemies -- but even they won't buy you.
If you serve the gods of other nations, "all the curses that are in
this book" will fall upon you. 29:18-20
When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you with fire, and send vicious beasts to
devour you. He'll "destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the
helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26
"For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall
consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the
"I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them." 32:23
"They shall be burnt
with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I
will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of
the dust." 32:24
"The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs."
"I said, I would scatter them into corners, I would make the remembrance of them to cease from among men." 32:26