Deuteronomy
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31 32 33 34

Injustice
Cruelty and Violence
Intolerance
Contradictions
Absurdities
Family Values
Women
Good Stuff
Sex
Interpretation
Science and History
Prophecy
Language
Homosexuality

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SAB: Deuteronomy

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1. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5

2. God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they were the descendents of Lot's drunken, incestuous affair with his daughters (Gen.19:30-38). 2:9, 19

3. "A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21

4. Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11

5. When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you." 3:22

6. "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version. 4:2

7. God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15

8. God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23

9. God makes people wealthy (or poor). 8:17-18

10. Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." 10:16

11. After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all the strangers that they encounter (Dt.7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19

12. God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his commands. Why then don't modern Bible-believers stone to death blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32

13. Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1

14. This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8

15. Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't be eaten. 14:10

16. To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18

17. Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil a kid (young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21

18. Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky! 17:1

19. God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4

20. If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8

21. Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations. 21:22

22. Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5

23. "Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together" or wear wool and linen together in the same garment. But "thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture." 22:10-12

24. You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1

25. God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2

26. God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14

27. Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the Lord. 24:4

28. If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10

29. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

30. "I have not ... given ought thereof for the dead.
    Don't worry God. I haven't offered any food to dead people. 26:14

31. Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15

32. "Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." 27:20

33. "Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:21

34. "Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen." 27:22

35. "Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:23

36. "Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." 27:26

37. "Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16

38. "Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out." 28:19

39. "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." 28:23

40. "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:27-28

41. "The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44

42. The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They just don't make them like they used to! 29:5

43. God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6

44. When Moses was 120 years old he could no longer "go out and come in." Yet just a little later (Dt.34:7) we are told that "his eye was not dim, nor his natural forces abated." 31:1-2

45. "Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33

46. God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8

47. Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17

48. Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own death and burial. 34:5