1 Nephi

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11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22

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Absurdities in 1 Nephi

1. And it came to pass

2. Exceedingly

3. Dwindling in unbelief
   

4. "I make a record in the language of my father ... the language of the Egyptians." That's a strange language an Israelite around 600 BCE to write in! 1:2

5. It only took Nephi and his family three days to travel from Jerusalem to the Red Sea. (A distance of 250 miles) 2:6

6. After cutting off Laban's head, Nephi puts on Laban's clothes, and speaks to his servant "in the voice of Laban." The servant is fooled into thinking Nephi is his master. 4:19-21

7. Laban's servant figured Nephi was Laban and that he spoke for the church. What church? The Jews in 600 BCE didn't have churches, did they? 4:26

8. It must have been an exceedingly good costume! Even Nephi's brothers thought he was Laban (because he was wearing Laban's clothes). 4:28

9. "The plates ... I have given the name of Nephi; wherefore, they are called the plates of Nephi, after mine own name; and these plates also are called the plates of Nephi." Okay, I guess we'll call them the plates of Nephi. 9:2

10. The Nephites were "white and exceedingly fair." 13:15

11. A round brass ball "of curious workmanship" leads Lehi through the wilderness. A compass, perhaps? But compasses didn't exist in 600 BCE 16:10, 16

12. Nephi breaks his bow, "which was made of fine steel." But the technology for making steel did not exist in 600 BCE. 16:18

13. God told Lehi to look at the brass ball and read the words written upon it. And when he read the words "he did fear and tremble exceedingly." 16:26

14. The pointers on the ball work according to the faith of its user. 16:28

15. And the words written on the ball change according to the faith of its user. 16:29

16. So Nephi found his way to the top of the mountain by following the instructions that were written on the ball. 16:30

17. Lehi and company didn't have to cook their food because God made it taste good raw. 17:12

18. God "sent fiery flying serpents" to bite people. 17:41

19. In building the boat, "We did work timbers of curious workmanship." 18:1

20. "Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men." (In case you didn't get it the third time, Nephi didn't build the ship after the manner of men.) 18:2

21. Nephi says that whatever he wrote on the plates was sacred. But he admits that he might make some mistakes, just like they (the guys who wrote the bible?) did. Not that he's making any excuses, of course. 19:6

22. Since these prophesies about Christ are not found in Old Testament, Joseph Smith makes a few prophets up: Zeonock, Neum, and Zenos. 19:10

23. And kings shall be thy nursing fathers. 21:23

24. How could Nephi, supposedly writing this around 590 BCE, quote words from the book of Malachi, which was not yet written? 22:15

25. Notice that this verse (which was supposed to have been written around 600 BCE) quotes Peter's paraphrase of Deuteronomy 18:15, 18-19, rather than the Old Testament verses themselves. 22:20