Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a
"running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him
that is clean...." 15:1-15
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself,
your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible.
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16
"And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17
"The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water,
and be unclean until the even." 15:18
God is angry at the people for sacrificing to devils and going a whoring after them. 17:7
Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them
to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is
apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman.
Don't "lie with any beast." You probably weren't planning on doing this, but now
you know just in case you get the urge sometime. 18:23
If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out.
Don't "go a whoring" after Molech or "commit adultery with him." (Don't you love it
when God talks dirty?) 20:5
Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring"
after them either. 20:6
A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God."
A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from
him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be
Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." 10:16
God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation."
So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth
certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God.
God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst
of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14
God says not to bring any whore, sodomite, or dog into the house of the Lord. For "these things are an abomination
to the Lord." Sodomites and dogs are biblical names for homosexuals. 23:17-18
"The tender and delicate woman"
will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her feet."
God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12
After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him
five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17
"If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22
"Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth
against the wall."
If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall".
"Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat:
for the LORD hath spoken it." 14:11
"Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey,
or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked."
Note from the Oxford Annotated Bible: "He has gone aside ['he pursueth' in the KJV] is probably a euphemism for attending to natural needs."
"Thus saith the Lord, in the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick thy blood, even thine."
God says that dogs with lick Ahab's blood. But Jezebel, not Ahab, was repsonsible for Naboth's death.
The dogs shall eat Jezebel."
Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in the sight of the Lord." To punish her,
God will feed her dead body to the dogs. He also plans to feed Ahab's family to the dogs (if they live in the city)
and to the birds (if they are country folks). 21:23-25
Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and "took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out
of the land," or as the RSV says, "he exterminated" them. 22:43, 46
"For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall."
God has Jezebel thrown off a wall. Her blood is sprinkled on the wall and on the horses, by which she is
trampled. Her body is eaten by dogs and all that remains of it is her hands, feet, and skull. God says that she "shall be
as dung upon the face of the field." 9:33-37
But the Israelites "transgressed against the God of their fathers, and went a whoring
after the gods of the people of the land, whom God destroyed before them." So God inspired the
Assyrians to enslave the Israelites. 5:25-26
After Solomon died, his son Rehoboam became king, and everyone in Israel came to talk to him, begging him to
not be the jerk his father was. Rehoboam said that he'd be even nastier. His dad laid heavy burdens upon them and tortured
them with whips; he would torture them with scorpions. If Solomon had a big dick, Rehoboam has an even bigger one.
"My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins." 10:3-11
The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's
not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity
was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good
reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14
God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that he doesn't.
Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says that he will throw his shoe at them. 60:7-8
God will "wound the head of his enemies" so that the righteous can wash their feet "in the blood
of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same." 68:21, 23
The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins
continually to shake." 69:23-28
"They that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee." 73:27
The psalmist asks God to " do unto them as unto the Midianites ... which became as dung for the earth."
"Thus were they defiled with their own works, and went a whoring with their own inventions." 106:39
God will cover the earth with dead bodies that
will not be buried. "They shall be for dung upon the face of the
Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well. 9:26
"For the greatness of thine iniquity are thy skirts discovered, and thy heels made bare." 13:22
God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen
her commit whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it!
God tells Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he's
going to kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all "shall die of grievous
deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried, but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth."
"Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Drink ye, and be drunken, and spue, and fall,
and rise no more, because of the sword which I will send among you." 27:27
God will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with their dead bodies. No one is to
mourn them or even bury them; "they shall be dung upon the ground."
Jeremiah asks God to make Moab drunk, and predicts that Moab will "wallow in his
God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the dung that cometh out of
man." (Yum!) 4:12
God dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments
her on her nice hair and breasts. 16:6-7, 22
Jerusalem was a harlot who had sex with everyone that passed by. If no one was available, she "committed whoredom" with "images of men."
"Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with
"Thou ... hast opened thy feet to every one that passed by." 16:25
"Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy neighbours, great of flesh." (Jerusalem
had sex with Egyptians with big penises.) 16:26
Jerusalem still wasn't satisfied after having sex with the the well-endowed Egyptians (v.26), so she had sex with Assyrians, Canaanites, Chaldeans,
and complete strangers, but still was not satisfied. So she hired men to "come in unto [her] on every side." 16:28-29
God calls Jerusalem "an imperious whorish woman." 16:30
God says that Jerusalem has sex with strangers, hiring them to "come in unto thee on every side."
Because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her nakedness
before all of her lovers. 16:35-37
After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more.
Then he'll have her stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords." 16:38-41
"I will consume thy filthiness out of thee." 22:15
Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and
bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was
discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the
surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off"
her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death.
"Their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity." 23:3
"Thus she committed her whoredoms with them ... with all their idols she defiled herself." 23:7
"They bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her." 23:8
"And the Babylonians came
to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom,
and she was polluted with them." 23:17
"So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness ... she multiplied her whoredoms." 23:18-19
Really Big Penises. One of the sister (Aholibah) had lovers
"whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses."
"The lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth." 23:21
"Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD." 23:34
God gets all excited about cooking with "scum" and human flesh, saying "kindle the fire, consume the
flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned. Her scum shall be in the fire." 24:3-14
God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great
whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer.
God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks
them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or
he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3
God "will not have mercy upon ... the children of whoredoms. For their mother hath played the
Committing whoredom by going a whoring with the spirit of whoredom. 4:10
If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom" and your wife "commit
Even more whoredom! "They have committed whoredom continually." 4:14-18