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The Bible in Fewer Words

Let thy words be few. Ecclesiastes 5:2

  1. Introduction

      2. Genesis

    1. The Two Creations (Gen 1-2)
        The Garden of Eden (Genesis 3)
    2. The sons of God, daughters of men, and the flood of Noah (Gen 4-8)
    3. The curse of Canaan (Gen 9-14)
        A few more words about the curse of Canaan. What did Ham do? (Gen 9:20-27)
    4. Ishmael, Abraham's firstborn son (Gen 15-18)
    5. Sodom and Gomorrah (Gen 19)
    6. Abraham repeats the she's my sister lie (Gen 20)
    7. Abraham abandons his son Ishmael (Gen 21)
    8. The sacrifice of Isaac (Gen 22)
    9. Finding a wife for Isaac (Gen 23-24)
    10. A bowl of lentil soup (Gen 25)
    11. Isaac uses his father's she's my sister lie (Gen 26)
    12. Rebekah and Jacob deceive Isaac (Gen 27)
    13. Stairway to heaven (Gen 28 - 29:12)
    14. The Great Baby-Making Contest (Gen 29:13 - 30)
    15. I can't stand up now. Period. (Gen 31)
    16. Jacob wrestles with God - and wins! (Gen 31-33)
    17. Shechem and Dinah (Gen 34)
    18. Joseph, the favorite son (Gen 35-37)
    19. Er, Onan, Judah, and Tamar (Genesis 38)
    20. Potiphar's wife and the interpretation of dreams (Gen 39-41)
    21. All about Joseph (Gen 42-45)
    22. Even more about Joseph (Gen 46-50)

      23. Exodus

    23. Introducing Moses (Ex 1-2)
    24. A burning bush and some magic tricks (Ex 3-4:17)
    25. God tries to kill Moses (Ex 4:18-31)
    26. Uncircumcised lips (Ex 5-7)
    27. Frogs lice and flies (Ex 8)
    28. Plagues 5 through 9 (Ex 9-10)
    29. God kills all Egyptian firstborn sons and animals (Ex 11-12)
    30. The Lord took off their chariot wheels (Ex 13-15)
    31. Quails from heaven, water from a rock, and war with Amalek (Ex 16-18)
    32. The Ten Commandments (Ex 19-20)
    33. More commandments (Ex 21)
    34. Even more commandments (Ex 22-23)
    35. Stuff God wants (Ex 24-27)
    36. How to make a priest (Ex 28 - 29:21)
    37. Animal sacrifice (Ex 29:22 - 30:10)
    38. Taxes, feet washing, and perfume (Ex 30:11 - 31)
    39. Aaron's golden calf (Ex 32)
    40. God shows Moses his back parts (Ex 33)
    41. The Real Ten Commandments? (Ex 34)
    42. Bezaleel and Aholiab (Ex 35-40)

      43. Leviticus

    43. Animal Sacrifices: All the fat is the Lord's (Lev 1-4)
    44. More animal sacrifices: A statute forever (Lev 5-7)
    45. God burns Aaron's sons (Lev 8-10)
    46. All creatures clean and unclean (Lev 11)
    47. Unclean mothers and leprosy (Lev 12-14)
    48. Penile discharge, semen, and menstruation (Lev 15)
    49. The scapegoat, Yom Kippur, and sacrificing to devils (Lev 16-17)
    50. God's sex laws (Lev 18)
    51. Some good rules - and some strange ones (Lev 19)
    52. Who you must kill and who you shouldn't see naked (Lev 20)
    53. What to do with blasphemers (Lev 21-25)
    54. Rewards, punishments, and the value of human life (Lev 26-27)

      55. Numbers

    55. The law of jealousies (Num 1-5)
    56. How to become a Nazarite (Num 6-10)
    57. Quails - until they come out out your nose! (Num 11)
    58. Miriam and Aaron criticize Moses (Num 12)
    59. Twelve spies and a revolt against Moses (Num 13-14)
    60. Korah's Rebellion (Num 15-16)
    61. The red heifer (Num 17-19)
    62. The sin of Moses (Num 20)
    63. God sends snakes (Num 21)
    64. Balaam's talking donkey (Num 22)
    65. Balaam's speeches (Num 23-24)
    66. The Israelites commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab (Num 25)
    67. The daughters of Zelophehad (Num 26-30)
    68. The Midianite massacre with Seth Andrews (Num 31)
    69. The end of Numbers (Num 32-36)

      70. Deuteronomy

    70. Moses's speech (Dt 1-5)
    71. God, Genocide, and Giants (Dt 6-12)
    72. When to stone to death your whole family (Dt 13-19)
    73. Holy War, disobedient sons, and hated wives (Dt 20-21)
    74. Deuteronomy 22-23 with Objectively Dan
    75. When to cut off a woman's hand without pity (Dt 24-27)
    76. Blessings and curses (Dt 28-30)
    77. The death of Moses (Dt 31-34)

      78. Joshua

    78. The invasion begins (Joshua 1-4)
    79. The hill of foreskins and the Jericho massacre (Joshua 5-6)
    80. Achan and is family are stoned and burned to death (Joshua 7)
    81. The Ai Massacre (Joshua 8-9)
    82. Joshua stops the sun (Joshua 10)
    83. The Genocide Continues (Joshua 11-24)

      84. Judges

    84. Adonibezek's thumbs and big toes (Judges 1-2)
    85. Ehud delivers a message from God (Judges 3)
    86. Blessed is Jael among women (Judges 4-5)
    87. Gideon tests God three times (Judges 6)
    88. As a dog lappeth: God selects Gideon's army (Judges 7)
    89. The end of Gideon (Judges 8)
    90. Seventy brothers on a single stone (Judges 9-10)
    91. Jephthah's Daughter (Judges 11)
    92. Shibboleth (Judges 12)
    93. Samson's riddle (Judges 13-14)
    94. 300 foxes, 1000 men, and the jawbone of an ass (Judges 15)
    95. Samson, Delilah, and a suicide terrorist attack (Judges 16)
    96. The Massacre of the Peaceful, Unsuspecting People (Judges 17-18)
    97. The Levite's concubine (Judges 19)
    98. A holy civil war (Judges 20)
    99. A genocide and 200 stolen virgins (Judges 21)

      100. Ruth

    100. Spread your skirt over your handmaid (Ruth 1-4)

      101. 1 Samuel

    101. Samuel's miraculous birth and childhood (1 Sam 1-3)
    102. The Philistines steal the ark of the covenant (1 Sam 4)
    103. Five Golden Hemorrhoids (1 Sam 5-7)
    104. King Saul - He was hiding among the stuff (1 Sam 8-10)
    105. Just another God-inspired body part message (1 Sam 11-12)
    106. Jonathan's first slaughter, Saul's curse, and God's lottery (1 Sam 13-14)
    107. The Amalekite (incomplete) genocide (1 Sam 15)
    108. God chooses David and sends an evil spirit on Saul (1 Sam 16)
    109. David and Goliath (1 Sam 17)
    110. Two hundred Philistine foreskins (1 Samuel 18)
    111. Jonathan loved David (1 Sam 19-20)
    112. David runs away from Saul (1 Sam 21-22)
    113. David cuts off Saul's skirt (1 Sam 23-24)
    114. God kills Nabal and David takes his wife (1 Sam 25)
    115. David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistines (1 Sam 26-28)
    116. The death of Saul (1 Sam 29-31)

      117. 2 Samuel

    117. David kills the messenger and becomes king (2 Sam 1-2)
    118. Am I a dog's head? The revolt and death of Abner (2 Sam 3)
    119. David becomes king of Israel (2 Sam 4-5)
    120. God kills Uzzah and David dances nearly naked (2 Sam 6-7)
    121. God gave David victory wherever he went (2 Sam 8-10)
    122. David and Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11)
    123. God kills a baby (2 Samuel 12)
    124. Come lie with me, my sister (2 Samuel 13)
    125. David runs away from his son Absalom (2 Sam 14-15)
    126. Absalom rapes his father's concubines (2 Sam 16-17)
    127. Oh Absalom, my son, my son! (2 Sam 18-19)
    128. Amasa and Sheba are murdered (2 Sam 20)
    129. Seven of Saul's sons are hung up before the Lord (2 Sam 21-23)
    130. David's census (2 Samuel 23-24)

      131. 1 Kings

    131. A virgin is found to give David some heat (1 Kings 1)
    132. Solomon murders Joab, Shimei, and his brother Adonijah(1 Kings 2)
    133. Two prostitutes and a baby (1 Kings 3-4)
    134. King Solomon's houses (1 Kings 5-9)
    135. Solomon's strange wives and concubines (1 Kings 10-11)
    136. My little finger will be thicker than my father's loins (1 Kings 12)
    137. A tale of two prophets (1 Kings 13)
    138. God kills Jeroboam's son (1 Kings 14)
    139. He left him not one that pisseth against a wall (1 Kings 15-16)
    140. Elijah and the widow's son (1 Kings 17-18)
    141. Elijah's prayer contest (1 Kings 18)
    142. Elijah is touched by an angel (1 Kings 19)

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