The Skeptic's Annotated Bible

Topical Outline

Introduction
Chapter 1
The First Creation Account 1:1-2:3
Chapter 2
The Second Creation Account 2:4-25
Chapter 3
Two trees, a talking serpent, and a fearful god 3:1-24
Chapter 4
Cain kills his brother Abel 4:1-8
The life of Cain 4:9-18
Lamech, a bigamist and a murderer 4:19-24
Adam and Eve have another boy: Seth 4:25-16
Chapter 5
Adam's family 5:1-5
From Seth to Noah: The incredibly long lives of the patriarchs 5:6-32
Chapter 6
The sons of God 6:1-4
God plans the flood 6:5-22
Chapter 7
Noah's Ark 7:1-10
The Great Flood 7:11-24
Chapter 8
The flood subsides 8:1-19
Noah's sacrifice 8:20-22
Chapter 9
God's Post Flood Instructions 9:1-7
The Rainbow 9:8-19
Noah, the drunk and naked 9:20-21
The curse of Canaan 9:22-29
Chapter 10
The Descendants of Japheth 10:1-19
The Descendants of Ham 10:20-30
The Descendants of Shem 10:31-33
Chapter 11
The Tower of Babel 11:1-9
From Shem to Abraham 11:10-26
Abraham, Sarah, and Lot travel to Haran 11:27-32
Chapter 12
Abraham travels to Canaan 12:1-9
Sarah lies for Abraham (the first time) 12:10-20
Chapter 13
Abraham, Sarah, and Lot return to Canaan. 13:1-5
Abraham and Lot split up. 13:6-9
Lot chooses Sodom for his new home. 13:10-13
God promises to give Abraham everything else. 13:14-18
Chapter 14
The Battle of Sodom and Gomorrah 14:1-24
Chapter 15
God's promise to Abraham 15:1-21
Chapter 16
Abraham impregnates Sarah's slave, Hagar. 16:1-4
Sarah forces Hagar to leave. 16:5-6
God sends an angel to retrieve Hagar. 16:7-14
Hagar gives birth to a son, Ishmael. 16:15-16
Chapter 17
God's everlasting covenant: Circumcision! 17:1-14
God promises to get Sarah pregnant. 17:15-16
Abraham laughs at God. 17:17-22
Abraham, Ishmael, and male slaves are circumcised. 17:23-27
Chapter 18
Abraham feeds God and three men. 18:1-8
Sarah laughs at God. 18:9-15
God wonders if he should tell Abraham about Sodom. 18:16-22
Abraham tries to talk God out of killing everyone in Sodom. 18:23-33
Chapter 19
Two angels come to Sodom 19:1-3
The men of Sodom ask to get to know the angels 19:4-5
Lot offers them his two virgin daughters 19:6-9
Lot and his family leave Sodom, and God destroys it 19:10-25
Lot's wife looks back, and God turns her into salt 19:25-29
Lot gets drunk and impregnates his daughters 19:30-38
Chapter 20
Abraham repeats the "She's my sister" lie. 20:1-2
God threatens to kill Abimelech and his people. 20:3-11
Abraham says it was only a half lie. 20:12-16
God opens all the wombs in Abimelech's kingdom. 20:17-18
Chapter 21
God visits Sarah and she concieves. 21:1-7
Sarah tells Abraham to abandon his first son, Ishmael. 21:8-11
God tells Abraham to do as Sarah says. 21:12-13
Abraham does as he's told. 21:14-22
Abraham swears to God. 21:23-34
Chapter 22
God tells Abraham to kill his son, Isaac. 22:1-2
Abraham prepares to kill his son for God. 22:3-10
An angel to the rescue! 22:11-15
God blesses Abraham for his willingness to kill his son. 22:16-24
Chapter 23
Sarah dies. 23:1-2
Abraham buries Sarah in a cave 23:3-20
Chapter 24
Abraham makes his servant swear to God. 24:1-9
The servant finds a wife for Isaac - Rebekah. 24:10-67
Chapter 25
Abraham takes another wife - Keturah. 25:1-4
Abraham dies, giving all his possessions to Isaac. 25:5-11
The generations of Ishmael 25:12-18
The birth of Isaac's sons, Esau and Jacob 25:19-28
Esau sells his inheritance for a bowl of lentil soup. 25:29-34
Chapter 26
God tells Isaac to visit the land of the Philistines. 26:1-6
Isaac uses his dad's famous "She's my sister" lie. 26:7-11
God blessed Isaac in the land of the Philistines. 26:12-17
Isaac digs some wells. 26:18-22
Isaac went to Beersheba. 26:23-33
Esau married Judith and Bashemath. 26:34-35
Chapter 27
Jacob and Rebekah deceive Isaac 27:1-46
Chapter 28
Isaac's instruction to his son Jacob: Don't marry a Canaanite. 28:1:5
Esau collects a third wife. 28:6-9
Jacob dreams on a pillow of stones. 28:1-17
Jacob made a pillar from one of his stone pillows. 28:18-22
Chapter 29
The story of Jacob and Rachel (and the Great Baby-Making Contest) 29:1-35
Chapter 30
The Great Baby-Making Contest Continues 30:1-24
Jacob asks Laban to let him leave. 30:25-31
Jacob's speckled and spotted cattle caper 30:32-48
Chapter 31
Jacob runs away from Laban 31:1-22
Laban catches up to Jacob 31:23-43
Laban and Jacob reach an agreement. 31:44-55
Chapter 32
Jacob meets God's host 32:1-2
Jacob prepares to meet Esau 32:3-21
Jacob has a wrestling match with God - and wins! 32:22-32
Chapter 33
Jacob meets Esau 33:1-20
Chapter 34
Shechem and Dinah 34:1-31
Chapter 35
God tells Jacob to go to Bethel and make an altar. 35:1-4
Jacob and his clan travel to Bethel. 35:5-15
Rachel dies delivering Benjamin. 35:16-21
Reuben has sex with his father's concubine. 35:22-27
Isaac dies at the age of 180. 35:28-29
Chapter 36
The generations of Esau 36:1-43
Chapter 37
Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children 37:1-4
Joseph's first dream (in which his brothers worship him) 37:5-8
Joseph's second dream (in which his family worships him) 37:9-11
Joseph's brothers get rid of Joseph 37:12-36
Chapter 38
Judah and Shuah's daughter 38:1-5
Er, Tamar, and Onan 38:6-12
Judah and Tamar 38:13-30
Chapter 39
Potiphar buys Joseph 39:1-6
Potiphar's wife 39:7-18
Joseph is imprisoned. 39:19-23
Chapter 40
The king's butler and baker 40:1-8
The butler's dream 40:9-15
The baker's dream 40:16-19
Joseph's interpretatons come true 40:20-23
Chapter 41
The Pharoah's dreams 41:1-24
Joseph interprets the Pharaoh's dreams. 41:25-46
Joseph's intrepretations come true. 41:47-57
Chapter 42
Jacob's sons travel to Egypt. 42:1-24
Jacob's sons return to Canaan. 42:25-38
Chapter 43
Jacob's sons return to Egypt 43:1-34
Chapter 44
Jacob's sons leave Egypt 44:1-3
Joseph's dishonesty about his divining cup 44:4-34
Chapter 45
Joseph identifies himself to his brothers. 45:1-8
Chapter 46
Jacob and his family travel to the land of Goshen in Egypt. 46:1-7
The names of Jacob's family 46:8-28
Joseph meets Jacob and his family. 46:29-34
Chapter 47
Pharaoh invites Jacob and his family to live in Goshen. 47:1-12
Joseph collects all the money in Egypt 47:1-12
Joseph swears to bury Jacob in Canaan. 47:28-31
Chapter 48
Jacob's (messed up) blessing of Ephraim and Manasseh 48:1-22
Chapter 49
Jacob's deathbed speech 49:1-32
Jacob dies. 49:33
Chapter 50
Jacob's burial 50:1-13
Joseph's brothers apologize to Joseph. 50:14-21
Joseph dies. 50:22-26
Introduction
Chapter 1
Jacob's family moves to Egypt. 1:1-7
The new king of Egypt mistreats the Israelites. 1:8-22
Chapter 2
The birth and infancy of Moses 2:1-10
Moses kills an Egyptian. 2:11-13
Moses flees to Midian. 2:14-15
Moses and Zipporah. 2:16-22
The king of Egypt dies. 2:23-25
Chapter 3
The Burning Bush 3:1-22
Chapter 4
God teaches Moses some magic tricks 4:1-17
Moses returns to Egypt 4:18-23
God tries to kill Moses 4:24-26
Moses and Aaron speak to the children of Israel. 4:27-31
Chapter 5
Moses, Aaron, and the Pharaoh talk about God and bricks 5:1-23
Chapter 6
Moses meets with God again. 6:1-13
The genealogy of Moses and Aaron 6:14-25
Moses has uncircumcised lips 6:26-30
Chapter 7
God prepares Moses and Aaron for their meeting with Pharaoh. 7:1-7
The rod to snake trick 7:8-12
God hardens the Pharaoh's heart. 7:13-14
The first plague of Egypt: The river turns to blood 7:15-25
Chapter 8
The second plague: Frogs 8:1-15
The third plague: Lice 8:16-19
The fourth plague: Flies 8:20-32
Chapter 9
The fifth plague: All cattle in Egypt die 9:1-7
The sixth plague: Boils 9:8-17
The seventh plague: Hail 9:18-35
Chapter 10
The eighth plague: Locusts 10:1-20
The ninth plague: Three days of darkness 10:21-29
Chapter 11
God plans the tenth plague 11:1-10
Chapter 12
God finds a way to avoid killing the wrong children. 12:1-13
Passover laws 12:14-28
The tenth plague: God kills all the Egyptian firstborn children and animals 12:29-36
The Isralites begin their Exodus from Egypt 12:37-42
More Passover laws 12:43-51
Chapter 13
Laws commemorating the Exodus 13:1-16
God leads the Israelites through the land of the Philistines. 13:17-22
Chapter 14
The Red Sea crossing 14:1-31
Chapter 15
The song of Moses 15:1-21
The waters of Marah 15:22-27
Chapter 16
Manna and Quails 16:1-36
Chapter 17
Water from a rock 17:1-7
War with Amalek 17:8-16
Chapter 18
Jethro visits Moses. 18:1-27
Chapter 19
Moses and God on Mount Sinai 19:1-25
Chapter 20
God spoke all these words. 20:1-26
(Which are often called "The Ten Commandments")
A few more commandments 20:18-26
Chapter 21
Slavery 21:2-6
Selling your daughter 21:7-9
Polygamy 21:10-11
Murder 21:12-14
Disobedient Children and Slave Stealers 21:15-17
Assault 21:18-19
Slave Beating 21:20-21
Miscarriage/Abortion 21:22-25
More Judgments on Slave Beating 21:26-27
Ox Goring 21:28-32
Chapter 22
Thieves 22:1-15
Sexual assault and misconduct 22:16-17
Witches 22:18
Sex with animals 22:19
Religious tolerance 22:20
Strangers, widows, and fatherless children 22:21-27
Reviling the gods and cursing rulers 22:28
Giving your firstborn sons (and other stuff) to God 22:29-30
Being holy and casting flesh to dogs 22:31
Chapter 23
Good Rules 23:1-11
Rules about sabbaths, gods, feasts, and sacrifice 23:12-19
More rules and promises 23:20-33
Chapter 24
Moses and God on Mount Sinai 24:1-18
Chapter 25
Stuff God wants 25:1-40
(Gold, sanctuary, ark, mercy seat, table, dishes, candlestick, snuffdishes, etc.)
Chapter 26
Tabernacle curtains 26:1-13
The tent covering 2614:
Boards, sockets, rings, and bars 26:15-30
The veil 26:31-44
Tabernacle furniture 26:34-37
Chapter 27
The altar and tabernacle court 27:1-21
Chapter 28
Holy garments for priests 28:1-43
Chapter 29
The procedure for making priests 29:1-21
Wave, heave, and sin offerings 29:22-35
Daily animal sacrifices 29:36-46
Chapter 30
Make an altar, burn incense, and sacrifice animals. 30:1-10
God's survey and tax plan 30:11-16
Priests must wash their hands and feet (or die) 30:17-21
God's holy oil and perfume 30:22-38
Chapter 31
Bezaleel and Aholiab 31:1:11
The Sabbath 31:12-18
Chapter 32
Aaron's Golden Calf 32:1-9
Moses talks God out of killing everyone 32:9-14
Moses breaks the stone tablets 32:15-20
Aaron's excuses 32:21-24
God forces people to kill their family, friends, and neighbors 32:25-32
The Lord plagued the people 32:33-35
Chapter 33
God's promises Moses a land flowing with milk and honey 33:1-3
Ornaments (God hates them) 33:4-8
God talks to Moses face to face 33:9-17
Moses asks to see God's glory 33:18-20
God shows Moses his back parts 33:21-23
Chapter 34
Replacement Tablets 34:1-28
Chapter 35
Sabbath laws 35:1-3
Stuff God wants 35:4-19
The people bring stuff to God. 35:20-29
Bezaleel and Aholiab 35:30-35
Chapter 36
Bezaleel and Aholiab make stuff for God 36:1-38
Chapter 37
Bezaleel makes more stuff for God. 37.1-29
Chapter 38
Bezaleel made everything else that God commanded. 38:1-31
Chapter 39
Bezaleel makes holy garments for priests 39:1-32
The people bring the stuff they made for God to Moses 39:33-43
Chapter 40
Setting up the tabernacle 40:1-33
A cloud covered the tabernacle at night, and a fire during the day 40:34-38
Introduction
Chapter 1: The Burnt Offering
Unblemmished male animal sacrifices 1:1-13
A dove or a pigeon 1:14-16
Chapter 2: The Meat Offering
Chapter 3: The Peace Offering
An unblemished bull or cow 3:1-5
An unblemished male or female sheep 3:6-11
A goat (blemished or unblemished, male or female) 3:12-17
Chapter 4: Sins Through Ignorance
For an individual: An unblemished bullock 4:1-12
For a congregation: A bullock (blemished or unblemished) 4:13-21
For a ruler: A young unblemished male goat 4:22-26
For a common person: A young unblemished female sheep or goat 4:27-35
Chapter 5: Unclean, Guilty, and Ignorant
Things that make you unclean and guilty 5:1-4
What to do if you are unclean and guilty 5:5-13
What to do if you sin through ignorance 5:14-19
Chapter 6
Lost and found 6:1-7
The law of the burnt offering 6:8-13
The law of the meat offering 6:14-18
Procedure for anointing priests 6:19-24
The law of the sin offering 6:25-30
Chapter 7
The law of the trespass offering 7:1-10
The law of the peace offering 7:11-21
What not to eat: fat, blood, roadkill 7:22-27
The wave offering 7:28-31
The heave offering 7:32-35
A statute forever 7:36-38
Chapter 8
Aaron and his sons become priests 8:1-36
Chapter 9: More Animal Sacrifices and the Glory of the Lord
More animal sacrifices 9:1-22
The Glory of the Lord appears and an animal sacrifice miracle 9:22-23
Chapter 10
God burns Aaron's sons to death 10:1-7
God's instructions to priests 10:8-11
Who should eat the meat offerings, wave breasts, heave shoulders, and sin offerings? 10:12-20
Chapter 11: The Law of Beasts - All Creatures Clean and Unclean
Beasts that you may eat 11:1-3
Unlcean beasts that you may not eat 11:4-12
Abominable birds (including the bat) 11:13-19
Flying creeping things that go on all four with legs above their feet 11:20-22
All other four-footed flying creeping things 11:23-47
Chapter 12
Purifying women after childbirth and circumcising boys 12:1-8
Chapter 13: The Law of Leprosy
The Law of Leprosy 13:1-28
Laws about yellow hair and itchy spots 13:29-37
The law of freckles 13:38-39
Laws about baldness 13:40-44
What to do with people with leprosy 13:45-46
The law of the plague of leprosy in a garment 13:47-59
Chapter 14: Leprosy
The Law of the Leper (for those who can afford it) 14:1-20
The Law of Leprosy (for those who can't afford the standard law) 14:21-32
House Leprosy 14:33-57
Chapter 15: Bodily Discharges
A man with a running issue out of his flesh 15:1-15
The seed of copulation 15:16-18
God's law for menstruating women 15:19-33
Chapter 16
God's warning to Aaron 16:1-2
Aaron's holy garments 16:3-6
The Scapegoat 16:7-28
The Day of Atonement: A statute forever 16:29-34
Chapter 17
Animal sacrifices 17:1-6
Sacrifices to devils 17:7-9
Eating blood 17:10-16
Chapter 18
God's sex laws 18:1-30
Chapter 19
Gods, sabbaths, and the shelf life of sacrifices 19:1-8
Some good rules (and a few contradictions) 19:9-18
Some silly rules (and a misogynistic one) 19:19-31
A few more good rules 19:32-37
Chapter 20
Molech, familiar spirits, and wizards 20:1-8
People who must be stoned (or burned) to death 20:9-16
People whose nakedness you shouldn't uncover 20:17-21
Do what God says (or he'll hate you) 20:22-26
Familiar spirits (again) 20:27
Chapter 21
God's rules for priests 21:1-24
Chapter 22
More rules for priests 22:1-33
Chapter 23
Feasts of the Lord 23:1-44
Chapter 24
God's special lamp 24:1-4
Twelve cakes for the Lord 24:5-9
God orders a blasphemer to be stoned to death 24:10-16
Miscellaneous laws. 24:17-22
The blasphemer is stoned to death 24:23
Chapter 25: Sabbath and Jubilee Years
The Sabbath year 25:1-7
The Jubilee year 25:8-55
Chapter 26: Rewards and Punishments
Rewards for obeying God 26:1-13
Punishments for disobeying God 26:14-39
How to avoid God's punishments 26:40-46
Chapter 27: Some Economic Matters
The value of human life 27:1-8
The value of animals 27:9-13
Holy houses 27:14-25
Devoted things 27:26-29
Tithes 27:30-34
Introduction
Chapter 1
Moses takes a census 1:1-46
God makes the Levites responsible for the tabernacle. 1:47-54
Chapter 2
The camps and tribes of Israel 2:1-34
Chapter 3
The sons of Aaron (God kills Nadab and Abihu) 3:1-4
Instructions for priests 3:5-13
A census of the Levites 3:14-51
Chapter 4
Duties of the sons of Kohath 4:1-49
Chapter 5
Lepers and other "defiled" people are driven from camp 5:1-4
Sin, trespass, and recompense 5:5-10
The Law of Jealousies 5:11-31
Chapter 6
How to become a Nazarite (and what to do if you are defiled) 6:1-27
Chapter 7
Animal sacrifices when dedicating the altar 7:1-89
Chapter 8
How to light the lamps 8:1-4
God replaces firstborn Israelites with Levites 8:5-22
Early (and forced) retirement for Levites 8:23-26
Chapter 9
The Passover (and how to observe it if you've touched a dead body) 9:1-14
A cloud by day, a fire at night 9:15-23
Chapter 10
Two Silver Trumpets 10:1-10
God leads the Israelites with a cloud 10:11-36
Chapter 11
The people complain (so God burns them to death) 11:1-3
The people complain (again) about the lack of food 11:4-30
God sends them quails to eat 11:31-32
God smites the people for complaining about the quails 11:33-35
Chapter 12
Miriam and Aaron criticize Moses 12:1-8
God strikes Miriam with leprosy 12:9-16
Chapter 13
Twelve spies sent to Canaan 13:1-33
Chapter 14
The people revolt against Moses and Aaron 14:1-10
God threatens to kill everyone, but Moses talks him out of it 14:11-35
God kills the ten honest spies 14:36-45
Chapter 15
How to sacrifice animals (for a sweet savor unto the Lord) 15:1-23
What to do if you sin through ignorance 15:24-31
A man gathering sticks on the sabbath is stoned to death 15:32-36
How to put fringes on garments 15:37-41
Chapter 16
Korah's Rebellion 16:1-19
God decides to kill everyone (but Moses talks him out of it) 16:20-22
God kills Korah and his companions 16:23-33
God kills 250 incense burners 16:34-40
The people complain about God's killings 16:41-42
God decides to kill everyone (again) 16:43-45
Aaron stops God's from killing everyone by burning incense 16:46-48
God kills 14,700 in a plague 16:49-50
Chapter 17
Aaron's Magic Rod 17:1-13
Chapter 18
Instructions for priests 18:1-20
Tithes 18:21-32
Chapter 19
The Red Heifer 19:1-10
Touching dead bodies, open containers, etc. 19:11-22
Chapter 20
The people complain (again) about the lack of food and water 20:1-5
Moses smites a rock (twice) and water comes out 20:6-11
God punishes Moses and Aaron for smiting the rock twice 20:12-22
Aaron dies. (Did God kill him?) 20:23-29
Chapter 21
The Israelites make a deal with God 21:1-4
God sends snakes to bite the Israelites (for complaining) 21:5-7
God tells Moses to make a fiery serpent 21:8-9
The journey from Obath 21:10-20
The Israelites take many cities with the edge of the sword 21:21-30
God delivers Og into Moses's hands 21:31-35
Chapter 22
Balak sends for Balaam 22:1-8
God tells Balaam not to curse the Israelites 22:9-19
God tells Balam to go with the men of Moab 22:20-27
Balam and his donkey have a conversation 22:28-30
Balaam goes to Moab 22:31-41
Chapter 23
Balaam's first sacrifice and speech 23:1-10
Balaam's second sacrifice and speech 23:11-16
Balaam's third sacrifice 23:27-30
Chapter 24
Balaam's third speech 24:1-9
Balaam's fourth speech 24:10-25
Chapter 25
The Israelites commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab 25:1-3
God and Moses respond 25:4-5
Phinehas stops God's plague (by murdering an interfaith couple) 25:6-18
Chapter 26
Another census 26:1-65
Chapter 27
The daughters of Zelophehad 27:1-11
Joshua replaces Moses as leader of the Israelites 27:12-23
Chapter 28
Daily animal sacrifices 28:1-8
Sabbath sacrifices 28:9-10
Monthly sacrifices 28:11-15
Passover sacrifices 28:16-25
Sacrifices on the day of the first fruits 28:26-31
Chapter 29
Sacrifices on Trumpet Blowing Day 29:1-6
Sacrifices on Holy Convocation Days 29:7-40
Chapter 30
Vows for men 30:1-2
Vows for women 30:3-16
Chapter 31
The Midianite massacre 31:1-54
Chapter 32
The children of Gad and Reuben decide not to enter to Canaan 32:1-42
Chapter 33
The journeys of the children of Israel 33:1-49
God's instructions for conquering Canaan 33:50-56
Chapter 34
The boundaries of Israel 34:1-15
The tribal princes 34:16-29
Chapter 35
God gives the Levites the suburbs 35:1-5
Cities of Refuge 35:6-15
Murderers and Revengers of Blood 35:16-34
Chapter 36
The daughters of Zelophehad (Revisited) 36:1-13
Introduction
Chapter 1
Moses's speech (Part 1) 1:1-45
Chapter 2
Moses's speech (Part 2) 2:1-37
Chapter 3
Moses's speech (Part 3) 3:1-29
Chapter 4
Moses's speech (Part 4) 4:1-40
Cities of Refuge 4:41-49
Chapter 5
The Ten(?) Commandments 5:1-21
The people hear the voice of God 5:22-33
Chapter 6
Commandments, statutes, and judgments 6:1-25
Chapter 7
How to commit genocide 7:1-26
Chapter 8
Remember the Exodus and obey the commandments 8:1-20
Chapter 9
God will destoy the giants (the Anakim) 9:1-6
Remember the times God wanted to kill everyone 9:7-21
Chapter 10
A new set of tablets 10:1-22
Chapter 11
Remember God's Killings 11:1-6
Obey the commandments 11:7-32
Chapter 12
Religious intolerance, animal sacrifice, blood, and abomiations 12:1-32
Chapter 13
Kill dreamers and prophets whose signs and wonders come true 13:1-5
Kill your family and friends if they try to change your religious beliefs 13:6-11
If a city has people who believe in other gods, kill everyone in that city 13:12-18
Chapter 14
The Israelites are God's favorite people 14:1-2
What you may and may not eat 14:3-21
Tithes 14:22-29
Chapter 15
The Sabbatical Year 15:1-6
Lend money to the poor 15:7-11
Rules for slave owners 15:12-18
Rules for sacrificing firstling males 15:19-23
Chapter 16
Three feasts: Abib, Weeks, and Tabernacles 16:1-17
Judges and officers 16:18-20
Groves and images 16:21-22
Chapter 17
Blemished animal sacrifices are abominations to God 17:1
Stone to death anyone who worships another god 17:2-7
Stone to death anyone who will not listen to a priest or judge 17:8-13
The king is chosen by God (and must not be a foreigner) 17:14-20
Chapter 18
Priests and Levites 18:1-8
Wizards, witches, and astrologers are abominations to God 18:9-14
A prophet like Moses 18:15-19
Kill false prophets 18:20-22
Chapter 19
Cities of Refuge 19:1-10
The Avenger of Blood 19:11-13
Landmarks and Witnesses 19:14-21
Chapter 20
Holy War 20:1-20
Chapter 21
What to do with a dead body 21:1-9
What to do with women captured in a holy war 21:10-14
What to do if you have two wives (one that you love and one that you hate) 21:15-17
What to do with a disobedient son 21:18-21
How to hang people on trees 21:22-23
Chapter 22
Help your neighbor 22:1-4
Clothing, roofs, and plowing 22:5-12
Non-virgin brides must be stoned to death 22:13-21
Rape (married, city, country, and unbetrothed virgin) 22:22-29
Don't take your father's wife or discover his skirt 22:30
Chapter 23
The congregation of the Lord 23:1-8
Personal hygiene: Wet dreams and defication 23:9-14
Runaway slaves 23:15-16
Whores and Sodomites 23:17-18
Vows and usury 23:19-25
Chapter 24
Divorce 24:1-4
Assorted laws 24:5-22
Chapter 25
Legal disputes (and muzzled oxen) 25:1-4
A man must marry his dead brother's wife (or she will spit in his face) 25:5-10
When to cut off a woman's hand (without pity) 25:11-12
Be honest in business 25:13-16
Remember to kill Amalekites 25:17-19
Chapter 26
Give God your first fruits 26:1-11
Help the poor and say a few words to God 26:12-19
Chapter 27
The entire law written on plastered stones 27:1-10
The twelve curses from Mount Ebal 27:11-26
Chapter 28
Blessings for obeying God 28:1-14
Curses for disobeying God 28:15-68
Chapter 29
Moses gives another speech 29:1-29
Chapter 30
Moses's speech: Part 2 30:1-20
Chapter 31
Moses's speech: Part 3 31:1-8
Moses writes and delivers the law 31:9-14
God appears and teaches Moses a song 31:15-21
Moses writes down God's song and teaches it to the people 31:22-30
Chapter 32
Moses recites the song that God taught him 32:1-47
God tells Moses to climb Mount Nebo and die 32:48-52
Chapter 33
Moses's blessing 33:1-29
Chapter 34
Moses dies 34:1-12
Introduction
Chapter 1
God talks to Joshua 1:1-9
Joshua talks to the people 1:10-15
The people answer Joshua 1:16-18
Chapter 2
Joshua's spies visit Rahab 2:1-24
Chapter 3
Crossing the Jordan River (without getting your feet wet) 3:1-17
Chapter
Twelve stones in the Jordan River 4:1-24
Chapter 5
Joshua circumcises the male Israelites (again) 5:1-8
Joshua meets the captain of God's army 5:9-15
Chapter 6
God's plans the Jericho massacre 6:1-16
The Jericho massacre 6:17-27
Chapter 7
The Amorites defeat the Israelites 7:1-10
Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death 7:11-26
Chapter 8
The Ai Massacre 8:1-35
Chapter 9
Joshua enslaves the Gibeonites 9:1-27
Chapter 10
God makes the sun and moon stand still 10:1-14
(So Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight)
Five kings hung on trees 10:15-27
Joshua kills everyone in seven cities 10:28-43
Chapter 11
The Genocide of twenty kingdoms 11:1-20
Joshua destroys the Anakim (giants) 11:21-23
Chapter 12
The Israelites kill 33 kings and take their land 12:1-24
Chapter 13
Joshua divides the conquered (and unconquered) land 13:1-33
Chapter 14
God distributes the land it by lot 14:1-15
Chapter 15
Judah's allotment 15:1-63
Chapter 16
Joseph's allotment 16:1-10
Chapter 17
The allotment for Manasseh and Ephraim 17:1-13
The children of Joseph complain 17:14-18
Chapter 18
Other tribal allotments determined by casting lots 18:1-28
Chapter 19
The allotment for Simeon 19:1-9
The allotment for Zebulun 19:10-16
The allotment for Issachar 19:17-23
The allotment for Asher 19:24-31
The allotment for Naphtali 19:32-39
The allotment for Dan 19:40-48
The allotment for Joshua 19:49-51
Chapter 20
Cities of Refuge 20:1-9
Chapter 21
Cities for Levites 21:1-45
Chapter 22
The eastern tribes return home 22:1-9
The returning tribes build an altar by the Jordan 22:10
Chapter 23
Joshua's final speech 23:1-16
Chapter 24
Joshua's final speech (continued) 24:1-28
Joshua dies 24:29-33
Introduction
Chapter 1
God delivers 10,000 Canaanites and Perizzites 1:1-4
The Israelites cut off Adonibezek's thumbs and big toes 1:5-7
The Jerusalem massacre 1:8
Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots 1:9-36
Chapter 2
An angel rebukes the Israelites 2:1-7
Joshua dies 2:8-10
The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord 2:11-13
God gets angry and sells the Israelites to their enemies 2:14-23
Chapter 3
The nations God didn't drive out 3:1-6
Othniel delivers Israel from Chushanrishathaim 3:7-11
Ehud delivers a message from God 3:12-25
God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites 3:26-30
Shamgar kills 600 with an ox goad 3:27
Chapter 4
The Lord discomfited Sisera (and killed all his men) 4:1-16
Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull 4:17-24
Chapter 5
Blessed is Jael among women
(A song by Deborah and Barak) 5:1-31
Chapter 6
The Israelites do evil and God delivers them to the Midianites 6:1-10
The call of Gideon 6:11-16
Gideon tests God 6:17-40
Chapter 7
As a dog lappeth: God selects Gideon's army 7:1-7
A cake of barley bread: A dream predicts Gideon's victory 7:8-15
The LORD set every man's sword against his fellow 7:16-24
The heads of two princes are brought to Gideon 7:25
Chapter 8
Gideon tortures the men of Succoth 8:1-16
He destroys the tower of Penuel and kills all the men in the city 8:17-19
He oders his son to kill Zebah and Zalmunna 8:20-21
Gideon's golden ephod 8:22-27
Gideon dies (leaving many wives and 70 sons) 8:28-35
Chapter 9
Abimelech murders 70 of his brothers upon a single stone 9:1-5
Talking trees 9:6-15
The curse of Jotham 9:16-21
Amalech destroys a city and burns 1000 people in a tower 9:22-49
A woman drops a millstone on Abimelech's head 9:50-57
Chapter 10
Tola and Jair 10:1-5
The Israelites do evil again in the sight of the Lord, etc. 10:6-18
Chapter 11
Jephthah is thrown out of his father's house 11:1-3
Jephthah becomes the captain 11:4-11
The king of Ammon and Jephthah exchange messages 11:12-28
The Ammonite massacre 11:29-33
Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God as a burnt offering 11:34-40
Chapter 12
A dispute about participating in a war causes a war 12:1-4
42,000 killed for mispronouncing "Shibboleth" 12:5-6
Ibzan, Elon, and Abdon 12:7-15
Chapter 13
The Israelites do evil and God delivers them to the Philistines 13:1
Samson's miraculous birth 13:2-25
Chapter 14
Samson sees a Philistine woman who pleases him well 14:1-4
Samson rips apart a lion 14:5-6
The Philistine woman pleased Samson well 14:7
Samson collects "honey" from a lion's carcass 14:8-9
Samson's riddle 14:10-18
Samson kills thirty men for their clothes14:19
Samson's Philistine wife is given to his best man 14:20
Chapter 15
Samson ties the tails of 300 foxes and sets them on fire 15:1-5
The Philistines burn Samson's wife and father-in-law 15:6
Samson smites the Philistines with a great slaughter 15:7-8
Samson kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass 15:9-20
Chapter 16
Samson has sex with a harlot 16:1
Samson carries the doors and gate posts of the city to the top of the hill 16:2-3
Samson and Delilah 16:4-20
Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack 16:21-31
Chapter 17
Micah and his mother hire a priest for their house of gods 17:1-13
Chapter 18
The Massacre of the Peaceful, Unsuspecting People 18:1-31
Chapter 19
The Levite and his concubine 19:1-30
Chapter 20
A Holy Civil War
(It had something to do with rotting, concubine body-part messages) 20:1-48
Chapter 21
The end of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins 21:1-25
Introduction
Chapter 1
The miraculous birth of Samuel 1:1-28
Chapter 2
Hannah's prayer 2:1-10
Eli's sons were sons of Belial 2:11-17
The boy Samuel ministers to God (and God visits his mom) 2:18-21
Eli's sons have sex with women at the door of the tabernacle 2:22-26
God says he will kill Eli's sons and make all his descendants die young 2:2:27-36
Chapter 3
God appears to the boy Samuel (to tell Eli the bad news) 3:1-21
Chapter 4
The Philistines kill 34,000 Israelites 4:1-10
The Philistines steal the ark (and Eli and his sons die) 4:11-22
Chapter 5
The fall of Dagon 5:1-5
God smites the people of Ashdod, Gath, and Ekron with hemorrhoids 5:6-12
Chapter 6
Five Golden Hemorrhoids 6:1-18
God kills 50,070 Israelites for looking into the ark 6:19-21
Chapter 7
The Israelites smite the Philistines 7:1-17
Chapter 8
Israel demands a king 8:1-22
Chapter 9
God and Samuel select Saul as king 9:1-27
Chapter 10
Saul is made king (after God found him hiding among the stuff) 10:1-27
Chapter 11
The men of Jabesh make a deal with the Ammonites 11:1-5
The Spirit of God comes upon Saul and he chops up some oxen 11:6-10
Saul and 330,000 Israelites slaughter the Ammonites 11:11-15
Chapter 12
Samuel has a conversation with everyone in Israel 12:1-15
Samuel and God make it thunder and rain 12:16-25
Chapter 13
Saul blows a trumpet througout Israel 13:1-8
Saul sacrifices some animals (and loses his kingdom for it) 13:9-23
Chapter 14
Jonathan's first slaughter 14:1-14
God forces the Philistines to kill each other 14:15-23
Saul's curse, God's lottery, and more killings 14:24-52
Chapter 15
The Amalekite (incomplete) Genocide 15:1-9
God rejects Saul as king (for not killing all the Amalekites) 15:10-31
Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord 15:32-35
Chapter 16
God chooses David as king 16:1-13
An evil spirit from God plagues Saul (and David makes it go away) 16:14-23
Chapter 17
David kills Goliath 17:1-58
Chapter 18
Jonathan and David (were lovers?) 18:1-4
Saul and David compete (to see who can kill more people) 18:5-16
David buys a wife (with 200 Philistine foreskins) 18:17-31
Chapter 19
Saul tries to kill David 19:1-17
Saul, the naked prophet 19:18-24
Chapter 20
The special relationship between Jonathan and David 20:1-42
Chapter 21
David flees to Nob (and lies to get holy bread and Goliath's sword) 21:1-9
David flees to Gath (where he acts insane) 21:10-15
Chapter 22
David flees to the cave Adullam 22:1-5
Saul kills the priests, people, and animals of Nob 22:6-23
Chapter 23
God tells David to smite the Philistines (So David smites them with a great slaughter) 23:1-5
God warns David (via ephod) about Saul and the people of Keilah 23:6-12
Jonathan and David have a secret meeting 23:13-18
Saul chases David around a mountain 23:19-29
Chapter 24
David cut off Saul's skirt (while he was going to the bathroom) 24:1-4
David and Saul make up (and give long speeches) 24:5-22
Chapter 25
David threatens Nabal 25:1-13
Abigail meets David 25:14-35
God kills Nabal 25:36-38
David takes Abigail for a wife (and Ahinoam) 25:39-44
Chapter 26
David takes Saul's spear and jug of water while he's sleeping 26:1-25
Chapter 27
David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistine king 27:1-12
Chapter 28
Saul visits a woman from Endor 28:1-10
Samuel rises from the dead to give Saul the bad news 28:11-25
Chapter 29
David wanted to fight with the Philistines against the Israelites 29:1-11
Chapter 30
The Amalekites attack Ziklag (and the people decide to stone David) 30:1-6
David asks God what to do (God says go kill the Amalekites) 30:7-8
David slaughters the Amalekites (and gets back all his stuff) 30:9-31
Chapter 31
Saul and his sons die (as predicted by the ghost of Samuel) 31:1-13
Introduction
Chapter 1
David kills a kind Amalekite 1:1-27
Chapter 2
David becomes king of Judah 2:1-7
Ishbosheth becomes king of Israel 2:8-11
The young men "play" before Abner and Joab 2:12-16
Squabbles between Judah and Israel 2:17-31
Chapter 3
David impregnates six women 3:1-5
Abner revolts against Ishbosheth 3:6-11
David steals Michal from her husband 3:12-16
Joel kills Abner 3:17-39
Chapter 4
Baanah and Rechab kill Ishbosheth 4:1-6
Ishbosheth's head is brought to David 4:7-8
David kills Rechab and Baanah, cuts off their hands and feet, and hangs their bodies over the pool 4:9-12
Chapter 5
David becomes king of Israel 5:1-5
David occupies Jerusalem, calling it "The City of David" 5:6-10
David takes more wives and concubines 5:11-16
God helps David smite the Philistines (twice) 5:17-25
Chapter 6
God kills Uzzah for protecting the ark 6:1-6
David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody 6:7-23
Chapter 7
David, God, and Nathan talk about houses and stuff 7:1-29
Chapter 8
God gave David victory wherever he went 8:1-18
Chapter 9
David finds someone in Saul's family to be kind to 9:1-13
Chapter 10
David comforts the Ammonites 10:1-2
David attacks the Ammonites and slaughters the Syrians 10:3-19
Chapter 11
David sends Joab to destroy the Ammonites 11:1
David impregnates Bathsheba 11:2-5
David has Uriah killed 11:6-25
David marries Bathsheba and she has a son 11:26-27
Chapter 12
Nathan's parable 12:1-4
David's response 12:5-6
That man is you. And this will be your punishment. 12:7-14
God kills a baby 12:15-23
David comforts Bathsheba and Solomon is born 12:24-25
David tortures the children of Ammon 12:26-31
Chapter 13
Amnon rapes his half-sister Tamar 13:1-19
Absalom kills Amnon for raping his sister 13:20-39
Chapter 14
The woman of Tekoah 14:1-20
Absalom comes home to Jerusalem 14:21-33
Chapter 15
Absalom conspires against David 15:1-12
David runs away (leaving his concubines to keep house) 15:13-37
Chapter 16
Ziba and David meet again 16:1-4
Shimei curses and throws stones at David 16:5-14
Absalom has sex with his father's ten concubines (in front of all the people) 16:15-23
Chapter 17
Ahithophel's plan 17:1-4
Hushai's plan 17:5-13
Hushai's plan is accepted (so God could bring evil on Absalom) 17:14
David is warned 17:15-22
Ahithophel hangs himself 17:23-29
Chapter 18
David's men fight Absalom, killing 20,000 Israelites 18:1-8
Absalom is killed 18:9-33
Chapter 19
David crosses the Jordan River 19:1-43
Chapter 20
Sheba blew a trumpet 20:1-2
David punishes his concubines (for being publicly raped by his son Absalom) 20:3
Joab murders Amasa (by smiting him under the fifth rib) 20:4-14
Sheba is decapitated 20:15-26
Chapter 21
Seven sons are hung up before the Lord to end a famine 21:1-14
More wars and giant killing 21:15-22
Chapter 22
David's song to God 22:1-51
Chapter 23
David's last words 23:1-7
David's 36 (or 37) mighty men 23:8-39
Chapter 24
God tells David to have a census 24:1-9
God kills 200,000 people because of the census 24:10-25
Introduction
Chapter 1
A virgin is found to give David some heat 1:1-4
Adonijah tries to become king 1:5-10
Bathsheba makes Solomon king 1:11-43
Chapter 2
David's last words: Murder Joab and Shimei 2:1-9
Solomon kills his brother, Adonijah 2:10-25
Solomon kills Joab and Shimei 2:26-46
Chapter 3
Solomon "takes" the Pharaoh's daughter and sacrifices 1000 animals to God 3:1-4
God appears to Solomon in a dream 3:5-15
Two prostitutes and a baby 3:15-28
Chapter
All the king's men 4:1-19
Solomon was wiser than Heman 4:20-34
Chapter 5
Materials for the temple 5:1-18
Chapter 6
Solomon builds a house for God 6:1-38
Chapter 7
Solomon builds a much larger house for himself 7:1-51
Chapter 8
The ark is brought into the temple 8:1-66
Chapter 9
God threatens Solomon 9:1-9
Hiram didn't like the cities Solomon gave him
(but he gave Solomon lots of gold anyway) 9:10-28
Chapter 10
The Queen of Sheba gives Solomon gold 10:1-13
King Solomon's stuff 10:14-29
Chapter 11
Solomon's strange wives and concubines 11:1-13
God stirred up two adversaries to Solomon, Hadad and Rezon 11:14-25
God gives ten tribes to Jeroboam 11:26-40
Solomon dies 11:41-43
Chapter 12
The people of Israel rebel against Rehoboam 12:1-24
Jeroboam's golden calves 12:24-33
Chapter 13
The man of God from Judah 13:1-10
A tale of two prophets 13:11-34
Chapter 14
God kills Jeroboam's son (and promises to kill his family and descendants) 14:1-19
Sodomites and groves under every tree in Judah 14:20-31
Chapter 15
Abijam wasn't perfect like David 15:1-8
Asa was intolerant (but perfect in the eyes of the Lord) 15:9-24
Nadab did evil in the sight of the Lord 15:25-26
Baasha kills Nadab and becomes king of Israel 15:27-28
Baasha kills Jeroboam's family "according to the word of the Lord" 15:29-34
Chapter 16
God tells Jehu that he will kill Baasha's family 16:1-7
Baasha's son Elah becomes king, and is killed by Zimri 16:8-10
Zimri kills Baasha's family and friends 16:11-14
Zimri is king for a week. Then he burns to death. 16:15-20
Omri becomes king. 16:21-28
After Omri dies, his son Ahab becomes king. 16:29-34
Chapter 17
Elijah is fed by ravens 17:1-6
A widow provides for Elijah 17:7-16
Elijah and the widow's son 17:17-24
Chapter 18
Elijah talks to Obadiah about visiting Ahab 18:1-15
The light-my-fire contest (to determine whose god is God) 18:16-39
After winning the contest, Elijah kills the losers 18:40-46