"And Adam knew his wife; and she conceived." This is the first sexual intercourse
mentioned in the Bible. 4:1
"And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? The Bible
doesn't mention any of Cain's sisters. Well, maybe he married his mom. In any case, Cain and
the mysterious Mrs. Cain have a son (another blue cigar!). His name is Enoch and he builds a
city (population 3). 4:17
"And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son." Way to go Adam!
"The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men."
"The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men" producing "the mighty men of old, men of
renown." 6:2, 4
"Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent."
The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies
around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah
sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at
him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A
servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." 9:20-25
"And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger
son had done unto him."
What did Ham do? Did he just look at his naked father or was there something more to it than that?
Some commentators have suggested that Ham committed homosexual rape on his drunken father, and that
this was why Ham's descendants were eternally punished with slavery. 9:24
Poor Pharaoh couldn't resist the "very fair" Sarai, and he takes her into
his harem. 12:15
Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for children. (In
the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She sends Abram into her
handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by her." Abram gladly complies.
God establishes his covenant with Abram: "This is my covenant ... every man child
among you shall be circumcised. And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin." It seems
that penises are supremely important to god. 17:10-11, 23-24
Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God
when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her
"Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and
impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14
The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5
God kills everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah. This was because, so say the
Christian Right, some homosexuals lived there. 19:4-5,
Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters"
instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your
eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in
2 Pet.2:7-8. 19:8
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just
and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and
bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story.
"The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah
conceived and bare Abraham a son." 21:1-2
Abraham makes his servant put his hand under his thigh while swearing to God.
Weird. Of course "putting his hand under his thigh" is just a polite euphemism for "holding his
testicles in his hand." Come to think of it, maybe it isn't so weird at all -- coming as it does
from a god that is completely obsessed with male genitalia. (See
32, and Dt.23:1) for
just a few examples.) I guess it's sort of like swearing on the bible.
"And the damsel was fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her." (Oh
Unfortunately the king "looked out a window, and saw, behold, Isaac was sporting with
Rebekah his wife." But Isaac grew rich from the lie anyway, just as his father had.
Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so
that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her
[Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was
going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too.
Jacob finally gets to "go in unto" Rachel. He loved Rachel more than Leah. 29:30
"Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she
cannot produce children for her husband. But luckily she has an idea. She says to
Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way
as did Sarah (16:2). "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah
conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements rarely produce daughters.)
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare
Jacob a son." 30:9
Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob cam
home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's
mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is
teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her
brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised),
and then take their wives and children captive. 34:1-31
"Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine."
Judah has casual sex with a Canaanite woman which results in two sons, Er and Onan.
After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto thy brother's wife." But "Onan
knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he
spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew
him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many
Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control.
Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a
prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee ....
And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins
(38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of
Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18
After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is
with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be
Joseph is seduced by Potiphar's wife. He rejects her advances, but she claims he
"came in unto" her. 39:7-18
Joseph swears by putting his hand under Jacob's thigh -- a euphemism
for holding his testicles in his hand. 47:29
God promised to bring Jacob safely back from Egypt (Gen.46:3-4), but God doesn't
keep his promise and Jacob dies in Egypt. 49:27
Jacob says that Reuben will "not excel" because he "went up to [his] father's couch [had
sex with his father's wife]." (see Gen.35:22)
God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah
"took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So
he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins. 4:24
Moses, like a coach giving instructions to the team before the big game, tells the men to "come not at your wives" before
he goes up to Mt. Sinai. 19:15
God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are
a problem.) 20:26
"Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just
send them to counseling or something? 22:19
Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them
mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. 32:1-35
Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf.
"Their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods." God always blames the
women; it is they who "go a whoring" and then "make" the men "go a whoring." 34:16
"Or if he touch the uncleanness of man ... he shall be guilty."
If you touch "the uncleanness of man" (?!) you'll be guilty. 5:3
Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a
"running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him
that is clean..." 15:1-15
"Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean."
"And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:6
"And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:7
"And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:8
"And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean." 15:9
"And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even." 15:10
"And whomsoever he toucheth ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:11
"And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth ... shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water."
"He that hath an issue ... shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing ... and shall be clean." 15:13
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself,
your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible.
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16
"And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17
"The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water,
and be unclean until the even." 15:18
"This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers,
and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean."
Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them
to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is
apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman.
Don't "lie with any beast." You probably weren't planning on doing this, but now
you know just in case you get the urge sometime. 18:23
Don't "go a whoring" after Molech or "commit adultery with him." (Don't you love it
when God talks dirty?) 20:5
Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring"
after them either. 20:6
If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11
If a man has sex with his daughter in law, kill them both. 20:12
If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13
If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three
of your must be burned to death. 20:14
If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor animal are to be
Don't have sex with your sister, uncle's wife, or your brother's wife -- and tell
them to wear clothes whenever you're around. 20:17,
If a man has sex with a menstruating woman, they both "shall be cut off from among their
"Neither shall he [the priest] profane his seed among his people." (His seed is holy.)
A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God."
A man who has a "running issue" or "whose seed goeth from
him" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be
The people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab." 25:1
Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and
children captive. When Moses learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill
every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children,
that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back and did as Moses (and
presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow!
(Even God gets some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54
If you see a pretty woman among the captives and would like her for a wife, then just bring her home and "go in
unto her." Later, if you decide you don't like her, you can "let her go." 21:11-14
If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. If
her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's
"If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die."
If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough, then "the men of the city shall stone her to
If a woman is raped in the country, then only the man shall die (since there was no one
to hear her if she cried out.) 22:25
If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels of silver and then marry her.
"A man shall not take his father's wife, nor discover his father's skirt." 22:30
You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off.
God lays down the law regarding wet dreams. "If there be among you any man that is not clean by reason of
uncleanness that chanceth him by night ..." 23:10
If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead
man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye
shall not pity her." 25:11-12
"Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." (Why?)
"Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen."
"Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen."
"Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen."
"Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her." 28:30
Joshua's spies visit and "came unto" a prostitute in Jericho. They weren't very discreet about it either, since
the King of Jericho soon found out about it. The king's officials ask Rahab to "bring forth the men
that are come to thee." 2:1-4
At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again the children of Israel the second time"
(ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-3
A man of God came unto me [Samson's mom]."
She didn't ask him any questions and he didn't tell her his name. 13:6
"The angel of God came again unto the woman
as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her."
Husbands are never around when angels come unto women and make them pregnant. 13:9
"Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father ...
Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well." 14:1-3
After ripping up the lion, Samson went to visit the Philistine woman that he fell in lust with earlier. "And she pleased Samson well."
"If ye had not plowed with my heifer"
Samson called his wife a heifer and accuses the Philistines of having sex with her.
Samson wants to have sex with his wife in the bedroom, but his father-in-law won't let him.
"Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her."
"Afterward ... he loved a woman ... whose name was Delilah." 16:4
After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of
perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an
ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of
Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) advises Ruth as to how to best seduce Boaz.
She tells her to wait until he is a bit
drunk and has fallen asleep. Then "go in and uncover his feet [a biblical euphemism for male genitals], and lay thee
down; and he will tell thee what to do." 3:3-4
Ruth does as Naomi says, and then at midnight Boaz wakes up and finds Ruth "at his feet." He asks who she is,
and she says, "I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore your skirt over thine handmaid."
Boaz seems agreeable to the suggestion and says, "I will do thee all that thou requirest." Next he asks her to
"Tarry this night ... lie down until the morning." so Ruth "lay at his feet until morning."
Boaz "went in unto" Ruth and "the Lord gave her conception, and she bare a son."
"And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something
like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy,
another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20
"And the Lord visited Hannah [again], so that she conceived." Did he get her pregnant in the usual way?
The sons of Eli had sex with women "at the door of the tabernacle." 2:22
David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal).
Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
The priest tells David that he and his men can eat the "hallowed" bread if "they have kept themselves at least
from women." David assures the priest that they have and that "the vessels of the young men are holy." So it'd be OK
for them to eat the holy bread. 21:4-5
David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines."
Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27).
King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. When Michal criticizes him for exposing himself, God punishes her by
having "no child unto the day of her death." Although 2 Sam.21:8 says that she had five sons (which were sacrificed
to God by David to stop God from starving people to death). 6:14-23
David sees a woman (Bathsheba) bathing and likes what he sees. so he sends for her and commits adultery
with her "for she was purified from her uncleanness." She conceives and bears a son (of course).
God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will have David's wives raped by his
neighbor while everyone else watches. It turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's
own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12
After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears
another son (Solomon). 12:24
Ammon (David's son) says to his half-sister Tamar, "Come lie with me, my sister." But she resists, so he rapes her
and then sends her away. Tamar, knowing that she now belongs to him (since she was a virgin), expects him to marry her, but he
Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." This was according the God's plan
as announced in 12:11-12. 16:21-22
To punish his ten concubines for
being raped by his son, Absalom (See 16:21-22),
David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to
"keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3
The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's
not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity
was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then
tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3
God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder."
In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered."
Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord."
"Tremble, ye women that are at ease .. strip you, and make you bare ... They shall lament for the teats."
Jeremiah insults people by calling them "harlots" who have sex on every hill and
under every tree. 2:20
God compares Jerusalem's sinful ways to a promiscuous woman, or a wild donkey in heat. 2:24
"Thou hast played the harlot with many lovers." 3:1
"In the ways thou hast sat for them, as the Arabian in the wilderness;
and thou hast polluted the land with thy whoredoms. 3:2
More talk of harlots who have sex under every tree. 3:6
Judah commits adultery with "stocks and stones." 3:9
Jeremiah just can't quit talking about sex under the trees. 3:13
"As fed horses in the morning: everyone neighed after his neighbor's wife."
God compares the destruction of Jerusalem to the rape of a woman who deserves to be raped because
she has sinned. 13:22
God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by
lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and abominations and
whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it! 13:26-27
Seeing that it is the time for love, God spreads his skirt over Jerusalem to cover her
God dresses up Jerusalem,
cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments her on her nice hair
and breasts. 16:6-7, 22
Jerusalem was a harlot who had sex with everyone that passed by. 16:15-16
"Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with
"Thou ... hast opened thy feet to every one that passed by." 16:25
"Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy neighbours, great of flesh." (Jerusalem
had sex with Egyptians with big penises.) 16:26
Jerusalem still wasn't satisfied after having sex with the the well-endowed Egyptians
(v.26), so she had sex with the Assyrians too. Yet she still wasn't satisfied.
So she had sex with the men of Canaan and Chaldea, but still was not satisfied.
God calls Jerusalem "an imperious whorish woman." 16:30
God says that Jerusalem has sex with strangers, hiring them to "come in unto thee on every side."
Because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her nakedness
before all of her lovers. 16:35-36
After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once
Information from God about discovering the nakedness
of fathers, committing adultery with neighbor's wives, sex with menstruating women,
daughters-in-law, sisters, etc. 22:1-11
Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and
bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was
discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the
surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off"
her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death.
"Their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity." 23:3
"Thus she committed her whoredoms with them ... with all their idols she defiled herself." 23:7
"They bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her." 23:8
"These discovered her nakedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword." 23:10
"Her sister ... was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and
in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms." 23:11
"And the Babylonians came
to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom,
and she was polluted with them." 23:17
"So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness ... she multiplied her whoredoms." 23:18-19
Really Big Penises. One of the sister (Aholibah) had lovers
"whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses."
"The lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth." 23:21
"They shall also strip
thee out of thy clothes, and take away thy fair jewels." 23:26
"Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD." 23:34
"They went in unto her, as they go in unto a woman that playeth the harlot." 23:44
"And the righteous men, they shall judge them after the manner of adulteresses, and after the manner of women that shed blood;
because they are adulteresses, and blood is in their hands." 23:45
God makes "all their loins to be at a stand" and then cuts them
God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks
them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or
he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3
God says he "will discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers." 2:10
God tells Hosea to "love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress." 3:1
Israel has "gone a whoring" and has "loved a reward upon every cornfloor." 9:1