Proverbs
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31

Good Stuff
Absurdities
Injustice
Contradictions
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Proverbs: Absurdity

  1. "The proverbs of Solomon"
    The book of Proverbs was written several centuries after Solomon supposedly lived. So it wasn't written by Solomon. It was forged by someone who claimed to be Solomon. 1:1, 10:1

  2. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge." 1:7

  3. "Whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil."
    Whoever listens to God (or wisdom, or whoever is talking here) will always be safe. 1:33

  4. "The LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding." 2:6

  5. If you keep the commandments, you'll have a long and peacful life. 3:1-2

  6. "Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to understand things; just accept whatever the bible and your religious leaders tell you. 3:5

  7. If you give money to God, he will make you rich and you'll have lots of wine. 3:9-10

  8. "A naughty person, a wicked man ... winketh with his eyes."
    Naughty, wicked people wink. (Like Sarah Palin) 6:12-13, 10:10

  9. God never allows good people to go hungry or the wicked to become wealthy. 10:3

  10. "The lips of the righteous feed many."
    Righteous people feed the hungry just by talking. 10:21

  11. "The desire of the righteous shall be granted."
    Righteous people get whatever they want. 10:24

  12. "The fear of the LORD prolongeth days." 10:27a

  13. "The years of the wicked shall be shortened." 10:27b

  14. "The righteous is delivered out of trouble." 11:8

  15. "The seed of the righteous shall be delivered." 11:21

  16. "The liberal soul shall be made fat." 11:25

  17. There shall no evil happen to the just."
    Bad things only happen to bad people. 12:21

  18. "The way of righteousness is life: and in the pathway thereof there is no death."
    Righteous people never die, they just smell that way. 12:28

  19. The soul of the diligent shall be made fat."
    God makes the diligent fat. (Lazy people are skinny and poor.) 13:4

  20. How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are the ones who get plenty to eat, and wicked are the ones who go hungry. 13:25

  21. "The eyes of the Lord are in every place." 15:3

  22. "A good report maketh the bones fat." 15:30

  23. "The fear of the LORD is the instruction of wisdom." 15:33

  24. "When a man's ways please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him." 16:7

  25. "A divine sentence is in the lips of the king: his mouth transgresseth not in judgment." 16:10

  26. "The throne is established by righteousness." 16:12

  27. "Righteous lips are the delight of kings." 16:13

  28. "In the light of the king's countenance is life; and his favour is as a cloud of the latter rain." 16:15

  29. "The hoary head [gray hair] is a crown of glory." 16:31

  30. All games of chance (gambling) are controlled by God. 16:33

  31. If you're afraid of God, nothing bad will ever happen to you. 19:23

  32. "A slothful man hideth his hand in his bosom, and will not so much as bring it to his mouth again"
    I'm not sure what this means exactly, but I like to quote it to my son. 19:24

  33. "The fear of a king is as the roaring of a lion: whoso provoketh him to anger sinneth against his own soul."
    It's a sin to make a king angry. 20:2

  34. A king that sitteth in the throne of judgment scattereth away all evil with his eyes." 20:8

  35. "How can a man ... understand his own way?"
    Humans can't figure things out on their own. 20:24

  36. "The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly." 20:27

  37. "The beauty of old men is the grey head." 20:29

  38. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." 20:30

  39. "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will." 21:1

  40. Those who are humble and fear God will live long and prosper. 22:4

  41. Don't eat dinner with a person who has an "evil eye." 23:6

  42. "Yea, my reins shall rejoice." ("Reins" is the Bible's word for kidneys.) 23:16

  43. Every man shall kiss his lips that giveth a right answer. 24:26

  44. "The heaven for height, and the earth for depth, and the heart of kings is unsearchable." 25:3

  45. "Take away the wicked from before the king, and his throne shall be established in righteousness." 25:5

  46. "Answer not a fool according to his folly ... Answer a fool according to his folly." 26:4-5

  47. "As a thorn goeth up into the hand of a drunkard, so is a parable in the mouths of fools." 26:9

  48. "The slothful hideth his hand in his bosom; it grieveth him to bring it again to his mouth." 26:15

  49. "He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him." 27:14

  50. "They that seek the LORD understand all things." 28:5

  51. "Happy is the man that feareth alway." 28:14

  52. "To have respect of persons is not good." (Treat everyone with disrespect.) 28:21

  53. If you are greedy then you must have an "evil eye." 28:22

  54. "He that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat."
    So that's why there are so many fat Christians! (And starving non-Christians.) 28:25

  55. "He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool." 28:26

  56. "Whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe." 29:25

  57. "Every word of God is pure. See Ezekiel 23:20 and Malachi 2:3 for just two examples of the "pure word of God." 30:5

  58. One of the four "wonderful" things is "the way of a man with a maid." 30:18-19

  59. "The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33

  60. Don't give your strength to women. 31:3

  61. "Who can find a virtuous woman?" Virtuous men are much more common. 31:10
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