Job
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42


Absurdities
Boring
Science and History
Injustice
Contradictions
Cruelty and Violence
Good Stuff
Family Values
Women
Language

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Drunk With Blood:
God's killings in the Bible

By Steve Wells

Job: Absurdity

  1. Job was a perfect man, the richest in all the east. He had 7 sons and 3 daughters that liked to party. The sons often invited their sister over to party with them. 1:1-4

  2. "There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect."
    Nobody's perfect. Well, except for Job (and Noah). 1:1

  3. God makes a bet with his son, Satan. God tells Satan to do nasty things to Job to see if he can get him to curse God to his face. 1:6-12

  4. The sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them."
    Satan is the son of God -- the only one that God ever seems to talk to. 1:6, 2:1

  5. God asks where Satan has been lately (apparently God didn't know), and Satan answered saying, "From walking to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down on it." This verse inspired Mark Twain's Letters From the Earth.. 1:7, 2:2

  6. God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12

  7. God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't "foolishly" blame God. Since God was responsible, why would it be foolish to blame God? 1:20-22

  8. God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react. 2:3-7

  9. "So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7

  10. "They rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads." 2:12

  11. "Is there any taste in the white of an egg?" 6:6

  12. Does God pervert Justice? Well, if you believe the Bible he sure as hell does! 8:3

  13. "He runneth upon me like a giant." 16:14
  14. "I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin, and defiled my horn in the dust." 16:15

  15. Job says "my breath is strange to my wife." Mine too. 19:17

  16. "His breasts are full of milk." 21:24

  17. When things were going well for Job he washed his steps with butter and rocks poured out rivers of oil. 29:6

  18. Job's "bowels boiled." Now that doesn't sound pleasant. 30:27

  19. Job is the brother of dragons. 30:29

  20. "For God speaketh in a dream ... He openeth the ears of men, and sealeth their instruction." 33:14-16

  21. "By the breath of God frost is given." 37:10

  22. "Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind." 38:1

  23. "Gird up thy loins now like a man." 38:3, 40:7
  24. The morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy." 38:7

  25. God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it. 38:13

  26. God has snow and hail stored up to use later in time of trouble and war. 38:22

  27. "Out of whose womb came the ice?" Gosh, I don't know. Was it Glinda, the Good Witch of the North? 38:29

  28. "Who can stay the bottles of heaven?" Gosh, I don't know. I didn't even know there were any bottles in heaven. 38:37

  29. "Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" The unicorn referred to here is probably not the single-horned mythical creature, but rather a wild ox that was mistranslated in the KJV. 39:9-10

  30. Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor." 40:15-16

  31. "Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?" 41:1

  32. After God and Satan get done tormenting Job, God gave Job even more stuff than he had before, including children. God gave Job another set of 10 kids, with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15

  33. Job lived to be 140 years old. 42:16


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