"Of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it."
Why not? What's wrong with knowing right from wrong? 2:17
"In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children. ... Thy husband ... shall rule over thee."
God punishes Eve, and all women after her, with the pains of childbirth and subjection to
God likes Abel's dead animals better than Cain's fruits and vegetables. Why? Well, no
reason is given, but it probably has something to do with the amount of pain, blood, and gore
Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be punished
sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24
"I will destroy ... both man and beast."
God is angry. He decides to destroy all humans, beasts, creeping things, fowls, and "all
flesh wherein there is breath of life." He plans to drown them all.
"Every living substance that I have made will I destroy."
God repeats his intention to kill "every living substance ... from off the face of the earth."
But why does God kill all the innocent animals? What had they done to deserve his wrath? It
seems God never gets his fill of tormenting animals. 7:4
"All flesh died that moved upon the earth."
God drowns everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears -- all
creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all. 7:21-23
"Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever
they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to
animals and environmental destruction. 9:2
The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies
around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah
sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at
him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A
servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." This is a typical case of biblical
justice, and is one of many Bible passages that have been used to justify slavery. 9:20-25
"I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee."
God will bless you if you bless Abraham and curse you if you curse Abraham. Fuck Abraham. 12:3
God sends a plague on the Pharaoh and his household because the Pharaoh believed
Abram's lie. 12:17
God gives Abraham and his descendants all of the land of Canaan forever. This
promise is still used to justify the unending battles over the land in the
Middle East. 13:14-15, 17:8
Hagar conceives, making Sarai jealous. Abram tells Sarai to do to Hagar whatever she
wants. "And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled." 16:6
The angel tells Hagar to return and submit to her abusive owner, Sarai. 16:8-9
God tells Abram that all males must be circumcised, even those whom Abram
had bought with money. There isn't the slightest evidence in this passage, or in any other in the
Bible, that the biblical God disapproves of slavery. 17:12-13,
An uncircumcised boy is to be abandoned by his parents and community. 17:14
Abraham begs God not to kill everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah. [Which is odd,
since later (Genesis 22:2-10) Abraham doesn't even question God's request that he kill his own
son.] He asks God two good questions: "Wilt thou destroy the righteous with the wicked?" and
"Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?" 18:23-25
"I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19.
Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would
God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32
Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters"
instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your
eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8.
Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and
righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14
God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom and Gomorrah
by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven." Well, almost everyone -- he
spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his family.19:24
Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt.
God gets angry with king Abimelech, though the king hasn't even touched Sarah. He
says to the king, "Behold, thou art but a dead man," and threatens to kill him and all of his
people. To compensate for the crime he never committed, Abimelech gives Abraham sheep,
oxen, slaves, silver, and land. Finally, after Abraham "prayed unto God," God lifts his
punishment to Abimelech, "for the Lord had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of
Abimelech, because of Sarah." 20:3-18
God "closed all the wombs" because Abimelech believed Abe's lie. 20:18
Sarah, after giving birth to Isaac, gets angry again at Hagar (see
16:5-6) and tells Abraham to 'cast out this bondwoman and her son." God commands Abraham to
"hearken unto her voice." So Abraham abandons Hagar and Ishmael, casting them out into the
wilderness to die. 21:10-14
After the water ran out, Hagar left Ishmael alone to die. But God heard the infant crying, so he had an angel cry to
Hagar from heaven, telling her not to worry. God heard the child's cry and opened Hagar's eyes so she could see a well,
filled with water. God said he'd make Ishmael a great nation, and the child became an archer. 21:14-20
God orders Abraham to kill Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham shows his love for
God by his willingness to murder his son. But finally, just before Isaac's throat is slit, God
provides a goat to kill instead. 22:2-13
Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God. Only an evil God would ask a father to do that; only a bad
father would be willing to do it. 22:10
"Because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son." Why did God love Abraham so much?
Because he was willing to murder his son for him. (Greater evil hath no man than this, that he is willing to kill his own son for God.)
God blessed Abraham by giving him lots of slaves. 24:35
"Abraham gave all that he had unto Isaac."
Abraham gave everything he had to Isaac, ignoring his other sons (Ishmael, Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian,Ishbak, and Shuah),
as well as all of his nameless and unmentioned daughters, along with God knows how many other children he had with his other concubines.
Isaac loved Esau because Esau was a hunter and Isaac loved venison. Rebekah loved Jacob, but God hated Esau (see
Romans 9:13). No reason is given for why one son is loved while
the other is hated. But since God chose to act this way, it must have been as an example for parents to follow. Have
you decided which of your children to hate? 25:28
God blessed Isaac (like his father Abraham before him) with many slaves.
Jacob, with coaching from his mother, obtains Isaac's blessing by lying. God seems to
have been fooled as well. 27:19
Jacob offers to work for seven years to pay for Rachel. As it turns out, he is tricked
into having sex with her sister, Leah, instead, so he has to work for another seven years so in order
to pay for them both. 29:18-30
As part of the deal with Jacob, Zilpah and Bilhah (Laban's slaves) are handed
over to Leah and Rachel. 29:24, 29
Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her
brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised),
and then take their wives and children captive. 34:1-31
"The terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them." 35:5
"And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him."
What did Er do to elicit God's wrath? The Bible doesn't say. Maybe he picked up some sticks
on Saturday. 38:7
After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto they brother's wife." But "Onan
knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he
spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew
him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many
Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control.
After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is
with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be
God brought a seven year, "very grievous" famine on the whole earth for no apparent reason (except maybe to make Joseph wealthy).
Moses murders an Egyptian after making sure that no one is looking. 2:11-12
"I will ... smite Egypt with all my wonders." 3:20
Why are some people born with disabilities? Because God deliberately makes them that way. 4:11
God begins the process of "hardening Pharaoh's heart", thus making
it impossible for any of the plagues that God sends to have any beneficial effect.
(see also 7:3, 13, 9:12, 10:1, 20,
27, 11:10, 14:4, 8) 4:21
God threatens to kill Pharaoh's firstborn son. 4:23
God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. 4:24-26
Moses and Aaron ask the Pharaoh to let all the Israelites go into the desert to pray for three days, or else God
will kill them all "with pestilence, or with the sword." 5:3
God will make sure that Pharaoh does not listen to Moses, so that he can kill Egyptians with his armies.
"And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD." Who else could be so cruel and unjust? 7:5,
God sent flies on everyone in Egypt except for in Goshen, where the Israelites lived. 8:22
God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the
famous 10 plagues of Egypt. 7:17-24
The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. But a
little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God
kills them again a couple more times. 9:6
The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast. 9:9-12
"For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is
none like me in all the earth." Who else but the biblical god could be so cruel? 9:14
God gave power to the Pharaoh so that he could show off his own power by killing him. 9:15-16
"Only in the land of Goshen, where the children of Israel were, was there no hail." 9:22
The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and
God wants to be remembered forever for the mass murder of little children. 10:2
"Let every man borrow of his
neighbour, and every woman of her neighbour, jewels of silver and jewels of gold."
God tells the Israelites to steal silver and gold from the Egyptians. 11:2
These verses clearly show that the mass murder of innocent children by God was
premeditated. (see 12:29-30) 11:4-6
God will kill the Egyptian children to show that he puts "a difference between the Egyptians and Israel."
God explains to Moses that he intends to "smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast.
After God has sufficiently hardened the Pharaoh's heart, he kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. When he was finished
"there was not a house where there was not one dead." Finally, he runs out of little babies to kill, so he slaughters the firstborn
cattle, too. 12:29-30
After God killed all the firstborn Egyptians, the Pharaoh told Moses to "go serve the LORD ...
be gone, and bless me also." 12:31-32
God encourages the Israelites to steal from the
No stranger, foreigner, or uncircumcised person can eat the Passover. 12:43, 45, 48
"But every man's servant that is bought for money...." Once again, God shows his approval
of slavery. 12:44
To commemorate the divine massacre of the Egyptian children, Moses instructs the Israelites to "sacrifice to the
Lord all that openeth the matrix" -- all the males, that is. God has no use for dead, burnt female bodies.
13:2, 12, 15
"I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour." 14:17
"And the Egyptians shall
know that I am the LORD, when I have gotten me honour upon Pharaoh, upon his
chariots, and upon his horsemen." 14:18
"And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the sea, that
the waters may come again upon the Egyptians." 14:26
"And Israel saw that great work which the LORD did upon the Egyptians." 14:31
If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did to the Egyptians).
But otherwise.... 15:26
When the people complain to Moses, he tells them they aren't complaining about him, but about God, making
them apostates and heretics, and therefore deserve severe punishment. Religious leaders have
used this tactic ever since. 16:8
Joshua, with God's approval, kills the Amalekites "with the edge of the sword." 17:13
"I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven." 17:14
"The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." So God
is still fighting Amalek. I hope Moses can still keep his hand up. 17:14-16
Any person or animal that touches Mt. Sinai shall be stoned to death or "shot through." Did Moses impose such severe
penalties because he feared that someone might see him fake his meeting with God?
Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live.
"I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth
generation." Any god that would make such a statement is worse than jealous, although that would be bad enough. He is cruel and
unjust as well. 20:5
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ... manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing
that is thy neighbour's." In the Bible, slaves (servants in the KJV) are the rightful property of
slave-owners; they are his possessions -- like an ox or an ass. 20:17
God gives instructions for killing and burning animals. He says that if we will make such "burnt offerings," he will bless
us for it. What kind of mind would be pleased by the killing and burning of innocent animals?
God sets down the rules regarding Hebrew slaves. You can buy one, but you must set him free on the seventh year. But if
you have "given" him a wife and she bears children, then you get to keep the wife and kids. If he refuses to leave his family when
his seven years are up, then bore a hole through his ear and keep him forever. (That sounds fair!)
"His master shall bore his ear through with an aul; and he shall serve him for ever." 21:6
How to sell your daughter -- and what to do if she fails to please her new master.
A child who hits or curses his parents must be executed. 21:15, 17
Slavery is approved by God, and those who steal slaves must be killed.
It's OK with God if you slowly beat your slaves to death. After all, they are your money.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. 21:24-25
It's okay to beat your slaves; even if they die you won't be punished,
just as long as they survive a day or two after the beating (see verses 21:20-21).
But avoid excessive damage to their eyes or teeth. Otherwise you may have to set them free. 21:26-27
If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned."
If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner,
then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.".
If an ox gores a slave, the owner of the ox must pay the owner of the slave 30 shekels of silver,
and "the ox shall be stoned." 21:32
If a thief is caught and is too poor to make a complete restitution, then he is to be sold to pay for his theft.
If you "entice" an "unmarried maid" to "lie" with you, then you must marry her, unless the father refuses to give her to you,
in which case you must pay him the going price for virgins. 22:16
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Thousands of innocent women have suffered excruciating deaths because of this
"Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just
send them to counseling or something? 22:19
"He who sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the Lord only, he shall be utterly destroyed." If this commandment is obeyed,
then the four billion people who do not believe in the biblical god must be killed. 22:20
If you make God angry enough, he will kill you and your family with his own sword. 22:24
"The firstborn of thy sons thou shalt give unto me." (As a burnt offering?) 22:29
God promises to "send his fear before the Israelites" and
to kill everyone that they encounter when they enter the promised land.
"The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel." The Christian Right uses this verse
to justify an absolute flat tax, where everyone, rich or poor, pays the same dollar amount in taxes. 30:15
Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper.
Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." 30:33
And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38
Those who break the Sabbath are to be executed. 31:14
Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the
people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them
mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader.
"And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people." But how could a good God even consider doing
evil to anyone? 32:14
Moses burned the golden calf, ground it into powder, and then forced it down the throats
of all the people. 32:20
God orders the sons of Levi (Moses, Aaron, and the other members of their tribe that were "on the Lord's side") to kill
"every man his neighbor." "And there fell of the people that day about 3000 men." 32:27-28
"Whosoever hath sinned against me, him will I
blot out of my book." 32:33
But God wasn't satisfied with the slaughter of the 3000, so he killed some more people with a plague.
God says that he visits "the
iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children,
unto the third and fourth generation." 34:7
God drives out the pagan tribes and commands the Israelites to destroy their altars and places of worship.
If you can't redeem him, then just "break his neck." Hey, it's all for the glory of God. 34:20
Whoever works, or even kindles a fire, on the Sabbath "shall be put to death." 35:2-3
"The Lord spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul ... sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD
a ram without blemish."
If you sin without knowing that you've done anything wrong, kill an unblemished ram for God. 5:14-15
"If a soul sin ... though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity."
If you sin against your own will, you are still guilty. 5:17
"If any of the flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings be eaten at all on the third day ...
it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrificial animals on the third day after you kill them. That is an abomination to God and he will
never forgive you for it! 7:18
"But the soul that eateth of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings ... having his uncleanness upon him,
even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
Don't eat any sacrificed animals while you have your uncleanness upon you. If you do, you'll be exiled. 7:20
"Moreover the soul that shall touch any unclean thing, as the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any abominable
unclean thing, and eat of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which pertain unto the LORD, even that soul shall be cut off
from his people."
If you touch any unclean thing (like "the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any other abominable unclean thing")
while eating sacrificed animals, you will be exiled. 7:21
"Ye shall eat no manner of fat ... for whosoever eateth the fat of the beast, of which men offer an offering made by fire unto the
LORD ... shall be cut off from his people."
Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or you will be exiled. 7:23-25
"Moreover ye shall eat no manner of blood ... Whatsoever soul it be that eateth any manner of blood,
even that soul shall be cut off from his people." 7:26
Two of the sons of Aaron "offered strange fire before the Lord" and "there went out fire
from the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the Lord." 10:1-2
Moses tells Aaron that his sons were burned to death to sanctify and glorify God. 10:3
Moses tells Aaron's cousins to drag the burned bodies out of the camp, and he warns Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons or God will
kill him too, along with everyone else. 10:4-6
If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by uncovering their heads, tearing their clothes, leaving
with holy oil on them, or by drinking "wine or strong drink", then God will kill them and send his
wrath on "all the people." 10:6-9
God will kill any priest that leaves the tabernacle. 10:7
If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by by drinking "wine or strong drink," then God will kill them and send his
wrath on "all the people." "It shall be a statute for ever." 10:9
"She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are
killed for him. 12:6
"When ye be come into the land of Canaan ... I put the plague of leprosy in ... the land of your possession."
God "put the plague of leprosy" on the Canaanites. 14:34
God warns Aaron that he might have to burn him to death like he did his sons. (10:1-2)
God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe,
smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all
the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:8-28
"Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of
Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the
hand of a fit man into the wilderness. And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities." 16:21-22
"Whosoever shall commit any of these abominations ... shall be cut off from among their people." 18:29
Don't eat sacrifices on the third day or God will cut you off from among your
If a man has sex with an engaged slave woman, scourge the woman, but
don't punish the man. (Even if he raped her?) 19:20-22
"Whosoever ... giveth ... his seed unto Molech ... the people ... shall stone him with stones." 20:2
If you refuse to kill someone who gives his seed to Molech, God set his face against you and your family.
Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring" after them either.
"For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death." Couldn't
we try spanking first? 20:9
If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11
If a man "lies" with his daughter-in-law, then both must be killed.
If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13
If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), all three
of your must be burned to death. 20:14
If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor animal are to be
People with "familiar spirits" (witches, fortune tellers, etc.) are to be
stoned to death. 20:27
A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death.
Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it.
Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God.
A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from
him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be
No stranger or slave can "eat of the holy thing." 22:10, 13
"But if the priest buy any soul with his money ..." It must be OK to buy slaves; even priests
do it. 22:11
If a priest's daughter marries "a stranger" she can't eat any holy things. 22:12
Don't do any work on the day of atonement or God will destroy you.
A man curses and blasphemes while disputing with another man. Moses asks God what to
do about it. God says that the whole community must stone him to death. "And the children of Israel did as the Lord
and Moses commanded." 24:10-23
Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned to death by the entire community.
"He that killeth any man shall surely be put to death." 24:17
"If a man cause a blemish in his neighbour; as he hath done, so shall it be done to him." 24:19
"Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a man, so shall it be done to him again."
"He that killeth a man, he shall be put to death." 24:21
God's instructions for buying your brother for a slave.
God tells the Israelites to make slaves out of their neighbors and their families. The "heathens" and
"strangers" are to be their possessions forever. 25:44-46
God tells the Israelites to "chase" their enemies and make them "fall before you by the
sword." He figures five of the Israelites will be able to "chase" a hundred of their enemies, and a
hundred will be able to "put ten thousand to flight." 26:7-8
If you don't follow all of the laws in the Old Testament, God will shower you with all of the curses in the next 25 verses.
"I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning
ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed
in vain, for your enemies shall eat it." 26:16
"I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies." 26:17
"And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins."
"I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins." 26:21
"I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle." 26:22
"I ... will punish you yet (another) seven times for your sins." 26:24
"I will bring a sword upon you ... I will send the pestilence among you; and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy."
"And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me ... then ... I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins."
"And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." 26:29
"I will ... cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you." 26:30
"And I will bring the land into desolation". 26:32
"And I will scatter you among the heathen, and will draw out a sword after you: and your land shall be desolate, and your cities waste."
"And upon them that are left alive of you I will send a faintness into their hearts in the lands of their enemies; and the sound of a
shaken leaf shall chase them; and they shall flee, as fleeing from a sword; and they shall fall when none pursueth."
"And they shall fall one upon another, as it were before a sword, when none pursueth: and ye shall have no power to stand before your
"And ye shall perish among the heathen, and the land of your enemies shall eat you up." 26:38
"And they that are left of you shall pine away in their iniquity in your enemies' lands; and also in the iniquities of their
fathers shall they pine away with them." 26:39
God defines the value of human life in dollars and cents. Of course, to God, females
are worth considerably less than males (50 - 60%) -- but neither are worth much.
All "devoted" things (both man and beast) "shall surely be put to death."
God shows his hospitality with the admonition: "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death."
1:51, 3:10, 3:38
Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before the Lord."
Don't touch or "go in to see when the holy things are covered." God kills people who touch or look
at covered holy things. 4:15, 20
God tells the people to expel from camp "every leper, every one that hath an issue, and whoever is defiled by the dead."
So by God's instructions, the sick are abandoned and left to suffer and die alone.
The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then
makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm
done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall
bear her iniquity." 5:11-31
"And the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be defiled:
or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be not defiled."
If a husband is jealous, his wife must submit to the law of jealousies whether she was "defiled" or not. 5:14
"Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ... And the priest shall ... set her before the LORD ...
and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:15-17
"And the priest shall ... say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee ... be thou free from this bitter water
that causeth the curse." 5:19
"Then the priest
shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say
unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people,
when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:20-21
"But if ... some man have lain with thee beside thine husband ... The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people,
when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:22
"And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:24
"And when he hath made her to drink the water ... if she be defiled ... the water that causeth the curse shall ... become bitter, and her belly shall swell,
and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people." 5:27
"And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed." 5:28
"Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:31
The Israelites are God's favortite people, and the Levites are his favorites among the Israelites. 8:15-16
All firstborn Israelites, "both man and beast", belong to God. He got them the day that he killed every Egyptian firstborn
child and animal. 8:17
If you don't keep the Passover you'll be "cut off" from your people.
The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says he'll
give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole
month, until it come out of [their] nostrils, and it be loathsome to [them]." Yuck.
"And while the flesh [of the quails] was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled
against the people, and the Lord smote the people with a very great plague. "The Bible isn't too clear about what these poor
folks did to upset God so much; all it says is that they had "lusted." 11:33
Miriam and Aaron (Moses' brother and sister) criticize Moses for marrying an Ethiopian woman and thus breaking
the law of God. But God makes it clear that his rules
don't apply to his favorites, and he strikes Miriam with leprosy. Notice that
only Miriam is punished, though both she and Aaron complained.
More plagues and pestilence sent by God. God repeats one of his favorite promises: "your carcasses shall
fall in this wilderness." 14:12, 29, 32-37
God punishes the children for the failings of their great-great grandfathers.
So Moses talked God out of killing everyone. He'll just see to it that no one over 20 years old survives the trip to Israel.
Their "carcases shall fall in the wilderness." 14:20-35
God killed the ten spies that gave a discouraging report with a plague.
To further punish the Israelites for whining and plotting against Moses, God will send the Amelekites and
Canaanites to smite them. 14:43-45
"If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an
action is wrong for it to be sinful? Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by God if you kill
some animals. 15:27-30
The Israelites find a man picking up sticks on the sabbath. God commands them to kill him by throwing
rocks at him. 15:32-36
Korah, Dathan, and Abiram, the first freethought/democracy martyrs, refused to follow Moses blindly, saying
that everyone is holy and should be free to think for him or herself. God killed them and their
families for daring to challenge Moses. 16:1-35
Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment."
God warns everyone to get away; he's going to kill some more people. 16:20-21
"Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me ... if the LORD make ... the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all
that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit..."
Moses tells the people that if the ground opens up and swallows the rebels and their families, then you'll know that God's on his side.
"The earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto
Korah ... They ... went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them." 16:31-33
"And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that
offered incense." 16:35
After burning the the 250 guys that offered incense, God tells Moses to keep their censers (because they are holy) to remind everyone
not to offer incense without a license. 16:36-40
After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 innocent bystanders, the people complained saying, "ye have killed the
people of the Lord." So God, who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sends a plague on the people. And "they that died in the
plague were 14,700." 16:41-50
"Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment."
God threatens (again) to kill everyone (but his special friends, Moses and Aaron). 16:44-45
"For there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun ... they that died
in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred." 16:46-49
God threatens to kill those who murmur. To which the people reply, "Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish ....
Shall we be consumed with dying?" 17:12-13
"They shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die."
Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close.
God shows us how to make new friends by saying : "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death."
God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to
God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-believers perform these
sacrifices anymore? Don't they realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't they believe God when
he says "forever"? 18:17-19
"Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die."
"Neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die." 18:32
"This is the ordinance of the law which the LORD hath commanded."
These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally
important to God. They are to be "a perpetual statute" for everyone on earth. 19:1-22
Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before
in Exodus 17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as
God asked him to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the
promised land. 20:8-12
"And the Lord hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and
their cities." This verse demonstrates the power of prayer: If you ask God, he will destroy entire cities for you.
God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. 21:6
God delivers the Amorites into Moses' hands. (You're in God hands with Moses.) So Moses does the usual thing,
killing everyone "until their was none left alive." 21:34-35
God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them,
just as God had commanded. "And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions!
After the people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab," Moses has them all killed. Then God tells Moses to
hang their dead bodies up in front of him; God says that this will satisfy him. 25:1-5
When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly."
This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before
24,000 had died. 25:6-9
For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons with the everlasting
God tells Moses how to care for his neighbors by saying: "Vex the Midianites, and smite them."
The ground swallow Korah and his companions and a fire consumes 250 men. 26:10
"And Nadab and Abihu died when they offered strange fire before the Lord." When you go camping avoid making any
unusual fires. 26:61
Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and
children captive. When Moses learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill
every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children,
that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back and did as Moses (and
presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow!
(Even God gets some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54
"The prey that was taken, both of man and of beast" was
offered as a "heave offering of the LORD." 31:26-29
God tells Moses to exterminate the residents of Canaan and destroy all of their religious symbols and possessions.
But if the Israelites don't kill them all, then God will make them pricks in their eyes and
thorns in their sides. And he will do unto the Israelites as he planned to do to the inhabitants of
If a person accidentally kills someone, then she should go to a city of refuge. If she can get to the city of refuge before the
"revenger of blood" (the victim's closest relative) can catch her, then she is safe, at least until the high priest dies
(I don't know what he has to do with it). But if she is caught outside the city of refuge, then the revenger of blood can kill her.
"The revenger of blood himself shall slay the murderer: when he meeteth him, he shall slay him."
The "revenger of blood" (the victim's closest relative) must murder the murderer just as soon as he sees him. 35:19, 21
"But if the slayer shall at any time come without the border of the city of his refuge ... and the revenger of blood kill the slayer; he shall not be guilty of blood. Because he should have remained in the city of his refuge until the death of the high priest"
If the accidental killer leaves the city of refuge and is caught by the revenger of blood, then the revenger can legally kill the accidental killer.
"Whoso killeth any person, the murderer shall be put to death." 35:30
"The land cannot be cleansed of the blood that is shed therein, but by the blood of him that shed it." 35:33
"The hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed."
God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done.
"The Lord destroyed them before them" -- the general treatment of the people who were supposedly displaced by
the Israelites. 2:21-22
"I have given into thine hand Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his land:
begin to possess it, and contend with him in battle." 2:24
All nations shall be terrorized by the followers of Yahweh. 2:25
God hardened the heart of the king of Heshbon and so that
he could have him and all of his people killed. 2:30
At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women, and the little ones" leaving "none to
The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of every
"And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city."
Moses promises Joshua that God will massacre kings and kingdoms for him, too. 3:21
When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you."
"What God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works?"
What other God can kill so many people? 3:24
God is "a consuming fire, even a jealous God." 4:24
If someone makes an image of anything (like a bird or flower) then God will destroy the entire
God brought the Israelites out of Egypt "by war ... and by great terrors."
God, by his own admission, is a jealous God who unjustly punishes great-great grandchildren for the failings of their
long-dead ancestors. 5:9
"Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour's ... manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his
ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour's." In the Bible, slaves (servants in the KJV) are the rightful property of
slave-owners; they are his possessions -- like an ox or an ass. 5:21
If you worship the wrong god, God will get jealous and kill you. 6:15
God instructs the Israelites to kill, without mercy, all the inhabitants (strangers) of the land that they
If you do show any mercy to such strangers, "give your daughters to any of them, or "take" any of their daughters, then
you'll get God so angry that he'll "destroy thee suddenly." 7:4
God prefers the Israelites to everyone else. It's not that he's prejudiced, he just like them better.
"And thine eye shall not pity. Life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth,
hand for hand, foot for foot." 19:21
God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4
God tells the Israelites to enslave the people that they conquer in war.
In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the males (including old men, boys, and babies) with
"the edge of the sword .... But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself."
"But of the cities ... which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that
breatheth." Kill the old men and women, the sick and the dying, the blind and the lame, pregnant mothers, nursing mothers,
infants, toddlers, and babies. 20:16
If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a
heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!)
If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son," then you and the other men in your neighborhood "shall stone him
with stones that he die." 21:18-21
When someone commits "a sin worthy of death" that person is "accursed of God" and should be hung on a tree. 21:22-23
If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. If
her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's
"If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die."
If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough, then "the men of the city shall stone her to
If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels of silver and then marry her.
You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off.
God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation."
So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth
certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God.
No Moabite will ever be allowed into the congregation of the Lord. 23:3, 6
God says not to bring any whore, sodomite, or dog into the house of the Lord. For "these things are an abomination
to the Lord." Sodomites and dogs are biblical names for homosexuals. 23:17-18
Usury is wrong except when lending to strangers. Then it's okay. 23:20
If a man marries a woman and later finds "some uncleanness in her," then he can divorce her and kick her out of his
house. If another man marries her and then dies, the first husband cannot marry her again. "For that is an abomination before
the Lord." 24:1-4
Those who capture slaves and sell them must be executed. 24:7
"Remember what the Lord thy God did unto Miriam." (He struck her with leprosy for rightly accusing Moses of breaking
God's laws regarding marriage [Num.12:10]).
Legal disputes are settled by a judge who determines guilt or innocence. No lawyers or jury
are needed. Those found guilty will be beaten with 40 stripes. 25:1-3
If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife -- whether she likes him or
not, and whether she wants to or not. If he refuses, the dead
man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye
shall not pity her." 25:11-12
God commands the Israelites to "blot out the rembrance of Amalek from under heaven." A few hundred years later
God orders Saul to kill of the Amalekites "both man and woman, infant and suckling."
(1 Samuel 15:2-3) 25:19
If you don't obey all of the laws that are given in the Old Testament, God shower you with the curses that are given
in the next 52 verses. 28:16-68
"Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be
cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16
"Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out."
"The LORD shall send upon thee cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that thou settest thine hand unto for to do,
until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly." 28:20
"The LORD shall make
the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee." 28:21
"The LORD shall cause thee to be smitten before thine enemies." 28:25
"And thy carcass shall be meat to
all the fowls of the air, and no man shall fray them away." 28:26
"The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the
itch, whereof thou canst be healed." 28:27
"The Lord will smite thee with madness, and , and astonishment of heart." 28:28
"And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the bliblindnessnd gropeth in darkness, and thou shalt not prosper in thy ways:
and thou shalt be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save thee." 28:29
"Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her." 28:30
"Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes ... thine ass shall be violently taken away." 28:31
"Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32
You will be enslaved and driven mad in another country. 28:33-24
"The Lord will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy
foot unto the top of thy head." 28:35
You will be ruled by other nations, forced to serve other gods, become a laughingstock among your neighbors, have
your crops destroyed by locusts, your vines eaten by worms, and have fruitless olive trees.
"Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for they shall go into
"All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever."
God will enslave you and destroy you with hunger, thirst, hardship,
and all kinds of deprivation. 28:48-52
"And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters."
"So that the man that is tender among you, and very delicate, his eye shall be evil toward his brother, and toward the wife of his
bosom, and toward the remnant of his children which he shall leave: So that he will not give to any of them of the flesh of his
children whom he shall eat." 28:54-55
"The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her
"If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book. Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful,
and the plagues of thy seed ...
Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will
the LORD bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed." 28:58-61
If the Jews don't follow God's laws he'll have most of them killed. 28:62
"The LORD will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought." 28:63
"And the LORD shall scatter thee among all people, from the one end of the earth even unto the other; and there thou shalt serve other gods."
"The LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of
eyes, and sorrow of mind." 28:65
"And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear day and night, and shalt have
none assurance of thy life." 28:66
"In the morning thou shalt say, Would God it were even! and at even thou shalt say, Would God it were morning!
for the fear of thine heart wherewith thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see." 28:67
God will have you sold to your enemies -- but even they won't buy you.
If you serve the gods of other nations, "all the curses that are in
this book" will fall upon you. 29:18-20
When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you with fire, and send vicious beasts to
devour you. He'll "destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the
helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26
"For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall
consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the
"I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them." 32:23
"They shall be burnt
with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I
will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of
the dust." 32:24
"The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs."
"I said, I would scatter them into corners, I would make the remembrance of them to cease from among men." 32:26
God says, "To me belongeth vengeance, and recompense ... for the day of their destruction
is at hand." 32:35
God says, "I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh."
Someone should take his sword and arrows away, at least until he's feeling better.
"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid,
neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." Donald Rumsfeld sent this verse to inspire the troops during the 2003
invasion of Iraq. 1:9
"Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you ... There shall not any man be able to stand before thee."
"Whosoever ... will not hearken unto thy words ... shall be put to death."
Whoever disobeys Joshua must be killed. 1:18
God "magnifies" Joshua and promises to "without fail" drive out all the inhabitants of the lands through which they passed. 3:7
"And the city shall be accursed ... and all that therein, to the Lord: only Rahab the harlot shall live." God explains that
Rahab is to be spared since she hid Joshua's spies and lied to those who were searching for them (2:4-5). But why was
everyone else killed? Some of them were probably liars too. 6:17
Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be sure to save all the silver and gold for God!
"And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass,
with the edge of the sword." 6:21
After killing everyone, "they burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein." Only the valuables (silver, gold, brass,
and iron) did they keep to "put into the treasury of the house of the Lord." 6:24
Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest
and their youngest sons in its construction. But Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the world's oldest,
continuously occupied city. 6:26
God tells Joshua to kill whoever tood "the accursed thing." 7:10-12
If you happen to see "the accursed thing," don't touch it. If you do, you, your family, and all of your animals must
be burned. 7:15
"And Joshua ... took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his sheep... And all of Israel
stoned them with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." This is because Achan "took
of the accursed thing" -- whatever that means. But why would God require that Achan's sons and daughters (and even his
animals) be stoned to death along with him? The Bible doesn't say. But it does tell us that "the Lord turned from the
fierceness of his anger" when Achan, his children, and his animals were stoned to death and their dead
bodies burned. 7:24-26
"When ye have taken the city [Ai] ... ye shall set the city on fire: according to the commandment of the LORD.
"They smote them, so that they let none of them remain or escape." 8:22
"When Israel had made an end of slaying all the inhabitants of Ai in the field ... all the Israelites returned unto Ai,
and smote it with the edge of the sword." 8:24
"All that fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand." 8:25
God curses the Gibeonites to be slaves of the Jews forever. 9:21-27
"And the LORD said unto Joshua, Fear them not: for I have delivered them into thine hand."
God delivers the Amorites into Joshua's hand (so he can kill them all). 10:8
"And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way."
God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them along the way. 10:10
"The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ... and they died."
As the Amorites try to escape, God sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:11
In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done
before dark. 10:12-13
God tells Joshua to "pursue after your enemies and smite the hindmost of them." (Kick their butts.) Don't let any of
them escape "for the Lord your God hath delivered them into your hand." 10:19
Joshua tells his captains to "put your feet upon the necks of these kings." He says, "thus shall the Lord do to all of
your enemies." Then Joshua kills the kings and hangs them on trees. 10:24-26
Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can find (including babies and little children)--
or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-32
"Joshua passed unto Eglon ... and smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein he utterly destroyed."
"Joshua went ... unto Hebron ... and smote it with the edge of the sword ... and all the cities ... and all the souls that were therein;
he left none remaining." 10:36-37
"Joshua returned ... to Debir ... And he took it ... and all the cities ... and they smote them with the edge of the sword,
and utterly destroyed all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining."10:38-39
"So Joshua ... left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded."
"All these kings and their land did Joshua take at one time, because the LORD God of Israel fought for Israel."
God delivers the Hazorites into Joshua's hand, and he knows just what to do with them: he smites them all with
(you guessed it) the edge of the sword until "there was not any left to breathe." 11:6-17
"And the LORD delivered them into the hand of Israel, who smote them ... and they smote them, until they left them none remaining."
"Joshua ... smote the king thereof with the sword." 11:10
"And they smote all the souls that were therein with the edge of the sword, utterly destroying them: there was not any left to breathe."
"And all the cities of those kings, and all the kings of them, did Joshua take, and smote them with the edge of the sword, and he utterly destroyed them,
as Moses the servant of the LORD commanded." 11:12
"Every man they smote with the edge of the sword, until they had destroyed them, neither left they any to breathe."
"As the LORD commanded Moses his servant, so did Moses command Joshua, and so did Joshua; he left nothing undone of all
that the LORD commanded Moses." 11:15
"So Joshua took ... all their kings ... and smote them, and slew them." 11:16-17
"For it was of the Lord to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy
them utterly." Notice that God hardens their hearts so that he can have an excuse to kill them. 11:20
"Joshua destroyed them utterly with their cities." 11:21
Caleb offers to give his daughter to whoever conquers the city of Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest
and is given his cousin for a prize. 15:16-17
God's plan for accidental killings: Establish some cities of refuge that accidental killers can
flee to so they won't be killed by "the avenger of blood." 20:1-9
"Did not Achan son of Zerah commit a trespass in the accursed thing, and wrath fell on all the congregation of
Israel?" To find out see Joshua 7:1-26. 22:20
One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is that fighteth for you." 23:10
God appoints Judah to succeed Joshua. The Lord delivers his foes into his hands and
another 10,000 are slain. In the process, they capture Adonibezek and "cut off his thumbs and great toes." Nice guys.
The LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men."
Caleb offers to give his daughter to anyone who conquers the city of Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest and
is given his cousin for a prize. 1:12-13
"They slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it ... And the Lord was with Judah."
(You can tell by the number of innocent people he killed.) 1:17, 19
The Israelite spies killed everyone in Bethel, except for the man (and his family) who
showed them how to enter the city. 1:25
An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious
beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their
job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead
he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods.
God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14,
God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." 3:8
The spirit of the Lord comes upon Othniel and causes him to go to war. 3:10
"The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD: and
the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel ...
So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years." 3:12-14
God "delivers" more folks into the hands of his chosen people. "And they slew of Moab ... about 10,000 men
... and their escaped not a man." 3:28-29
"The Lord discomfited Sisera ... with the edge of the sword ... and there was not a man left."
Jael (our heroine) offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ...
fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head. "So God
subdued on that day Jabin." 4:17-23
For murdering her guest while he slept, Jael is "blessed above women." (Hail Jael, full of grace, the Lord is
with thee. Blessed art thou among women....?) 5:24-26
"So let all thine enemies perish, O Lord." (Let them all have their temples pierced by blessed women.)
"The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and
the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years."
God forces the Israelites to be slaves to the Midianites for seven years. 6:1
"The LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man."
God promises to help Gideon kill all the Midianites. 6:16
When Gideon and his water-lapping companions blow their trumpets, God forces all the enemy soldiers to kill
each other, killing 120,000. 7:22, 8:10
Two princes are killed and their heads are brought to Gideon. 7:25
For refusing to feed him and his army, Gideon swears that he'll tear the flesh off the elders of Succoth.
(And he carries out his threat in verse 16.) 8:7
Gideon says he'll destroy the tower of Peneul when he "comes again in peace." 8:9
"He took the elders of the city, and thorns of the wilderness and briers, and with them he taught the men of Succoth."
"He beat down the tower of Penuel, and slew the men of the city." 8:17
Gideon orders his son to kill two kings, but he refuses. So Gideon has to do it himself since his son isn't "man"
enough to do it. 8:20-21
God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other.
"Thus God rendered the wickedness of Abimelech, which he did unto his
father, in slaying his seventy brethren."
Abimelech's sin wasn't against the 70 brothers that he killed but against his father (Gideon,
already dead). 9:56
"And all the evil of the men of Shechem did God render upon their heads:
and upon them came the curse of Jotham the son of Jerubbaal."
God had one thousand men and women burned to death to punish them for supporting Abimelech rather than Jotham.
God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. [He had previously sold them to the kings of
Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2).] 10:7
"God ... delivered Sihon and all his people into the hand of Israel, and they smote them: so Israel possessed all the land of the Amorites."
"Whomsoever the LORD our God shall drive out from before us, them will we [the Israelites]
When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal with God: If God will help him kill the
Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him.
God keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter." But when Jephthah returns, his
nameless daughter comes out to greet him (who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to
God as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and down on the mountains bewailing
her virginity. 11:29-39
"The LORD delivered them into his hands ... And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter."
"Her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." 11:39
42,000 Ephraimites fail the "shibboleth" test and are killed by Jephthah's army. 12:6
"The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD;
and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years." 13:1
"And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men ...
and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle."
When the Spirit of the Lord came upon Samson, he killed 30 men at random and took their clothes and gave it to the guys at the
party as a prize for guessing his riddle.
(Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept the spirit of the Lord off him.) 14:19
Samson's father-in-law gave Samson's wife away to a friend, since he thought Samson "hated" her. He suggests
that Samson take his younger daughter instead, saying the younger one's prettier anyway.
Samson decides to take revenge on the Philistines for -- what? Samson's father-in-law gave away his wife because he thought Samson "hated" her.
What did the Philistines have to do with that? 15:3
Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire; the Philistines burn Samson's
ex-wife and father-in-law; and Samson smites them "hip and thigh with a great slaughter."
Samson, with God's help, kills himself and 3000 Philistine men and women by causing a roof to collapse,
setting an example for Bible-based terrorism. 16:27-30
After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of
perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an
ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of
After the Benjamites refuse to turn over the men from Gibeah (the town that wanted to have sex with the Levite
but settled for his concubine instead), the Israelites asked God which tribe should go to war with them. God said the tribe
of Judah should go first. So Judah goes to war, but the Benjamites with their sharp shooting lefties kill 22,000 Israelites.
After 22,000 Israelites were killed by the Benjamites, they cry all day before the Lord. Then they ask God (again)
if they should go to war against Benjamin. God said yes, so they try it again, and another 18,000 Israelites are killed.
Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask again (for the third time) if they should attack the
Benjamites. God give them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promises (he was just kidding the last couple times) that
he "will deliver them into thine hand." 20:26-28
God helps the Israelites kill 25,100 Benjamites. 20:35
The Israelites killed everyone in the city with the edge of the sword.
Another 25,000 Benjamites are killed by the God-assisted Israelites.
The Israelites finish their massacre of the Benjamites by killing all the men, animals, and
everything they could find in every Benjamite city. Then they burned the cities to the ground.
(In this way God helped the Israelites make everything better after the rape and dismemberment of
the concubine.) 20:48
After the Israelites heard the Levite's story (about chopping up his dead concubine and sending her body parts to each
tribe of Israel) they vowed not to "give" their daughters to the Benjamites. So now they had a problem: they just finished
killing all the Benjamite women and children (Jg 20:48) so there were no women for the surviving Benjamite men to marry.
[There were 600 Benjamite men that survived the war with the Israelites. (Jg 20:47)]
But they find a great solution. They check their records and find that no one from Jabeshgilead came to the
rotting-concubine- body-part meeting. So they'll go and steal their women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites.
Here's what the Israelites decide to do. They will go and kill everyone in Jabeshgilead except for the virgin
women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites. 21:11
So the Israelites killed all the non-virgin women and children in Jabeshgilead, bringing back 400 virgin women
to give to the Benjamites. But they were still 200 short. Damn! 21:12-14
"The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven shall he thunder upon them." If God doesn't
like you, he'll send a thunderstorm your way to break your body into little pieces. 2:10
"Because the LORD would slay them."
Eli's sons didn't listen to him, because God had already decided to kill them. (Which he does in 1 Sam.4:11.)
"A man of God unto Eli, and said unto him, Thus saith the
LORD ... I will cut off thine arm... There shall not be an old man in thine house for ever ... I shall ...
consume thine eyes and ... grieve thine heart."
A "man of God" tells Eli that God will "consume his eyes" and "grieve his heart" and make sure that all of his decendants will
die young" because of the stuff his sons did. 2:27-32
"And this shall be a sign unto thee, that shall come upon thy two sons, on Hophni and Phinehas; in one day they shall die
both of them."
God says he'll kill his two sons as a sign to him. (Just ot remind him of the nasty things he plans to do to him and his
descendants to punish him for what his sons did.) 2:34
God will punish Eli's descendants forever for the sins of Eli's sons. 3:12-13
God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12
God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark. "And the people lamented, because the Lord had smitten many of
the people with a great slaughter." 6:19
The LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel."
"And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them
throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest
things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7
"Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is
hard work. 11:11
To day the LORD hath wrought salvation in Israel."
God saved the Israelites by slaughtering the Ammonites. 11:13
God delivers the Philistines into Jonathan's hand. And his very "first slaughter ... was about twenty men."
Not bad for a first slaughter. 14:12
Under God's influence, the Philistines killed each other. 14:20
"So the LORD saved Israel that day."
God saved Israel by forcing Philistines to kill each other. 14:23
But later, Saul and his army kill all of those who had not already been killed. 14:36
God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses.
Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago. 15:2-3
Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But still God was furious with Saul for
not killing everything as he had been told to do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king."
Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by failing to kill all of the
Because Saul didn't kill everyone as God commanded, God changes his mind about him
being king. 15:23-26
To please God, Samuel hacks Agag in pieces "before the Lord" [I bet God enjoyed that!] -- after Agag
pleads with him saying, "surely the bitterness of death has past." 15:32-34
After God rejects Saul for refusing to kill
indiscriminately, he sends Samuel to find another king. David is chosen and
anointed by Samuel, and "the spirit of the Lord came upon him from that
day forward." 16:13
"But the spirit of the Lord
departed from Saul [since he was not murderous enough for God], and an evil
spirit from the Lord troubled him." But if God is good, then how could
he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23
"The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied." 18:10
David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal).
Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't keep
away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9
God will wipe all of David's enemies off the face of the earth. 20:15-16
"David said unto Ahimelech the priest, The king hath commanded me a business...."
David lies to the priest, saying he was on the king's business (which, of course, he wasn't), so that he could get food and weapons.
His lie got him some holy bread and Goliath's sword. 21:2-8
"David inquired of the Lord, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the Lord said unto David, Go, and
smite the Philistines."
"Then David enquired of the LORD yet again. And the LORD answered him and said ... I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand."
"So David ... fought with the Philistines ... and smote them with a great slaughter." 23:5
"There was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great. ... The name of the man was Nabal;
and the name of his wife Abigail."
David and his band of outlaws tell Nabal to give David everything he has. He refuses, saying that he doesn't even know who David is.
David responds by promising to kill everyone in Nabal's household that pisses against the wall. But Abigail went to David and
paid him off, so David decided not to kill all of Nabal an all of his wall pissers. 25:2-35
Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David."
David sends ten "young men" to tell Nabal to give David whatever he has. 25:8
"If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22
"Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth
against the wall."
If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall".
"And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal, that he died." This was convenient for
David who then took his property and his wife, Abigail. 25:38
"When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said,
Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take
her to him to wife." 25:39
David takes his second wife (Abigail) after God killed her husband (Nabal). He also, at the same time,
took another wife (#3), Abinam. In the meantime, Saul gave Michal (his daughter and David's first wife) to another
"And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!)
Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again
explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel
into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites.
Fair is fair.) 28:8-19
"Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek,
therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day." 28:18
"The LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me."
God sent a message to Saul (through a dead man brought back to life by a witch) was that tomorrow God would make sure that the
Philistines kill him and his sons (to punish Saul for not killing all the Amalekites like God told him to in
"David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day:
and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men."
David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. He kills all of them except for 400 that escaped on camels. (See
15:7-8 and 27:8-9 for the last two times
they were exterminated.) 30:17
"Now the Philistines fought against Israel; and the men of Israel fled from
before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa."
God used the Philistines to kill the Israelite soldiers to punish Saul for not killing all the Amalekites. (See
"The Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Melchishua, Saul's sons."
God had the Philistines kill Saul's sons to punish him for not killing all the Amalekites. See
"So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armourbearer, and all his men, that same day together." 31:6
David tells one of his "young men" to kill the Amalekite messenger who claimed to have mercifully killed Saul
at Saul's own request. 1:15
Michal was bought by David with 200 Philistine foreskins
(1 Sam 18:25-27), then she was "given"
to Phatiel (1 Sam 25:44), and then "taken back" by David.
Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping behind her."
When Joab (David's captain) kills Abner (by smiting him under the fifth rib of course), David says that he
and his kingdom are not responsible. The blame, he says, lays with Joab. So David curses Joab, his family, and their
descendants forever. Let them all be plagued with venereal diseases and leprosy, starve to death, commit suicide, or
lean on staves. (The Revised Standard Version translates "leaneth on a staff" as "holds a spindle," apparently
meaning effeminate -- real men don't spin or weave.) 3:27-29
Some of David's men kill Saul's son (by smiting him under the fifth rib, of course) and bring his head to
David, thinking that he'll be pleased. But he wasn't. David has the assassins killed, their hands and feet chopped off,
and their bodies hung up (for decorations?) over the pool in Hebron. 4:6-7
Whoever kills the lame and the blind will be David's "chief and captain." 5:8
"David ... grew great, and the LORD God of hosts was with him." 5:10
David asks God if he should kill some more Philistines. God says yes, and he'll even help. So David and
God "smote the Philistines" again. 5:19
"David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me."
God helps David slaughter his enemies. 5:20
"When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host
of the Philistines." 5:24
"And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines." 5:25
Uzzah tries to keep the ark from falling off the cart, and God kills him for it. I guess it was God's way of saying
King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. When Michal criticizes him for exposing himself, God punishes her by
having "no child unto the day of her death." Although 21:8 says that she had five sons (which were sacrificed
to God by David to stop God from starving people to death). 6:14-23
"I was with thee whithersoever thou wentest, and have cut off all thine enemies out of thy sight."
God was with David wherever he went and killed all of his enemies for him. 7:9
David kills two thirds of the Moabites and makes the rest slaves. He also cripples the captured horses.
"David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men ... and the Lord preserved David
withersoever he went." 8:5-6, 14
"David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in
the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men ... And the LORD preserved David
whithersoever he went." 8:13-14
David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathsheba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle
... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife. 11:15,
God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will have David's wives raped by his
neighbor while everyone else watches. It turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his
dirty work is David's own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12
To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. 12:14-18
After the baby died, David washed, got dressed, had a nice meal, and worshiped the God who killed his son.
"He ... put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln."
David tortured or enslaved (depending on translation) all the inhabitants of several cities. 12:31
"When king David heard of all these things, he was very wroth."
The New Revised Standard Version adds, "but he would not punish
his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn."
David loved Ammon "because he was his firstborn" (good parents love their firstborn sons more than their other kids). As
the Brick Testament suggests,
he probably said something like, "Oh well, I guess firstborns are entitled to one free incestuous rape." 13:21
"And the king left ten women, which were concubines, to keep the house."
David left Jerusalem because he was afraid that his son Absalom was going to kill him. But he left his
concubines to fend for themselves. 15:16
To punish his ten concubines for
being raped by his son, Absalom (See 16:21-22),
David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to
"keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3
"For the LORD had appointed to defeat the good counsel of Ahithophel, to the intent that the LORD might bring evil upon Absalom."
God made Absalom reject the advice of Ahithophel so that he could "bring evil on Absalom." 17:14
"When Ahithophel saw that his counsel was not followed, he saddled his
ass, and arose, and gat him home to his house, to his city, and put his
household in order, and hanged himself." 17:23
"Then said Ahimaaz ... Let me now run, and bear the king tidings, how that the LORD hath avenged him of his enemies."
(See 2 Samuel 17:14) 18:19
"Then cried a wise woman out of the city ... Behold, his head shall be thrown
to thee over the wall ... And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." 20:16-22
A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul,
and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. "So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that
a former king had done. 21:1
To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five
of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9
"They hanged them in the hill before the LORD." 21:9
"They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land."
God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him. 21:13-14
"I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God."
David is one of the most despicable characters in all fiction, yet here he brags about how perfect he is. (And God agrees with him!)
"He teacheth my hands to war."
Might as well learn from an expert. 22:35
"I have pursued mine enemies, and destroyed them; and turned not again until I had consumed them. And I have consumed them,
and wounded them, that they could not arise: yea, they are fallen under my feet." 22:38-39
"Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies, that I might destroy them that hate me." 22:41
"They looked, but there was none to save; even unto the LORD, but he answered them not." 22:42
"I beat them as small as the dust of the earth, I did stamp them as the mire of the street." 22:43
"It is God that avengeth me, and that bringeth down the people under me. And that bringeth me forth from mine enemies:
thou also hast lifted me up on high above them that rose up against me." 22:48-49
"And the LORD wrought a great victory that day; and the people returned after him only to spoil." 23:10-12
David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well,
which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from
the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground.
God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chronicles 21:1 says
that Satan tempted David, and James 1:13 says that
God never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census?
And what the heck is wrong with a census anyway? 24:1
God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven
years of famine (1 Chr 21:12 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or
3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men
(and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13
Even David can see the injustice of God's punishment (killing hundreds of thousands of people because David
took a census). He pleads with God saying, "I have sinned ... but these sheep, what have they done?"
In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab and Shimei. 2:1-9
Solomon has his brother (Adonijah) murdered. 2:24-25
Solomon carries out the deathbed instructions of his father David by having Joab murdered.
Solomon justifies the murder of Joab by saying that Joab also was a murderer, and that the
blood of Joab's victims "shall therefore return upon the head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed
for ever." 2:33
But Solomon is not done murdering yet. He has Shimei murdered -- or as Solomon put it, "The Lord shall return
thy wickedness upon thine own head." 2:44, 46
"In thy days I will not do it for David thy father's sake: but I will rend it out of the hand of thy son."
God is angry with Solomon, but decides to punish Solomon's son rather than Solomon himself, because he liked Solomon's
father (David) so darned much. 11:11-12
"The LORD stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite."
To punish Solomon for his strange wives and strange gods, God "stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite."
"Joab ... had smitten every male in Edom." 11:15-16
"And God stirred him up another adversary, Rezon." 11:23
"Jerusalem, the city which I have chosen."
God likes Jerusalem better than any other city. 11:36
King Josiah is prophesied to sacrifice the priests of the "high places" on their altars. And he does so in 2
Kg.23:20. Note that this is a guy who "did what was right in the eyes of the Lord"
(2 Kg.22:2). 13:2
"And his hand, which he put forth against him, dried up ... And the man of God besought the LORD, and the king's
hand was restored him again."
Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4-6
"A lion met him by the way, and slew him."
So there were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To the punish the second for believing the first's lie,
God sent a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24
"When the prophet ... heard thereof, he said, It is the man of God, who was disobedient unto the word of the LORD:
therefore the LORD hath delivered him unto the lion, which hath torn him, and slain him, according to the word of the LORD."
God promises to "bring evil upon the
house of Jerobaom," saying he will "cut off" anyone "that
pisseth against the wall." Then, after he is done with them, their dead bodies will be eaten by dogs (if they are
city dwellers) or fowls (if they are country folk). 14:10-11
"Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat:
for the LORD hath spoken it." 14:11
"When thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die." 14:12
"For the LORD shall smite Israel ... because they have made their groves, provoking the LORD to anger."
"When she came to the threshold of the door, the child died."
To punish Jeroboam for making gold calves, God killed his son. 14:17
Asa "did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD" by expelling
homosexuals (or "sodomites", as the good book calls them). 15:12
Baasha kills "all of the house of Jeroboam" leaving none "to breath." This slaughter was done "according to the
word of the Lord." 15:29
"I will ... make thy house like the house of Jeroboam. Him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat;
and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat."
God says he's going to kill Baasha's family (like he did Jeroboam's). 16:3-4
"Because he killed him."
God will kill Baasha and his family for killing Jeroboam and his family (even though God wanted him to do it). 16:7
"He slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks,
nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD."
Zimri kills everyone "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the Lord." 16:11-12
"When Zimri saw that the city was taken, that he went into the palace of the king's house, and burnt the king's house over him
with fire, and died. For his sins which he sinned in doing evil in the sight of the LORD, in walking in the way of Jeroboam,
and in his sin which he did, to make Israel to sin."
Did God force Zimri to burn himself to death? 16:18-19
"He laid the foundation thereof in Abiram his firstborn, and set up the gates thereof in his
youngest son Segub, according to the word of the LORD."
When Hiel rebuilds Jericho, he lays the foundation with the body of his oldest son and sets up the gates with his
youngest son's body "according to the word of the Lord."
Did God want Hiel to sacrifice his sons in this way? Did he make him do it? What does "according to the word of the Lord" mean here?
"There came a prophet unto Ahab king of Israel, saying, Thus saith the LORD, Hast thou seen all this great multitude? behold,
I will deliver it into thine hand this day; and thou shalt know that I am the LORD." 20:13
"They slew every one his man: and the Syrians fled; and Israel pursued them ... And the king of Israel ...
slew the Syrians with a great slaughter."
The first God assisted "great slaugher" of the Syrians. 20:21
God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites' hands, and 100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped,
27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. (It was a really big wall.) 20:28-30
"A man of God ... said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills,
but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall
know that I am the LORD."
God kills 127,000 Syrians because they said he was God of the hills but not God of the valleys. 20:28
"The children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day." 20:29
"There a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left." 20:30
"Ben-hadad said unto him, The cities, which my father took from thy
father, I will restore ... Then said Ahab, I will send thee away with this
covenant. So he made a covenant with him, and sent him away."
King Ahab is merciful to king Beh-hada. God will later kill him for it. (See 1 Kings 20:42 and
There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "Smite me." But the neighbor refused.
So God sent a lion to devour him. 20:35-36
Thus saith the LORD, Because thou hast let go out of thy hand a man whom I appointed to utter destruction,
therefore thy life shall go for his life, and thy people for his people."
The prophet tells king Ahab that he will be killed and his people punished for not killing Ben-hadad:
"Your life shall go for his life, and your people for his people." 20:42
"Thou didst blaspheme God and the king."
Although Naboth was set up here by Jezebel to steal his land, the text assumes that the proper punishment for
"blaspheming God and the king" is death by stoning. 21:10-13
"Thus saith the Lord, in the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick thy blood, even thine."
God says that dogs with lick Ahab's blood. But Jezebel, not Ahab, was repsonsible for Naboth's death.
"Behold, I will bring evil upon thee,
and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall."
God will "bring evil upon" Ahab and kill everyone in his family "that pisseth against the wall." 21:21
The dogs shall eat Jezebel."
Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in the sight of the Lord." To punish her,
God will feed her dead body to the dogs. He also plans to feed Ahab's family to the dogs (if they live in the city)
and to the birds (if they are country folks). 21:23-25
"Seest thou how Ahab humbleth himself before me? because he humbleth himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his days:
but in his son's days will I bring the evil upon his house."
Since Ahab humbles himself before the Lord, God decides not to bring evil on him; he'll
he'll bring it on Ahab's son instead. 21:29
"And the LORD said, Who shall persuade Ahab?"
God asks for volunteer among the guys hanging out with him. He wants one of them to lie for him so that he can get Ahab kiiled.
God puts a "lying spirit" in the mouth of his prophets. 22:22
Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and "took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out
of the land," or as the RSV says, "he exterminated" them. 22:43, 46
Ahaziah was sick and sent messengers to Baalzebub to ask if he would recover. God was jealous of the
attention given to his competitor and tells Ahaziah that he will die for asking the wrong god.
Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. He
did the job in two shifts of 51 men each. 1:9-12
God kills Ahaziah for consulting another God. 1:16-17
God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24
God instructs the Israelites, through the prophet Elisha, to implement a scorched earth policy on the
Moabites. "Strike every fortified city and every choice city, and fell every good tree and stop all springs of water,
and mar every good piece of land with stones." 3:19-25
Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his
descendants lepers forever. 5:27
"So we boiled my son, and did eat him." Women killed, boiled and ate their own
children because of a plague that God sent, or as the Bible puts it: "Behold, this evil is of the
Lord." 6:28-29, 33
Someone questions Elisha's forecast, and Elisha tells him (indirectly) that he'll be killed for it. (And he is. See
A man is trampled to death for disbelieving Elisha. 7:17-20
God sends a famine on the people that lasts for seven years. 8:1
"Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets,
and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel." 9:6-7
"For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall."
"I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... Baasha."
God will kill Ahab's family just like he did the families of
"And the dogs shall eat Jezebel ... and there shall be none to bury her." 9:10
All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets, and sent to Jezreel. He says, "Lay ye
them in two heaps ..." 10:7-8
Jehu kills all that remained of king Ahab's family. 10:11
Jehu meets with 42 brothers of Ahaziah, and then he murders them. 2 Chronicles 22:7 says
that his killing was "of God." 10:13-14
Jehu shows off his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had
destroyed him according to the word of the Lord." 10:16-17
Jehu lied to the followers of Baal so that he could trap and kill them. 10:19
Jehu warns his guards saying, "If any of the men escape, he that letteth him go, his life shall be for the life of
Jehu, when he finishes his animal sacrifices, orders his men to "Go in, and slay them, let none come forth. And
they smote them with the edge of the sword." 10:25
God is greatly pleased with all of Jehu's killings, saying "because thou hast done well in executing that which
is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart [Jehu murdered
them all], thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel." 10:30
The "Lord's people" destroyed the "house of Baal" and killed "the priest of Baal
before the altars." 11:17-18
God strikes king Azariah with leprosy "unto the day of his death" for not removing the high places.
God sent lions to devour the foreigners in Samaria because "they feared not the Lord," and even worse
"they knew not the manner of the God of the land."
I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and
shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land."
God will cause Sennacherib to be killed by the sword. (See verse 37 where Sennacherib is
killed by his own sons while praying.) 19:7
An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose early in the morning, behold,
they were all dead corpses." I guess they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35
"Sennacherib ... departed ... And ... as he was worshipping in the
house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword."
God made the sons murder their father. (See verse 7.) 19:36-37
God plans to "bring such evil upon
Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle."
Josiah, with God's approval, broke down the houses of the sodomites. 23:7
Josiah, apparently with God's approval, kills "all the priests of the high places" and sacrifices them to God on
their altars. Note that this is a guy who "did what was right in the eyes of the Lord"
(2 Kings 22:2). 23:20
Even though Josiah did all that God asked of him, God still punished him and all Jerusalem for the acts of his
God killed Er for being "evil in the sight of the Lord." 2:3
The sons of Reuben made war with the Hagarites and "there fell down many slain, because the
war was from God." They did pretty well for themselves, too, in God's war, taking 250,000
sheep and 100,000 slaves. 5:18-22
But the Israelites "transgressed against the God of their fathers, and went a whoring
after the gods of the people of the land, whom God destroyed before them." So God inspired the
Assyrians to enslave the Israelites. 5:25-26
"Phinehas ... the LORD was with him."
See Numbers 25:7-8 to see what he did when the Lord was with him.
"Now the Philistines fought against Israel; and the men of Israel fled from
before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa."
God used the Philistines to kill the Israelite soldiers to punish Saul for not killing all the Amalekites. (See
1 Samuel 28:19) 10:1
David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well,
which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from
the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground.
God kills Uzza for trying to keep the ark from falling. 13:9-10
"The LORD said unto him, Go up; for I will deliver them into thine hand."
God tells David to go to war with the Philistines, promising to deliver them into his hand. 14:10
"God hath broken in upon mine enemies by mine hand."
God helps David slaughter his enemies. 14:11
"David therefore did as God commanded him: and they smote the host of the Philistines." 14:16
"Abishai ... slew of the Edomites in the valley of
salt eighteen thousand ... and all the Edomites became David's servants. Thus the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went."
David's army "wastes the children of Ammon ... besieged Rabbah ... and destroyed it."
David tortured or enslaved (depending on translation) all the inhabitants of several cities.
God killed 70,000 mean (and their families) in a plague to punish David for having a census that God (or Satan) inspired.
"Possess this good land, and leave it for an inheritance for your children after you for ever."
This verse is used by Republicans to justify protecting the rich from taxation. 28:8
God tells Solomon that he likes him so darned much (he likes murderers and polygamists) that
he's going to make him the richest man who has ever lived. 1:11-12
God sent Shishak, the king of Egypt, to attack Jerusalem because Rehoboam "and all Israel transgressed against the Lord."
Shishak had 1200 chariots, 60,000 horsemen and "people without number" and he attacked Judah and "took the fenced cities which
pertained to Judah." When Shishak's army came to Jerusalem, "the princes of Israel and the king humbled themselves" and said,
"The Lord is righteous." So God decided not to destroy Jerusalem, but just make them Shishak's slaves instead.
God kills the king of Israel and helps Abijah kill 500,000 Israelites. "The children of Judah prevailed,
because they relied upon the Lord God of their fathers." (That is, they had God on their side.)
In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the Bible, Asa, with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians.
"Nation was destroyed of nation, and city of city: for God did vex them with all
"Whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or
great, whether man or woman." 15:13
God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets and speaks evil about people.
"A certain man drew a bow ... and smote the king of Israel ... and about the time of the sun going down he died."
God killed Ahab for showing mercy to king Benhadad. (See 1 Kings 20:42)
Hate the sinner -- or God will pour his wrath out on you. 19:2
The spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel (the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel,
the son of Mattanaiah) and told the people of Judah that they didn't have to fight against the Moabites, Ammonites,
and Edomites. God would fight for them. And he did. God fought for them by forcing the members of the opposing army
to kill each other. Then the people of Judah spent three days stripping the jewels and other valuables from the dead bodies.
Elijah tells Jehoram that God will smite his children, wives, and the people of Judah with a
great plague (for things that Jehoram did) and God will smite him with a disease of his bowels until
his bowels fall out. 21:14-15
The LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians ...
And they came up into Judah, and ... and carried away ... his sons also, and his wives; so that there
was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons." 21:16-17
"And after all this the LORD smote him in his
bowels with an incurable disease. And it came to pass, that in process of time, after the end of two years, his bowels
fell out by reason of his sickness: so he died of sore diseases." 21:18-19
God told Jehu to kill everyone in the house of Ahab and then later condemned him for
it (Hosea 1:4). 22:7-9
Only Levites can enter "the house of the Lord". "Whosoever else cometh
into the house, he shall be put to death." 23:6-7
The priest (Jehoiada) tells the people to kill Athaliah and her followers. So they find her and kill
her. "And all the people of the land rejoiced: and the city was quiet, after
that they had slain Athaliah with the sword." (Don't you just love happy endings?)
"Then all the people went to the house of Baal" and broke its altar into pieces
and killed Mattan the priest of Baal. 23:17
Joash and Jehoida collect tons of money to repair "the house of the Lord." Religious
leaders have been taking money from people ever since. 24:4-11
The spirit of God came upon Zechariah and he condemned everyone for disobeying God, so the people stoned him to death.
As he was dying, Zechariah asked God to avenge his death. So God sent the Syrians to kill all the princes and God delivered
the army of Judah into their hand. In the process, Joash was wounded and then killed in his bed. 24:20-25
Amaziah (who "did that which was right in the sight of the Lord") killed 10,000 people; another
10,000 he left alive to throw off a cliff "that they all were broken in pieces."
God was pleased with Amaziah when he was slaughtering Edomites and throwing people off cliffs, but not when he decided
to worship other gods. So God decided to kill Amaziah and cause his army to be defeated by the Israelites.
"Uzziah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all
that his father Amaziah did."
LIke throwing 10,000 men off a cliff? (See 25:12) 26:3-4
"He went forth and warred against the Philistines ... And God helped him against the Philistines, and against the Arabians that
dwelt in Gurbaal, and the Mehunims." 26:6-7
God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21
Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day and enslaves 200,000 women and children
"because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers." 28:6-8
"With us is the LORD our God to help us, and to fight our battles." 32:8
God sent an angel to kill the Assyrian army. (According to
2 Kings 19:35 the angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers who
woke the next morning to discover that they were dead.) 32:21
God vows to "bring evil upon this place ... even all the curses that are written in the book." He says his
"wrath shall be poured out upon this place, and shall not be quenched." 34:24-25
God gets angry with his people, so he sends the king of the Chaldees to kill all the "young men with the
sword." He has compassion for no one, not even old men that are "stooped for age." In his tender mercy and loving
kindness he has them all slaughtered. 36:16-17
Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before them. For this she is no longer to be queen,
to be replaced by someone better (prettier?). 1:12-19
Because of Vashti's disobedience, the king decrees that "all the wives shall give to their husbands honor, both the
great and the small" and "that every man should bear rule over his own house."
With nothing more than suspicion and hearsay, Esther has two men hanged (after a brief
Without a trial, Esther has another man (Haman) hung. 7:6-10
After hanging Haman at Esther's request, the king gave Esther (and her buddy Mordecai) Haman's ring and house.
On the day when all Jew-haters (and their families) were killed by Jews, "the Jews had light, and gladness, and joy, and honour
... a feast and a good day." 8:16-17
"Many of the people of the land became Jews; for the fear of the Jews fell upon them."
God's favorite way of making converts: Convert or be killed! 8:17
At Esther's request, the king orders a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from Egypt to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned
to kill Jews shall be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day.
(How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill them all and let God sort it out?
And why did they need to kill the women and children?) 8:9-11
The Jews kill everyone who ever had a bad thought toward them, along with their Jew-hating families. 9:1-16
"The Jews smote all their enemies with the stroke of the sword, and slaughter, and destruction,
and did what they would unto those that hated them." 9:5
"In Shushan the palace the Jews slew and destroyed five hundred men." 9:6
"The ten sons of Haman the son of Hammedatha, the enemy of the Jews, slew they." 9:10
Esther asks the king to kill all those who planned to kill the Jews and hang the already dead bodies of Haman's ten sons on trees.
"The Jews ... slew three hundred men at Shushan." 9:15
"The other Jews ... slew of their foes seventy and five thousand." 9:16
Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who are poor or hungry
just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10
A sweet prayer for the destruction of one's enemies: Let their way be dark and slippery: and let the angel of the LORD persecute
them.... Let destruction come upon him at unawares." 35:6,8
Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who starve to death
didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3
If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4
God laughs at those that he will later torment. 37:13
The Psalmist praises God for driving out and afflicting "the heathen" with his own hand.
If you forget God, God will tear you into pieces. 50:22
If you don't trust in God, he'll kill you and while you're dying the "righteous" will laugh at you.
God will send evil on the enemies of his followers. 54:5
Referring to his enemies, the psalmist says: "Let death seize upon them, and let them go down
quick into hell." 55:15
Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They tell lies immediately after birth
(before they can even talk!). 58:3
The psalmist devoutly prays: "Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth ... let them be
cut in pieces." 58:6-7
"Let every one of them pass away: like the untimely birth of a woman, that they may not see the sun."
A prayer that your enemies will die like an aborted fetus. 58:8
"The righteous" will rejoice when he sees "the wicked" being dismembered by God.
He'll even get a chance to wash his feet in their blood. Now that's entertainment!
The psalmist asks God to kill all "the heathen" and not show them any mercy. 59:5
God will laugh at the heathen as he kills them. 59:8
"The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented. 59:10
"Consume them in thy wrath, consume them." -- more sweet prayers to a savage god.
God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that he doesn't.
Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says that he will throw his shoe at them. 60:7-8
God will "wound the head of his enemies" so that the righteous can wash their feet "in the blood
of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same." 68:21, 23
"They that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee." 73:27
"The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry, and burned people
"because they believed not in God." 78:21-22
"The wrath of God came upon them" and God killed many of the Israelites for not believing in "his
wondrous works." 78:31-34
God "cast out the heathen" and gave their lands to the Israelites. 78:55
The psalmist asks God to pour out his wrath on somebody else for a change. Why not torment some
strangers "that have not known thee?" 79:5-6
The psalmist asks God to " do unto them as unto the Midianites ... which became as dung for the earth."
If you don't follow God's commandments, he will beat you with a rod. 89:31-32
"They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing."
Being fat is is sure sign of righteousness. (Wicked people are skinny and hungry.) 92:12-14
The psalmist recounts God's treatment of the Egyptians: "He smote the firstborn in their land." See Exodus 12:29-30 for the gory details. 105:29-36
God is praised for the creative ways that he kills people: drowning, earth-swallowing, burning,
God sent a plague on the Israelites for "committing whoredom with the daughters of Moab." But
"then stood up Phinehas, and executed judgment [by throwing a spear through a newly married couple]:
and so the plague was stayed." But not before 24,000 (1 Cor.10:8
says 23,000) had died. (See Num.25:6-9 for all the gory details.)
God is offended by those who make things with their hands or invent things with their minds.
God destroys the environment to punish people for their sins. 107:33-34
The psalmist asks God to do all sorts of unpleasant things to his enemies. "Set thou a wicked man over
him; and let Satan stand at his right hand .... Let his prayer become sin." He asks God to take away his possessions,
kill him, and have his children suffer for the sins of their fathers. 109:6-14
"Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow." 109:9
"Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg." 109:10
"Let the extortioner catch all that he hath; and let the strangers spoil his labour." 109:11
"Let there be none to extend mercy unto him: neither let there be any to favour his fatherless children."
Let his posterity be cut off; and in the generation following let their name be blotted out." 109:13
"Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered with the LORD; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out."
God will "fill the places with dead bodies" of heathens. 110:6
God is praised for slaughtering kings, nations, and little babies.
"To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever."
God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever."
God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18
God will send people to smash little Babylonian children against stones to punish the Babylonians for enslaving
the Israelites during the Babylonian captivity. These happy
("blessed" in the ESV)
children smashers are God's instruments for carrying out his vengeance. 137:8-9
"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."137:9
The psalmist excels at hating. He hates people with a "perfect hatred" and asks God to kill
A prayer that God will burn people to death. 140:10
The God of Peace teaches us to kill each other in war. 144:1
The saints praise God while they kill and enslave "the heathen." 149:5-8
Beat your children and don't stop just because they cry. 19:18
Scorners (skeptics?) should be condemned; fools should be beaten. 19:29
"The fear of a king is as the roaring of a lion: whoso provoketh him to anger sinneth against his own soul."
It's a sin to make a king angry. 20:2
A king that sitteth in the throne of judgment scattereth away all evil with his eyes." 20:8
"The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will." 21:1
"The wicked shall be a ransom for the righteous." 21:18
Beating your children will make them less foolish. Have you beaten your
child today? 22:15
Beat your children hard and often. Don't worry about hurting them. You
may break a few bones and cause some brain damage, but it isn't going to
kill them. And even if they do die, they'll be better off. They'll thank
you in heaven for beating the hell out of them. 23:13-14
"I got me servants and maidens, and had servants born in my house."
The author seems to be bragging about owning slaves here, with no indication of any disapproval of slavery. 2:7
"Neither say thou before the angel, that it was an error: wherefore should God be angry at
thy voice, and destroy the work of thine hands?"
Don't admit making an error to an angel or God will get angry and destroy your work. 5:6
"Curse not the king, no not in thy thought; and curse not the rich." 10:20
"And the people shall ... be burned in the fire." 33:12
God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up
out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3
I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and
shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land."
God will cause Sennacherib to be killed by the sword. (See verse 38 where Sennacherib is
killed by his own sons while praying.) 37:7
"Sennacherib ... departed, and ... as he was worshipping in the
house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword."
God made the sons murder their father. (See verse 7.) 37:37-38
God makes Egypt, Ethiopia, and Seba pay for Israel's sins. He says that
he likes Israel better than any other country so he's willing to sacrifice other countries for the
Israel's sake. 43:3-4
No astrologer, stargazer, or prognosticator will be able to save those that God plans to burn to death.
"The Lord ... will do his pleasure on Babylon, and his arm shall be on the Chaldeans." 48:14
"I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with
their own blood, as with sweet wine." 49:26
"I dry up the sea, I make the rivers a wilderness: their fish stinketh, because there is no water, and dieth for
God brags about the strangest things. 50:2
"The heavens shall vanish away like smoke, and the earth shall wax old like a
garment, and they that dwell therein shall die in like manner." (God plans to destroy the universe.)
Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12
"I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment." (God's clothes
will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6
"O Lord, why hast thou made us to err from thy ways, and hardened our heart from thy
fear?" Good question. 63:17
Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an unclean thing", "a filthy
rag" to God. 64:6
"Ye are they that forsake the LORD ... Therefore will I number you to the sword, and ye shall all bow down to the slaughter."
Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable things"
or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17
"God's servants" will eat, drink, and be merry; everyone else will be hungry, thirsty,
and ashamed -- until God kills them, that is. 65:13-15
God will "plead with all flesh" with fire and sword, "and the slain of the Lord shall be many."
"They shall ... look upon the carcases of the men that have transgressed against me: for their worm shall not die, neither shall t
heir fire be quenched; and they shall be an abhorring unto all flesh." 66:24
What was once fruitful is now barren. Birds have fled, people are gone, towns are in ruins. All "by his (God's)
fierce anger." 4:25-28
God tries to reform people by tormenting them and then wonders why it doesn't work. 5:3
Those who don't follow or know God are "poor" and "foolish." 5:4
God will send lions, wolves, and leopards to tear people to pieces.5:6
"How shall I pardon thee for this? thy children have ... committed adultery, and assembled themselves by troops in the harlots' houses."
God will burn the people to death for discovering his non-existence. 5:14
God again talks of bringing a foreign nation to destroy his chosen ones and their lands.
God just can't hold in his fury any longer. He will kill everyone: husbands and wives, children and old people.
God will punish the men by taking away their property, including their wives, and giving it to others.
God "will bring evil upon this people, even the fruit of their thoughts" because they refuse to do
whatever the hell he asks them to do. 6:19
God plans to kill pretty much everyone: fathers and sons,
family, friends, and neighbors. God plans to kill them all after laying a stumbling block before them.
God will send soldiers from the north that will kill everyone and
have no mercy. 6:22-23
God says that there are some people that you just shouldn't bother
praying for. And if you do he won't listen anyway. 7:16
God will pour out his anger on both man and beast. Not even the trees will
be spared from his wrath. And the ground itself will burn forever. 7:20
"The LORD hath rejected and forsaken the generation of his wrath." 7:29
God will feed the people to the birds and the beasts, "and none shall fray
them away." 7:33
To punish the men, God will "give their wives to others." 8:10
Don't trust anyone. Not even your neighbors, family, or friends. Those who
believe differently than you are all liars and evil doers. 9:4-6
God will give the people bad food and water, and then kill them with a
God will kill children and young men, and the dead bodies "shall fall as dung .... and none shall
gather them." 9:21-22
"Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will punish all them which are circumcised with the uncircumcised." I
guess that'd include just about everyone -- well, all the men anyway. 9:25-26
Jeremiah prays for the destruction of people and families that don't call on God's name.
Those who don't follow the Old Testament laws are cursed by God. 11:3
God "will bring evil upon" people from which they will not be able to
escape. And if they cry out to him for help, he will not help them. 11:11
God forbids others from praying for his victims. Such prayers would go unanswered anyway, he says,
because he "will not hear them in their time of trouble." 11:14
"For the Lord of hosts ... hath pronounced evil against thee."
Jeremiah prays for vengeance upon his enemies. 11:20
God will punish the people by killing their young men in war and starving their children to
Jeremiah asks God to drag away his enemies like "sheep for the slaughter."
God delivered his people "into the hand of her enemies." He "hates" his "dearly
beloved" people and plans to feed them to the birds. 12:7-9
God's sword will "devour" everyone until "no flesh shall have peace." 12:12
If any nation does not listen to God, he "will utterly pluck up and destroy that
God plans to make everyone in the kingdom drunk and then "dash the fathers and the sons
together." The merciful God of peace vows to "not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them." 13:12-14
"For the greatness of thine iniquity are thy skirts discovered, and thy heels made bare." 13:22
God tells Jeremiah not to pray for the people. God has decided to kill them all and he doesn't want to
be talked out of it. 14:11
God will ignore the peoples' prayers, and kill them all with war, starvation, and disease.
God will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the prophets, as well as the prophets
God tells Jeremiah not to bother praying for the people. Even if Moses and Samuel (and
Jesus?) were to ask him to reconsider, he wouldn't. He's going to kill everybody and nobody can stop him!
God has it all planned out. He'll kill some with the sword, some with famine, and he'll feed the rest to the dogs and birds.
Why will he do these terrible things? Because of something a former king did. 15:2-4
God again threatens Jerusalem with mass destruction. Here are some of the highlights:
He will kill children, make more widows than there are grains of
sand, terrorize cities, and then kill the survivors. 15:7-9
"A fire is kindled in mine anger, which shall burn upon you." 15:14
God tells Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he's
going to kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all "shall die of grievous
deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried, but "shall
be as dung upon the face of the earth." For he has removed peace, "lovingkindness," and mercy
from the people. 16:1-7
God will kill children if their parents worship other gods. 16:10-11
God will enslave the people of Judah because they worshipped the wrong gods.
Jeremiah asks God to bring evil upon his enemies and to "destroy them with double destruction."
If you don't honor the Sabbath, God will burn you to death unquenchable fire.
God is a bad potter. Don't complain about it. 18:1-6
God admits that he does evil things to people. 18:11
God will make the land desolate, "a perpetual hissing," so that "very one that passeth
thereby shall be astonished, and wag his head." 18:16
God will scatter the Israelites before their enemy. And then, on "the day of their
calamity," he'll show them his backside instead of his face. 18:17
Jeremiah asks God to kill the young men in war and the children by starvation.
"Forgive not their iniquity, neither blot out their sin from thy sight." 18:23
God will do so much evil to the people that whoever hears of it will have their ears tingle.
God will make parents eat their own children, and friends eat each other. 19:7-9
God will break those who worship other gods as though they were made of clay, killing
so many that there will not be enough room to bury them all. 19:11-13
"Thus saith the LORD ... I will bring upon this city and upon all her towns all the evil that I have pronounced against
it, because they have hardened their necks, that they might not hear my words." 19:15
Jeremiah prophesies his rival's death (along with his famly and friends). 20:4-6
God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an outstretched hand and
with a strong arm." 21:5
"I will smite the inhabitants of this city, both man and beast: they shall die of a great
God will deliver Zedekiah and those that survive the famine, disease, and war into Nebuchadrezzar's hand, and "he shall smite them with the edge of the sword; he shall not spare them, neither
have pity, nor have mercy. 21:7
God tells the Judeans to either surrender to the Babylonians and become their slaves or die.
"Behold, I am against thee." No kidding. 21:9-13
God will have Jeconiah's enemies kill him and his mother and then
ensure that he die without leaving any sons. 22:25-30
God promises to bring more evil upon his chosen people. 23:12
God promises to kill everyone by war, starvation, and disease. 24:10
Because the people of Judah were unfaithful to him, God will send the king of Babylon (Nebuchadrezzar) to destroy
Jerusalem and enslave Judah. 25:6-11
God says he is going to punish Nebuchadnezzar and the
Babylonians for what they have done to his people -- even though God Himself is the one who made the
Babylonians attack and enslave Judah! As part of the punishment God will take the land of the
Babylonians and "make it perpetual desolations." A false prophecy, since present-day Iraq is quite
God will force "all the kingdoms of the world" to drink "and be
drunken." Then he'll kill "all the inhabitants of the earth" with a sword. 25:15-29
God will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with their dead bodies.
No one is to mourn them or even bury them; "they shall be dung upon the ground." 25:33-38
God will destroy "the peaceable habitations" and make the land desolate "because of his fierce anger."
God tells Jeremiah to make a yoke, put it on his neck, and show it off to a long list of kings. The yoke was supposed to
demonstrate how God wants them all to serve Nebuchadrezzar, the king of Babylon. Only God could come up with a plan like that.
God enslaved entire nations and forced them to serve Nebuchadnezzar, "his servant". He even
gave him all the wild animals and forced them to serve him. 27:6,
Anyone who disobeys King Nebuchadnezzar will be punished "with the sword, and with the famine, and
with the pestilence, until I have consumed them by his hand." 27:8
Then God (if you are foolish enough to believe Jeremiah) steps in and settles the matter. He is going to force
every nation on earth to serve Nebuchadnezzar, along with all of the animals. 28:12-14
God kills Hananiah for disagreeing with Jeremiah. 28:16-17
God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword, the famine, and the pestilence." He "will make
them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil." 29:17-18
God will kill those who refuse listen to his prophets. 29:19
God will deliver Ahab and Zedekiah into the hands of Nebuchadrezzar "and he shall slay them
before your eyes" and Ahab will be "roasted
in the fire." 29:21-22
God will punish the children of Shemaiah for their father's false prophecy. 29:32
God punishes children for the sins of their parents. 32:18
God litters the ground "with the dead bodies of men" that he has killed in
his anger and fury. 33:5
To punish the people for refusing to free their slaves, God over-reacts (just a tad) by
threatening to send the sword, pestilence, and
famine, saying he'll feed their dead bodies to the fowls and beasts of the earth. 34:17-20
Because the Rechabites obeyed Jonadab by not drinking wine, while the people of Judah disobeyed God in some way or another,
God is going to do evil things to them. 35:17
"Judah will hear all the evil which I purpose to do unto them." 36:3
"I will punish him and his seed and his servants for their iniquity; and I will bring upon them, and upon the inhabitants of Jerusalem,
and upon the men of Judah, all the evil that I have pronounced against them." 36:31
"Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Behold, I will bring my words upon this city for evil, and not for good."
"The LORD thy God hath pronounced this evil upon this place." 40:2
"The LORD hath brought it, and done according as he hath said: because ye have sinned against the LORD,
and have not obeyed his voice, therefore this thing is come upon you." 40:3
All those who move to Egypt will die by the sword, famine, or pestilence. None "shall
escape from the evil" that comes directly from God. But many, including Jews, have moved to Egypt
and most seem to have escaped from God's promised evil. 42:15-18, 22
God explains why he had to bring evil on Judah: the people burned incense to other gods. 44:2-8
God's not finished with Judah. He'll bring more evil upon them. Even those Jews that flee to Egypt will not be spared.
God will hunt them down and kill them all with war, famine, and disease. 44:11-13
God is going to do some really bad things to the people because the women burned incense to the "Queen of
Heaven" (Mary?). 44:15-25
"I will watch over them for evil, and not for good." So begins another pronouncement of death and destruction on his chosen people.
God's killing rules:
If Ezekiel doesn't warn the wicked that God's going to kill them for being wicked, God will kill the wicked people and Ezekiel, too.
If Ezekiel warns the wicked, then God will kill the wicked people (if they don't change their wicked ways), but not Ezekiel.
If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling block before him," then God will kill him. "He shall die in his sin"
and whatever good he has done will be forgotten. And Ezekiel will be killed, too, if he didn't warn the good guy beforehand. 3:18-20
God punishes everyone in Israel with a drought and famine. 4:16-17
God will slaughter
everyone by killing one third with plagues, one third with famines, and one third
with wars. If any somehow survive, he'll send "evil beasts" to devour
them. Finally, after he's done killing, he "will be comforted."
God will force fathers to eat their sons and the to eat their fathers. 5:10
God will decorate the land with the bones and dead bodies of those who worship a different god.
God makes his presence known by killing people with famine, disease, and war. 6:7-14
God will pour out his fury on
everyone, with pity toward none. By so doing he says that
"ye shall know that I am the Lord that smiteth." 7:3-11
God's is mad at everyone and no one will escape his wrath. He'll kill them all with war,
disease, and starvation. "Horror shall cover them" and "they shall know that I am the Lord."
God promises again to slaughter everyone. He says that he will ignore them when they plead with him for mercy. 8:18
God sends a "man clothed with linen" to mark the foreheads of the men who will
be saved. Apparently only men are considered good enough to keep, the others (unmarked men,
"maids", little children, and women) are to be slaughtered. God says he'll "fill
the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no one. 9:4-11
"Go ye after him through the city, and smite: let not your eye spare, neither have ye pity." 9:5
"Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women." 9:6
"Fill the courts with the slain: go ye forth. And they went forth, and slew in the city." 9:7
"Mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity." 9:10
A spirit lifts up Ezekiel and transports him to the Lord's house, where he sees 25 men. God tells Ezekiel that he doesn't like these guys
because they said things like, "It is not near; let us build houses: this city is the caldron and we be the flesh." 11:1-3
So the spirit of the Lord falls on Ezekiel and tells him to to prophesy against them. 11:4-5
Ezekiel tells the 25 men that God is going to kill them. That way they'll know that God is the Lord. 11:8-12
"And it came to pass, when I prophesied, that Pelatiah ... died." 11:13
God will kill nearly everyone in one way or another (sword, famine, pestilence), but he’ll leave a few men
standing “to declare their abominations among the heathen.” 12:15-16, 20
God has Ezekiel do another clever demonstration: eat and drink carefully while shaking. That way, when the people see him doing that, they will know that God
is going to starve them to death, which will teach them that God is the Lord. 12:18-20
God again vows to destroy those that dare worship something or someone other than him.
God deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his lies.
When really bad things happen (like you or your children get eaten by wild beasts, get killed in war, get sick and die, etc.), then you'll know that it was God that did it to you.
And he won't spare children just because there are a few righteous people around. 14:13-21
God will burn the inhabitants of Jerusalem to show everyone that he is the Lord.
For being such a whore, God punished Jerusalem by starving the Israelites and handing
them over to the Philistines. 16:17
After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more.
Then he'll have her stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords." 16:38-41
"All souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine." 18:4a
A son who misbehaves by robbing, killing, eating on mountains, defiling his neighbor's wife,
oppressing the poor, looking at idols, loaning money with interest, or committing abomination (Lev 18:22 type
or otherwise) then that son must be killed. 18:10-13
God will kill you for making a single mistake; all your good deeds he will ignore.
"Ye say, The way of the LORD is not equal."
Even the Israelites recognized the injustice of "God's laws" more than 2500 years ago. 18:25, 29
God planned to "pour out [his] fury" on the Hebrews in
Egypt for worshipping idols. But then he changed his mind, thank God. 20:7-8
God threatens three times to kill all the Israelites for disobeying him, but
after thinking about it a bit, he decided not to. 20:8, 13, 21
God gave the Israelites "statutes that were not good and judgments whereby they should not live." He "polluted" them so that he "might make them desolate"
and force them to kill and sacrifice their children "that they might know" that he is the Lord. 20:25-26
God will set a fire in the southern kingdom that will devour everything and burn everyone. "And
all flesh shall see that I the LORD have kindled it." 20:47-48
God will kill everyone -- good and bad, just and unjust. 21:3-5
God is sharpening a sword for the slaughter of his people. 21:8-32
"Thou shalt be for fuel to the fire; thy blood shall be in the midst of the land ... for I the LORD
have spoken it." 21:32
God will gather all of Israel and consume them in the fires of his anger. 22:20-22
God couldn't find anyone to stand up to him, so he's going to destroy everyone. 22:30-31
Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and
bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was
discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the
surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off"
her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death.
"I will deliver thee into the hand of them whom thou hatest ... And they shall deal
with thee hatefully." 23:28-29
"I will do these things unto thee, because thou hast gone a whoring after the heathen ... Thou shalt be laughed to scorn and had in
derision ... thou shalt be filled with drunkenness and sorrow." 23:30-33
"The company shall
stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay
their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire." 23:47
God gets all excited about cooking with "scum" and human flesh, saying "kindle the fire, consume the
flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned. Her scum shall be in the fire." 24:3-14
God kills Ezekiel's wife and then tells him not to mourn her. 24:16-18
God killed Ezekiel's wife to demonstrate his intention to kill the Israelites' children. And just as God told Ezekiel not to mourn his wife's death,
God forbids the parents to mourn the death of their children. 24:21-24
God will kill everyone that claps his hands or stamps his feet "against the land of Israel."
When he's done with the killing everyone will know that he is the Lord. 25:6-7
"I will execute judgments upon Moab; and they shall know that I am the LORD." 25:11
God will send Israelites to slaughter the people of Edom. 25:13-14
God will "stretch out his hand" to the Philistines (to kill them all). 25:16-17
God says he will destroy Tyrus. He plans to kill everyone, but he is especially looking
forward to killing all of the women. "And her daughters which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and
they shall know that I am the LORD." 26:1-21
Now God has singled out the king of Tyre for his tirades. 28:7-10, 18-19
Watch out or God will make you "die the deaths of the uncircumcised," which is,
no doubt, a most unpleasant death. 28:10
God says that Zidon will know that he is the Lord when he \ sends "pestilence and blood
into her streets." 28:22-23
God tells Ezekiel to prophesy against the pharaoh and against all Egypt. God says he will feed
the Egyptians to the birds and beasts. 29:2-9
God will punish Egypt and her allies by sending Nebuchadrezzar to "fill the land with
the slain." Then he will make "the rivers dry," sell the land to "the
wicked," make "the land waste," light fires, and kill all their young men with
the sword. 30:4-26
"And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire in Egypt." (The Divine Pyromaniac)
30:8, 30:14, 30:16
"Thou shalt lie in the midst of the uncircumcised with them that be slain by the sword. This is Pharaoh and all his multitude, saith the Lord GOD."
God will treat Pharaoh like a whale fished out of the sea. Every bird and beast in the world
will feed upon him. 32:3-6
God will vex the hearts of many people, destroy entire nations, brandish his sword, kill animals,
and cause floods. In this way people will come to know him (just before he kills them?).
God takes a break from killing people while he kills all the animals in Egypt.
Pharaoh and all his multitude, along with the uncircumcised, will be killed with the sword.
When God is getting ready to kill people with the sword, it's the watchman's duty to warn them about it by
blowing a trumpet. If the people hear the trumpet but don't "take warning," then God will kill the people but not the watchman. But if the watchman doesn't
blow the trumpet when he sees God coming, then God will kill the people and the watchman. 33:2-6
God tells Ezekiel that he is the watchman. So the usual watchman rules apply to him. 33:7-9
If a "righteous" person does something wrong, God will forget every good thing
that that person has ever done. Then God will kill him for the single mistake.
"Yet the children of thy people say, The way of the Lord is not equal."
The Israelites rightly recognize the injustice in God's killing rules. 33:17, 20
God plans some more killing by the sword, beasts, and the pestilence. 33:27-29
God tells Ezekiel about his plans for the Edomites (Seir). He's going to kill them all. That way they'll know for sure that he is the Lord.
"Thou shalt come up against my people of Israel ... in the latter days, and I will bring thee against my land, that the heathen may know me ... O Gog."
God will cause each man's sword to be against his brother; he will send disease and make
it rain fire and brimstone. He says that by doing this he'll magnify and sanctify himself and let
everyone know that he is the Lord. 38:21-23
God will have birds and beasts eat human flesh and drink human blood until
they are full and drunken. 39:4, 17-20, 28
God sets a fire on Magog and feeds Gog and all of his people to the birds and beasts. He did all this to let them know that he is the Lord.
After the Israelites spend seven years burying Gog's soldiers, God (somehow) feed their bodies to the birds and beasts and gets t
hem drunk on their blood. 39:17-28
"They have even defiled my holy name by their abominations that they have committed: wherefore I have consumed them in mine anger."
"The prince shall not take of the people's inheritance by oppression, to thrust them out of their possession;
but he shall give his sons inheritance out of his own possession: that my people be not scattered every man from his possession."
This verse is used by Republicans to justify protecting the rich from taxation. 46:18
God gives a huge chunk of land to Israel, dividing it equally among the tribes -- except for Joseph, who gets a double portion.
(What did the Palestinians get?) 47:13
"The Lord gave Jehoiakim king of Judah into his [Nebuchadnezzar's] hand." 1:2
"He removeth kings, and setteth up kings."
Monarchy is God's preferred form of government. God chooses the kings and then removes them when he feels like it. 2:21
And it all happened just like Daniel said it would. Nebuchadnezzar lived with the animals and ate grass like an ox. His hair was like
eagles' feathers and his nails like birds' claws. 4:28-33
After going through a rather bizarre ordeal, inflicted upon him by God, Nebuchadnezzar heaps praise upon God -- in whose eyes
"all the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing." 4:34-37
After Daniel gave Belshazzar the bad news, Belshazzar rewarded him by making him the "third ruler in the kindgdom." Later that night
Belshazzar died. (Did God kill him?) 5:29-30
King Darius, after trying to feed Daniel to the lions, orders those who accused Daniel (and their wives and children) to be cast into the lion den. "And the lions ... brake all their bones in pieces."
The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael, Gaza, Tyrus, Teman,
Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10,
12, 14; 2:2,
"I will ... cut off the inhabitant from the plain of Aven ... and the people of Syria shall go into captivity." 1:5
"I will cut off the inhabitant from Ashdod, and him that holdeth the sceptre from Ashkelon, and I will turn mine hand against Ekron:
and the remnant of the Philistines shall perish, saith the Lord GOD." 1:8
God says there are three or four reasons for him to punish Moab. But he only
mentions one: "because he burned the bones of the king of Edom." So God burned Moab because
they burned some bones. 2:1
God's creative ways of kiilling people and breaking things. 3:12-15
God afflicted the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine,) drought, blasting, and mildew. He killed them with pestilence,
slaughtered them with the sword, and "made the stink of their camps come up into their noses." Destroyed them like they were from Sodom
and Gomorrah. And yet they still didn't return to him. What is wrong with people? 4:6-11
"Therefore thus will I do unto thee .... Prepare to meet thy God, O Israel." 4:12
"For thus saith the Lord GOD; The city that went out by a thousand shall leave an hundred, and that
which went forth by an hundred shall leave ten." 5:3
"Seek the LORD, and ye shall live; lest he break out like fire in the house of Joseph, and devour it." 5:6
When there is wailing and mourning, you'll know God's been there. 5:16-17
God rejects the Israelites prayers, songs, and sacrifices because they
worshipped other gods and didn't offer enough sacrifices during the Exodus (many
centuries ago). To punish them he'll make them all slaves. 5:21-27
"The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself ... I abhor the excellency of Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city."
God swears to himself that he hates Jacob's palaces, so he will deliver up the city (and kill everyone in it). 6:8
God says, "If there remain ten men in one house, that they shall die." 6:9
"The LORD commandeth, and he will smite the great house with breaches, and the little house with clefts."
(God will destroy people's houses.) 6:11
"I will raise up against you a nation, O house of Israel,
saith the LORD the God of hosts; and they shall afflict you." 6:14
Next God sends a fire that consumes both land and sea. 7:4
God will kill the house of Jeroboam with the sword. 7:9-11
Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will be
killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. 7:17
God tells Amos that the end has come for the people of Israel. He won't wait any longer
to kill them all. 8:2
"The songs of the temple shall be howlings in that day, saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place." 8:3
God will "cut them in the head" and "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten,
at God's command, by a sea-serpent. God will set his "eyes upon them for evil, not for good." 9:1-4
God will melt the land with his touch and then drown it in a flood. 9:5
God will destroy the "the sinful kingdom" and "all the sinners" among his people. 9:8-10
"The inhabitant of Maroth waited carefully for good: but evil came down from the LORD." 1:12
"Behold, against this family do I devise an evil." 2:3
God accuses the Israelite leaders of plucking off skin, flesh from bones, eating human flesh, flaying off skin, breaking bones,
chopping bodies in pieces, making human stew. To punish them he will ignore them when they call on him. 3:1-4
Because the leaders of the nation were corrupt, God plans to punish everyone.
God will strengthen the Israelites so they can "beat in pieces
many peoples" and give the booty to God. 4:13
"They shall waste the land of Assyria with the sword." 5:6
Like a young lion "the remnant of Jacob" will tear the Gentiles to pieces.
"Thine hand shall be lifted up upon thine adversaries, and all thine
enemies shall be cut off." 5:9
God will "cut off" the witches and soothsayers. 5:11-12
God will destroy entire cities, and "execute vengeance in anger and fury
upon the heathen such as they have not heard." 5:14-15
God will make his people sick, hungry, and desolate. Those who
survive he will "give up to the sword." 6:13-16
The Gentiles will be made deaf, shall lick dust and be forced to crawl like
worms from fear of God and his people. 7:16-17
"If ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Fair is fair! 6:15
Jesus recommends that to avoid sin we cut off our hands and pluck out our eyes. This advice is given immediately
after he says that anyone who looks with lust at any women commits adultery. 5:29-30
Jesus says that most people will go to hell. 7:13-14
Those who fail to bear "good fruit" will be "hewn down, and cast into the fire." 7:19
"My servant lieth at home sick."
Here was the perfect opportunity for Jesus to condemn slavery. All he'd have to do is say, "OK,
I'll heal him. But then you must set your slave free, because slavery is an abomination to God."
"The children of the kingdom [the Jews] shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and
gnashing of teeth." 8:12
Jesus tells a man who had just lost his father: "Let the dead bury the
Jesus sends some devils into a herd of pigs, causing them to run off a cliff and drown in the waters
Jesus heals a paralytic man by forgiving his sins. (Paralysis is caused by sinful behavior.) 9:2-6
Jesus tells his disciples to keep away from
the Gentiles and Samaritans, and go only to the Israelites. 10:5-6
Cities that neither "receive"
the disciples nor "hear" their words will be destroyed by God. It will
be worse for them than for Sodom and Gomorrah. And you know what God supposedly
did to those poor folks (see Gen 19:24).
Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come
true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents,
and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
Jesus says that we should fear God who is willing and "able to destroy both soul and body in hell."
"Whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven."
Jesus says that he has come to destroy families by making family members hate each other. He has "come not to
send peace, but a sword." 10:34-36
Jesus warns us not to love our parents or children too much. We have to make sure that we always love him (who we
don't even know existed) more than our family. 10:37
Jesus condemns entire cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal torment of hell because they didn't care for his
"Every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment." 12:36
When Jesus' mother and brothers want to see him, Jesus rudely asks, "Who is my mother? Who are my
brothers?" So much for Jesus' family values. 12:47-49
Jesus explains that the reason he speaks in parables is so that no one will understand him, "lest ... they ... should
understand ... and should be converted, and I should heal them." 13:10-15
"For whosoever hath, to him shall be
given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall
be taken away even that he hath." Isn't this from the Republican Party
Jesus will send his angels to gather up "all that offend" and they "shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there
shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth." 13:41-42, 50
Jesus is criticized by the Pharisees for not
washing his hands before eating. He defends himself by attacking them for not
killing disobedient children according to the commandment: "He that curseth
father or mother, let him die the death." (See Ex 21:15,
Lev 20:9, Dt 21:18-21)
So, does Jesus think that children who curse their parents should be killed? It
sure sounds like it. 15:4-7
"Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up." 15:13
Jesus refuses to heal the Canaanite woman's possessed daughter, saying "it is not meet to
take the children's bread, and to cast it to the dogs." 15:22-26
The ever-so-kind Jesus calls the Pharisees "hypocrites, wicked, and adulterous." Why? For asking for some
evidence that Jesus is who he claims to be. 16:3-4
"Whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall
If you want to stay alive, you must lose your life (kill yourself?) for Jesus' sake.
Jesus condemns the whole world, saying "Woe unto the world because of offenses." 18:7
Jesus advises his followers to mutilate themselves by cutting off their hands and plucking out their eyes. He says it's
better to be "maimed" than to suffer "everlasting fire." 18:8-9
In the parable of the unforgiving servant, the king threatens to enslave a man and his entire family to pay for a debt.
This practice, which was common at the time, seems not to have bothered Jesus very much.
The parable ends with this: "So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you." If you are cruel to others,
God will be cruel to you. 18:23-35
"And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors." 18:34
Rich people don't go to heaven. For as Jesus says, "It is easier for a camel to go
through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 19:29
The parable of the unfair, lying employer
The kingdom of heaven is like a business that hires workers, paying each the same wage (one penny). Some work 12 hours for the penny;
others 9, 6, or 3 hours; and others for only one hour. If one of the 12-hour workers complains about it, his boss says,
"Hey, didn't you agree to work all day for a penny? What are you complaining about? From this parable, David Barton (and the Republicans)
claim that Jesus was against the minimum wage.
But the employer didn't say he'd pay each of the workers a penny; he said he'd pay them "whatsoever is right" (vv.4,7).
Is it right for one employee to be paid twelve times as much as another when both are doing the same type of work? 20:1-15
"Jesus ... touched their eyes: and immediately their eyes received sight." 20:34
God is like a rich man who owns a vineyard and rents it to poor farmers. When he sends servants to collect the rent,
the tenants beat or kill them. So he sent his son to collect the rent, and they kill him too. Then the owner comes and kills
the farmers and rents the vineyard to others. 21:33-41
"Whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder."
Whoever falls on "this stone" (Jesus) will be broken, and whomever the stone falls on will be ground into powder.
In the parable of the marriage feast, the king sends his servants to gather everyone they can find, both bad and
good, to come to the wedding feast. One guest didn't have on his wedding garment, so the king tied him up and "cast him
into the outer darkness" where "there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
Jesus condemns the Jews for being "the children of them which killed the prophets."
Jesus blames his the Jews (who were then living) for "all the righteous blood" from Abel to
The end of the world will be signaled by wars, famines, disease, and earthquakes (6-7). And that's just
"the beginning of sorrows" (8). Next believers will be hated and killed by unbelievers (9), believers will hate and betray each other (10), false
prophets will fool people (11), iniquity will abound and love wax cold (12). But hey, if you make through all that, you'll be saved (13).
Only one more thing will happen before the end comes: the gospel will be preached throughout the world (14). Well, that and the abomination
of desolations will stand in the holy place (15), many false Christs and false prophets will show great signs and wonders (24), the sun and moon
will be darkened and the stars will fall (29), the sign of the son of Man will appear in the sky, everyone on earth will mourn, and then,
finally, the great and powerful son of Man will come in all his glory (30).
Oh, and all these things will happen within the lifespan of Jesus' contemporaries (34).
Or maybe not. Jesus was talking about things he knew nothing about (36). (See Mark 13:32.)
Jesus had no problem with the idea of drowning everyone on earth in the flood. It'll be just like that when he
God will come when people least expect him and then he'll "cut them asunder." And "there shall be weeping and
gnashing of teeth." 24:50-51
The parable of the cruel and unjust master
The kingdom of heaven is like a rich man who distributed his wealth to his servants while he traveled. He gave
five talents (a talent was a unit of money, worth about 20 years of a worker's wages) to one servant, two to another,
and one to a third. When he returned, the servant with five talents had made five more, the servant with two made two more,
but the servant with one talent only had the talent his master entrusted to him. The master rewarded the servants that
invested his money (without his permission -- what would have happened if the stock market went down during their
master's travels?) and took the talent from the single-talent servant and gave it to the one with ten talents. "For
unto every one that hath shall be given .. but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath."
Then the cruel and unjust master cast the servant who carefully protected his master's talent into the "outer darkness:
[where] there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." 25:14-30
"Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents." 25:27
Jesus will give to those who already have and take from those who have nothing. He must've been a Republican.
The servant who kept and returned his master's talent was cast into the "outer darkness" where there will be
"weeping and gnashing of teeth." 25:30
Jesus initially refuses to cast out a devil from a Syrophoenician (non-Jewish) woman's daughter, calling the woman a "dog".
After much pleading, he finally agrees to cast out the devil. 7:27
If you're ashamed of Jesus, he'll be ashamed of you. 8:38
Jesus gets mad at his disciples for failing to cast out a devil and says, "O faithless generation, how long shall I be with
you? how long shall I suffer you? 9:19
Jesus tells us to cut off our hands and feet, and pluck out our eyes to avoid going to hell.
Jesus says that rich people cannot go to heaven. For "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than
for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 10:25
Jesus will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29-30
God is like a rich man who owns a
vineyard and rents it to poor farmers. When he sends servants to collect the rent, the tenants beat or kill them. So
he sent his son to collect the rent, and they kill him too. Then the owner comes and kills the farmers and gives the
vineyard to others. 12:1-9
In the last days God will make things especially rough on pregnant women.
Ointment for Jesus' head is more important than helping the poor. 14;3-7
Jesus says that those that believe and are baptized will be saved, while those who don't
will be damned. 16:16
Zechariah asks the angel Gabriel how his wife Elizabeth could become pregnant, since she is "stricken with years."
Gabriel makes him "dumb" just for asking. 1:20
"How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?"
Just a few verses earlier (1:17-20), Zacharias is struck dumb for
doubting his wife's angel-assisted pregnancy. Why wasn't Mary punished for her
Those who fail to bear "good fruit" will be "hewn down, and cast into the
"Be content with your wages" -- no matter how unjust they may be.
John the Baptist says that Christ will burn the damned "with fire unquenchable." 3:17
Jesus cures a paralytic by forgiving his sins, thereby proving that he is God
(since only God can forgive sins) and paralysis is caused by sin. 5:18-25
Jesus says that people who are rich, well-fed, happy, or respected are going to hell. 6:24-26
"That he would come and heal his servant"
Here was the perfect opportunity for Jesus to condemn slavery. All he'd have to do is say, "OK,
I'll heal him. But then you must set your slave free, because slavery is wrong." 7:2-10
Jesus speaks in parables so that people won't understand him. 8:10
"Whosoever hath, to him shall be given; and whosoever hath not,
from him shall be taken even that which he seemeth to have." Jesus was the first Republican. 8:18
Jesus, when told that his mother and brothers want to see him, ignores and insults them by saying that his
mother and brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it. 8:20-21
Jesus heals a naked man who was possessed by many devils by sending the devils into a herd of pigs, causing them to run off
a cliff and drown in the sea. This messy, cruel, and expensive (for the owners of the pigs) treatment did not favorably
impress the local residents, and Jesus was asked to leave. 8:27-37
Jesus speaks harshly to his disciples because they couldn't cure epilepsy by casting out devils. 9:41
Jesus says that entire cities will be violently destroyed and the inhabitants "thrust down to hell" for not
"receiving" his disciples. 10:10-15
Jesus blames all the deaths of the prophets [from Abel(?) to Zacharias] on his generation. 11:47-50
Jesus says that we should fear God since he has the power to kill us and then torture us forever in hell.
"He that denieth me before men shall be denied before the angels of God." 12:9
Those who "blaspheme against the Holy Ghost" will never be forgiven. 12:10
Jesus says that God is like a slave-owner who beats his slaves "with many stripes" and cuts them in pieces.
"Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division." 12:51
Jesus calls the people hypocrites because they cannot "discern this time." 12:56
"Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish." 13:3, 5
According to Jesus, only a few will be saved; the vast majority will suffer eternally in hell where "there shall be
weeping and gnashing of teeth." 13:23-30
Jesus says that his disciples must hate their families (mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives,
children) and themselves. 14:26
If you want to be a disciple of Jesus, you must abandon everything, including your family.
"Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of
unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations." 16:9
"If therefore ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will
commit to your trust the true riches?" 16:11
In the parable of the rich man and Lazarus, the rich man goes to hell, because as Abraham explains, he had a
good life on earth and so now he will be tormented. Whereas Lazarus, who was miserable on earth, is now in heaven.
This seems fair to Jesus. 16:19-31
Jesus believed the story of Noah's ark. He thought it really happened and had no problem with
the idea of God drowning everything and everybody. 17:26-27
Jesus also believes the story about Sodom's destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in
the day the son of man is revealed ... Remember Lot's wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of science and
history, and his sense of justice. 17:29-32
The parable of the avenging, lazy, unjust judge (God). 18:1-6
Rich people cannot go to heaven. "For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a
rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." 18:25
In the parable of the talents, Jesus says that God takes what is not rightly his, and reaps what he didn't sow.
The parable ends with the words: "bring them [those who preferred not to be ruled by him] hither, and slay
them before me." 19:12-27
"Take from him the pound, and give it to him that hath ten pounds. (And they said unto him, Lord, he hath ten pounds.)
For I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him."
These verses are used by Republicans to justify protecting the rich from taxation. 19:24-26
Jesus believed the stupid and vicious story from Numbers 21.
(God sent snakes to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water.
Then God told Moses to make a brass snake to cure them from the bites.) 3:14
As an example to parents everywhere and to save the world (from himself), God had his own son tortured and killed.
People are damned or saved depending only on what they believe.
Jesus magically perceived that a Samaritan woman had been married and divorced five times previously.
(He could spot a divorced woman a mile away.) Since women weren't allowed to get a divorce, it was always the woman's fault
and divorced women were considered outcasts. This was a great opportunity for Jesus to explain why the Mosaic marriage laws
were unjust and correct them -- if he thought they were wrong, that is, which apparently he didn't. 4:7-18
Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He tells a crippled man, after healing him, to
"sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14
Jesus knew who could stomach the idea of eating his flesh and drinking his blood (the
Catholics, who are going to heaven) and who couldn't (the Protestants, who are going to hell). It's all a part of God's plan
and we have nothing to do with it. 6:64-66
Jesus tells his family that he wasn't going to the feast, but later goes "in secret."
If you don't believe in Jesus, you will "die in your sins" (and then go to hell).
Jesus calls his opponents (the Jews) the sons of the devil. 8:44
The disciples ask Jesus about the cause of a man's blindness. Was it because he or his parents sinned? Jesus said neither
had sinned. The man was born blind so that Jesus could show off his powers by curing him of his blindness.
Jesus says that he has come to make people blind. 9:39
"All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers."
Everyone that ever lived before Jesus was a thief and a robber. 10:8
Lararus must suffer and die (or pretend to die) so that Jesus can "be glorified" by raising
him from the dead. 11:4
Mary wastes expensive ointment on Jesus' feet, rather than selling the ointment and
giving the money to the poor. But Jesus thinks his feet are more important, saying that poor people will
always be around, but he and his precious feet won't be. (According to the New Oxford Annotated Bible, 300 denarii
would be nearly a year's wage for a laborer.) 12:3-8
You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go to hell after you die.)
The reason people didn't believe in Jesus was that God had "blinded their eyes, and hardened their heart." God
did this so that they would not "understand with their heart, and be converted." This way God could damn more
people to hell. 12:40
If you don't believe in Jesus you are going to hell. 12:48
Jesus is the only way to heaven. All other religions lead to hell. 14:6
"He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me:
and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father."
If you follow Jesus' teachings, God will love you -- otherwise... well, you know.
Those who do not believe in Jesus will be cast into a fire to be burned.
Now that Jesus has come, non-believers have no excuse for not believing in him.
"None of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled."
Jesus "lost" Judas in order to fulfill scripture. 17:12
With his usual intolerance, Paul condemns homosexuals (including lesbians). This is the only clear reference to
lesbians in the Bible. 1:26-28
Homosexuals (those "without natural affection") and their supporters (those "that have pleasure in them") are
"worthy of death" - along with gossips, boasters, and disobedient children. 1:31-32
Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The
obvious answer to this is, yes. Paul then quickly adds, "I speak as a man." What else could he speak as? A donkey or a
god, perhaps? 3:5
Paul says that those who accuse him of lying deserve damnation. 3:8
The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an innocent victim.
"If ... we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son", then God is truly a monster. 5:10
God punishes everyone for someone else's sin; then he saves them by killing an innocent victim.
"By the offence of one judgment came upon all men to condemnation." 5:18
"For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the
obedience of one shall many be made righteous."
It's difficult to imagine a more unjust system. 5:19
God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20
Everyone is predestined by God to be either saved or damned; they can do nothing to affect their final
No one can oppose Christians since God is on their side. 8:31
"He that spareth not his own son" shouldn't be trusted by anyone. 8:32
A Christian cannot be accused of any wrongdoing. 8:33
God makes some people that are destined to go to heaven and others that will go to hell. There is nothing that they
can do to change the will of God. Paul says that this is how it should be, saying: "What if God, willing to show his wrath,
and to make his power known" damns most of mankind to eternal torments of hell for things they either didn't do or
couldn't avoid doing? 9:11-22
God blinded the Jews so they wouldn't recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 11:7-10, 25
"Salvation is come unto the Gentiles, for to provoke them [the Jews] to jealousy." 11:11
"As concerning the gospel, they are enemies for your sakes: but as touching the election,
they are beloved for the father's sakes."
Jews are enemies to Christians, but God loves them for their ancestors' sake. 11:28
Gentiles used to be unbelievers, but now the Jews are the unbelievers and God saves gentiles through Jewish unbelief. It's all a part of
God's plan. 11:30
Non-believing Jews will obtain mercy through the mercy of believers. 11:31
"The powers that be are ordained of God." Whoever resists them will be damned.
"He that doubteth is damned ... Whosoever is not of faith is sin." 14:23
Shun those who disagree with your religious views. 16:17
"I [God] will destroy the wisdom of the wise." 1:19
Christians can judge everything and everybody, but no non-Christian can judge them.
If you defile the temple of God, God will destroy you. 3:17
Paul, judging from rumors alone, complains
that there are fornicators among his followers in Corinth; he is even worried
that some have had sex with their fathers' wives. He says that those who have
done these things should be "delivered to Satan for the destruction of the flesh" so that their
soul can be saved. 5:1-5
A believer should not sue another believer in court. 6:1-7
"Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world?" 6:2
Paul lists ten things that will keep you out of heaven, including homosexuality and being
Everything is lawful to Paul, and he submits himself to no law. 6:12,
Slaves should not desire their freedom. Yet they should not be the servants of men.
Paul quotes Dt 25:4, "Thou shalt not muzzle the mouth of the ox that
treadeth out the corn." That sounds like a nice humane law. Until Paul explains it, that is. He asks, "Does God care about oxen?", and
then answers his own rhetorical question by saying, "Hell no. The law is for our sakes." 9:9-10
"I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some."
Paul says he'll do whatever it takes to make people believe in order to save them from a God who will torture them for their honest disbelief.
Paul claims that God killed 23,000 in a plague for "committing whoredom with the daughters
of Moab 10:8
If you tempt Christ (How could you tempt Christ?), you'll will die from snake bites.
If you murmur, you'll be destroyed by the destroyer (God). 10:10
Those that "eateth and drinketh unworthily" will go to hell. 11:27
Women are commanded by Paul to be silent in church and to be obedient to men. He further says that "if they
will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in
Those who don't love Jesus are to be "anathema" (damned). 16:22
The elect and the damned are predestined by God. 1:4
God is planning a messy, mass murder in "the wrath to come" and only Jesus can save you from it.
Paul accuses "the Jews" of killing Jesus, persecuting the prophets, displeasing God, and being "contrary to
all men." He concludes that the wrath of God will "come upon them to the uttermost.
Christians shouldn't mourn the death of their fellow believers. They'll be OK and you'll see them later in heaven. The people you should
mourn are dead nonbelievers. They have no hope (because they're going to hell). 4:13
"Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn
not to blaspheme." Apparently (see 2 Tim 2:16-18
and 4:14-15) their "blasphemy" was disagreeing with Paul. 1:20
You should help a widow only if she: has no children or nephews;
is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time; is not living in pleasure (a widow living in pleasure is the living dead);
is over 60 years old; had only one husband; has raised children; has lodged strangers; has washed the saints' feet; has relieved
the afflicted; and has diligently followed every good work. 5:3-10
Never help a young widow (one under 60 years old). When they wax wanton against Christ, they'll get
married, and be damned to hell for rejecting their faith. Besides, young widows are idle busybodies, wandering around from house to house saying
things they shouldn't say. They should get married and have children (though
they'll be damned to hell for it). Heck, some of them have already turned aside after Satan. 5:11-15
Publicly humiliate those who sin by announcing their sins in front of God and everybody so
"that others may also fear." 5:20
Slaves ("servants" in the KJV) should treat their masters "worthy of all honor, that the
name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed." This is especially true when both slave and owner are Christians. Anyone that teaches otherwise
is a proud know-nothing. 6:1-4
Jews are unruly liars "whose mouths must be stopped." 1:10-11
The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12
Slaves must obey their masters and "please them well in all things ... showing all good fidelity."
"Not by works ... but ... by the washing ... of the Holy Ghost."
People aren't saved by doing good things, but by the arbitrary decision of God. He decides who gets washed by the Holy
Ghost and who doesn't. Hasa diga eebowai. 3:5
Heretics are to be rejected since they are subverted, sinners, and condemned by God. 3:10-11
Paul returns the runaway slave, Onesimus, to his "rightful owner", Philemon. This was, of course, a great opportunity for Paul
(and God) to condemn slavery -- if he (and God) had anything against it, that is. But he doesn't. Instead he returns the slave to his
owner without a word against the institution of slavery. 1:12
Every skeptic and nonbeliever has "an evil heart of unbelief." 3:12
It is impossible for fallen-away Christians to be saved. (Didn't the author know about confession or the finality
of being saved?) 6:4-6
"That which beareth thorns and briers is rejected, and is nigh unto cursing; whose end is to be burned."
Apostates will burn in hell with the other non-believers. 6:8
"Melchisedec ... to whom also Abraham gave a tenth part of all."
Abraham gave Melchisedec one-tenth of all of the booty from "the slaughter of the kings,"
setting a fine example for religious hucksters everywhere. 7:1-2
God will not forgive anyone unless something is killed for him in a bloody manner. 9:13-22
"A certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which
shall devour the adversaries." God will soon destroy non-believers in a fiery hell. 10:27
Those who disobeyed the Old Testament law were killed without mercy. It will be much worse for those who displease
"Vengeance belongeth unto me, I will recompense, saith the Lord." 10:30
"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." 10:31
If you're not a Christian, it's impossible to please God. 11:6
"By faith Noah ... condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith." 11:7
"Abraham ... offered up Isaac ... his only begotten son." (And this was a good thing? How fucked up is that?) 11:17
The Israelites kept the passover and sprinkled blood on doorposts so that God wouldn't kill their firstborn children (like he did the Egyptians
in Exodus 12:29).
God saved Rahab because she believed. (He killed all the non-believers in Jericho.) 11:31
"Time would fail me to tell of Gideon, and of Barak, and of Samson, and of Jephthah; of David also, and Samuel,
and of the prophets." The heroes of faith: Gideon, Samson, Jephthah,
David, and Samuel. It would be hard to find a more monstrous group than these guys. 11:32
God ordered animals to be "stoned, or thrust through with a dart" if they "so much as ... touch the mountain."
If you "keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, "you are guilty of all." 2:10
"He shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy." 2:13
James says Abraham was justified by works (for being willing to
kill his son for God); Paul (Romans 4:2-3) says he
was justified by faith (for believing that God would order him to do such an
evil act). 2:21
"Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss."
If your prayers are not answered, it's your own damned fault. 4:3
Whoever is a friend of the world is an enemy of God. 4:4
We are all, according to Peter, predestined to be saved or damned. We have no say in the matter. It was all
determined by "the sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ."1:2
"Submit yourselves ... to the king ... for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well."
Monarchy is the Biblically-approved form of government whose purpose is to punish evildoers and praise do-gooders.
According to Peter, kings reign by divine right and everyone, therefore, should "honor the king."
God drowned everyone on earth except for Noah and his family. 3:20
Things may get rough for Christians, but it will really be hell for nonbelievers. 4:17-18
Don't associate with non-Christians. Don't receive them into your house or even exchange greeting
with them. This is the biblical justification for "Disfellowshipping" among the Jehovah's Witnesses.
False Jews are members of "the synagogue of Satan." 2:9
"I [Jesus] will kill her children with death." 2:23
Those in Thyatira that obey God/Jesus until the end will rule everyone else with an iron rod. They'll even get to smash
the others into pieces. He'll even throw in the morning star (the planet Venus?). 2:26-28
God will make "the synagogue of Satan" [the Jews] "come and worship before thy feet." (Whose
feet? Well, the feet of Christians, of course!) 3:9
God gives someone on a white horse a bow and sends him out to conquer people.
God gave power to someone on a red horse "to take from the earth ... that they should kill one another."
God tells Death and Hell to kill one quarter of the earth's
population with the sword, starvation, and "with the beasts of the earth." 6:8
The martyrs just can't wait until everyone else is slaughtered. God gives them a white robe
and tells them to wait until he's done with his killing spree. 6:10-11
God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants
of your God on their foreheads." This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the
environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea"
just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job. 7:3
God sends his angels to destroy a third part of all the trees, grass, sea
creature, mountains, sun, moon, starts, and water. 8:7-13
"Many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter." 8:11
The angels are instructed not to "hurt the grass [how could they? He already had all the grass killed in 8:7] ...
but only those men which have not the seal of God on their foreheads." God tells his angels not to kill them, but rather
torment them with scorpions for five months. Those tormented will want to die, but God won't let them.
God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They
sting people and hurt them for five months. 9:7-10
Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population.
Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and
two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their mouths.
God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers
into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6
When the witnesses ascend into heaven, an earthquake kills 7000 men. This was the second woe. "The
third woe cometh quickly." 11:13-14
The devil, after he is expelled from heaven, is sent down to earth to wreak havoc on its inhabitants.
Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.")
Those who receive the mark of the beast will "drink of the wine of the wrath of God ... and shall be
tormented with fire and brimstone ... and the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever."
Seven angels with seven plagues are filled with the wrath of God. 15:1, 7
The seven vials of wrath: 1) sores, 2) sea turned to blood, 3) rivers turned to blood, 4) people scorched with
fire, 5) people gnaw their tongues in pain, 6) Euphrates dries up, 7) thunder, lightning, earthquake, and hail.
"There fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men which had the mark of the beast." 16:2
"The second angel poured out his vial upon the sea; and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea."
"The third angel poured out his vial upon the rivers and fountains of waters;
and they became blood." 16:4
The angel says God is righteous for turning rivers into blood. Well, it's an interesting point of view.
But I'd say he's a raving lunatic. 16:5
Another angel tells God how righteous he is because he gives saints blood to drink. 16:7
"Power was given unto him [the fourth angel] to scorch men with fire." 16:8
"The fifth angel poured out his vial ... and they gnawed their tongues for pain." 16:10
Even after being burned alive, those nasty people wouldn't repent! 16:11
The sixth angel dries up the Euphrates river. 16:12
God destroyed every island and mountain (just for the hell of it). 16:20
Christians will fight in the war between Jesus and those allied with the beast.