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Highlights from the Skeptic's Annotated Bible

    Genesis

  1. The two contradictory creation stories  1:1-2:3, 2:4-25

  2. God's clever, talking serpent  3:1

  3. God's curse of all women  3:16

  4. The "sons of God" copulated with the "daughters of men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2-4

  5. "There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4

  6. God, the mass murderer  7:4, 19:24

  7. Noah, the just and righteous  7:1

  8. Noah, the drunk and naked  9:20-21

  9. The curse of Canaan  9:22-25

  10. Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)] offers his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers  19:8

  11. A drunken Lot impregnates his daughters  19:30-36

  12. Abraham abandons his first son  21:10, 12

  13. God tells Abraham to kill his second son for a burnt offering  22:2, 10

  14. Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake  29:23, 25

  15. Rachel buys sex with mandrakes  30:15-16

  16. Jacob sees God face to face and lives  32:30

  17. Reuben has sex with his father's [Jacob's] concubine  35:22

  18. Onan spills his seed; God kills Onan  38:9, 10

  19. Judah impregnates his daughter in law  38:16, 18

    Exodus

  20. God teaches Moses some magic tricks. 4:2-9, 7:8-11, 7:17-20

  21. God hardens the Pharaoh's heart.  4:21, 7:3, 7:13, 9:12, 10:1, 10:20, 10:27, 11:10, 14:4, 14:8

  22. God tries to kill Moses.  4:23-25

  23. God's first plague on the Egyptians: Rivers turned to blood. 7:17-22
    (Pharaoh's magicians knew this trick, too.) 

  24. Second Plague: Frogs. (Pharaoh's magicians do likewise.)  8:2-7

  25. Third Plague: Lice. (Pharaoh's magicians couldn't do this one!)  8:16-18

  26. Fourth Plague: Flies.  8:21-24

  27. Fifth Plague: God kills the cattle.  9:3

  28. Sixth Plague: Boils.  9:9

  29. Seventh Plague: Hail.  9:19

  30. Eighth Plague: Locusts.  10:5

  31. Ninth Plague: Darkness.  10:21

  32. Tenth Plague: God kills firstborn children and animals.  12:29-30

  33. God murders the Egyptian firstborn humans and animals.  12:30

  34. "The Lord is a man of war."  15:3

  35. God punishes the children for the sins of their fathers. 20:5, 34:7
    (unto the third and fourth generations) 

  36. Instructions for buying a slave.  21:2

  37. Instructions for selling your daughter.  21:7

  38. Instructions for taking a second wife.  21:10

  39. Children who strike their parents are to be killed.  21:15

  40. It's OK to beat a slave as long as he lives a day or two  "for he is his money."  21:20-21

  41. Abortion is not a capital crime.  21:22

  42. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."  22:18

  43. You must kill those who worship another god.  22:20

  44. Sabbath breakers must be killed.  31:14-15, 35:2

  45. God tells every man to slay "his brother, companion, neighbor."  32:27

  46. God speaks to Moses "face to face."  33:11

  47. God shows Moses his "back parts."  33:23

  48. God's name is "Jealous."  34:14

    Leviticus

  49. Moses puts blood on Aaron's right ear, thumb, and big toe. 8:23-24

  50. God kills Aaron's sons for offering "strange fire before the Lord." 10:1-2

  51. Hares are unclean since they chew the cud. 11:6

  52. Bats are just unclean birds. 11:13,19

  53. Four-legged birds are an abomination to God. 11:20

  54. Insects have four legs. 11:21, 23

  55. Baby girls are twice as dirty as baby boys. 12:1-8

  56. God's cure for leprosy. 14:2-32

  57. What to do if "he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean." 15:8

  58. What to do "if any man's seed of copulation go out from him." 15:16-18

  59. Menstruating women are unclean to God. 15:19-30

  60. God's law for wet dreams. 15:16-17, 32

  61. Uncovering the nakedness of your mother, father, aunts, uncles, etc. 18:8-18

  62. Don't look at any naked menstruating women. 18:19

  63. Homosexuality is an abomination to God. 18:22

  64. Don't have sex with animals. 18:23

  65. Don't mix seeds when sowing a field or wear a garment with mixed fibers. 19:19

  66. If you have sex with a slave woman, you must then scourge her. 19:20

  67. Don't round the corners of your head or mar the corners of your beard. 19:27

  68. Children who curse their parents, adulterers, and homosexuals must be killed. 20:9-12

  69. Woman with "familiar spirits" must be stoned to death. 20:27

  70. The unchaste daughters of priests must be burnt to death. 21:9

  71. Handicapped people must not approach the altar. 21:16-23

  72. Cursers and blasphemers must be stoned to death. 24:16, 24

  73. God's instructions for buying slaves. 25:45-46

  74. "Ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it." 26:16

  75. God will "send wild beasts among you, which shall rob your of your children." 26:22

  76. "And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." 26:29

  77. God places a dollar value on human life; women are worth less (50 - 60%) than men. 27:3-7

    Numbers

  78. "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." 1:51, 3:10, 3:38, 18:7

  79. God kills Aaron's sons for offering "strange fire before the Lord." 3:4, 26:61

  80. Don't touch or look at "any holy thing" or God will kill you. 4:15, 20

  81. The law of jealousies 5:11-31

  82. God hates whiners. If God hears you complain he'll burn you to death. 11:1

  83. God makes the Israelites eat flesh until it come out their nostrils. 11:19-20

  84. "While the flesh was yet between their teeth ... the Lord smote the people with a very great plague." 11:33

  85. God gives Miriam Leprosy. 12:9-10

  86. The Israelites see God "face to face." 14:14

  87. God will punish you for the sins of your great-great grandfathers. 14:18

  88. What to do if you "sin through ignorance." 15:27

  89. Don't gather sticks on the sabbath day. 15:32-36

  90. God's instructions for making fringes in the borders of your garments. 15:38

  91. God buries alive Korah and his family. 16:27-35, 26:10

  92. God burns to death 250 men. 16:35, 26:10

  93. God kills 14,700 with a plague. 16:41-50

  94. Aaron's rod buds, blossoms, and yields almonds. 17:8

  95. God sends "fiery serpents" to bite the people. 21:6

  96. Moses' amazing serpent of brass. 21:9

  97. Balaam's talking ass. 22:28-30

  98. God's people will "rise up ... and drink the blood of the slain." 23:24

  99. God will "eat up the nations of his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows." 24:8

  100. God tells Moses to "take all the heads of the people and hang them up before the Lord." 25:4

  101. God's hero (Phinehas) thrusts a javelin through a man and his Midianite wife's belly. 25:7-8

  102. God kills 24,000 (23,000 according to 1 Cor.10:8) in a plague. 25:9

  103. A woman can't make a vow unless her husband allows it. 30:3-16

  104. Moses tells his men to kill all the males and non-virgin women, but to keep all the virgins alive for themselves. 31:14-18

    Deuteronomy

  105. Destroy the altars, images, and places of worship of those with different religions. 7:5

  106. Kill any prophets or "dreamers of dreams" if they say or dream the wrong things. 13:1-5, 18:20

  107. Kill everyone with religious beliefs that are different than your own. (Including your family, friends, and neighbors) 13:6-10, 13:12-16, 17:2-7

  108. If you see a pretty woman among the captives then just take her home and "go in unto her." 21:11-14

  109. Rules for a man with two wives: "one beloved, and another hated." 21:15

  110. Kill rebellious or disobedient sons 21:18-21, adulterers 22:22, and rape victims if they fail to cry out loud enough. 22:23-24

  111. Women that wear men's clothing are an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5

  112. Don't "wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woolen and linen together." 22:11

  113. How to dispose of a hated wife. 22:13-22

  114. Women, be sure to keep the tokens of your virginity. Otherwise the men of your city may stone you to death. 22:13-21

  115. A rapist must buy his victim from her father for 50 shekels. 22:28-29

  116. Cut off a woman's hand if she touches the "secrets" of a man who is fighting with her husband. "And thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

  117. You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1

  118. A bastard can't attend church "even to his tenth generation." 23:2

  119. God's rule for wet dreams. 23:10

  120. How to shit in the woods so that God doesn't step in it. 23:12-14

  121. How to divorce your wife if you find "some uncleanness in her." 24:1-4

  122. If you don't obey all of these laws, God will (among many other things) smite you with hemorrhoids, madness, and blindness, burn or starve you to death, have some animals eat you, and snakes bite you. If you still refuse to obey, he will have your wife raped and force you eat your own children.  28:15-68, 32:23-25

    Joshua

  123. Joshua killed "everything that breathed" in each of the cities that he conquered, "as the Lord God of Israel commanded." 6:21, 8:24 - 40, 11:8 - 21

  124. A family is stoned and burned to death (along with their animals) to punish the father (Achan) for looking at "the accursed thing." "So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger." 7:24-26

  125. God gets right in and fights with the Israelites. He "slew them with a great slaughter" and even "chased them along the way." What a guy. 10:10

  126. God threw down "great stones from heaven" so that he could kill even more people than the Israelites "slew with the sword." 10:11

  127. God makes the sun and moon stand still so that Joshua could get all his killing done before dark. It was the first Daylight Savings Time. 10:12-13

  128. "The Lord fought for Israel." 10:14

  129. "For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly." 11:20

  130. Remember that God "is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins." 24:19

    Judges

  131. Cutting off the thumbs and big toes of a captured king. 1:6-7

  132. God couldn't drive out the valley people because they had chariots of iron. 1:19

  133. Ehud's message from God. 3:20-22

  134. God sells the Israelites into slavery. 3:8, 4:2, 10:7

  135. Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. 3:31

  136. Jael drives a tent stake through her guest's head. For this she is "blessed above women." 4:17-23, 5:24-26

  137. "Have they not divided the prey, to every man a damsel or two?" 5:30

  138. God takes Gideon's fleece/dew test. 6:36-40

  139. God finds a few good men with a dog-lapping test. 7:4-7

  140. "The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow." 7:21

  141. Two princes killed and their heads delivered to Gideon 7:25

  142. Gideon tears the flesh of the elders of Succoth and kills the men of the city. 8:7, 16-17

  143. Gideon's many wives" 8:30

  144. Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." 9:5

  145. God sends an evil spirit. 9:23

  146. Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God. 11:29-39

  147. The spirit of God comes mightily upon Samson (and he kills things). 14:6, 14:19, 14-16

  148. Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire. 15:4-5

  149. Samson kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass. 15:14-16

  150. Samson goes in unto a harlot. 16:1

  151. The Levite and his concubine. 19:22-30

    Ruth

  152. Naomi encourages Ruth to spend the night with Boaz. 3:3-4

  153. Ruth lies down next to Boaz after "uncovering his feet." 3:7

  154. She tells Boaz to spread his skirt over her. 3:9

  155. She lies at "his feet" until morning. 3:14

  156. She is "purchased" by Boaz for a wife. 4:10

  157. Boaz "goes in unto" Ruth and she conceives a son (King David's grandfather). 4:13

    1 Samuel

  158. God smites the Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts. 5:9

  159. God asks the Philistines to make him five golden hemorrhoids. 6:4-5

  160. God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark of the Lord. 6:19

  161. "I will make a covenant with you, that I may thrust your eyes out." 11:2

  162. The spirit of the Lord comes upon Samuel so he hacks some oxen in pieces and sends the pieces to all the coasts of Israel. 11:7

  163. God orders Saul to kill every Amalekite "man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." 15:3

  164. God repents of having made Saul king since Saul refused to carry out God's commandments (i.e., Saul refused to murder all the innocent women and children.) 15:11, 18

  165. Saul is haunted by "an evil spirit from the Lord." 16:14-16, 23, 18:10, 19:9

  166. David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins (twice the asking price). 18:25-27

  167. Killing those that "pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 26:34

  168. David kills all the Amalekites again (see 15:7-8 where Saul kills them all the first time). 27:8-11

  169. Saul has a witch bring back Samuel from the dead. 28:8-15

  170. After being completely killed off by Saul (15:7-8) and then David (27:8-11), the Amalekites invade again. 30:1

    2 Samuel

  171. David tells Jonathan that he has given him pleasures more than that of woman. 1:26

  172. David has his "young men" kill people, cut off their hands and feet, and hang them up over a pool. 4:12

  173. Whoever kills the lame and the blind "that are hated of David's soul" shall be made "chief and captain." 5:8

  174. "And David took him more concubines and wives." 5:13

  175. God kills Uzzah for trying to protect the ark from falling. 6:6-7

  176. David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. 6:20

  177. David watches a women bathe, likes what he sees, and "goes in unto her." 11:2-4

  178. God says he will give David's wives to someone else who will "lie with thy wives in the sight of the sun." 12:11-12

  179. To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills David's newborn son. 12:15, 18

  180. Ammon rapes his half-sister. 13:11

  181. Absalom "goes in unto" his father's [David's] concubines. 16:21-22

  182. Hanging dead bodies up "unto the Lord." 21:6, 9

  183. When David had a census (that God "moved" him to have), God gave him a choice of three punishments: seven years of famine, three months of war, or three days of pestilence. David couldn't decide, so God chose for him and 70,000 men died in a plague. (The details are different in 1 Chronicles, but the principle is the same.) 24:1-15

  184. God kills a couple hundred thousand people to punish David for having a census. 24:15

    1 Kings

  185. Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin minister unto him. 1:1-4

  186. Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep when dedicating the temple to his bloodthirsty God. 8:63

  187. Solomon's 700 wives and 300 concubines. 11:3

  188. God kills everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10, 16:11, 21:21

  189. Those that die in the city will be eaten by dogs, while those that die in the country will be eaten by fowls. 14:11, 16:4

  190. Killing everything that breathes for a loving God. 15:29

  191. When many people are needlessly slaughtered, you will know that the Lord is God. 20:28

  192. Stoning blasphemers to death. 21:13

  193. God's dog food. 21:19, 21:23

  194. If you grovel before God, then he won't punish you; He'll punish your children instead. 21:29

  195. God puts a lying spirit into the mouth of prophets. 22:22-23

    2 Kings

  196. Elijah proves that he is a man of God by burning to death 102 men. 1:10, 12

  197. Elisha makes his servant (Gehazi) and all of his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

  198. Elisha makes an iron axe head swim. 5:27

  199. God answers Elisha's prayer by smiting his adversaries with blindness. 6:18

  200. Mothers boiling and eating their own children. 6:28-29

  201. God sends a famine on the people that lasts for seven years. 8:1

  202. God vows to "cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall." 9:8

  203. God has Jezebel thrown off a wall and feeds her body to the dogs. 9:33-37

  204. The 70 sons of Ahab are killed and their heads are put in baskets. 10:7-8

  205. Jehu shows off his "zeal for the Lord" by murdering everyone in Samaria. 10:16-17

  206. God rewards Jehu for murdering Ahab and his family. 10:30

  207. God, the divine physician, strikes king Azariah with leprosy. 15:5

  208. Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only eleven years old. 16:2, 18:1-2

  209. God sends lions to devour the Samaritans because "they knew not the manner of the God of the land." 17:25-26

  210. Eating dung and drinking piss. 18:27

  211. An angel of the Lord kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose, behold, they were all dead corpses." 19:35

  212. Isaiah makes the sun move ten degrees backwards.20:11

  213. God will "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12

    1 Chronicles

  214. God kills Uzza for trying to keep the ark from falling. 13:9-10

  215. David tortures all the inhabitants of several cities with saws, harrows of iron, and axes. 20:3

  216. God kills 70,000 men because David had a census. 21:1-14
    (See 2 Sam.24:1-15 for a different version of this story.)

  217. God repents. (It's about time!) 21:15

    2 Chronicles

  218. Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep when dedicating the temple. 7:5

  219. God helps Abijah kill 500,000 Israelites. 13:15-20

  220. In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-13

  221. Whoever does not seek the God of Israel should be executed. 15:13

  222. God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets. 18:22

  223. Hate the sinner, or God will pour out his wrath upon you. 19:2

  224. God killed the women and children of Judah and smote the men with an incurable disease of the bowels until their "bowels fell out." 21:14-19

  225. Amaziah, with God's help, kills 10,000 people; another 10,000 he leaves alive so that he can throw them off a cliff and break them in pieces. 25:11-12

  226. God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21

  227. Pekah kills 120,000 people in one day "because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers." 28:6, 8

  228. God sends the king of the Chaldees to kill all the "young men with the sword." He had "no compassion upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand." 36:16-17

    Ezra

  229. Check out the contradictions between the boring lists given in Ezra 2 and Neh.7.

  230. The Israelites offend God by "taking" foreign wives and thereby corrupting the "holy seed." 9:2

  231. When Ezra hears of the intermarriages he tears his clothes, plucks out his hair and beard, and sits down astonished. 9:3

  232. Ezra tells the men that they must abandon their "strange" wives and children if they want to avoid God's wrath. 10:2-3, 10-12

    Nehemiah

  233. Check out the contradictions between the boring lists given in Ezra 2 and Neh.7.

  234. Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27

    Esther

  235. Queen Vashti (the real heroine of the Book of Esther) refuses to display herself in front of the king's drunken guests. 1:7-12

  236. For her refusal, Vashti is stripped of her crown. 1:13-19

  237. Because of Vashti's disobedience the king decrees that "all the wives shall give to their husbands honor" and "that every man should bear rule over his own house." 1:20-22

  238. "All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king and the one that "pleaseth" him the most will replace Queen Vashti. 2:2-4

  239. Esther wins the pleasing the king babe contest. 2:8-9

  240. But since women are dirty, she must be "purified" for twelve months before she can be made queen. 2:12

  241. Esther has two men hung on a tree. 2:23

  242. Esther has Hamam and his ten sons hung. 7:10, 9:13

    Job

  243. God asks Satan where he's been. Satan answers, "From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up an down in it." 1:7, 2:2

  244. God gives Job to Satan, saying: "Behold, all that he hath is in thy power." 1:12, 2:6

  245. God (or Satan) kills Job's children in a windstorm. 1:19

  246. Satan (or God) smites Job with boils from the "sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7

  247. Job's wife says that to retain his integrity he should "curse God and die." 2:9

  248. Job curses the day he was born. 3:1-2, 3:11

  249. Job rightly accuses God of multiplying his wounds without cause. 9:17

  250. Job says that God "will laugh at the trial of the innocent." 9:23

    Psalms

  251. God will hit the heathens with a rod of iron and "dash them in pieces." 2:9

  252. God hates sinners. 5:5

  253. Dead people neither remember God nor give him thanks. 6:5

  254. God hides from those who need him the most. 10:1

  255. God will rain fire and brimstone upon "wicked" people. 11:6

  256. Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1

  257. Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth. 18:8

  258. God rides upon cherubs and can fly. 18:10

  259. The God of Peace teaches us to kill our neighbors in war. 18:34, 144:1

  260. If God doesn't like you, he'll burn you to death. 21:9

  261. If you forget God, he will tear you in pieces. 50:22

  262. If you don't trust God, he'll kill you, and while you're dying the "righteous" will laugh at you. 52:5-6

  263. Bad people are bad from birth -- God made them that way. 58:3

  264. "Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth, ... let them be cut pieces." 58:6-8

  265. "The righteous" will rejoice when they see "the wicked" being dismembered by God. They'll "wash their feet in the blood of the wicked." 58:10

  266. The heathen "make a noise like a dog ... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." 59:5

  267. God will "wound the head of his enemies" and the righteous will dip their feet in their blood. 68:21, 23

  268. "Let their eyes be darkened ... and make their loins continually to shake." 69:22-23

  269. The earth is stationary and does not move. 93:1, 104:5

  270. God will "fill the places with dead bodies." 110:6

  271. God is praised for slaughtering little babies. 135:8, 136:10

  272. Happiness is smashing your little children against rocks. 137:9

  273. God is in hell. 139:8

  274. "Do not I hate them, O Lord? ... I hate them with a perfect hatred." 139:19-22

  275. A prayer that God will burn people to death. 140:10

    Proverbs

  276. God will laugh at your misfortunes, mock you when you are afraid, and ignore you when your ask him for help. 1:26-28

  277. Watch out for those strange, brawling, angry, contentious, adulterous, odious women. 2:16-18, 5:3-5, 6:24-26, 7:5-27, 21:19, 22:14, 23:27-28, 25:24, 27:15, 30:20, 30:23

  278. Foolish women are simple and know nothing; they drag innocent men into hell. 9:13

  279. "As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion." 11:22

  280. Beat the hell out of your children. 13:24, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15

  281. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil; so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." 20:30

  282. The wicked shall be a ransom for the righteous. 21:18

  283. Beat your slaves just like you do your children. Don't try to correct them with words. 29:19

  284. If you mock your father or disobey your mother, the ravens will pick out your eyeballs and feed them to the eagles. 30:17

    Ecclesiastes

  285.  Death is final. There is no afterlife. 3:19, 9:5, 9:10

  286.  "There is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works." 3:22

  287.  "A man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry." 8:15

  288.  "Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepteth thy works." 9:7

  289.  "Walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes." 11:9

    Song of Solomon

  290.  "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. 1:2

  291.  "He shall lie all night betwixt my breasts." 1:13

  292.  "His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me. I charge you ... that he stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please." 2:6, 8:3

  293.  Our heroine takes her lover into her mother's bedroom and asks not to be disturbed "till he please." 3:4-5

  294. "Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins." 4:5, 7:3

  295.  "My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." 5:4

  296.  "The joints of thy thighs are like jewels." 7:1

  297.  "Thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine." 7:8

  298.  "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... [But] my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8, 10

    Isaiah

  299.  God will "smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion" because he dislikes the way they dress and walk. 3:16

  300.  "The Lord will discover their secret parts." 3:17

  301.  "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18

  302.  God will make every man kill his brother and then force him to eat "the flesh of his own arm." 9:19-20

  303.  If God can find you, he will "thrust you through," smash your children "to pieces" before your eyes, and rape your wife. 13:15-18

  304.  God sends a "perverse spirit" among the Egyptians and causes them to err "as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit." 19:14

  305.  God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander around completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." 20:2-5

  306.  "Thou shalt cast them away as a menstrous cloth." 30:22

  307.  "Tremble, ye women that are at ease ... strip you, and make you bare." 32:11

  308.  "There stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

  309.  God's sword is "filled with blood." He plans to kill so many people that the "land will be soaked with blood." 34:5-8

  310.  "That they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you." 36:12

  311.  God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." 42:13

  312. God created evil. 45:7

  313. God will make people "eat their own flesh" and be "drunken with their own blood." 49:26

  314.  God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans. 63:3-6

  315.  God will "plead with all flesh" with his fire and sword. "And the slain of the Lord shall be many." 66:16

  316.  The carcasses of those killed by God will be piled high. They will rot and burn forever. 66:24

    Jeremiah

  317.  God says that Judah has a "whore's forehead." 3:3

  318.  Judah commits adultery with stones and stocks. 3:9

  319.  God has "greatly deceived this people." 4:10

  320.  God will send lions and leopards to tear people into little bitty pieces.5:6

  321.  "As fed horses in the morning: everyone neighed after his neighbor's wife." 5:8

  322.  God "will send serpents, cockatrices, among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you." 8:17

  323.  God is the source of evil. 11:11, 16:10-11, 19:3, 23:12, 26:3,13,19, 32:42, 35:17, 36:3, 36:31, 40:2, 42:10, 44:2, 45:5, 49:37, 51:64

  324.  God forbids others from praying for his victims. Such prayers would be useless anyway, he says, because he "will not hear them in their time of trouble." 11:14

  325.  God will kill the young men in war and starve their children to death. 11:22-23

  326.  God's sword will "devour" everyone until "no flesh shall have peace." 12:12

  327.  God will make everyone drunk and then "dash the fathers and the sons together." He vows to "not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them." 13:13-14

  328. God compares the destruction of Jerusalem to the rape of a woman who deserves to be raped because she has sinned. 13:22

  329.  God promises to kill everyone by war, starvation, and disease. 14:12, 24:10, 29:17-18, 42:17-18, 22

  330.  God will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the prophets. 14:16

  331.  God plans to kill people with swords, tear their flesh with dogs, and feed their bodies to the birds and beasts. Why? Because of something some former king did. 15:2-4

  332.  God has ordained that everyone "shall die of grievous deaths," and that they shall neither "be lamented" nor even buried, but "they shall be as dung upon the face of the earth." 16:3-4

  333.  When the people ask why God is killing everyone, God answers by saying, "Because your fathers have forsaken me." 16:10

  334.  Jeremiah asks God to kill the young men in war and the children by starvation. 18:21

  335.  God says that he will do so much evil to the people that whoever learns of it will have ears that tingle. 19:3

  336.  God will make parents eat their own children, and friends eat each other. 19:7-9

  337.  God deceives Jeremiah. 20:7

  338.  God will kill everyone, "both man and beast," with a "great pestilence." 21:6

  339.  God will force all of Israel to "be drunken." Then, he'll kill them all with a sword. 24:27-28

  340.  God will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with their dead bodies. No one is to mourn them or even bury them, "they shall be as dung upon the ground." 25:33

  341.  Even those Jews that flee to Egypt will not be spared. God will hunt them down and kill them all with war, famine, and disease. 44:12-13

  342.  On the day of the Lord, God's sword will become drunk with blood. 46:10

  343.  "Cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood." 48:10

  344.  Jeremiah asks God to make Moab drunk so that he will "wallow in his vomit." 48:26

  345.  God will cause the daughters of Rabbah to be burned to death. 49:2

  346.  God will "break in pieces" pretty much everyone and everything he can think of. 51:21-23

    Lamentations

  347. Jerusalem is compared to a naked woman who sighs and turns backward. "Her filthiness is in her skirts." 1:8-9

  348. The adversary puts his hand upon "all her pleasant things. 1:10

  349. God tramples "as in a winepress" mighty men, young men, and virgins. 1:15-16

  350. "Jerusalem is as a menstrous woman." (To God this is an insult.) 1:17

  351. God mercilessly kills everyone, young and old. He even causes women to eat their children. 2:20-22

  352. God "accomplishes his fury" on the Isralites by starving children to death and forcing their mothers to eat them. 4:4-11

    Ezekiel

  353.  Ezekiel sees God's loins. 1:27, 8:2

  354.  Ezekiel, at God's command, eats a book that tastes as sweet as honey. 2:9 - 3:3

  355.  If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling block before him," then God will kill him. "He shall die in his sin" and whatever good he has done will be forgotten. 3:20

  356.  God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with the "dung that cometh out of man." 4:12

  357.  God tells Ezekiel to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind. 5:1-3

  358.  God will cause fathers to eat their sons and sons to eat their fathers. 5:10

  359.  God plans to kill everyone with plagues, famines, and wars. But if any still survive, then he'll send beasts to devour them. 5:17

  360.  God plans to decorate the land with human bones and dead bodies. 6:5

  361.  God marks the foreheads of the men who will be saved. To God only men are worth keeping. All of the women and unmarked men are to be slaughtered. God will "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no one. 9:4

  362.  God dislikes women and pillows. He says, "Woe to the women that sew pillows ... behold, I am against your pillows." 13:15-20

  363.  God deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his lies. 14:9

  364.  Big penises. 16:26

  365.  Good men stay away from menstruating women. 18:6

  366.  God gave the Israelites "statutes that were not good and judgments whereby they should not live." He "polluted" them so that later he'd have an excuse to kill them. 20:25

  367.  A tale of two sisters. 23:1-46

  368. Really big penises. 23:20

  369.  God gets all excited about cooking human flesh and "scum." 24:3-10

  370.  God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her. 24:15-18

  371.  God makes "all their loins to be at a stand" and then cuts them off. 29:7-8

  372.  God shows Ezekiel how to join together dead peoples bones and then bring them back to life. 37:7-10

  373.  God will cause every man's sword to be against his brother. By doing so he will magnify and sanctify himself and let everyone know that he's the Lord. 38:21-23

  374.  God is preparing a feast for the birds and beasts. He's going to have them eat human flesh until they're full and drink human blood until they're drunk. 39:4, 17-20

    Daniel

  375.  Nebuchadnezzar decrees that anyone who says anything against the Hebrew god "shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall become a dunghill." 3:29

  376.  Daniel's dream tree is tall enough to see to the end of the earth. Only on a flat earth would this be possible. 4:10-11

  377.  Nebuchadnezzar eats grass, grows hair like eagle feathers, and has nails like bird claws.

  378.  A detached hand writes upon a wall. 5:5-6

  379.  Nebuchadnezzar orders those who accused Daniel (including their wives and children) to be cast into the lions den. 6:24

    Hosea

  380.  God tells Hosea to "take ... a wife of whoredoms." 1:2-3

  381.  God talks about whoredoms, adulteries between breasts. He plans to strip a woman naked as the day she was born and to discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers. 2:2-3, 2:10

  382.  God will not have mercy upon children if they are the children of whoredoms. 2:4-5

  383.  God tells Hosea to "love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress." 3:1

  384.  In accordance with God's command, Hosea buys a wife for 15 pieces of silver and one and a half homers of barley. 3:2

  385.  If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom" and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13

  386.  Hosea asks God to "give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts." 9:14

  387.  God assures Hosea that he will "slay even the beloved fruit of the womb." 9:16

  388.  God will rip humans apart and eat them like a lion. 13:7-8

  389.  God promises to dash to pieces the infants of Samaria and "their women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16

    Joel

  390. "The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." 1:15, 2:1, 3:14

  391. God says he will repay Israel for the damage the locusts caused -- which he sent! And they will "praise the name of the Lord." 2:25-26

  392. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood." These "signs" were a lot more impressive before the causes of solar and lunar eclipses were understood. 2:31

  393. "And I will sell your sons and your daughters." 3:8

  394. "Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruninghooks into spears." 3:10

    Amos

  395.  The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazel, Gaza, Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4 - 2:5

  396.  God will "slay all the princes" of Moab. 2:3

  397.  All evil comes from God. 3:6

  398.  God sends the pestilence, kills young men with the sword, and makes the "stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils." 4:10

  399. God stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks to Amos. 7:7

  400.  Amos sees God standing on the altar. 9:1

  401.  God will kill "the last of them with the sword," and any that try to escape by diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a serpent. God will set his "eyes upon them for evil, not for good." 9:1-4

    Obadiah

  402. The Israelites hear "a rumor from the Lord" telling them to start a war with the Edomites. 1, 8

  403. God tells Israelites to "destroy the wise men out of Edom" and to slaughter "everyone of the mount of Esau." 8-9

  404. "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen." If so, then it must have come and past, unnoticed, long before the birth of Christ. 15

  405. God will burn all the heathen to death, "for the LORD hath spoken it." 16-18

    Jonah

  406. God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in the fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17

  407. God talks to the fish, and it vomits out Jonah upon dry land. 2:10

  408. God wants the "beasts" to cover themselves with sackcloth and "cry mightily unto God." 3:8

  409. God repents of the evil that he had planned to do. 3:10

  410. God prepares a gourd to shade Jonah's head. Then he prepares a worm to destroy the gourd. 4:6-7

    Micah

  411. God will destroy Samaria with stones. 1:6

  412. God will "wail and howl" and "go stripped and naked." 1:8

  413. "Evil came down from the Lord." 1:12

  414. "Behold, against this family do I devise an evil." 2:3

  415. Plucking off skin, flesh from bones, eating human flesh, flaying off skin, breaking bones, chopping bodies in pieces, making human stew. 3:2

  416. When they "cry unto the Lord ... he will not hear them: he will even hide his face from them at that time." 3:4

  417. Like a young lion "the remnant of Jacob" will tear the Gentiles to pieces. 5:8

  418. God will destroy entire cities, and "execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen such as they have not heard." 5:14-15

  419. God will make his people sick, hungry, and desolate. Those who survive he will "give up to the sword." 6:13-16

  420. The Gentiles will be made deaf, shall lick dust and be forced to crawl like worms from fear of God and his people. 7:16-17

    Nahum

  421. God is jealous and gets furious. 1:2

  422. He makes the mountains quake and the hills melt. 1:5

  423. He doesn't just get even. He drowns his enemies. 1:8

  424. There is "much pain in all loins." 2:10

  425. God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4

  426. "Behold, thy people in the midst of thee are women." I guess this ("You're all just a bunch of women.") was the biggest insult God could think of at the moment. 3:13

  427. God says that "the fire shall devour thee, the sword shall cut thee off, it shall eat thee up like the cankerworm." 3:15

    Habakkuk

  428. "Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered." 2:16

  429. "God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet." 3:3-5

  430. "The sun and moon stood still in their habitation." This verse apparently refers to Joshua 10:12-13, where God makes the sun stand still.  3:11

  431. Habakkuk praises God for slaughtering "the heathen." 3:12

  432. "Thou didst walk through the sea with thine horses." 3:15

    Zephaniah

  433. God plans to kill every living thing. 1:2

  434. He will "cut off" all those who "have not sought the Lord" or who worship another god. 1:4-6

  435. He "will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel." 1:8

  436. God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do evil." 1:12

  437. "The great day of the LORD is near." 1:14

  438. He will "bring distress upon men" so that they "walk like blind men." He will pour out their blood like dust and "their flesh as dung." 1:17

  439. He will kill all the inhabitants of the sea coast. 2:5

  440. He will destroy Moab and Ammon just like he did to Sodom and Gomorrah. 2:9

  441. He will kill the Ethiopians with his own sword. 2:12

  442. "Every one that passeth by her [Assyria] shall hiss, and wag his hand." 2:15

  443. He brags about destroying cities and killing all of the inhabitants. 3:6

  444. "All of the earth shall be devoured with the fire" of God's jealousy. 3:8

  445. The Singing God: "God will joy over thee with singing." 3:17

    Haggai

  446. God huffs, and he puffs, and he blows the house down! 1:9

  447. After God blew the houses down, the Israelites repaired their own houses while ignoring the temple. So God sent a drought to punish them. 1:9-11

  448. In "a little while" God "will shake the heavens, and the earth, and the sea, and the dry land." 2:6

  449. "The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts." 2:8

  450. Be careful not to let any holy flesh touch any food or wine, because if you do your flesh won't be holy any more. 2:12

  451. God sent blight and hail upon the Israelites, yet they still didn't return to him. 2:17

  452. God will make the horses and their riders be killed by "the sword of his brother." 2:22

    Zechariah

  453. God has seven eyes that "run to and fro through the whole earth." 4:10

  454. Zechariah sees a 30 foot flying scroll that burns down the houses of thieves and liars. 5:1-4

  455. "I [God] was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with great fury." 8:2

  456. God will "set all men one against his neighbor." 8:10

  457. "I [God] will hiss for them." 10:8

  458. He will mercilessly "feed the flock of slaughter" by making every one kill his neighbor. 11:6-7

  459. God named two sticks: "Beauty" and "Bands". 11:7

  460. He wants everyone to eat "the flesh of another." 11:9

  461. He will open his eyes and smite "every rider with madness ... and every horse ... with blindness." 12:4

  462. A prophet must be killed by his own parents by "thrusting him through when he prophesieth." 13:3

  463. God will see to it that Jerusalem "shall be taken ... and the women ravished." 14:2

  464. He will "go forth and fight" with "his feet" on the mount of Olives. 14:3

  465. He will smite the people with plagues that will cause their flesh, eyes, and tongues to rot away. 14:12

  466. He will make everyone fight and kill his neighbor. 14:13

  467. He sends his plagues on animals too. 14:15

  468. Whoever survives all these plagues and slaughters must worship God. 14:16

  469. God will "smite the heathen" with a plague. 14:18

    Malachi

  470. God, for some strange reason, "hated Esau." 1:3

  471. God continues to demand animal sacrifices. And not just any animals will do. He is insulted when blind, lame, or sick animals are killed for him. 1:8, 13-14

  472. Give glory to God or he will curse you. 2:2

  473. God hates the Edomites, and his hatred will last forever. 1:4

  474. "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." 2:3

  475. God will burn "the wicked" and the "righteous" will walk around on their ashes. 4:1-3

  476. The Old Testament ends fittingly with these words: "lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." 4:6

    Matthew

  477. Jesus strongly approves of the law and the prophets. He hasn't the slightest objection to the cruelties of the Old Testament and insists that its laws will be binding forever. 5:17

  478. To avoid sin, Jesus recommends that we cut off our hands and pluck out our eyes. This advice is given immediately after he says that anyone who looks with lust at a women commits adultery. 5:29, 18:8

  479. Jesus tells his disciples not to pray in public. 6:5-6

  480. He says that most people are going to hell. 7:13-14

  481. He sends some devils into a herd of pigs, causing them to run off a cliff and drown in the waters below. 8:32

  482. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21

  483. Jesus says that he has come to destroy families by making family members hate each other. He has "come not to send peace, but a sword." 10:34

  484. John the Baptist is still not sure about Jesus (he's in prison and is soon to die). He sends his disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?" Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 11:3

  485. Jesus condemns entire cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal torment of hell because they didn't care for his preaching. 11:20-24

  486. He explains that the reason he speaks in parables is so that no one will understand him, "lest ... they ... should understand ... and should be converted, and I should heal them." 13:10-15

  487. "For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath." Isn't this from the Republican Party platform? 13:12, 25:29

  488. Jesus is rejected by those who know him the best -- the people of his home town of Nazareth. 13:55-57

  489. Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time. If so many of Jesus' contemporaries could be so easily fooled regarding John the Baptist, what does this do to the credibility of Jesus' resurrection? 14:2, 16:13-14

  490. Jesus mistakenly tells his followers that he will return and establish his kingdom within their lifetime. 16:28, 23:36, 24:34

  491. Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give your a big reward. 19:29

  492. Matthew has Jesus ride into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass and a colt (must have taken some practice!). 21:2-7

  493. "His blood be on us, and on our children." This verse blames the Jews for the death of Jesus and has been used to justify their persecution for twenty centuries. 27:25

    Mark

  494. Jesus' friends think he is insane. 3:21

  495. Jesus explains why he speaks in parables: to confuse people so they will go to hell. 4:11-12

  496. He says that those who have been less fortunate in this life will have it even worse in the life to come. 4:25

  497. He sends the devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff and be drowned in the sea. When the people hear about it, they beg Jesus to leave. 5:12-13

  498. He is rejected by those who knew him the best, the people from his home town of Nazareth. 6:2-5

  499. Any city that doesn't "receive" the followers of Jesus will be destroyed in a manner even more savage than that of Sodom and Gomorrah. 6:11

  500. Jesus criticizes the Jews for not killing their disobedient children according to Old Testament law. 7:9

  501. He falsely prophesies that the end of the world will come within his listeners' lifetimes. 9:1

  502. He tells us to cut off our hands and feet, and pluck out our eyes to avoid going to hell. 9:43

  503. He will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29

  504. He kills a fig tree for not bearing figs, even though it was out of season. 11:13

  505. Jesus shows that he is a false prophet by predicting his return and the end of the world within the lifetime of his listeners. 13:30

  506. He says that those that believe and are baptized will be saved, while those who don't will be damned. 16:16

  507. The true followers of Christ routinely perform the following tricks: 1) cast out devils, 2)speak in tongues, 3) take up serpents, 4) drink poisons without harm, and 5) cure the sick by touching them. 16:17-18

    Luke

  508. God strikes Zacharias dumb for doubting the angel Gabriel's words. 1:20

  509. John the Baptist says that Christ will burn the damned "with fire unquenchable." 3:17

  510. The genealogy of Jesus given here is entirely different than that in Mt.1:6-16. Luke lists 43 generations from David to Jesus, Matthew has only 29, and except for David at one end and Jesus at the other, only three names in the two lists are the same (and they are completely out of order). 3:23-31

  511. Peter and his partners (James and John) abandon their wives and children to follow Jesus. 5:11

  512. Jesus says that people who are rich, well-fed, happy, or respected are going to hell. 6:24-26

  513. John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. 7:19

  514. He says that he speaks in parables so "that seeing they might not see, and hearing they might not understand." 8:10

  515. He falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see him return and establish the kingdom of God. 9:27

  516. Entire cities will be violently destroyed and the inhabitants "thrust down to hell" for not "receiving" his disciples. 10:10-15

  517. The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them. To this Jesus replies, "I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt you."  10:17-19

  518. Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him. 10:21

  519. Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt.5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40

  520. He says that we should fear God since he has the power to kill us and then torture us forever in hell. 12:5

  521. He says that his disciples must hate their families (mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children) and themselves. 14:26

  522. If you want to be a disciple of Jesus, you must abandon everything, including your family. 14:33

  523. "That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty, courage, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of God." 16:15

  524. All of the vicious Old Testament laws will be binding forever. 16:17

  525. In the parable of the talents, Jesus says that God takes what is not rightly his, and reaps what he didn't sow. The parable ends with the words of Jesus: "bring them [those who preferred not to be ruled by him] hither, and slay them before me." 19:22-27

  526. Jesus says that everyone will hate Christians, and some Christians will be killed, yet no Christian will be harmed in any way. 21:16

  527. He says that all that he describes (his return, signs in the sun, moon, and stars, etc.) will occur within the lifetime of his listeners. 21:32

    John

  528. Those who, for whatever reason, do not believe in Jesus are tormented forever in hell. 3:18

  529. The wrath of God" is on all unbelievers. 3:36

  530. Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He tells a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14

  531. The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, did not believe in him. 6:42

  532. Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have eternal life. 6:53

  533. Jesus' family didn't believe in him. 7:5

  534. Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and possessed by a devil. 10:10

  535. The reason people didn't believe in Jesus was that God had "blinded their eyes, and hardened their heart." God did this so that they would not "understand with their heart, and be converted." 12:40

  536. Those who do not believe in Jesus will be cast into a fire to be burned. 15:6

  537. Jesus implies that he will return to earth during the lifetime of John. 21:22

    Acts

  538. Those who heard the apostles speaking in tongues thought they were drunk. 2:13

  539. Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living in "the last days." 2:17

  540. God will torture forever those who don't know the password to heaven. 4:12

  541. Peter and God scare Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that they made when selling their land. 5:1-10

  542. Philip made "unclean spirits" scream as they left the bodies of the people they possessed. 8:7

  543. Peter has a dream in which God show him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." The voice (God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13

  544. The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms" because "he gave not God the glory." 12:23

  545. Paul and the Holy Ghost conspire together to make Elymas (the sorcerer) blind. 13:8-11

  546. God chooses those who will believe [the right things], and only they will go to heaven. 13:48

  547. Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12

  548. Evil spirits know Jesus and Paul. They also jump on people and strip them of their clothes. 19:15-16

  549. The first Christian book burning occurs when Paul's converts at Ephesus burn 50,000 silver pieces worth of books. 19:19

  550. Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. 20:9

  551. Paul has kind words for everyone. Here he says, "God will smite thee, thou whited wall." 23:3

    Romans

  552.  "The wrath of God" is on all unbelievers. 1:18-20

  553. The existence and nature of God are self-evident; thus, unbelievers are "without excuse." 1:20

  554.  God abandons those who don't know him to "uncleanness and vile affections." 1:24-26

  555. With his usual intolerance, Paul condemns homosexuals. 1:24-26

  556.  Paul explains that "the natural use" of women is to act as sexual objects for the pleasure of men. 1:27

  557. Homosexuals (those "without natural affection") and their supporters (those "that have pleasure in them") are "worthy of death." 1:31-32

  558. Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The obvious answer to this is, yes. 3:5

  559.  God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20

  560.  Everyone is predestined by God to be either saved or damned; they can do nothing to affect their final destiny. 8:29-30

  561.  No one can oppose Christians since God is on their side. 8:31

  562.  A Christian cannot be accused of any wrongdoing. 8:33

  563.  God makes some people that are destined to go to heaven and others that will go to hell. There is nothing that they can do to change the will of God. 9:11-12

  564. God blinded the Jews so they wouldn't recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 11:7-10

  565. "The powers that be are ordained of God." Whoever resists them will be damned. 13:1-4

  566. Only wimps are vegetarians. 14:2

  567.  For once Paul gives good advice: "Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind." 14:5

  568.  "He that doubteth is damned ... Whosoever is not of faith is sin." 14:23

  569.  Shun those who disagree with your religious views. 16:17

    1 Corinthians

  570.  Paul lists ten things that will keep you out of heaven, including homosexuality and being "effeminate." 6:9-11

  571. Those who are unmarried should never marry. 7:27

  572. Paul, like Jesus and the other New Testament writers, expects the end to come soon. "The time is short." So there's no time for sex or marriage since the world will be ending soon. 7:29

  573. Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile friends, then you are friends with devils. 10:20

  574.  Paul says "the head of the woman is the man," meaning that the women are to be subordinate to men. 11:3

  575. If a woman refuses to cover her head in church, then her head must be shaved. 11:5-6

  576. Men are made in the image of God; women in the image of men. Women were created from and for men. 11:7-9

  577. God likes short hair on men and long hair on women. 11:13-15

  578. Women are commanded by Paul to be silent in church and to be obedient to men. He further says that "if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is  a shame for women to speak in church." 14:34-35

    2 Corinthians

  579. Saved people smell good to God. 2:15

  580. "The god of this world" has blinded the minds of nonbelievers. 4:3-4

  581. Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real sinners sinless. 5:21

  582. Keep away from unbelievers. Neither marry nor be friends with them. 6:14-17

  583. Christians cannot be freethinkers, since all their thoughts and imaginings must be brought into captivity in obedience to Christ. 10:5

    Galatians

  584. If anyone dares to disagree with Paul on religious matters, "let him be accursed." 1:8-9

  585. Those who try to follow the law are cursed 3:10

  586. Jesus was cursed by God. 3:13

  587. Witches, idol worshippers, and heretics will not go to heaven. (Guess where they'll be going.) 5:20-21

    Ephesians

  588. We are predestined by God to go to either heaven or hell. None of our thoughts, words, or actions can affect the final outcome. 1:4-5, 11

  589.  God had his son murdered to keep himself from hurting others for things they didn't do. 1:7

  590. Wives must submit to their husbands "in every thing" as though they were gods. "For the husband is the head of the wife." 5:22-24

  591. Slaves must obey their masters "as unto Christ." 6:5

    Colossians

  592. "The gospel ... was preached to every creature under heaven." 1:23

  593. "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8

  594. "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord." 3:18

  595. "Servants [slaves], obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God." 3:22

    1 Thessalonians

  596. Paul with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy, just, and blameless. 2:10

  597. He accuses "the Jews" of killing Jesus, persecuting the prophets, displeasing God, and being "contrary to all men." He concludes that the wrath of God will "come upon them to the uttermost. 2:14-16

  598. He accuses "the Jews" of killing Jesus, persecuting the prophets, displeasing God, and being "contrary to all men." He concludes that the wrath of God will "come upon them to the uttermost." 2:15-16

  599. Paul expected Jesus to return within the lifetime of his followers. 3:13

  600. He thought he would live to see the rapture. 4:15, 17

  601. "Prove all things; hold fast to what is good." 5:21

  602. He prays that the Thessalonians will be good until Jesus returns, implying that he expected this to happen within their lifetimes. 5:23

    2 Thessalonians

  603. Jesus will take "vengeance on them that know not God" by burning them forever "in flaming fire." 1:7-9

  604. "The day of Christ is at hand." Paul believed that he would see Jesus' return. 2:2

  605. He will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his mouth." 2:8

  606. Satan, not God, is all-powerful. 2:9

  607. God will cause us to believe lies so that he can damn our souls to hell. 2:11-12

  608. Those who disagree with Paul are to be shunned. 3:6, 14

    1 Timothy

  609. Ignore "fables and endless genealogies." If we follow this advice we would ignore most of the Bible -- especially the genealogies found in Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1, and Lk.3. 1:4

  610. Homosexuals (those "that defile themselves with mankind") are included in the list of lawless, disobedient, unholy, and profane people. 1:10

  611. "Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme." Apparently (see 2 Tim.2:16-18 and 4:14-15) their "blasphemy" was disagreeing with Paul. 1:20

  612. Women are to dress modestly, "with shamefacedness" -- "not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array." 2:9

  613. "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence." 2:11-12

  614. Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned after, Eve. But even though women are inferior to men, they shouldn't be discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15

  615. "In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4

  616. "Bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8

  617. Real widows are "desolate" and pray "night and day." But those widows that experience pleasure are "dead while [they] live." 5:5-6

  618. You should help a widow only if she : 1) is over 70 years old, 2) had only one husband, 3) has raised children, 4) has lodged strangers, 5) has "washed the saints feet," 6) has relieved the afflicted, and 7)has "diligently followed very good work." Otherwise, let them starve. "But the younger widows refuse [to help]: for ... they will marry; having damnation." Besides the young widows are always idle tattlers -- "busybodies, spreading things which they ought not." He adds that "some are already turned aside after Satan." 5:9-15

  619. Publicly humiliate those who sin by announcing their sins in front of God and everybody so "that others may also fear." 5:20

  620. Stop drinking water. Drink wine for your "stomach's" sake. 5:23

  621. "Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed." 6:1

  622. Avoid science, especially that which disagrees with Paul ("science falsely so called"). 6:20

    2 Timothy

  623. The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26

  624. "All scripture is given by the inspiration of God." Even Judges 19:22-30 and Ezek. 23:20? 3:16

  625. In the last days people will become evil, "without natural affection." Fundamentalist say that this refers to homosexuals. 3:3

  626. God selected us to be either saved or damned, and there isn't a damned thing we can do about it. 1:9

  627. "If we deny him [Jesus], he will deny us." Fair is fair! 2:12

  628. Shun non-believers and other profane babblers. 2:16

  629. Hymenaeus and Philetus are condemned for disagreeing with Paul about the timing of the resurrection. (See 1 Tim.1:20 and 2 Tim.4:14-15) 2:17-18

  630. In the last days, "silly women" who are "ever learning" will be "led away with divers lusts." 3:6-7

    Titus

  631. The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12

  632. Disregard "Jewish fables and commandments of men, that turn from the truth." Like most of the bible, maybe? 1:14

  633. "Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands." 2:4-5

  634. "Avoid ... genealogies." Like Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, and Lk.3? 3:9

  635. Jews are unruly liars "whose mouths must be stopped." 1:10-11

  636. Slaves must obey their masters and "please them well in all things ... showing all good fidelity." 2:9-10

  637. Heretics are to be rejected since they are subverted, sinners, and condemned by God. 3:10-11

    Philemon

  638. "The bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother." -- 7

    Hebrews

  639. The author of Hebrews believed that he was living in the "last days." 1:2

  640. God set the earth on a foundation; therefore, it does not move. 1:10

  641. Every skeptic and nonbeliever has "an evil heart of unbelief." 3:12

  642. God will not forgive us unless we shed the blood of some innocent creature. 9:13-14, 22

  643. Those who disobeyed the Old Testament law were killed without mercy. It will be much worse for those who displease Jesus. 10:28-29

  644. The author of Hebrews believed that Jesus would come "in a little while, and will not tarry." 10:37

  645. If you're not a Christian, it's impossible to please God. 11:6

  646. The heroes of faith (Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel) 11:32

  647. God always hurts the ones he loves. And if God doesn't hurt you, they you are a bastard, not a son. 12:6-8

  648. God ordered animals to be "stoned, or thrust through with a dart" if they "so much as ... touch the mountain." 12:20

  649. Be hospitable to strangers for "thereby some have entertained angels." 13:2

  650. Avoid "strange doctrines." Those who do so will avoid nearly everything that the Bible teaches. 13:9

    James

  651. "Pure religion ... is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." 1:27

  652. If you are merciless to others, God will be merciless to you. (Two wrongs make a right.) 2:13

  653. "What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him?" 2:14

  654. "Faith without works is dead." 2:17, 20, 26

  655. "Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble." 2:19

  656. "By works a man is justified, and not by faith only." 2:24

  657. James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7

  658. If your prayers are not answered, it's your own damned fault. 4:3

  659. Whoever is a friend of the world is an enemy of God.  4:4

  660. "Ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." (All we are is dust in the wind.) 4:14

  661. "Ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you." 5:1

  662. "The coming of the Lord draweth nigh." 5:8

  663. If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-15

    1 Peter

  664. We are all, according to Peter, predestined to be saved or damned. We have no say in the matter. It was all determined by "the sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ."1:2

  665. Peter believed that he was living in the "last times." 1:20

  666. He says that all slaves should "be subject to [their] masters with all fear," to the bad and cruel as well as the "good and gentle." 2:18

  667. He orders all wives to be "in subjection" to their husbands. 3:1

  668. Wives are to use "chaste conversation, coupled with fear." They are not to braid their hair, wear gold, or put on any "apparel." They are to do these things in imitation of the "holy" women of the Old testament who were "in subjection to their won husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord." 3:2-6

  669. In relation to her husband, the wife is "the weaker vessel." 3:7

  670. "The end of all things is at hand." 4:7

  671. Things may get rough for Christians, but it will really be hell for nonbelievers. 4:17-18

    2 Peter

  672.  Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later (19:30-38) impregnates them, is called a "righteous man" in 2:8.

  673. The author believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30) about the talking ass. 2:16

  674.  Those who lose their faith are like dogs that eat their own vomit. 2:22

  675.  The author of 2 Peter is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was supposed to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" 3:4

  676. Paul's epistles are hard to understand. And that those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures, do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16

    1 John

  677. John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows" this because he sees so many antichrists around. 2:18

  678.  Whoever denies "that Jesus is the Christ" is a liar and an antichrist. 2:22

  679. John warns his followers to get ready because Jesus is coming soon. 2:28

  680. "He that committeth sin is of the devil." 3:8

  681. "Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God." 3:10

  682. The antichrist was already present at the time 1 John was written. 4:3

  683. "God is love." 4:8

  684.  Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19

    2 John

  685. "Love one another." Except for all those antichrists (non-Christians), that is. Stay the hell away from them. (See verses 7-10) 5

  686. Non-Christians are deceivers and antichrists. 7

  687. "Whosoever ... abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God." 9

  688. Don't associate with non-Christians. Don't receive them into your house or even exchange greeting with them. 10

    3 John

  689. "I wrote unto the church."
    There was another epistle of John that has since been lost. 9

  690. John says he "will remember his [Diotrephes] deeds ... pratting against us with malicious words." 10

  691. "Follow not that which is evil, but that which is good." 11

  692. "He that doeth good is of God: but he that doeth evil hath not seen God." 11

    Jude

  693. God pre-ordained that certain "ungodly" men would deny Jesus. 4

  694. "The Lord ... destroyed them that believed not." 5

  695. "The angels which kept not their first estate"
    The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. 6

  696. God sent "eternal fire" on the people of Sodom and Gomorrah for "going after strange flesh." 7-8

  697. Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. This story is taken from the non-canonical book, The Assumption of Moses. 9

  698. Enoch, "the seventh from Adam", prophesied that God would come with 10,000 of his saints "to execute judgment upon all." But this prophecy is from the Book of Enoch, not from the Bible. 14-15

  699. "Remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles" ... that they told you there should be mockers in the last time."
    The author of Jude thought he was living in "the last time." 17-18

    Revelation

  700. John believes "the time is at hand," and that the things that he writes about in Revelation will "shortly come to pass." 1:1, 3, 22:10

  701. Jesus has white hair, eyes of fire, feet of brass, and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:13-16

  702. False Jews are members of "the synagogue of Satan." 2:9, 3:9

  703. God has seven spirits. 3:1, 5:6

  704. John has Jesus lie by saying: "Behold, I come quickly." 3:11

  705. God gave power to someone sitting on a red horse "to take from the earth ... that they should kill one another.&q