God's two magic trees: The tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. 2:9
"In the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." 2:17
God says that if Adam eats from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, then the day that he does so, he will die. But
Adam eats the forbidden fruit (3:6) and yet lives for another 930 years (5:5).
"Behold, the man is become as one of us." 3:22
God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life.
God knows that if they do that, they will live forever. A spooky thought indeed for an insecure god.
Don't mix seeds when sowing a field or wear a garment with mixed fibers. 19:19
If you have sex with a slave woman, you must then scourge her. 19:20
Don't round the corners of your head or mar the corners of your beard. 19:27
Children who curse their parents, adulterers, and homosexuals must be killed. 20:9-12
Woman with "familiar spirits" must be stoned to death. 20:27
The unchaste daughters of priests must be burnt to death. 21:9
Handicapped people must not approach the altar. 21:16-23
God's 14th Killing:
A man curses and blasphemes while disputing with another man. Moses asks God what to do about it. God says that the whole community
must stone him to death. "And the children of Israel did as the Lord and Moses commanded." 24:10-23
How to shit in the woods so that God doesn't step in it. 23:12-14
How to divorce your wife if you find "some uncleanness in her." 24:1-4
If you don't obey all of these laws, God will (among many other things) smite you with hemorrhoids, madness,
and blindness, burn or starve you to death, have some animals eat you, and snakes bite you. If you still refuse to
obey, he will have your wife raped and force you eat your own children. 28:15-68,
God's 31st Killing:
"And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass,
with the edge of the sword." 6:21
God's 32nd Killing:
A family is stoned and burned to death (along with their animals) to punish the father (Achan) for looking at "the
accursed thing." "So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger." 7:24-26
Joshua kills all the inhabitants of Ai, burns their city, and hangs their king on a tree. 8:22-31
To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons
and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9
When David had a census (that God "moved" him to have), God gave him a choice of three punishments: seven years of famine, three months of war, or three
days of pestilence. David couldn't decide, so God chose for him and 70,000 men died in a plague. (The details are different in
1 Chronicles, but the principle is the same.) 24:1-15
He sent the king of the Chaldees to kill all the "young men with the sword." He had "no compassion
upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand." 36:16-17
"There is no good ... but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life." 3:12
"Every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour." 3:13
"For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth,
so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast." 3:19
"All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again." 3:20
"Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?"
"There is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works." 3:22
"Better is a poor and a wise child than an old and foolish king." 4:13
"A fool's voice is known by multitude of words." 5:3
"It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools." 7:5
"I applied mine heart to know, and to search, and to seek out wisdom, and the reason of things." 7:25
"A man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to
drink, and to be merry." 8:15
"For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for a living dog is better than a dead lion." 9:4
"For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward;
for the memory of them is forgotten." 9:5
"Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart." 9:7
"Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom,
in the grave, whither thou goest." 9:10
"The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding,
nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." 9:11
"Walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes." 11:9
"Of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh." 12:12
He will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the prophets. 14:16
He plans to kill people with swords, tear their flesh with dogs, and feed their bodies to the birds and beasts.
Why? Because of something some former king did. 15:2-4
He will kill children, make more widows than there are grains of sand, terrorize cities, and then kill the survivors.
He told Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he will kill everyone (mothers and daughters,
fathers and sons). They all "shall die of grievous deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried,
but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth." For he has removed peace, "lovingkindness,"
and mercy from the people. 16:1-7
When the people ask why God is killing everyone, he answers by saying, "Because your fathers have
forsaken me." 16:10
He will make parents eat their own children, and friends eat each other. 19:7-9
He will kill everyone, "both man and beast," with a "great pestilence." 21:6
He will force all of Israel to get drunk. Then, he'll
kill them all with a sword. 25:27-29
He will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with their dead bodies. No one is to mourn
them or even bury them, "they shall be as dung upon the ground." 25:33
Ezekiel sees God's loins ("the glory of the Lord"), which were on fire. 1:27, 8:2
At God's command, Ezekiel eats a book that tastes as sweet as honey. 2:9 - 3:3
If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling block before him," God will
kill him. "He shall die in his sin" and whatever good he has done will be forgotten. 3:20,
The spirit (of God?) enters Ezekiel, ties him up, and makes his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth so that he could no longer speak.
God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days. 4:4-8
He tells Ezekiel to bake and eat bread that is made with the "dung that cometh out of man." 4:12
He tells him to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite
the second with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind. 5:1-3
He will force fathers to eat their sons and sons to eat their fathers and will cause every man's sword to be against his brother.
God will slaughter everyone by killing one third with plagues, one third with famines, and one third with wars. If any somehow
survive, he'll send "evil beasts" to devour them. Finally, after he's done killing, he "will be comforted." 5:11-17
He plans to kill everyone with plagues, famines, and wars. If any survive, he'll send beasts to devour them. He will decorate the land with human bones and dead bodies.
He tells Ezekiel to clap his hands and stamp his feet while saying, "they shall fall by the sword, by the famine,
and by the pestilence." 6:11
"The end is come upon the four corners of the land ... Now is the end come." 7:3-6
God will pour out his fury on everyone, with pity toward none. By so doing he says that "ye shall know that I am the Lord that smiteth."
He is mad at everyone and no one will escape his wrath. He'll kill them all -- good and bad, just and unjust -- with war,
disease, and starvation. He will ignore them when they beg for mercy. "Horror shall cover them" and "they shall know that I am the Lord."
7:14-27, 8:18, 21:3-5
A detached hand grabbed Ezekiel by the hair and raised him up between heaven and earth. 8:3
God marks the foreheads of the men who will be saved. All of the women
and unmarked men will be slaughtered. He will "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no one. 9:4
God will kill nearly everyone in one way or another (sword, famine, pestilence), but he’ll leave a few men standing “to declare
their abominations among the heathen.” 12:15-16
He dislikes women and pillows. "Woe to the women that sew pillows ... behold, I am against your pillows."
He deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his lies. 14:9, 20:25
He dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments her on her nice hair and breasts. 16:8
Seeing that it is the time for love, God spreads his skirt over Jerusalem to cover her nakedness. 16:8
After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more. Then he'll have her
stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords." 16:38-41
His ex-girlfriend (Jerusalem) had sex with every man that passed by. She especially liked the Egyptians with big penises.
If no one was available, she "committed whoredom" with "images of men." 16:15-26
A just man never gets near a menstruating woman. 18:5-6
"For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses."
"They shall take away thy nose and thine ears ... Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord." 23:25,
God gets all excited about cooking human flesh and "scum." 24:3-10
He killed Ezekiel's wife to demonstrate his intention to kill the Israelites' children.
Just as God told Ezekiel not to
mourn his wife's death, God forbids the parents to mourn the death of their children. 24:15-24
God will vex hearts, destroy nations, brandish his sword, kill animals, and cause floods. In this way people will come to know him.
If a "righteous" person does something wrong, God will forget every good thing that that person has ever done. Then God will
kill him for the single mistake. 33:12-13
He showed Ezekiel how to join together dead people's bones and then
bring them back to life. (The leg bone connected to the thigh bone.) 37:7-10
He is preparing a feast for the birds and beasts. They will eat human flesh until they're full and drink human blood
until they're drunk. 39:4, 17-20
God told Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because
the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3
He told Hosea to name his baby girl "Loruhamah," which means unloved. 1:6
Hosea tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife.
He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries
from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3
God will not have mercy upon children if they are the children of whoredoms. 2:4-5
"Now will I discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and none shall deliver her out of mine hand." 2:10
God tells Hosea to love an adulteress. So Hosea buys (another?) wife for a homer and a half of barley. 3:1-2
Committing whoredom by going a whoring with the spirit of whoredom. 4:10-12, 5:3-4
;If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit
whoredom" and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13
Even more whoredom! "They have committed whoredom continually." 4:14-18
God afflicted the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine), drought, blasting, and mildew. He killed them with pestilence, slaughtered them with the sword,
and "made the stink of their camps come up into their noses." And yet they still didn't return to him. What is wrong with people? 4:6-10
Woe is everyone (especially musicians and wine drinkers). 6:1-6
God burned up the earth and sea, and then he repented for it. 7:4-6
He stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks to Amos. 7:7
"Thus saith the LORD; Thy wife shall be an harlot in the city, and thy sons and thy daughters shall fall by the sword … and thou shalt die in a polluted land." 7:17
God shows Amos a basket of summer fruit and tells him that the end has come. 8:1-2
"There shall be many dead bodies in every place." 8:3
"I will cause the sun to go down at noon, and I will darken the earth in the clear day." 8:9
"I will bring up sackcloth upon all loins, and baldness upon every head." 8:10
God will kill "the last of them with the sword," and any that try to escape by diving to the bottom
of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a serpent. God will set his "eyes upon them for evil,
not for good." 9:1-4
Jesus strongly approved of the law and the prophets. He had no objection to the cruelties of the Old Testament and
said that its laws will be binding forever.
To avoid sin, Jesus told his followers to cut off their hands and pluck
out their eyes. This advice was given immediately after he said that anyone who
looks with lust at a women commits adultery. 5:29, 18:8
Jesus told his disciples not to pray in public. 6:5-6
He said that most people are going to hell. 7:13-14
He sent some devils into a herd of pigs, causing them to run off
a cliff and drown in the waters below. 8:32
Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has
actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall
rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
Jesus came to destroy families by making family members hate each other. He
to send peace, but a sword." 10:34-37
He condemned entire cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal torment of hell because they didn't care for
his preaching. 11:20-24
He spoke in parables so that no one would understand him, "lest ... they ...
should understand ... and should be converted, and I should heal them." 13:10-15
"For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him
shall be taken away even that he hath." Isn't this from the Republican Party platform?
Jesus was rejected by those who knew him best -- the people of his home town of Nazareth.
Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time. 14:2, 16:13-14
Jesus told his followers that he would return and establish his kingdom within their lifetime.
16:28, 23:36, 24:34
Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give your a big reward. 19:29
Matthew's Jesus rode into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass
and a colt (must have taken some practice!). 21:2-7
"His blood be on us, and on our children." This verse blames the Jews for the death of Jesus and has been used
to justify their persecution for twenty centuries. 27:25
God strikes Zacharias dumb for doubting the angel Gabriel's words. 1:20
John the Baptist says that Christ will burn the damned "with fire unquenchable." 3:17
The genealogy of Jesus given here is entirely different than that in Mt.1:6-16.
Peter and his partners (James and John) abandon their wives and children to follow Jesus. 5:11
People who are rich, well-fed, happy, or respected are going to hell. 6:24-26
John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. 7:19
Jesus speaks in parables so "that seeing they
might not see, and hearing they might not understand." 8:10
He falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see
him return and establish the kingdom of God. 9:27
Entire cities will be violently destroyed and the inhabitants "thrust down to hell" for
not "receiving" his disciples. 10:10-15
The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them. To this Jesus replies, "I give
unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt
Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him. 10:21
He insults his mother (the Most Holy Blessed Virgin Mary). 11:27-28
He calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt.5:22),
worthy of "hell fire." 11:40
He blames all the deaths of the prophets (from Abel to Zacharias) on his generation. 11:47-52
He says that we should fear God since he has the power to kill us
and then torture us forever in hell. 12:5
The unforgivable sin: blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. 12:10
God is like a slave-owner who tortures and chops his slaves in pieces. 12.46-47
Jesus says that his disciples must hate their families (mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters,
husbands, wives, children) and themselves. 14:26
If you want to be a disciple of Jesus, you must abandon everything, including your family.
"That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty, courage, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of
Abandon your wife and family for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 18:29-30
God is like an unjust king who takes what is not rightly his, reaps what he didn't sow, and has those who don't
want to be ruled by him slaughtered in front of him. 19:12-27
Jesus says that everyone will hate Christians, and some Christians
will be killed, yet no Christian will be harmed in any way. 21:16-18
He says that all that he describes (his return, signs in the sun,
moon, and stars, etc.) will occur within the lifetime of his listeners. 21:32
Jesus told Nathaniel that he would see heaven open and angels descend upon Jesus.
Nathaniel never saw it; neither has anyone else. 1:51
He believed the stupid and vicious story from Numbers 21.
(God sent snakes to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water. Then God told
Moses to make a brass snake to cure them from the bites.) 3:14
Those who, for whatever reason, do not believe in Jesus are tormented forever in hell. 3:18, 8:24,
Jesus magically perceived that a Samaritan woman had been married and divorced five times previously. (He could spot a divorced woman a mile away.)
He believed people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He told a crippled man, after healing him, to
"sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14
The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, (his family, friends, and
neighbors) didn't believe in him. 6:42, 7:5
Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have eternal life. 6:53
A man was born blind so that Jesus could show off his powers by curing him of his blindness. 9:1-3
Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt, and rubs the muddy spit on (or in?) a blind man's eyes. 9:6
Everyone that ever lived before Jesus was a thief and a robber. 10:8
Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and possessed by a devil. 10:10
Lazarus suffered and died (or pretend to die) so that Jesus could be "be glorified" by raising him from the dead.
Mary wastes expensive ointment on Jesus' feet, rather than selling the ointment and giving the money to the poor. But Jesus thinks his feet are more important,
saying that poor people will always be around, but he and his precious feet won't be. 12:3-8
Jesus was wrong about seeds. If a seed dies, it dies. It only produces a new plant if it stays alive (in a dormant stage) until it germinates. Dead
seeds bring forth no fruit. 12:24
You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go to hell after you die.) 12:25
God hardened the hearts of the Jews to prevent them from believing in Jesus. 12:40
Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater miracles than he did! 14:12
If you don't like Jesus, then you don't like God. (You're a damned God hater.) 15:23
Christians always get whatever they ask for in prayer. 15:7, 16;
The Jews are blamed for the death of Jesus. 19:7-15
After his resurrection, Jesus could walk through walls. 20:19, 26
Jesus implies that he will return to earth during the lifetime of John. 21:22
Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real sinners sinless. 5:21
Keep away from unbelievers. Neither marry nor be friends with them. 6:14-17
"Give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver."
The televangelist's favorite verse! 9:7
"For your liberal distribution unto them, and unto all men ... Thanks be to God." God loves liberals! 9:13-15
Christians cannot be freethinkers, since all their thoughts and imaginings must be brought into captivity in
obedience to Christ. 10:5
There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember whether it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway,
one of these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other guy was in paradise. He heard stuff, too, but it's illegal to talk about it. 12:2-4
Paul says he "will not spare" when he comes back to punish those who have sinned. 13:2
Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5
Homosexuals are lawless, disobedient, unholy, and profane. 1:10
"Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme." 1:20
Women are to dress modestly, "with shamefacedness" -- "not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or
costly array." 2:9
"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a
woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence." 2:11-12
Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned after, Eve. But even though women are inferior to
men, they shouldn't be discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15
"In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4
Real widows are "desolate" and pray "night and day." But those widows that experience pleasure
are "dead while [they] live." 5:5-6
You should help a widow only if she : is over 60 years old, had only one husband, has raised children,
has lodged strangers, has "washed the saints feet," has relieved the afflicted, and has "diligently
followed very good work." Otherwise, let them starve. "But the younger widows refuse [to help]: for ... they will
marry; having damnation." Besides the young widows are always idle tattlers -- "busybodies, spreading things
which they ought not ... some are already turned aside after Satan." 5:9-15
Publicly humiliate those who sin by announcing their sins in front of God and everybody so
"that others may also fear." 5:20
Stop drinking water. Drink wine for your "stomach's" sake. 5:23
"Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the
name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed." 6:1
"Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be ... ready to distribute." 6:17-18
Avoid "science falsely so called" -- especially if it disagrees with the Bible. 6:20
"By faith the harlot Rahab perished not with them that believed not." 11:31
The heroes of faith: Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel. It would be hard to find a more monstrous group than these guys. 11:32
"Others were tortured ... that they might obtain a better resurrection." 11:35
God always hurts the ones he loves. If he doesn't hurt you, you're a bastard, not a son. 12:6-8
God ordered animals to be "stoned, or thrust through with a dart" if they "so much as ... touch the mountain."
Avoid "strange doctrines." Those who do so
will avoid nearly everything in the Bible. 13:9
"Our brother Timothy is set at liberty; with whom, if he come shortly, I will see you."
The author of Hebrews never claims to be (and wasn't) Paul, but he wants people to think that he was. And it worked. That's why Hebrews is in the Bible. 13:23
"No prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation." That's just your interpretation. 1:20
"There shall be false teachers among you, who ... shall bring in damnable heresies ... and bring upon themselves swift destruction ...
Their damnation slumbereth not." 2:1-3
"God spared not the angels that sinned, but cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness." 2:4
"Noah ... a preacher of righteousness."
God drowned everyone on earth except for Noah [the first drunken "preacher of righteousness" (see Gen.9:20-25)] and his family.
"Turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrha into ashes" 2:6
Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and
later gets drunk and impregnates them (19:30-38), is a "just" and "righteous man."
God knows how to punish those that lust or "despise government." (Watch out Teabaggers!) 2:9-14
The author believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30)
about the talking ass. 2:16
Those who lose their faith are like dogs that eat their own vomit. 2:22
The author of 2 Peter is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was
supposed to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" So he makes up the
"one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." Believers have been using it ever since.
God will set the entire earth on fire so that he can burn non-believers to death. 3:7
When Jesus finally does come, the heavens will "pass away with a great noise" and the earth will "be burnt up." 3:10
Paul's epistles are hard to understand; those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures,
do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16
Only 144,000 celibate, male, Jews will be saved. (Those who were not
"defiled with women.") 7:4, 14:3-4
Horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair,
lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and torture them for five months. 9:7-10
Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the
earth's population. 9:15-19
An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but
it makes his belly bitter. 10:10
God will send an earthquake that will kill 7000 people. 11:13
"And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought
against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7
Those who receive the mark of the beast will "drink of the wine of the wrath of God ... and shall be
tormented with fire and brimstone ... and the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever."
Jesus and his angel friends slaughter people with sickles. 14:14-20
"The great winepress of the wrath of God ... was trodden ... and the blood came
even unto the horses bridles." 14:19
The great harlot is "full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication."
She will be made "desolate and naked,"
and her flesh will be eaten by kings. 17:1-16
Jesus, whose clothes are dipped in blood, has a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth. Thus attired, he treads
the winepress of the wrath of God. 19:13-15
An angel calls all the fowls to feast upon dead human bodies, or as the angel calls it "the supper of the
great God." (Angel food?) 19:17-18
The beast and the false prophet are cast alive into a lake of fire. The rest were killed with the sword of
Jesus. "And all the fowls were filled with their flesh." 19:20-21
When the thousand years are over, God will send Satan to deceive us all. 20:7-8
Whoever isn't found listed in the book of life will be cast into the lake of fire. 20:15
Those who are fearful or unbelieving will be cast into "the lake which burneth with fire and
Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible) will be struck with plagues, and
anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life.