Possibly Gay Bible Stories
From Chapter 4 of Strange Flesh: The Bible and Homosexuality
I believe that it is fun to play with the Scriptures to see what they might hold for us if we are willing to use our imagination. -Thomas Bohache1The Bible is a big book that is filled with stories. So it’s not surprising that some of them involve, or appear to involve, homosexuality in one way or another. In most cases, though, it’s a matter of interpretation (and imagination). So let your imagination run wild as you read these stories. Imagination is often the key to a gay interpretation. (Stories in biblical order) (From Chapter 4 of Strange Flesh: The Bible and Homosexuality by Steve Wells)
6. Elisha and the dead boyElisha2 was Elijah’s disciple, and when it came to raising little boys from the dead, his master must have taught him well.3
The story begins when a woman from Shunem befriends Elisha. She immediately recognized him as a man of God, so she fed him and asked her husband to give him a place to stay.
Elisha passed to Shunem, where was a great woman; and she constrained him to eat bread. And so it was, that as oft as he passed by, he turned in thither to eat bread. And she said unto her husband, Behold now, I perceive that this is an holy man of God, which passeth by us continually. Let us make a little chamber, I pray thee, on the wall; and let us set for him there a bed, and a table, and a stool, and a candlestick: and it shall be, when he cometh to us, that he shall turn in thither. 2 Kings 4:8-10So Elisha stayed in the room they made for him.
And... he came thither, and he turned into the chamber, and lay there. 2 Kings 4:11Elisha wanted to repay the woman and her husband. So he asked his servant, Gehazi, to look into it. Gehazi said, “Well, she has no children and her husband is old.”
He said to Gehazi his servant … What then is to be done for her? And Gehazi answered, Verily she hath no child, and her husband is old. 4:12-14Which gave Elisha an idea. He’d make the old woman pregnant!
He said, Call her. And when he had called her, she stood in the door. And he said, About this season, according to the time of life, thou shalt embrace a son. 4:15The woman thought that was a crazy idea. She and her husband were too old to have kids.
And she said, Nay, my lord, thou man of God, do not lie unto thine handmaid. 4:16But Elisha made her pregnant anyway. And she had a baby boy. (In the Bible boys always result from miracle pregnancies.)4
And the woman conceived, and bare a son at that season that Elisha had said unto her, according to the time of life. 4:17Years later, the boy was out helping his dad when he grabbed his head and cried out, “My head, My head.”
When the child was grown, it fell on a day, that he went out to his father to the reapers. And he said unto his father, My head, my head. 4:18-19By the time they got back to the house, the boy was dead.
And when he had taken him, and brought him to his mother, he sat on her knees till noon, and then died. 4:20The woman put her dead son on Elisha’s bed and went to find Elisha on Mount Carmel.
And she went up, and laid him on the bed of the man of God, and shut the door upon him, and went out. So she went and came unto the man of God to mount Carmel. 4:21-25When she found him, she said, “Why did you give me a son? I didn’t ask for one!”
Then she said, Did I desire a son of my lord? did I not say, Do not deceive me? 4:28Elisha responded by telling his servant Gehazi to gird his loins, go back to Shunem, and lay Elisha’s staff on the face of the child.
He said to Gehazi, Gird up thy loins, and take my staff in thine hand, and go thy way … and lay my staff upon the face of the child. 4:29So Gehazi traveled to Shunem and laid Elisha’s staff on the dead boy’s face. (The body must have been a bit stinky by now since Shunem is about 20 miles from Mount Carmel.)5
And Gehazi ... laid the staff upon the face of the child. 4:31a
But shucks! The magic trick didn’t work.
But there was neither voice, nor hearing. 4:31bGehazi went back to Mount Carmel to tell Elisha the bad news.
Wherefore he went again to meet him, and told him, saying, The child is not awaked. 4:31bSo Elisha returned to Shunem to take care of things himself. When he arrived, he went into the room, closed the door, and prayed to God.
And when Elisha was come into the house, behold, the child was dead, and laid upon his bed. He went in therefore, and shut the door upon them twain, and prayed unto the LORD. 4:32-33Then he lay down on top of the dead boy’s body, put his mouth on the boy’s mouth, his eyes on the boy’s eyes, and his hands on the boy’s hands.
And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands. 4:34aWhile still in this position, he stretched himself upon the dead boy’s body until the flesh began to warm.
And [he] stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm. 4:34b
But Elisha still wasn’t through. He got off of the boy and walked around a bit.
Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro. 4:35aThen he lay down on top of the warming body until the boy sneezed seven times.
And [he] went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times. 4:35bAnd with that, the boy opened his eyes.
And the child opened his eyes. 4:35cNow that was a strange story, wasn’t it? But it might be even stranger. Here’s how Keith Sharpe explains it in The Gay Gospels,
Obviously the staff ... is a symbol for Elisha's penis. However ... without the rest of his body being there to call down the full force of Yahweh's energy the penis substitute is impotent."6The miracle required the real thing. When Elisha supplied that, the boy's dead body became warm. And when the boy came to life for real, he sneezed seven times.
Jennings, as usual, goes a bit further suggesting that there was more to this sneezing thing than meets the eye.
Sneezing… is like another act -- the act of ejaculation. Ejactulating seven times is a sign of rather extraordinary vitality. … Elisha’s act of getting upon the boy … is an act of sexual arousal, whose success is represented not only by erection … but also by multiple ejaculation.6Anyway, the story shows how much God loves homosexuality. But then I guess that's kind of obvious, what with Leviticus 20:13 and all.
2. Elisha is perhaps best known for sending two bears to kill 42 boys for making fun of his bald head.
As he [Elisha] was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23-24
4. Here is a list of the Bible’s miracle births. All resulted in baby boys.
Isaac, Genesis 18:10-15, 21:1-2
6. Keith Sharpe, The Gay Gospels: Good News for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered People, p.133.
7. Theoldore W. Jennings, Jacob's Wound: Homoerotic Narrative in the Literature of Ancient Israel, p.104.