Because God liked Abel's animal sacrifice more than Cain's vegetables, Cain kills his brother
Abel in a fit of religious jealousy. 4:8
Lamech is the first of a long line of biblical men with more than one wife. It seems
that God approves of such marriages. 4:19
The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies
around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah
sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at
him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A
servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren."
9:20-25
"And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger
son had done unto him."
What did Ham do? Did he just look at his naked father or was there something more to it than that?
Some commentators have suggested that Ham committed homosexual rape on his drunken father, and that
this was why Ham's descendants were eternally punished with slavery. 9:24
Abram makes his wife lie for him, by telling the Egyptians that she is his sister. But at
least it was half-true, since she was his half-sister. Such incestuous marriages are condemned
elsewhere in the Bible, but god makes an exception for Abram and Sarai. (See
Gen.17:15-16
where God blesses their marriage.) 12:13
Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for children. (In
the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She sends Abram into her
handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by her." Abram gladly complies.
16:1-4
Hagar conceives, making Sarai jealous. Abram tells Sarai to do to Hagar whatever she
wants. "And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled." 16:6
An uncircumcised boy is to be abandoned by his parents and community. 17:14
"I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19.
Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would
God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32
Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters"
instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your
eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in
2 Peter 2:7-8. 19:8
God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom and Gomorrah
by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven." Well, almost everyone -- he
spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his family.19:24
Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt.
19:26
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just
and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and
bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story.
19:30-38
Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason.
And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years
old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical,
episode.) 20:2
God gets angry with king Abimelech, though the king hasn't even touched Sarah. He
says to the king, "Behold, thou art but a dead man," and threatens to kill him and all of his
people. To compensate for the crime he never committed, Abimelech gives Abraham sheep,
oxen, slaves, silver, and land. Finally, after Abraham "prayed unto God," God lifts his
punishment to Abimelech, "for the Lord had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of
Abimelech, because of Sarah." 20:3-18
God "closed all the wombs" because Abimelech believed Abe's lie. 20:18
Abraham married his sister, and God blessed their marriage
(17:15-16). 20:12
Sarah, after giving birth to Isaac, gets angry again at Hagar (Gen.16:5-6) and
tells Abraham to 'cast out this bondwoman and her son." God commands Abraham to
"hearken unto her voice." So Abraham abandons Hagar and Ishmael, casting them out into the
wilderness to die. 21:10-14
God orders Abraham to kill Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham shows his love for
God by his willingness to murder his son. But finally, just before Isaac's throat is slit, God
provides a goat to kill instead. 22:2-13
Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God. Only an evil God would ask a father to do that; only a bad
father would be willing to do it. 22:10
Isaac loved Esau because Esau was a hunter and Isaac loved venison. Rebekah loved Jacob, but God hated Esau (see
Rom.9:13). No reason is given for why one son is loved while
the other is hated. But since God chose to act this way, it must have been as an example for parents to follow. Have
you decided which of your children to hate? 25:28
Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so effectively
(see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7
Jacob, with coaching from his mother, obtains Isaac's blessing by lying. God seems to
have been fooled as well. 27:19
Esau, who already had two wives (26:34),
"takes" another. 28:9
Jacob offers to work for seven years to pay for Rachel. As it turns out, he is tricked
into having sex with her sister, Leah, instead, so he has to work for another seven years so in order
to pay for them both. 29:18-30
Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so
that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her
[Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was
going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too.
29:21-30
Jacob finally gets to "go in unto" Rachel. He loved Rachel more than Leah. 29:30
Since Jacob hated Leah, God decided to "open her womb" and make Rachel barren. (Like he did to Sarah and Rebekah.)
29:31
Leah conceives and bears four sons. And it's a good thing, too, since her husband
hated her until then for not giving him any sons. 29:32-34
"Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she cannot produce
children for her husband. But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her."
She solved the problem the same way as did Sarah. (16:2)
"And Jacob went in unto her." 30:1-4
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare
Jacob a son." 30:9
Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob cam
home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's
mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is
teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
Leah thinks her husband will honor her now that she has given him six sons. 30:20
"Then Jacob ... set his ... wives upon camels." Jacob had four wives (or two wives and
two concubines -- this distinction is not clear in the Bible): Rachel, Leah, Billah, and Zilpah.
There is no indication that God disapproves of this arrangement. 31:17
Jacob has two wives and two concubines, continuing the biblical tradition of polygamy. 32:22
Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her
brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised),
and then take their wives and children captive. 34:1-31
"Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine."
35:22, 49:4
Esau (Isaac's son) had several wives (continuing the tradition of polygamy, with no
editorial comment from the Bible). 36:2, 6
Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids
in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)
37:3-4
Judah has casual sex with a Canaanite woman which results in two sons, Er and Onan.
38:2-4
After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto they brother's wife." But "Onan
knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he
spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew
him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many
Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control.
38:8-10
Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a
prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee ....
And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." 38:13-18
After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is
with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be
burnt." 38:24
God threatens to kill the Pharaoh's firstborn son. 4:23
Moses was the product of an incestuous marriage. 6:20
God tells Moses that he intends to "smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast."
12:12
After God has sufficiently hardened the Pharaoh's heart, he kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. When he was finished
"there was not a house where there was not one dead." 12:29
Moses kisses his father-in-law (Jethro, Hobab, or Reul)
and treats him as though he were a king,
but he completely ignores his wife (Zipporah, who in Exodus 4:24-26 saved
him from God's attempt to murder him) and two sons. 18:6-27
God says it's okay for slave owners to split up slave families. 21:4
"His master shall bore his ear through with an aul; and he shall serve him for ever." 21:6
How to sell your daughter -- and what to do if she fails to please her new master. 21:7-8
God's instructions for taking a second wife. 21:10
A child who hits or curses his parents must be executed. 21:15, 17
If you "entice" an "unmarried maid" to "lie" with you, then you must marry her, unless the father
refuses to give her to you, in which case you must pay him the going price for virgins.
22:16-17
If you make God angry enough, he will kill you and your family with his own sword. 22:24
"The firstborn of thy sons thou shalt give unto me." (As a burnt offering?) 22:29
God tells the Israelites to kill their family and friends for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf.
32:27-28
God says that he visits "the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's
children, unto the third and fourth generation."
34:7
Two of the sons of Aaron "offered strange fire before the Lord" and "there went out fire
from the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the Lord." 10:1-2
Moses tells Aaron that his sons were burned to death to sanctfy and glorify God. 10:3
Moses tells Aaron's cousins to drag the burned bodies out of the camp, and he warns Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons or God will
kill him too, along with everyone else. 10:4-6
Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their
purification. If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must be purified for 33 days;
but if a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days and be purified for 66 days. This is
because, in the eyes of God, girls are twice as dirty as boys. 12:1-5
After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a
sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are killed for
him. 12:6-8
"For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death." Couldn't
we try spanking first? 20:9
If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11
If a man has sex with his daughter in law, kill them both. 20:12
If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three
of your must be burned to death. 20:14
Don't have sex with your sister, uncle's wife, or your brother's wife -- and tell
them to wear clothes whenever you're around. 20:17,
19-21
A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death. 21:9
God tells the Israelites to make slaves out of their neighbors and their families. The "heathens" and
"strangers" are to be their possessions forever. 25:44-46
"Ye shall sow your seed
in vain, for your enemies shall eat it." 26:16
"I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children." 26:22
"And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." 26:29
Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before the Lord." 3:4
The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then
makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm
done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall
bear her iniquity." 5:11-31
"Then the priest
shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say
unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people,
when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:21
"And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot:
And the woman shall say, Amen, amen." 5:22
Because of a dispute between Korah and
Moses, God has the ground open up and swallow Korah, Dathan, and Abiram "and their wives, and
their sons, and their little children." Then, just for the hell of it, God has a fire burn to death
250 "men that offered incense."
16:20-35
Another God-assisted genocide: Bashan and all his people. 21:34-35
When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly."
This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before
24,000 had died. 25:6-9
For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons with the everlasting
priesthood. 25:10-13
Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and
children captive. When Moses learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill
every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children,
that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back and did as Moses (and
presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow!
(Even God gets some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54
At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women, and the little ones" leaving "none to
remain." 2:33-36
The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of every
city. 3:3-6
If your brother, son, daughter, wife, or friend tries to get you to worship another god, "thou shalt surely kill him,
thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death." 13:6-10
In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the males (including old men, boys, and babies) with
"the edge of the sword .... But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself." 20:13
"But of the cities ... which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that
breatheth." Kill the old men and women, the sick and the dying, the blind and the lame, pregnant mothers, nursing mothers,
infants, toddlers, and babies. 20:16
If you see a pretty woman among the captives and would like her for a wife, then just bring her home and "go in
unto her." Later, if you decide you don't like her, you can "let her go." 21:11-14
Rules for those who have two wives: "one beloved, and another hated."
21:15-17
If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son," then you and the other men in your neighborhood "shall stone him
with stones that he die." 21:18-21
If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. If
her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's
doorstep. 22:13-21
If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough, then "the men of the city shall stone her to
death." 22:23-24
If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels of silver and then marry her.
22:28-29
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye
shall not pity her." 25:11-12
"Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her." 28:30
Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32
"Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for they shall go into
captivity." 28:41
"All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever." 28:45
"And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters."
28:53-55
"The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her
feet." 28:56-57
When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you with fire, and send vicious beasts to
devour you. He'll "destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the
helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26
Joshua's spies visit and "came unto" a prostitute in Jericho. They weren't very discreet about it either, since
the King of Jericho soon found out about it. The king's officials ask Rahab to "bring forth the men
that are come to thee." 2:1-4
"And the city shall be accursed ... and all that therein, to the Lord: only Rahab the harlot shall live."
6:17
"And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass,
with the edge of the sword." 6:21
After killing everyone in Jericho, "they burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein."
6:24
Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest
and their youngest sons in its construction. 6:26
If you happen to see "the accursed thing," don't touch it. If you do, you, your family, and all of your animals must
be burned. 7:15
"And Joshua ... took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his sheep... And all of Israel
stoned them with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." 7:24-26
Joshua and his army, per God's instructions, slaughter "all the inhabitants of Ai." 8:22-26
Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can find (including babies and little children)--
or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-32
God delivers the Hazorites into Joshua's hand, and he knows just what to do with them: he smites them all with
(you guessed it) the edge of the sword until "there was not any left to breathe." 11:6-17
Caleb offers to give his daughter to whoever conquers the city of Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest
and is given his cousin for a prize. 15:16-17
Caleb offers to give his daughter to anyone who conquers the city of Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest and
is given his cousin for a prize. 1:12-13
Gideon orders his son to kill two kings, but he refuses. So Gideon has to do it himself since his son isn't "man"
enough to do it. 8:20
Abimelech kills 70 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.)
9:5
When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal with God: If God will help him kill the
Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him.
God keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter." But when Jephthah returns, his
nameless daughter comes out to greet him (who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to
God as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and down on the mountains bewailing
her virginity. 11:29-39
Samson's father-in-law gave Samson's wife away to a friend, since he thought Samson "hated" her. He suggests
that Samson take his younger daughter instead, saying the younger one's prettier anyway. 15:2
After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of
perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an
ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of
Israel. 19:22-30
To find wives for the Benjamites (they were unwilling to use their own daughters), the other tribes attacked
and killed all occupants of a city except for the young virgins. These virgins were then given to the Benjamites for
wives. 21:7-23
Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) advises Ruth as to how to best seduce Boaz.
She tells her to wait until he is a bit drunk and has fallen asleep. Then "go in and uncover his feet
[a biblical euphemism for male genitals], and lay thee down; and he will tell thee what to do."
3:3-4
Ruth does as Naomi says, and then at midnight Boaz wakes up and finds Ruth "at his feet." He asks who she is,
and she says, "I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore your skirt over thine handmaid."
3:7-9
Boaz seems agreeable to the suggestion and says, "I will do thee all that thou requirest." Next he asks her to
"Tarry this night ... lie down until the morning." so Ruth "lay at his feet until morning."
3:11-14
"He [Samuel's father] had two wives." Once again, by its silence, the Bible endorses polygamy.
1:2
"The Lord had shut up her [Hannah's] womb." Why? The Bible doesn't say. Maybe God had nothing better to do.
1:5
The sons of Eli had sex with women "at the door of the tabernacle." 2:22
If you piss him off, God will cut off your arm, consume your eyes, grieve your heart, and kill your sons and
grandfathers. 2:31-34
God will punish Eli's descendants forever for the sins of Eli's sons. 3:12-13
Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13) and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants
is fine with me." 3:18
God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep,
camels, and asses. 15:2-3
Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But still God was furious with Saul for
not killing everything as he had been told to do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king."
15:7-26
Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by failing to kill all of the
Amalekites. 15:18-19
Because Saul didn't kill everyone as God commanded, God changes his mind about him
being king. 15:23-26
David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal).
Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
Saul kills 85 priests of Nob and all men, women, children, and animals in the city of Nob. 22:18-19
"And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal, that he died." This was convenient for
David who then took his property and his wife, Abigail. 25:38
David takes his second wife (Abigail) after God killed her husband (Nabal). He also, at the same time,
took another wife (#3), Abinam. In the meantime, Saul gave Michal (his daughter and David's first wife) to another
man. 25:41-44
"And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!)
27:8-11
David just keeps getting more wives. God doesn't seem to mind a bit. 30:5
David, by this time, has at least seven wives (Michal, Ahinoam, Abigail, Maacah, Haggith, Abital, and Ehlah),
and he was just getting started. 3:2-5
David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines."
Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27).
3:14
Michal was bought by David with 200 Philistine foreskins
(1 Sam.18:25-27), then she was "given"
to Phatiel (1 Sam.25:44), and then "taken back" by David.
Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping behind her."
3:15-16
"And David took him more concubines and wives." (How many? God knows I suppose, but he doesn't tell us in
the Bible.) 5:13
King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. Michal criticizes him for
exposing himself and God
punishes her by having "no child unto the day of her death." 6:14, 20-22
David sees a woman (Bathsheba) bathing and likes what he sees. so he sends for her and commits adultery
with her "for she was purified from her uncleanness." She conceives and bears a son (of course).
11:2-5
David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathsheba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle
... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife. 11:15,
11:17, 11:27
God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will have David's wives raped by his
neighbor while everyone else watches. It turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's
own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12
To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. 12:14-18
After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears
another son (Solomon). 12:24
Ammon (David's son) says to his half-sister Tamar, "Come lie with me, my sister." But she resists, so he
rapes her and then sends her away. Tamar, knowing that she now belongs to him (since she was a virgin), expects him
to marry her, but he refuses. 13:1-22
Absalom has his servants kill his brother for raping his sister. (This chapter, which includes incest, rape,
murder, should be rated NC-17.) 13:28-29
David leaves ten of his concubines home to clean house. 15:16
Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." This was according the God's plan
as announced in 2 Sam.12:11-12. 16:21-22
To punish his ten concubines for
being raped by his son, Absalom (See 16:21-22),
David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to
"keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3
To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have seven of
Saul's sons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9
a former king had done. 21:1
Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin minister unto him. 1:1-4
In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab and Shimei. 2:1-9
Adonijah (Solomon's half-brother) sends Bathsheba (Solomon's mother) to ask King Solomon to
let Adonijah have sex with his David's concubine Abishag. But
Solomon had him murdered instead. 2:13-25
Solomon has his brother (Adonijah) murdered. 2:24-25
Solomon carries out the deathbed instructions of his father David by having Joab murdered. 2:29-34
"King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700 wives and 300
concubines." 11:1-3
God is angry with Solomon, but decides to punish Solomon's
son rather than Solomon himself, because he liked Solomon's father (David) so darned much.
11:11-12
Did Abijam marry his own mother?
Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah), Abijam was both father and
brother to Asa. 15:9-10
Baasha kills "all of the house of Jeroboam" leaving none "to breath." This slaughter was done "according to the
word of the Lord." 15:29
When Hiel rebuilds Jericho, he lays the foundation with the body of his oldest son and sets up the gates with
his youngest son's body "according to the word of the Lord." 16:34
God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24
In a desperate attempt to halt the slaughter of his people by the Israelites, the king of Moab sacrifices his oldest
son as a burnt offering. And it seems to have worked! 3:27
Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his
descendants lepers forever. 5:27
"So we boiled my son, and did eat him." Women killed, boiled and ate their own
children because of a plague that God sent, or as the Bible puts it: "Behold, this evil is of the
Lord." 6:28-29, 33
All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets, and sent to Jezreel. He says, "Lay ye
them in two heaps ..." 10:7-8
Jehu kills all that remained of king Ahab's family. 10:11
When Athaliah "saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all of the seed royal." 11:1
King Menahem rips up all the pregnant women in Tizzah "because they opened not to him." Does God approve
of such acts? It's impossible to tell from this passage; the mass murder is simply reported without editorial comment.
15:16
Rehoboam had 18 wives and 60 concubines. Once again, if silence implies consent, then God must approve of
such arrangements. 11:21
"But Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives." Apparently, in the eyes of God, a man's status is
determined by the number of wives that he possesses. 13:21
"Whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or
great, whether man or woman." 15:13
God inspired Jehoram's enemies to steal his wives and children. Then
he made Jehoram so sick that his bowels fell out. 21:14-19
"Jehoiada took for him two wives" -- without comment, complaint, or criticism from the bible.
24:3
The Israelites enslave 200,000 women and children "because they had forsaken the Lord God of
their fathers." 28:6, 8
God gets angry with his people, so he sends the king of the Chaldees to kill all the "young men with the
sword." He has compassion for no one, not even old men that are "stooped for age." In his tender mercy and loving
kindness he has them all slaughtered. 36:16-17
King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders
Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. 1:7-11
Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before them. For this she is no longer to be queen,
to be replaced by someone better (prettier?). 1:12-19
Because of Vashti's disobedience, the king decrees that "all the wives shall give to their husbands honor, both the
great and the small" and "that every man should bear rule over his own house."
1:20-22
"All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the
king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-4
When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases the king the most. So, having won the sex
contest, she is made queen in Vashti's place. 2:8-9, 12-17
At Esther's request, the king orders a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from Egypt to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned
to kill Jews shall be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day.
(How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill them all and let God sort it out?
And why did they need to kill the women and children?) 8:9-11
"The ten sons of Haman the son of Hammedatha, the enemy of the Jews, slew they." 9:10
"The king said unto Esther the queen, The Jews have slain and destroyed
five hundred men in Shushan the palace, and the ten sons of Haman ... what is thy request further? ...
Then said Esther ... let Haman's ten sons be hanged."
Esther tells the king to hang the already dead bodies of Haman's ten sons on trees. Why? Would they make nice decorations? To show everyong
what will happen to your children if you try to mistreat Jews? 9:12-14
If you make God angry, he'll burn you and your children to death. 21:9-10
Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They tell lies immediately after birth
(before they can even talk!). 58:3
The psalmist recounts God's treatment of the Egyptians: "He smote the firstborn in their land." See Ex.12:29-30 for the gory details.
105:29-36
God sent a plague on the Israelites for "committing whoredom with the daughters of Moab." But
"then stood up Phinehas, and executed judgment [by throwing a spear through a newly married couple]:
and so the plague was stayed." But not before 24,000 (1 Cor.10:8
says 23,000) had died. (See Num.25:6-9 for all the gory details.)
106:29-30
The psalmist asks God to do all sorts of unpleasant things to his enemies. "Set thou a wicked man over
him; and let Satan stand at his right hand .... Let his prayer become sin." He asks God to take away his possessions,
kill him, and have his children suffer for the sins of their fathers.
109:6-14
"Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."
A man should have as many children as he can. To hell with birth control. 127:3-5
God is praised for slaughtering little babies. 135:8,
136:10
"To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever."
136:10
"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."
137:9
Beating your children with a rod is a sure sign of parental love. 13:24
Beat your children and don't stop just because they cry. 19:18
Beating your children will make them less foolish. Have you beaten your
child today? 22:15
Beat your children hard and often. Don't worry about hurting them. You
may break a few bones and cause some brain damage, but it isn't going to
kill them. And even if they do die, they'll be better off. They'll thank
you in heaven for beating the hell out of them. 23:13-14
God will have no mercy on the widows and children of hypocrites. 9:17
God will make every man kill his brother and then force him to eat "the flesh of his own arm."
9:19-20
If God can find you, he will "thrust you through," smash your children "to pieces" before your eyes, and rape your wife.
He will have no mercy, but will even kill your little children. 13:15-18
God will slaughter children "for the iniquity of their fathers." 14:21
The God of Peace will set brother against brother and kingdom against kingdom. Then he'll make the survivors seed the
counsel of "wizards," and subject them to a "cruel lord." 19:2-4
"For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee." 62:5
God tries to "correct" people by killing their children. 2:30
A divorced woman is "polluted" when she remarries. The man, of course, remains perfectly
clean through it all, even though he was the one who "put her away" in the first place.
3:1
"As a wife treacherously departeth from her husband ..." If a woman leaves her husband, she
is "treacherous," but a man is blameless when he "puts her away" for no
reason. 3:20
"I am full of the fury of the Lord; I am weary of holding it in." He's anxious
to "pour it out" on children, young men, husbands, wives, and old people.
6:11-12
God threatens to punish the men by taking away
all of their property, including their wives, and giving them to others. 6:12
God plans to kill pretty much everyone: fathers and sons,
family, friends, and neighbors. God plans to kill them all after laying a stumbling block before them.
6:21
"Therefore will I give their wives unto others." 8:10
Don't trust anyone. Not even your neighbors, family, or friends. Those who
believe differently than you are all liars and evil doers. 9:4-6
God will kill children and young men, and the dead bodies "shall fall as dung .... and none shall
gather them." 9:21-22
Jeremiah prays for the destruction of people and families that don't call on God's name.
10:25
"Therefore thus saith the LORD of hosts, Behold, I will punish them: the
young men shall die by the sword; their sons and their daughters shall die by famine."
11:22
God plans to make everyone in the kingdom drunk and then "dash the fathers and the sons together."
13:13-14
God will kill children and make widows as numerous as grains of sand. 15:7-8
God tells Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he's
going to kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all "shall die of grievous
deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried, but "shall
be as dung upon the face of the earth." For he has removed peace, "lovingkindness," and mercy
from the people. 16:1-7
Jeremiah asks God to kill the young men in war and the children by starvation.
18:21
God will make parents eat their own children and friends each other. 19:7-9
God will have Jeconiah's enemies kill him and his mother and then
ensure that he die without leaving any sons. 22:25-30
God will punish the children of Shemaiah for their father's false prophecy. 29:32
God will cause the fathers to eat their sons and the sons to eat their fathers. 5:10
God sends a "man clothed with linen" to mark the foreheads of the men who will
be saved. Apparently only men are considered good enough to keep, the others (unmarked men,
"maids", little children, and women) are to be slaughtered. God says he'll "fill
the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no one. 9:4-10
God gave the Israelites "statutes that
were not good and judgments whereby they should not live." He
"polluted" them so that he "might make them desolate" and
force them to kill and sacrifice their children "that they might
know" that he is the Lord. 20:25-26
Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and
bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was
discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the
surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off"
her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death.
23:1-49
"These discovered her nakedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword." 23:10
"They shall take thy sons and thy daughters;
and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire." 23:25
God kills Ezekiel's wife and then tells him not to mourn her. 24:15-18
King Darius, after trying to feed Daniel to the lions, orders those who accused Daniel (and
their wives and children) to be cast into the lion den. "And the lions ... brake all their
bones in pieces." 6:24
God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great
whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer.
1:2-3
God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks
them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or
he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3
God "will not have mercy upon ... the children of whoredoms. For their mother hath played the
harlot." 2:4-5
God tells Hosea to "love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress."
3:1
So Hosea buys a wife for 15 pieces of silver and one and a half homers of barley.
3:2
If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom" and your
wife "commit adultery." 4:13
God will induce miscarriages and kill the children of Ephraim. 9:11-12
"O Lord: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts."
9:14
"I will slay even the beloved fruit of their womb." 9:16
God will punish Israel by "dashing" together mothers and their children.
10:14
Because the Samaritans chose to worship another deity, God will dash their infants to pieces and
their "women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16
Jesus tells a man who had just lost his father: "Let the dead bury the dead." 8:21
Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come
true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents,
and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
Jesus says that he has come to destroy families by making family members hate each other. He has "come not to
send peace, but a sword." 10:34-36
Jesus warns us not to love our parents or children too much. We have to make sure that we always love him (who we
don't even know existed) more than our family. 10:37
When Jesus' mother and brothers want to see him, Jesus asks, "Who is my mother? Who are my
brothers?" So much for Jesus' family values. 12:47-49
Jesus is criticized by the Pharisees for not
washing his hands before eating. He defends himself by attacking them for not
killing disobedient children according to the commandment: "He that curseth
father or mother, let him die the death." (See Ex.21:15,
Lev.20:9, Dt.21:18-21)
So, does Jesus think that children who curse their parents should be killed? It
sure sounds like it. 15:4-7
In the parable of the unforgiving servant, the king threatens to enslave a man and his entire
family to pay for a debt. This practice, which was common at the time, seems not to have bothered Jesus very much.
18:25
Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 19:29
Jesus tells us to "call no man your
father upon the earth." Not even dear old dad? How can we "honor our father" if we
refuse to call him our father? 23:9
"Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days." Why? Does God especially hate
pregnant and nursing women? 24:19
Jesus compares the kingdom of heaven to ten virgins who went to meet their
bridegroom. 25:1
Jesus shows disrespect for his mother and family by asking, "Who is my mother, or my brethren?" when he is told
that his family wants to speak with him. 3:31-34
Jesus criticizes the Jews for not killing their disobedient children as required by Old Testament law.
7:9-10
Jesus will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29-30
In the last days God will make things especially rough on pregnant women. 13:17
When Jesus' parents begin the long trip back to Nazareth, the twelve year old Jesus stays behind, without
even asking for their permission. Mary and Joseph search for him for three days and when they finally find him, Jesus
doesn't apologize. Rather, he blames them for not knowing that he was doing his real father's business.
2:43-49
Peter and his partners (James and John) abandon their wives and children to follow Jesus. 5:11
Jesus, when told that his mother and brothers want to see him, ignores and insults them by saying that his
mother and brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it. 8:20-21
Jesus won't even let his followers bury their dead parents or say farewell to their families before abandoning
them. 9:59-62
Jesus prophesies that families will be divided because of him and his teachings. Sadly, this is one prophecy
that has been fulfilled. 12:52-53
Jesus says that his disciples must hate their families (mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives,
children) and themselves. 14:26
If you want to be a disciple of Jesus, you must abandon everything, including your family.
14:33
Abandon your wife and family for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward.
18:29-30
Jesus says that everyone in heaven is single. Does that mean that married people can't go there, that they must
get a divorce once they arrive, or what? 20:35
"Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks."
Families and friendships will be torn apart because of Jesus. 21:16
"A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have
several. 3:2
You should help a widow only if she 1) is over 60 years old, 2) had only one husband, 3) has raised
children, 4) has lodged strangers, 5) has "washed the saints feet," 6) has relieved the afflicted, and 7) has "diligently
followed very good work." Otherwise, let them starve. "But the younger widows refuse [to help]: for ... they will
marry; having damnation." Besides the young widows are always idle tattlers -- "busybodies, spreading things which
they ought not." He adds that "some are already turned aside after Satan." 5:9-15
James says Abraham was justified by works (for being willing to
kill his son for God); Paul (Rom.4:2-3) says he
was justified by faith (for believing that God would order him to do such an
evil act). 2:21
Peter orders all wives to be "in subjection" to their husbands. 3:1
Wives are to use "chaste conversation, coupled with fear." They are not to braid their hair, wear gold, or put on
any "apparel." They are to do these things in imitation of the "holy" women of the Old testament who were "in
subjection to their won husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord." 3:2-6
In relation to her husband, the wife is "the weaker vessel." 3:7
Biblical Family Values
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