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-Book of Ether
-The Brother of Jared

Absurdity in Ether

  1. And it came to pass

  2. Exceedingly

  3. Dwindling in unbelief

  4. Moroni translated the 24 plates that the people of Limri had found. And although he seems to remember some stuff about Adam, the tower of Babel, etc., he decided to leave that part out since you can read all about it in the Bible. 1:2-3

  5. A boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 1:6-32

  6. "Coriantor was the son of Moron."
    Yes, there really is a Moron in the Book of Mormon. 1:7

  7. The Jaredites were Israelites who lived at the time of the Tower of Babel. (Genesis 11:1-9) 1:33

  8. The brother of Jared was a large, mighty (but apparently nameless) man who was "highly favored of the Lord." He cried to the Lord (two times) and the Lord spared the Jaredites from having their language confounded. 1:34-37

  9. "I will go before thee into a land which is choice above all the lands of the earth."
    (God likes the New World a lot better than the Old.) 1:42

  10. "There shall be none greater than the nation which I will raise up unto me of thy seed, upon all the face of the earth." (America is the greatest country on earth.) 1:43

  11. "The Lord came down and talked with the brother of Jared; and he was in a cloud, and the brother of Jared saw him not." 2:4

  12. "The Lord did go before them, and did talk with them as he stood in a cloud, and gave directions whither they should travel." 2:5

  13. "A land ... choice above all other lands ... preserved for a righteous people"
    God likes America best. He made it for a righteous people (the Mormons), and America will face God's wrath if it fails to please him (and them). 2:7-10, 15

  14. "The Lord came again unto the brother of Jared, and stood in a cloud and talked with him. And for the space of three hours did the Lord talk with the brother of Jared." 2:14

  15. Under God's instructions, the Jaredites build small, light barges to travel to the New World. 2:16

  16. "They were exceedingly tight, even that they would hold water like unto a dish; and the bottom thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the sides thereof were tight like unto a dish ... and the top thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the length thereof was the length of a tree; and the door thereof, when it was shut, was tight like unto a dish."
    (It was as tall as a tree and as tight as a dish.) 2:17

  17. "And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared: Behold, thou shalt make a hole in the top, and also in the bottom; and when thou shalt suffer for air thou shalt unstop the hole and receive air. And if it be so that the water come in upon thee, behold, ye shall stop the hole, that ye may not perish in the flood." 2:20

  18. "Ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea." The Jaredites are plunged into "the depths of the sea", but they survive using a magic light that Jesus gives them. 2:24-25

  19. The brother of Jared made 16 small stones, as clear as glass, out of molten rock. He then asked God to touch the stones to make them into lights to light up the inside of the barges. God did as the brother of Jared requested. 3:1-6

  20. "The brother of Jared ... saw the finger of the Lord; and it was as the finger of a man." 3:6

  21. "I [Jared] saw the finger of the Lord, and I feared lest he should smite me; for I knew not that the Lord had flesh and blood." 3:8

  22. "Because of thy faith thou hast seen ... Sawest thou more than this?"
    God let Jared see his finger. But God isn't sure what else he might have seen, so he asked, "You didn't see anything else, did you?" 3:9

  23. "Behold, the Lord showed himself unto him [the brother of Jared]." 3:13

  24. "Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son."
    Jesus is both the Father and the Son! 3:14

  25. "Never have I showed myself unto man whom I have created, for never has man believed in me as thou hast." 3:15

  26. "Behold, this body, which ye now behold, is the body of my spirit."
    Shucks! The body of God that the brother of Jared saw was just God's spirit body, not his real body. 3:16

  27. "He [the brother of Jared] saw the finger of Jesus ... and he had faith no longer, for he knew, nothing doubting." 3:19

  28. "Ye shall write them in a language that they cannot be read."
    God tells the brother of Jared to write his scriptures in a language that no one can read. (Good idea!) 3:22

  29. "These stones shall magnify to the eyes of men these things which ye shall write."
    God gives the brother of Jared two magic stones that will "magnify the eyes of men" so that they can read what Jared writes. 3:23-24

  30. Jesus shows the brother of Jared every human that has lived or ever will live. 3:25

  31. "And he commanded me that I should seal them up; and he also hath commanded that I should seal up the interpretation thereof; wherefore I have sealed up the interpreters, according to the commandment of the Lord." (Moroni sealed up the interpreters.) 4:5

  32. Everything good comes from Jesus. 4:12

  33. "For behold, I am the Father."
    Jesus is both the Father and the Son.
    (He is his own dad.) 4:12

  34. Those who disbelieve in the Book of Mormon are in an "awful state of wickedness." 4:15

  35. "In the mouth of three witnesses shall these things be established."
    Who were the three witnesses? The three men that I admire most, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost? (Didn't they take the last train to the coast?) 5:3-4

  36. God's magic stones were put into the barges, "and behold, they did give light unto the vessels." 6:2-3

  37. "I am fair, and I will dance before him, and I will please him.... I will give her if ye will bring unto me the head of my father the king."
    Gosh, I wonder where this came from? (Matthew 14:6-11) 8:10-12

  38. Avoid all those secret, abominable, murderous, wicked oaths and combinations passed down since the time of Cain. If you don't, God will have to kill you. 8:15-24

  39. More "secret combinations" 9:1

  40. "The Lord warned Omer in a dream." 9:3

  41. "The Lord did pour out his blessings upon this land, which was choice above all other lands." 9:20

  42. "Coriantum took to wife, in his old age, a young maid, and begat sons and daughters; wherefore he lived until he was an hundred and forty and two years old." 9:24

  43. "There came forth poisonous serpents also upon the face of the land, and did poison many people." 9:31

  44. "Lib also did that which was good in the sight of the Lord. And ... the poisonous serpents were destroyed." 10:19

  45. "A land that was choice above all lands, for the Lord had spoken it." 10:28

  46. To punish the people for "their wicked combinations," God sent wars, famines, and pestilences. The resulting destruction was the greatest ever seen on the face of the earth -- greater than the flood of Noah, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, or World War II. Yet there is no evidence for any of this today. 11:7

  47. Moron did that which was wicked before the Lord." 11:14

  48. "They did reject all the words of the prophets, because of their secret society." 11:22

  49. "And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things..."
    Don't you just love the way people talk in the Book of Mormon? 12:6

  50. "When God put forth his finger he could not hide it from the sight of the brother of Jared." 12:20

  51. "The Gentiles will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing." 12:23-25

  52. The brother of Jared said unto the mountain Zerin, Remove -- and it was removed." 12:30

  53. "The brother of Shared ... received great strength to his army because of secret combinations." 14:8

  54. "One of the secret combinations murdered him in a secret pass." 14:10

  55. "And the scent thereof went forth upon the face of the land, even upon all the face of the land; wherefore the people became troubled by day and by night, because of the scent thereof."
    (It stank!) 14:23

  56. "There had been slain two millions of mighty men, and also their wives and their children." Millions of people were "slain by the sword", yet no swords have ever been found from pre-Columbian America. 15:2

  57. Millions of Jaredites kill each other in battle, leaving only their two leaders alive: Coriantumr and Shiz. Coriantur cuts of the head of Shiz (with his non-existent sword, of course) and then dies. Don't you just love a happy ending? 15:30-32