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Drunk With Blood:
God's killings in the Bible

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Absurdity in the Book of Mormon

  1. And it came to pass ...

  2. Excessive use of Exceedingly

  3. Dwindling in Unbelief

    1 Nephi

  4. "I, Nephi ... born of goodly parents ... highly favored of the Lord ... having ... a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God"
    The first book of the Book of Mormon is the First Book of Nephi. The author is a guy named Nephi who thinks quite a lot of himself. He had "goodly parents" was "highly favored of the Lord" and had "a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God."

  5. "I make a record in the language of my father ... the language of the Egyptians." That's a strange language an Israelite around 600 BCE to write in! 1:2

  6. "I know that the record which I make is true."
    The book of 1 Nephi is true because Nephi says it is. And if you can't believe a pompous, Egyptian-speaking Hebrew that supposedly lived 2600 years ago, whom can you believe? 1:3

  7. "There came a pillar of fire and dwelt upon a rock."
    Lehi prayed and pillar of fire appeared out of nowhere on a rock. 1:6

  8. After Lehi saw the burning pillar on a rock, he "he thought he saw" God, lots of angels, Jesus, and the 12 apostles -- which is a strange sight for a Jew that lived 600 years before Jesus was born. 1:8-10

  9. God, Jesus, the apostles, and the host of angels came down from heaven to earth and God gave Lehi a book to read. 1:11

  10. "He read, saying: Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations! ... Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty!"
    Lehi read from the book that God gave him while he quoted from Revelation -- which wasn't written for another 700 years or so. 1:13-14

  11. "I make an abridgment of the record of my father, upon plates which I have made with mine own hands."
    Nephi's (thankfully) going to just give us the abridged version of his father's babblings, which was probably a good idea since he was writing this stuff down on brass plates. 1:17

  12. God speaks to Lehi in a dream and tells him to leave Jerusalem and go "into the wilderness." 2:1-2

  13. So, with no further instructions, he and his family go into the wild. 2:4

  14. Apparently the 400+ km hike from Jerusalem to the Red Sea took only three days. 2:5-6

  15. Lehi named the valley after his other worthless son, Lemuel, hoping it would make him more steadfast and immovable. 2:10

  16. "Nephi wanted to know the mysteries of God, so he cried unto the Lord. And the Lord softened his heart (and his brain) so he could believe the shit his dad said. 2:16

  17. And the dumb-as-shit Sam went along with whatever Nephi said. 2:17

  18. But Laman and Lemuel wouldn't listen to Nephi because they suffered from Pharaoh's syndrome: the hardening of the heart. 2:18

  19. God told Nephi that he would lead him to a new land, a land that God had prepared just for him (and the Mormons) that was better than everywhere else on earth. (God made the New World just for Nephi and his family. For though it had been occupied by the Native Americans for 15,000 years or so, God made it for Nephi, not for them.) 2:19-220

  20. "I, Nephi, returned from speaking with the Lord." 3:1

  21. God commands Lehi in a dream to send his sons back to Jerusalem (800+ km roundtrip) to get Lehi's genealogy that is written on brass plates. 3:2-4

  22. So the four brothers went back to Jerusalem. Now they just needed to decide how to get the brass plates back from Laban. Luckily, they had all read the Bible so they knew the proper way of deciding such things. They cast lots. 3:10-11a

  23. The lot fell upon Laman, so he went in to talk to Laban about the plates. But Laban refused to give him the plates, accused him of trying to rob him, and threatened to kill him. 3:11b-13

  24. After that, Laman, Lemuel, and Sam wanted to give up on the plates and return "to the wilderness." 3:14

  25. But Nephi talked them out of it in a long, boring speech. 3:15-21

  26. So Nephi and his brothers go get their father's gold, silver, and precious things (that were left behind on their wilderness trip), brought them to Laban, and offered to trade it all for the plates. 3:22-24

  27. Laban wanted their gold and whatnot but he also wanted to keep the plates. (He was into genealogy, too.) So he decided to kill them and take their stuff. 3:25

  28. Nephi and his brothers escaped to the wilderness and hid in "the cavity of a rock." 3:26-27

  29. Laman and Lemuel had had enough. They started to beat Nephi and Sam with a rod. 3:28

  30. Then an angel showed up and told them to stop beating Nephi. 3:29

  31. But Laman and Lemuel weren't convinced by the angel. 3:31

  32. sine the angel didn't impress Laman and Lemeul, Nephi had to make another long, boring, BoM-type speech. 4:1-3

  33. After the speech, Laman and Lemuel decided to follow Nephi back to Jerusalem, though they "did still continue to murmur." 4:4

  34. When they got to Jerusalem, Nephi's brothers waited outside the gates while Nephi was led by the Lord to Laban's house. 4:6

  35. The Lord lead Nephi to a drunk guy passed out on the ground -- who turned out to be Laban! 4:7-8

  36. The Spirit of the Lord "constrained" Nephi to murder Laban as he lay passed out on the ground. 4:10

  37. But the Spirit had to tell Nephi again. 4:11

  38. And a third time, reminding Nephi that God kills people too (so it must be OK) and besides, it's better that one person die than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief. 4:12-13

  39. So Nephi (finally) obeys the Spirit by grabbing Laban by the hair and chopping off his head with his own sword. 4:18

  40. After Nephi smote off his head, he put on Laban's clothes (while the blood gushed from the carotid artery) and "gird on his armor about [his] loins." (Laban always wore armor on his loins when he went out partying.)4:19

  41. Dressed in Laban's blood-drenched clothes and loin armor, he went to the treasury of Laban and commanded (with the voice of Laban) Laban's servant to follow him. 4:20

  42. And it worked perfectly. Nephi looked and sounded just like Laban, so it completely fooled Laban's servant. 4:21

  43. Nephi chatted with Laban's servant for a while about all the usual things -- the wild party last night, gossip about the elders of the "church" (the Jews had churches back then), etc. Then Nephi told him to take the brass plates to his brothers who were waiting outside the city gates. 4:22-27

  44. When Nephi's brothers saw Nephi and Laban's servant coming, they were "exceedingly frightened" since they thought Nephi was Laban, too! (It was an exceedingly good disguise.) 4:26

  45. "When Laman saw me he was exceedingly frightened, and also Lemuel and Sam. And they fled from before my presence; for they supposed it was Laban."It must have been an exceedingly good costume! Even Nephi's brothers thought he was Laban (because he was wearing Laban's clothes). 4:28

  46. But then they heard his voice (he wasn't using the voice of Laban anymore) and they knew it was Nephi "wherefore they did cease to flee from [his] presence." 4:29

  47. After brothers settled down, Nephi talked Laban's servant (Zoram) into joining up with them, and they packed up the brass plates and returned (400+ kilometers) to Lehi's tent. 4:38

  48. Nephi and his brothers, along with Laban's servant Zoram, return to the wilderness from Jerusalem. The 400+ kilometer trip must have been routine by now, since Nephi says nothing at all about it. His parents, though, were filled with joy, exceedingly glad even, to see them.5:1

  49. After the boys got back, the parents just couldn't stop talking about it. After this manner of language did they speak. 5:3, 6, 8

  50. After they were done speaking in that manner of language, Lehi took a look at the brass plates. They had all kinds of cool stuff written on them: the five books of Moses, the history of the Jews, and the prophecies of Jeremiah. 5:10-13

  51. The plates had Lehi's genealogy, which showed that Lehi was a descendant of Joseph. (Joseph is a really important name in the Book of Mormon. I'm not sure why.) 5:14

  52. When Lehi found out that he was a descendant of Joseph, he was filled up with the Spirit and started to prophesy about his seed, saying the plates would never perish or dim with time. (No one has seen them since.) 5:17-19

  53. "And he prophesied many things concerning his seed." 5:19

  54. Nephi is not going to say anything about the plates that he murdered Laban for, except that he and his family are descendants of Joseph. 6:1-2

  55. Nephi is trying to use as few words as possible, since he is writing on metal plates. So it mattereth not to him that he give a full account of all the things, etc., etc. 6:3

  56. So he's not going to write pleasing things; he's going to give commandment unto his seed. 6:5-6

  57. God tells Lehi to send his sons back to Jerusalem to get some women. 7:1-2

  58. So Lehi's sons went back to Jerusalem one more time. 7:3

  59. It was just another quick, uneventful, 400+ km trip. After they arrived, the Lord softened up Ishmael's heart enough so that he agreed to leave Jerusalem with his family and go into the wilderness so that Lehi's sons could have sex with his daughters. 7:4-5

  60. But then deja vu came to pass all over again. Laman and Lemuel revolted, along with two of Ishmael's daughters and two of his sons. 7:6

  61. And then Nephi gave a speech that no one should ever have to read or listen to. 7:8-15

  62. After listening to Nephi's awful speech, Nephi's brothers were exceedingly wroth. So they tied him up and left him for the animals to eat. 7:16

  63. But then Nephi prayed unto the Lord. (His prayers are worse than his speeches.) And, just like magic, the cords were untied. 7:17-18

  64. Nephi's brothers tried to lay hands on him again but he was saved by a daughter, mother, and brother of Ishmael, who softened the hearts of Nephi's younger brothers. 7:19

  65. Then Nephi's brothers bowed down and begged Nephi to forgive them. 7:20

  66. And it came to pass that Nephi forgave his brothers and they returned to their father's tent in the wilderness, where they killed and sacrificed some animals for God and began to get to know the daughters of Ishmael. 7:21-22

  67. Lehii's Dream
    Lehi dreams about a tree with white, sweet-tasting fruit. He wants his family to eat the fruit. Nephi, Sam, and Sariah do; Laman and Lemuel don't. An iron rod leads people to the tree, but some are ashamed to eat its fruit after being taunted by well-dressed people in a building that floats in the sky. Those who don't eat the fruit or who leave after eating it are lost, drowned, or destroyed.
    (Lehi's dream was nearly identical to Joseph Smith, Sr.'s dream 2400 years later, before Joseph Smith, Jr. "translated" the Book of Mormon.) 8:2-38

  68. Lehi thinks his dream assures the salvation of Nephi, Sam, and "their seed" and the damnation of Laman and Lemuel. (Because the former ate the magic fruit and the latter didn't.) 8:3-4

  69. Lehi dreamed about tree with fruit that could make you happy if you ate it (or smoked it?). 8:10

  70. Lehi partook of the fruit thereof, and it was the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted, and was whiter than anything he'd ever seen before. (Being white is the best thing a thing can be in the Book of Mormon.) 8:11

  71. And it made him exceedingly happy, happier than he'd ever been before. He was so darned happy he could hardly stand it. So he wanted his family to eat from the happy tree, too. 8:12

  72. So Lehi cast his eyes round about until he discovered his family. 8:13

  73. Lehi told his family to eat the happy fruit, and the good members of his family (Nephi, Sariah, and Sam) ate it. 8:14-16

  74. After the good guys ate the good fruit, Lehi cast his eyes about again until he saw Laman and Lemuel. He told them to eat the fruit, but they wouldn't do it (because they were bad). 8:17-18

  75. Lehi saw an iron rod along the side of the river that people clung to as they traveled towards the happy tree. 8:19

  76. In the background there was a mist of darkness that lots of people got lost in. 8:23

  77. But some managed to find the happy-fruit tree by hanging on to the rod of iron. 8:24

  78. But after partaking of the happy fruit, the people cast their eyes about like they were ashamed or something. 8:25

  79. Then Lehi cast his eyes about again and saw a big building floating in the air. 8:26

  80. The building was filled with people that were looking down and pointing and laughing at the people eating the happy fruit. 8:27

  81. Then the people who were ashamed after eating the happy fruit crawled off into the darkness and got lost. 8:28

  82. Some of the ashamed fruit-eaters made it to the big sky building, but others drowned. 8:31-32

  83. Those that made it into the big building in the sky began pointing the finger of scorn at the happy fruit eaters below. 8:33

  84. Nephi left out a lot of shit his dad said in the valley of Lemuel. He just didn't have room for it on his plates. 9:1

  85. "The plates ... I have given the name of Nephi; wherefore, they are called the plates of Nephi, after mine own name; and these plates also are called the plates of Nephi." Okay, I guess we'll call them the plates of Nephi. 9:2

  86. God told Nephi to make two sets of plates: one for "for the more part of the ministry" and the other set " for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions." 9:4

  87. "The Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not." 9:5

  88. "And thus is is, Amen." 9:6

  89. "I, Nephi, proceed to give an account ... of my proceedings ... wherefore, to proceed with mine account, I must speak somewhat...." 10:1

  90. Jesus said that John the Baptist was the greatest prophet, but Lehi proves him wrong by prophesying the details of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection 600 years before he was born. Lehi even knew the Elizabethan English words that the King James Version would ascribe to John the Baptist 2200 years before that translation existed! 10:3-11

  91. A spirit takes Nephi up to the top of an exceedingly high mountain and shows him all the shit his dad saw: Jesus, Mary, John the Baptist, the twelve apostles, Lehi's magic tree and iron rod, the large and spacious building, angels, devils, the condescension of God, and the wisdom of the world. 11:1-36

  92. The first thing that comes to pass is that Nephi ponders his dad's imaginary tree, gets caught up in the spirit of the Lord, and is transported to an exceedingly high mountain. 11:1

  93. And then he has a conversation with his new-found spirit friend. The spirit asked him what he wanted. 11:2

  94. Nephi said he'd like to see some of the shit his dad saw. 11:3

  95. The spirit asked Nephi if he believed that his dad saw the tree? 11:4

  96. Nephi said that he believed all the crazy shit his dad said. 11:5

  97. When the spirit heard Nephi's words, it started screaming. 11:6-7

  98. The spirit shouted that because Nephi believes in his dad's cool tree, Jesus would come down from heaven to visit him. (Jesus believes in Lehi's tree, too.) 11:7

  99. And then it came to pass that the spirit showed Nephi his dad's magic fruit tree. It was exceedingly white, too. It was like the whitest thing he'd ever seen. 11:8

  100. Nephi sees an exceedingly white virgin. (Being white is exceedingly good in the Book of Mormon.) But how the hell would Nephi know that the exceedingly white woman was a virgin? I guess Nephi could spot a virgin from 400 kilometers away. 11:13

  101. After the spirit showed Nephi the exceedingly white tree and virgin, it blathered on a bit about "the condescension of God" and whatnot. Then it told Nephi that the white virgin "is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh." (Does this mean that God the Father had sex with Mary "after the manner of the flesh?") 11:18

  102. Then the spirit (or its angel sidekick) showed Nephi all the shit his dad saw and more. Jesus, Mary, John the Baptist, the twelve apostles, the crucifixion, a bunch of angels, Lehi's magic tree, fountain of living waters, iron rod, the large and spacious building, angels, devils, the condescension of God, the lamb of God, the Holy Ghost, devils, unclean spirits, the wisdom of the world -- the works. 11:19-35

  103. In this chapter, the angel shows Nephi his seed. He'll have tons of seed, as many as the sand of the sea. 12:1

  104. Nephi's seed will live in many cities, more cities than can be counted. 12:3

  105. But bad times are coming. Mountains will disintegrate and cities sink and burn. 12:4

  106. Then the heavens will open up and Jesus, the Holy Ghost, and the apostles (with their robes made white from being washed in Jesus' blood) will come down to minster to Nephi's seed. 12:6-10

  107. But Nephi's seed will fight his brethren's seed. And it will be awful to look at. Seed fighting seed everywhere. I doubt if there has been so much contending seed in a single paragraph since time began. 12:19-20

  108. Finally, the chapter comes to a thrilling conclusion with the angel showing Nephi what will happen to the seed of his brethren that dwindle in unbelief: they will become a dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people. (Which, according to the BoM, is the origin of the Native Americans.) 12:22-23

  109. Nephi sees the "great and abominable church" and its founder, the devil. 13:6

  110. The angel shows Nephi a Google Earth view of the Atlantic Ocean (the "many waters") that divides the old and new worlds. 13:10

  111. The angel shows Nephi Christopher Columbus crossing the "many waters" in 1492 to visit the native Americans. 13:12

  112. These "other Gentiles" were the Pilgrims arriving at Plymouth Rock in 1620. 13:13

  113. The Nephites were "white and exceedingly fair." 13:15

  114. "The Gentiles ... did humble themselves before the Lord; and the power of the Lord was with them." 13:16

  115. The "mother Gentiles" are the English and the "battle" is the Revolutionary War. 13:17

  116. God helped the American colonists win the Revolutionary War. 13:18

  117. God helped the Americans win all their other wars too. (Except maybe the Vietnam war.) 13:19

  118. The angel shows Nephi a book that "procedeth out of the mouth of a Jew" (the Bible, which was a lot like the brass plates). The good American white people that God liked so much carried this book around with them. 13:20-24

  119. Good news for "gentiles" in "the promised land." ("Gentiles" are non-Mormons and "the promised land" is the United States in Mormon-speak). All you have to do is become a Mormon and then you will be blessed by God (otherwise you're going to hell). 14:1-2

  120. The Catholic church was founded by the devil to lead souls to hell. 14:3

  121. f you're a gentile, you've only got two choices: become a Mormon or fall into the Catholic pit that leads to hell. 14:5-6

  122. The angel tells Nephi that the lamb of God (Jesus) says that the time will come (2423 years later) when a 17 year old treasure digger from New York (Joseph Smith) will find some golden plates and translate them by staring into his hat at some magic rocks and thereby produce the "great and marvelous work" that we now know as the Book of Mormon. This book is, according to the angel, the best and most important book by far that you, me, or anyone else will ever read. And we'll be tortured forever after we die unless we believe it. 14:7

  123. There are only two churches: the church of the Lamb of God, and the church of the devil. You either belong to the good church or the bad church (the mother of abominations, the whore of all the earth, whose founder is the devil). 14:10

  124. The angel showed Nephi the Mormon church (the church of the Lamb of God). There weren't many Mormons, though, because of that fucking whore that sat on many waters (the Catholic Church). 14:12

  125. God hated pretty much everyone on earth (they were all just a bunch of Catholics to him) until the Mormons showed up. 14:15-17

  126. The angel told Nephi to look over there. You see that guy in the white robe? That's the apostle John who will write the Book of Revelation about 700 years from now. (Which doesn't make a lot of sense since the apostle John didn't write Revelation, but oh well.) 14:18-22, 27

  127. The white-robed guy will write things that are just and true just like everything else that is written in "the book that proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew." ("The book that prceeded out of the mouth of the Jew" is BoM-speak for the Bible.) 14:23

  128. That's all Nephi is going to say about that. The angel won't let him say any more. So don't ask. But the angel showed Nephi lots of other cool stuff that he can't tell you about right now. 14:28

  129. Finally the angel stopped talking and Nephi quit writing down the things that he saw while he got all carried away. But it's all true. And thus it is. Amen. 10-4 good buddy. Over and out. 14:29

  130. Remember back in chapter 8 when Lehi had a dream about a tree? Yeah, well, it's back again. And this time it's causing trouble for Nephi's brothers. You see, they just couldn't figure it all out. What was it, anyway? And who cares? A crazy old man dreams about a tree and they're supposed to believe it has some cosmic significance, some deep spiritual meaning? Well, yes they are. This is the Book of Mormon after all. 15:1-7

  131. Of course the main problem with Nephi's brothers was that they didn't inquire of the Lord enough. It's nearly impossible to believe complete and obvious bullshit without God's help. 15:8-9

  132. Another reason they didn't believe the stuff about the tree is that they were such evil bastards. They didn't follow the commandments and their hearts were way too hard. 15:10-11

  133. So Nephi explained it all to them again. The grafting of the branches thing is all about Joseph Smith who will (2423 years later) find and translate the golden plates and thereby produce the Book of Mormon that will bring "the fulness of the gospel" to the Gentiles. (And if that isn't perfectly obvious to you, you are an evil bastard that hasn't inquired of the Lord.) 15:13

  134. Nephi says that someday the Native Americans (who centuries later will become a dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people for dwindling in unbelief) will all become Mormons and be saved. (I suppose God will then make them fair , white, and delightsome like good Mormons are today.) 15:14

  135. Nephi goes on to explain the tree, iron rod, and river to his hard-hearted evil brothers. 15:20

  136. There's an "awful gulf" that separates the wicked from the saints. 15:28

  137. If your works are filthy, then you are filthy. And if you're filthy, you can't go to heaven because you'd make God's kingdom filthy. 15:33

  138. But, you see, the kingdom of God isn't filthy, so God had to make a filthy place to put filthy people after they die. 15:34

  139. And thus it is and so on and so forth. Amen. 15:36

  140. Nephi, his brothers, and Zoram (Laban's servant) all got married to Ishmael's nameless daughters. It was a group wedding with Lehi serving as the Reverend Moon, saying stuff like, "Do you [Nephi, Laman, Lemuel, Sam, Zoram] take what's her name here to be your lawfully wedded wife?" 16:7

  141. After getting that all taken care of, God showed Lehi something really interesting. A magic brass ball of curious workmanship that was designed and made by God himself! God's magic ball had two spindles on it, one pointing the way to go and the other pointing in some other direction. 16:10

  142. So now that they had their magic ball, they packed up camp, gathered seeds of every kind, crossed the River Laman, and took off in whatever direction God's brass ball pointed. After traveling for four days in a SSE direction, they set up camp at a place they called Shazer. (Notice how Joseph Smith Nephi gives names to pretty much every place they pass by, but didn't bother to tell us the name of his wife.) 16:11-13

  143. They followed God's magic ball around for "the space of many days" in "the more fertile parts of the wilderness," killing stuff for food with their bows and arrows and slings. 16:15-16

  144. And then it came to pass that Nephi broke his steel bow. Of course steel didn't exist at the time, wouldn't work well for a bow anyway, and would be hard to break. But, oh well. This is the Book of Mormon. 16:18

  145. Apparently none of the other bows worked either, because after Nephi broke his no one else could kill a thing. 16:19

  146. So everyone "began to murmur exceedingly." Heck even Nephi's dad, Lehi, "began to murmur against the Lord." 16:20

  147. So Nephi made another bow and arrow out of wood and a straight stick. But Nephi didn't know where to hunt with his new bow. So he asked his dad (when he had stopped murmuring). 16:23

  148. Lehi inquired of the Lord (Hey God. Where should Nephi go to kill some animals?) Then voice of the Lord came to Lehi telling him to look on the magic ball where he'd find a text message from God. 16:25-26

  149. And it came to pass that when they saw the text message from God they did fear and tremble exceedingly. 16:27

  150. Now the magic brass ball didn't work like a magic 8 ball. Magic 8 balls work all of the time for everyone, whereas the brass ball only works if you believe it will work. And, of course, Nephi believed anything and everything, the crazier the better. So the pointers pointed in just the right directions if you believed that they pointed in just the right directions. (That's the way dousing works too.) 16:28

  151. But the coolest thing of all was the text messages. They "changed from time to time" according to the faith of the person reading the message. 16:29

  152. The message on the brass ball told Nephi to go to the top of the mountain. 16:30

  153. So Nephi went to the mountain top to kill wild beasts. 16:31

  154. After eating the wild beasts, they traveled for the space of many days. 16:33

  155. Then Ishmael dies, his daughters mourn exceedingly, and Nephi's brothers and Ishmael's sons decide to kill Nephi and Lehi. 16:34-37

  156. But then the voice of God stopped by to talk for a while. He gave them some food so they decided not to kill Nephi and Lehi. 16:39

  157. A round brass ball "of curious workmanship" leads Lehi through the wilderness. A compass, perhaps? But compasses didn't exist in 600 BCE 16:10, 16

  158. Nephi breaks his bow, "which was made of fine steel." But the technology for making steel did not exist in 600 BCE. 16:18

  159. God told Lehi to look at the brass ball and read the words written upon it. And when he read the words "he did fear and tremble exceedingly." 16:26

  160. The pointers on the ball work according to the faith of its user. 16:28

  161. And the words written on the ball change according to the faith of its user. 16:29

  162. So Nephi found his way to the top of the mountain by following the instructions that were written on the ball. 16:30

  163. In the last chapter, God gave Nephi a magic ball that pointed in the direction that God wanted him to go and even told Nephi where to kill wild beasts. All this happened within in single year: 600 BCE. Now it was time for some serious traveling. 17:1a

  164. They waded through much affliction and their nameless women bore children in the wilderness. 17:1b

  165. God fed them raw meat, their women gave plenty of suck, and the children grew up quickly, becoming as strong as men during the eight year journey. 17:2-4

  166. After eight years of wading through affliction, eating raw meat, and getting plenty of suck, they arrived at a land they called Bountiful (because of its much fruit and also wild honey). And they saw the sea which they called Irreantum, which, being interpreted, means nothing at all. 17:5

  167. Then it came to pass after a space of many days that he, Nephi, heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Arise, get thee into the mountain." So Nephi got into the mountain and cried unto the Lord. 17:7

  168. While Nephi was crying on the mountain top, God told him to build a ship. 17:8

  169. Nephi asked God where he would find the ore to make the metal to make the tools to make the ship. 17:9

  170. But it was no big deal. God showed Nephi where to find the ore to make the tools. 17:10

  171. Nephi made a bellows from the skin of beasts so he could blow on a fire, which he made by striking two stones together. 17:11

  172. Up to this time, you see, Nephi et al had no fire as they journeyed through the wilderness. They ate raw meat, which God sweetened for them. 17:12

  173. So Nephi was pretty much all set. God showed Nephi where to mine the ore, from which he made ship-building tools using his trusty beast-skin bellows and striking stones. 17:16

  174. But when Nephi's brothers saw what he was doing they began to murmur against him. 17:17

  175. Whereupon Nephi began a long, boring 1000-word sermon. 17:19-47

  176. Among many other things, Nephi told his brothers that God straitens murmurers by sending fiery flying serpents to bite and kill them. (See Numbers 21:6) 17:41

  177. Then Nephi reminded them about stuff they'd already seen on the trip: talking angels from time to time that sometimes whispered and sometimes screamed so loudly that the earth shook. 17:45

  178. But Nephi's brothers were tired of Nephi and his screaming angels. So they tried to throw him into the sea. It didn't work, though, because Nephi he was filled with the power of God even to the consuming of his flesh and whoever touched him would wither like a dried reed. 17:48

  179. Nephi kept talking on and on about many things to his brothers. Finally Nephi's brothers gave up and durst not touch Nephi with their fingers for the space of many days. 17:52

  180. Still, God wasn't completely satisfied. He decided not to wither Nephi's brothers like dried reeds, but to shock the hell out of them instead. Just to show off a bit. 17:53

  181. And it came to pass that Nephi stretched forth his hand to his brethren and they didn't wither, but the Lord did shake them, just like he said that he would. 17:54

  182. And that did the trick. After God shocked Nephi's brothers they knew of a surety that God was with Nephi. They even wanted to worship Nephi, but Nephi told them not to, saying, "Oh My Heck, you guys, I'm just your younger brother." 17:55

  183. Lehi and company didn't have to cook their food because God made it taste good raw. 17:12

  184. God "sent fiery flying serpents" to bite people. 17:41

  185. God shows Nephi how to work timbers of curious workmanship. 18:1

  186. Nephi explains (several times in the same verse) that he didn't work the timbers after the manner of men, but in the manner that God showed him. 18:2

  187. The ship took less than two verses to build, but by all accounts it turned out exceedingly fine. 18:4

  188. When it was finished, they gathered up their stuff and boarded their unnamed ship, every one according to his age. 18:5-6

  189. After they all got on board, they sailed off toward the promised land (America in BoM-speak). 18:8

  190. And then, after the space of many days, there was mutiny on the nameless ship. (Nephi didn't keep much of a log. Everything happens "after a space of many days.") Nephi's brothers, Ishmael's sons, and all their wives began to merrily dance, sing, and speak with exceeding rudeness. 18:9

  191. So he, Nephi, began to fear exceedingly that God would smite them for dancing, singing, and carrying on like that. So he spoke to them with much soberness. But they all said unto him in unison, "Fuck off, little brother." 18:10

  192. Finally, Laman and Lemuel got so sick of Nephi's pompous ass that they tied him up again (See 1 Nephi 7:16). 18:11

  193. hen the magic compass stopped working. 18:12

  194. So they didn't know which way to steer. And then a great and terrible tempest came up for the space of three days. Everyone was exceedingly frightened. Still, they didn't untie Nephi. 18:13

  195. The tempest became exceedingly sore on the fourth day. 18:14

  196. And just when they were about to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea, they untied Nephi, whose wrists and ankles had swollen exceedingly and great was the soreness thereof. 18:15

  197. Still, Nephi didn't murmur against the Lord but praised him all day long. 18:16

  198. Nephi's dad said many things to the mutineers, but they ignored him. The rude behavior of their children sickened Lehi and his wife Sariah. (They were "stricken in years" and about to die even though they just had a couple of baby boys a few verses ago. See 1 Nephi 18:7) 18:17-18

  199. Poor little Jacob and Joseph were in need of much nourishment (Was Sariah still breastfeeding them?) and Nephi's nameless wife cried and prayed, along with Nephi's nameless children. 18:19

  200. Finally they untied Nephi. The magic compass magically started working again and there was a great calm. 18:21

  201. I guess the calm didn't last forever, though, because the ship began to sail again toward the promised land. 18:22

  202. And after the space of many days, they arrived in the promised land. (And they did call it the promised land.) 18:23

  203. After arriving, they began to plant the seeds that they brought with them. 18:24

  204. Nephi found cows, horses, oxen, and asses when he arrived in the New World in 590 BCE. (None of these domesticated animals existed in North America before the Europeans brought them over 2000 years later.) 18:25a

  205. And they found lots of gold, silver, and copper. 18:25b

  206. God tells Nephi to make another set of brass plates. (This is his third set, I think -- not counting Lehi's.) I guess you just can't have too many plates. 19:1

  207. On his third set of plates, Nephi only included the "more plain and precious parts," leaving out any unnecessary words, as you'd expect from someone engraving on plates of ore. 19:2-5

  208. Nephi didn't write anything on the plates unless it was sacred. 19:6a

  209. Nephi says that whatever he wrote on the plates was sacred. But he admits that he might make some mistakes, just like they (the guys who wrote the bible) did. Not that he's making any excuses, of course. 19:6b

  210. Jesus will be born 600 years after Lehi and his family left Jerusalem (and 592 years after Nephi wrote the prophecy down in his little brass book.) 19:8

  211. Since these prophesies about Christ are not found in Old Testament, Joseph Smith makes a few prophets up: Zeonock, Neum, and Zenos. These three prophets knew all about Jesus. He'd be crucified, buried in a sepulchre, and after his death, there'd be three days of darkness. Three days of darkness? Yeah, that's what Zenos prophesied. The entire earth would be completely dark for three days after Jesus' death (See 3 Nephi 8:20-22 and Helaman 14:27 for the exciting details), as a sign to Lehi's descendants in "the isles of the sea" (the Lamanites in America and Polynesia). Of course that's not what the Bible says. Matthew, Mark, and Luke say it was dark for three hours just before Jesus died. (It's one of the few things those three guys agree on.) But that's because the evil Catholics changed the plain and precious parts of the Bible. 19:10

  212. Zenos prophesied further that mountains would be carried away after Jesus died, along with lots of other nutty stuff. (See 3 Nephi 8 where cities sunk, mountains were moved and dumped upon cities, etc.) 19:11-12

  213. And finally, Nephi says he's going to swipe a couple of chapters from the book of Isaiah as a bit of filler for his plates of brass. 19:22-23

    Joseph Smith Nephi loved the phrase "and it came to pass." So why did he remove it from Isaiah 48:3? 20:3

  214. And kings shall be thy nursing fathers. 21:23

  215. How could Nephi, supposedly writing this around 590 BCE, quote words from the book of Malachi, which was not yet written? 22:15

  216. Notice that this verse (which was supposed to have been written around 600 BCE) quotes Peter's paraphrase of Deuteronomy 18:15, 18-19, rather than the Old Testament verses themselves. 22:20

    2 Nephi

  217. Chapters 1-2: Second Nephi begins with Lehi rehearsing and rehashing the same old stories from Nephi's first book. Chapters 1-2

  218. Joseph Smith got a little carried away with the fruit of various loins. In a single chapter (3) he mentions "fruit of my (his or thy) loins" 21 times. Verse 12 must set an all time record for fruits of loins: 5. 3:4, 5, 6, 7(3), 11(2), 12(5), 14, 18(4), 19(2), 21

  219. Joseph Smith makes some modest prophecies about himself. He will be a choice seer, esteemed highly, and shall do "a work of great worth." He will be great in God's eyes, like Moses, and will do God's work. He will bring forth God's word, confound false doctrines, establish peace, and bring knowledge in the latter days. All those who seek to destroy him will be confounded. He will be like God and will bring God's people to salvation. He will have exceeding faith, work mighty wonders, and do what is great in the sight of God. 3:6-24

  220. Chapter 4 is a total waste of a golden plate. The 1350 or so words can be summed up with just two: Lehi died. 4:12

  221. God will curse you if you put your trust in the arm of flesh or make flesh your arm. 4:34

  222. Chapter 5 begins with Nephi's brothers rebelling against him again. (See here, here, here, here, here, and here for previous rebellions.) Nephi cries to the Lord. After his brothers try to kill him, God tells Nephi to leave and take his brown-nosing family and fiends with him. 5:1-6

  223. So they took all their stuff and camped out for a while at a place they called Nephi, where they decided to be called the people of Nephi (Nephites). 5:7-9

  224. Nephi brought along the brass plates and the magic ball (or compass) that God made with his own hands. This was about 1600 years before compasses were used in navigation. 5:12

  225. Nephi teaches his followers to build buildings and work in iron, copper, brass, steel, gold, and silver. But evidence is lacking for such pre-Columbian metallurgy, and it would be well beyond the capabilities of a handful of immigrants from the ancient Near-East around 590 BCE. 5:15

  226. The Nephites built a temple, like Solomon's but with not quite as many precious things. According to the bible (2 Chr.2:2), it took 150,000 men seven years to build the temple, but Nephites crew of a dozen or so men managed just fine. 5:16

  227. Then the people of Nephi who lived in a place called Nephi wanted to make Nephi their king. But Nephi said they should have no king. So Nephi became their ruler instead. 5:18-19

  228. Everything was exceedingly good with the Nephites. Nephi made priests out of his little brothers, Jacob and Joseph. Everyone was perfectly happy. And Nephi wrote stuff down on his plates. 5:26-29

  229. God told Nephi to write some other stuff down on some other plates. He told him to only write stuff that was pleasing to God. And that's what he did. 5:30-33

  230. But Nephi only going to say this about that: 40 years passed and there were wars and whatnot. 5:34

  231. Jacob (Nephi's newly-ordained little brother) gives a long, boring speech about "exceedingly many things." 6:2-3

  232. "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 6:7

  233. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 8:9-10

  234. Jacob threw in a couple more chapters from Isaiah (see chapters 7 and 8) so that 2400 years later the true (LDS) church would know the covenants that God had covenanted with the Jews (who will all have become Mormons by then). 9:1-2

  235. After the Isaiah break, Jacob returned to his 19th century, frontier American, Protestant sermon, which he delivered to the Nephites circa 550 BCE, warning them that they will all burn in hell unless they repent and believe in someone (Jesus H. Christ) who will not exist for another six centuries or so. 9:3-54

  236. Jacob takes off all his clothes and shakes them in front of his brethren, exposing himself in all of his glorious blood-free brightness to God's all-searching eye. 9:44

  237. Jacob woke up the next day and started preaching again. He predicted that many Nephite children would "perish in the flesh because of unbelief." But not to worry, God will somehow restore the dead little unbelievers by forcing them to believe -- or something like that. 10:2

  238. The kings of the Gentiles shall be nursing fathers. 10:9

  239. God gave the entire Western Hemisphere to the Mormon Church, but he blesses non-Mormon, non-Catholic, white Christians ("Gentiles" in Mormon-speak) too. 10:10

  240. God will protect and strengthen America (since it's his favorite country). 10:12

  241. Non-Mormon Americans ("Gentiles") are the new Jews and will be both naughty and nice to Mormons, depending on how God feels at the moment. 10:18

  242. America was consecrated by God to the seed of Nephi (Mormons). God likes America better than any other country. All Americans will someday worship God and become Mormons. 10:19

  243. Jacob tells the Nephites that they are on an isle of the sea, and since the Bible mentions "isles of the sea" (see for example Isaiah 24:15), there must be other isles that are inhabited by the descendants of other ancient seafaring Jews. (As I'm sure you've guessed by now, the other inhabitants of the "isles of the sea" are the Polynesians.) 10:20-21

  244. "Jacob spake many more things to my people at that time; nevertheless only these things have I caused to be written, for the things which I have written sufficeth me."
    Yeah, Nephi, the things you have written suffieth me, too. I don't think I could take any more of Jacob's bullshit. 11:1

  245. Nephi says he's going to include some more words of Isaiah, (He's already included about 5 chapters. See 1 Ne.17:39, 20:1-22, 21:1-21; 2 Ne.6:5-7, 6:16-18, 7:1-11, 8:1-25, 9:50-51, 10:9) because his "soul delighteth in his words." So he throws in another 13 chapters or so. 11:2, 8

  246. Nehi's soul delights in making things up about Jesus. 11:4-7

  247. God will make sweet smelling things stink and people with hair, bald. 13:24

  248. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 14:4-5

  249. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 17:18

  250. "The Lord [will] shave with a razor ... the head and hair of the feet," where "hair" and "feet" are biblical euphemisms for pubic hair and male sexual organs, respectively. 17:20

  251. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 18:3

  252. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 21:4

  253. "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 21:6

  254. "And the weaned child shall put his hand in the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 21:8, 30:14

  255. When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 23:13

  256. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 23:21-22

  257. Notice that Joseph Smith threw in another "and it shall came to pass" into verse 4, even though it was missing from the verse (Isaiah 14:4) he was copying from. I guess he just couldn't resist! 24:4

  258. "Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 24:29

  259. Nephi's "soul delighteth in in the words of Isaiah." That's probably why he included 13 consecutive chapters from Isaiah. (2 Ne.12-24) 25:5

  260. The Lord "will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder" (The Book of Mormon). 25:17

  261. Joseph Smith (or Nephi) repeats the bible stories about the fiery serpents (Num. 21:6-9) and the water-bearing rock (Ex.17:6, Num.20:11). He figures that if you believe those stories, you'll believe his as well. 25:20

  262. God will destroy (in various ways) those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:15

  263. God won't give good stuff to those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:17

  264. God will get the Gentiles to kill all those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:19

  265. The devil is the founder of all those "secret combinations." 26:22

  266. People should work for Zion (the Mormon church) not for money. 26:31

  267. The Book of Mormon prophesies itself! 27:6

  268. The Book of Mormon will be sealed until God delivers it to a man.
    (Gosh, could that man be Joseph Smith?) 27:7-9

  269. "Wo be unto him that rejecteth the word of God!
    (By "word of God" Joseph Smith means the Book of Mormon.) 27:14

  270. The Book of Mormon is "a marvelous work and an wonder." 27:26

  271. The Book of Mormon refers to itself as "a marvelous work" of God. 29:1

  272. Another marvelous BoM prophecy: many shall say, "A Bible! We have got a Bible." And they certainly have.
    This is especially amazing since this prophecy was allegedly made around 550 BCE, long before either the canon or the name of the "Bible" existed. 29:3

  273. Fools will say, "A Bible! We have got a Bible, and we need no more (damned) Bible." 29:6

  274. Before many generations pass, Native Americans will convert to Mormonism, their skins will turn white, and they will become a "delightsome" people. 30:6

  275. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth; and with the breath of his mouth he shall slay the wicked." How's that for some bad breath? 30:9

  276. Those who reject the Book of Mormon are of the devil. 33:5

  277. Those who believe in Christ will also believe in the Book of Mormon. 33:10

    Jacob

  278. Polygamy is condemned as "wicked" and "abominable." (Was it wicked for Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and Mitt Romney's great grandfather?) 1:15, 2:24, 27

  279. Those who hope in Christ will obtain riches. 2:19

  280. "I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me." 2:28

  281. "Unless ye shall repent of your sins that their skins will be whiter than yours." 3:8

  282. God made the Lamanites (Native Americans) filthy and dark skinned "because of their fathers." 3:9

  283. Jacob continued his sermon to the Nephites, but he only has space for less than 1% of it (which began to be numerous) in the small plates. See the large plates for the details. 3:12-13

  284. Jacob's small plates are called the plates of Jacob, and they were made by the (dead?) hand of Nephi. And that's all Jacob has to say about that. 3:14

  285. If writing on metal plates was so tough, then why did Nephi bother copying 22 chapters from Isaiah? 4:1

  286. "We ... engraven these words upon plates ... that they may know that we knew of Christ ... many hundred years before his coming." 4:3-4

  287. All the prophets in the Hebrew scriptures (Moses, Isaiah, Jeremiah, etc.) believed in Jesus and worshipped God in his name -- hundreds of years before Jesus was born. 4:4-5

  288. The Nephites could tell trees, mountains, and waves what to do "in the name of Jesus." 4:6

  289. Jacob continues to tell us about Jesus, who will be born 500 or so years in the future. You must believe in him (even centuries before he was born) or you'll burn in hell. This is the umpteenth time Book of Mormon has told us about this. 6:1-13

  290. "O be wise; what can I say more?" 6:12

  291. Jacob says goodbye, saying he won't see us again until we are beaten with "the pleasing rod of God." But then he shows back up again in the next chapter. You just can't get rid of that guy. 6:12

  292. After God killed Sherem, things got back to normal. The Nephites were righteous and the Lamanites were wicked. So the Nephites built up their military to fight the Lamanites. 7:23-24

  293. "Adieu" is a French word which did not exist at the time the book of Jacob was supposedly written (ca. 500 BCE). 7:27

    Enos

  294. "My father ... taught me in his language."
    Enos' father (Jacob) taught him in his language -- which, of course, was reformed Egyptian. (All native Americans spoke reformed Egyptian in 500 BCE.) 1:1

  295. Jesus will give you whatever you ask for. If you believe that you'll get it, you'll get it.
    (How's that for a big lie?) 1:35

    Omni

  296. The Book of Omni gets off to a great start for a book in the Book of Mormon with the words "Behold, it came to pass" but it goes downhill quickly from there. The purpose of Omni's little book is the same as the purpose of his father's book (the Book of Jarom) -- to preserve their genealogy. Exciting stuff. 1

  297. It turns out that Omni's little book wasn't written by Omni, at least most of it wasn't. Omni only wrote the first three verses, from which we learn the following things: Omni fought a lot with Lamanites, he was a wicked man, and he had a son named Amaron, who received the plates from Omni when he died. 2-3

  298. Amaron was a bit more prolific than his father, writing five verses. From them we learn that after 320 years the more wicked part of the Nephites were destroyed, but the Lord saved the righteous ones. Then Amaron passed the plates to his brother Chemish. 4-8

  299. Chemish wrote a few things in a single verse in the same book, from which we learn that his brother Amaron wrote what he wrote with his own hand (not somebody else's) and he wrote his five verses in a single day, after the manner that the Nephites kept there records, according to the commandments of their fathers. And with that, Chemish made an end. 9

  300. After Chemish made an end, his son Abinadom took over. Abinadom wrote two verses with three beholds, saying that he killed many Lamanites with his own sword. But he didn't know of any new revelations, "wherefore, that which is sufficient is written." 10-11

  301. After Abinadom's end, his son Amaleki took over. He spoke somewhat concerning Mosiah, the king of Zarahemla, which was a new land that the Nephites discovered while fleeing from the evil Lamanites. 12-13

  302. When the Nephites arrived in Zarahemla, they found the land already inhabited by the people of Zarahemla, who rejoiced exceedingly when they saw the Nephites because they had the plates of brass with the genealogies of the Jews. 14

  303. Now you might be wondering where these mysterious people of Zarahemla came from. It turns out that they were also long lost Israelites That's right! They were seafaring Jews that, with God's help, sailed over "the great waters" from Israel after it was attacked by Babylon in 586 BCE. (The people of Zarahemla are called "Mulekites" later in the Book of Mormon. See Helaman 6:10) 15-16

  304. After arriving in the New World, the people of Zarahemla (aka the Mulekites) became exceedingly numerous. But from time to time they had wars and whatnot. And because they didn't write stuff on brass plates, they became atheists and their language (Reformed Egyptian) became corrupted since. So the people of Zarahemla and the people of Mosiah couldn't understand one another. 17

  305. But these problems were easily solved. Mosiah taught the people of Zarahamla how to speak in Mosiah's language (Reformed Egyptian -- like all indigenous Americans speak), so they Mosiah could write down their genealogies too. (Although they didn't get to write them on the plates of Nephi.) 18

  306. After that, it came to pass that the people of Zarhemla and of Mosiah united together and made Mosiah their king. 19

  307. Then someone found this big rock with engravings on it. Mosiah, with the help of God, interpreted the engravings and found that they were written by a guy named Coriantumr, who lived with the people of Zarahemla for the space of nine moons. ("Nine moons" is "Indian talk" for nine months.) 20-21

  308. Okay, so where did this Coriantumr fellow come from? Well, Israel, of course, silly! All the indigenous people in the Western Hemisphere came from Israel at one time or another. The Nephites sailed over in 600 BCE, the people of Zarahemla (aka the Mulekites) did likewise in 586 BCE, as did Corantumr's people (aka the Jaredites) at the time of the Tower of Babel. (You can read more all about the Jaredites in the Book of Ether.) 22

  309. After Amaleki finished telling stories about the Mulekites and Jaredites, he began to be old and having no seed, he passed the plates to King Benjamin, who succeeded King Mosiah, and who drove the Lamanites out of the land of Zarahemla. 23-25a

  310. King Benjamin told everyone to believe in prophesying, revelations, speaking in tongues (which, according to the Bible, no one did until the day of Pentecost), and getting saved though Christ (who wouldn't be born for another couple couple centuries). 25b-26

  311. Before Amaleki makes an end of his speaking, he tells us about a certain number of Nephites who leave Zarahelma and to return to the land of Nephi. They were led by a stiffnecked guyt that got all of them killed, save fifty. After that, it came to pass that there was another attempted migration to the land of Nephi, with Amaleki's brother among them, and no one has heard from them since. 27-30a

  312. And with that bit of news, Amaleki makes an end of his speaking, and with the plates full, goes down in his grave. 30b

    Words of Mormon

  313. "Words of Mormon" was engraved on golden plates by a Mormon prophet named Mormon about 385 CE. Mormon entrusted the golden plates to his son Moroni, who buried them on a hill in what would later become Wayne County, New York. 1400 years later, after being resurrected as an angel, Moroni delivered the golden plates to Joseph Smith. 1-2

  314. Mormon finds and abridges the plates of Nephi, which were written over a period of about 1000 years. He wrote down less than one percent of all the stuff that was written, for which we should all be grateful. What he wrote he thinks is choice; he wrote it while the spirit of the Lord whispered to him. And he knows it will be preserved because it's such great stuff. 3-11

  315. "My prayer to God is concerning my brethren ... that they may once again be a delightsome people." 9

  316. "For behold, king Benjamin was a holy man ... and there were many holy men ... and they did use much sharpness because of the stiffneckedness of the people." 17

    Mosiah

  317. King Benjamin taught his sons Reformed Egyptian so they could read the brass plates. Good thing, too -- otherwise they'd suffer ignorance and dwindle in unbelief. 1:1-5

  318. Lehi, a 7th century Israelite, was taught in the language of the Egyptians. 1:4

  319. "And many more things did king Benjamin teach his sons, which are not written in this book."
    Thanks goodness for that! 1:8

  320. Before he died, King Benjamin selected his son Mosiah to replace him as king and gave him all his special things: the plates of Nephi, the sword of Laban (that Nephi used to decapitate Laban), and the magic ball of curious workmanship that was made by God himself. 1:15-16

  321. The Nephites multiplied exceedingly. There were so many, in fact, that they couldn't be numbered and a tower had to be erected so that everyone could hear King Benjamin's exceedingly boring speech. 2:2, 7

  322. "I say unto you that I have caused that ye should assemble yourselves together that I might rid my garments of your blood." King Benjamin assembled everyone in his kingdom to rid his garments of their blood. Good idea. 2:28

  323. Mosiah tells us one more time about Jesus, who will be born in another 120 years or so. This is the umpteenth time Jesus is prophesied in great detail in the Book of Mormon. It's almost as though the whole thing was written using language that mimicked the King James Version of the Bible by someone living in nineteenth century America. 3:1-27

  324. "The things which I shall tell you are made known unto me by an angel from God. And he said unto me: Awake; and I awoke, and behold he stood before me." 3:2

  325. Devils dwell in the hearts of the children of men. But Jesus will cast them out when he comes. 3:6

  326. When Jesus dies, 150 or so years later, blood will come from every pore. 3:7

  327. Jesus, who wouldn't be born for another 120 years or so, will be both the Son of God and the Father of heaven and earth. 3:8

  328. When King Benjamin quit speaking, everyone in Zarahemla fell on their faces and "they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men." 4:1-2

  329. After King Benjamin's speech, he sent his officials out to ask the people if they believed the stuff he told them. He didn't need Nate Silver to do the analysis. Everyone believed everything he said and cried out together, "Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken to us...." 5:1-5

  330. And, by golly, those were just the words King Benjamin hoped they'd say! "These are the words which king Benjamin desired of them." 5:6

  331. After King Benjamin finally finished speaking (God, I hope he's really done this time), he decided to make a list of all the born-again Christians. It turned out that everyone had been saved, except for maybe the little children -- 120 years before Jesus was born! 6:1-2

  332. Benjamin made his son Mosiah king and appointed priests to instruct the people. Mosiah walked in the ways of the Lord and everything was peachy in Zarahemla, just like it was when his dad was king. 6:3-7

  333. The first three years of King Mosiah's reign were peaceful. But he was getting a little bored, and was wondering about his brethren who had left Zarahemla years ago. So he sent 16 of his finest men to the land of Lehi-Nephi to go looking for them. Ammon (a strong and mighty man) was their leader. 7:1-3

  334. After 40 days of wandering around, they set up camp on a hill north of Shilom, in the land of Nephi. 7:4-5

  335. The next morning, Ammon and three of his best men went down into the land of Nephi to explore. They promptly got thrown in jail by the king's guard. 7:6-7

  336. After two days in jail, the king brought them out for questioning. He told them that he was Limhi (the son of Noah, who was the son of Zeniff, who came up out of the land of Zarahemla) and then asked them to explain why they were there, or else be put to death. Seems fair. 7:8-11

  337. Ammon bows and thanks King Limhi for not already killing him, and for letting him explain himself. There is so much to be thankful for! 7:12

  338. After Ammon tells his story, Lemhi is pleased. His people are being forced to pay a high tribute to the Lamenites, and he figures that his long-lost brethren in Zarahemla will help him out of the mess. 7:13-15

  339. So King Lemhi set Ammon and his men free, and allowed them to eat, drink and rest in the city. He even sent a few guards to collect the rest of the men who were still camping on the hill. 7:16

  340. Then King Lemhi sent a proclamation to all his people, telling them to gather together for a speech (oh boy!). Once everyone gathers around, he gives them the good news: "The time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies." 7:17-18

  341. Lehi then preaches for a little while about how the tribute was their fault in the first place; that it was a punishment sent from the Lord because of their iniquity. Luckily, God is now giving them a second chance. 7:19-33

  342. After King Limhi is done with his speech, he makes Ammon tell everyone what his people have been up to since the time that Zeniff left the land of Zarahemla. Ammon agrees, and throws in King Benjamin's speech as a bonus. 8:1-3

  343. Then King Limhi dismisses his people and the "multitude" go home. Lemhi brings out the plates of his people and makes Ammon read them. After Ammon finishes reading the plates, Limhi asks him if he can interpret languages. Ammon says he can't. 8:4-6

  344. King Limhi explains how he sent a search party to find Zarahemla, but they couldn't find it. They got lost in the wilderness for many days and came upon a land of many waters, which was covered with the bones of men and beasts. Among the ruins they found 24 golden engraved plates, breastplates of brass and copper, and rusty swords. 8:7-10

  345. King Limhi was happy to have found a seer. Both Ammon and Limhi agreed that seers are far superior to prophets. You see, a seer is both a revelator and a prophet. (Of course, Joseph Smith was all three). Seers are handy to have around, because they reveal stuff, tell secrets, light up hidden things, make things known, and make other things known that couldn't have been known otherwise. It's a hard job. 8:15-17

  346. Zeniff and his men were sent from Zarahemla to find out the strengths and weaknesses of the Lamanite army. Once Zeniff saw the Lamanites, however, he saw "that which was good among them" and he didn't want them to be destroyed. Zeniff asked his group's leader to make a treaty with them, but this didn't go so well. The leader commanded that Zeniff be killed for even suggesting such a thing. Some sided with Zeniff, and this led to infighting where "father fought against father, and brother fought against brother." Most of the group died in the fighting. The rest of the group returned with Zeniff to Zarahemla to tell the cool story to their wives and children. 9:1-2

  347. Then they decide to go back. They wander in the wilderness, and it is a pretty tough journey, since they were "slow to remember God." God punishes Zeniff's people with famine and sore afflictions, but they make it there eventually. 9:3-4

  348. Once they set up camp, Zeniff picks four of his men and goes down to meet the Lamanite king. It goes surprisingly well. The Lamanite king commands his people to clear the land immediately, and he gives the land to Zeniff and his people. They start repairing walls and growing crops and stuff. 9:5-9

  349. King Laman had a cunning and crafty plan, though. He only gave them the land so that he could put them in bondage later. Twelve years later, King Laman enacts his plan. Zeniff's people are attacked by a host of Lamanites. The people rush to Zeniff for protection. 9:10-15

  350. Unfortunately for the Lamanites, Zeniff is prepared. He arms his people with all kinds of weapons (they even invent some) and they cried out mightily to the Lord for help in battle. The Lord hears them, and they defeat the Lamanites, 3,043 to 279. 9:16-19

  351. After the bloodshed in the last chapter, Zeniff tells his people to make every kind of weapon, and he posts guards around the land. It seemed to work pretty well, too. They had 22 years of continual peace, which is pretty good for the Book of Mormon. 10:1-3

  352. But when King Laman died, his son began to reign, and he lost no time getting ready for battle. 10:6

  353. Then Zeniff saw a host of Lamanites on a hill overlooking his land (Lamanites are easy to identify, since they shave their heads and walk around in leather underwear). Zeniff hid all of the women and children in the woods and armed the men and boys for battle. 10:8-9

  354. Before the battle, Zeniff rouses his troops with a speech about the Lamanites (Native Americans), explaing why they (the descendants of Laman) are a wild, ferrocious, and blood-thirsty people -- God made them that way to punish Laman for not obeying his brother Nephi. The Lamanites were wroth with the the Nephites from the beginning and teach their children to hate the Nephites with an "eternal hatred." So it's best to kill them when you get the chance. It makes you wonder why Zeniff wanted to defend them so badly in the last chapter. 10:12-17

  355. Zeniff's reign was at an end, and he conferred the kingdom upon his son, Noah. Noah was a wicked king. Unlike his father, he taxed the people, and spent the tax revenue on concubines, priests, and a newly-constructed palace filled with precious things. 11:1-9

  356. "And a fifth part of their ziff"
    Oh no! Zeniff made the people give up a fifth of the ziff! Now that would be hard to live with. 11:3

  357. "King Noah built many elegant and spacious buildings" ornamented with gold, silver, iron, brass, copper, and ziff.
    Why is there no evidence for these fancy buildings? There were many of them, decorated with gold and silver. Where are they now? And the metallurgy technology for iron and brass didn't exist prior to European contact. But there was plenty of ziff around at the time so that wouldn't have been a problem. 11:8

  358. King Noah also built a very high tower, so he could see everything in his kingdom. 11:12

  359. King Noah was so evil that he even became a wine-bibber. 11:15

  360. Then the Lamanites started attacking Noah's people. He wasn't very good at protecting them, though. (He was too busy wine-bibbing with his concubines in his exceedingly high tower.) He sends out guards, but it is too little, too late. 11:16-17

  361. They have a battle, and Noah's people win. They then start boasting, and delighting in the blood of their victory. Everyone joined in, except a man named Abinadi. Abinadi began to prophesy unto them, telling them how wicked they all were, and how they should repent (or else). 11:19-20

  362. After Abinadi was done with his prophesying, the people were angry with him. They tried to kill him, but God didn't let them. When King Noah found out about it, he ordered that Abinadi be brought to him so he could kill him. 11:26-29

  363. Abinadi somehow managed to remain hidden from King Noah's guards for 2 years. Then he came back in disguise to prophesy again to the people. He blew his cover awfully quick, though. He quoted the Lord, and unfortunately the Lord used his name directly. 12:1

  364. Abinadi says that the Lord says that "this generation" will be killed and their dead bodies fed to the vultures, dogs, and wild beasts. God will strap loads on their backs like they were a bunch of dumb asses, make them howl all day long, send hail to smite them and insects to pester them, and then he'll kill them all with disease and starvation. When God gets done with them there will be nothing left but the "record they shall leave behind them" (written on brass or golden plates, no doubt). 12:2-8

  365. They brought Abinabi to King Noah and told him what Abinabi said that the Lord said about him: that he was like a burning garment, a dry stalk that is trampled on by beasts, and (worst of all) like the blossoms of the thistle. 12:9-12

  366. When King Noah heard about Abinadi's prophesying, he threw Abinadi in prison and called his priests to a meeting to decide what to do with him. 12:17

  367. Book of Mormon characters love to quote Isaiah using the King James Version of the Bible. So it's not surprising that King Noah's priests test Abinabi by quoting Isaiah 52:7-10 and asking him to explain the passage to them. (Nobody knows what the hell Isaiah means!) 12:20-24

  368. Abinabi refused to interpret the Isaiah passage, saying if they're so great they ought to know what it means. 12:25
  369. Noah's priests try to defend themselves, but Abinadi is too clever for them. He calls them names, claims he is right and perfect, and quotes from the Bible. 12:28-37

  370. Noah is getting sick of Abinadi's preaching. He orders his men to capture Abinadi and kill him, but they can't. Apparently God will smite them if they lay a hand on him. 13:1-3

  371. So they are stuck listening to him, and so are we. He lists the 10 commandments and rambles on about all of the usual stuff: stiffnecked people, salvation, the coming of the Lord. etc. As he spoke the Spirit of the Lord was upon him and his face shown with exceeding luster, just like Moses's face did when he talked with God on Mount Sinai. 13:4-24

  372. The most notable part of his speech is when he talks about the law of Moses. He says that they should keep with the law of Moses for now, but there will come a time when they will need to abandon it. Also, salvation doesn't come simply from following the Law of Moses. There's more to it than that. 13:27-38

  373. "Yea, even doth not Isaiah say:"
    Joseph Smith adds another chapter from Isaiah (53) as filler. 14:1

  374. Abinadi continues his speech. He's done quoting Isaiah, and now he's getting to the important bit about Jesus and God the Father, who are the same guy as it turns out. 15:1-31

  375. Jesus is both the Father and the Son! 15:2-3

  376. The seed of Jesus 5:10-13

  377. Beautiful feet. 15:15-18

  378. Chapter 16 wraps up Abinadi's speech, and thankfully, it's the last we'll have to hear from him. He continues with the usual threats and rewards based on the belief in Jesus (using language from the KJV) - 150 or so years before Jesus was born. 16:1-15

  379. King Noah doesn't listen. Instead, it came to pass that he commanded his priests to kill Abinadi. 17:1
  380. But Abinadi's words were not spoken in vain. There was at least one who heard him. He was a descendant of Nephi, and his name was Alma. 17:2
  381. But King Noah's mind was made up. He was going to kill Abinadi, and now he was going to kill Alma, too. 17:3
  382. Alma got away from Noah's priests, and he hid in the woods for a few days. Noah threw Abinadi in prison, and then brought him out to hear his sentence: Death. Abinadi held to his words, and threatens Noah one more time. 17:4-10
  383. This almost scares King Noah enough to release Abinadi. But then his priests goad him on, and he is forced to burn Abinadi to death. That's how it goes sometimes. 17:11-13
  384. While he was burning, he cursed them, saying they will be burned, afflicted with disease, hunted by their enemies. 17:16-19
  385. So Abinadi died, "sealing the truth of his words by his death." 17:20
  386. We met Alma last chapter, when he tried to convince King Noah not to kill Abinadi. It didn't go so well... it ended with King Noah burning Abinadi at the stake, and ordering the death of Alma, too. Alma managed to escape, and after he did he started preaching to the people in private." 18:1-30
  387. Apparently he was a pretty good speaker, and he created quite the following. He took his followers to a land called Mormon. It's called "Mormon" because it's infested with wild beasts. Makes sense. 18:4
  388. Alma takes his followers to the Waters of Mormon and baptizes them all. Then he ordains priests, one for every 50 followers. 18:14-16
  389. And he also commanded them that the priests whom he had ordained should labor with their own hands for their support. 18:24
  390. Alma seemed to favor progressive taxation and a welfare system. He demanded little of those with little, and more from those with more to give, "and to him that had not should be given." 18:27
  391. "All this was done in Mormon, yea, by the waters of Mormon, in the forest that was near the waters of Mormon; yea, the place of Mormon, the waters of Mormon, the forest of Mormon."
    Everything seemed to be going well in the land of Mormon. They didn't even mind the word "Mormon" back then. They actually seem to use it an amazing amount. (Of course, nowadays you are supposed to call Mormons "Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints." You could turn this verse into a whole page if you did that!) 18:30

  392. Everything was good until King Noah sends out spies and found out about them. Of course, Noah sent his army out to destroy them, and they fled into the wilderness, as usual. 18:32-34
  393. Earlier we learned that there were 200 followers of Alma, but 450 people flee from King Noah's army. I guess they must ahve made lots of Mormon babies since then. 18:35
  394. In the last chapter, King Noah sent his army after Alma and his people. They managed to escape the pursuing army. When the king's army returned, there was a division among the people. One strong man, Gideon, sought to slay the king. 19:1-4
  395. Gideon and the king fought, and just as Gideon was about to slay him, King Noah ran away to his tower. Noah saw that the Lamanites were preparing to attack the city. He told Gideon that he shouldn't kill him now, or else his people will be killed by the Lamanites. His ploy works, and Gideon spares his life. 19:5-8
  396. Noah commanded his people to flee into the wilderness. They do, but the Lamanites quickly catch up and start killing people. 19:9-10
  397. Then Noah tells his people to abandon their wives and children, and to run for their lives. Some of them do, and the others choose to stay and try and defend their families by other means: whoring out their daughters. 19:11-14
  398. So the Lamanites took them captive, and let them live their lives relatively unchanged, except for a 50% tax. 19:15
  399. The Nephites who fled into the wilderness were angry at King Noah for not letting them return to the land of Nephi. So they burned Noah to death and made his righteous son, Limhi, king. Then they returned to the land of Nephi. 19:16
  400. Limhi, the new "King", agreed to the Lamanite king's demands. 19:25-26
  401. The Lamanite king was clever, though. He knew that Limhi's people might try running away again, so he posted guards around the city. In spite of the crippling tax that was upon them, there was continual peace in the land for two years. 19:28-29
  402. The daughters of the Lamanites liked to gather and sing and dance in this secret place near Shemlon. One day, when there were only a few of them, the evil priests of King Noah kidnapped them and carried 24 of them into the wilderness. 20:1-5
  403. The Lamanites suspected that the people of Limhi stole their daughters, so their king sent an army that fought like lions. 20:10
  404. But the people of Limhi fought like dragons. They were outnumbered 2-to-1, but everyone knows that a good dragon is worth at least 3-4 lions. 20:11
  405. In the battle, the Lamanite king was badly wounded. Limhi's soldiers took him captive, and brought him before King Limhi. 20:13
  406. Limhi doesn't kill him, and instead has a chat with him.

    Limhi: Why are we fighting, anyways?
    Lamanite King: You stole our daughters!
    Limhi: Oh! Sorry about that. I'll find and kill whoever took them.
    Lamanite King: Sounds good. Sorry about the war and everything.
    Limhi: No problem. It had been a little while since our last war anyways. 20:14-16

  407. But before the search began, Gideon talked him out of it. He reminded Limhi of Noah's creepy priests, and he explained how they probably stole the Lamanite's daughters. 20:17-18
  408. So Limhi explained Gideon's theory to the Lamanite King and they agreed to stop fighting. 20:23-24
  409. Poor Limhi couldn't catch a break. After the incident with the stolen Lamanite daughters, he made an agreement with the Lamanite king. Apparently he wasn't specific enough, because soon after the Lamanites were surrounding them on all sides, putting heavy burdens on their backs and treating them like dumb-asses. 21:2-3

  410. Of course, the Nephites didn't like this at all. They asked Limhi if they could go to war with the Lamanites. Like any good leader, he said, "Okay, sure, yeah, whatever you want to do." 21:6

  411. It didn't go well. 21:8

  412. The battle left many widows, who cried mightily from day to day. Their cries eventually stirred up the Nephites, and made them want to fight again. 21:10-11a

  413. They lost, again. 21:11b

  414. The surviving Nephites submitted themselves fully to the Lamanites, and cried to God for help. He was slow to hear their cries, but he heard them. He decided to soften the hearts of the Lamanites a bit, but he didn't see fit to deliver them out of bondage. 21:14-15

  415. So the Nephites pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, and started prospering again. 21:16

  416. King Limhi set guards around the city to catch the wicked priests. (Lately the priests had been stealing their grain, and Limhi was still angry about the virgin daughter incident.) The guards mistook Ammon and his brethren for the priests, and they bound the group and took them to King Limhi. 21:20-23

  417. Ammon told Limhi who he was, and about Mosiah, and how he could read plates. Limhi was especially excited about this. He had previously sent a search party to Zarahemla, but they got lost in a ghost-town and they returned with a set of ore plates that Limhi had been wanting to read for years. 21:24-28

  418. He even wanted to be baptized by Ammon, but Ammon refused. 21:33

  419. So instead of baptism, they focused on how to free themselves from the Lamanites. 21:36

  420. Ammon and Lemhi decide to call a meeting of all the people. There was only one order of business: how to deliver themselves out of bondage. 22:1

  421. After a lengthy discussion, they decided that the only option was to run away. 22:2

  422. But they still needed a plan. Luckily, a man named Gideon had a great idea: get the Lamanites drunk and escape through the back door. 22:3-8

  423. So that's what they did. King Limhi followed Gideon's plan, and everything went off without a hitch. And after many days of wandering in the wilderness, they arrived at the land of Zarahemla and joined Mosiah's people. 22:9-14

  424. When the Lamanites woke up from their hangover, they sent out an army after the Nephites. After two days of pursuit, the army gets lost in the wilderness. 22:15-16

  425. The evil Amulon put guards on Alma and his people, ordering them to kill whoever prays outloud. 24:11

  426. Mosiah translated the Jaredite plates by looking at stones in the bottom of a hat -- just like Joseph Smith did with the Book of Mormon! 28:13

  427. A seer is someone who can translate things by looking at stones in the bottom of a hat. 28:16

  428. The Jaredite sailed to the New World after God confounded human language at the Tower of Babel. 28:17

    Alma

  429. Whosoever did not belong to the church of God began to persecute those that did belong to the church of God."
    Non-believers persecuted believers because the believers were just so darned humble. 1:19-20

  430. Those who didn't belong to the right church were lazy, wicked, babbling, idolatrous, proud people who were all a bunch of thieves and murderers. 1:32

  431. The Lord did hear their cries [he had his hearing aid on], ... and the Lamanites and Amlicites did fall before them. 2:28

  432. The Lamanites were naked, and their skins were dark because of a curse from God. 3:5-6

  433. God darkened the skin of the Lamanites (Native Americans) to keep them separate from the Nephites. 3:8

  434. Whoever "mingles his seed" with the Lamanites will be cursed by God and will "bring the same curse upon his seed." (Their children will have dark skins.) 3:9

  435. Whoever is led away by the Lamanites will have "a mark set upon him." (God will darken his skin?) 3:10

  436. God darkened the skin of the Lamanites (Native Americans) to forever separate them from the Nephites. 3:14

  437. Whoever "mingles his seed" with the Lamanites will be cursed by God. (They and their children will have dark skins.) 3:15

  438. "For I say unto you that whatsoever is good cometh from God, and whatsoever is evil cometh from the devil." 5:40

  439. If you are not a sheep of the good shepherd, the devil is your shepherd. 5:39

  440. I trust you are not in a state of unbelief. 7:6

  441. The bible is wrong about Jesus being born in Bethlehem (see Luke 2:4-7). He was (according to the Book of Mormon) born in Jerusalem. 7:10

  442. He who is filthy shall remain in his filthiness. 7:21

  443. Now the reckoning is thus -- a senine of gold, a seon of gold, a shum of gold, and a limnah of gold. A senum of silver, an amnor of silver, an ezrom of silver, and an onti of silver. A senum of silver was equal to a senine of gold ... ... Now an antion of gold is equal to three shiblons. 11:5-19

  444. Jesus is both the "Son of God" and "the very Eternal Father." 11:38-39

  445. "Alma cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord our God, have mercy on this man, and heal him according to his faith which is in Christ. And when Alma had said these words, Zeezrom leaped upon his feet, and began to walk." 15:10-11

  446. The land was covered with many rotting dead bodies. It stunk so bad that the land wasn't occupied for many years. 16:11

  447. The fifth day of the second month of the eleventh year -- this useless (but biblical sounding) information is repeated twice in the same verse. 16:1

  448. Ammon carried the arms that he had cut off to show to the king. 17:39

  449. Wouldn't you just know it? The Lamanites (Native Americans) refer to God as "the Great Spirit." (18:2, 3, 4, 5, 11, 18, 26, 28) 18:2

  450. Ammon, being filled with the Spirit of God, brags a bit about killing people with his sling and chopping off arms. 18:16

  451. "Others say that he is dead and that he stinketh ... but as mor myself, to me he doth not stink." 19:5

  452. "The dark veil of unbelief" 19:6

  453. Wouldn't you just know it? The Lamanites (Native Americans) refer to God as "the Great Spirit." 19:25, 27, 25, 22:9-11

  454. The Lamanites that converted were called "Anti-Nephi-Lehies." Now that's a catchy name! 23:17

  455. God's curse of the Lamanites was lifted from the "Anti-Nephi-Lehies." So did their skin became "white and delightsome" again? 23:18

  456. The king named his son "Anti-Nephi-Lehi." 24:3

  457. Joseph Smith used "behold" 27 times in this chapter. This may be the most "beholds" in any chapter in literature. (The most it's ever used in the King James Version is 21 in Lev.13.) 26:1

  458. Korihor (who spoke the plain and simple truth) was the Anti-Christ. 30:12

  459. Alma refuses, saying that Korihor has signs enough. Others believe in God, so he should too. There is the bible, and the earth and its motions, and the planets. (Of course none of this is evidence for the existence of a God.) 30:44

  460. The Book of Mormon agrees with Archie Bunker, who said: "It ain't supposed to make sense; it's faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe." 32:18

  461. The absurd story about the God's fiery serpents and the graven image snakebite cure (Numbers 21:6-8) is repeated here. 33:19

  462. When it comes to religion, Mormons believe in experimenting. Just believe and see what happens. If it feels good, believe it. 32:36, 34:4

  463. The magic ball, director, Liahona, or compass. This was the gadget that God gave Nephi for navigation. It worked "according to their faith in God." 37:38-40

  464. Alma tries (and fails) to explain how it is just for God to torment perople forever in hell. 42:1

  465. The Nephites were all "Christians", "true believers of Christ" -- 73 or so years before Christ was born, and well over 100 years before the Bible (Acts 11:26) claims the followers of Christ were first called "Christians". 46:13-16

  466. The Nephites were called "Christians" 70 years before Jesus was born. 48:10

  467. "God would prosper them in the land, or in other words, ... God ... would prosper them in the land." 48:15

  468. Amalickiah "was exceedingly wroth" and swore the he would drink Moroni's blood "because Moroni had kept the commandments of God." 49:27

    Helaman

  469. "From the west sea [Pacific], even unto the east [Atlantic]; it being a day's journey for a Nephite." (Nephites could walk 5000 kilometers in one day.) 4:7

  470. The only way anyone can be saved is "through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ." This statement was supposedly made in 30 BCE! 5:9

  471. Lehi and Nephi stood in the middle of a raging fire, but were not burned. 5:23

  472. A voice came from out of the sky saying ... 5:29

  473. The earth shook exceedingly. 5:31

  474. "And behold the voice came again, saying: ..."(And the earth shook again.) 5:32

  475. And the voice came for the third time speaking "marvelous words." And (of course) the earth shook again. 5:33

  476. The faces of Nephi and Lehi "did shine exceedingly." (Just like the faces of angels!) 5:36

  477. Nephi and Lehi "converse with the angels of God." 5:39

  478. Everyone shouted to the voice in the clouds and "the cloud of darkness was dispersed." 5:42

  479. Everyone was encircled with a pillar of fire, yet they were not burned. 5:43

  480. The Holy Spirit came down from heaven and entered the peoples' hearts. "And they could speak forth marvelous words." 5:45

  481. And "a pleasant voice" came from out of the sky, saying ... 5:46

  482. And then the sky opened and angels came out "and ministered unto them." 5:48

  483. Those who reject the word of God (the Bible and Book of Mormon?) and "all the preaching and prophesying" are "grossly wicked". 6:2

  484. The absurd story about the God's fiery serpents and the graven image snakebite cure (Numbers 21:6-8) is repeated here. 8:15

  485. God gives Nephi the power to "smite the earth with famine, and with pestilence, and destruction." 10:6

  486. If Nephi commands a mountain to be "cast down and to become smooth, it shall be done." 10:9

  487. Nephi asks God to send a famine on the land. "And so it was done, according to the words of Nephi. ... And the whole earth was smitten," causing thousands of people to starve to death. 11:4-6

  488. After a couple years of starving thousands of people to death, God finally makes it rain when asked to by Nephi. 11:14-16

  489. Nephi and Lehi had many daily revelations from God. 11:23

  490. "Behold, we are surrounded by demons." 13:37

  491. Another amazing prophecy: In five years the Son of God will come. And this was (according to my motel room version of the BoM) in the year 6 BCE! 14:2

  492. Wow! The night before Jesus was born there were great lights in the sky that made the night as bright as day! 41:3

  493. "And behold this is not all, there shall be many signs and wonders in heaven." 14:6

  494. Jesus Christ is both the Son of God and his own Father! (Or something like that.) 14:12

  495. When Jesus dies (Remember this prophecy was made before Jesus had even been born!) it will be absolutely dark for three days and nights. No sun, moon, stars, candles, or campfires. 14:20, 27

  496. When Jesus dies mountains will become valleys and vice versa, cities destroyed, and dead people will come back to life. 14:23-25

  497. Dwindling in unbelief 15:11, 15

  498. The Spirit of the Lord was with Samuel, so the unbelievers' stones and arrows couldn't hit him. 16:2

  499. "They began to reason ... that it is not reasonable" for Christ to be both the Father and the Son or that such a being would come to earth. And if he does exist, why doesn't he show himself to them? 16:17-18

    3 Nephi

  500. "The unbelievers" set aside a day just to kill believers. (They called it "National kill a believer day.") 1:9

  501. God makes a repetitive and rambling speech announcing his own birth. He says that he'll be born tommorow. And that later that evening "a sign would be given." 1:12-13

  502. And God's prophecy came true! That night "there was no darkness when night came ... but it was as light as thought it was mid-day." 1:15, 19

  503. God removed his curse from the "good" Lamanites (the ones that "united with the Nephites"), and they "became exceedingly fair, with skins "white like unto the Nephites." 2:14-16

  504. All of the Nephites believed everything they'd been told by "all of the holy prophets." 5:1

  505. "And thus had the twenty and second year passed away, and the twenty and third year also, and the twenty and fourth, and the twenty and fifth; and thus had twenty and five years passed away." 5:7

  506. In the name of Jesus, Nephi casts out devils and "unclean spirits". He even raises his brother from the dead. 7:19

  507. When Jesus died, the inhabitants of many great cities died with him. Entire cities were sunk into the ocean, or were burned, or destroyed by earthquakes. 8:8-10, 14

  508. When Jesus died, "the face of the whole earth became deformed." 8:17-18

  509. For three days after Jesus died, there was absolutely no light -- not from the sun, moon, or stars, or from candles, campfires, or fireflies. 8:20-22

  510. And it came to pass that a voice (from the sky) was heard by every human on the planet! 9:1

  511. The sky voice makes a long speech decrying the slaughter of his "fair sons and daughters." (That would be the Nephites. The dark skinned folks are the Lamanites.) 9:2

  512. These words ("I am the Alpha and Omega") are taken from the book of Revelation, which was not written at the time (34 CE). And they wouldn't have meant anything anyway to the Nephites since "alpha" and "omega" would have been greek to them. 9:18

  513. All of the people again heard a disembodied voice from the sky. 10:3

  514. The bodyless, repetitive voice said:
    "How oft have I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings....
    How oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings....
    How oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens....
    How oft will I gather you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings...." 10:4-6

  515. Damned if everyone doesn't hear a voice from the sky again -- for the third time! (See chapters 9 and 10 for the first two speeches by the sky guy.) But they couldn't understand it this time. 11:3

  516. And they hear the voice again (for the fourth time), but again they couldn't understand it. 11:4

  517. "And behold, the third time" (or the fifth?) they heard the voice. But this time they undersood! 11:5

  518. Then the crowd saw a man coming down from the sky! 11:8

  519. "And the Lord said unto him: I give unto you power that ye shall baptize this people."
    Jesus gives Nephi the power to baptize, which is kind of weird since Nephi had baptized pretty much everyone already (see 3 Nephi 1:23, 7:24-26, and 9:20). 11:21

  520. Jesus says that he wants everyone to agree on everything with ragard to religion. He says that whoever argues with anyone about anything is "of the devil." 11:28-29

  521. Jesus' bowels are filled with compassion and mercy. 17:6-7

  522. After they were blessed by Jesus, the disciples became whiter than anything else on earth. 19:25

  523. The disciples were white -- as white as Jesus! 19:30

  524. Some folks "dwindle in unbelief" because of their iniquity. 21:5

  525. Note that "Sun" in Malachi 4:2 is changed to "Son" in the BOM. 25:2

  526. The elements will melt, the earth will be rolled up like a scroll, and heaven and earth will pass away. 26:3

  527. Nothing can stop the followers of Jesus. Prisons can't hold them, fire can't burn them, and wild animals can't harm them. 28:19-22

    4 Nephi

  528. "The thirty and fourth year passed away, and also the thirty and fifth." 1

  529. In the 36th year everyone became a Christian and everyone behaved perfectly. 2

  530. "There were great and marvelous works wrought by the disciples of Jesus."
    The sick, dead, lame, blind, and deaf were all fixed up as good as new. 5

  531. "And thus did the thirty and eighth year pass away, and also the thirty and ninth, and forty and first, and the forty and second, yea, even until forty and nine years had passed away, and also the fifty and first, and the fifty and second; yea, and even until fifty and nine years had passed." 6

  532. "The people of Nephi ... became an exceedingly fair and delightsome people."
    (God especially likes white people.) 10

  533. "There was no contention among all the people, in all the land; but there were mighty miracles." 13

  534. "And it came to pass that the seventy and first year passed away, and also the seventy and second year, yea, and in fine, till the seventy and ninth year had passed away; yea, even an hundred years had passed away."
    (The 71 - 100th years passed.) 14

  535. "There was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people."
    (Everyone loved everyone else.) 15

  536. Everyone was perfectly happy. No lies were told, no murders committed, not a single envious thought or discouraging word could be found among all the people. 16-17

  537. All was well until a few of the people revolted against the church and began to call themselves Lamanites. So there were Lamanites in the land again. 20

  538. The bad guys threw the good guys into furnaces and dens of wild beasts, but the fire didn't burn them and they just played with the beasts. 32-33

    Mormon

  539. "I, being fifteen years of age and being somewhat of a sober mind, therefore I was visited of the Lord, and tasted and knew of the goodness of Jesus." 1:15

  540. "And now, behold, I would speak somewhat unto the remnant of this people who are spared, if it so be that God may give unto them my words, that they may know of the things of their fathers; yea, I speak unto you, ye remnant of the house of Israel; and these are the words which I speak:" 7:1

  541. Mormon wrote a letter to the Lamanite king asking him to fight a war with the Nephites at hill Cumorah (near Manchester, New York). 6:2-5

  542. Mormon decides to write down a record on the plates of Nephi and bury them on hill Cumorah. 6:6

  543. The Lamanites killed 230,000 Nephite soldiers in one day near hill Cumorah. 6:10-15

  544. "If ye believe that ye will believe this also."
    [If you believe the Bible, you will believe anything (including the Book of Mormon).] 7:9

  545. "It [the Book of Mormon] shall be brought out of the earth ... by the power of God." 8:16

  546. "If there be faults [in the Book of Mormon] they be the faults of a man [Joseph Smith]." 8:17

  547. True believers (Mormons) can move mountains, cause earthquakes, destroy prisons, be unharmed by fires, wild beasts, or poisonous snakes. 8:24

  548. God showed Mormon some of the "great and marvelous things" that were soon to come. 8:34

  549. Jesus doesn't do miracles any more because everyone has dwindled in unbelief. 9:20

  550. If you believe in Christ, whatever you ask for will be given to you. 9:21

  551. "These signs shall follow them that believe -- in my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; they shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick and they shall recover." 9:24

  552. The book of Mormon was written in "reformed Egyptian". If the plates had of been larger, Moroni would have used Hebrew and there wouldn't have been so many mistakes. (Reformed Egyptian is a really tricky language.) 9:32-33

  553. Because nobody knows "reformed Egyptian" anymore, God arranged for Joseph Smith to translate them. 9:34

    Ether

  554. Moroni translated the 24 plates that the people of Limri had found. And although he seems to remember some stuff about Adam, the tower of Babel, etc., he decided to leave that part out since you can read all about it in the Bible. 1:2-3

  555. A boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 1:6-32

  556. "Coriantor was the son of Moron."
    Yes, there really is a Moron in the Book of Mormon. 1:7

  557. The Jaredites were Israelites who lived at the time of the Tower of Babel. (Genesis 11:1-9) 1:33

  558. The brother of Jared was a large, mighty (but apparently nameless) man who was "highly favored of the Lord." He cried to the Lord (two times) and the Lord spared the Jaredites from having their language confounded. 1:34-37

  559. "I will go before thee into a land which is choice above all the lands of the earth."
    (God likes the New World a lot better than the Old.) 1:42

  560. "There shall be none greater than the nation which I will raise up unto me of thy seed, upon all the face of the earth." (America is the greatest country on earth.) 1:43

  561. "The Lord came down and talked with the brother of Jared; and he was in a cloud, and the brother of Jared saw him not." 2:4

  562. "The Lord did go before them, and did talk with them as he stood in a cloud, and gave directions whither they should travel." 2:5

  563. "A land ... choice above all other lands ... preserved for a righteous people"
    God likes America best. He made it for a righteous people (the Mormons), and America will face God's wrath if it fails to please him (and them). 2:7-10, 15

  564. "The Lord came again unto the brother of Jared, and stood in a cloud and talked with him. And for the space of three hours did the Lord talk with the brother of Jared." 2:14

  565. Under God's instructions, the Jaredites build small, light barges to travel to the New World. 2:16

  566. "They were exceedingly tight, even that they would hold water like unto a dish; and the bottom thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the sides thereof were tight like unto a dish ... and the top thereof was tight like unto a dish; and the length thereof was the length of a tree; and the door thereof, when it was shut, was tight like unto a dish."
    (It was as tall as a tree and as tight as a dish.) 2:17

  567. "And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared: Behold, thou shalt make a hole in the top, and also in the bottom; and when thou shalt suffer for air thou shalt unstop the hole and receive air. And if it be so that the water come in upon thee, behold, ye shall stop the hole, that ye may not perish in the flood." 2:20

  568. "Ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea." The Jaredites are plunged into "the depths of the sea", but they survive using a magic light that Jesus gives them. 2:24-25

  569. The brother of Jared made 16 small stones, as clear as glass, out of molten rock. He then asked God to touch the stones to make them into lights to light up the inside of the barges. God did as the brother of Jared requested. 3:1-6

  570. "The brother of Jared ... saw the finger of the Lord; and it was as the finger of a man." 3:6

  571. "I [Jared] saw the finger of the Lord, and I feared lest he should smite me; for I knew not that the Lord had flesh and blood." 3:8

  572. "Because of thy faith thou hast seen ... Sawest thou more than this?"
    God let Jared see his finger. But God isn't sure what else he might have seen, so he asked, "You didn't see anything else, did you?" 3:9

  573. "Behold, the Lord showed himself unto him [the brother of Jared]." 3:13

  574. "Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son."
    Jesus is both the Father and the Son! 3:14

  575. "Never have I showed myself unto man whom I have created, for never has man believed in me as thou hast." 3:15

  576. "Behold, this body, which ye now behold, is the body of my spirit."
    Shucks! The body of God that the brother of Jared saw was just God's spirit body, not his real body. 3:16

  577. "He [the brother of Jared] saw the finger of Jesus ... and he had faith no longer, for he knew, nothing doubting." 3:19

  578. "Ye shall write them in a language that they cannot be read."
    God tells the brother of Jared to write his scriptures in a language that no one can read. (Good idea!) 3:22

  579. "These stones shall magnify to the eyes of men these things which ye shall write."
    God gives the brother of Jared two magic stones that will "magnify the eyes of men" so that they can read what Jared writes. 3:23-24

  580. Jesus shows the brother of Jared every human that has lived or ever will live. 3:25

  581. "And he commanded me that I should seal them up; and he also hath commanded that I should seal up the interpretation thereof; wherefore I have sealed up the interpreters, according to the commandment of the Lord." (Moroni sealed up the interpreters.) 4:5

  582. Everything good comes from Jesus. 4:12

  583. "For behold, I am the Father."
    Jesus is both the Father and the Son.
    (He is his own dad.) 4:12

  584. Those who disbelieve in the Book of Mormon are in an "awful state of wickedness." 4:15

  585. "In the mouth of three witnesses shall these things be established."
    Who were the three witnesses? The three men that I admire most, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost? (Didn't they take the last train to the coast?) 5:3-4

  586. God's magic stones were put into the barges, "and behold, they did give light unto the vessels." 6:2-3

  587. "I am fair, and I will dance before him, and I will please him.... I will give her if ye will bring unto me the head of my father the king."
    Gosh, I wonder where this came from? (Matthew 14:6-11) 8:10-12

  588. Avoid all those secret, abominable, murderous, wicked oaths and combinations passed down since the time of Cain. If you don't, God will have to kill you. 8:15-24

  589. More "secret combinations" 9:1

  590. "The Lord warned Omer in a dream." 9:3

  591. "The Lord did pour out his blessings upon this land, which was choice above all other lands." 9:20

  592. "Coriantum took to wife, in his old age, a young maid, and begat sons and daughters; wherefore he lived until he was an hundred and forty and two years old." 9:24

  593. "There came forth poisonous serpents also upon the face of the land, and did poison many people." 9:31

  594. "Lib also did that which was good in the sight of the Lord. And ... the poisonous serpents were destroyed." 10:19

  595. "A land that was choice above all lands, for the Lord had spoken it." 10:28

  596. To punish the people for "their wicked combinations," God sent wars, famines, and pestilences. The resulting destruction was the greatest ever seen on the face of the earth -- greater than the flood of Noah, the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, or World War II. Yet there is no evidence for any of this today. 11:7

  597. Moron did that which was wicked before the Lord." 11:14

  598. "They did reject all the words of the prophets, because of their secret society." 11:22

  599. "And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things..."
    Don't you just love the way people talk in the Book of Mormon? 12:6

  600. "When God put forth his finger he could not hide it from the sight of the brother of Jared." 12:20

  601. "The Gentiles will mock at these things, because of our weakness in writing." 12:23-25

  602. The brother of Jared said unto the mountain Zerin, Remove -- and it was removed." 12:30

  603. "The brother of Shared ... received great strength to his army because of secret combinations." 14:8

  604. "One of the secret combinations murdered him in a secret pass." 14:10

  605. "And the scent thereof went forth upon the face of the land, even upon all the face of the land; wherefore the people became troubled by day and by night, because of the scent thereof."
    (It stank!) 14:23

  606. "There had been slain two millions of mighty men, and also their wives and their children." Millions of people were "slain by the sword", yet no swords have ever been found from pre-Columbian America. 15:2

  607. Millions of Jaredites kill each other in battle, leaving only their two leaders alive: Coriantumr and Shiz. Coriantur cuts of the head of Shiz (with his non-existent sword, of course) and then dies. Don't you just love a happy ending? 15:30-32

    Moroni

  608. "Whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil." 7:17

  609. "Many of the daughters of the Lamanites have they taken prisoners; and after depriving them of that which was most dear and precious above all things, which is chastity and virtue."
    Chastity (for women) is "most dear and precious above all things." It is lost if they are raped.
    This is the first scripture that young women are taught by the LDS church at the Young Woman's Personal Progress Program.

  610. The Promise of Moroni
    "Ask God ... if these things are not true." 10:3-5

  611. "Nothing that is good denieth the Christ." 10:6

  612. Everything good comes from God and belief in God. Whatever is evil comes from unbelief. 10:24-25

  613. "Touch not the evil gift, nor the unclean thing." 10:30