Apocrypha: Cruelty


    1 Machabees

  1. Mathathias showed his "zeal for the law" by murdering a man on the altar along with an officer of Antiochus. 2:24-25

  2. Matthathias and his friends gathered an army, slew the sinners, threw down altars, and valiantly circumcised all the uncircumcised children they could find. 2:39-48

  3. Before he dies, Mathathias praises some of the nastiest characters in the Bible: Abraham, Phineas, David, Joshua (Jesus) and Elijah (Elias). 2:52-58

  4. "Revenge ye the wrong of your people ... Render to the Gentiles their reward."
    Take revenge on the Gentiles. Kill them all. 2:67-68

  5. Judas Machabeus replaced his father (Mathathias) as the leader of the Jewish terrorists. His first act was to burn "them that troubled his people" (with fire). 3:1-5

  6. "He went through the cities of Juda, and destroyed the wicked out of them." 3:8

  7. Seron, the captain of the Syrian army, heard about Judas (as had everyone on earth). He collected a large army of wicked men to fight Judas. When Judas' smaller army saw the Syrians, they were frightened. But Judas told them not to worry. Because success in war depends not on numbers, but on God. "The Lord himself will overthrow them." 3:13

  8. "As soon as he had made an end of speaking, he rushed suddenly upon them: and Seron and his host were overthrown before him ... and there fell of them eight hundred men." 3:23-24

  9. Judas and his completely unarmed valiant men defeat 5000 well-armed soldiers. Judas told his men not to do anything; God would do the killing for them. And he did. God killed 3000 Gentile soldiers, and Judas and his men enriched themselves with the booty. 4:1-24

  10. Judas asks God to help him kill more Gentiles, and God delivers another 5000. 4:28-34

  11. Judas and his brothers killed some animals for God to thank him for helping them slaughter the Gentiles. 5:54

  12. Then Judas and his brethren attacked the children of Esau, burned walls and towers in Chebron, destroyed the all the altars and statues in the land of the aliens and strangers, and took the spoils of their cities. 5:65-68

  13. The Israelite priests weep and pray in the temple, asking God to let Nicanor and his army fall by the sword for their blasphemies. 7:36-38

  14. Judas asked God to kill the Nicanor's soldiers the way he killed 185,000 in Sennacherib's army. (Sennacherib supposedly blasphemed God, so God killed 185,000 of his soldiers while they were sleeping. Very resourceful!) 7:40-42

  15. So God helped Judas kill Nicanor and his army. First they killed Nicanor and the rest was easy. All of Nicanor's soldiers threw down their weapons and ran away. The Israelites slaughtered them all as they ran. Then they cut off Nicanor's head and hand and hung them up over Jerusalem. "And the people rejoiced exceedingly, and they spent that day with great joy." (Nothing can cheer God's people up more than a hanging head and hand.) 7:43-48

  16. Jonathan's army, with God's help, kills 1000 of Bachides' soldiers. 9:44-49

  17. "Jonathan ... struck Odares, and his brethren, and the children of Phaseron in their tents, and he began to slay, and to increase in forces. 9:65-66
  18. "Simon ... fought against Bacchides, and he was discomfited by them: and they afflicted him exceedingly." 9:67-68
  19. "He [Simon] was angry with the wicked men that had given him counsel to come into their country, and he slew many of them." 9:69
  20. "Jonathan ... destroyed the wicked out of Israel." 9:73

  21. "Jonathan set fire to Azotus, and the cities that were around it, and took the spoils of them, and the temple of Dagon: and all them that were fled into it, he burnt with fire." 10:84
  22. "The Jews ... slew in that day a hundred thousand men, and they set fire to the city, and got many spoils that day, and delivered the king." 11:47-48
  23. Jonathan rends his clothes, casts dirt on his head, and prays. Then he goes and kills 3000 men, presumably with God's help. 11:71-74

  24. "We have had help from heaven, and we have been delivered, and our enemies are humbled."
    God helped the Jews kill their enemies. 12:15

  25. Simon teaches his children well, telling them that God will help them fight holy wars. 16:2-3

  26. Simon's son, John, burned 2000 men to death. (Whith God's help?) 16:9-10

  27. Simon and his sons (Mathathias and Judas) were killed by Ptolemee and his men after they "had drunk plentifully." Then Ptolemee sent someone to kill John, but John killed the killer instead. 16:16-22

    2 Machabees

  28. According to this (false) story, Antiochus and his men were smashed by stones, dismembered, and decaptitaed in the temple -- with God's help and approval, of course. 1:16-17

  29. "Andronicus ... the sacrilegious wretch should be put to death, the Lord repaying him his deserved punishment." 4:39

  30. "Lysimachus ... as for the sacrilegious fellow himself, they slew him beside the treasury." 4:41-42

  31. A mother and her seven sons are tortured to death for refusing to eat pork. The mother watches and encourages her sons to "die manfully" as, one by one, their flesh is ripped off and they are fried in the king's frying pan. Finally, the king finished the torture fest off with the mother.
    God enjoyed the tortured death of the seven sons just as much as their mother. After all, they deserved what they got. Still God will torment the tormentor (and all of his descendants) even more. 7:1-42

  32. Judas Machabeus assembles 6,000 men to kill Gentiles, with the help of God. 8:1-2

  33. Judas burned towns and cities, slaughtering the inhabitants. 8:6

  34. Judas reminds his soldiers that God killed hundreds of thousands of people in the past, and he could kill everyone on earth if he wanted to, so he'll be glad to kill thousands of people for them, too. 8:18-20

  35. God helped Judas kill more than nine thousand soldiers in Nicanor's army. 8:24

  36. "Moreover they slew above twenty thousand of them that were with Timotheus and Bacchides." 8:30

  37. "They slew also Philarches ... a wicked man." 8:32

  38. They burned to death Callisthenes since he was an impious man. (Impious men deserve to be burned to death.) 8:33

  39. Antiochus drives his chariot non-stop to Jerusalem. But before he gets there, God gives him "an incurable and invisible plague" that caused "a dreadful pain in his bowels ... and bitter torments of the inner parts." 9:1-5

  40. "And indeed very justly, seeing he had tormented the bowels of others."
    (If you torment the bowels of others, God will torment your bowels as well.) 9:6

    While Antiochus suffered from his God-given bowel disease, worms swarmed out of his body, "his flesh fell off, and the filthiness of his smell was noisome." No one could get near him because of the "intolerable stench." 9:9-12

  41. Antiochus becomes a Jew and prays to God for mercy. But God ignored his prayers and killed him anyway. (See verse 28.) 9:13-17

  42. Judas asked God to help him attack the Idumeans. And together, God and Judas killed more than 20,000. 10:16-17

  43. Some Gentiles escaped to two towers, and Simon's men let some of them escape. When Judas found out, he killed men who allowed the escape and killed more than 20,000 in the twin towers. 10:18-23

  44. Judas and his companions sprinkled dirt on their heads, gird their loins with haircloth, and begged God to help them kill some more Gentiles. 10:25-26

  45. When the Jews attacked the Gentiles they had God on their side. To prove it, God sent from heaven five men on horses, who cast darts and fireballs at the Gentiles, confounding them with blindness and filling them with trouble, and killing 20,500 soldiers and 600 horsemen. 10:28-31

  46. Timotheus fled to a strong hold, where he and his companions "blasphemed exceedingly, and cast forth abominable words. Twenty of Judas's young men were especially offended by their bad language, so they burned the blasphemers alive. After that, they blessed the Lord who helped them burn Gentiles alive. 10:32-38

  47. The Jews attacked like lions, killing 11,000 footmen and 1,600 horsemen. The Greek survivors ran away naked, including Lysias. 11:11-12

  48. The men of Joppe forced some Jewish women and children onto boats and then drowned them all. To pay them back, Judas burned the city and their boats, and killed those that escaped from the fire. 12:3-6

  49. Judas heard that the men of Jamnia were going to do like the Joppites did to the Jewish women and children, so he burned their city and ships, too. 12:8-9

  50. Judas and his armny were attacked by Arabians with 5000 footmen and 500 horsemen. But the Jews had God on their side so they got the victory. 12:10-11

  51. The inhabitants of the city of Casphin provoked Judas by blaspheming, so Judas "by the will of the Lord ... made an unspeakable slaughter," so that there was a river of blood six miles across. 12:13-16

  52. "Dositheus, and Sosipater, who were captains with Machabeus, slew them that were left by Timotheus in the hold, to the number of ten thousand men." 12:19

  53. Judas' enemies were struck with fear by the presence of God and started killing each other. Judas finished "the profane" survivors off by killing 30,000 with their own swords. 12:22-23

  54. "Then Judas went away to Carnion, where he slew five and twenty thousand persons." 12:26

  55. "When they had invocated the Almighty, who with his power breaketh the strength of the enemies, they took the city; and slew five and twenty thousand of them that were within." 12:28

  56. "Then beginning in his own language, and singing hymns with a loud voice, he put Gorgias' soldiers to flight." 12:37

  57. "They found under the coats of they slain some of the donaries of the idols of Jamnia, which the law forbiddeth to the Jews: so that all plainly saw, that for this cause they were slain." 12:40

  58. "The most valiant Judas exhorted the people to keep themselves from sin, forasmuch as they saw before their eyes what had happened, because of the sins of those that were slain." 12:42

  59. God ("the King of Kings") inspired Antiochus and Lysias to kill Menelaus (the "sinner", "transgressor", and "sacrilegious wretch") by throwing him off a 75-foot tower. 13:4-8

  60. "So committing all to God ... having exhorted his people to fight manfully" using the watchword "the victory of God", Judas killed 4000 men and "the greatest of the elephants." "All this was done ... by the protection and help of the Lord." 13:14-17

  61. After Onias prayed for the people, Jeremiah the prophet showed up, delivering to Judas a gift from God: a holy, golden, gentile-killing sword. 15:12-16

  62. Judas reminds the people of how good God is at killing people. After all, didn't he send an angel to kill 185,000 sleeping soldiers? Maybe, if they ask him nicely, he'll send another "good angel" to terrorize and kill blasphemers again. 15:21-24

  63. So the Jews prayed with their hearts and fought with their hands, killing 35,000, while "being greatly cheered with the presence of God." 15:26-27

  64. When the Jews found out that Nicanor had been killed, "they made a great noise and Blessed the Almighty Lord." 15:28-29

  65. Judas commanded that Nicanor's head and shoulder be cut off and carried to Jerusalem. 15:30

  66. Judas showed everyone Nicanor's head and "wicked hand." Then he had his tongue cut out and fed, piece by piece, to the birds. Finally, he hung his hand and head over the temple and castle, respectively, as "an evident and manifest sign of the help of God." 15:32-35

    Baruch

  67. "The Lord would bring upon us great evils ... that a man should eat the flesh of his own son, and the flesh of his own daughter." 2:2-3

  68. Because the Israelites didn't obeying him, God delivered them to their enemies' hand. 2:4-5

  69. God sends us evil, "for the Lord is just in all his works." 2:7-9

  70. "Thou hast sent out thy wrath, and thy indignation upon us." 2:20

    Esther

  71. "God hath done these things."
    The apocrypha to the rescue! The original (Hebrew) book of Esther was completely godless, so the genocides arranged by Esther and Mordecai (Mardochai in the Douay-Rheims) could not be attributed to God. But the first line of the apocryphal text takes care of that: "God hath done all these things." (Who else would be so damned nasty?) 10:4

  72. "The Lord remembered his people."
    (By having them murder thousands of people.) 10:10

  73. "The nation of the just ... cried to God ... and they devoured the glorious."
    "The nation of the just" is, of course, the Jews. They cry to God and God helps them kill everyone else. 11:9-11

  74. "What God would do?"
    (He would help the Jews kill non-Jews.) 11:12

  75. Esther calls upon God and God softens the king's heart (so that he'd murder thousands of non-Jews). 15:3-11

  76. The king decrees that Haman and his family shall hang; that everyone in the kingdom who wanted to kill the Jews shall be killed; that whoever refuses to kill the people that wanted to kill Jews will be killed by sword and fire; and that everyone will celebrate the killing of the wannabe Jew killers forever. 16:10-18

    Judith

  77. "The Lord our God will require our blood of the afflictions of our enemies, and he will humble all the nations that shall rise up against us, and bring them to disgrace." 8:20

  78. The Israelites murmured against the Lord, so God sent snakes to bite and kill them. 8:24-25

  79. "O Lord God of my father Simeon, who gavest him a sword to execute vengeance against strangers, who had defiled by their uncleanness, and uncovered the virgin unto confusion: And who gavest their wives to be made a prey, and their daughters into captivity ... who were zealous with thy zeal: assist ... me."
    God not only approved of the Shechem massacre, he gave Simeon the sword to do it with. Judith asks God to help her to go and do likewise. 9:2-3

  80. "Give me constancy in my mind, that I may despise him ... For this will be a glorious monument for thy name, when he shall fall by the hand of a woman." 9:14-15

  81. Judith, with God's approval and assistance, decapitated Holfernes while he slept. 13:2-11

  82. Judith shows off the head of Holofernes, assuring everyone that no sex was involved in the performance of the murderous deed. 13:17-20

  83. "God ... hath cut off the head of all the unbelievers this night by my hand." 13:27-20

  84. Judith tells the Israelites to hang Holofernes' head up on the wall. 14:1

  85. Judith tells the Israelite army that the Assyrian captains will freak out when the see the headless Holofernes wallowing about in his own blood. That's when, she says, the Israelites should attack, knowing that God will kill the Assyrians for them. 14:4-5

  86. The Israelites hang Holofernes head on the wall, gathered their weapons, and set out "with a great noise and shouting." 14:7

  87. The Assyrian army ran away after hearing about the headless Holfernes, and the Israelites (with God's help) slaughtered them as they ran, taking all their stuff and giving it to Judith -- the forever blessed, glory of Jerusalem and joy of Israel. (God gave Judith the strength to behead a sleeping man to reward her for not having sex after her husband died.) 15:1-15

  88. Judith sings a song of praise to herself for cutting off a sleeping man's head. 16:1-28

    Tobit

  89. Because of King Sennacherib's blasphemy, God slaughtered lots of Israelites, which Tobias, the patron saint of undertakers, buried. 1:21

  90. God blinded Tobias Sr. by having a swallow's nest fall on his eyes, as a Job-like example. 2:11-12

  91. God plans to kill everyone in the city of Niniveh. 14:6

    Wisdom

  92. Torture and kill whoever claims to be the son of God. (Jesus got what he deserved according to the book of Wisdom.) 2:19-20

  93. "Dreadful are the ends of a wicked race." 3:19
  94. Such things as these the sinners said in hell 5:14
  95. "He will sharpen his severe wrath for a spear." 5:21
  96. "She delivered the just man [Lot]" and killed everyone else with fire and brimstone. (Genesis 19:24) 10:6
  97. Instead of a fountain of an ever running river, thou gavest human blood to the unjust. (Exodus 17:17-24) 11:7
  98. God tormented the wicked adversaries of the Israelites, whether present or absent. 11:9-12
  99. God sent bears, lions, and unknown fire-breathing beasts, sending out stinking smoke or shooting sparks from their eyes. 11:16-20
  100. God sent wasps to slowly destroy people "by little and little." (He could have killed them with war, or cruel beasts, or with just a "rough word" or two, but he decided to use wasps instead.) 12:8-9
  101. "It was a cursed seed from the beginning: neither didst thou for fear of any one give pardon to their sins." 12:11
  102. God torments people who have foolish religious beliefs. 12:23
  103. "That which is made, together with him that made it, shall suffer torments."
    God will somehow torment the art along with the artist. 14:10