Apocrypha: Boring Stuff


    1 Machabees

  1. More boring wars between the Greeks and the Jews. There's lots of killing here, but since the story doesn't give God credit, I won't either. I'd skip it if I were you -- except for the cool stuff about the amazing elephants in verses 30-37. 6:1-63

  2. "In the mean time...."
    There's lots of killing in this chapter, but not much that can be blamed on God. The battle with Bacchides is the only exception, where Judas's army, with God's help, kills 1000 of Bachides' soldiers.
    There is only one other thing worth mentioning here. Judas dies (Thank goodness!) and his brother Jonathan takes over overseeing God's killings. "And Jonathan ... destroyed the wicked out of Israel." 9:1-73

  3. Boring letters and Godless battles. Nothing to see here. 10:1-89

  4. More boring messages and Godless battles. 11:1-70

  5. Even more boring letters and (more of less) Godless wars. 12:1-54

  6. Still more boring letters and (more of less) Godless wars. 13:1-54

  7. The glories of Simon 14:1-49

  8. Will the boring letters and silly wars ever stop? 15:1-41

    2 Machabees

  9. 2 Maccabees starts out like the last half 1 Maccabees -- with another boring letter. 1:1-15

  10. Oh boy! More commentaries, speeches, letters, memoirs, and messages! 2:1-33

  11. "Therefore when the holy city was inhabited with all peace, and the laws as yet were very well kept...." 3:1-15

  12. Oh Jesus! Another boring letter. 9:18-27

  13. After writing a boring letter to the Jews, Antiochus "died a miserable death" from his God-given bowel disease. 9:28

  14. Four more boring letters! 11:16-38

    Baruch

  15. Baruch (the son of Neias, the son of Maasias, the son of Sedicias, the son of Sedei, the son of Helcias) read a horrendously boring book to all the people. "And when they heard it they wept."1:1-22

  16. "Put off, O Jerusalem, the garment of thy mourning....." 5:1-9

  17. The book of Baruch ends with a long boring warning to the Jews. Don't even look at any other gods, or God will enslave you for another seven generations. 6:3-72