Apocrypha / Deuterocanonical Books

1 Maccabees (Douay-Reims Bible)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16

Cruelty and Violence
Boring Stuff

Dwindling in Unbelief


1 Maccabees: Absurdity

  1. When Antiochus attacked Jerusalem and desecrated the temple, "the beauty of the women was changed." 1:27

  2. "Mathathias and his sons rent their garments, and they covered themselves with haircloth." 2:14

  3. Matthathias and his friends gathered an army, slew the sinners, threw down altars, and valiantly circumcised all the uncircumcised children they could find. "And they yielded not the horn to the sinner." 2:39-48

  4. Before he dies, Mathathias praises some of the nastiest characters in the Bible: Abraham, Phineas, David, Joshua (Jesus) and Elijah (Elias). 2:52-58

  5. "He was renowned even to the utmost part of the earth."
    OK. That's a bit of an exaggeration. 3:9

  6. Seron, the captain of the Syrian army, heard about Judas (as had everyone on earth). He collected a large army of wicked men to fight Judas. When Judas' smaller army saw the Syrians, they were frightened. But Judas told them not to worry. Because success in war depends not on numbers, but on God. "The Lord himself will overthrow them." 3:13

  7. "As soon as he had made an end of speaking, he rushed suddenly upon them: and Seron and his host were overthrown before him ... and there fell of them eight hundred men." 3:23-24

  8. The entire world was afraid of Judas! 3:25-26

  9. Judas and the Israelites prepare for war by putting on haircloth, putting ashes on their heads, rending their garments, blowing a trumpet, and crying together with a loud, long, boring prayer to heaven. 3:47-54

  10. Judas and his completely unarmed valiant men defeat 5000 well-armed soldiers. Judas told his men not to do anything; God would do the killing for them. And he did. God killed 3000 Gentile soldiers, and Judas and his men enriched themselves with the booty. 4:1-24

  11. After God "discomfited" the Gentiles, Judas and his brethren went to clean up the Temple in Jerusalem. They found it a bit of a mess. So they did the usual things that Jews do when they get upset: they rent their garments, put ashes on their heads, and fell on their faces. 4:36-40

  12. "And all the people fell upon their faces." 4:55

  13. Judas and his brothers killed some animals for God to thank him for helping them slaughter the Gentiles. 5:54

  14. When Joseph and Azarias hear about the Maccabees brothers' killings, they decide to "get themselves a name" killing Gentiles. But it doesn't work out so well. 2000 Israelites died because Joseph and Azarias didn't hearken to Judas and "were not of the seed of those men by whom salvation was brought to Israel." 5:56-62

  15. The Greek army had 100,000 footmen and 20,000 horsemen, along with 32 elephants. Each elephant was accompanied by 1000 soldiers and 500 horsemen. There was a tower on top of each elephant with an engine on top of the tower and 32 valiant men fighting on top of the tower. 6:30-37

  16. "And they shewed the elephants the blood of grapes, and mulberries to provoke them to fight."
    If you want to make an elephant really mad, show him the blood of grapes and mulberries. 6:34

  17. Eleazar saw an elephant that was bigger than all the others. Since it was so big, he figured the king ought to be on it. So he ran up to the elephant, killing soldiers left and right, going between the feet of the big elephant and killing it. Whereupon the elephant fell on him and killed him too. But at least he got himself an everlasting name. (It was probably a lot like this.) 6:43-46

  18. Judas Machabeus goes to Rome and makes a treaty with the Romans, who are perfect in every way. 8:1-26

  19. "This is the copy of the writing that they wrote back again, graven in tables of brass." (Just like in the Book of Mormon!) 8:22

  20. "Jonathan rent his garments, and cast earth upon his head." 11:71

  21. "We rejoice at your glory."
    The Jews rejoiced at the glory of the Roman Empire. 12:12

  22. "We have had help from heaven, and we have been delivered, and our enemies are humbled."
    God helped the Jews kill their enemies. 12:15

  23. Isn't it amazing how everyone in Israel speaks with a single voice at the same time?
    "The people ... answered with a loud voice, saying: Thou art our leader in the place of Judas, and Jonathan thy brother. Fight thou our battles, and we will do whatsoever thou shalt say to us." 13:7-9

  24. "They that were in the city went up with their wives and children upon the wall, with their garments rent." 13:45

  25. "Every man sat under his vine, and under his fig tree." 14:12

  26. "They wrote to him in tables of brass." (Just like in the Book of Mormon!) 14:18

  27. "A great shield of gold the weight of a thousand pounds" 14:24

  28. "It should not be lawful for any of the people ... to be clothed with purple, or to wear a buckle of gold." 14:44

  29. "And they commanded that this writing should be put in tables of brass." 14:48

  30. "And they brought also a shield of gold of a thousand pounds." 15:18