Absurdities in Acts

1. Those who heard the apostles speaking in tongues thought they were drunk.  2:13

2. Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living in "the last days." 2:17

3. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood."
   It happens with every solar or lunar eclipse. 2:20

4. Jesus did a little time in hell. I'm not sure what for. 2:31

5. The early Christians were the first communists, living a life that was the exact opposite of George Bush's "ownership society." 2:44-45

6. "Peter and John ... were unlearned and ignorant men." 4:13

7. "When they had prayed, the place was shaken." 4:31

8. The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16

9. A group of Christian communists were released from jail by an angel. 5:19

10. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 7:36, 13:18

11. Philip made "unclean spirits" scream as they left the bodies of the people they possessed. 8:7

12. The Spirit caught Philip and transported him to a city miles away. 8:39-40

13. Peter raises Tabitha from the dead. 9:36-40

14. Peter has a dream in which God show him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." The voice (God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13

15. Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38

16. Peter describes the vision that he had in the last chapter (10:10-13). All kinds of beasts, creeping things, and fowls drop down from the sky in a big sheet, and a voice (God's, Satan's?) tells him to "Arise, Peter; slay and eat." 11:5-6

17. Open Sesame
    "They came unto the iron gate that leadeth unto the city; which opened to them of his own accord." 12:10

18. "It is his angel."
    The Christians pray for Peter, but when he shows up, they don't believe it. They think he was "his angel" instead. (Everyone has an angel that looks just like them.) 12:12-15

19. "And the people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man."
    When Herod gave his speech the people shouted, "It is the voice of God, and not a man." 12:20

20. "Then the deputy, when he saw what was done, believed."
    When the deputy saw that God could (through Paul) make people blind, he believed. (Who else shows off their power by blinding people?) 13:12

21. David was "a man after [God's] own heart." 13:22

22. The author of Acts talks about the "sure mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful. For an example of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31 and 1 Chr.20:3, where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of several cities. 13:34

23. The people of Lystra thought Paul and Barnabas were the gods, Jupiter and Mercurius. 14:11-12

24. Paul "was forbidden of the Holy Ghost to preach the word in Asia." 16:6

25. Paul meets "a certain damsel possessed with a spirit of divination." 16:16

26. Paul and Silas were rescued by an earthquake that opened all the doors of the prison. The same thing happens in The Da Vinci Code where the character involved even receives a new name (Silas) to commemorate the event. 16:26

27. The philosophers in Athens considered Paul a "babbler" who worshipped strange gods. 17:18

28. Paul, a guy who converted to Christianity because he heard voices, calls the Greeks too darned superstitious. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! 17:22

29. God winked at ignorance. 17:30

30. "The school of Tyrannus" is the only school that is ever mentioned in the Bible. 19:9

31. After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word of the Lord! 19:10

32. Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12

33. Evil spirits know Jesus and Paul. They also jump on people and strip them of their clothes. 19:15-16

34. A great multitude cry out "all with one voice" for two hours saying, "Great is Diana of the Ephesians." 19:34

35. Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. But Paul raised him back to life by falling on and embracing him. 20:9-12

36. "A certain prophet, named Agabus ... took Paul's girdle, and bound his own hands an feet." 21:10-11

37. Paul, that "pestilent fellow," is described as a "ringleader of the sect of Nazarenes." 24:5

38. Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The "barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought he must be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought him to be a god since he didn't die. 28:3-6

39. By praying and touching the sick people of Malta, Paul cures them of their diseases. 28:8-9

40. The Jews of Rome refer to Paul's religion as a sect. 28:22