Absurdity
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Absurdities in the Old Testament

    Genesis

  1. God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). 1:3-5

  2. God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8

  3. Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11

  4. In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used "for signs". This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14

  5. "He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16

  6. "And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth." 1:17

  7. God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over ... every living thing that moveth upon the earth."  1:28

  8. "I have given you every herb ... and every tree ... for meat."
    Since many plants have evolved poisons to protect against animals that would like to eat them, God's advice is more than a little reckless. Would you tell your children to go out in the garden and eat whatever plants they encounter? Of course not. But then, you are much nicer and smarter than God. 1:29

  9. "He rested."
    Even God gets tired sometimes. 2:2

  10. "The tree of life ... and the tree of knowledge of good and evil."
    God created two magic trees: the tree of life and the tree of knowledge. Eat from the the first, and you live forever (3:22); eat from the second and you'll die the same day (2:17). (Or that's what God said, anyway. Adam ate from the tree of knowledge and lived for another 930 years or so (5:5). But he never got a change to eat from the tree of life. God prevented him from eating from the tree of life before Adam could eat from the tree, become a god, and live forever.) 2:9

  11. God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.) After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-20

  12. God's clever, talking serpent.  3:1
  13. God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a little hide and seek with Adam and Eve. 3:8-11

  14. God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14

  15. God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. 3:17-18

  16. God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and Eve. 3:21

  17. "Behold, the man is become as one of us."
    God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life. God knows that if they do that, they well become "like one of us" and live forever. 3:22-24

  18. Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall slay me." This is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14

  19. "And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16

  20.  "And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? 4:17
  21. Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be punished sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24

  22. "And to Seth ... was born a son." Where'd he find his wife? 4:26

  23. God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam." So the woman's name was Adam, too! 5:2

  24. The first men had incredibly long life spans. 5:5, 5:8, 5:11, 5:14, 5:17, 5:20, 5:23, 5:27, 5:31, 9:29

  25. Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven. 5:21-24

  26. When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at the time of Lamech's birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25

  27. When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons.
    [Three sons in one year? Was that with one (nameless) wife or several?] 5:32

  28. "The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men."
    The "sons of God" had sex with the "daughters of men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2-4
  29. "The LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh."
    God shortened the human lifespan to 120 years because humans are "flesh" and he was tired of fighting with them. 6:3

  30. "There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4
  31. God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil. Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5

  32. God repents. 6:6-7
  33. "Noah was a just man and perfect."
    Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but he didn't seem so perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21). 6:9, 7:1

  34. "Behold, I will destroy them with the earth."
    God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed every living thing to make the world less violent. 6:11-13

  35. Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15

  36. God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in the 450 foot ark for ventilation. 6:16

  37. "And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten ... for thee, and for them." 6:21

  38. "Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens."
    How did Noah know which animals were "clean" and "unclean" to God? (It wasn't defined until Leviticus was written.) 7:2

  39. Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8

  40. God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains. 7:11

  41. All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14

  42. "And God remembered Noah."
    Yeah. He probably said something like, "Isn't Noah the guy who built the ark?" 8:1

  43. "The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2

  44. Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11

  45. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor."
    Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor." After this God "said in his heart" that he'd never do it again because "man's heart is evil from his youth." So God killed all living things (6:5) because humans are evil, and then promises not to do it again (8:21) because humans are evil. The mind of God is a frightening thing. 8:20-21

  46. According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2

  47. "Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered."
    God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2

  48. God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown them all again. He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he sees it, it will remind him of his promise so that he won't be tempted to do it again. (Every time God sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh, yeah.... That's right. I promised not to drown the animals again. I guess I'll have to find something else to do."). 9:9-13

  49. "Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent."
    Noah, the drunk and naked.  9:20-21
  50. The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring genealogies (see 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1:1-17, Lk.3:23-28 for other examples) that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 10:1-32

  51. "Now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do."
    God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6

  52. God says, "Let us go down ..." Maybe he hasn't been talking to himself; maybe there is more than one of them up there. Well, however many there may be, they all decide to come down to confuse the builders by confounding human language and scattering them [humans] abroad. 11:7

  53. Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") Also note the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32

  54. "I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee."
    God will beless you if you bless Abraham and curse you if you curse Abraham. Fuck Abraham. 12:3

  55. The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they descended) was born. Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Gen.36:12). 14:7

  56. "And Abram fell on his face." 17:3

  57. Abraham laughs at God for telling him that he and Sarah will have a child, when they are 100 and 90 years old, respectively. 17:17

  58. Abraham circumcises himself and all of the males in his household. Since he supposedly had 318 slaves back in 14:14, poor old Abe must have been pretty busy with his knife. But it was worth it. Penises are supremely important to God. And he can't stand foreskins. 17:23-24

  59. Abraham feeds God and three angels. 18:1-4

  60. "He took butter, and milk, and the calf ... and they did eat."
    Not a very kosher meal for God and Abraham to eat! (See Exodus 23:19) 18:8

  61. Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14

  62. God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham. 18:17

  63. "I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
    I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19. Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32

  64. "And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33

  65. The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5

  66. Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)] offers his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers.  19:8
  67. Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14

  68. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26
  69. Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38

  70. Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.) 20:2

  71. "The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2

  72. These verses suggest that Ishmael was an infant when his father abandoned him, yet according to Gen.17:25 and Gen.21:5-8 he must have been about 16 years old. It must have been tough for poor Hagar to carry Ishmael on her shoulder and to then "cast him under one of the shrubs." 21:14-18

  73. Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after Jehovah. But according to Exodus 6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that God's name was Jehovah. 22:14

  74. God swears to himself. 22:16

  75. Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old (Gen.21:1-2, Rom.4:19, Heb.11:12). But here, when he is even older, he manages to have six more children without any help from God. 25:2

  76. Abraham lived to be 175 years old. 25:7

  77. Ishmael lived 137 years. 25:17

  78. "She was barren."
    In the Bible it's always the woman that are "barren", never the men. And when God "opens their womb," the resulting babies are always little boys. 25:21-26

  79. Esau and Jacob were already fighting each other in the womb. 25:22

  80. Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for a bit of bread and a bowl of lentil soup. 25:33-34

  81. Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so effectively on the same king Abimelech. (see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7

  82. Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before meeting Rachel. Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he names Bethel again. (And it was called Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and 13:3.) 28:19

  83. Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30

  84. Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake.  29:23, 25
  85. "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:4

  86. Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9

  87. Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob cam home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16

  88. And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she conceived and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22

  89. Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27

  90. Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39

  91. God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12

  92. Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel to signify that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." 32:24-30

  93. Unable to beat Jacob in a fair fight, God dislocates Jacob's leg. 32:25

  94. God begs Jacobs to let him go, but Jacob says, "Not unless you bless me." So God blessed Jacob and Jacob let God go. 32:26-29

  95. "What is thy name?" (God didn't know Jacob's name.) 32:27

  96. God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway. And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28

  97. "Tell me, I pray thee, thy name."
    God refuses to tell Jacob his name. (It's a secret.) 32:29

  98. "Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew ...."
    Jews don't eat the sinew of something or other because God messed with Jacob's leg while wrestling with him. (Now that's a good reason!) 32:32

  99. "I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God."
    Since Jacob just saw the face of God a few verses ago (Genesis 32:30), he ought to know what God looks like. So now we do too. God looks just like Esau! Which is kind of strange, since God hates Esau. So all those pictures of God that you've seen? They had it all wrong. God is a redhead, just like Esau was. In fact, God is covered with red hair all over his body. 33:10

  100. God renames Jacob a second time. 35:10

  101. Jacob names Bethel again. The first time 28:19 the name didn't stick. 35:15

  102. Isaac lives to be 180. 35:28

  103. Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 36:1-43

  104. Amalek was born many years after his descendants were "smitten." (Gen.14:7) 36:12

  105. "He rent his clothes." 37:29

  106. "And Jacob rent his clothes." 37:34

  107. Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18

  108. There was a seven year, God-created famine over the entire earth. 41:56

  109. "All countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn."
    The Aztecs, the Chinese, and the Indigenous Australians all came to Joseph to buy grain. 41:57

  110. "And Joseph knew his brethren, but they knew not him."
    Stupid stories like this can only be found in the Bible (and the Quran). 42:8

  111. Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 15

  112. Jacob lives to be 147. 47:28

  113. "He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
    Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus? (I didn't know Jesus had a drinking problem.) 49:11-12

    Exodus

  114. The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26

  115. The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the birth of Sargon, an Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE. (BBC: The tale of the basket) 2:3

  116. God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17

  117. God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First, throw your rod on the ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9

  118. God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins. 4:24-26

  119. Moses and Aaron ask the Pharaoh to let all the Israelites go into the desert to pray for three days, or else God will kill them all "with pestilence, or with the sword." 5:3

  120. God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet in Gen.22:14 Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after God's name, Jehovah. 6:3

  121. Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long list of biblical characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years, respectively). 6:16, 18, 20

  122. In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses says, "Behold I am of uncircumcised lips."  6:12, 6:30

  123. God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle just throw your rod down and it will become a serpent. So when the time comes, Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian magicians duplicate this trick. Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs. (Whew!) 7:9-13

  124. After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the famous 10 plagues of Egypt. Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and they do so with their enchantments. Shucks! Just how the river could be turned to blood by the Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is not explained. 7:17-24

  125. The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were all over the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian magicians did this trick too. (Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the last performance before doing it again?) After the frog making contest was declared a draw, all the frogs died and "they gathered them together upon heaps; and the land stank." I bet. But at least it was all for the greater glory of God. 8:2-7

  126. Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were convinced that Moses and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and they gave up trying to match the remaining seven plagues. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs. 8:17-19

  127. The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and lice theme. 8:21

  128. The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:6
    But a little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God kills them again a couple more times.

  129. The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast.9:9-12

  130. Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better. 9:14

  131. God gave power to the Pharaoh so that he could show off his own power by killing him. 9:15-16

  132. The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25

  133. God killed Egyptians and their livestock by smashing them with huge hailstones mixed with fire. 9:24

  134. God wants to be remembered forever for the mass murder of little children. 10:2

  135. Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the face of the whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?) 10:4-5

  136. Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the darkness knew how to avoid the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had light in their dwellings." 10:21-23

  137. God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian children, he'll remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7, 13

  138. "And the pillar of the cloud went from before their face, and stood behind them." 14:19

  139. "It was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these."
    God's special cloud was a cloud of darkness to the Egyptians, but a cloud of light to the Hebrews. 14:20

  140. God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21

  141. The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses." But according to 9:3-6 there wouldn't have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain." 14:23

  142. "The Lord ... took off their chariot wheels."
    God (the devious mechanic) personally removed the wheels from the Egyptian chariots. 14:25

  143. God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils." 15:8

  144. Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste sweet. 15:25

  145. God appears to the Israelites and speaks from a cloud promising to send lots of food (quails and mana) from the sky. 16:10-12

  146. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35

  147. God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water comes out of it for the people to drink. God's such a clever guy! 17:6

  148. As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls, they start getting beat. So when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get slaughtered. 17:11-12

  149. "The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." So God is still fighting Amalek. I hope Moses can still keep his hand up. 17:14-16

  150. A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai. 19:16-18

  151. Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21

  152. God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a problem.) 20:26

  153. If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned." 21:28

  154. If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29

  155. "Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's milk." 23:19

  156. God has hornets that bite and kill people.23:27-28

  157. God has feet.24:10

  158. Six chapters are wasted on divine instructions for making tables, candlesticks, snuffers, etc. 25 - 30

  159. God decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets shall be made "for glory and beauty." 28:2, 20, 40

  160. God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:30

  161. Aaron must wear a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or God will kill him. 28:34-35

  162. God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach." 28:42

  163. Priest must wear holy breeches or die!
    "They shall be upon Aaron, and upon his sons, when they come in unto the tabernacle ... or ... die." 28:43

  164. God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside the camp as a sin offering. 29:14

  165. God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right big toe, and then sprinkle the blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and on their garments. This will make them "hallowed." 29:20-21

  166. God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul, kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread or two, and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and his sons and they wave them before the Lord. This is a wave offering. 29:22-24

  167. Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper. 30:20

  168. Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." 30:33

  169. And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38

  170. God's finger. 31:18

  171. Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35

  172. Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. 32:11-13

  173. "And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people." But how could a good God even consider doing evil to anyone? 32:14

  174. "I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf."
    Aaron just threw the gold earings into the fire and (Presto!) out came a golden calf! 32:24

  175. Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf. 32:25

  176. Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does permit a peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning) 33:23

  177. God's name is Jealous. 34:14

  178. One of the commandments of God is "Thou shalt not seeth a kid in its mother's milk." 34:26

  179. Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40 nights. 34:28

  180. After meeting God on mount Sinai, Moses had to cover his face with a veil to avoid frightening the Israelites. 34:30-35

    Leviticus

  181. God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9

  182. "For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17, 2:2, 2:9, 2:12, 3:5, 3:16, 6:15, 6:21

  183. "It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10

  184. "The fat that covereth the inwards ... and the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver.... It is ... a sweet savour unto the Lord." 3:3-5

  185. "The fat ... the whole rump ... the inwards ... the two kidneys ... burn it upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by fire unto the LORD." 3:9-11

  186. When you are making your animal sacrifices, be sure to remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." God loves blood and guts, but most especially fat. And he doesn't like to share! 3:16

  187. "If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone "sin through ignorance?" Don't your have to at least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful? 4:2, 13, 22, 27

  188. "The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:6

  189. "And the skin of the bullock, and all his flesh, with his head, and with his legs, and his inwards, and his dung...."
    What to do with the fat, kidneys, liver, skin, head, entrails, and dung from your burnt offerings. 4:11-12

  190. "If the whole congregation ... sin through ignorance" 4:13

  191. "Bring of the bullock's blood ... And the priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:16-17

  192. "Put some of the blood upon the horns of the altar ... and ... pour out all the blood ... and ... take all his fat from him, and burn it upon the altar." 4:18-19

  193. "When a ruler hath sinned ... through ignorance" 4:22

  194. "If any one of the common people sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring his offering, a kid of the goats, a female without blemish, for his sin which he hath sinned."
    If a common person sins through ignorance, then kill a female goat. (More important people must kill male goats.) 4:27-28

  195. "He shall take away all the fat ... and ... burn it upon the altar for a sweet savour unto the LORD." 4:31

  196. "If a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcase of an unclean beast, or a carcase of unclean cattle, or the carcase of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty."
    If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug), then you'll be both unclean and guilty. 5:2

  197. "Or if he touch the uncleanness of man ... he shall be guilty."
    If you touch "the uncleanness of man" (?!) you'll be guilty. 5:3

  198. "Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good ... he shall be guilty."
    If you swear to do something evil or good, you'll be guilty. 5:4

  199. "He shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD ... a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats."
    If you touch an insect, dead animal, or "the uncleanness of man" or if you swear to do something good or bad (5:2-4), kill a female lamb or goat for God. (A female will do since it's a minor offense.) 5:6

  200. "The Lord spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul ... sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD a ram without blemish."
    If you sin without knowing that you've done anything wrong, kill an unblemished ram for God. 5:14-15

  201. "If a soul sin ... though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity."
    If you sin against your own will, you are still guilty. 5:17

  202. "Whatsoever shall touch the flesh thereof shall be holy."
    Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering is holy. 6:27

  203. "Offer of it all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them ... and the caul that is above the liver." 7:3

  204. "The priest shall have to himself the skin of the burnt offering."
    The priest gets all the skin to himself. Lucky! 7:8

  205. "And all the meat offering that is baken in the oven, and all that is dressed in the fryingpan, and in the pan, shall be the priest's that offereth it."
    The priest also gets all the meat in the frying pan. 7:9

  206. "And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have."
    And Aaron's sons get all the meat and oil. 7:10

  207. "The flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings for thanksgiving shall be eaten the same day that it is offered; he shall not leave any of it until the morning."
    Be sure to eat all your sacrificed animals the same day that you kill them. Leftovers are not allowed! 7:15

  208. "If any of the flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings be eaten at all on the third day ... it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity."
    Don't eat any of your dead sacrifcial animals on the third day after you kill them. That is an abomination to God and he will never forgive you for it! 7:18

  209. "And the flesh that toucheth any unclean thing shall not be eaten."
    Don't eat any of your dead sacrficed animals if they have touched any unclean thing. 7:19

  210. "But the soul that eateth of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings ... having his uncleanness upon him, even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
    Don't eat any sacrificed animals while you have your uncleanness upon you. If you do, you'll be exiled. 7:20

  211. "Moreover the soul that shall touch any unclean thing, as the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any abominable unclean thing, and eat of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which pertain unto the LORD, even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
    If you touch any unclean thing (like "the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any other abominable unclean thing") while eating sacrifieced animals, you will be exiled. 7:21

  212. "Ye shall eat no manner of fat ... for whosoever eateth the fat of the beast, of which men offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD ... shall be cut off from his people."
    Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or you will be exiled. 7:23-25

  213. "Moreover ye shall eat no manner of blood ... Whatsoever soul it be that eateth any manner of blood, even that soul shall be cut off from his people." 7:26

  214. "The fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the LORD." Wave the fat and the breast for "a wave offering before the Lord." 7:30

  215. "And the priest shall burn the fat upon the altar: but the breast shall be Aaron's and his sons'." 7:31

  216. "And the right shoulder shall ye give unto the priest for an heave offering." 7:32

  217. "He among the sons of Aaron, that offereth the blood of the peace offerings, and the fat, shall have the right shoulder for his part."
    Aaron's sons get the right shoulder from all peace offerings. 7:33

  218. "For the wave breast and the heave shoulder ... a statute for ever."
    Be sure to do your wave breast or heave shoulder today. It is a statute forver. 7:34

  219. "Moses brought Aaron and ... he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod." 8:6-7

  220. "The Urim and Thummim"
    The Urim and Thummim were like the two sides of a magic coin that could be flipped to to give a yes or no answer to any question. They were also what Joseph Smith used to translate the Book of Mormon. 8:8

  221. Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32

  222. "Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger .. and poured the blood at the bottom of the altar." 8:15

  223. "And he took all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and Moses burned it upon the altar." 8:16

  224. "But the bullock, and his hide, his flesh, and his dung, he burnt with fire without the camp; as the LORD commanded Moses." 8:17

  225. "Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 8:23

  226. "And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:24

  227. "And he took the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and the right shoulder." 8:25

  228. "And he put all upon Aaron's hands, and upon his sons' hands, and waved them for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:27

  229. "Moses ... burnt them ... for a sweet savour." 8:28

  230. "And Moses took the breast, and waved it for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:29

  231. "And Moses took ... of the blood which was upon the altar, and sprinkled it upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon his sons' garments." 8:30

  232. Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord. 9:8-21

  233. "And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar." 9:9

  234. "But the fat, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver of the sin offering, he burnt upon the altar; as the LORD commanded Moses." 9:10

  235. "And the fat of the bullock and of the ram, the rump, and that which covereth the inwards, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver." 9:19

  236. "And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded." 9:21

  237. God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted and fell on their faces." 9:24

  238. God will kill any priest that leaves the tabernacle. 10:7

  239. If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by by drinking "wine or strong drink," then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." "It shall be a statute for ever." 10:9

  240. "And the wave breast and heave shoulder shall ye eat in a clean place." 10:14

  241. "The heave shoulder and the wave breast ... bring with the offerings made by fire of the fat, to wave it for a wave offering before the LORD." 10:15

  242. God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15

  243. Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God. 11:10-12

  244. Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19

  245. Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20

  246. Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23

  247. Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31

  248. If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean. 13:40-41

  249. "The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch." 11:7-8

  250. "Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination." 11:41

  251. "Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42

  252. "Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth." 11:43

  253. "She shall be unclean."
    Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their purification. (And baby girls make them twice as sinful and dirty as baby boys do.) 12:1-5

  254. "If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days ... And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days."
    If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must be purified for 33 days. 12:2, 4

  255. "But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks ... and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days."
    If a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God, girls are twice as dirty as boys. 12:5

  256. "She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
    After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are killed for him. 12:6

  257. "She shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood." 12:7

  258. "if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean." 12:8

  259. "And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean." 13:40

  260. "And he that hath his hair fallen off from the part of his head toward his face, he is forehead bald: yet is he clean." 13:41

  261. God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52

  262. "Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean ... and the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water." 14:4

  263. "And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose." 14:7

  264. "And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish ... And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering ... and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD." 14:10-12

  265. "And he shall slay the lamb ... in the holy place: ... it is most holy." 14:13

  266. "And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and ... put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:14

  267. "And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil with his finger seven times before the LORD." 14:16

  268. "And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering." 14:17

  269. "The priest shall offer the sin offering ... and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering." 14:19

  270. "If he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved ... and two turtledoves, or two young pigeons ... and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering." 14:21-22

  271. "And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering ... and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:" 14:24

  272. "And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:25

  273. "And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the LORD." 14:27

  274. "And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the place of the blood of the trespass offering." 14:28

  275. "And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get." 14:30

  276. "Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering." 14:31

  277. "He shall take to cleanse the house two birds ... And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times ... And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird." 14:49-52

  278. Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:1-15

  279. "Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean." 15:4

  280. "And whosoever toucheth his bed shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:5

  281. "And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:6

  282. "And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:7

  283. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:8

  284. "And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean." 15:9

  285. "And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even." 15:10

  286. "And whomsoever he toucheth ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:11

  287. "And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth ... shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water." 15:12

  288. "He that hath an issue ... shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing ... and shall be clean." 15:13

  289. "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
    This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32

  290. "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16

  291. "And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17

  292. "The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:18

  293. "And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:20

  294. "And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:21

  295. "Whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:22

  296. "And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even." 15:23

  297. "Every bed whereon she lieth ... and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:26

  298. "Whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean." 15:27

  299. "This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean." 15:32-33

  300. "I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat." 16:2

  301. God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:8-28

  302. "Take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it ... seven times." 16:14

  303. "Kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his blood ... and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat." 16:15

  304. "Take of the blood of the bullock, and of the blood of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about." 16:18

  305. "He shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times." 16:19

  306. "Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the hand of a fit man into the wilderness. And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities." 16:21-22

  307. Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6

  308. Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20

  309. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19

  310. If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out. 18:25

  311. "Keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations ... that the land spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you." 18:26-28

  312. "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." 19:19

  313. God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for three years after the trees are planted. 19:23

  314. "Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times."
    Don't eat anything with blood, or use magic or astrology. 19:26

  315. "Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard."
    Don't round the corners of your head or beard. 19:27

  316. "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you."
    Don't get an tatoos. 19:28

  317. Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31

  318. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14

  319. Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard." 21:5

  320. The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother." 21:11

  321. Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it. 21:16-23

  322. Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God. 21:18

  323. A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20

  324. A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5

  325. What to do if you eat some holy thing unwittingly. Important stuff that you need to know about. 22:14

  326. God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18

  327. "Ye shall offer ... a male without blemish ... Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the LORD ... Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut."
    God wants us to kill lots of animals for him. Not just any animals, though. God only wants dead, male animals without any blemishes. Don't kill any blind , broken, maimed, or scabbed animials for him. It will just get him pissed off. (And, since you've been reading Leviticus, you know what God does when he's pissed off.) 22:19-24

  328. God won't accept animal sacrifices from strangers, since strangers have blemishes and are corrupt. 22:25

  329. Don't kill animals for God until they are at least eight days old. And don't kill mother and her young on the same day. You can kill the mom on one day and her young on the next. 22:27-28

  330. "Keep my commandments, and do them."
    God wants everyone to do all the stuff he's commanded in Leviticus. 22:31

  331. God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000. 26:8

  332. God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do all these nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41

  333. "And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins." 26:18

  334. "I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins." 26:21

  335. "I ... will punish you yet (another) seven times for your sins." 26:24

  336. "And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied." 26:26

  337. "And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me ... then ... I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins." 26:27-28

  338. "I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours." 26:31

    Numbers

  339. The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. 1:45-46, 26:51

  340. The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:11-31

  341. "And the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be not defiled."
    If a husband is jealous, his wife must submit to the law of jealousies whether she was "defiled" or not. 5:14

  342. "Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ... And the priest shall ... set her before the LORD ... and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:15-17

  343. "And the priest shall ... say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee ... be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:19

  344. "Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:20-21

  345. "But if ... some man have lain with thee beside thine husband ... The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:22

  346. "And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:24

  347. "And when he hath made her to drink the water ... if she be defiled ... the water that causeth the curse shall ... become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people." 5:27

  348. "And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed." 5:28

  349. "Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:31

  350. "Take the Levites ... and let them shave all their flesh ... and so make themselves clean."
    To get really clean, you've got to shave off your pubic hair. 8:6-7

  351. All firstborn Israelites, "both man and beast", belong to God. He got them the day that he killed every Egyptian firstborn child and animal. 8:17

  352. When the tabernacle was set up, it was covered by a cloud during the day and by fire all night. 9:15

  353. God led the Israelites from one camp to the other with a cloud. When the cloud stopped and rested someplace, the Israelites pitched their tents. When the cloud started moving again, the Israelites followed it. 9:16-23

  354. "And if ye go to war ... ye shall blow an alarm with the trumpets ... and ye shall be saved from your enemies." 10:9

  355. God continues (mis)leading the Israelites through the wilderness with a cloud. 10:11-12

  356. "And the cloud of the LORD was upon them by day." 10:34

  357. "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them. 11:1

  358. The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says he'll give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of [their] nostrils, and it be loathsome to [them]." Yuck. 11:4, 19-20

  359. "As a nursing father beareth the suckling child...." 11:12

  360. God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20

  361. God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31

  362. "Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way to describe on of the cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he probably didn't). Moses, as he is described in the Bible, is anything but meek (See Num.31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness"). 12:3

  363. "If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto him in a dream." Now there's a reliable way to communicate with someone! 12:6

  364. "And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? 12:14

  365. "They ... cut down ... a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff."
    A single cluster of grapes was so heavy that it took two men to carry it. I guess that's what you'd expect, though, since they were in the land of giants. (See verses 32-33.) 13:23

  366. "And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4 Of course, these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33

  367. "Moses and Aaron fell on their faces." 14:5

  368. "Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes." 14:6

  369. "All the congregation bade stone them with stones."
    The people have had enough of wandering around in the desert and they don't much want to fight giants (see 13:33), so they decide to stone Joshua and his merry men (with stones). 14:10a

    "The glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel."
    But before the people get started with the stoning, God shows up in all his glory. 14:10b

  370. God tells Moses that he is going to kill all of the Israelites -- every last whining one of the them, and then make a whole bunch of brand new Israelites. 14:12

  371. Moses tries to talk God out of killing everyone by telling him that the Egyptians will hear about it and will say that he wasn't able to lead the Israelites to Israel, so he killed them all instead. 14:13-19

  372. Thy cloud standeth over them, and that thou goest before them, by day time in a pillar of a cloud, and in a pillar of fire by night." 14:14

  373. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 14:33, 32:13

  374. God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24

  375. "If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an action is wrong for it to be sinful? Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by God if you kill some animals. 15:27-30

  376. Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker, God gets down to some more important business -- like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments. 15:38-39

  377. "And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face." 16:4

  378. "The glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation." 16:19

  379. "And they fell upon their faces." 16:22

  380. After burning the the 250 guys that offered incense, God tells Moses to keep their censers (because they are holy) to remind everyone not to offer incense without a license. 16:36-40

  381. "Behold ... the glory of the Lord appeared." 16:42

  382. "And they fell upon their faces." 16:45

  383. "Take a censer ... and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them."
    Moses tells Aaron to burn some incense to make God quit killing people. (God just killed 250 for burning incense.) 16:45

  384. Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud, bloom, and yield almonds. 17:8

  385. "They shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die."
    Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close. 18:3

  386. God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-believers perform these sacrifices anymore? Don't they realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't they believe God when he says "forever"? 18:17-19

  387. "Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die." 18:22

  388. "Neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die." 18:32

  389. "This is the ordinance of the law which the LORD hath commanded."
    These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a perpetual statute" for everyone on earth. 19:1-22

  390. The Red Heifer. Some fundamentalists believe that when a red heifer is born, Armageddon will soon follow. Well, a red heifer was born in March 2002 and has been declared ritually acceptable by the rabbis. So in a few years it can be sacrificed, ushering in, so they say, the end of the world. You can read all about it here in the National Review. 19:2

  391. "Take of her blood with his finger, and sprinkle ... seven times."
    God's instructions for putting blood on fingers, sprinkling it around, and then burning the dung of sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about. (That's why it's in the Bible!). 19:4-5

  392. "Then the priest shall wash his clothes, and he shall bathe ... and shall be unclean until the even." (The guy who burns the dung also has to take a bath, which sounds like a pretty good idea to me.) 19:7-8

  393. "And a man that is clean shall gather up the ashes of the heifer ... and it shall be kept ... for a water of separation: it is a purification for sin."
    After you kill and burn the dung of the red heifer have a clean guy gather the ashes and then be sure to keep them for "a water of separation: it is a purification for sin." 19:9

  394. "He that gathereth the ashes of the heifer shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even; and it shall be ... a statute forever." 19:10

  395. He that toucheth the dead body of any man shall be unclean seven days." (Bad news for understakers.) 19:11

  396. He shall purify himself with it on the third day, and on the seventh day he shall be clean: but if he purify not himself the third day, then the seventh day he shall not be clean." (Use the "water of separation" made from the ashes of the dung of the red heifer. See 19:9.) 19:12

  397. "Whosoever toucheth the dead body of any man that is dead, and purifieth not himself ... shall be cut off from Israel: because the water of separation was not sprinkled upon him, he shall be unclean; his uncleanness is yet upon him." 19:13

  398. "When a man dieth in a tent: all that come into the tent, and all that is in the tent, shall be unclean seven days." 19:14

  399. "And every open vessel, which hath no covering bound upon it, is unclean." (Don't you just hate it when people leave the lid off containers?) 19:15

  400. "And whosoever toucheth one that is slain with a sword ... or a dead body, or a bone of a man, or a grave, shall be unclean seven days." 19:16

  401. "And for an unclean person they shall take of the ashes of the burnt heifer ... And a clean person shall take hyssop, and dip it in the water, and sprinkle it ... upon him that touched a bone, or one slain, or one dead, or a grave. And the clean person shall sprinkle upon the unclean on the third day, and on the seventh day: and on the seventh day he shall purify himself, and wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and shall be clean at even." (Well that sounds simple enough!) 19:17-19

  402. "But the man that shall be unclean ... shall be cut off ... the water of separation hath not been sprinkled upon him; he is unclean." 19:20

  403. "It shall be a perpetual statute ... that he that sprinkleth the water of separation shall wash his clothes; and he that toucheth the water of separation shall be unclean until even." 19:21

  404. "And whatsoever the unclean person toucheth shall be unclean; and the soul that toucheth it shall be unclean until even." 19:22

  405. And they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them." 20:6

  406. Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before in Ex.17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as God asked him to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the promised land. 20:8-12

  407. Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out. 20:11

  408. God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. 21:6

  409. To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were previously bit by God's snakes. 21:8

  410. "The Book of the wars of the Lord"
    (One of the lost books of the Bible) 21:14

  411. "And the ass saw the angel of the LORD." 22:23

  412. God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with thee?" 22:9

  413. God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as cog had commanded." And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions! 22:20-22

  414. Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. 22:28-30

  415. "Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he ... fell flat on his face." 22:31

  416. God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16

  417. God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22

  418. Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live until the time of King Saul. (See 1Sam.15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.) 24:7

  419. God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8

  420. God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21

  421. In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." 28-29

  422. "The LORD's anger was kindled ... and he sware."
    Even God gets angry and swears sometimes. 32:10

  423. "He made them wander in the wilderness forty years."
    It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 32:13

  424. If a person accidentally kills someone, then she should go to a city of refuge. If she can get to the city of refuge before the "revenger of blood" (the victim's closest relative) can catch her, then she is safe, at least until the high priest dies (I don't know what he has to do with it). But if she is caught outside the city of refuge, then the revenger of blood can kill her. 35:11-12

  425. "If he smite him with an instrument of iron, so that he die, he is a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." 35:16

  426. "If he smite him with throwing a stone, wherewith he may die, and he die, he is a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." 35:17

  427. "Or if he smite him with an hand weapon of wood, wherewith he may die, and he die, he is a murderer: the murderer shall surely be put to death." 35:18

  428. "But if the slayer shall at any time come without the border of the city of his refuge ... and the revenger of blood kill the slayer; he shall not be guilty of blood. Because he should have remained in the city of his refuge until the death of the high priest" If the accidental killer leaves the city of refuge and is caught by the revenger of blood, then the revenger can legally kill the accidental killer. 35:26-28

    Deuteronomy

  429. "The people is greater and taller than we ... we have seen the sons of the Anakims there." More giants in the promised land. 1:28

  430. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5

  431. God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they were the descendents of Lot's drunken, incestuous affair with his daughters (Gen.19:30-38). 2:9, 19

  432. "A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21

  433. "The hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed."
    God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done. 2:14-16

  434. Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11

  435. When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you." 3:22

  436. "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version. 4:2

  437. God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15

  438. God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23

  439. The Israelites clothing didn't wear out while wandering around in the desert for 40 years. (God made the childrens' shoes grow with their feet so they wouldn't need new ones!) 8:4

  440. God makes people wealthy (or poor). 8:17-18

  441. "A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims."
    More giants! 9:2

  442. Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." 10:16

  443. After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all the strangers that they encounter (Dt.7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19

  444. God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his commands. Why then don't modern Bible-believers stone to death blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32

  445. Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1

  446. "Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing." 14:3

  447. This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8

  448. Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't be eaten. 14:10

  449. To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18

  450. Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil a kid (young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21

  451. Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky! 17:1

  452. God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4

  453. If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8

  454. Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations. 21:22

  455. Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5

  456. "Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together." 22:10

  457. "Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together." 22:11

  458. Thou shalt make fringes on your garments. 22:12

  459. You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1

  460. God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2

  461. God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14

  462. Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the Lord. 24:4

  463. If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10

  464. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

  465. "I have not ... given ought thereof for the dead.
    Don't worry God. I haven't offered any food to dead people. 26:14

  466. Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15

  467. "Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." 27:20

  468. "Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:21

  469. "Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen." 27:22

  470. "Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:23

  471. "Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." 27:26

  472. "Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16

  473. "Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out." 28:19

  474. "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." 28:23

  475. "The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed." 28:24

  476. "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:27-28

  477. "The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44

  478. The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They just don't make them like they used to! 29:5

  479. God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6

  480. "Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33

  481. God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8

  482. Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17

  483. Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own death and burial. 34:5

    Joshua

  484. "Her house was upon the town wall, and she dwelt upon the wall."
    Since Rahab's house was built on the wall, how did she and her family survive when the wall fell down? (See Joshua 6:20) 2:15

  485. The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting their feet wet. Glory! 3:8-17

  486. At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again the children of Israel the second time" (ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-3

  487. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6

  488. "Loose thy shoe from off thy foot."
    The "captain of the Lord's host" visits Joshua and delivers the all-important message: "Take your shoes off." 5:13-15

  489. "And Joshua fell on his face." 5:14

  490. God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven priests go before the ark with seven trumpets of ram's horns. Then on the seventh day, they go around the city seven times. Finally, the priests blow a long blast from the ram's horns, all the people shout, and the walls will fall down. 6:3-5

  491. Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be sure to save all the silver and gold for God! 6:18-19

  492. Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their faces, and put dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum because the Israelites lost a battle (God was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the accursed thing"). I wonder what "the accursed thing" was? Knowledge, tolerance, kindness perhaps? 7:1-13

  493. And Joshua ... fell to the earth upon his face." 7:6

  494. "And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way."
    God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them along the way. 10:10

  495. "The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ... and they died."
    As the Amorites try to escape, God sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:11

  496. In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

  497. "The Lord fought for Israel." I wonder what kind of weapon he used. Probably the jawbone of an ass. 10:14, 10:42

  498. "And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants...." 12:4, 18:16

  499. One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is that fighteth for you." 23:10

  500. God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. 24:12

    Judges

  501. Adonibezek fed 70 kings (with their thumbs and big toes cut off) under his table. 1:7

  502. "The Lord ... could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." 1:19

  503. God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his promise since he was unable to driver out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30

  504. An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3

  505. God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14, 4:2

  506. "Surely he covereth his feet in his summer chamber."
    "Covering his feet" is the biblical equivalent of "going to the bathroom." 3:24

  507. Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31

  508. "The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he [Sisera, not God] had nine hundred chariots of iron." Yet just a few verses ago (Jg.1:19) God was overpowered by chariots of iron. 4:3

  509. "The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20

  510. "The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years."
    God forces the Israelites to be slaves to the Midianites for seven years. 6:1

  511. "They (the Midianites) came as grasshoppers for multitude; for both they and their camels were without number."
    Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses (Numbers 31:7), and yet 200 years later they flourish like grasshoppers "without number." 6:6

  512. "The children of Israel cried unto the LORD."
    This is always step three in God's four-step slavery/slaughter plan. 1: The Israelites do evil in the site of the Lord; 2: God sells them into slavery; 3: The Israelites cry unto the Lord; and 4: God kills the people he sold the Israelites to. 6:7

  513. "There came an angel of the LORD, and sat under an oak ... And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour." 6:11-12

  514. "And the LORD looked upon him, and said..."
    God joins in the conversation with Gideon and the angel. 6:14

  515. To prove he's for real, the angel makes fire come out of a rock, burning the flesh and cakes. 6:20-21

  516. "The Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet." 6:34

  517. Gideon needs some (more) signs to convince him that God isn't lying to him. (The burning flesh sign from 6:20-21 didn't satisfy him.) So he puts down some wool on the ground and asks God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry. And God does it, no sweat. But Gideon is still not sure he can trust God, so he asks him to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry. "And God did so ..." Gideon must have been impressed by a God that could do such great things. 6:36-40

  518. "The people that are with thee are too many."
    God tells Gideon to reduce the size of his army so that they couldn't claim to have killed all the Midianites without him. God doesn't like to share credit for his killings. 7:2

  519. God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight. 7:4-7

  520. "And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you." 7:7

  521. The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels -- well, maybe not quite, but at least as many "as the sand by the sea shore." 7:12

  522. Some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents. The barley cake smote the tent and -- well, anyway, it was a sign from God that he and Gideon would massacre the Midianites. 7:13-14

  523. Gideon's men break three hundred pitchers while holding lamps, blowing trumpets, and yelling "The sword of the Lord and of Gideon." 7:16-20

  524. "Gideon made an ephod ... and all Israel went thither a whoring after it." 8:27

  525. Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

  526. And now for something completely different: Talking Trees 9:8-15

  527. "Wine ... cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and it makes him happy. 9:13

  528. God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24

  529. Abimelech and his men burned to death 1000 men and women who were trapped in a tower. (They had really big towers back then.) 9:49

  530. "Jair ... had thirty sons that rode on thirty ass colts, and they had thirty cities." 10:3-4

  531. God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. (He had previously sold them to the kings of Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2).) 10:7

  532. "And the children of Israel cried unto the LORD." 10:10

  533. "And the LORD said unto the children of Israel ... I will deliver you no more ... Go and cry unto the gods which ye have chosen." 10:11-14

  534. "And the children of Israel said unto the LORD, We have sinned ... And they put away the strange gods from among them, and served the LORD: and his soul was grieved for the misery of Israel." 10:15-16

  535. "He rent his clothes." 11:35

  536. 42,000 Ephraimites fail the "shibboleth" test and are killed by Jephthah's army. 12:6

  537. "Ibzan ... had thirty sons, and thirty daughters, whom he sent abroad, and took in thirty daughters." 12:8-9

  538. Abdon had 70 sons and nephews that rode on 70 ass colts. 12:13-14

  539. "The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years." 13:1

  540. "And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son." 13:2-3

  541. "The child shall be a Nazarite from the womb."
    According to Numbers 6:6 Nazarites are not to touch any dead bodies. But Samson was a mass murderer. He must have touched hundreds of dead bodies. (Or did he just kill his victims, being careful not to touch them after they were dead?) 13:5

  542. A man of God came unto me [Samson's mom]."
    She didn't ask him any questions and he didn't tell her his name. 13:6

  543. "The angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her."
    Husbands are never around when angels come unto women and make them pregnant. 13:9

  544. "Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?"
    The angel had a secret name. (Clarence?, 007?, agent 99?) 13:18

  545. "The angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife ... fell on their faces." 13:20

  546. "But the angel of the LORD did no more appear to Manoah and to his wife. Then Manoah knew that he was an angel of the LORD."
    Manoah and his wife knew the angel was from God because they never saw him again. 13:21

  547. "And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him." Samson was one of the vilest of all the vile Bible heroes; Yet he was especially blessed by God. 13:24

  548. Samson's lust for the Philistine woman was "of the Lord." It was all a part of God's plan for killing Philistines. 14:4

  549. Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." Later, when going to "take" his Philistine wife he notices a swarm of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting flesh, flies, and maggots?). 14:5-8

  550. "I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness."
    That's the riddle. Whoever can figure it out before the week of partying is over will get 30 sheets and 30 garments. But whoever can't will have to give Samuel 30 sheets and 30 garments. 14:12-13

  551. "Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire." Samson's party buddies are taking the riddle seriously. They tell Samson's new Philistine wife to tell them the answer to the riddle or they'll burn her house down. 14:15

  552. "And she wept before him the seven days ... and ... on the seventh day ... he told her ... and she told the riddle to ... her people." 14:17

  553. Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire. 15:4

  554. "The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15

  555. After Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, he was thirsty. So God created and filled a hollow in the very same jawbone and put water in it for Samson to drink. 15:17-19

  556. Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors, gate, and posts of the city and carries them to the top of a hill. Why did he do this? Did God make him do it or was he just showing off? The Bible doesn't say. 16:3

  557. Delilah is paid by the Philistines to find out the magical source of Samson's strength and how he could be restrained. She asks Samson three times. He says he'd become as week as any other man if he were tied up with bowstrings. So she does that, but he breaks the bow strings. She askes again and he says to use ropes. So she uses ropes, but he breaks the ropes. Next he says to weave his braids into a cloth. So she does that, but he breaks out of that one too. 6:6-14

  558. Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me." (And I thought his strength was from God.) 16:17

  559. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

  560. "The children of Israel ... gathered together as one man [along with] four hundred thousand footmen that drew sword."
    After receiving the Levite's rotting-concubine-body-part-message (see the last chapter for the gory details), the entire population of Israel along with 400,000 soldiers gathered together to decide what to do about it. 20:1

  561. "I took my concubine, and cut her in pieces, and sent her throughout all the country."
    The Levite tells everyone his story (leaving out the part about how he gave his concubine to the mob to do with as they pleased), explaining the mysterious rotting body part messages that brought everyone in Israel together. 20:4-6

  562. "And all the people arose as one man, saying...."
    Can't you just picture it? After hearing the Levite's story, the entire population of Israel spoke in unison, saying "We will not any of us go to his tent, neither will we any of us turn into his house." 20:8

  563. The Benjamites had 700 left-handed men who could sling a stone at a hair and not miss. 20:16

  564. After the Benjamites refuse to turn over the men from Gibeah (the town that wanted to have sex with the Levite but settled for his concubine instead), the Israelites asked God which tribe should go to war with them. God said the tribe of Judah should go first. So Judah goes to war, but the Benjamites with their sharp shooting lefties kill 22,000 Israelites. 20:18-21

  565. After 22,000 Israelites were killed by the Benjamites, they cry all day before the Lord. Then they ask God (again) if they should go to war against Benjamin. God said yes, so they try it again, and another 18,000 Israelites are killed. 20:23-25

  566. Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask again (for the third time) if they should attack the Benjamites. God give them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promises (he was just kidding the last couple times) that he "will deliver them into thine hand." 20:26-28

  567. God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41

  568. After the Israelites heard the Levite's story (about chopping up his dead concubine and sending her body parts to each tribe of Israel) they vowed not to "give" their daughters to the Benjamites. So now they had a problem: they just finished killing all the Benjamite women and children (Jg 20:48) so there were no women for the surviving Benjamite men to marry. [There were 600 Benjamite men that survived the war with the Israelites. (Jg 20:47)] 21:1-7

  569. But they find a great solution. They check their records and find that no one from Jabeshgilead came to the rotting-concubine- body-part meeting. So they'll go and steal their women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites. 21:8

  570. Then the elders of the congregation said, How shall we do for wives for them that remain, seeing the women are destroyed out of Benjamin?" 21:16

  571. "We may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that giveth a wife to Benjamin." 21:18

  572. So they come up with another brilliant plan. Have the Benjamites hide in the bushes and then catch the daughters of Shiloh when they come out to dance. So that's what they did and everyone lived happily ever after. 21:19-23

    Ruth

  573. "Then she fell on her face." 2:10

  574. In the first chapter of Ruth (1:11), Naomi is too old to conceive, but now, in the fourth chapter, she functions as a wet nurse. 4:16

    1 Samuel

  575. "The Lord had shut up her [Hannah's] womb." 1:5

  576. "And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20

  577. "And the Lord visited Hannah [again], so that she conceived." Did he get her pregnant in the usual way? 2:21

  578. A disembodied voice calls to the child Samuel three times. The first two times, Samuel thought it was Eli that called him. But Eli figured that the voice must be God's. So the third time that God called, he was able to deliver his message to Samuel. 3:4-10

  579. God will do something that will cause everyone's ears to tingle. 3:11

  580. Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13) and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants is fine with me." 3:18

  581. When the Israelites saw the ark of the covenant, they shouted so loud that the ground shook. 4:5

  582. The Philistines set the ark of God next to the god Dagon, and the next morning Dagon had mysteriously (miraculously?) fallen on his face. The same thing happened the next night, only this time his head and hands were cut off, too! After that, no one ever entered the house of Dagon again. 5:2-5

  583. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12

  584. To see if it was God who killed the Philistine people, the ark of the Lord and the five golden hemorrhoids were put into a cart pulled by two cows. Then the cows were let go. If the cows went directly to Bethshemesh, then God killed the people. And that is the way the cows went. So by this superstitious method we know that it was God who killed the Philistines by giving them hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 6:7-12

  585. After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17

  586. The LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them." 7:10-11

  587. After God helped the Israelites slaughter the Philistines, Samuel erected a monument saying, "So far God has helped us." 7:12

  588. Saul was the best looking guy in Israel and was a foot taller than everyone else. 9:2

  589. God tells Samuel that Saul is the man he has chosen to be King. 9:17

  590. Samuel found Saul's missing asses without even looking for them. You see, he's a seer -- just like Joseph Smith! 9:19-20

  591. When the people couldn't find Saul (who was selected to be king by drawing lots), they "enquired of the Lord ... and the Lord answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff." 10:22

  592. "But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him, and brought no presents." 10:27

  593. Everyone (except the virgin women) in Jabeshgilead was killed by the non-Benjamite Israelites (see Judges 21:10-14), yet here just a few years later "all the men" are negotiating a treaty with the Ammonites. Do dead men make treaties? I guess in the Bible they do! 11:1

  594. "I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2

  595. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7

  596. "Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11

  597. "So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain." 12:18

  598. "Saul reigned one year; and when he had reigned two years over Israel...." Huh? 13:1

  599. "Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines ... And Saul blew the trumpet throughout all the land, saying, Let the Hebrews hear."
    After his son Jonathan killed some Philistines, Saul went around throughout Israel blowing a trumpet and saying, "Let the Hebrew hear." It is strange to read in the next chapter that Jonathan's God-assisted slaughter of 20 Philistines was "his first slaughter." Didn't this slaughter count, or what? 13:3

  600. "The Philistines gathered ... as the sand which is on the sea shore."
    OK. That might be a bit of an exaggeration. 13:5

  601. "The LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart."
    Samuel tells Saul that he's just not good enough for God. So God has chosen someone else to replace him as king. Who is this guy, this "man after his own heart" that God has chosen? David! 13:14

  602. "In the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found."
    There were only two swords in the entire Israelite army, Saul's and Jonathan's. 13:22

  603. After Jonathan's first slaughter (20 men in one half acre), God showed his approval with "a very great trembling." 14:15

  604. "I did but taste a little honey ... and, lo, I must die."
    Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all of his enemies, saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But his son Jonathan didn't hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit of honey. So he Saul says his son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43

  605. "Samuel ... laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent."
    Samuel was so upset that Saul left one Amalekite alive (instead of killing everyone like God commanded) that he tore his skirt. 15:27

  606. "The LORD said unto Samuel, How long wilt thou mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel?"
    God tells Samuel to quit moping around about Saul and get out and find another king. 16:1-3

  607. "An evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23

  608. Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4

  609. David caught a lion (and a bear?) "by his beard" and then killed him. 17:34-35

  610. "David ... behaved himself wisely."
    Like when he buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins a little later in this chapter. 18:5

  611. "The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied." 18:10

  612. "Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with him, and was departed from Saul."
    Saul was afraid of David because "the Lord was with him." I suppose the Lord even tagged along with David when he cut off the 200 Philistine foreskins in v.27. Did God hold the penises as David cut them off or vice versa. 18:12

  613. "And David behaved himself wisely in all his ways; and the LORD was with him."
    Read the story below (18:25-28) to see an example of David's wise behavior when God is with him. 18:14

  614. "All Israel and Judah loved David, because he went out and came in before them." 18:16

  615. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

  616. "And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David."
    (How else could David get so many foreskins?) 18:28

  617. "David behaved ... wisely." 18:30

  618. And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't keep away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9

  619. "Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying ... the Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied."
    Saul sent messengers to kill David. But when they messengers arrived and saw everyone prophesying, the spirit of the Lord came upon them too and they began prophesying. 19:20

  620. "And when it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise." 19:21a

  621. "And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also." 19:21b

  622. "He [Saul] went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied."
    Finally, Saul comes to see what's going on and the Spirit of God comes on him too and he prophesies. 19:23

  623. Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he stripped off his clothes ... and lay down naked all that day and night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?" 19:24

  624. "David ... fell on his face." 20:41

  625. David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of Gath, and lets spit run down his beard. All this he did in front of Israel's enemies in the hopes that they would take him in and protect him from Saul. 21:12

  626. "Saul went in to cover his feet." (Saul took a leak.) 24:3

  627. "Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily."
    David snuck in and cut off a piece of Saul's skirt while he was relieving himself. Saul was so busy with his business that he didn't even see David or notice that his skirt was being cut. 24:4

  628. "If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
    David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22

  629. When Abigail saw David, she ... fell ... on her face." 25:23

  630. "Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall."
    If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall". 25:34

  631. They were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them."
    David and Abishai sneak into Saul's tent and steal his spear and water jug without anyone noticing "because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them." 26:12

  632. "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) Among those that David exterminated were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since Saul killed them all (1 Sam.15:7-8) just a little while before. 27:8-11

  633. "And when Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets." 28:6

  634. Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19

  635. "Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel." 28:11

  636. "An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel." 28:14

  637. "And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up?" 28:15

  638. "David said unto Achish, But what have I done ... that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king?"
    David was disappointed. He wanted to go kill Israelites with the Philistines. 29:8

  639. The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly destroyed": first by Saul (1 Sam.15:7-8) and then by David (1 Sam.27:9-11). Yet here they are, just a few years later, fighting the Philistines! 30:1

  640. "The Amalekites ... slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way." Believers like to say that the Amalekites were so evil that God had to kill them all, even their women and children. Yet here the Amalekites behave far better than the Israelites by not killing their captives. (Compare these verses with God's command to Saul in 1 Sam.15:3.) 30:1-2

  641. "David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him." 30:6

  642. "And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? And he answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them." 30:8

  643. "David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men."
    David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. He kills all of them except for 400 that escaped on camels. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8 and 27:8-9 for the last two times they were exterminated.) 30:17

    2 Samuel

  644. "David ... returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites"
    How could David find any Amalekites to slaughter? Saul already killed them all (except Agag, who was killed by Samuel). 1:1

  645. According to these verses, Saul was killed by an Amalekite. But Saul killed all the Amalekites (except for Agag who Samuel hacked to death) as God commanded in 1 Sam.15:3, so how could he later be killed by one? 1:8-10

  646. Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him."
    When Bible characters get upset, they tear their clothes. 1:11

  647. Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23
    (It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27, 4:6, 20:10)

  648. David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27). 3:14

  649. "David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him, Rend your clothes."
    Why do people in the Bible always they tear their clothes when they get upset? 3:31

  650. "When David enquired of the LORD, he said ... come upon them over against the mulberry trees." 5:23

  651. "When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines." 5:24

  652. "The Lord of Hosts ... dwelleth between the cherubims." 6:2

  653. "He fell on his face." 9:6

  654. "Then said David, I will shew kindness unto Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father shewed kindness unto me."
    Nahash gouged out the eyes of Israelite messengers (or at least threatened to) in 1 Samuel 11. That's a strange way to show kindness! 10:2

  655. "Hanun ... shaved off the one half of their beards, and cutt off their garments ... even to their buttocks."
    That'll teach them! 10:4

  656. After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24

  657. "The Lord loved him ... and called his his name Jedidiah."
    After God killed Bathsheba's baby boy, David got her pregnant again. God loved this baby (and so he decided not to kill it) and he called him Jedidiah, but everyone else called him Solomon. 12:24-25

  658. David puts on a gold crown weighing 1 talent (somewhere between 26 and 60 kilograms).
    (He had a very strong neck.) 12:30

  659. "The king ... tare his garments, and lay on the earth; and all his servants stood by with their clothes rent." 13:31

  660. "She fell on her face." 14:4

  661. "Joab fell to the ground on his face." 14:22

  662. "In all Israel there was none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty: from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him."
    Absolom was the best looking guy in all of Israel. He didn't have a blemish on his whole body. 14:25

  663. "He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels."
    Since a shekel is about 11.5 grams, Absolom's hair weighed 2.3 kilograms! 14:25-26

  664. "Shimei ... cursed still as he came ... and he cast stones at David ... And thus said Shimei when he cursed, Come out, come out, thou bloody man, and thou man of Belial."
    Good for Shimei! It's about time David got what he deserved. 16:5-7

  665. "The LORD hath returned upon thee all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose stead thou hast reigned; and the LORD hath delivered the kingdom into the hand of Absalom thy son: and, behold, thou art taken in thy mischief, because thou art a bloody man." 16:8

  666. "The king said ... let him curse, because the LORD hath said unto him, Curse David ... let him curse; for the LORD hath bidden him." 16:10-11

  667. "As David and his men went by the way, Shimei went along on the hill's side over against him, and cursed as he went, and threw stones at him, and cast dust." 16:13

  668. "The wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. 18:8

  669. "And he fell ... upon his face." 18:25

  670. Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab by smiting him "in the fifth rib", of course. 20:10

  671. "Then cried a wise woman out of the city ... Behold, his head shall be thrown to thee over the wall ... And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." 20:16-22

  672. A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites." So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that a former king had done. 21:1

  673. To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9

  674. "They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land."
    God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him. 21:13-14

  675. "Ishbibenob, which was of the sons of the giant" 21:16

  676. "Saph, which was of the sons of the giant" 21:18

  677. There ... was a man of great stature, that had on every hand six fingers, and on every foot six toes, four and twenty in number; and he also was born to the giant." 21:20

  678. "These four were born to the giant in Gath." 21:22

  679. "The earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth." 22:8

  680. "There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth." 22:9

  681. "He ... came down; and darkness was under his feet." 22:10

  682. "He rode upon a cherub, and did fly." 22:11

  683. "The LORD thundered from heaven, and the most High (who?) uttered his voice." 22:14

  684. "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of his nostrils." 22:16

  685. "I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God."
    David is one of the most despicable characters in all fiction, yet here he brags about how perfect he is. (And God agrees with him! 22:22-24

  686. The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one time. 23:8

  687. Eleazar the son of Dodo killed so many Philistines that his hand stuck to his sword. 23:9-10

  688. David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 23:15-17

  689. "Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them." 23:18

  690. "Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand." 23:20-21

  691. "Thrity and seven in all."
    How come only 31 are listed in verses 24-39? 23:39

  692. God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says that Satan tempted David, and Jas.1:13 says that God never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census? And what the heck is wrong with a census anyway? 24:1

  693. Israel had 1,300,000 fighting men in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9

  694. God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chr.21:12 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13

  695. After God threatens to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people for a census that he inspired, David says, "let us fall now into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies are great." 24:14

  696. Finally, when an angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, "the Lord repented." That's nice, but why would a good God have to repent of the evil that he planned to do? 24:16

    1 Kings

  697. When Solomon was annointed king the people sang and shouted so loudly that it caused an earthquake! 1:39-40

  698. "The LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night: and God said, Ask what I shall give thee."
    God appeared to Solomon in a dream and offered him whatever he wanted. 3:5

  699. God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of all men. (He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also promises to "lengthen Solomon's days" if he will only "walk in my ways, ... as thy father David did walk." 3:12-14

  700. And Solomon awoke; and, behold, it was a dream."
    It was only a dream. None of it every happened. God didn't appear to Solomon and God didn't make him the wisest person on earth. It was just a silly dream like we all have now and then. 3:15

  701. "God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding exceeding much, and largeness of heart, even as the sand that is on the sea shore." 4:29

  702. How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have his heart "turned away ... after other gods?" (1 Kg.11:4) 4:29-31

  703. "He was wiser than ... Heman." 4:31

  704. The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny compared to the one he built for himself. According to 7:1-2 , God's house had less than one-quarter the floor space of Solomon's. 6:2, 7:1-2

  705. When the priests brought the ark into the temple, a "cloud filled the house of the LORD So that the priests" could not see. 8:10-11

  706. God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment for sin. 8:35

  707. When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 8:63

  708. The LORD appeared to Solomon the second time ... and the LORD said unto him...."
    God and Solomon have a long face to face talk. 9:2-3

  709. "They came to Ophir, and fetched from thence gold, four hundred and twenty talents, and brought it to king Solomon."
    420 talents would be about 31,500 pounds of gold, which would be worth more than one half billion U.S. dollars today. 9:28

  710. "She gave the king an hundred and twenty talents of gold."
    Since a talent was about 75 pounds, the Queen of Sheba gave Solomon 9000 pounds of gold, which would be worth around 144 million U.S. dollars today. 10:10

  711. "The weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred threescore and six talents of gold."
    Every year, Solomon received 666 talents of gold, which sounds a bit satanic to me. (666 talents of gold would weigh about 50,000 pounds and would be worth nearly 800 million U.S. dollars today.) 10:14

  712. "And the king made silver to be in Jerusalem as stones."
    When Solomon was king, silver was as common as stones in Jerusalem. 10:27

  713. "King Solomon loved many strange women."
    God didn't mind the number so much; it was their "strangeness" that he objected to. 11:1

  714. "He had seven hundred wives ... and three hundred concubines." 11:3

  715. His wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God."
    The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kings 4:31) was misled by his wives into worshipping other gods. 11:4

  716. His heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as was the heart of David his father ... Solomon did evil in the sight of the LORD, and went not fully after the LORD, as did David his father." David was one of the most disgusting characters in all fiction, yet "his heart was perfect with the Lord." 11:4, 6

  717. "Then did Solomon build an high place for Chemosh, the abomination of Moab, in the hill that is before Jerusalem, and for Molech, the abomination of the children of Ammon."
    Solomon (the wisest man that ever lived) worshipped many gods, including Ashtoreth, Micom, Chemosh, and Molech. 11:7

  718. "The LORD stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite."
    To punish Solomon for his strange wives and strange gods, God "stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite." 11:14

  719. "Joab ... had smitten every male in Edom."
    Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. Yet a few years later Edom revolted. (2 Kings 8:22) 11:15-16

  720. "And God stirred him up another adversary, Rezon." 11:23

  721. "Ahijah caught the new garment that was on him, and rent it in twelve pieces ... for thus saith the LORD, the God of Israel, Behold, I will rend the kingdom out of the hand of Solomon." 11:30-31

  722. "They ... have not walked in my ways, to do that which is right in mine eyes, and to keep my statutes and my judgments, as did David his father." 11:33

  723. "David my servant ... whom I chose, because he kept my commandments and my statutes." 11:34

  724. "Jerusalem, the city which I have chosen."
    God likes Jerusalem better than any other city. 11:36

  725. "If thou wilt ... walk in my ways, and do that is right in my sight, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as David my servant did...." 11:38

  726. "I [king Rehoboam] will chastise you with scorpions." 12:11, 14

  727. "The king took counsel, and made two calves of gold, and said unto them ... behold thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt." 12:28

  728. "And this thing became a sin." 12:30

  729. "There came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the LORD ... and he cried against the altar in the word of the LORD, and said, O altar, altar...." 13:1-2

  730. This is the sign which the LORD hath spoken; Behold, the altar shall be rent, and the ashes that are upon it shall be poured out ... The altar also was rent, and the ashes poured out from the altar, according to the sign which the man of God had given by the word of the LORD." 13:3-5

  731. "And his hand, which he put forth against him, dried up ... And the man of God besought the LORD, and the king's hand was restored him again."
    Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4-6

  732. "A lion met him by the way, and slew him."
    So there were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sent a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24

  733. After killing the "man of God" for God, the lion hung around with the ass and the carcass on the side of the road for a few days. 13:24-25, 28

  734. "When the prophet ... heard thereof, he said, It is the man of God, who was disobedient unto the word of the LORD: therefore the LORD hath delivered him unto the lion, which hath torn him, and slain him, according to the word of the LORD." 13:26

  735. Everything that David did was right in the eyes of the Lord. (See here for a sample of what God considers "right".) 14:8

  736. "But [Jeroboam] hast done evil above all that were before thee."
    Jeroboam did more evil than everyone who has ever lived. 14:9

  737. Killing everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10, 16:11, 21:21

  738. During Rehoboam's reign, every tree had a shrine with a sacred stone and every hill an Asherah pole. 14:23

  739. "And his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father." 15:3

  740. "For David's sake"
    God has a hard-on for David. He'll do just about anything for David's sake. 15:4

  741. "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite."
    David never sinned, "save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite." 15:5

  742. Did Abijam marry his own mother?
    Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah), Abijam was both father and brother to Asa. 15:9-10

  743. "Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, As did David his father." 15:11

  744. "Omri ... did worse than all that were before him."
    Omni was the worst person that ever existed (up to that time, anyway). 16:25

  745. "Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the LORD above all that were before him."
    Ahab was the worst person that ever existed. He replaced his father Omri as the worst person in the world. 16:30

  746. "Ahab did more to provoke the LORD God of Israel to anger than all the kings of Israel that were before him." 16:33

  747. Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and dinner. 17:6

  748. Elijah resurrects the widow's son. 17:22

  749. "He ... fell on his face." 18:7

  750. "The fire of the Lord fell, and consumed ... stones." 18:38

  751. "And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces." 18:39

  752. "The hand of the Lord was on Elijah, and he girded up his loins." 18:46

  753. "An angel touched him."
    Elijah was touched by an angel. 19:5

  754. "Behold, there was a cake ... and he did eat."
    Elijah ate some angel food cake. 19:6

  755. "He arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights."
    Elijah went forty days on two (angel food cake) meals. 19:8

  756. God passes by and causes a great wind, earthquake, fire, and a little voice. (God was in the little voice.) 19:11-12

  757. "The servants of the king of Syria said unto him, Their gods are gods of the hills."
    God killed 127,000 Syrians because they called him a "God of the hills." (See verses 28-30) 20:23

  758. God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites' hands, and 100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. (It was a really big wall.) 20:28-30

  759. "A man of God ... said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the LORD."
    God kills 127,000 Syrians because they said he was God of the hills but not God of the valleys. 20:28

  760. "The children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day." 20:29

  761. "There a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left." 20:30

  762. There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "Smite me." But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. True story. 20:35-36

  763. "A certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man refused to smite him." 20:35

  764. Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him." 20:36

  765. "When Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes." 21:27

  766. "And the LORD said, Who shall persuade Ahab?"
    God asks for volunteer among the guys hanging out with him. He wants one of them to lie for him so that he can get Ahab kiiled. 22:19-22

  767. God's dog food. 21:19, 22:23

    2 Kings

  768. He was an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins. And he said, It is Elijah." (Nobody dresses like Elijah!) 1:8

  769. Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. 1:10, 12

  770. When Elijah needs to cross a river, he just smacks the water with his magic mantle and crosses on dry land. 2:8

  771. "Elisha said, I pray thee, let a double portion of thy spirit be upon me." 2:9

  772. "Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven." 2:11

  773. "He took hold of his own clothes, and rent them in two pieces." 2:12

  774. Elisha repeats Elijah's trick of parting the waters of the Jordan by smiting them with his mantle. 2:14

  775. Elisha "heals" the waters by adding a pinch of salt. 2:20-22

  776. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24

  777. Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his eyes on the child's eyes, and his hands on the child's hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven times. 4:32-35

  778. Elisha put some meal (flour) in a pot to counteract the poison in a pot of stew. 4:40-41

  779. "When the king of Israel had read the letter ... he rent his clothes." 5:7

  780. "When Elisha the man of God had heard that the king of Israel had rent his clothes, that he sent to the king, saying, Wherefore hast thou rent thy clothes?" 5:8

  781. Elisha can do all the tricks of Jesus (raise the dead, heal the sick, etc.). Here he cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14

  782. Elisha makes an iron ax head swim. Neat trick, not even Jesus did that one! 6:6

  783. "Elisha ... telleth the king of Israel the words that thou speakest in thy bedchamber."
    Elisha is clairaudient (acquires psychic knowledge by auditory means). 6:12

  784. Elisha prayed and "behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha." 6:17

  785. With God's help, Elisha first blinds the Syrians and then restores their sight. 6:18-20

  786. "An ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver." 6:25

  787. When the king heard the words of the woman ... he rent his clothes." 6:30

  788. God forcasts the commodities market: Tommorow about this time, flour with sell for this and barley for that. 7:1

  789. God made noises to scare the Syrians. He's such a clever guy! 7:6

  790. The Edomites revolt. But how could they have fought when all of their males had just recently been killed? (1 Kg.11:16) 8:22

  791. Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins." 9:1

  792. "Wherefore came this mad fellow to thee?"
    One of Jehu's officers called Elisha a madman (which, of course, he was). 9:11

  793. "He driveth furiously."
    Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers. 9:20

  794. "When he was departed thence, he lighted on Jehonadab … coming to meet him … and said to him, Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? And Jehonadab answered, It is. If it be, give me thine hand. And he gave him his hand; and he took him up to him into the chariot."
    After meeting with Ahaziah’s family (and killing them all), Jehu got into his chariot and drove away furiously toward Samaria. On his way, he ran across his old friend, Jehonadab. Jehu asked him, “Is your heart true to mine as mine is to yours?” And Jehonadab said, “It is.” (They were very good friends.) 10:15

  795. When Jehonadab and Jehu were finally alone, Jehu said, "Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD." 10:16

  796. Elisha tells Joash to shoot an arrow out the window. Joash shoots the magic arrow out the window, which guarantees that he will "smite the Syrians" until he "consumes them." 13:15-17

  797. Elisha tells Joash to hit the ground with his arrow. So he smacks the ground three times. Elisha then yells at him, saying he should have struck the ground five or six times. If he had, then he would have completely wiped out Syria, but now since he only struck the ground three times, he'll only get to smite Syria three times. Shucks! 13:18-19

  798. A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21

  799. According to this verse, Ahaz was 36 years old when he completed his reign. And 18:1-2 says that he was succeeded by a 25 year old son, Hezekiah. This means that Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only eleven years old! 16:2

  800. Hezekiah, the son of Ahaz, began to reign when he was 25 years old. His father was 36 years old when Hezekiah took over (16:2). So Ahaz was only eleven years old when he fathered Hezekiah! 18:1-2

  801. While Hezekiah was busy doing things that were "right in the sight of the Lord," he broke the brazen serpent that God told Moses to make in Num.21:8. 18:3-4

  802. "Shebna ... and Joah with their clothes rent."
    People either tear their clothes or fall on their face when they get upset in the Bible. 18:37

  803. "When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes." 19:1

  804. An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses." I guess they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35

  805. Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered." 20:7

  806. Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11

  807. God plans to "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12

  808. "I [God] will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down." 21:13

  809. "When the king had heard the words of the book of the law, that he rent his clothes." 22:11

  810. "Because ... thou ... hast rent thy clothes." 22:19

    1 Chronicles

  811. The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good examples of the "endless genealogies" that Paul tells us to avoid (see 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9). Chapters 1-9

  812. Seven sons of Zerubbabel are listed, not five as is said in this verse. 3:20

  813. Five sons of Shemiah are listed, not six as is said in this verse. 3:22

  814. As if it wasn't boring enough the first time, ten verses from Saul's genealogy are repeated in consecutive chapters. 8:29-38, 9:35-44

  815. "So David waxed greater and greater: for the LORD of hosts was with him."
    It would be hard to find a more disgusting character in all fiction than David, but "the Lord of hosts was with him." 11:9

  816. The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 300 guys at one time. 11:11

  817. Eleazar the son of Dodo ... one of the three mighties ... slew the Philistines; and the LORD saved them by a great deliverance." 11:12-14

  818. David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 11:17-19

  819. Abishai killed 300 men with his spear. 11:20

  820. "Benaiah ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion." 11:22

  821. The Gadites had faces like lions and could run as fast as deer on the mountains. 12:8

  822. "The LORD said unto him, Go up; for I will deliver them into thine hand."
    God tells David to go to war with the Philistines, promising to deliver them into his hand. 14:10

  823. "David enquired again of God; and God said unto him, Go not up after them; turn away from them, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees." 14:14

  824. God tells David to listen for a sound in the mulberry trees. That sound will mean that God has already killed the Philistines. 14:15

  825. David gave every man and woman in Israel a large bottle of wine. 16:3

  826. "For his mercy endures forever." 16:34

  827. David's servants had their buttocks exposed. 19:4

  828. David puts on a crown weighing 1 talent (34 kg). (He had a very strong neck.) 20:2

  829. "The children of the giant" 20:4

  830. "A man of great stature ... he also was the son of a giant." 20:6

  831. "These were born unto the giant in Gath." 20:8

  832. According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5

  833. "And God sent an angel unto Jerusalem to destroy it: and as he was destroying, the LORD beheld, and he repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed, It is enough, stay now thine hand." 21:15

  834. "David lifted up his eyes, and saw the angel of the LORD stand between the earth and the heaven, having a drawn sword in his hand stretched out over Jerusalem." 21:16a

  835. "Then David and the elders ... fell on their faces." 21:16b

  836. David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14

  837. "The sons of Jeduthun; Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah, Hashabiah, and Mattithiah, six." But only five are listed. 25:3

  838. King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David. 29:7

  839. As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (5000 talents of gold, for example, would be about 150,000 kilograms, which would be worth about 4.2 billion US dollars in today's market.) 29:7

  840. "And the fame of David went out into all lands; and the LORD brought the fear of him upon all nations." (Even the Native Americans, Polynesians, and Chinese emperors feared David!) 14:17

  841. "Satan ... provoked David to number Israel." 21:1

    2 Chronicles

  842. Solomon enlists a huge workforce (over 150,000 men) to construct a small chapel. (See 1 Kg.6:2 where the dimensions of the building are given as approximately 90 feet long, 30 feet wide, and 45 feet high.) 2:2

  843. "Remember the mercies of David." 6:42

  844. "When Solomon had made an end of praying, the fire came down from heaven, and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices." 7:1

  845. Solomon, when dedicating the temple, killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 7:5

  846. "And begat twenty and eight sons, and threescore daughters."
    Rehoboam had 88 children (28 sons and 60 daughters) and wins the Bible's Quiverfull prize. 11:21c

  847. God sent Shishak, the king of Egypt, to attack Jerusalem because Rehoboam "and all Israel transgressed against the Lord." Shishak had 1200 chariots, 60,000 horsemen and "people without number" and he attacked Judah and "took the fenced cities which pertained to Judah." When Shishak's army came to Jerusalem, "the princes of Israel and the king humbled themselves" and said, "The Lord is righteous." So God decided not to destroy Jerusalem, but just make them Shishak's slaves instead. 12:2-12

  848. Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.) 13:3-4

  849. A half million soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17

  850. In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

  851. Everybody loved Asa and wanted to follow him because they could see that God was with him. 15:9

  852. Executing non-believers brings peace. 15:15

  853. According to this verse, Baasha fought with Judah in the 36th year of Asa's reign, yet 1 Kg.16:6-8 says that Baasha died in the 26th year of Asa's reign. So if both stories are true, Baasha was still fighting 10 years after his death! 16:1

  854. "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro." 16:9

  855. Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than "seeking the Lord.") 16:12

  856. The trouble with prophets 18:5-34

  857. God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets and speaks evil about people. 18:21-22

  858. The spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel (the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattanaiah) and told the people of Judah that they didn't have to fight against the Moabites, Ammonites, and Edomites. God would fight for them. And he did. God fought for them by forcing the members of the opposing army to kill each other. Then the people of Judah spent three days stripping the jewels and other valuables from the dead bodies. 20:14-25

  859. Jeroham "caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication." 21:11

  860. "There came a writing to him from Elijah the prophet."
    Jehoram began to reign after Elijah went to heaven (2 Kg.2:11, 8:16), so how could King Jehoram receive a letter from him? 21:12

  861. Jehoram was 32 years old when he began to reign and he reigned for eight years and then died (a 40 years old). After his death, his youngest son Ahaziah began to reign at the age of 42 (22:1-2). So the son (Ahaziah) was two years older than his father! 21:20, 22:1-2

  862. "Then Athaliah rent her clothes." 23:13

  863. "Jehoiada ... was full ... an hundred and thirty years old was he when he died." 24:15

  864. "The thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon, saying, Give thy daughter to my son to wife: and there passed by a wild beast that was in Lebanon, and trode down the thistle." 25:18

  865. God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21

  866. "He (Ahaz) ... burnt incense ... under every green tree." 28:4

  867. Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day. 28:6, 8

  868. "All Israel ... went out to the cities of Judah, and brake the images in pieces, and cut down the groves, and threw down the high places and the altars out of all Judah ... until they had utterly destroyed them all." 31:1

  869. An eight year-old king (Jehoiachin) did "evil in the sight of the Lord." 36:9

  870. "The LORD his God be with him, and let him go up." Now how's that for a strange ending? Actually, the last two verses from 2 Chronicles are taken from the first few verses of Ezra. It just happens that whoever decided to tack these verses on (for whatever reason) forgot to finish the sentence! 36:22-23

    Ezra

  871. In verse 11, the total number of items listed in the previous two verses is said to be 5400. The actual total is 2499. 1:9-11

  872. God's magical Urim and Thummim 2:63

  873. "The whole congregation together was forty and two thousand tree hundred and threescore [42,360]." Yet if we count up all of the numbers in the list just given in Ezra 2:3-62 we obtain a different number: 29,818. 2:65

  874. When Ezra hears of the intermarriages, he tears up his clothes, plucks out his hair and beard, and sits down astonished. 9:3

    Nehemiah

  875. Nehemiah gets so upset that he shakes his lap. 5:13

  876. God's magical Urim and Thummim 7:65

  877. Here we are told that the whole congregation totaled 42,360. But if we just total up the numbers given in Neh.7:8-62 we come up with only 31,089. 7:66

  878. The Israelites clothing didn't wear out while wandering around in the desert for 40 years. (God made the childrens' shoes grow with their feet so they wouldn't need new ones!) 9:21

  879. Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27

    Esther

  880. Because Modecai (who was a Jew) refuesed to bow to Haman, Haman decides to kill every Jew in the Persian Empire, offering to pay 10,000 talents of silver (~300,000 kg) to get the job done. 3:2-9

  881. The king sends out a decree to all the provinces declaring a kingdom-wide Kill-the-Jews day. It was to take place on the 13th day of the 12th month. 3:13

  882. "Mordecai rent his clothes." 4:1

  883. Haman's wife and friends tell Haman to have a 25 meter high gallows be made to hang Mordecai on. So they did that in a single day. 5:14

  884. The king couldn't sleep so he asked someone to read to him the book of Chronicles. That ought to do it! 1 Chornicles is probably the most boring book ever written. No one can read it without falling asleep. 6:1

  885. The king had completely forgotten that he had ordered the genocide of the Jews back in chapter 3. 7:5

  886. At Esther's request, the king orders a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from Egypt to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned to kill Jews shall be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day.
    (How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill them all and let God sort it out? And why did they need to kill the women and children?) 8:9-13

  887. On the day when all Jew-haters (and their families) were killed by Jews, "the Jews had light, and gladness, and joy, and honour ... a feast and a good day." 8:16-17

    Job

  888. Job was a perfect man, the richest in all the east. He had 7 sons and 3 daughters that liked to party. The sons often i nvited their sister over to party with them. 1:1-4

  889. "There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect."
    Nobody's perfect. Well, except for Job (and Noah). 1:1

  890. God makes a bet with his son, Satan. God tells Satan to do nasty things to Job to see if he can get him to curse God to his face. 1:6-12

  891. The sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them."
    Satan is the son of God -- the only one that God ever seems to talk to. 1:6, 2:1

  892. God asks where Satan has been lately (apparently God didn't know), and Satan answered saying, "From walking to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down on it." This verse inspired Mark Twain's Letters From the Earth.. 1:7, 2:2

  893. God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12

  894. God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't "foolishly" blame God. Since God was responsible, why would it be foolish to blame God? 1:20-22

  895. God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react. 2:3-7

  896. "So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7

  897. "They rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads." 2:12

  898. "Is there any taste in the white of an egg?" 6:6

  899. Does God pervert Justice? Well, if you believe the Bible he sure as hell does! 8:3

  900. Job says "my breath is strange to my wife." Mine too. 19:17

  901. "His breasts are full of milk." 21:24

  902. When things were going well for Job he washed his steps with butter and rocks poured out rivers of oil. 29:6

  903. Job's "bowels boiled." Now that doesn't sound pleasant. 30:27

  904. Job is the brother of dragons. 30:29

  905. "For God speaketh in a dream ... He openeth the ears of men, and sealeth their instruction." 33:14-16

  906. "That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it."
    God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it.
    38:13

  907. "For God speaketh in a dream ... He openeth the ears of men, and sealeth their instruction." 33:14-16

  908. "By the breath of God frost is given." 37:10

  909. "Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind." 38:1

  910. The morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy." 38:7

  911. God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it. 38:13

  912. God has snow and hail stored up to use later in time of trouble and war. 38:22

  913. "Out of whose womb came the ice?" Gosh, I don't know. Was it Glinda, the Good Witch of the North? 38:29

  914. "Who can stay the bottles of heaven?" Gosh, I don't know. I didn't even know there were any bottles in heaven. 38:37

  915. "Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" The unicorn referred to here is probably not the single-horned mythical creature, but rather a wild ox that was mistranslated in the KJV. 39:9-10

  916. Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor." 40:15-16

  917. "Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?" 41:1

  918. After God and Satan get done tormenting Job, God gave Job even more stuff than he had before, including children. God gave Job another set of 10 kids, with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15

  919. Job lived to be 140 years old. 42:16

    Psalms

  920. "The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9

  921. God made the heavens with his fingers. 8:3

  922. God's eyelids. 11:4

  923. Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1

  924. "They are all together become filthy: there is none that doth good, no, not one." Everyone is filthy and no one has ever done anything good. 14:3

  925. "My reins also instruct me in the night seasons."
    The Psalmist's kidneys (reins) instruct him at night. 16:7

  926. "At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." 16:11

  927. God's lips 17:4

  928. The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7

  929. Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth. 18:8

  930. God curved the heavens and came down to earth with darkness under his feet. 18:9

  931. God rides upon cherubs and flies through the sky. 18:10

  932. "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15

  933. "Try my reins and my heart."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 26:2

  934. "The Lord is upon many waters. ... The Lord sitteth upon the flood." 29:3, 10

  935. God's voice is so loud it can break the cedars of Lebanon. 29:5

  936. "He maketh them also to skip ... like a young unicorn." 29:6

  937. Those who fear God never starve. 33:19

  938. Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who are poor or hungry just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10

  939. "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all."
    Nothing bad ever happens to righteous folks. 34:19

  940. Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who starve to death didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3

  941. If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4

  942. The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In nature they inherit nothing, but die painful deaths from disease, starvation, and predation. 37:11

  943. The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7

  944. God's clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. In fact, now you can buy a candle that smells just like Jesus! 45:8

  945. Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They tell lies immediately after birth (before they can even talk!). 58:3

  946. According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move along. 58:8

  947. They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14

  948. "The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented. 59:10

  949. God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that he doesn't. Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says that he will throw his shoe at them. 60:7-8

  950. "The earth shook, the heavens also dropped at the presence of God: even Sinai itself was moved at the presence of God." 68:8

  951. God has 20,000 chariots and thousands of angels. "The Lord is among them." 68:17

  952. The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28

  953. "I was pricked in my reins."
    ("Reins" means kidneys in the Bible.) 73:21

  954. God is so strong that he can break the head of dragons and of leviathan. 74:13-14

  955. "The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were afraid." 77:16

  956. "The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry, and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22

  957. Man did eat angels' food." 78:25

  958. "He rained flesh also upon them as dust, and feathered fowls like as the sand of the sea."
    See Numbers 11:20-32, where God sends quails to feed the Israelites until it literally came out their noses. 78:27

  959. "And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He kicked their ass.) 78:66

  960. "I have said, Ye are gods." Jesus quotes this verse in John 10:34 to get out of a tough spot. (He was claiming to be God for which the Jews accused him of blasphemy.) 82:6

  961. "I will make mention of Rahab"
    Rahab is a sea-demon or dragon from ancient Jewish folklore. 87:4

  962. "Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10

  963. The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect -- "like the horn of a unicorn." 92:10

  964. "They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing." Being fat is is sure sign of righteousness. (Wicked people are skinny and hungry.) 92:12-14

  965. "A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about." 97:3

  966. "The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases. Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3

  967. "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy."
    Is this the same guy who demanded that peoples' heads be hung up before him to appease his fierce anger (Num.25:4), and who ordered the slaughter of thousands of innocent men, women, children (1 Sam.15:2-3)? 103:8

  968. "He smote ... their fig trees." (God hates figs) 105:33

  969. "The waters stood above the mountains."
    Noah's flood covered the highest mountains, just like it says in Genesis 7:20. 104:6-7

  970. God swears. 110:4

  971. "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." 116:15

  972. Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease." 119:69-70

  973. "The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night." So believers don't have to bother with sunscreen. God will protect them from sunburn, and moonburn too. 121:5-6

  974. "Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee."
    Jews, Christians, and Muslims all love Jerusalem, and fight each other for the holy city, exclusively given to them by God. None of them prosper. 122:6

  975. "Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it."
    God doesn't build houses or watch over cities; people do. 127:1

  976. "He giveth his beloved sleep."
    Don't bother getting up early and working hard. If God loves you, you can sleep in and let God take care you. 127:2

  977. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever." 136:10

  978. God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:15

  979. God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18

  980. God is in hell. 139:8

  981. Even the dragons praise the Lord. 148:7

    Proverbs

  982. "The proverbs of Solomon"
    The book of Proverbs was written several centuries after Solomon supposedly lived. So it wasn't written by Solomon. It was forged by someone who claimed to be Solomon. 1:1, 10:1

  983. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge." 1:7

  984. "Whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil."
    Whoever listens to God (or wisdom, or whoever is talking here) will always be safe. 1:33

  985. "If thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding; If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures; Then shalt thou understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding." 2:3-6

  986. If you keep the commandments, you'll have a long and peacful life. 3:1-2

  987. "Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to understand things; just accept whatever the bible and your religious leaders tell you. 3:5

  988. If you give money to God, he will make you rich and you'll have lots of wine. 3:9-10

  989. "A naughty person, a wicked man ... winketh with his eyes."
    Naughty, wicked people wink. (Like Sarah Palin) 6:12-13, 10:10

  990. God never allows good people to go hungry or the wicked to become wealthy. 10:3

  991. "The lips of the righteous feed many."
    Righteous people feed the hungry just by talking. 10:21

  992. "The desire of the righteous shall be granted."
    Righteous people get whatever they want. 10:24

  993. "The fear of the LORD prolongeth days." 10:27a

  994. "The years of the wicked shall be shortened." 10:27b

  995. "The righteous is delivered out of trouble." 11:8

  996. "The seed of the righteous shall be delivered." 11:21

  997. "The liberal soul shall be made fat." 11:25

  998. There shall no evil happen to the just."
    Bad things only happen to bad people. 12:21

  999. "The way of righteousness is life: and in the pathway thereof there is no death."
    Righteous people never die, they just smell that way. 12:28

  1000. The soul of the diligent shall be made fat."
    God makes the diligent fat. (Lazy people are skinny and poor.) 13:4

  1001. How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are the ones who get plenty to eat, and wicked are the ones who go hungry. 13:25

  1002. "The eyes of the Lord are in every place." 15:3

  1003. The fear of the LORD is the instruction of wisdom." 15:3

  1004. "When a man's ways please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him." 16:7

  1005. "A divine sentence is in the lips of the king: his mouth transgresseth not in judgment." 16:10

  1006. "The throne is established by righteousness." 16:12

  1007. "Righteous lips are the delight of kings." 16:13

  1008. "In the light of the king's countenance is life; and his favour is as a cloud of the latter rain." 16:15

  1009. "The hoary head [gray hair] is a crown of glory." 16:31

  1010. All games of chance (gambling) are controlled by God. 16:33

  1011. If you're afraid of God, nothing bad will ever happen to you. 19:23

  1012. "A slothful man hideth his hand in his bosom, and will not so much as bring it to his mouth again"
    I'm not sure what this means exactly, but I like to quote it to my son. 19:24

  1013. "The fear of a king is as the roaring of a lion: whoso provoketh him to anger sinneth against his own soul."
    It's a sin to make a king angry. 20:2

  1014. "A king that sitteth in the throne of judgment scattereth away all evil with his eyes." 20:2

  1015. A king that sitteth in the throne of judgment scattereth away all evil with his eyes." 20:8

  1016. "How can a man ... understand his own way?"
    Humans can't figure things out on their own. 20:24

  1017. "The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly." 20:27

  1018. "The beauty of old men is the grey head." 20:29

  1019. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." 20:30

  1020. "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will." 21:1

  1021. Those who are humble and fear God will live long and prosper. 22:4

  1022. Don't eat dinner with a person who has an "evil eye." 23:6

  1023. Every man shall kiss his lips that giveth a right answer. 24:26

  1024. "The heaven for height, and the earth for depth, and the heart of kings is unsearchable." 25:3

  1025. "Take away the wicked from before the king, and his throne shall be established in righteousness." 25:5

  1026. "The slothful hideth his hand in his bosom; it grieveth him to bring it again to his mouth." 26:15

  1027. "To have respect of persons is not good." (Treat everyone with disrespect.) 28:21

  1028. "Yea, my reins shall rejoice."
    ("Reins" is the Bible's word for kidneys.) 23:16

  1029. "Answer not a fool according to his folly ... Answer a fool according to his folly." 26:4-5

  1030. "As a thorn goeth up into the hand of a drunkard, so is a parable in the mouths of fools." 26:9

  1031. "He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him." 26:14

  1032. "They that seek the LORD understand all things." 28:5

  1033. "Happy is the man that feareth alway." 28:14

  1034. If you are greedy then you must have an "evil eye." 28:22

  1035. "He that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat."
    So that's why there are so many fat Christians! (And starving non-Christians.) 28:25

  1036. "He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool." 28:26

  1037. "Whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe." 29:25

  1038. "Every word of God is pure. See Ezekiel 23:20 and Malachi 2:3 for just two examples of the "pure word of God." 30:5

  1039. One of the four "wonderful things" is "the way of a man with a maid." 30:18-19

  1040. "The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33

  1041. Don't give your strength to women. 31:3

  1042. "Who can find a virtuous woman?" Virtuous men are much more common. 31:10

    Ecclesiastes

  1043. "The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem ... I the Preacher was king over Israel in Jerusalem ... I am come to great estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me."
    The author of Ecclesiastes claims to be the wise, rich son of King David, which is to say, Solomon. He isn't. Ecclesiastes was written (forged) about six hundred years after Solomon died (if he ever lived, that is). 1:1, 12, 16

  1044. "He hath made every thing beautiful."
    Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells, bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes. 3:11a

  1045. "No man can find out the work that God maketh."
    Science is impossible. We can learn nothing at all about the natural world. 3:11b

  1046. "That which is far off, and exceeding deep, who can find it out?"
    Who can find out? We can by using science! The earth, ocean, solar system, galaxy, and universe -- nothing is too deep or far away for science to discover and explore. 7:24

  1047. "Then I beheld all the work of God, that a man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun: because though a man labour to seek it out, yet he shall not find it; yea farther; though a wise man think to know it, yet shall he not be able to find it."
    Oh, I think science has done a pretty good job of finding things out over the last four centuries or so. 8:16

  1048. "Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days." 11:1

  1049. "In the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be." 11:3

  1050. "He that observeth the wind shall not sow; and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap." 11:4

    Song of Solomon

  1051. "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8-10

    Isaiah

  1052. The mouth of the Lord 1:20

  1053. "When he ariseth to shake terribly the earth."
    (Earthquakes happen when God gets angry.) 2:19, 21

  1054. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5

  1055. "He has stretched forth his hand against them ... and the hills did tremble." 5:25

  1056. God "will hiss unto then from the end of the earth." 5:26

  1057. An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7

  1058. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18

  1059. God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20

  1060. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3

  1061. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 11:4

  1062. "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25

  1063. "And  the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays.  11:8

  1064. When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 13:13

  1065. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22

  1066. Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29

  1067. "Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh." 16:11

  1068. God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5

  1069. While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3

  1070. "The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18

  1071. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18

  1072. God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20

  1073. "The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard."
    (Earthquakes are all a part of God's wondrous plan.) 24:18-20

  1074. God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1

  1075. God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding. 29:14

  1076. Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7

  1077. Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6

  1078. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26

  1079. God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28

  1080. "The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall shew the lighting down of his arm." 30:30

  1081. God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he even kindles a fire with it. 30:33

  1082. God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

  1083. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
    The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4

  1084. "And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7

  1085. "The cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl also and the raven shall dwell in it."
    Edom will become a birdwatcher's paradise. 34:11

  1086. Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14

  1087. "And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness."
    Pat Robertson and other whacked out Christians believe "the highway of holiness" is I-35.
    700 Club: I-35 Can Stop Homosexuality 35:8

  1088. "When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes." 37:1

  1089. An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36

  1090. God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8

  1091. The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same happens with people. 40:7

  1092. "The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven image."
    God hates Christmas trees 40:19-20

  1093. God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13

  1094. Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20

  1095. "He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire."
    God hates Christmas trees 44:14-16

  1096. "I have sworn by myself." 45:23

  1097. God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of his hands. (As a permanent tattoo or with temporary ink?) 49:16

  1098. "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23

  1099. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10

  1100. God shows off his bare arm. 52:10

  1101. "Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9

  1102. Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5

  1103. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

  1104. "Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16

  1105. "For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee." 62:5

  1106. "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

  1107. Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6

  1108. Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable things" or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17

  1109. Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24

    Ecclesiastes

  1110. "The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem ... I the Preacher was king over Israel in Jerusalem ... I am come to great estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me."
    The author of Ecclesiastes claims to be the wise, rich son of King David, which is to say, Solomon. He isn't. Ecclesiastes was written (forged) about six hundred years after Solomon died (if he ever lived, that is). 1:1, 12, 16

  1111. "He hath made every thing beautiful."
    Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells, bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes. 3:11a

  1112. "No man can find out the work that God maketh."
    Science is impossible. We can learn nothing at all about the natural world. 3:11b

  1113. "That which is far off, and exceeding deep, who can find it out?"
    Who can find out? We can by using science! The earth, ocean, solar system, galaxy, and universe -- nothing is too deep or far away for science to discover and explore. 7:24

  1114. "Then I beheld all the work of God, that a man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun: because though a man labour to seek it out, yet he shall not find it; yea farther; though a wise man think to know it, yet shall he not be able to find it."
    Oh, I think science has done a pretty good job of finding things out over the last four centuries or so. 8:16

  1115. "Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days." 11:1

  1116. "In the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be." 11:3

  1117. "He that observeth the wind shall not sow; and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap." 11:4

    Song of Solomon

  1118. "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8-10

    Isaiah

  1119. The mouth of the Lord 1:20

  1120. "When he ariseth to shake terribly the earth."
    (Earthquakes happen when God gets angry.) 2:19, 21

  1121. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5

  1122. "He has stretched forth his hand against them ... and the hills did tremble." 5:25

  1123. God "will hiss unto then from the end of the earth." 5:26

  1124. An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7

  1125. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18

  1126. God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20

  1127. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3

  1128. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 11:4

  1129. "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25

  1130. "And  the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays.  11:8

  1131. When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 13:13

  1132. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22

  1133. Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29

  1134. "Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh." 16:11

  1135. God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5

  1136. While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3

  1137. "The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18

  1138. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18

  1139. God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20

  1140. "The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard."
    (Earthquakes are all a part of God's wondrous plan.) 24:18-20

  1141. God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1

  1142. God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding. 29:14

  1143. Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7

  1144. Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6

  1145. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26

  1146. God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28

  1147. "The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall shew the lighting down of his arm." 30:30

  1148. God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he even kindles a fire with it. 30:33

  1149. God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

  1150. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
    The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4

  1151. "And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7

  1152. "The cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl also and the raven shall dwell in it."
    Edom will become a birdwatcher's paradise. 34:11

  1153. Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14

  1154. "And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness."
    Pat Robertson and other whacked out Christians believe "the highway of holiness" is I-35.
    700 Club: I-35 Can Stop Homosexuality 35:8

  1155. "When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes." 37:1

  1156. An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36

  1157. God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8

  1158. The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same happens with people. 40:7

  1159. "The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven image."
    God hates Christmas trees 40:19-20

  1160. God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13

  1161. Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20

  1162. "He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire."
    God hates Christmas trees 44:14-16

  1163. "I have sworn by myself." 45:23

  1164. God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of his hands. (As a permanent tattoo or with temporary ink?) 49:16

  1165. "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23

  1166. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10

  1167. God shows off his bare arm. 52:10

  1168. "Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9

  1169. Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5

  1170. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

  1171. "Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16

  1172. "For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee." 62:5

  1173. "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

  1174. Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6

  1175. Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable things" or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17

  1176. Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24

    Ecclesiastes

  1177. "The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem ... I the Preacher was king over Israel in Jerusalem ... I am come to great estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me."
    The author of Ecclesiastes claims to be the wise, rich son of King David, which is to say, Solomon. He isn't. Ecclesiastes was written (forged) about six hundred years after Solomon died (if he ever lived, that is). 1:1, 12, 16

  1178. "He hath made every thing beautiful."
    Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells, bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes. 3:11a

  1179. "No man can find out the work that God maketh."
    Science is impossible. We can learn nothing at all about the natural world. 3:11b

  1180. "That which is far off, and exceeding deep, who can find it out?"
    Who can find out? We can by using science! The earth, ocean, solar system, galaxy, and universe -- nothing is too deep or far away for science to discover and explore. 7:24

  1181. "Then I beheld all the work of God, that a man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun: because though a man labour to seek it out, yet he shall not find it; yea farther; though a wise man think to know it, yet shall he not be able to find it."
    Oh, I think science has done a pretty good job of finding things out over the last four centuries or so. 8:16

  1182. "Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days." 11:1

  1183. "In the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be." 11:3

  1184. "He that observeth the wind shall not sow; and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap." 11:4

    Song of Solomon

  1185. "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8-10

    Isaiah

  1186. The mouth of the Lord 1:20

  1187. "When he ariseth to shake terribly the earth."
    (Earthquakes happen when God gets angry.) 2:19, 21

  1188. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5

  1189. "He has stretched forth his hand against them ... and the hills did tremble." 5:25

  1190. God "will hiss unto then from the end of the earth." 5:26

  1191. An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7

  1192. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18

  1193. God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20

  1194. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3

  1195. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 11:4

  1196. "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25

  1197. "And  the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays.  11:8

  1198. When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 13:13

  1199. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22

  1200. Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29

  1201. "Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh." 16:11

  1202. God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5

  1203. While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3

  1204. "The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18

  1205. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18

  1206. God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20

  1207. "The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard."
    (Earthquakes are all a part of God's wondrous plan.) 24:18-20

  1208. God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1

  1209. God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding. 29:14

  1210. Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7

  1211. Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6

  1212. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26

  1213. God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28

  1214. "The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall shew the lighting down of his arm." 30:30

  1215. God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he even kindles a fire with it. 30:33

  1216. God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

  1217. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
    The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4

  1218. "And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7

  1219. "The cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl also and the raven shall dwell in it."
    Edom will become a birdwatcher's paradise. 34:11

  1220. Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14

  1221. "And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness."
    Pat Robertson and other whacked out Christians believe "the highway of holiness" is I-35.
    700 Club: I-35 Can Stop Homosexuality 35:8

  1222. "When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes." 37:1

  1223. An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36

  1224. God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8

  1225. The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same happens with people. 40:7

  1226. "The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven image."
    God hates Christmas trees 40:19-20

  1227. God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13

  1228. Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20

  1229. "He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire."
    God hates Christmas trees 44:14-16

  1230. "I have sworn by myself." 45:23

  1231. God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of his hands. (As a permanent tattoo or with temporary ink?) 49:16

  1232. "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23

  1233. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10

  1234. God shows off his bare arm. 52:10

  1235. "Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9

  1236. Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5

  1237. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

  1238. "Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16

  1239. "For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee." 62:5

  1240. "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

  1241. Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6

  1242. Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable things" or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17

  1243. Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24

    Ecclesiastes

  1244. "The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem ... I the Preacher was king over Israel in Jerusalem ... I am come to great estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me."
    The author of Ecclesiastes claims to be the wise, rich son of King David, which is to say, Solomon. He isn't. Ecclesiastes was written (forged) about six hundred years after Solomon died (if he ever lived, that is). 1:1, 12, 16

  1245. "He hath made every thing beautiful."
    Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells, bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes. 3:11a

  1246. "No man can find out the work that God maketh."
    Science is impossible. We can learn nothing at all about the natural world. 3:11b

  1247. "That which is far off, and exceeding deep, who can find it out?"
    Who can find out? We can by using science! The earth, ocean, solar system, galaxy, and universe -- nothing is too deep or far away for science to discover and explore. 7:24

  1248. "Then I beheld all the work of God, that a man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun: because though a man labour to seek it out, yet he shall not find it; yea farther; though a wise man think to know it, yet shall he not be able to find it."
    Oh, I think science has done a pretty good job of finding things out over the last four centuries or so. 8:16

  1249. "Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days." 11:1

  1250. "In the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be." 11:3

  1251. "He that observeth the wind shall not sow; and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap." 11:4

    Daniel

  1252. In all matters of wisdom and understanding ... the king ... found them [Daniel and his friends] ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers in his realm. 1:20

  1253. "King Nebuchadnezzar fell upon his face, and worshipped Daniel." 2:46

  1254. Nebuchadnezzar built a statue of gold sixty cubits high and six cubits wide. Taking a cubit to be 18 inches and assuming the depth to also be six cubits, this would give a total volume of 270 cubic yards -- which would have probably been more than all of the gold in all of the kingdoms of the world at that time. 3:1

  1255. Daniel's three friends were cast into a fiery furnace, but were totally unaffected -- not even a hair was singed. And they were joined by the Son of God (Jesus?), himself! At least that's who Nebuchadnezzar thought it looked like. 3:25-27

  1256. This part of the Bible was written by Nebuchadnezzar. 4:1-18

  1257. Nebuchadnezzar eats grass, his hair becomes like eagle feathers and his nails like bird claws. 4:32-33

  1258. A detached hand writes upon the wall, and when the king sees it "the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against the other." 5:5-6

  1259. Daniel was cast into the lions' den, but they didn't hurt him since God sent angel to shut the lions' mouths. 6:16-22

  1260. God's hair is white (but you already knew that!). 7:9

  1261. "I was afraid, and fell upon my face." 8:17

  1262. "I was astonished at the vision, but none understood it." (If Daniel couldn't understand his visions, then how could anyone else?) This is the one true prophecy in the book of Daniel: "none understood it." 8:27

  1263. Daniel sees a man fly swiftly. 9:21

  1264. Daniel is literally "Touched By An Angel." 10:16

    Hosea

  1265. God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3

  1266. "I will destroy her vines and her fig trees." (God hates figs.) 2:12

  1267. God acts like a jealous lover. 2:13

  1268. Because of the Israelites' disobedience, the land mourns, and all the animals are dying. 4:3

  1269. Because of the Israelites' disobedience, the land mourns, and all the animals are dying. 4:3

  1270. "They have made princes, and I knew it not." 8:4

  1271. God can roar like a lion. 11:10

  1272. God will rip humans apart and then eat them like a lion. 13:7-8

    Joel

  1273. The animals are perplexed and cry out to God after he torments them by burning their food and drying up the rivers.  1:18-20

  1274. "The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." 1:15, 2:1, 3:14

  1275. "A day of darkness and of gloominess, a day of clouds and of thick darkness"
    "The day of the Lord" will be dark and gloomy -- like a northern Idaho spring day. 2:2

  1276. On "the Lord's day", God's magical soldiers will not die when mortally wounded. 2:8

  1277. On "the day of the Lord" there will be earthquakes, the sun and the moon will be dark, and the stars will no longer shine. 2:10

  1278. God says he will repay Israel for the damage the locusts caused -- which he sent! And they will "praise the name of the Lord." 2:25-26

  1279. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood." These "signs" were a lot more impressive before the causes of solar and lunar eclipses were understood. 2:31

  1280. The Lord will roar and the heavens and earth will shake. 3:16

    Amos

  1281. The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael, Gaza, Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10, 12, 14; 2:2, 5

  1282. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:10

  1283. God says there are three or four reasons for him to punish Moab. But he only mentions one: "because he burned the bones of the king of Edom." So God burned Moab because they burned some bones. 2:12

  1284. God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars and as strong as oaks. 2:9

  1285. On the day of God's wrath, brave men "shall flee away naked." 2:16

  1286. God afflicts the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine) and drought. And then he wonders why they don't turn to him. 4:6-9

  1287. God sends the pestilence, kills young men with the sword, and makes t1e "stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils." 4:10

  1288. Many Christians look forward to the "day of the Lord," but according to these verses, they shouldn't. 5:18-20

  1289. "Wo to them ... that chant to the sound of the viol, and invent to themselves instruments of musick."
    Wo to musicians. 6:1, 5

  1290. "Woe to them ... that drink wine in bowls." 6:1, 6

  1291. "The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself ... I abhor the excellency of Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city." God swears to himself that he hates Jacob's palaces, so he will deliver up the city (and kill everyone in it). 6:8

  1292. "Hold thy tongue: for we may not make mention of the name of the LORD."
    (If God hears you, he'll probably kill you, too.) 6:10

  1293. God stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks to Amos. 7:7

  1294. God swears "by the excellency of Jacob." 8:7

  1295. "Shall not the land tremble for this?"
    (Earthquakes are a punishment from God.) 8:8

  1296. Amos sees God standing on the altar. 9:1

  1297. God will "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a sea-serpent. 9:1-4

    Obadiah

  1298. "We have heard a rumour from the LORD." 1

  1299. "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen." If so, then it must have come and past, unnoticed, long before the birth of Christ. 15

    Jonah

  1300. Jonah fled "from the presence of the Lord." (There are some places where God can't find you.) 1:3, 10

  1301. The sailors cast lots to see who was causing the storm. And it worked, too (casting lots always does), since the lot fell on Jonah. 1:7

  1302. Jonah believes that by throwing himself into the sea, the storm will die down. And it worked! 1:12-15

  1303. God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in the fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17

  1304. Jonah says a little prayer from the fish's belly. 2:1

  1305. God talks to the fish, and it vomits out Jonah upon dry land. 2:10

  1306. "Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days' journey." That would make it about 60 miles in diameter -- larger than Los Angeles! 3:3

  1307. Everyone in Nineveh (pop. 120,000) turned to God? Jonah must be one hell of a preacher! 3:5

  1308. God wants the "beasts" to cover themselves with sackcloth and "cry mightily unto God." 3:8

  1309. Jonah was angry when his preaching converted a city. 4:1

  1310. God prepares a gourd to shade Jonah's head. Then he prepares a worm to destroy the gourd. What a clever guy! 4:6-7

    Micah

  1311. "The LORD ... will come down, and tread upon the high places of the earth." 1:3

  1312. "The mountains shall be molten under him, and the valleys shall be cleft ... and I will pour down the stones thereof into the valley."
    (Earthquakes and volcanic eruptions are caused by God's anger.) 1:4-6

  1313. God (or Micah?) will "wail and howl" and "go stripped and naked." 1:8

  1314. Micah says "woe" to those that devise evil , but only two verses later, he devises evil against "this family." 2:1, 3

  1315. Watch out for lying prophets that bite (with their teeth). 3:5

  1316. "The prophets thereof divine for money." Some things never change. 3:11

  1317. "Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom."
    Advice like this is only found in the Bible. 7:5

    Nahum

  1318. "The clouds are the dust of his feet." 1:3

  1319. Tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of his anger. 1:5

  1320. "Knees smite together, and much pain is in all loins." 2:10

  1321. "Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will burn her chariots." 2:13

  1322. God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4-6

    Habakkuk

  1323. The Chaldeans' horses were faster than leopards and more fierce than wolves. 1:8

  1324. "God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet." 3:3-5

  1325. God measured the earth, scattered mountains, and made the hills bow down. 3:6

  1326. "Thou didst walk through the sea with thine horses." 3:15

    Zephaniah

  1327. "The day of the LORD is at hand." 1:7

  1328. God will punish the princes, the king's children, the merchant people, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel, leap on the threshold, or bear silver. 1:8-11

  1329. God doesn't have good night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to rob people of their houses, goods, and wine. 1:12-13

  1330. "The great day of the LORD is near." 1:14

  1331. Hide from God and hope he doesn't find you. 2:1-3

  1332. "The cormorant and the bittern shall lodge in the upper lintels of it."
    A prophecy for birdwatchers. 2:14

  1333. "Every one that passeth by her [Assyria] shall hiss, and wag his hand." 2:15

  1334. The Singing God: "God will joy over thee with singing." 3:17