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Absurdities in the New Testament

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    Matthew

  1. The gospel of Matthew begins with a boring genealogy like that we are told to avoid in 1 Timothy 1:4 ("Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies") and Titus 3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies"). 1:1-17

  2. Judah "went in unto" his daughter-in-law, Tamar, who was disguised as a prostitute. She conceived and bore Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus. (Gen.38:2-29) 1:3

  3. There are 29 generations listed from David to Jesus in Matthew's genealogy, while Luke's (3:23-31) has 43. Except for David at one end and Jesus at the other, there are only three names in the two lists that are the same. 1:6-16

  4. According to Luke 1:35, Mary knew before she became pregnant that the Holy Ghost would "come upon" her. If so, then she must not have told Joseph, since in this verse he is told by an angel after Mary is already pregnant. 1:20

  5. John has a good point in v.14. If Jesus is the sinless Son of God, then shouldn't Jesus be baptizing John instead of the reverse? Isn't baptism supposed to forgive sins and be a sign of repentance? If so, then why would Jesus need to be baptized? And what the heck is "it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness" supposed to mean? 3:14-15

  6. The Son of God is led by the Spirit of God to be tempted by the devil. 4:1

  7. "He had fasted forty days and forty nights."
    The Science of Starvation: How long can humans survive without food or water? 4:2

  8. The devil kidnaps Jesus and takes him up to the top of the temple, and then to the top of "an exceedingly high mountain," high enough to see "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the earth was flat in those days. 4:8

  9. Jesus forbids the taking of any kind of oath. Yet Christians in courtrooms throughout the United States place their right hand on the Bible swear to tell the truth. 5:34-37

  10. Don't defend yourself in court. 5:40

  11. "But if thine eye be evil...." There's nothing worse than an evil eye. 6:23

  12. "Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God feeds them. But, if so, he does one hell of a lousy job at it. Most birds die before leaving the nest, and the few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. If God is caring for them, pray that he stays away from you. 6:26

  13. Jesus says that we should not concern ourselves with material things, But Paul (1 Timothy 5:8) says that anyone who behaves that way has "denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." 6:31-34

  14. Ask, and it shall be given you."
    Mark Twain said there are "upwards of a thousand lies" in the Bible. But this is probably the biggest. How many desperate, frightened, broken-hearted parents have watched their children die while begging God to help? 7:7-8

  15. "This is the law and the prophets." If, as Jesus said, the golden rule summarizes the Old Testament's law and prophets, then why are these passages found in it? 7:12

  16. Many people who used to cast out devils in Jesus' name are now in hell! 7:22-23

  17. Peter's mother-in-law was sick with a fever. Jesus healed her by touching her hand, so she could get back to serving them. (Peter's mother-in-law? The first pope was married?) 8:14-15

  18. "They brought unto him many that were possessed with devils: and he cast out the spirits with his word." 8:16

  19. Jesus and his disciples were crossing a lake in a boat when a storm came. Jesus was asleep, so his chicken-shit disciples woke him up. Jesus rebuked them for having little faith and then calmed the winds and the waves. All of which was to show, what? That weather is sent by God and can be controlled by faith? 8:24-26

  20. The devils confess that Jesus is the Son of God. According to 1 John 4:15 ("Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God"), then, God dwells in the devils and the devils in God. 8:29

  21. After Jesus kills the herd of pigs by sending devils into them, the "whole city" asks him to leave. I don't blame them. 8:34

  22. "Thy faith hath made thee whole."
    If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 9:22

  23. Jesus heals two blind men. (Or was it their blind faith that healed them?) 9:27-29

  24. Jesus heals a "dumb man possessed by a devil." (Those who cannot speak are possessed by a devil.) 9:32-33

  25. "Jesus went about all the cities and villages ... healing every sickness and every disease." 9:35

  26. Jesus gives his disciples "power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness." 10:1

  27. Jesus tells his disciples to perform all the usual tricks: "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, and cast out devils." 10:8

  28. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21

  29. "He that endureth to the end shall be saved." 10:22

  30. God is involved in the death of every sparrow. He sees to it that they each die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. But don't worry. God will do the same for you. (He thinks that humans are worth much more than sparrows.) 10:29, 31

  31. Peter denied Jesus three times before men. Therefore Jesus must have denied Peter before God. 10:33

  32. John the Baptist is still not sure about Jesus (he's in prison and is soon to die). He sends his disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?" Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 11:3

  33. John the Baptist was the greatest man ever to live (even greater than Jesus), but "he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he." 11:11

  34. "And from the days of John the Baptist until now...." Until when? (John the Baptist was still alive when this verse was supposedly uttered.) Jesus continues to bewilder his poor disciples by saying, "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force." 11:12

  35. "Jesus ... said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes." Wise and prudent people have always rejected Jesus. They still do today. 11:25

  36. Jesus heals a withered hand. 12:10-13

  37. "Great multitudes followed him, and he healed them all." 12:15

  38. Jesus believed in the literal truth of the fish story in Jonah. 12:40

  39. Jesus predicts that he will be "in the heart of the earth" for three days and three nights. If by this he meant that he would be in the tomb for three days and three nights, then either he was mistaken or the gospels are in error. Because according to the gospels (this is one of the few things they all seem to agree on), Jesus was in the tomb for only one day and two nights. 12:40

  40. When an unclean spirit (whatever that may be) leaves a person's body, he goes out to find another. Not finding any, he comes back with seven other spirits more wicked than himself and repossesses the person. 12:43-45

  41. Jesus is rejected by those who know him the best -- the people of his home town of Nazareth. 13:55-57

  42. Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time (See Mt 16.13-14, Mk 6:14-15, 8:27-28, Lk 9:7-8, 18-19). If so many of Jesus' contemporaries could be so easily fooled regarding John the Baptist, what does this do to the credibility of Jesus' resurrection? 14:1-2

  43. "Jesus ... saw a great multitude ... and he healed their sick." 14:14

  44. Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over). 14:15-21

  45. "Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea."
    Jesus and Peter walk on water. You can too, if you have more than a little faith. 14:25-31

  46. "They sent out into all that country round about, and brought unto him all that were diseased ... and as many as touched were made perfectly whole." 14:35-37

  47. After the Canaanite woman grovels a bit more at Jesus' feet and admits to being "a dog," Jesus cast out her daughter's devil. 15:27-28

  48. Jesus went up on a mountain and healed "a great multitude" of lame, blind, dumb, and maimed people. 15:29-30

  49. The disciples wonder where they will get the bread to feed four thousand. But they should know by now, since Jesus just did the same trick in 14:14-21. These stories are probably the result of two oral versions of the same fictitious story. 15:33

  50. Opinions were divided regarding the identity of Jesus, but many thought that he was the risen John the Baptist. The fact that people could be so easily fooled regarding the Baptist's "resurrection" casts doubt on the resurrection of Jesus. 16:14

  51. When Peter expressed his dismay when Jesus announced his coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 16:23

  52. "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."
    If you want to stay alive, you must lose your life (kill yourself?) for Jesus' sake. 16:25

  53. Jesus takes Peter, James, and John up to a high mountain top, where his face began shining like the sun. Moses and Elijah show up, a cloud came over them, and a voice came from the sky saying, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him." 17:1-5

  54. "And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face." 17:6

  55. Jesus says that Elijah, whom he believes is John the Baptist, will come and "restore all things." But what things did John the Baptist restore? 17:11-13

  56. Jesus speaks harshly of his disciples when they fail to cast out the devil, saying "O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you?" 17:17

  57. If your faith is great enough, you can move mountains around. 17:20

  58. Jesus tells Peter to pay his taxes with a coin that he'll find in the mouth of the first fish that he catches from the sea. 17:27

  59. If you can get two other believers to agree with you, and the three of you ask God for something, he will give it to you. 18:19

  60. "Great multitudes followed him; and he healed them there." 19:2 able to receive it, let him receive it." Dangerous words from a guy who recommends cutting of body parts if they cause you to sin (Mt 5:29-30, 18:8-9; Mk 9:43-48). It might make someone castrate himself so that he could be one of the 144,000 male virgins, who alone will make it to heaven (Rev 14:3-4). 19:12

  61. Jesus lists the "ten commandments," but his list has only six, and the sixth is not one of the ten. The commandments given by Jesus are secular, not religious, in nature. 19:18

  62. Rich people don't go to heaven. For as Jesus says, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 19:23

  63. Jesus tells his apostles, "ye shall sit upon the twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel." I wonder which tribe Judas is judging? 19:28

  64. "Is thine eye evil, because I am good?" (What the fuck is that supposed to mean?) 20:15

  65. "Jesus ... touched their eyes: and immediately their eyes received sight." 20:34

  66. Matthew has Jesus ride into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass and a colt (must have taken some practice!). 21:2-7

  67. "The blind and the lame came to him in the temple; and he healed them." 21:14

  68. Jesus curses a fig tree and the tree dies immediately (showing the world how much God Hates Figs). But in Mark's gospel (11:14, 20-21) the cursed fig tree doesn't die until the next morning. 21:19-20

  69. If your faith is great enough, you can not only kill fig trees but move mountains around, too. Whatever you ask for you will receive. (O Lord, won't ya buy me a Mercedes-Benz?) 21:21-22

  70. The end of the world will be signaled by wars, famines, disease, and earthquakes (6-7). And that's just "the beginning of sorrows" (8). Next believers will be hated and killed by unbelievers (9), believers will hate and betray each other (10), false prophets will fool people (11), iniquity will abound and love wax cold (12). But hey, if you make through all that, you'll be saved (13).

    Only one more thing will happen before the end comes: the gospel will be preached throughout the world (14). Well, that and the abomination of desolations will stand in the holy place (15), many false Christs and false prophets will show great signs and wonders (24), the sun and moon will be darkened and the stars will fall (29), the sign of the son of Man will appear in the sky, everyone on earth will mourn, and then, finally, the great and powerful son of Man will come in all his glory (30).

    Oh, and all these things will happen within the lifespan of Jesus' contemporaries (34).

    Or maybe not. Jesus was talking about things he knew nothing about (36). (See Mark 13:32.) 24:3-51

  71. If you see the abomination of desolation in the holy place, try to understand. God is trying to say something. 24:15

  72. "Let them which be in Judea flee into the mountains." Why? Can't God find and kill them there, too? 24:16

  73. Jesus says there will be "false Christs" that will "show great signs and wonders." Well, Jesus himself according to Acts 2:22 fits this description. 24:24

  74. The kingdom of heaven like ten virgins who went to meet their bridegroom. Five had oil for their lamps and five didn't. When the bridegroom was ready for them, only the five well-oiled virgins got to have sex with him on their wedding night. The bridegroom shunned the other five, saying "Get lost. I don't even know you." The moral to the story is this: watch out, you never know when (or with whom) Jesus will come. 25:1-13

  75. "Eat; this is my body."
    Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. Did he mean this literally or figuratively? The question has divided Christians since the Reformation, but it's impossible to tell from the passage itself. If God inspired the Bible, shouldn't he have made its interpretation clear? 26:26-28

  76. "I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom."
    WooHoo! There will be wine to drink in heaven. 26:29

  77. "And he went a little farther, and fell on his face." 26:39

  78. "Then the high priest rent his clothes." 26:65
  79. The phrase "unto this day" shows that the gospel of Matthew was written long after the events it describes. 27:8, 28:15

  80. When Jesus died, "the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints" arose. But they stayed in their graves until Jesus rose from the dead, when they began to walk around, appearing to many in Jerusalem. 27:53-54

  81. "And behold, there was a great earthquake." 28:2

  82. "He is risen."
    Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 28:6

  83. Even some of Jesus' apostles doubted that the allegedly risen Christ was really Jesus. Well if they weren't sure, how could we ever be? 28:17

    Mark

  84. "Jesus ... was baptized of John in Jordan. And ... heavens opened, and the Spirit like a dove descending upon him: And there came a voice from heaven." 1:9-11

  85. "The spirit driveth him [Jesus] into the wilderness. And he was there in the wilderness forty days, tempted of Satan." 1:12-13

  86. "Unclean spirits" confess that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. If 1 John 4:2 is true, then these "unclean spirits" are of God. 1:23-24

  87. Peter's mother-in-law was sick with a fever. Jesus healed her by touching her hand, so she could get back to serving them. 1:30-31

  88. Jesus casts out more devils and tells them not to reveal who he is. 1:32-34

  89. "And he ... cast out devils." 1:39

  90. Jesus heals a paralytic man by forgiving his sins. (Paralysis is caused by sinful behavior.) Notice that Jesus didn't just heal him, he forgave his sins, which is something only God is supposed to be able to do. 2:3-12

  91. Jesus heals a man with a "withered hand." 3:1-5

  92. More "unclean spirits" confess that Jesus is "the son of God." 1 John 4:2 says that all such spirits are of God. 3:11

  93. Although the disciples weren't sure about Jesus even after his alleged resurrection, the "unclean spirits" knew that he was "the son of God." But Jesus told them not to tell anyone. 3:11-12

  94. "He [Jesus] ordained twelve, that they should ... have power to heal sicknesses, and to cast out devils." 3:14-15

  95. Jesus' friends thought he was insane. 3:21

  96. The scribes think that Jesus casts out devils by the power of the prince of devils, Beelzebub. 3:22

  97. Jesus becomes angry at those who said that he had "an unclean spirit," so he announces the unforgivable sin: "blasphemy against the Holy Ghost." 3:29

  98. "He arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm." 4:39

  99. A man possessed with "an unclean spirit" recognizes Jesus as the son of God. According to 1 John 4:2, 15, this man must have been "of God." 5:7

  100. Jesus has a conversation with a godly unclean spirit named "Legion." 5:8-10

  101. Jesus sends devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff and be drowned in the sea. When the people hear about it, they beg Jesus to leave. 5:12-13

  102. "A certain woman ... had an issue of blood twelve years...."
    So this is where all those phony faith-healing stories came from! Notice that the doctors made her condition worse, but she was instantly cured by faith. 5:25-29

  103. "Virtue had gone out of him."
    Jesus loses some virtue whenever sick women touch him. 5:30

  104. "Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 5:34

  105. Jesus is rejected by those who knew him the best, the people from his home town of Nazareth. 6:3

  106. "And he could do there no mighty work." 6:5

  107. Jesus sends out his apostles, two by two, to cast out "unclean spirits." 6:7

  108. "And they cast out many devils, and anointed with oil many that were sick, and healed them." 6:13

  109. There was much disagreement and confusion about Jesus' identity. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And some (like Herod in this verse) thought he was the risen John the Baptist, even though John had just recently died and the people must have known what he looked like. 6:14-15

  110. Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over). 6:34-44

  111. Jesus walks on water and calms the sea. 6:48-51

  112. "Whithersoever he entered, into villages, or cities, or country, they laid the sick in the streets, and besought him that they might touch if it were but the border of his garment: and as many as touched him were made whole." 6:56

  113. "An evil eye ... defile the man." 7:22-23

  114. Jesus puts his fingers in a deaf man's ears, then spits and touches his tongue. This immediately cured his deafness. 7:32-35

  115. The disciples wonder where they'll get food for thousands of people. But they ought to know by now, since Jesus did that trick in Mark 6:34-44. This "doublet" was probably the result of two oral traditions of the same story. 8:1-9

  116. Jesus cures a blind man by spitting in his eyes. 8:22-23

  117. Jesus' spit did not completely cure the blind. So Jesus tried again. He put his hands on the man's eyes and, this time, the blind man "saw every man clearly." 8:24-25

  118. There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And many thought he was a risen John the Baptist. With credulity like that just about anyone could later be passed off as the risen Christ. 8:27-28

  119. "Get thee behind me, Satan." When Peter expressed his dismay about Jesus' coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 8:33

  120. During the transfiguration, Jesus' clothes became whiter than white, while he chatted with Moses and Elijah. Then a voice came out of a cloud saying, "This is my beloved Son: hear him." 9:3-7

  121. Jesus told the disciples not to tell anyone about his mountain-top meeting with Moses and Elijah until after he rose from the dead. But the disciples didn't know what he meant by "rising from the dead." 9:9-10

  122. Jesus heals a boy with "a dumb spirit" by saying, "Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him and enter no more into him." (Sounds like a script from Monty Python, doesn't it?) But how could a deaf spirit hear the words spoken to it? And how could a dumb spirit cry out? 9:17, 25-26

  123. "All things are possible to him that believeth." 9:23

  124. The disciples saw some others that they didn't know "casting out devils" in Jesus' name. (It was a popular sport back in those days.) 9:38

  125. Immortal worms: "Where their worm dieth not" 9:44, 46, 48

  126. Jesus implies that he is neither good nor God. 10:18

  127. When Jesus lists the Ten Commandments, he only mentions five -- the humanistic ones that make no mention of God. He also gives one that is not included in the so-called Ten Commandments: "defraud not." 10:19

  128. Jesus says that rich people cannot go to heaven. For "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 10:25

  129. "Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. And immediately he received his sight." 10:52

  130. Jesus kills a fig tree for not bearing figs, even though it was out of season. He did this to show the world how much God hates figs. 11:13-14

  131. If you do "not doubt in your heart" you can cast a mountain into the sea (or kill a fig tree, or whatever). 11:23-24

  132. "Beware of the scribes, which ... make long prayers: these shall receive greater damnation." 12:38-40

  133. "The beginnings of sorrows."
    The end of the world will be marked with wars, famines, and earthquakes. (Thank God for that helpful hint!) 13:8

  134. "In those days ... the moon shall not give her light, and the stars of heaven shall fall." Of course this is nonsense. The billions of stars will never fall to earth and the moon does not produce its own light. 13:24-25

  135. Jesus says that heaven won't last forever. 13:31

  136. There are some things that Jesus doesn't know -- like when the end of the world will come. 13:32

  137. "Verily I say unto you, Wheresoever this gospel shall be preached throughout the whole world, this also that she hath done shall be spoken of for a memorial of her." OK, well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. I bet the gospel has been preached now and then without mentioning this incident. 14:9

  138. Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 14:22-24

  139. Mark says that those who quoted Jesus were "false witnesses," yet according to John 2:19, Jesus said what these witnesses said that he said. So how are they false witnesses? Did Jesus say, "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up"? 14:57-58

  140. "Then the high priest rent his clothes." 14:63

  141. "He is risen."
    Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 16:6

  142. "And they ... fled from the sepulchre ... neither said they any thing to any man; for they were afraid." The women were afraid and didn't tell anyone. If so, how did the author of Mark find out about it? Or was he just making it all up? 16:8

  143. "Jesus ... appeared first to Mary Magdalene ... And she went and told them that had been with him .. And they ... believed not." 16:9

  144. "After that he appeared in another form."
    Jesus transformed himself into a different form, appearing as a completely different person. (Maybe the disciples saw another person and assumed it was Jesus.) 16:12

  145. The true followers of Christ routinely perform the following tricks: 1) cast out devils, 2)speak in tongues, 3) take up serpents, 4) drink poisons without harm, and 5) cure the sick by touching them. 16:17-18

    Luke

  146. Zacharias and Elizabeth were both getting old, too old to have kids. But Zach prayed, so an angel appeared to tell him that God would take care of things for him. God would somehow get Liz pregnant and she'd have a son named John, who would be filled with the Holy Ghost from the moment God, the angel, the Holy Ghost, or Zach (or maybe all of them working together) got his mom pregnant. 1:7-15

  147. "They had no child, because that Elisabeth was barren."
    Oh God, another barren woman! It's always the woman's fault in the Bible. 1:7

  148. "There appeared unto him an angel of the Lord standing on the right side of the altar." 1:11

  149. "The angel said unto him, Fear not, Zacharias: for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name John."
    Whoopie! Another miraculous birth! Did old Zach have sex with Elizabeth or did the angel take care of things for him? 1:13

  150. "He shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb."
    John the Baptist was "filled with the Holy Ghost" even as a fetus! 1:15

  151. Zechariah asks the angel Gabriel how his wife Elizabeth could become pregnant, since she is "stricken with years." Gabriel makes him "dumb" just for asking. 1:20

  152. The angel Gabriel stopped by Nazareth to vist the Most Blessed Virgin Mary and say the rosary with her. OK, not really. He stopped by to tell her that the Holy Ghost would soon be getting her pregnant the way he did her cousin Elizabeth. But during his visit he did manage to come up with the first half of the "Hail Mary." 1:28

  153. Gabriel tells Mary that the Holy Ghost will come upon her and she'll be covered by the power of God, so "the holy thing" that she delivers will be the Son of God. 1:35

  154. "Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb [Jesus]."
    When Elisabeth saw Mary, she completed the first half of the "Hail Mary" that the angel Gabriel started in verse 28. 1:42

  155. John the Baptist, while still a fetus, leaped for joy when he heard the voice of Mary. 1:41, 44

  156. "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them...."
    I don't need to quote the whole thing, do I? You saw "Charlie Brown Christmas." 2:8-10

  157. "When eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS."
    Fore Shame: Did the Vatican steal Jesus' foreskin so people would shut up about the savior's penis? 2:21

  158. How could an omniscient being "increase in wisdom"? And how could God increase "in favour with God."? 2:52

  159. The soldiers [asked] what shall we do? And he said ... Do violence to no man, neither accuse any falsely." Good advice, except maybe to soldiers. Soldiers are trained to "do violence" to people. 3:14

  160. "The Holy Ghost descended in a bodily shape like a dove upon him, and a voice came from heaven, which said, Thou art my beloved Son; in thee I am well pleased." 3:22

    "Which was the son of Phares, which was the son of Juda."
    Judah "went in unto" his daughter-in-law, Tamar, who was disguised as a prostitute. She conceived and bore Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus. (Gen 38:27-29) It's a good thing it was more than ten generations ago. Otherwise Jesus could not "enter into the congregation of the Lord." (Dt.23:2) 3:33

  161. Jesus was full of the Holy Ghost and was led by "the Spirit" (the Holy Ghost?) into the desert to be tempted by the devil for forty days. 4:1-2

  162. Being forty days ... And in those days he did eat nothing."
    The Science of Starvation: How long can humans survive without food or water? 4:2

  163. The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the world was flat in those days. 4:5

  164. The people of Jesus' hometown (Nazareth) were so upset at him that they tried to kill him by pushing him off a cliff. But Jesus ran away. 4:28-30

  165. Jesus cured Peter's mother-in-law (by "rebuking" her fever) so she could get back to work serving them. 4:38-39

  166. The people brought all their sick people to Jesus, and he cured every one of them. 4:40

  167. Devils crawl out of people proclaiming that Jesus is "Christ the Son of God." According to 1 John 4:2, 15, these devils were "of God." 4:41

  168. Jesus, the master fisherman.
    Jesus got on Simon Peter's boat and told him to put down his nets. Simon told him that he'd been fishing all night and caught nothing. But he did as Jesus said. And they caught so many fish that it ripped the net and nearly sunk two boats. 5:4-7

  169. Jesus cures a man with leprosy. 5:12-13

  170. Jesus cures a paralytic by forgiving his sins, thereby proving that he is God (since only God can forgive sins) and paralysis is caused by sin. 5:18-25

  171. "And it came to pass on the second Sabbath after the first...." Huh? 6:1

  172. Jesus and his disciples break the Sabbath, and then make excuses for it. David ate stuff he wasn't supposed to, too, and besides Jesus is "the Lord of the Sabaath." 6:1-5

  173. Jesus heals a man with a withered hand. 6:6-10

  174. Jesus heals people that are "vexed with unclean spirits." 6:18

  175. "The whole multitude sought to touch him: for there went virtue out of him, and healed them all." 6:19

  176. Invite someone that has hit you to do it again, and if someone steals from you offer them something additional. Don't turn down any borrowers (Do Christian bankers follow this one?), and when you loan something don't ask for it back. 6:29-30

  177. Jesus cures the centurion's slave. 7:2-10

  178. "And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak." 7:12-15

  179. John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. He sends his disciples to Jesus asking: "Art thou he that should come? or look we for another?" Well, if he's not sure, how can anyone else be? 7:19

  180. Within a single hour, Jesus cured people of various plagues, evil spirits, and blindness. 7:21

  181. Jesus removes seven devils from the body of Mary Magdalene. 8:2

  182. Jesus speaks in parables so that people won't understand him. 8:10

  183. Jesus stops a storm by rebuking the wind and waves. 8:23-24

  184. Jesus heals a woman "having an issue of blood." It's the usual story: none of the doctors could cure her, but the faith hearer (Jesus, in this case) could. 8:43-44

  185. Jesus felt virtue leave him when the woman with the issue of blood touched him. 8:45-47

  186. "Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 8:48

  187. Jesus brings Jarius' dead daughter back to life. 8:49-55

  188. Jesus gave his disciples authority of all devils and to cure diseases. 9:1-2

  189. There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets; others that he was the risen John the Baptist. With such a credulous populace, is it surprising that some people would later claim, and probably even believe, that they had seen the risen Christ? 9:7-8

  190. "He [Jesus] ... healed them that had need of healing." 9:11

  191. Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over). 9:13-17

  192. Jesus wonders who people think he is. His disciples say that some think he's John the Baptist, others Elijah or one of the other prophets. 9:18-19

  193. Jesus falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see him return and establish the kingdom of God. 9:27

  194. Jesus takes Peter, James, and John up to a mountain top, where his clothes start shining. Moses and Elijah (Elias) show up and begin talking to Jesus, a cloud covers them and a voice came out of the cloud saying, "This is my beloved son, hear him." 9:28-35

  195. Jesus raises Moses and Elijah from the dead and has a conversation with them. 9:30

  196. Epilepsy is caused by devils. 9:39

  197. Jesus cures an epiletic child by rebuking an unclean spirit. 9:42

  198. "We saw one casting out devils in thy name; and we forbad him, because he followeth not with us." The disciples saw people who were not followers of Jesus casting out devils in his name. 9:49

  199. James and John ask Jesus if they can call down fire from heaven to consume the Samaritans who didn't much care for Jesus' teaching. They'd like to kill people the way Elijah did. But shucks, Jesus won't let them. 9:54

  200. Jesus' instructions to his disciples: Take no money or shoes and don't say hello to anyone that you pass by. Enter each house and eat whatever they feed you. Stay there; don't go from house to house. Heal the sick and say the kingdom of heaven is here. 10:4-9

  201. "He that heareth you heareth me; and he that despiseth you despiseth me; and he that despiseth me despiseth him that sent me." If you don't like what Pat Robertson says (or any other Christian), then you don't like Jesus, and if you don't like Jesus, you don't like God. 10:16

  202. The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them. 10:17-18

  203. "I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt you." 10:19

  204. Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him. 10:21

  205. People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14

  206. "Some of them said, He casteth out devils through Beelzebub the chief of the devils ... and others ... sought of him a sign from heaven."
    A reasonable hypothesis (assuming devils exist) and a fair request (assuming a god exists). 11:15-16

  207. "If I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your sons cast them out?"
    Jesus believed the Pharisees could cast out demons, too! 11:19

  208. Jesus says it is impossible to get rid of unclean spirits. If you manage to evict one, he'll soon return with seven others "more wicked than himself" and you'll be worse off than you were before. So just learn to live with whatever unclean spirits that are currently possessing you. 11:24-26

  209. Jesus insults his mother (the Most Holy Blessed Virgin Mary). 11:27-28

  210. "This is an evil generation." 11:29

  211. Jesus thinks that eyes can be evil. 11:34

  212. Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt 5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40

  213. "Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat; neither for the body, what ye shall put on." 12:22

  214. Don't worry about food, God will take care of you. 12:29-31

  215. Jesus tells his followers to sell everything they own and give the money to the poor. 12:33

  216. Jesus heals a woman with "a spirit of infirmity" by casting out a devil. (All illness is caused by devils.) 13:11-16

  217. When the Pharisees warn Jesus that Herod would try to kill him, Jesus tells them to tell Herod that he casts out devils, will be perfected on the third day, and will walk around Jerusalem for another couple days or so. 13:31-33

  218. "Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations." 16:9

  219. "If therefore ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will commit to your trust the true riches?" 16:11

  220. "The Pharisees ... heard all these things: and they derided him." 16:14

  221. "That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty, courage, truth, beauty, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of God." 16:15

  222. Those with little faith can pluck trees up by their roots and cast them into the sea. 17:6

  223. Jesus heals ten lepers. 17:12-14

  224. "One of them ... fell down on his face." 17:15-16
  225. There will be nothing subtle about Jesus' return. It will be like lightning that flashes from one end of the heaven to the other. Like the Wicked Witch of the West writing "Surrender Dorothy" in the sky. Like that. 17:24

  226. Jesus believes the story of Noah's ark. I guess you should too. 17:27

  227. Jesus also believes the story about Sodom's destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in the day the son of man is revealed ... Remember Lot's wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of science and history, and his sense of justice. 17:29-32

  228. "Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it." 17:33

  229. Increase your chance of being raptured: Pray to be gay! 17:34-35

  230. The parable of the avenging, lazy, unjust judge (God). 18:1-6

  231. "Thou knowest the commandments." But apparently Jesus didn't, since he only named five of the Ten Commandments. (Notice that the five on Jesus' list are the secular ones that make no mention of God.) 18:20

  232. Rich people cannot go to heaven. "For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." 18:25

  233. Jesus heals a blind man. 18:35-43

  234. Dead people have no God. 20:38

  235. Before the end of the world there will be many false Christs that claim the end of the world is near (Don't believe them) (8), there will be "wars and commotions" (but ignore that) (9), along with earthquakes, famines, pestilences, and "fearful sights" and "great signs from heaven" (11).

    Believers will be arrested and persecuted by the Jews, who will throw them in prison (12), friends and family will betray each other and some will be put to death (16), and believers will be hated by everyone (17). But don't worry. Not a single hair on your head will be hurt (even if you are killed) (18).

    When you see armies around Jerusalem, then you'll know desolation is near (20). Then it's time to head for the hills. Unless you're a pregnant or nursing women, that is. (23) Then you're just fucked. Too bad for you.

    God's wrath will be on everyone, with dead bodies all over the place, Jerusalem will be trodden on by Gentiles until "the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled." (24) There will be signs in the sun, moon, and stars, with lots of waves in the sea. (25)

    Everyone will be afraid of everything (26) and then they'll see the Son of Man coming in all his glory. (27)

    Oh, and all these things will happen within the lifespan of Jesus' contemporaries (32). 21:8-27

  236. Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 22:19-20

  237. "That ye may ... sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel."
    Which tribe will Judas judge? 22:30

  238. "He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." (Have you bought your Jesus sword yet?) 22:36

  239. Jesus tells the "good thief" that they will both be in heaven "today." But how can that be since it's only Friday and, according to the gospels, Jesus lay dead in the tomb Friday night and all day Saturday. 23:43

  240. When one of the disciples cuts off the ear of the high priest's slave, Jesus just puts the ear back. No problem. 22:50-51

  241. "He ... is risen."
    Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 24:6

  242. When Mary Magdalene and the other women gave their account of the resurrection to the apostles "their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not." 24:11

  243. Two of Jesus' disciples failed to recognize him after his supposed resurrection. Maybe that was because the person they saw wasn't really Jesus. 24:13-16

  244. The disciples spent the day talking to the mysterious man before finally recognizing him when "their hearts burned within them." 24:31-32

  245. "And as they thus spake, Jesus himself stood in the midst of them."
    Jesus just appears out of nowhere! 24:36

    John

  246. John baptizes Jesus and declares him to be "the Son of God." But later, as he is about to be beheaded, John is no longer sure what to think about Jesus. So he sends his own disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?" (Mt 11:3) Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 1:29-35

  247. Jesus had remote viewing skills. 1:48-50

  248. Jesus falsely prophesied that Nathaniel would see heaven open and angels descend upon Jesus. Nathaniel never saw it; neither has anyone else. 1:51

  249. Jesus' first miracle was to turn water into wine. 2:9

  250. Jesus believed the stupid and vicious story from Numbers 21. (God sent snakes to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water. Then God told Moses to make a brass snake to cure them from the bites.) 3:14

  251. "God so loved the world, that he gave his His only begotten Son."
    As an example to parents everywhere and to save the world (from himself), God had his own son tortured and killed. 3:16

  252. "John answered and said, A man can receive nothing, except it be given him from heaven." 3:27

  253. Jesus magically perceived that a Samaritan woman had been married and divorced five times previously. (He could spot a divorced woman a mile away.) Since women weren't allowed to get a divorce, it was always the woman's fault and divorced women were considered outcasts. This was a great opportunity for Jesus to explain why the Mosaic marriage laws were unjust and correct them -- if he thought they were wrong, that is, which apparently he didn't. 4:7-18

  254. "Come, see a man, which told me all things that ever I did."
    Jesus didn't tell the Samaritan woman everything that had ever happened to her. He just used the same trick that successful palm readers, astrologers, and fortune tellers use to make gullible people say to themselves, "How could he have known that about me?" 4:29

  255. Jesus heals a nobleman's son. 4:46-51

  256. Jesus cures a paralytic man. 5:5-9

  257. Whoever enters a pool after it is stirred up by angels will be cured of "whatsoever disease he had." 5:4

  258. Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He tells a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14

  259. "Jesus answered them, My Father worketh [on the Sabbath], and I work."
    Jesus says he and his dad always work on the Sabbath. (So you can too!) 5:17

  260. "As the Father raiseth up the dead, and quickeneth them; even so the Son quickeneth whom he will."
    Jesus can make dead people live just like his dad does. 5:21

  261. Jesus says that "the hour is coming, and now is, when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live." 5:25, 28

  262. Jesus claims that Moses wrote about him. Where? It's a shame he didn't give us chapter and verse. 5:46

  263. Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over). 6:5-13

  264. "They see Jesus walking on the sea." 6:19

  265. If you come to Jesus, he won't cast you out. 6:36

  266. The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, did not believe in him. 6:42

  267. Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have eternal life. This idea was just too gross for "many of his disciples" and "walked no more with him." (They are called Protestants nowadays.) 6:53-66

  268. Jesus knew who could stomach the idea of eating his flesh and drinking his blood (the Catholics, who are going to heaven) and who couldn't (the Protestants, who are going to hell). It's all a part of God's plan and we have nothing to do with it. 6:64-66

  269. Jesus chose "a devil" for an apostle. Oh well, everyone makes mistakes. 6:70

  270. Even Jesus' family didn't believe in him. 7:5

  271. Jesus accuses people of trying to kill him. But they  say to him, "Thou hast a devil: who goeth about to kill thee?" 7:19-20

  272. "We be not born of fornication" -- implying that Jesus was. 8:41

  273. After Jesus makes the foolish claim that those who believe in him will never die, his listeners reply, "now we know that thou hast a devil." 8:52

  274. Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt, and rubs the muddy spit on (or in?) a blind man's eyes. Then he told him to wash in the pool of Siloam. After that, the blind man could see again. The Bible doesn't say whether it was the holy spit, holy mud, or holy water that did the trick. 9:6-7

  275. "All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers."
    Everyone that ever lived before Jesus was a thief and a robber. 10:8

  276. "I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved."
    Enter through the Jesus door. 10:9

  277. Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and possessed by a devil. 10:20

  278. Lararus must suffer and die (or pretend to die) so that Jesus can "be glorified" by raising him from the dead. 11:4

  279. Jesus prays in public just to show off in front of others, "that they may believe." 11:41-42

  280. "Lazarus, come forth. And he that was dead came forth." 11:43

  281. You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go to hell after you die.) 12:25

  282. "While Jesus was praying, a loud noise came from the sky. Some said it was thunder, others said it was an angel yelling at Jesus." 12:28-29

  283. "The devil ... put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon's son, to betray him."
    God put the devil in Judas' heart so that he could have his son (or himself, or whatever) killed. 13:2

  284. Jesus takes off all his clothes, wraps a towel around himself, and then washes the feet of his disciples using the same towel. 13:3-5

  285. "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another."
    Love has hardly been a diagnostic feature of Christians. 13:35

  286. Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater miracles than he did! 14:12

  287. Jesus says that whatever you ask either him or his father for you will receive. Now how's that for a big lie? 14:13-14, 15:7, 15:16, 16:23

  288. Now that Jesus has come, non-believers have no excuse for not believing in him. 15:22

  289. He that hateth me hateth my Father also." Oh, that's a good one. If you don't like Jesus, then you don't like God. (You're a damned God hater.) On the Jews and Their Lies (Part 12) 15:23

  290. "Glorify ... me ... with the glory which I had with thee before the world was."
    The ever-so-humble Jesus asks his dad to glorify him with the glory he and his dad had before the world was created. 17:5

  291. "That they all may be one"
    Jesus prays that believers might all be one, thereby proving, once and for all, that nothing fails like prayer. 17:21a

  292. "That the world may believe that thou hast sent me."
    Since Jesus's followers are divided, and have always been divided, into a legion of conflicting sects, there's no reason to believe that his dad sent him -- according to Jesus's own test. 17:21b

  293. "That they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world." Jesus asks his father to let all of his followers see the glory that his father gave him before the world was created. 17:24

  294. "She [Mary Magdalene] ... knew not that it was Jesus." (Maybe it wasn't Jesus.) 20:14

  295. "When the doors were shut ... came Jesus and stood in the midst."
    After his resurrection, Jesus could walk through walls. 20:19, 26

  296. "Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed."
    Blessed are they that believe stupid things without (or even contrary to) evidence? 20:29

  297. "Jesus stood on the shore: but the disciples knew not that it was Jesus."
    Jesus was full of clever disguises! 21:4

  298. Peter is caught fishing naked. 21:7

  299. Jesus keeps asking Peter the same question: Do you love me more than all the others? Peter keeps telling him that he does. 21:15-16

    Acts

  300. While Jesus went up to heaven, two angels (men in white) stop by to tell the disciples that Jesus will return in the s ame way he just left them (by beaming up/down via transporter). 1:10-11

  301. Judas' replacement is selected by lottery. 1:26

  302. A mighty wind comes, cloven tongues of fire sit on top of heads, everyone starts speaking in languages they don't understand and act like they're drunk. 2:2-13

  303. "There were dwelling at Jerusalem Jews, devout men, out of every nation under heaven."
    (Polynesians, Native Americans, Australian Aborigines, Japanese, you name it.) 2:5

  304. Those who heard the apostles speaking in tongues thought they were drunk. 2:13

  305. Peter assures the crowd that the apostles aren't drunk, saying, "Heck, it's only nine o'clock in the morning. That's way too early for us to get drunk." 2:14

  306. Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living in "the last days." 2:17

  307. In the last days (which Peter believes have already come) God will show great signs and wonders -- things like "blood, and fire, and vapour of smoke." 2:19

  308. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood."
    It happens with every solar or lunar eclipse. 2:20

  309. Jesus did a little time in hell. I'm not sure what for. 2:31

  310. "The same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls."
    The number of believers went from 120 (1:15) to 3120 in a single day. 2:41

  311. "Fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the apostles." 2:43

  312. Peter heals a lame man. 3:2-7

  313. "When they had prayed, the place was shaken."
    The first prayer-caused earthquake. 4:31

  314. "By the hands of the apostles were many signs and wonders wrought among the people." 5:12

  315. The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16

  316. "The angel of the Lord by night opened the prison doors, and brought them forth." 5:19

  317. "Stephen ... did great wonders and miracles among the people." 6:8

  318. "All ... saw his [Stephen's] face as it had been the face of an angel." 6:15

  319. Stephen, filled with the Holy Ghost, delivers a long, boring, anti-Semitic speech in a synagogue. 7:2-53

  320. "When they heard these things ... they gnashed on him with their teeth." 7:54

  321. You can see lots of cool things when you're filled with the Holy Ghost. 7:55-56

  322. Philip made "unclean spirits" scream as they left the bodies of the people they possessed. 8:7

  323. "The angel of the Lord spake unto Philip, saying, Arise, and go." 8:26

  324. "Then the Spirit said unto Philip, Go near, and join thyself to this chariot." 8:29

  325. The Spirit caught Philip and transported him to a city miles away. 8:39-40

  326. On the way to Damascus, Paul sees a light and hears the voice of Jesus. 9:3-6

  327. Jesus blinds Saul. 9:8-9

  328. Ananias gets a secret message from God about where to meet Saul. 9:10-11

  329. Jesus and Ananias carry on a remote-vision conversation about Saul. 9:13-16

  330. Ananias meets Saul and magically restores his sight. 9:17-18

  331. Peter heals a man with palsy. 9:33-34

  332. Peter raises Tabitha from the dead. 9:36-40

  333. Cornelius gets a message from God: Go find Peter. 10:1-6

  334. Peter has a dream in which God show him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." The voice (God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13

  335. Peter describes the vision that he had in the last chapter (10:10-13). All kinds of beasts, creeping things, and fowls drop down from the sky in a big sheet, and a voice (God's, Satan's?) tells him to "Arise, Peter; slay and eat." 11:5-10

  336. The Spirit interrupts Peter's previous vision with an urgent message: "Three guys are looking for you. Believe whatever they tell say." 10:19-20

  337. "Behold, a man stood before me in bright clothing."
    If you see a man in bright clothing, it's an angel! 10:30

  338. Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38

  339. "The Holy Ghost fell on all them which heard the word." 10:44

  340. "They of the circumcision which believed were astonished ... for they heard them speak with tongues." 10:45-46

  341. A bunch of strangers came to get Peter, who was told by the (holy?) spirit to go with them and do whatever they said. So he went with them to another guyís house who had seen an angel who told him to believe whatever Peter said so that he and his family would be saved. When they arrived, Peter started talking, the Holy Ghost fell on everyone and they all lived happily ever after. (Or something like that.) 11:12-15

  342. Herod killed James the brother of John and imprisoned Peter "because he saw it pleased the Jews." (Jews just love to see Christians killed with the sword.) 12:1-3

  343. Open Sesame: An angel magically breaks Peter out of prison. 12:7-10

  344. "It is his angel."
    The Christians pray for Peter, but when he shows up, they don't believe it. They think he was "his angel" instead. (Peter had an angel that looked just like him.) 12:12-15

  345. "And the people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man."
    When Herod gave his speech the people shouted, "It is the voice of God, and not a man." 12:20

  346. "The Holy Ghost said, Separate me Barnabas and Saul for the work whereunto I have called them." 13:2

  347. "Then the deputy, when he saw what was done, believed."
    When the deputy saw that God could (through Paul) make people blind, he believed. (Who else shows off their power by blinding people?) 13:12

  348. David was "a man after [God's] own heart." 13:22

  349. The author of Acts talks about the "sure mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful. For an example of his behavior see 2 Sam 12:31 and 1 Chr 20:3, where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of several cities. 13:34

  350. Paul heals a crippled man. 14:8-10

  351. The people of Lystra thought Paul and Barnabas were the gods, Jupiter and Mercurius. 14:11-12

  352. "When the apostles, Barnabas and Paul, heard of, they rent their clothes." 14:14

  353. Some Jews convince the people (who think Paul is a god) to stone Paul. So they stone Paul and throw his body out of town, thinking he was dead. 14:19

  354. Can you get into heaven without a circumcised penis? Paul and Barnabas are sent to Jerusalem to meet with the apostles to settle the matter once and for all. 15:1-2

  355. God made choice among us, that the Gentiles by my mouth should hear the word of the gospel, and believe." 15:7

  356. "It seemed good to the Holy Ghost, and to us." 15:28

  357. When they read the no-need-to-get-circumcised epistle, everyone rejoiced. I bet. 15:30-31

  358. Paul said to Barnabas, "Let's go visit all the places we've preached at before and see how they're doing." Barnabas said, "OK, but let's take John called Mark with us." Paul said that he wouldn't go anywhere with that John called Mark guy. So they split up. Paul went with Silas and Barnabas with John called Mark. 15:36-41

  359. Paul circumcised Timothy, thereby making it impossible for him to be saved, according to his own words in Galatians 5:2. 16:1-3

  360. Paul and the newly circumcised Timothy were forbidden by the Holy Ghost to preach in Asia. (God just doesnít like Asians, I guess.) Then they tried to go to Bithynia, but the Spirit wouldn't let them do that either. Shucks! 16:7-8

  361. A man appears to Paul in a dream telling him to go to Macedonia. So Paul, who was a big believer in dreams, did as the dream-man requested. 16:9-12

  362. Paul expels a soothsaying spirit of divination. 16:16-18

  363. "The magistrates rent off their clothes." 16:22

  364. Paul and Silas were rescued by an earthquake that opened all the doors of the prison. 16:26

  365. If you "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ," then you and your whole family will be saved; otherwise, God will send you all to hell. 16:31

  366. The philosophers in Athens considered Paul a "babbler" who worshipped strange gods. 17:18

  367. Paul, a guy who converted to Christianity because he heard voices, calls the Greeks too darned superstitious. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! 17:22

  368. The first vow-induced shaved head
    "Paul ... having shorn his head ... for he had a vow." 18:18

  369. Paul introduces the Corinthians to the Holy Ghost and immediately they begin to speak in tongues and prophesy. 19:1-6

  370. "The school of Tyrannus" is the only school mentioned in the Bible. 19:9

  371. After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word of the Lord! 19:10

  372. Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12

  373. Jewish exorcists were so impressed by Paul's ability to cast out evil spirits that they decided to give it a try, saying to a evil spirit in a possessed person, "We adjure you by Jesus whom Paul preaches." But the evil spirit said, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know, but who the heck are you?" Then the possessed person jumped on the Jewish exorcists, and stripped off all their clothes. 19:13-16

  374. The first Christian book burning occurs when Paul's converts at Ephesus burn 50,000 silver pieces' worth of books. (A silver piece was worth about a day's wage.) 19:19

  375. A great multitude cry out "all with one voice" for two hours saying, "Great is Diana of the Ephesians." 19:34

  376. Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. But Paul raised him back to life by falling on and embracing him. 20:7-12

  377. In one of the few times that Paul quotes Jesus, he attributes to him words that are not found in the gospels. (It is better to give than to receive.") 20:35

  378. The Holy Ghost's girdle message: "Agabus ... took Paul's girdle, and bound his own hands an feet, and said, Thus saith the Holy Ghost, So shall the Jews at Jerusalem bind the man that owneth this girdle, and shall deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles." 21:10-11

  379. The Jews, once again, incite the people to kill poor old Paul. But he escapes and delivers another long, boring speech. 21:27-40

  380. Paul repeats the same stupid story that was told in chapter 9. (Well, not quite the same. Some of the details were changed to make it more interesting.) 22:6-10

  381. The people listened to Paul's speech, but didn't like it very much. After listening to it, they took off their clothes, threw dust in the air, and told the soldiers to kill him. 22:22-23

  382. "The night following the Lord stood by him, and said, Be of good cheer, Paul."
    The Lord (Jesus?) stopped by to chat with Paul. 23:11

  383. The Jews form a grand conspiracy to kill Paul. They vow not to eat or drink until the job is done. (The first hunger strike?) 23:12-15

  384. Oh boy, we get to hear the Damascus road story for the third time! 26:13-15

  385. Paul tells his sailing companions not to fear. He has an angel onboard that will protect them. 27:22-24

  386. Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The "barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought he must be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought him to be a god since he didn't die. (The snake story is especially interesting since there are no poisonous snakes on Malta, and there is no evidence of their existence in the past.) 28:3-6

  387. By praying and touching the sick people of Malta, Paul cures them of their diseases. 28:8-9

  388. The Jews of Rome refer to Paul's religion as a sect. 28:22

    Romans

  389. Atheists have dark and foolish hearts. 1:21

  390. God will judge the secrets of men using Paul's gospel. 2:16

  391. "If thou be a breaker of the law, thy circumcision is made uncircumcision."
    If you are circumcised and you break the law, your foreskin will grow back. 2:25

  392. Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The obvious answer to this is, yes. Paul then quickly adds, "I speak as a man." What else could he speak as? A donkey or a god, perhaps? 3:5

  393. Paul says that Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old. But Abraham, when he was even older, managed to father six more children with a new wife without any divine assistance (Gen 21:2, 25:1-2). 4:19

  394. The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an innocent victim. 5:9

  395. "If ... we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son", then God is truly a monster. 5:10

  396. God punishes everyone for someone else's sin; then he saves them by killing an innocent victim. 5:12

  397. God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20

  398. There is nothing good about Paul. 7:18

  399. "They that are in the flesh cannot please God." 8:8

  400. If Christ be in you, the body is dead. 8:10

  401. God intercedes with God by talking to, and sometimes even arguing with, himself. 8:27

  402. "All things work together for good to them that love God."
    One of the greatest and most absurd lies in all of scripture. 8:28

  403. If you are a child of the flesh, you are not the seed of God. Whatever that might be. 9:8

  404. Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to them. Even the Native Americans, Asians, Pacific Islanders? 10:18

  405. "Salvation is come unto the Gentiles, for to provoke them [the Jews] to jealousy." 11:11

  406. "This is my covenant unto them, [the Jews] when I shall take away their sins."
    Someday God will take away all Jewish sins. 11:27

  407. "As concerning the gospel, they are enemies for your sakes: but as touching the election, they are beloved for the father's sakes."
    Jews are enemies to Christians, but God loves them for their ancestors' sake. 11:28

  408. Gentiles used to be unbelievers, but now the Jews are the unbelievers and God saves gentiles through Jewish unbelief. It's all a part of God's plan. 11:30

  409. Non-believing Jews will obtain mercy through the mercy of believers. 11:31

  410. "God hath concluded them [the Jews] all in unbelief, that he might have mercy upon all." 11:32

  411. "Rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil."
    If you behave yourself, no king or government will mistreat you. 13:3

  412. It is wrong to borrow money. 13:8

  413. "If there be any other commandment...."
    Paul tries to list the Ten Commandments, but he only came up with five (the good secular humanist ones). Oh well, Jesus couldnít list them all either. (Mt 19:17-19) 13:9

  414. Only wimps are vegetarians. 14:2

    1 Corinthians

  415. Poor Paul is confused. First he says that he baptized no one. Well, except for Crispus and Gaius. And maybe Stephanus and his household. He can't remember if he did it to anyone else. 1:14-16

  416. God saves fools and is pleased with their foolishness. 1:21

  417. God has "chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise." 1:27

  418. If you are to be a good Christian you must try to know nothing (except for Jesus, of course). 2:2-5

  419. One saith, I am of Paul; and another, I am of Apollos; are ye not carnal?" Or confused, maybe? 3:4

  420. "If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire." 3:15

  421. Christians who want to be wise must become fools. But then they'll have a problem since fools shall not stand in the sight of God (Psalm 5:5) 3:18-20

  422. "We are fools for Christ's sake."
    Christians are "fools for Christ's sake" and therefore shall not stand in the sight of God (Psalm 5:5). 4:10

  423. Paul establishes his own cult (Christianity) by telling others to follow him. 4:16

  424. "Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life?"
    Believers will get to judge angels after they die. Who knew? 6:3

  425. A believer should not sue another believer in court. 6:6-7

  426. Paul asks if he should "take the members of Christ, and make them members of an harlot?" He further asks, "Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body?" 6:15-16

  427. "But to the rest speak I, not the Lord." Really? So this stuff is in scripture but is not inspired by God? 7:12

  428. "The unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband." (You can get saved by marrying a believer!) 7:14

  429. "Else were your children unclean; but now are they holy."
    The children of nonbelievers are unclean. (But believers' kids are holy.) 7:14

  430. Paul says those who are circumcised should "not become uncircumcised." (It's pretty hard to undo.) 7:18

  431. Slaves should not desire their freedom. Yet they should not be the servants of men. 7:21-23

  432. "Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment." So this is just Paul's opinion and is not divinely inspired scripture? 7:25

  433. Paul, like Jesus and the other New Testament writers, expects the end to come soon. "The time is short." So there's no time for sex or marriage, since the world will be ending soon. 7:29

  434. "Knowldedge puffeth up."
    Knowledge is bad. 8:1

  435. "If any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing." 8:2

  436. "As concerning therefore the eating of those things that are offered in sacrifice unto idols...."
    The short answer (that you'll find scattered around in this chapter) is this: Go ahead and eat animals that were sacrificed to other gods. Try not to do it, though, when weaker Christians are watching. You don't want to scandalize the weaklings, do you? 8:4

  437. Don't be an idolater. If you become one, God will make you sit down to eat and then rise up to play. 10:7

  438. If you tempt Christ (How could you tempt Christ?), you'll will die from snake bites. 10:9

  439. If you murmur, you'll be destroyed by the destroyer (God). 10:10

  440. Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile friends, then you are friends with devils. 10:20

  441. "If any of them that believe not bid you to a feast, and ye be disposed to go; whatsoever is set before you, eat, asking no question for conscience sake."
    Don't ask. Don't tell. 10:27

  442. In Galatians (1:10) Paul says, "If I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ." In this verse he says, "I please all men in all things." Therefore Paul is not the servant of Christ. 10:33

  443. Paul says that everyone should follow him -- not Jesus. He'll take care of all that for you. 11:1

  444. "Every man who prays or prophesies while wearing a hat dishonors his head." 11:4

  445. "Every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven." 11:5

  446. "A man ... is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man." 11:7

  447. Every women should have power on her head because of the angels. 11:10

  448. "Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered?" 11:13

  449. "If a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him." 11:14

  450. But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her." 11:15

  451. Those who eat and drink unworthily often get sick and die. (And then go to hell.) 11:30

  452. "Believeth all things" 13:7

  453. "Whether there be prophecies, they shall fail."
    Paul prophesies that all prophecies will fail. But since this itself is a prophecy, it also will fail (if the prophecy is correct), making it a false prophecy. 13:8

  454. "He that speaketh in an unknown tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God: for no man understandeth him." 14:2

  455. "He that speaketh in an unknown tongue edifieth himself." 14:4

  456. "I would that ye all spake with tongues." 14:5

  457. "I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than ye all." 14:18

  458. "Tongues are ... a sign ... to them that believe not." (That believers are bat-shit crazy.) 14:22

  459. "If therefore the whole church ... speak with tongues, and there come in those that are ... unbelievers, will they not say that ye are mad?" 14:23

  460. "If any man speak in an unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and that by course; and let one interpret." 14:27

  461. "If there be no interpreter, let him keep silence in the church; and let him speak to himself, and to God."
    (If you don't have an "interpreter", STFU.) 14:28

  462. "But if any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant." 14:38

  463. "He was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve."
    But Judas hanged himself (Matthew 27:3-5) and Matthias was not elected (Acts 1:9-26) until after the ascension. 15:5

  464. "If the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?" This is the verse that the Mormons use to justify their belief in the baptism of the dead. 15:29

  465. Paul shows his ignorance (and God's) of biology by saying that only dead seeds will germinate. Actually, a seed must be alive to germinate. 15:36

    2 Corinthians

  466. Saved people smell good to God. 2:15

  467. "We look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen."
    Believers see things that can't be seen (i.e., that are either imaginay or non-existent). 4:18

  468. "Walk by faith, not by sight." (Don't look where you're going.) 5:7

  469. If Paul is crazy, it's God's fault; If he's sane, it's yours. 5:13

  470. Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real sinners sinless. 5:21

  471. "Give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver."
    The televangelist's favorite verse! 9:7

  472. Bear with me a little in my folly. 11:1

  473. "As the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty"
    Paul believed the silly talking snake story in Genesis 3. 11:3

  474. Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some churches. 11:8

  475. There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember whether it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway, one of these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other guy was in paradise. He heard stuff, too, but it's illegal to talk about it. 12:2-4

  476. "I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me." 12:11

  477. "Being crafty, I [Paul] caught you with guile." 12:16

  478. Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5

  479. "The God of love and peace" is about as far from the Biblical God as it is possible to get. 13:11

  480. Greet one another with an holy kiss. 13:12

    Galatians

  481. If you do what other people want, youíre not a good Christian. 1:10

  482. Paul's gospel was not derived from the other gospels. It was revealed directly to him by God. (And it shows too. Paul knew nothing about the life and sayings of Jesus in the Gospels.) 1:11-12

  483. Jesus was cursed by God. 3:13

  484. "Brethren, I beseech you, be as I am." Forget Jesus. Be like Paul. 4:12

  485. "If ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing."
    (You canít be saved if youíre circumcised?) 5:2

  486. "I would they were even cut off which trouble you." Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul meant by "cut off". The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!" 5:12

  487. "See how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand."
    Paul was proud of his large handwriting. 6:11

  488. "Many ... desire to have you circumcised, that they may glory in your flesh." Seems like a strange thing to glory in. But OK. 6:12-13

    Ephesians

  489. After he died, Jesus "descended into the lower parts of the earth." 4:9
  490. The bloody death of Jesus smelled good to God. 5:2

  491. Those who engage in "foolish talking" or "jesting" will not go to heaven. (Guess where they will be going.) 5:4-5

    Philippians

  492. "Beware of dogs ... beware of the concision." I'm not sure who Paul is calling "dogs" here, but it's probably the Jews -- those of "the circumcision," as opposed to Christians, who are of the "true circumcision." 3:2

  493. "Be followers together of me, and mark them which walk so as ye have us for an ensample"
    Forget Jesus. Paul says you should follow him, or follow the people that follow him. 3:17

  494. Believe whatever Paul tells you to believe, think whatever he tells you to think, and do whatever he tells you to do. 4:9

  495. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
    Christians are superhuman and omnipotent. They can do whatever they want. 4:13

  496. "My God shall supply all your need." 4:19

    Colossians

  497. "Who is the image of the invisible God"
    What would an image of an invisible God look like? The invisible and the non-existent very much alike. 1:15

  498. "The gospel ... was preached to every creature under heaven." 1:23

  499. "Rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in my flesh."
    The suffering Jesus was not sufficient to satisfy God's wrath, so Paul (or whoever wrote Colossians) had to make up for what was lacking with his own sufferings. 1:24

  500. "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8

  501. "Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal."
    A slave owner that did this would set his slaves free. 4:1

    1 Thessalonians

  502. The elect and the damned are predestined by God. 1:4

  503. Paul, with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy, just, and blameless. 2:10

  504. Paul would have arrived earlier, but Satan hindered him. 2:18

  505. "Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming?"
    Paul believed that those alive in 49 CE would live to see Jesus come. 2:19

  506. "We told you before that we should suffer tribulation; even as it came to pass."
    Paul thought that the tribulation that he believed would precede Jesus' coming had already passed. 3:4

  507. Every man should know how to possess his penis or his wife (depending on the translation) in a holy way. 4:4

  508. "Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss." 5:26

    2 Thessalonians

  509. "Be not soon shaken in mind ... by letter as from us."
    What letter is being referred to here? Is it 1 Thessalonians? If so, then should Christians not read it to avoid being "skaken in mind?" 2:2

  510. If Paul wrote this letter (and many scholars think he didn't), then he is changing his mind (since writing 1 Thessalonians) about the timing of the Christ's return. The day of the Lord is no longer at hand. In fact it's nowhere near. Many things must happen first: there will be a great "falling away", a "man of sin" will be reveled, and Satan will show off his power by doing all kinds of signs and wonders. 2:2-9

  511. Jesus will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his mouth." 2:8

  512. Satan, not God, is all-powerful. 2:9

    1 Timothy

  513. "Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies." If we follow this advice we would ignore most of the Bible -- especially the genealogies found in Gen 10, 1 Chr 1-9, Mt 1, and Lk 3. 1:4

  514. "Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme." Apparently (see 2 Tim 2:16-18 and 4:14-15) their "blasphemy" was disagreeing with Paul. 1:20

  515. Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned after, Eve. But even though women are inferior to men, they shouldn't be discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15

  516. "A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have several. 3:2

  517. "In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4

  518. "Bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8

  519. You should help a widow only if she: has no children or nephews; is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time; is not living in pleasure (a widow living in pleasure is the living dead); is over 60 years old; had only one husband; has raised children; has lodged strangers; has washed the saints' feet; has relieved the afflicted; and has diligently followed every good work. 5:3-10

  520. Never help a young widow (one under 60 years old). When they wax wanton against Christ, they'll get married, and be damned to hell for rejecting their faith. Besides, young widows are idle busybodies, wandering around from house to house saying things they shouldn't say. They should get married and have children (though they'll be damned to hell for it). Heck, some of them have already turned aside after Satan. 5:11-15

  521. Paul advises us to stop drinking water. Rather, he says that we should drink wine for our "stomach's" sakes. 5:23

    2 Timothy

  522. The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26

  523. "All scripture is given by the inspiration of God." Even Judges 19:22-30 and Ezekiel 23:20? 3:16

    Titus

  524. "God, that cannot lie" God, like George Washington (but unlike the author of Titus who falsely claims to be Paul), cannot tell a lie. 1:2

  525. The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12

  526. Disregard "Jewish fables and commandments.quot; Like most of the Bible, maybe? 1:14

  527. "The grace of God ... hath appeared to all men." At the time this statement was written, only a very small minority had seen or heard about Jesus. And still today there are those who have never heard his name. 2:11

  528. "Not by works ... but ... by the washing ... of the Holy Ghost."
    People aren't saved by doing good things, but by the arbitrary decision of God. He decides who gets washed by the Holy Ghost and who doesn't. Hasa diga eebowai. 3:5

  529. "Avoid ... genealogies." Like Gen 10, 1 Chr 1-9, Mt 1 and Lk 3? 3:9

    Philemon

  530. Refreshing the bowels of the saints in the Lord 7, 12, 20

    Hebrews

  531. God swears by himself to himself. 6:13

  532. "Melchisedec ... to whom also Abraham gave a tenth part of all." Abraham gave Melchisedec one-tenth of all of the booty from "the slaughter of the kings," setting a fine example for religious hucksters everywhere. 7:1-2

  533. Melchisedec had no father or mother. He was never born (he just appeared ready-made by God) and he never died. He's still around somewhere. 7:1-3

  534. God will not forgive anyone unless something is killed for him in a bloody manner. 9:13-22

  535. "For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry." 10:37

  536. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
    Faith is believing without evidence things that you wish were true (but aren't). 11:1

  537. "Enoch was translated that he should not see death." 11:5

  538. "By faith Noah ... condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith." 11:7

  539. "Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed." 11:11

  540. "Therefore sprang ... so many as the stars of the sky ... and as the sand ... by the sea shore innumerable." (OK, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration.) 11:12

  541. "By faith they passed through the Red sea as by dry land." 11:29

  542. "By faith the walls of Jericho fell down." 11:30

  543. "Time would fail me to tell of Gideon, and of Barak, and of Samson, and of Jephthah; of David also, and Samuel, and of the prophets."
    The heroes of faith: Gideon, Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel. It would be hard to find a more monstrous group than these guys. 11:32

  544. "Others were tortured ... that they might obtain a better resurrection." 11:35

  545. "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." 12:6

  546. "What son is he whom the father chasteneth not?"
    What kind of father doesn't beat his sons now and then? 12:7

  547. God always hurts the ones he loves. And if God doesn't hurt you, you are a bastard, not a son. 12:8

  548. God ordered animals to be "stoned, or thrust through with a dart" if they "so much as ... touch the mountain." 12:20

  549. "Ye are come ... to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things that that of Abel." 12:22-24

  550. "Whose voice then shook the earth: but now he hath promised, saying ... I shake not the earth only, but also heaven."
    When God speaks there are earthquakes (and heavenquakes). 12:26

  551. Be hospitable to strangers for "thereby some have entertained angels." 13:2

  552. Avoid "strange doctrines." Those who do so will avoid nearly everything that the Bible teaches. 13:9

    James

  553. "If any of you lack wisdom ... ask of God ... and it shall be given him."
    This is the verse that set the 14-year-old Joseph Smith off to found the Mormon Church. That is just an example of the type of wisdom God can give you. 1:5

  554. If you "keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, "you are guilty of all." 2:10

  555. "If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man."
    There are many smooth talking crooks out there -- especially politicians! 3:2

  556. James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7

  557. "Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss."
    If your prayers are not answered, it's your own damned fault. 4:3

  558. "The coming of the Lord draweth nigh." 5:8

  559. "The Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." 5:11

  560. "Above all things ... swear not." 5:12

  561. "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms." 5:13

  562. If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-16

  563. "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." 5:16

  564. By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half years. 5:17

    1 Peter

  565. "Gird up the loins of your mind." 1:13

  566. "The precious blood of Christ ... was foreordained before the foundation of the world."
    God planned to kill Jesus from the get-go. 1:19-20

  567. "Who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good?" 3:13

  568. After he died but before his resurrection, Jesus went to hell to do a little preaching. 3;19, 4;6

    2 Peter

  569. The "angels that sinned" are the sons of God that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 2:4

  570. Noah was the first drunken preacher of righteousness. (Gen.9:20). 2:5

  571. Lot, who in Gen 19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

  572. The author of 2 Peter believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30) about the talking ass. 2:16

  573. The author of 2 Peter  is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" He tries to cover for Jesus by claiming that "one day with the Lord is as a thousand years." 3:4

  574. Paul's epistles are hard to understand. And that those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures, do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16

    1 John

  575. Christians are washed in the blood of Jesus. 1:7

  576. John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows" this because he sees so many antichrists around. 2:18

  577. They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us."
    Many Christians interpret this verse to mean that it is impossible for a true believer to become an unbeliever. (They become antichrists instead.) 2:19

  578. Whoever denies "that Jesus is the Christ" is a liar and an antichrist. If so, then there are about five billion antichrists now living. 2:22

  579. John says that whoever sins is "of the devil." But if what he said in 1:8, 10 is true, then everyone is "of the devil." 3:8

  580. How's this for a big lie? "Whatsoever we ask, we receive of him." 3:22

  581. John says that all spirits that say Jesus is the Christ are of God. If so, then the "unclean spirits" in Mark's gospel (1:23-24, 3:11, 5:7) must have been of God. 4:2, 15, 5:1

  582. John says that the antichrist was already present at the time 1 John was written. So Pat Robertson must be wrong when he says the antichrist is a Jewish man that is alive today. 4:3

  583. You're not living unless you've got Jesus. 5:12

  584. "There is a sin unto death." (But nobody knows what it is.) 5:16

  585. Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19

    2 John

  586. Non-Christians are deceivers and antichrists. 7

  587. "Whosoever ... abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God." 9

    3 John

  588. "He that doeth good is of God: but he that doeth evil hath not seen God." 11

    Jude

  589. God pre-ordained that certain "ungodly" men would deny Jesus. No one knows why. 4

  590. The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 6

  591. Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. 9

  592. "To convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken against him." (Ungodly was the author of Jude's favorite word.) 16

    Revelation

  593. The book of Revelation was revealed to Jesus by God and was delivered by an angel to a guy named John. 1:1

  594. "From the seven Spirits which are before his throne."
    The "seven Spirits" are the seven spirits of God (4:5) 1:4

  595. It all started when John was "in the Spirit on the Lord's day." He heard a loud voice claiming to be Jesus, telling him to write a book and send it to seven Asian churches. 1:10-11

  596. John's Jesus is surrounded by seven golden candlesticks. He has white hair, eyes of fire, and feet of brass. He holds seven stars in his hand and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:12-16

  597. "The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks which thou sawest are the seven churches." 1:20

  598. The book of Revelation was written for, and addressed to, various angels. 2:1, 8, 12, 18, 3:1, 7, 14

  599. "These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks." (That would be Jesus. Who else walks around with 7 stars and 7 golden candlesticks?) 2:1b

  600. Jesus has something against the church of Ephesus. It left its first love, and unless it repents, Jesus will come and take away its candlestick. 2:4-5

  601. Thou [the church of Ephesus] hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitanes, which I [Jesus/God] also hate. 2:6

  602. "To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God." 2:7

  603. "He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death." 2:11

  604. Jesus knows where Satan's seat is: it's in the town of Pergamos! 2:13

  605. Jesus has a few things against Pergamos, too. There was that stuff a while back with Balaam and Balac, eating things sacrificed to idols, fornication, and whatnot. But he really hates the doctrine of Nicolaitanes. 2:14-15

  606. Wow! If you overcome, Jesus will give you mana and a white stone with a new secret name written on it! 2:17

  607. Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his mouth. (Like the limbless knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") 2:16

  608. Wow! If you overcome, Jesus will give you mana and a white stone with a new secret name written on it! 2:17

  609. John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes of fire and feet of brass. 2:18

  610. Those in Thyatira that obey God/Jesus until the end will rule everyone else with an iron rod. They'll even get to smash the others into pieces. He'll even throw in the morning star (the planet Venus?). 2:26-28

  611. "These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars." That'd be Jesus. He has the seven Spirits of God (Does that include the Holy Spirit?) along with the seven stars that he carries around in his right hand. (It's kind of a good luck charm, I think.) 3:1

  612. There are a few worthy Sardisians that haven't soiled their clothes; they will get to walk around with Jesus wearing white garments. 3:4

  613. Any Philadelphian that overcomes will have the names of God, God's city (new Jerusalem), and Jesus' new name tattooed on him! 3:12

  614. God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of thy nakedness do not appear." 3:18

  615. John's spirit goes to heaven. 4:1-10

  616. "There were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God." 4:5

  617. John sees four beasts (lion, calf, man, eagle) each with six wings and "full of eyes." 4:6-8

  618. John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." 5:6

  619. God gives someone on a white horse a bow and sends him out to conquer people. 6:2

  620. The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around. 6:12-14

  621. God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads." This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job. 7:3

  622. 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. 7:4

  623. "All the angels ... and the four beasts ... fell before the throne on their faces." 7:11

  624. Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in the blood of the lamb. 7:14

  625. "When he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour."
    That must have been nice. Too bad it didn't last. 8:1

  626. "The seven angels ... were given seven trumpets."
    When the seventh and last seal is opened, seven angels were given seven trumpets. When they start blowing them, all hell breaks loose. 8:2

  627. An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. 8:5

  628. "And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the Bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. 8:10

  629. The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12

  630. An angel flies through heaven screaming, "Woe, woe, woe to the inhabiters of the earth." 8:13

  631. The fifth trumpet sounds and another star falls from heaven. The angel is given the key to a bottomless pit, containing smoke and powerful locusts. 9:1

  632. God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five months. 9:7-10

  633. Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population. 9:15-19

  634. An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10

  635. Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their mouths. 11:3-5

  636. God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6

  637. After God's witnesses "have finished their testimony," they are  killed in a war with a beast from a bottomless pit. 11:7

  638. The bodies of God's witnesses will lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

  639. "The four and twenty elders ... fell upon their faces." 11:16

  640. "Thy wrath is come ... that thou ... shouldest destroy them which destroy the earth."
    God just told us about his fire-breathing trees and candlesticks that will make the rain stop, turn rivers and oceans into blood, and smite the earth with plagues" (11:4-6), but now he says he will destroy those that destroy the earth. I guess God's going to commit suicide. Good idea. 11:18

  641. "There were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail." 11:19

  642. Catholics say the "woman clothed with the sun" is Mary; Protestants say it is Israel, the church, or Eve. But whoever she is, she's pregnant and the dragon wants to eat her newborn baby. He's worked up an appetite by knocking down 1/3 of the stars with his tail. But when the woman delivered, God beamed her baby boy up to heaven. Then the woman went into the wilderness to feed for 1260 days. Whatever. 12:1-6

  643. "And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7

  644. The Return of the Dragon
    The dragon is kicked out of heaven, so he comes back to earth to look for "the woman clothed with the sun." But she was given a couple of eagle wings to be nourished in the wilderness "a time, and times, and half a time." Then the dragon spit out a river, but the earth swallowed up in order to help the woman. So the dragon went to war with her seed. (I think the movie was better.) 12:12-17

  645. John sees a sea monster with 7 heads and 10 horns, and with "blasphemy" written on on each head. It looked like a leopard, except its feet were like a bear, and its mouth like a lion. 13:1-2

  646. "All the world" worshiped the dragon and the beast. 13:3-4

  647. The beast goes to war against the "saints". He is given power (by God?) over all nations, and all non-Christians worship him. 13:7-8

  648. John sees another beast coming out of the earth with horns like a lamb and a voice like a dragon. He could do "great wonders," like make fire come down from the sky. 13:11-13

  649. The people make an image of the beast that can speak. Anyone who refuses to worship the image is killed. 13:13-15

  650. John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this number. 13:16-18

  651. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 14:1-4

  652. Jesus sits on a white cloud with a sharp sickle in his hand. When the angel tells him to reap, he kills all the people with his sickle. 14:14-18

  653. "One of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God." 15:7

  654. The angel says God is righteous for turning rivers into blood. Well, it's an interesting point of view. But I'd say he's a raving lunatic. 16:5

  655. Another angel tells God how righteous he is because he gives saints blood to drink. 16:7

  656. Those who were being burned to death by God didn't repent "to give him glory." 16:9

  657. Even after being burned alive, those nasty people wouldn't repent! 16:11

  658. Three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet. They are miracle-working devils that gather kings to fight in God's upcoming war. 16:13-14

  659. "Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame." 16:15

  660. The seventh vial: voices, thunders, lightnings, earthquakes, hail. 16:17-21

  661. God destroyed every island and mountain (just for the hell of it). 16:20

  662. "A great hall out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent"
    Since a talent was about 33 kilograms, this would be a new world record. (The current record holder weighed only 0.75 kg.) 16:21

  663. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

  664. "The beast that was, and is not, and yet is." 17:8

  665. "And here is the mind which hath wisdom. The seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth..." 17:9-13

  666. "And he saith unto me, The waters which thou sawest, where the whore sitteth, are peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues." 17:15

  667. "They shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire." (Are they going to eat her first and then burn her?) 17:16-17

  668. Babylon has fallen. All nation have drunk the wine of her fornication, and the kings committed fornication with her. Now Babylon is inhabited by devils, foul spirits, and unclean, hateful birds. 18:1-3

  669. "The four beasts fell down and worshipped God ... saying, Amen; Alleluia." 19:4

  670. "The Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready." Woohoo! Jesus is finally getting married. (Well, the lamb is, anyway. And I guess that's Jesus.) 19:7

  671. Jesus has eyes of fire and many crowns on his head. But no one knows his name except for Jesus himself, and he's not telling (well until the next verse, that is). 19:12

  672. Jesus' clothes are dipped in blood and his secret name ("that no man knew") is "The Word of God". (I bet you thought it was Jesus!) 19:13

  673. With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the faithful in heaven into holy war on earth. 19:14-15

  674. "And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS."
    Oh Goodie. Jesus has another secret name. He even has it written on his thigh. (Some sort of tattoo maybe?) 19:16

  675. An angel locks up Satan for 1000 years. 20:1-3

  676. "The first resurrection" Those who don't worship the beast will become priests and reign with Christ for 1000 years. The rest of the dead will remain dead until the 1000 years is over. 20:4-6

  677. Heaven is a cube, twelve thousand furlongs (2400 km) on a side. 21:16

  678. In heaven there will be a tree that has 12 kinds of fruit with leaves that will heal nations. And there will be horses of different colors, singing munchkins, and a great and powerful wizard. 22:2

  679. "Behold, I come quickly." 7, 12, 20

  680. "His name shall be in their foreheads."
    Which of Jesus' many secret names will that be? Will believers have "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" branded on their foreheads like Jesus has tattooed to his thigh? Or "The Word of God" or "Jealous?" And what about each believer's new secret name? Does God have to mark his followers on their foreheads? Can't he tell the ones that are stupid enough to believe this kind of stuff? 22:4

  681. "Things which must shortly be done" 22:6

  682. "The time is at hand." 22:10

  683. "He which is filthy, let him be filthy still." 22:11

  684. This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer in Isaiah 14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? 22:16

  685. Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19

    James

  686. "If any of you lack wisdom ... ask of God ... and it shall be given him."
    This is the verse that set the 14-year-old Joseph Smith off to found the Mormon Church. That is just an example of the type of wisdom God can give you. 1:5

  687. If you "keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, "you are guilty of all." 2:10

  688. "If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man."
    There are many smooth talking crooks out there -- especially politicians! 3:2

  689. James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7

  690. "Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss."
    If your prayers are not answered, it's your own damned fault. 4:3

  691. "The coming of the Lord draweth nigh." 5:8

  692. "The Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." 5:11

  693. "Above all things ... swear not." 5:12

  694. "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms." 5:13

  695. If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-16

  696. "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." 5:16

  697. By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half years. 5:17

    1 Peter

  698. "Gird up the loins of your mind." 1:13

  699. "The precious blood of Christ ... was foreordained before the foundation of the world."
    God planned to kill Jesus from the get-go. 1:19-20

  700. "Who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good?" 3:13

  701. The devil is like a lion who wanders around looking for people to eat. 5:8

    2 Peter

  702. The "angels that sinned" are the sons of God that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 2:4

  703. Noah was the first drunken preacher of righteousness. (Gen.9:20). 2:5

  704. Lot, who in Gen 19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

  705. The author of 2 Peter believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30) about the talking ass. 2:16

  706. The author of 2 Peter  is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" He tries to cover for Jesus by claiming that "one day with the Lord is as a thousand years." 3:4

  707. Paul's epistles are hard to understand. And that those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures, do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16

    1 John

  708. Christians are washed in the blood of Jesus. 1:7

  709. John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows" this because he sees so many antichrists around. 2:18

  710. They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us."
    Many Christians interpret this verse to mean that it is impossible for a true believer to become an unbeliever. (They become antichrists instead.) 2:19

  711. Whoever denies "that Jesus is the Christ" is a liar and an antichrist. If so, then there are about five billion antichrists now living. 2:22

  712. John says that whoever sins is "of the devil." But if what he said in 1:8, 10 is true, then everyone is "of the devil." 3:8

  713. How's this for a big lie? "Whatsoever we ask, we receive of him." 3:22

  714. John says that all spirits that say Jesus is the Christ are of God. If so, then the "unclean spirits" in Mark's gospel (1:23-24, 3:11, 5:7) must have been of God. 4:2, 15, 5:1

  715. John says that the antichrist was already present at the time 1 John was written. So Pat Robertson must be wrong when he says the antichrist is a Jewish man that is alive today. 4:3

  716. You're not living unless you've got Jesus. 5:12

  717. "There is a sin unto death." (But nobody knows what it is.) 5:16

  718. Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19

    Revelation

  719. The book of Revelation was revealed to Jesus by God and was delivered by an angel to a guy named John. 1:1

  720. "From the seven Spirits which are before his throne."
    The "seven Spirits" are the seven spirits of God (4:5) 1:4

  721. It all started when John was "in the Spirit on the Lord's day." He heard a loud voice claiming to be Jesus, telling him to write a book and send it to seven Asian churches. 1:10-11

  722. John's Jesus is surrounded by seven golden candlesticks. He has white hair, eyes of fire, and feet of brass. He holds seven stars in his hand and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:12-16

  723. "The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks which thou sawest are the seven churches." 1:20

  724. The book of Revelation was written for, and addressed to, various angels. 2:1, 8, 12, 18; 3:1, 7, 14

  725. "These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks." (That would be Jesus. Who else walks around with 7 stars and 7 golden candlesticks?) 2:1b

  726. Jesus has something against the church of Ephesus. It left its first love, and unless it repents, Jesus will come and take away its candlestick. 2:4-5

  727. Thou [the church of Ephesus] hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitanes, which I [Jesus/God] also hate. 2:6

  728. "To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God." 2:7

  729. "He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death." 2:11

  730. Jesus knows where Satan's seat is: it's in the town of Pergamos! 2:13

  731. Jesus has a few things against Pergamos, too. There was that stuff a while back with Balaam and Balac, eating things sacrificed to idols, fornication, and whatnot. But he really hates the doctrine of Nicolaitanes. 2:14-15

  732. Wow! If you overcome, Jesus will give you mana and a white stone with a new secret name written on it! 2:17

  733. Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his mouth. (Like the limbless knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") 2:16

  734. Wow! If you overcome, Jesus will give you mana and a white stone with a new secret name written on it! 2:17

  735. John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes of fire and feet of brass. 2:18

  736. Those in Thyatira that obey God/Jesus until the end will rule everyone else with an iron rod. They'll even get to smash the others into pieces. He'll even throw in the morning star (the planet Venus?). 2:26-28

  737. "These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars." That'd be Jesus. He has the seven Spirits of God (Does that include the Holy Spirit?) along with the seven stars that he carries around in his right hand. (It's kind of a good luck charm, I think.) 3:1

  738. There are a few worthy Sardisians that haven't soiled their clothes; they will get to walk around with Jesus wearing white garments. 3:4

  739. Any Philadelphian that overcomes will have the names of God, God's city (new Jerusalem), and Jesus' new name tattooed on him! 3:12

  740. God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of thy nakedness do not appear." 3:18

  741. John's spirit goes to heaven. 4:1-10

  742. "There were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God." 4:5

  743. John sees four beasts (lion, calf, man, eagle) each with six wings and "full of eyes." 4:6-8

  744. John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." 5:6

  745. God gives someone on a white horse a bow and sends him out to conquer people. 6:2

  746. The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around. 6:12-14

  747. God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads." This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job. 7:3

  748. 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. 7:4

  749. "All the angels ... and the four beasts ... fell before the throne on their faces." 7:11

  750. Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in the blood of the lamb. 7:14

  751. "When he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour."
    That must have been nice. Too bad it didn't last. 8:1

  752. "The seven angels ... were given seven trumpets."
    When the seventh and last seal is opened, seven angels were given seven trumpets. When they start blowing them, all hell breaks loose. 8:2

  753. An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. 8:5

  754. "And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to t he ground from the sky. 8:10

  755. The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12

  756. An angel flies through heaven screaming, "Woe, woe, woe to the inhabiters of the earth." 8:13

  757. The fifth trumpet sounds and another star falls from heaven. The angel is given the key to a bottomless pit, containing smoke and powerful locusts. 9:1

  758. God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five months. 9:7-10

  759. Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population. 9:15-19

  760. An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10

  761. Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their mouths. 11:3-5

  762. God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6

  763. After God's witnesses "have finished their testimony," they are  killed in a war with a beast from a bottomless pit. 11:7

  764. The bodies of God's witnesses will lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

  765. Their dead bodies lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

  766. "The four and twenty elders ... fell upon their faces." 11:16

  767. "Thy wrath is come ... that thou ... shouldest destroy them which destroy the earth."
    God just told us about his fire-breathing trees and candlesticks that will make the rain stop, turn rivers and oceans into blood, and smite the earth with plagues" (11:4-6), but now he says he will destroy those that destroy the earth. I guess God's going to commit suicide. Good idea. 11:18

  768. "There were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail." 11:19

  769. Catholics say the "woman clothed with the sun" is Mary; Protestants say it is Israel, the church, or Eve. But whoever she is, she's pregnant and the dragon wants to eat her newborn baby. He's worked up an appetite by knocking down 1/3 of the stars with his tail. But when the woman delivered, God beamed her baby boy up to heaven. Then the woman went into the wilderness to feed for 1260 days. Whatever. 12:1-6

  770. "And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7

  771. The Return of the Dragon
    The dragon is kicked out of heaven, so he comes back to earth to look for "the woman clothed with the sun." But she was given a couple of eagle wings to be nourished in the wilderness "a time, and times, and half a time." Then the dragon spit out a river, but the earth swallowed up in order to help the woman. So the dragon went to war with her seed. (I think the movie was better.) 12:12-17

  772. John sees a sea monster with 7 heads and 10 horns, and with "blasphemy" written on on each head. It looked like a leopard, except its feet were like a bear, and its mouth like a lion. 13:1-2

  773. "All the world" worshiped the dragon and the beast. 13:3-4

  774. The beast goes to war against the "saints". He is given power (by God?) over all nations, and all non-Christians worship him. 13:7-8

  775. John sees another beast coming out of the earth with horns like a lamb and a voice like a dragon. He could do "great wonders," like make fire come down from the sky. 13:11-13

  776. The people make an image of the beast that can speak. Anyone who refuses to worship the image is killed. 13:13-15

  777. John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this number. 13:16-18

  778. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 14:1-4

  779. Jesus sits on a white cloud with a sharp sickle in his hand. When the angel tells him to reap, he kills all the people with his sickle. 14:14-18

  780. "One of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God." 15:7

  781. The angel says God is righteous for turning rivers into blood. Well, it's an interesting point of view. But I'd say he's a raving lunatic. 16:5

  782. Another angel tells God how righteous he is because he gives saints blood to drink. 16:7

  783. Those who were being burned to death by God didn't repent "to give him glory." 16:9

  784. Even after being burned alive, those nasty people wouldn't repent! 16:11

  785. Three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet. They are miracle-working devils that gather kings to fight in God's upcoming war. 16:13-14

  786. "Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame." 16:15

  787. The seventh vial: voices, thunders, lightnings, earthquakes, hail. 16:17-21

  788. God destroyed every island and mountain (just for the hell of it). 16:20

  789. "A great hall out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent"
    Since a talent was about 33 kilograms, this would be a new world record. (The current record holder weighed only 0.75 kg.) 16:21

  790. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

  791. "The beast that was, and is not, and yet is." 17:8

  792. "And here is the mind which hath wisdom. The seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth..." 17:9-13

  793. "And he saith unto me, The waters which thou sawest, where the whore sitteth, are peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues." 17:15

  794. "They shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire." (Are they going to eat her first and then burn her?) 17:16-17

  795. Babylon has fallen. All nation have drunk the wine of her fornication, and the kings committed fornication with her. Now Babylon is inhabited by devils, foul spirits, and unclean, hateful birds. 18:1-3

  796. "The four beasts fell down and worshipped God ... saying, Amen; Alleluia." 19:4

  797. "The Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready." Woohoo! Jesus is finally getting married. (Well, the lamb is, anyway. And I guess that's Jesus.) 19:7

  798. Jesus has eyes of fire and many crowns on his head. But no one knows his name except for Jesus himself, and he's not telling (well until the next verse, that is). 19:12

  799. Jesus's clothes are dipped in blood and his secret name ("that no man knew") is "The Word of God". (I bet you thought it was Jesus!) 19:13

  800. With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the faithful in heaven into holy war on earth. 19:14-15

  801. "And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS."
    Oh Goodie. Jesus has another secret name. He even has it written on his thigh. (Some sort of tattoo maybe?) 19:16

  802. An angel locks up Satan for 1000 years. 20:1-3

  803. "The first resurrection" Those who don't worship the beast will become priests and reign with Christ for 1000 years. The rest of the dead will remain dead until the 1000 years is over. 20:4-6

  804. Heaven is a cube, twelve thousand furlongs (2400 km) on a side. 21:16

  805. In heaven there will be a tree that has 12 kinds of fruit with leaves that will heal nations. And there will be horses of different colors, singing munchkins, and a great and powerful wizard. 22:2

  806. "Behold, I come quickly." 7, 12, 20

  807. "His name shall be in their foreheads."
    Which of Jesus' many secret names will that be? Will believers have "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" branded on their foreheads like Jesus has tattooed to his thigh? Or "The Word of God" or "Jealous?" And what about each believer's new secret name? Does God have to mark his followers on their foreheads? Can't he tell the ones that are stupid enough to believe this kind of stuff? 22:4

  808. "Things which must shortly be done" 22:6

  809. "The time is at hand." 22:10

  810. "He which is filthy, let him be filthy still." 22:11

  811. This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer in Isaiah 14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? 22:16

  812. Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19

    James

  813. "If any of you lack wisdom ... ask of God ... and it shall be given him."
    This is the verse that set the 14-year-old Joseph Smith off to found the Mormon Church. That is just an example of the type of wisdom God can give you. 1:5

  814. "Whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all." 2:10

  815. "If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man."
    There are many smooth talking crooks out there -- especially politicians! 3:2

  816. James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7

  817. "Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss."
    If your prayers are not answered, it's your own damned fault. 4:3

  818. "The coming of the Lord draweth nigh." 5:8

  819. "The Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." 5:11

  820. "Above all things ... swear not." 5:12

  821. "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms." 5:13

  822. If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-16

  823. "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." 5:16

  824. By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half years. 5:17 [../tapitcode.html]

    1 Peter

  825. "Gird up the loins of your mind." 1:13

  826. "The precious blood of Christ ... was foreordained before the foundation of the world."
    God planned to kill Jesus from the get-go. 1:19-20

  827. The devil is like a lion who wanders around looking for people to eat. 5:8

    2 Peter

  828. The "angels that sinned" are the sons of God that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 2:4

  829. Noah was the first drunken preacher (Gen.9:20). 2:5

  830. Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

  831. The author of 2 Peter believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30) about the talking ass. 2:16

  832. The author of 2 Peter  is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" He tries to cover for Jesus by claiming that "one day with the Lord is as a thousand years." 3:4

  833. Paul's epistles are hard to understand. And that those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures, do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16

    1 John

  834. Christians are washed in the blood of Jesus. 1:7

  835. John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows" this because he sees so many antichrists around. 2:18

  836. They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us."
    Many Christians interpret this verse to mean that it is impossible for a true believer to become an unbeliever. (They become antichrists instead.) 2:19

  837. Whoever denies "that Jesus is the Christ" is a liar and an antichrist. If so, then there are about five billion antichrists now living. 2:22

  838. John says that whoever sins is "of the devil." But if what he said in 1:8, 10 is true, then everyone is "of the devil." 3:8

  839. How's this for a big lie? "Whatsoever we ask, we receive of him." 3:22

  840. John says that all spirits that say Jesus is the Christ are of God. If so, then the "unclean spirits" in Mark's gospel (1:23-24, 3:11, 5:7) must have been of God. 4:2, 15, 5:1

  841. John says that the antichrist was already present at the time 1 John was written. So Pat Robertson must be wrong when he says the antichrist is a Jewish man that is alive today. 4:3

  842. You're not living unless you've got Jesus. 5:12

  843. "There is a sin unto death." (But nobody knows what it is.) 5:16

  844. Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19

    2 Corinthians

  845. Saved people smell good to God. 2:15

  846. "Walk by faith, not by sight." (Don't look where you're going.) 5:7

  847. If Paul is crazy, it's God's fault; If he's sane, it's yours. 5:13

  848. Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real sinners sinless. 5:21

  849. "Give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver."
    The televangelist's favorite verse! 9:7

  850. Bear with me a little in my folly. 11:1

  851. "As the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty"
    Paul believed the silly talking snake story in Genesis 3. 11:3

  852. Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some churches. 11:8

  853. There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember whether it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway, one of these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other guy was in paradise. He heard stuff, too, but it's illegal to talk about it. 12:2-4

  854. "I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me." 12:11

  855. "Being crafty, I [Paul] caught you with guile." 12:16

  856. Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5

  857. "The God of love and peace" is about as far from the Biblical God as it is possible to get. 13:11

  858. Greet one another with an holy kiss. 13:12 [../tapitcode.html]

    Galatians

  859. If you do what other people want, youíre not a good Christian. 1:10

  860. Jesus was cursed by God. 3:13

  861. "Brethren, I beseech you, be as I am." Forget Jesus. Be like Paul. 4:12

  862. "If ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing."
    (You canít be saved if youíre circumcised?) 5:2

  863. "I would they were even cut off which trouble you."
    Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul meant by "cut off". The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!" 5:12

  864. "See how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand."
    Paul was proud of his large handwriting. 6:11

  865. "Many ... desire to have you circumcised, that they may glory in your flesh." Seems like a strange thing to glory in. But OK. 6:12-13 [../tapitcode.html]

    Ephesians

  866. The bloody death of Jesus smelled good to God. 5:2

  867. Those who engage in "foolish talking" or "jesting" will not go to heaven. (Guess where they will be going.) 5:4-5 [../tapitcode.html]

    Philippians

  868. "Beware of dogs." 3:2

  869. "Be followers together of me, and mark them which walk so as ye have us for an ensample"
    Forget Jesus. Paul says you should follow him, or follow the people that follow him. 3:17

  870. Believe whatever Paul tells you to believe, think whatever he tells you to think, and do whatever he tells you to do. 4:9

  871. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
    Christians are superhuman and omnipotent. They can do whatever they want. 4:13

  872. "My God shall supply all your need." 4:19 [../tapitcode.html]

    Colossians

  873. "Who is the image of the invisible God"
    What would an image of an invisible God look like? The invisible and the non-existent very much alike. 1:15

  874. "The gospel ... was preached to every creature under heaven." 1:23

  875. "Rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in my flesh."
    The suffering Jesus was not sufficient to satisfy God's wrath, so the Paul (or whoever wrote Colossians) had to make up for what as lacking with his own sufferings. 1:24

  876. "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8

  877. "Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal."
    A slave owner that did this would set his slaves free. 4:1 [../tapitcode.html]

    1 Thessalonians

  878. "Knowing ... your election of God"
    The elect and the damned are predestined by God. 1:4

  879. Paul, with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy, just, and blameless. 2:10

  880. Paul would have arrived earlier, but Satan hindered him. 2:18

  881. "Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming?"
    Paul believed that those alive in 49 CE would live to see Jesus come. 2:19

  882. "We told you before that we should suffer tribulation; even as it came to pass."
    Paul thought that the tribulation that he believed would precede Jesus' coming had already passed. 3:4

  883. Every man should know how to possess his penis or his wife (depending on the translation) in a holy way. 4:4

  884. "Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss." 5:26 [../tapitcode.html]

    2 Thessalonians

  885. "Be not soon shaken in mind ... by letter as from us."
    What letter is being referred to here? Is it 1 Thessalonians? If so, then should Christians not read it to avoid being "skaken in mind?" 2:2

  886. If Paul wrote this letter (and many scholars think he didn't), then he is changing his mind (since writing 1 Thessalonians) about the timing of the Christ's return. The day of the Lord is no longer at hand. In fact it's nowhere near. Many things must happen first: there will be a great "falling away", a "man of sin" will be reveled, and Satan will show off his power by doing all kinds of signs and wonders. 2:2-9

  887. Jesus will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his mouth." 2:8

  888. Satan, not God, is all-powerful. 2:9 [../tapitcode.html]

    1 Timothy

  889. "Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies." If we follow this advice we would ignore most of the Bible -- especially the genealogies found in Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1, and Lk.3. 1:4

  890. "Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme." Apparently (see 2 Tim.2:16-18 and 4:14-15) their "blasphemy" was disagreeing with Paul. 1:20

  891. Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned after, Eve. But even though women are inferior to men, they shouldn't be discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15

  892. "A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have several. 3:2

  893. "In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4

  894. "Bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8

  895. Honoring widows indeed 5:3-10

    You should help a widow only if she:

    1. Has no children or nephews at home
    2. Is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time
    3. Is not living in pleasure
      (a widow living in pleasure is the living dead)
    4. Is over 60 years old
    5. Had only one husband
    6. Has raised children
    7. Has lodged strangers
    8. Has washed the saints feet
    9. Has relieved the afflicted
    10. Has diligently followed every good work

  896. Never help a young widow (one under 60 years old). When they wax wanton against Christ, they'll get married, and be damned to hell for rejecting their faith. Besides, young widows are idle busybodies, wandering around from house to house saying things they shouldn't say. They should get married and have children (though they'll be damned to hell for it). Heck, some of them have already turned aside after Satan. 5:11-15

  897. Paul advises us to stop drinking water. Rather, he says that we should drink wine for our "stomach's" sakes. 5:23 [../tapitcode.html]

    2 Timothy

  898. The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26

  899. "All scripture is given by the inspiration of God." Even Judges 19:22-30 and Ezek. 23:20? 3:16 [../tapitcode.html]

    Titus

  900. "God, that cannot lie" God, like George Washington (but unlike the author of Titus who falsely claims to be Paul), cannot tell a lie. 1:2

  901. The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12

  902. Disregard "Jewish fables and commandments of men, that turn from the truth." Like most of the bible, maybe? 1:14

  903. "The grace of God ... hath appeared to all men." At the time this statement was written, only a very small minority had seen or heard about Jesus. And still today there are those who have never heard his name. 2:11

  904. "Not by works ... but ... by the washing ... of the Holy Ghost."
    People aren't saved by doing good things, but by the arbitrary decision of God. He decides who gets washed by the Holy Ghost and who doesn't. Hasa diga ebowai. 3:5

  905. "Avoid ... genealogies." Like Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, and Lk.3? 3:9 [../tapitcode.html]

    Philemon

  906. Refreshing the bowels of the saints in the Lord 7, 12, 20

    Hebrews

  907. God swears by himself to himself. 6:13

  908. "Melchisedec ... to whom also Abraham gave a tenth part of all." Abraham gave Melchisedec one-tenth of all of the booty from "the slaughter of the kings," setting a fine example for religious hucksters everywhere. 7:1-2

  909. Melchisedec had no father or mother. He was never born (he just appeared ready-made by God) and he never died. He's still around somewhere. 7:1-3

  910. God will not forgive anyone unless something is killed for him in a bloody manner. 9:13-22

  911. "For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry." 10:37

  912. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
    Faith is believing without evidence things that you wish were true (but aren't). 11:1

  913. "Enoch was translated that he should not see death." 11:5

  914. "By faith Noah ... condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith." 11:7

  915. "Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed." 11:11

  916. "Therefore sprang ... so many as the stars of the sky ... and as the sand ... by the sea shore innumerable." (OK, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration.) 11:12

  917. "By faith they passed through the Red sea as by dry land." 11:29

  918. "By faith the walls of Jericho fell down." 11:30

  919. "Time would fail me to tell of Gideon, and of Barak, and of Samson, and of Jephthah; of David also, and Samuel, and of the prophets."
    The heroes of faith: Gideon, Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel. It would be hard to find a more monstrous group than these guys. 11:32

  920. "Others were tortured ... that they might obtain a better resurrection." 11:35

  921. "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." 12:6

  922. "What son is he whom the father chasteneth not?"
    What kind of father doesn't beat his sons now and then? 12:7

  923. God always hurts the ones he loves. And if God doesn't hurt you, you are a bastard, not a son. 12:8

  924. God ordered animals to be "stoned, or thrust through with a dart" if they "so much as ... touch the mountain." 12:20

  925. "Ye are come ... to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things that that of Abel." 12:22-24

  926. "Whose voice then shook the earth: but now he hath promised, saying ... I shake not the earth only, but also heaven."
    When God speaks there are earthquakes (and heavenquakes). 12:26

  927. Be hospitable to strangers for "thereby some have entertained angels." 13:2

  928. Avoid "strange doctrines." Those who do so will avoid nearly everything that the Bible teaches. 13:9 [../tapitcode.html]

    James

  929. "If any of you lack wisdom ... ask of God ... and it shall be given him."
    This is the verse that set the 14-year-old Joseph Smith off to found the Mormon Church. That is just an example of the type of wisdom God can give you. 1:5

  930. "Whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all." 2:10

  931. "If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man."
    There are many smooth talking crooks out there -- especially politicians! 3:2

  932. James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7

  933. "Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss."
    If your prayers are not answered, it's your own damned fault. 4:3

  934. "The coming of the Lord draweth nigh." 5:8

  935. "The Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." 5:11

  936. "Above all things ... swear not." 5:12

  937. "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms." 5:13

  938. If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-16

  939. "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." 5:16

  940. By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half years. 5:17 [../tapitcode.html]

    1 Peter

  941. "Gird up the loins of your mind." 1:13

  942. "The precious blood of Christ ... was foreordained before the foundation of the world."
    God planned to kill Jesus from the get-go. 1:19-20

  943. The devil is like a lion who wanders around looking for people to eat. 5:8 [../tapitcode.html]

    2 Peter

  944. The "angels that sinned" are the sons of God that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 2:4

  945. Noah was the first drunken preacher (Gen.9:20). 2:5

  946. Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

  947. The author of 2 Peter believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30) about the talking ass. 2:16

  948. The author of 2 Peter  is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" He tries to cover for Jesus by claiming that "one day with the Lord is as a thousand years." 3:4

  949. Paul's epistles are hard to understand. And that those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures, do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16 [../tapitcode.html]

    1 John

  950. Christians are washed in the blood of Jesus. 1:7

  951. John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows" this because he sees so many antichrists around. 2:18

  952. They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us."
    Many Christians interpret this verse to mean that it is impossible for a true believer to become an unbeliever. (They become antichrists instead.) 2:19

  953. Whoever denies "that Jesus is the Christ" is a liar and an antichrist. If so, then there are about four billion antichrists now living. 2:22

  954. John says that whoever sins is "of the devil." But if what he said in 1:8, 10 is true, then everyone is "of the devil." 3:8

  955. How's this for a big lie? "Whatsoever we ask, we receive of him." 3:22

  956. John says that all spirits that say Jesus is the Christ are of God. If so, then the "unclean spirits" in Mark's gospel (1:23-24, 3:11, 5:7) must have been of God. 4:2, 4:15, 5:1

  957. John says that the antichrist was already present at the time 1 John was written. So Pat Robertson must be wrong when he says the antichrist is a Jewish man that is alive today. 4:3

  958. You're not living unless you've got Jesus. 5:12

  959. "There is a sin unto death." (But nobody knows what it is.) 5:16

  960. Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19 [../tapitcode.html]

    2 John

  961. Non-Christians are deceivers and antichrists. 7

  962. "Whosoever ... abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God." 9 [../tapitcode.html]

    3 John

  963. "He that doeth good is of God: but he that doeth evil hath not seen God." 11 [../tapitcode.html]

    Jude

  964. God pre-ordained that certain "ungodly" men would deny Jesus. No one knows why. 4

  965. The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. 6

  966. Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. 9

  967. "To convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken against him." (Ungodly was the author of Jude's favorite word.) 16 [../tapitcode.html]

    Revelation

  968. The book of Revelation was revealed to Jesus by God and was delivered by an angel to a guy named John. 1:1

  969. "From the seven Spirits which are before his throne."
    The "seven Spirits" are the seven spirits of God (4:5) 1:4

  970. It all started when John was "in the Spirit on the Lord's day." He heard a loud voice claiming to be Jesus, telling him to write a book and send it to seven Asian churches. 1:10-11

  971. John's Jesus is surrounded by seven golden candlesticks. He has white hair, eyes of fire, and feet of brass. He holds seven stars in his hand and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:12-16

  972. "The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks which thou sawest are the seven churches." 1:20

  973. The book of Revelation was written for, and addressed to, various angels. 2:1, 8, 12, 18; 3:1, 7, 14

  974. "These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks." (That would be Jesus. Who else walks around with 7 stars and 7 golden candlesticks?) 2:1b

  975. Jesus has something against the church of Ephesus. It left its first love, and unless it repents, Jesus will come and take away its candlestick. 2:4-5

  976. Thou [the church of Ephesus] hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitanes, which I [Jesus/God] also hate. 2:6

  977. "To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God." 2:7

  978. "He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death." 2:11

  979. Jesus knows where Satan's seat is: it's in the town of Pergamos! 2:13

  980. Jesus has a few things against Pergamos, too. There was that stuff a while back with Balaam and Balac, eating things sacrificed to idols, fornication, and whatnot. But he really hates the doctrine of Nicolaitanes. 2:14-15

  981. Wow! If you overcome, Jesus will give you mana and a white stone with a new secret name written on it! 2:17

  982. Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his mouth. (Like the limbless knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") 2:16

  983. Wow! If you overcome, Jesus will give you mana and a white stone with a new secret name written on it! 2:17

  984. John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes of fire and feet of brass. 2:18

  985. Those in Thyatira that obey God/Jesus until the end will rule everyone else with an iron rod. They'll even get to smash the others into pieces. He'll even throw in the morning star (the planet Venus?). 2:26-28

  986. "These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars." That'd be Jesus. He has the seven Spirits of God (Does that include the Holy Spirit?) along with the seven stars that he carries around in his right hand. (It's kind of a good luck charm, I think.) 3:1

  987. There are a few worthy Sardisians that haven't soiled their clothes; they will get to walk around with Jesus wearing white garments. 3:4

  988. Any Philadelphian that overcomes will have the names of God, God's city (new Jerusalem), and Jesus' new name tattooed on him! 3:12

  989. God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of thy nakedness do not appear." 3:18

  990. John's spirit goes to heaven. 4:1-10

  991. "There were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God." 4:5

  992. John sees four beasts (lion, calf, man, eagle) each with six wings and "full of eyes." 4:6-8

  993. John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." 5:6

  994. God gives someone on a white horse a bow and sends him out to conquer people. 6:2

  995. The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around. 6:12-14

  996. God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads." This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job. 7:3

  997. 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. 7:4

  998. "All the angels ... and the four beasts ... fell before the throne on their faces." 7:11

  999. Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in the blood of the lamb. 7:14

  1000. "When he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour."
    That must have been nice. Too bad it didn't last. 8:1

  1001. "The seven angels ... were given seven trumpets."
    When the seventh and last seal is opened, seven angels were given seven trumpets. When they start blowing them, all hell breaks loose. 8:2

  1002. An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. 8:5

  1003. "And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to t he ground from the sky. 8:10

  1004. The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12

  1005. An angel flies through heaven screaming, "Woe, woe, woe to the inhabiters of the earth." 8:13

  1006. The fifth trumpet sounds and another star falls from heaven. The angel is given the key to a bottomless pit, containing smoke and powerful locusts. 9:1

  1007. God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five months. 9:7-10

  1008. Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population. 9:15-19

  1009. An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10

  1010. Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their mouths. 11:3-5

  1011. God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6

  1012. After God's witnesses "have finished their testimony," they are  killed in a war with a beast from a bottomless pit. 11:7

  1013. The bodies of God's witnesses will lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

  1014. Their dead bodies lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

  1015. "The four and twenty elders ... fell upon their faces." 11:16

  1016. "Thy wrath is come ... that thou ... shouldest destroy them which destroy the earth."
    God just told us about his fire-breathing trees and candlesticks that will make the rain stop, turn rivers and oceans into blood, and smite the earth with plagues" (11:4-6), but now he says he will destroy those that destroy the earth. I guess God's going to commit suicide. Good idea. 11:18

  1017. "There were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail." 11:19

  1018. Catholics say the "woman clothed with the sun" is Mary; Protestants say it is Israel, the church, or Eve. But whoever she is, she's pregnant and the dragon wants to eat her newborn baby. He's worked up an appetite by knocking down 1/3 of the stars with his tail. But when the woman delivered, God beamed her baby boy up to heaven. Then the woman went into the wilderness to feed for 1260 days. Whatever. 12:1-6

  1019. "And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7

  1020. The Return of the Dragon
    The dragon is kicked out of heaven, so he comes back to earth to look for "the woman clothed with the sun." But she was given a couple of eagle wings to be nourished in the wilderness "a time, and times, and half a time." Then the dragon spit out a river, but the earth swallowed up in order to help the woman. So the dragon went to war with her seed. (I think the movie was better.) 12:12-17

  1021. John sees a sea monster with 7 heads and 10 horns, and with "blasphemy" written on on each head. It looked like a leopard, except its feet were like a bear, and its mouth like a lion. 13:1-2

  1022. "All the world" worshiped the dragon and the beast. 13:3-4

  1023. The beast goes to war against the "saints". He is given power (by God?) over all nations, and all non-Christians worship him. 13:7-8

  1024. John sees another beast coming out of the earth with horns like a lamb and a voice like a dragon. He could do "great wonders," like make fire come down from the sky. 13:11-13

  1025. The people make an image of the beast that can speak. Anyone who refuses to worship the image is killed. 13:13-15

  1026. John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this number. 13:16-18

  1027. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 14:1-4

  1028. Jesus sits on a white cloud with a sharp sickle in his hand. When the angel tells him to reap, he kills all the people with his sickle. 14:14-18

  1029. "One of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God." 15:7

  1030. The angel says God is righteous for turning rivers into blood. Well, it's an interesting point of view. But I'd say he's a raving lunatic. 16:5

  1031. Another angel tells God how righteous he is because he gives saints blood to drink. 16:7

  1032. Those who were being burned to death by God didn't repent "to give him glory." 16:9

  1033. Even after being burned alive, those nasty people wouldn't repent! 16:11

  1034. Three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet. They are miracle-working devils that gather kings to fight in God's upcoming war. 16:13-14

  1035. "Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame." 16:15

  1036. The seventh vial: voices, thunders, lightnings, earthquakes, hail. 16:17-21

  1037. God destroyed every island and mountain (just for the hell of it). 16:20

  1038. "A great hall out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent"
    Since a talent was about 33 kilograms, this would be a new world record. (The current record holder weighed only 0.75 kg.) 16:21

  1039. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

  1040. "The beast that was, and is not, and yet is." 17:8

  1041. "And here is the mind which hath wisdom. The seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth..." 17:9-13

  1042. "And he saith unto me, The waters which thou sawest, where the whore sitteth, are peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues." 17:15

  1043. "They shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire." (Are they going to eat her first and then burn her?) 17:16-17

  1044. Babylon has fallen. All nation have drunk the wine of her fornication, and the kings committed fornication with her. Now Babylon is inhabited by devils, foul spirits, and unclean, hateful birds. 18:1-3

  1045. "The four beasts fell down and worshipped God ... saying, Amen; Alleluia." 19:4

  1046. "The Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready." Woohoo! Jesus is finally getting married. (Well, the lamb is, anyway. And I guess that's Jesus.) 19:7

  1047. Jesus has eyes of fire and many crowns on his head. But no one knows his name except for Jesus himself, and he's not telling (well until the next verse, that is). 19:12

  1048. Jesus's clothes are dipped in blood and his secret name ("that no man knew") is "The Word of God". (I bet you thought it was Jesus!) 19:13

  1049. With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the faithful in heaven into holy war on earth. 19:14-15

  1050. "And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS."
    Oh Goodie. Jesus has another secret name. He even has it written on his thigh. (Some sort of tattoo maybe?) 19:16

  1051. An angel locks up Satan for 1000 years. 20:1-3

  1052. "The first resurrection" Those who don't worship the beast will become priests and reign with Christ for 1000 years. The rest of the dead will remain dead until the 1000 years is over. 20:4-6

  1053. Heaven is a cube, twelve thousand furlongs (2400 km) on a side. 21:16

  1054. In heaven there will be a tree that has 12 kinds of fruit with leaves that will heal nations. And there will be horses of different colors, singing munchkins, and a great and powerful wizard. 22:2

  1055. "Behold, I come quickly." 7, 12, 20

  1056. "His name shall be in their foreheads."
    Which of Jesus' many secret names will that be? Will believers have "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" branded on their foreheads like Jesus has tattooed to his thigh? Or "The Word of God" or "Jealous?" And what about each believer's new secret name? Does God have to mark his followers on their foreheads? Can't he tell the ones that are stupid enough to believe this kind of stuff? 22:4

  1057. "Things which must shortly be done" 22:6

  1058. "The time is at hand." 22:10

  1059. "He which is filthy, let him be filthy still." 22:11

  1060. This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer in Isaiah 14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? 22:16

  1061. Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19 [../tapitcode.html] [../tapitcode.html]

    2 Corinthians

  1062. Saved people smell good to God. 2:15

  1063. "Walk by faith, not by sight." (Don't look where you're going.) 5:7

  1064. If Paul is crazy, it's God's fault; If he's sane, it's yours. 5:13

  1065. Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real sinners sinless. 5:21

  1066. "Give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver."
    The televangelist's favorite verse! 9:7

  1067. Bear with me a little in my folly. 11:1

  1068. "As the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty"
    Paul believed the silly talking snake story in Genesis 3. 11:3

  1069. Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some churches. 11:8

  1070. There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember whether it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway, one of these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other guy was in paradise. He heard stuff, too, but it's illegal to talk about it. 12:2-4

  1071. "I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me." 12:11

  1072. "Being crafty, I [Paul] caught you with guile." 12:16

  1073. Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5

  1074. "The God of love and peace" is about as far from the Biblical God as it is possible to get. 13:11

  1075. Greet one another with an holy kiss. 13:12 [../tapitcode.html]

    Galatians

  1076. If you do what other people want, youíre not a good Christian. 1:10

  1077. Jesus was cursed by God. 3:13

  1078. "Brethren, I beseech you, be as I am." Forget Jesus. Be like Paul. 4:12

  1079. "If ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing."
    (You canít be saved if youíre circumcised?) 5:2

  1080. "I would they were even cut off which trouble you."
    Gosh, that doesn't sound very nice. But I wonder what Paul meant by "cut off". The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!" 5:12

  1081. "See how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand."
    Paul was proud of his large handwriting. 6:11

  1082. "Many ... desire to have you circumcised, that they may glory in your flesh." Seems like a strange thing to glory in. But OK. 6:12-13 [../tapitcode.html]

    Ephesians

  1083. The bloody death of Jesus smelled good to God. 5:2

  1084. Those who engage in "foolish talking" or "jesting" will not go to heaven. (Guess where they will be going.) 5:4-5 [../tapitcode.html]

    Philippians

  1085. "Beware of dogs." 3:2

  1086. "Be followers together of me, and mark them which walk so as ye have us for an ensample"
    Forget Jesus. Paul says you should follow him, or follow the people that follow him. 3:17

  1087. Believe whatever Paul tells you to believe, think whatever he tells you to think, and do whatever he tells you to do. 4:9

  1088. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
    Christians are superhuman and omnipotent. They can do whatever they want. 4:13

  1089. "My God shall supply all your need." 4:19 [../tapitcode.html]

    Colossians

  1090. "Who is the image of the invisible God"
    What would an image of an invisible God look like? The invisible and the non-existent very much alike. 1:15

  1091. "The gospel ... was preached to every creature under heaven." 1:23

  1092. "Rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in my flesh."
    The suffering Jesus was not sufficient to satisfy God's wrath, so the Paul (or whoever wrote Colossians) had to make up for what as lacking with his own sufferings. 1:24

  1093. "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8

  1094. "Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal."
    A slave owner that did this would set his slaves free. 4:1 [../tapitcode.html]

    1 Thessalonians

  1095. "Knowing ... your election of God"
    The elect and the damned are predestined by God. 1:4

  1096. Paul, with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy, just, and blameless. 2:10

  1097. Paul would have arrived earlier, but Satan hindered him. 2:18

  1098. "Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming?"
    Paul believed that those alive in 49 CE would live to see Jesus come. 2:19

  1099. "We told you before that we should suffer tribulation; even as it came to pass."
    Paul thought that the tribulation that he believed would precede Jesus' coming had already passed. 3:4

  1100. Every man should know how to possess his penis or his wife (depending on the translation) in a holy way. 4:4

  1101. "Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss." 5:26 [../tapitcode.html]

    2 Thessalonians

  1102. "Be not soon shaken in mind ... by letter as from us."
    What letter is being referred to here? Is it 1 Thessalonians? If so, then should Christians not read it to avoid being "skaken in mind?" 2:2

  1103. If Paul wrote this letter (and many scholars think he didn't), then he is changing his mind (since writing 1 Thessalonians) about the timing of the Christ's return. The day of the Lord is no longer at hand. In fact it's nowhere near. Many things must happen first: there will be a great "falling away", a "man of sin" will be reveled, and Satan will show off his power by doing all kinds of signs and wonders. 2:2-9

  1104. Jesus will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his mouth." 2:8

  1105. Satan, not God, is all-powerful. 2:9 [../tapitcode.html]

    1 Timothy

  1106. "Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies." If we follow this advice we would ignore most of the Bible -- especially the genealogies found in Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1, and Lk.3. 1:4

  1107. "Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme." Apparently (see 2 Tim.2:16-18 and 4:14-15) their "blasphemy" was disagreeing with Paul. 1:20

  1108. Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned after, Eve. But even though women are inferior to men, they shouldn't be discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15

  1109. "A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have several. 3:2

  1110. "In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4

  1111. "Bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8

  1112. Honoring widows indeed 5:3-10

    You should help a widow only if she:

    1. Has no children or nephews at home
    2. Is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time
    3. Is not living in pleasure
      (a widow living in pleasure is the living dead)
    4. Is over 60 years old
    5. Had only one husband
    6. Has raised children
    7. Has lodged strangers
    8. Has washed the saints feet
    9. Has relieved the afflicted
    10. Has diligently followed every good work

  1113. Never help a young widow (one under 60 years old). When they wax wanton against Christ, they'll get married, and be damned to hell for rejecting their faith. Besides, young widows are idle busybodies, wandering around from house to house saying things they shouldn't say. They should get married and have children (though they'll be damned to hell for it). Heck, some of them have already turned aside after Satan. 5:11-15

  1114. Paul advises us to stop drinking water. Rather, he says that we should drink wine for our "stomach's" sakes. 5:23 [../tapitcode.html]

    2 Timothy

  1115. The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26

  1116. "All scripture is given by the inspiration of God." Even Judges 19:22-30 and Ezek. 23:20? 3:16 [../tapitcode.html]

    Titus

  1117. "God, that cannot lie" God, like George Washington (but unlike the author of Titus who falsely claims to be Paul), cannot tell a lie. 1:2

  1118. The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12

  1119. Disregard "Jewish fables and commandments of men, that turn from the truth." Like most of the bible, maybe? 1:14

  1120. "The grace of God ... hath appeared to all men." At the time this statement was written, only a very small minority had seen or heard about Jesus. And still today there are those who have never heard his name. 2:11

  1121. "Not by works ... but ... by the washing ... of the Holy Ghost."
    People aren't saved by doing good things, but by the arbitrary decision of God. He decides who gets washed by the Holy Ghost and who doesn't. Hasa diga ebowai. 3:5

  1122. "Avoid ... genealogies." Like Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, and Lk.3? 3:9 [../tapitcode.html]

    Philemon

  1123. Refreshing the bowels of the saints in the Lord 7, 12, 20

    Hebrews

  1124. God swears by himself to himself. 6:13

  1125. "Melchisedec ... to whom also Abraham gave a tenth part of all." Abraham gave Melchisedec one-tenth of all of the booty from "the slaughter of the kings," setting a fine example for religious hucksters everywhere. 7:1-2

  1126. Melchisedec had no father or mother. He was never born (he just appeared ready-made by God) and he never died. He's still around somewhere. 7:1-3

  1127. God will not forgive anyone unless something is killed for him in a bloody manner. 9:13-22

  1128. "For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry." 10:37

  1129. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
    Faith is believing without evidence things that you wish were true (but aren't). 11:1

  1130. "Enoch was translated that he should not see death." 11:5

  1131. "By faith Noah ... condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith." 11:7

  1132. "Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed." 11:11

  1133. "Therefore sprang ... so many as the stars of the sky ... and as the sand ... by the sea shore innumerable." (OK, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration.) 11:12

  1134. "By faith they passed through the Red sea as by dry land." 11:29

  1135. "By faith the walls of Jericho fell down." 11:30

  1136. "Time would fail me to tell of Gideon, and of Barak, and of Samson, and of Jephthah; of David also, and Samuel, and of the prophets."
    The heroes of faith: Gideon, Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel. It would be hard to find a more monstrous group than these guys. 11:32

  1137. "Others were tortured ... that they might obtain a better resurrection." 11:35

  1138. "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." 12:6

  1139. "What son is he whom the father chasteneth not?"
    What kind of father doesn't beat his sons now and then? 12:7

  1140. God always hurts the ones he loves. And if God doesn't hurt you, you are a bastard, not a son. 12:8

  1141. God ordered animals to be "stoned, or thrust through with a dart" if they "so much as ... touch the mountain." 12:20

  1142. "Ye are come ... to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things that that of Abel." 12:22-24

  1143. "Whose voice then shook the earth: but now he hath promised, saying ... I shake not the earth only, but also heaven."
    When God speaks there are earthquakes (and heavenquakes). 12:26

  1144. Be hospitable to strangers for "thereby some have entertained angels." 13:2

  1145. Avoid "strange doctrines." Those who do so will avoid nearly everything that the Bible teaches. 13:9 [../tapitcode.html]

    James

  1146. "If any of you lack wisdom ... ask of God ... and it shall be given him."
    This is the verse that set the 14-year-old Joseph Smith off to found the Mormon Church. That is just an example of the type of wisdom God can give you. 1:5

  1147. "Whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all." 2:10

  1148. "If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man."
    There are many smooth talking crooks out there -- especially politicians! 3:2

  1149. James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7

  1150. "Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss."
    If your prayers are not answered, it's your own damned fault. 4:3

  1151. "The coming of the Lord draweth nigh." 5:8

  1152. "The Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." 5:11

  1153. "Above all things ... swear not." 5:12

  1154. "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms." 5:13

  1155. If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-16

  1156. "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." 5:16

  1157. By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half years. 5:17 [../tapitcode.html]

    1 Peter

  1158. "Gird up the loins of your mind." 1:13

  1159. "The precious blood of Christ ... was foreordained before the foundation of the world."
    God planned to kill Jesus from the get-go. 1:19-20

  1160. The devil is like a lion who wanders around looking for people to eat. 5:8 [../tapitcode.html]

    2 Peter

  1161. The "angels that sinned" are the sons of God that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 2:4

  1162. Noah was the first drunken preacher (Gen.9:20). 2:5

  1163. Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

  1164. The author of 2 Peter believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30) about the talking ass. 2:16

  1165. The author of 2 Peter  is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" He tries to cover for Jesus by claiming that "one day with the Lord is as a thousand years." 3:4

  1166. Paul's epistles are hard to understand. And that those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures, do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16 [../tapitcode.html]

    1 John

  1167. Christians are washed in the blood of Jesus. 1:7

  1168. John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows" this because he sees so many antichrists around. 2:18

  1169. They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us."
    Many Christians interpret this verse to mean that it is impossible for a true believer to become an unbeliever. (They become antichrists instead.) 2:19

  1170. Whoever denies "that Jesus is the Christ" is a liar and an antichrist. If so, then there are about four billion antichrists now living. 2:22

  1171. John says that whoever sins is "of the devil." But if what he said in 1:8, 10 is true, then everyone is "of the devil." 3:8

  1172. How's this for a big lie? "Whatsoever we ask, we receive of him." 3:22

  1173. John says that all spirits that say Jesus is the Christ are of God. If so, then the "unclean spirits" in Mark's gospel (1:23-24, 3:11, 5:7) must have been of God. 4:2, 4:15, 5:1

  1174. John says that the antichrist was already present at the time 1 John was written. So Pat Robertson must be wrong when he says the antichrist is a Jewish man that is alive today. 4:3

  1175. You're not living unless you've got Jesus. 5:12

  1176. "There is a sin unto death." (But nobody knows what it is.) 5:16

  1177. Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19 [../tapitcode.html]

    2 John

  1178. Non-Christians are deceivers and antichrists. 7

  1179. "Whosoever ... abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God." 9 [../tapitcode.html]

    3 John

  1180. "He that doeth good is of God: but he that doeth evil hath not seen God." 11 [../tapitcode.html]

    Jude

  1181. God pre-ordained that certain "ungodly" men would deny Jesus. No one knows why. 4

  1182. The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. 6

  1183. Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. 9

  1184. "To convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken against him." (Ungodly was the author of Jude's favorite word.) 16 [../tapitcode.html]

    Revelation

  1185. The book of Revelation was revealed to Jesus by God and was delivered by an angel to a guy named John. 1:1

  1186. "From the seven Spirits which are before his throne."
    The "seven Spirits" are the seven spirits of God (4:5) 1:4

  1187. It all started when John was "in the Spirit on the Lord's day." He heard a loud voice claiming to be Jesus, telling him to write a book and send it to seven Asian churches. 1:10-11

  1188. John's Jesus is surrounded by seven golden candlesticks. He has white hair, eyes of fire, and feet of brass. He holds seven stars in his hand and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:12-16

  1189. "The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks which thou sawest are the seven churches." 1:20

  1190. The book of Revelation was written for, and addressed to, various angels. 2:1, 8, 12, 18; 3:1, 7, 14

  1191. "These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks." (That would be Jesus. Who else walks around with 7 stars and 7 golden candlesticks?) 2:1b

  1192. Jesus has something against the church of Ephesus. It left its first love, and unless it repents, Jesus will come and take away its candlestick. 2:4-5

  1193. Thou [the church of Ephesus] hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitanes, which I [Jesus/God] also hate. 2:6

  1194. "To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God." 2:7

  1195. "He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death." 2:11

  1196. Jesus knows where Satan's seat is: it's in the town of Pergamos! 2:13

  1197. Jesus has a few things against Pergamos, too. There was that stuff a while back with Balaam and Balac, eating things sacrificed to idols, fornication, and whatnot. But he really hates the doctrine of Nicolaitanes. 2:14-15

  1198. Wow! If you overcome, Jesus will give you mana and a white stone with a new secret name written on it! 2:17

  1199. Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his mouth. (Like the limbless knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") 2:16

  1200. Wow! If you overcome, Jesus will give you mana and a white stone with a new secret name written on it! 2:17

  1201. John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes of fire and feet of brass. 2:18

  1202. Those in Thyatira that obey God/Jesus until the end will rule everyone else with an iron rod. They'll even get to smash the others into pieces. He'll even throw in the morning star (the planet Venus?). 2:26-28

  1203. "These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars." That'd be Jesus. He has the seven Spirits of God (Does that include the Holy Spirit?) along with the seven stars that he carries around in his right hand. (It's kind of a good luck charm, I think.) 3:1

  1204. There are a few worthy Sardisians that haven't soiled their clothes; they will get to walk around with Jesus wearing white garments. 3:4

  1205. Any Philadelphian that overcomes will have the names of God, God's city (new Jerusalem), and Jesus' new name tattooed on him! 3:12

  1206. God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of thy nakedness do not appear." 3:18

  1207. John's spirit goes to heaven. 4:1-10

  1208. "There were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God." 4:5

  1209. John sees four beasts (lion, calf, man, eagle) each with six wings and "full of eyes." 4:6-8

  1210. John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." 5:6

  1211. God gives someone on a white horse a bow and sends him out to conquer people. 6:2

  1212. The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around. 6:12-14

  1213. God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads." This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job. 7:3

  1214. 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. 7:4

  1215. "All the angels ... and the four beasts ... fell before the throne on their faces." 7:11

  1216. Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in the blood of the lamb. 7:14

  1217. "When he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour."
    That must have been nice. Too bad it didn't last. 8:1

  1218. "The seven angels ... were given seven trumpets."
    When the seventh and last seal is opened, seven angels were given seven trumpets. When they start blowing them, all hell breaks loose. 8:2

  1219. An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. 8:5

  1220. "And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to t he ground from the sky. 8:10

  1221. The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12

  1222. An angel flies through heaven screaming, "Woe, woe, woe to the inhabiters of the earth." 8:13

  1223. The fifth trumpet sounds and another star falls from heaven. The angel is given the key to a bottomless pit, containing smoke and powerful locusts. 9:1

  1224. God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five months. 9:7-10

  1225. Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population. 9:15-19

  1226. An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10

  1227. Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their mouths. 11:3-5

  1228. God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6

  1229. After God's witnesses "have finished their testimony," they are  killed in a war with a beast from a bottomless pit. 11:7

  1230. The bodies of God's witnesses will lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

  1231. Their dead bodies lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

  1232. "The four and twenty elders ... fell upon their faces." 11:16

  1233. "Thy wrath is come ... that thou ... shouldest destroy them which destroy the earth."
    God just told us about his fire-breathing trees and candlesticks that will make the rain stop, turn rivers and oceans into blood, and smite the earth with plagues" (11:4-6), but now he says he will destroy those that destroy the earth. I guess God's going to commit suicide. Good idea. 11:18

  1234. "There were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail." 11:19

  1235. Catholics say the "woman clothed with the sun" is Mary; Protestants say it is Israel, the church, or Eve. But whoever she is, she's pregnant and the dragon wants to eat her newborn baby. He's worked up an appetite by knocking down 1/3 of the stars with his tail. But when the woman delivered, God beamed her baby boy up to heaven. Then the woman went into the wilderness to feed for 1260 days. Whatever. 12:1-6

  1236. "And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7

  1237. The Return of the Dragon
    The dragon is kicked out of heaven, so he comes back to earth to look for "the woman clothed with the sun." But she was given a couple of eagle wings to be nourished in the wilderness "a time, and times, and half a time." Then the dragon spit out a river, but the earth swallowed up in order to help the woman. So the dragon went to war with her seed. (I think the movie was better.) 12:12-17

  1238. John sees a sea monster with 7 heads and 10 horns, and with "blasphemy" written on on each head. It looked like a leopard, except its feet were like a bear, and its mouth like a lion. 13:1-2

  1239. "All the world" worshiped the dragon and the beast. 13:3-4

  1240. The beast goes to war against the "saints". He is given power (by God?) over all nations, and all non-Christians worship him. 13:7-8

  1241. John sees another beast coming out of the earth with horns like a lamb and a voice like a dragon. He could do "great wonders," like make fire come down from the sky. 13:11-13

  1242. The people make an image of the beast that can speak. Anyone who refuses to worship the image is killed. 13:13-15

  1243. John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this number. 13:16-18

  1244. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 14:1-4

  1245. Jesus sits on a white cloud with a sharp sickle in his hand. When the angel tells him to reap, he kills all the people with his sickle. 14:14-18

  1246. "One of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God." 15:7

  1247. The angel says God is righteous for turning rivers into blood. Well, it's an interesting point of view. But I'd say he's a raving lunatic. 16:5

  1248. Another angel tells God how righteous he is because he gives saints blood to drink. 16:7

  1249. Those who were being burned to death by God didn't repent "to give him glory." 16:9

  1250. Even after being burned alive, those nasty people wouldn't repent! 16:11

  1251. Three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet. They are miracle-working devils that gather kings to fight in God's upcoming war. 16:13-14

  1252. "Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame." 16:15

  1253. The seventh vial: voices, thunders, lightnings, earthquakes, hail. 16:17-21

  1254. God destroyed every island and mountain (just for the hell of it). 16:20

  1255. "A great hall out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent"
    Since a talent was about 33 kilograms, this would be a new world record. (The current record holder weighed only 0.75 kg.) 16:21

  1256. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

  1257. "The beast that was, and is not, and yet is." 17:8

  1258. "And here is the mind which hath wisdom. The seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth..." 17:9-13

  1259. "And he saith unto me, The waters which thou sawest, where the whore sitteth, are peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues." 17:15

  1260. "They shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire." (Are they going to eat her first and then burn her?) 17:16-17

  1261. Babylon has fallen. All nation have drunk the wine of her fornication, and the kings committed fornication with her. Now Babylon is inhabited by devils, foul spirits, and unclean, hateful birds. 18:1-3

  1262. "The four beasts fell down and worshipped God ... saying, Amen; Alleluia." 19:4

  1263. "The Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready." Woohoo! Jesus is finally getting married. (Well, the lamb is, anyway. And I guess that's Jesus.) 19:7

  1264. Jesus has eyes of fire and many crowns on his head. But no one knows his name except for Jesus himself, and he's not telling (well until the next verse, that is). 19:12

  1265. Jesus's clothes are dipped in blood and his secret name ("that no man knew") is "The Word of God". (I bet you thought it was Jesus!) 19:13

  1266. With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the faithful in heaven into holy war on earth. 19:14-15

  1267. "And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS."
    Oh Goodie. Jesus has another secret name. He even has it written on his thigh. (Some sort of tattoo maybe?) 19:16

  1268. An angel locks up Satan for 1000 years. 20:1-3

  1269. "The first resurrection" Those who don't worship the beast will become priests and reign with Christ for 1000 years. The rest of the dead will remain dead until the 1000 years is over. 20:4-6

  1270. Heaven is a cube, twelve thousand furlongs (2400 km) on a side. 21:16

  1271. In heaven there will be a tree that has 12 kinds of fruit with leaves that will heal nations. And there will be horses of different colors, singing munchkins, and a great and powerful wizard. 22:2

  1272. "Behold, I come quickly." 7, 12, 20

  1273. "His name shall be in their foreheads."
    Which of Jesus' many secret names will that be? Will believers have "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" branded on their foreheads like Jesus has tattooed to his thigh? Or "The Word of God" or "Jealous?" And what about each believer's new secret name? Does God have to mark his followers on their foreheads? Can't he tell the ones that are stupid enough to believe this kind of stuff? 22:4

  1274. "Things which must shortly be done" 22:6

  1275. "The time is at hand." 22:10

  1276. "He which is filthy, let him be filthy still." 22:11

  1277. This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer in Isaiah 14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? 22:16

  1278. Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19 [../tapitcode.html] [../tapitcode.html]