-All: Genesis - Revelation
-Genesis - Deuteronomy
-Joshua - 2 Chronicles
-Ezra - Isaiah
-Jeremiah - Daniel
-Hosea - Micah
-Nahum - Malachi
-Matthew - John
-Acts - Ephesians
-Colossians - Hebrews
-James - Revelation
About the Absurdities
Absurdity: Nahum - Malachi
- "The clouds are the dust of his feet." 1:3
- Whirlwinds, tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of his anger. He dries up oceans and rivers, melts mountains, and throws stones. 1:3-6
- "Knees smite together, and much pain is in all loins." 2:10
- "Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will burn her
- God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy nakedness"
and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4-6
- The Chaldeans' horses were faster than leopards and more fierce than wolves. 1:8
- "Woe unto him that saith to the wood, Awake; to the dumb stone, Arise."
- "God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went the
pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet." 3:3-5
- God measured the earth, scattered mountains, and made the hills bow down. 3:6
- "The mountains saw thee, and they trembled." 3:10
- "Thou didst walk through the sea with thine horses." 3:15
- "When I heard, my belly trembled ... rottenness entered into my bones." 3:16
- "The day of the LORD is at hand." 1:7
- God will punish the princes, the king's children, the merchant people, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel,
leap on the threshold, or bear silver. 1:8-11
- God doesn't have good night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to rob people of their houses, goods, and wine.
- "The great day of the LORD is near." 1:14
- Hide from God and hope he doesn't find you. 2:1-3
- "The cormorant and the bittern shall lodge in the upper lintels of it."
A prophecy for birdwatchers. 2:14
- "Every one that passeth by her [Assyria] shall hiss, and wag his hand." 2:15
- The Singing God: "God will joy over thee with singing." 3:17
- It sounds so much more prophet-like when we are told the year, month, and day of some prophetic nonsense.
1:1, 15, 2:1, 10, 18, 20
- God wanted a nice, fancy house to take pleasure in and be glorified in. 1:8
- But the Israelites repaired their own houses while ignoring the temple. So God huffed, and he puffed, and he blew on the land,
thereby bringing a drought to punish them. 1:9-11
- A whole lot of shaking going on.
God will shake the heavens, the earth, sea, and dry land. He'll shake until "the desire of the nations" comes and his house is filled with glory.
- God will have more glory than ever when he is settled into his new house, and he might even give some peace. 2:9
- God has a conversation with Haggai and the priests about holy flesh, skirts touching bread or wine, the cleanliness of dead bodies, and whatnot.
The main thing to remember here is this: Don't let your holy flesh touch any food or wine, because if you do your flesh won't be holy any more.
- God sent blight and hail upon the Israelites, yet they still didn't return to him. What is wrong with people?
- Consider this: "Consider now from this day and upward, from the four and twentieth day of the ninth month,
even from the day that the foundation of the LORD's temple was laid, consider it." 2:18
- Because I know you'll want to know the year, month, and day that "the word of the LORD" repeatedly comes "unto Zechariah, the son of Berechiah,
the son of Iddo the prophet." 1:1, 7, 7:1
- Zechariah sees a man riding on a red horse and carries on an extended, multi-way conversation with an angel,
a man in a myrtle tree, some horses of different colors, and God. 1:8-15
- Zechariah sees four horns that are sawed off by four carpenters. 1:18-21
- Next Zechariah sees a man with a measuring line in his hand, who told him he was going to measure Jerusalem. Then an angel stopped by to chat,
and finally God shows up and says he'll build a wall of fire around Jerusalem. and he'll be the glory inside. 2:1-5
- Zechariah sees Joshua in filthy clothes standing next to Satan, hanging out with God and an angel. The angel said to take off
Joshua's dirty clothes and Zechariah said to put a miter on his head. So that's what they did. 3:1-5
- God said he would bring forth his servant BRANCH because the stone that God laid before Joshua had seven eyes. And anyway,
someday people will call their neighbors under fig trees. 3:7-10
- The angel wakes up Zechariah and shows him a candlestick with a bowl on top, seven lamps on top of the bowl, and seven pipes on the top of the lamps,
with two olive trees next to the bowls. 4:1-3
- Someday there will be a great talking mountain that will become a plain that will bring forth a headstone that will scream "Grace, grace unto it."
- God has seven eyes that "run to and fro through the whole earth." 4:10
- Zechariah asks about the two olive trees next to the candlesticks, and about the golden pipes, and the golden oil. The angel says they are they are the anointed
ones that stand next to God. 4:11-14
- Zechariah sees a 30 foot flying scroll that burns down the houses of thieves and liars. 5:1-4
- Two women with stork-like wings fly off with an ephah to the land of Shinar. 5:9-11
- Zechariah sees four horses of different colors running to and fro between mountains of brass. They are the four spirits of the heavens.
- The angel shows Zechariah a man named "BRANCH" who will build the temple of the Lord and bear the glory. 6:12-13
- Zechariah asks all the important questions. Should we weep alone in the fifth month, as he has for so many years? How about the seventh month for seventy years? And should we eat and
drink for ourselves or for others? 7:3-6
- "I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with
great fury." 8:2
- "The fast of the fourth month, and the fast of the fifth, and the fast of the seventh, and the fast of the tenth, shall be ... feasts."
- "Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... ten men ... shall take
hold of the skirt of him that is a Jew." 8:23
- "The burden of the word of the LORD ... shall be the rest thereof." 9:1
- "And a bastard shall dwell in Ashdod." 9:6
- "I will take away his blood out of his mouth, and his abominations from between his teeth." 9:7
- Someday we'll see God flying over us with his lightning-like arrows. He'll be blowing his trumpet and sending whirlwinds down south.
- "The LORD of hosts shall defend them; and they shall devour ...they shall drink, and make a noise as through wine." 9:15
- Ask God for rain in the time of the latter rain. 10:1
- "Mine [God's] anger was kindled against the shepherds, and I punished the goats." 10:3
- "I [God] will hiss for them." 10:8
- God is strangely preoccupied with burning cedar, fir, and oak trees. "Howl, fir tree ... Howl, ye oaks!" 11:1-2
- God named two sticks: "Beauty" and "Bands". 11:7
- God "cut off" three shepherds in one month. God's soul and the soul of the shepherds loath one another. 11:8
- God cut his stick named "Beauty" into two pieces. 11:10
- Then God cut his other stick (the one he named "Bands") into two pieces. 11:14
- God plans to expel the prophets and unclean spirits. Sounds like a good plan to me. 13:2
- "The prophets shall be ashamed every one of his vision." 13:4
- God will "go forth and fight" for Jerusalem with "his feet" on the mount of
Olives. (After he forces all the nations of the world to fight against Jerusalem.)
- On the day of the Lord, the mount of Olives will be split in two and half the mountain will be removed. 14:4
- Somday there will be a day that will have neither day nor night with a bright sunny evening. 14:7
- "Living waters shall go out from Jerusalem; half of them toward the former sea, and half of them toward the hinder sea:
in summer and in winter shall it be." 14:8
- "In that day shall there be upon the bells of the horses, HOLINESS UNTO THE LORD." 14:20
- Every pot in Jerusalem and in Judah shall be holiness unto the LORD of hosts." 14:21
- The book of Malachi is anonymous; Malachi is just a
transliteration of the Hebrew words for "my messenger." 1:1
- "Wherein hast thou loved us?" Malachi was addressing
the skeptics of his day who questioned God's love for them. He explains that God
must love them since he loved Jacob, hated Esau, and will be angry with the Edomites forever.
- God hated Esau and gave his inheritance to the dragons. 1:3
- God continues to demand animal sacrifices. And not just any animals will do. He is insulted when blind, lame, or sick animals are killed for him.
- "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your
- "And ye shall know that I have sent this commandment unto you."
When God spreads dung upon your face, you'll know where it came from.
- "Ye have wearied the LORD with your words." 2:17
- God will curse you if you don't give him money and meat. 3:8-10