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Absurdity: Joshua - 2 Chronicles
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- "Her house was upon the town wall, and she dwelt upon the wall."
Since Rahab's house was built on the wall, how did she and her family survive when the wall fell down?
(See Joshua 6:20) 2:15
- The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting their feet wet. Glory!
- At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again the children of Israel the second time"
(ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-3
- It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time,
would have taken no more than a few weeks. 5:6
- Joshua meets a man with a sword in his hand who claims to be the captain of God's army. Joshua
seemed to think the strange man was God himself, as he bowed down to worship him. Apparently God's
captain agreed, telling Joshua to take off his shoe, since he was standing on holy ground (as Moses was
told to do in Exodus 3:5). But whoever was, he disappeared, never to return again. 5:13-15
- "And Joshua fell on his face." 5:14
- God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven priests go before the ark with seven trumpets of ram's horns.
Then on the seventh day, they go around the city seven times. Finally, the priests blow a long blast from the ram's horns, all
the people shout, and the walls will fall down. 6:3-5
- Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be sure to save all the silver and gold for God!
- Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their faces, and put dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum
because the Israelites lost a battle (God was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the accursed thing").
- And Joshua ... fell to the earth upon his face." 7:6
- "And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way."
God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them along the way. 10:10
- "The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ... and they died."
As the Amorites try to escape, God sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:11
- In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done
before dark. 10:12-13
- "The Lord fought for Israel." 10:14, 42
- "And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants."
- God's plan for accidental killings: Establish some cities of refuge that accidental killers can
flee to so they won't be killed by "the avenger of blood." 20:1-9
- One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is that fighteth for you." 23:10
- God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. 24:12
- Adonibezek fed 70 kings (with their thumbs and big toes cut off) under his table. 1:7
- "The Lord ... could not drive out the
inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." 1:19
- God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But
these verses show that God failed to keep his promise since he was unable to driver out the Canaanites.
- An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious
beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their
job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead
he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods.
- God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14,
- "Surely he covereth his feet in his summer chamber."
"Covering his feet" is the biblical equivalent of "going to the bathroom." 3:24
- Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31
- "The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he [Sisera, not God] had nine hundred chariots of
iron." Yet just a few verses ago (1:19) God was overpowered by chariots of iron.
- "The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is true, how can the
stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20
- "The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and
the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years."
God forces the Israelites to be slaves to the Midianites for seven years. 6:1
- "They (the Midianites) came as grasshoppers for multitude;
for both they and their camels were without number."
Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses (Numbers 31:7), and
yet 200 years later they flourish like grasshoppers "without number." 6:6
- "The children of Israel cried unto the LORD."
This is always step three in God's four-step slavery/slaughter plan. 1: The Israelites do evil in the site of the Lord;
2: God sells them into slavery; 3: The Israelites cry unto the Lord; and 4: God kills the people he sold the Israelites to. 6:7
- "There came an angel of the LORD, and sat under an oak ...
And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD
is with thee, thou mighty man of valour." 6:11-12
- "And the LORD looked upon him, and said..."
God joins in the conversation with Gideon and the angel. 6:14
- To prove he's for real, the angel makes fire come out of a rock, burning the flesh and cakes. 6:20-21
- "The Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet." 6:34
- Gideon needs some (more) signs to convince him that God isn't lying to him. (The
burning flesh sign from 6:20-21 didn't satisfy him.)
So he puts down some wool on the
ground and asks God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry. And God does it, no sweat. But
Gideon is still not sure he can trust God, so he asks him to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool
dry. "And God did so ..." Gideon must have been impressed by a God that could do such great things.
- "The people that are with thee are too many."
God tells Gideon to reduce the size of his army so that they couldn't claim to have killed all the Midianites without him.
God doesn't like to share credit for his killings. 7:2
- God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their
tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight. 7:4-7
- "And the LORD said unto Gideon,
By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you." 7:7
- The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels -- well, maybe not quite, but at least as many
"as the sand by the sea shore." 7:12
- Some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents. The barley cake smote the tent and -- well, anyway, it was a sign from
God that he and Gideon would massacre the Midianites. 7:13-14
- Gideon's men break three hundred pitchers while holding lamps, blowing trumpets, and yelling "The sword of the Lord and of
- "Gideon made an ephod ... and all Israel went thither a whoring after it." 8:27
- Abimelech kills 70 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.)
- And now for something completely different: Talking Trees 9:8-15
- "Wine ... cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and it makes him happy. 9:13
- God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24
- Abimelech and his men burned to death 1000 men and women who were trapped in a tower.
(They had really big towers back then.) 9:49
- "Jair ... had thirty sons that rode on thirty ass colts, and they had thirty cities."
- God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. [He had previously sold them to the kings of
Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2).] 10:7
- "And the children of Israel cried unto the LORD." 10:10
- "And the LORD said unto the children of Israel ... I will deliver you no more ... Go and cry unto the gods which ye have chosen."
- "And the children of Israel said unto the LORD, We have sinned ... And they put away the strange gods from among them,
and served the LORD: and his soul was grieved for the misery of Israel." 10:15-16
- "He rent his clothes." 11:35
- 42,000 Ephraimites fail the "shibboleth" test and are killed by Jephthah's army. 12:6
- "Ibzan ... had thirty sons, and thirty daughters, whom he sent abroad, and took in thirty daughters." 12:8-9
- Abdon had 70 sons and nephews that rode on 70 ass colts. 12:13-14
- "The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD;
and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years." 13:1
- "And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her,
Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son." 13:2-3
- "The child shall be a Nazarite from the womb."
According to Numbers 6:6 Nazarites are not to touch any dead bodies. But Samson was a mass murderer.
He must have touched hundreds of dead bodies. (Or did he just kill his victims, being careful not to touch them after they were dead?)
- A man of God came unto me [Samson's mom]."
She didn't ask him any questions and he didn't tell her his name. 13:6
- "The angel of God came again unto the woman
as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her."
Husbands are never around when angels come unto women and make them pregnant. 13:9
- "Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?"
The angel had a secret name. (Clarence?, 007?, agent 99?) 13:18
- "The angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And
Manoah and his wife ... fell on their faces." 13:20
- "But the angel of the LORD did no more appear to Manoah and to his wife.
Then Manoah knew that he was an angel of the LORD."
Manoah and his wife knew the angel was from God because they never saw him again. 13:21
- "And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him." Samson was one of the vilest of all the vile Bible
heroes; Yet he was especially blessed by God. 13:24
- Samson's lust for the Philistine woman was "of the Lord." It was all a part of God's plan for killing Philistines.
- Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." Later, when going to "take"
his Philistine wife he notices a swarm of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting flesh, flies,
and maggots?). 14:5-8
- "I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness."
That's the riddle. Whoever can figure it out before the week of partying is over will get 30 sheets and 30 garments.
But whoever can't will have to give Samuel 30 sheets and 30 garments. 14:12-13
- "Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire."
Samson's party buddies are taking the riddle seriously. They tell Samson's new Philistine wife to tell them the answer to
the riddle or they'll burn her house down. 14:15
- "And she wept before him the seven days ... and ... on the seventh day ... he told her ... and she told the riddle to ... her people."
- Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire; the Philistines
burn Samson's ex-wife and father-in-law; and Samson smites them "hip and thigh with a great
- "The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it,
and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15
- After Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, he was thirsty. So God
created and filled a hollow in the very same jawbone and put water in it for Samson to drink.
- Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors, gate, and posts of the city and carries them to the top of a
hill. Why did he do this? Did God make him do it or was he just showing off? The Bible doesn't say.
- Delilah is paid by the Philistines to find out the magical source of Samson's strength and how he could be restrained.
She asks Samson three times. He says he'd become as week as any other man if he were tied up with bowstrings.
So she does that, but he breaks the bow strings. She askes again and he says to use ropes. So she uses ropes, but he breaks the ropes.
Next he says to weave his braids into a cloth. So she does that, but he breaks out of that one too. 6:6-14
- Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me." (And I
thought his strength was from God.) 16:17
- Micah, his mother, and the ephod and teraphim
A man named Micah stole 1100 shekels of silver from his mother. When he returned the silver to his mother, she made a graven
image in the form of an ephod and teraphim. 17:1-5
- The Massacre of the Peaceful, Unsuspecting People
The story begins with the tribe of Dan (one of the 12 tribes of Israel) looking for a nice place to live.
So they sent out five men to find some land. 18:1-27
- On their way, they stopped at a Micah's house and asked his priest to ask God where they should go to find some land. The priest told them to just
go looking for it, and that God would be with them wherever they went. 18:3-6
- So they left there and came to a place called Laish, where the people lived peaceful, secure, carefree lives. 18:7
- Then the five men returned and told the other Danites to attack Laish, saying that God had given it into their hands. 18:8-10
- So the Danites steal the Levite priest's ephod and teraphim, round up 600 soldiers, and march off toward Laish. 18:11-20
- The Danites slaughtered the peaceful, unsuspecting people with the help of the ephod and teraphim. 18:31
- After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of
perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an
ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of
- "The children of Israel ... gathered together as one man [along with] four hundred thousand footmen that drew sword."
After receiving the Levite's rotting-concubine-body-part-message (see the last chapter for the gory details),
the entire population of Israel along with 400,000 soldiers gathered together to decide what to do about it.
- "I took my concubine, and cut her in pieces, and sent her throughout all the country."
The Levite tells everyone his story (leaving out the part about how he gave his concubine to the
mob to do with as they pleased), explaining the mysterious rotting body part messages that brought everyone in Israel together.
- "And all the people arose as one man, saying...."
Can't you just picture it? After hearing the Levite's story, the entire population of Israel spoke in unison, saying "We will not any of us go to his tent,
neither will we any of us turn into his house." 20:8
- The Benjamites had 700 left-handed men who could sling a stone at a hair and not miss.
- After the Benjamites refuse to turn over the men from Gibeah (the town that wanted to have sex with the Levite
but settled for his concubine instead), the Israelites asked God which tribe should go to war with them. God said the tribe
of Judah should go first. So Judah goes to war, but the Benjamites with their sharp shooting lefties kill 22,000 Israelites.
- After 22,000 Israelites were killed by the Benjamites, they cry all day before the Lord. Then they ask God (again)
if they should go to war against Benjamin. God said yes, so they try it again, and another 18,000 Israelites are killed.
- Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask again (for the third time) if they should attack the
Benjamites. God give them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promises (he was just kidding the last couple times) that
he "will deliver them into thine hand." 20:26-28
- God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver them into his hand.
So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41
- After the Israelites heard the Levite's story (about chopping up his dead concubine and sending her body parts to each
tribe of Israel) they vowed not to "give" their daughters to the Benjamites. So now they had a problem: they just finished
killing all the Benjamite women and children (Jg 20:48) so there were no women for the surviving Benjamite men to marry.
[There were 600 Benjamite men that survived the war with the Israelites. (Jg 20:47)]
- But they find a great solution. They check their records and find that no one from Jabeshgilead came to the
rotting-concubine- body-part meeting. So they'll go and steal their women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites.
- Then the elders of the congregation said, How shall we do for wives for them that remain, seeing the women are
destroyed out of Benjamin?" 21:16
- "We may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that
giveth a wife to Benjamin." 21:18
- So they come up with another brilliant plan. Have the Benjamites hide in the bushes and then catch the daughters
of Shiloh when they come out to dance. So that's what they did and everyone lived happily ever after. 21:19-23
- "Then she fell on her face." 2:10
- In the first chapter of Ruth (1:11), Naomi is too old to conceive, but now, in the fourth chapter,
she functions as a wet nurse. 4:16
- "The Lord had shut up her [Hannah's] womb." 1:5
- "And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something
like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy,
another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20
- "And the Lord visited Hannah [again], so that she conceived." Did he get her pregnant in the usual way?
- A disembodied voice calls to the child Samuel three times. The first two times, Samuel thought it was
Eli that called him. But Eli figured that the voice must be God's. So the third time that
God called, he was able to deliver his message to Samuel. 3:4-10
- God will do something that will cause everyone's ears to tingle. 3:11
- Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13) and Eli says,
"Okay, whatever God wants is fine with me." 3:18
- "The Lord appeared again in Shiloh ... the Lord revealed himself to Samuel." 3:21
- When the Israelites saw the ark of the covenant, they shouted so loud that the ground shook. 4:5
- The Philistines set the ark of God next to the god Dagon, and the next morning Dagon had mysteriously (miraculously?) fallen on his face. The same
thing happened the next night, only this time his head and hands were cut off, too! After that, no one ever entered the house of Dagon again.
- God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12
- To see if it was God who killed the Philistine people, the ark of the Lord and the five golden hemorrhoids were put into a cart pulled by
two cows. Then the cows were let go. If the cows went directly to Bethshemesh, then God killed the people. And that is the way the cows went.
So by this superstitious method we know that it was God who killed the Philistines by giving them
hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 6:7-12
- After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him
five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17
- The LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel."
- After God helped the Israelites slaughter the Philistines, Samuel erected a monument saying, "So far God has helped us."
- Saul was the best looking guy in Israel and was a foot taller than everyone else.
- God tells Samuel that Saul is the man he has chosen to be King. 9:17
- Samuel found Saul's missing asses without even looking for them. You see, he's a seer -- just like Joseph Smith!
- When the people couldn't find Saul (who was selected to be king by drawing lots), they "enquired
of the Lord ... and the Lord answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the
- "When he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward."
Saul literally stood head and shoulders above any other person in Israel. (He was also the best looking.)
- "But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they
despised him, and brought no presents." 10:27
- Everyone (except the virgin women) in Jabeshgilead was killed by the non-Benjamite Israelites
(see Judges 21:10-14), yet here just a few years later "all the men" are negotiating a
treaty with the Ammonites. Do dead men make treaties? I guess in the Bible they do! 11:1
- "I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the
- "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them
throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest
things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7
- "Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is
hard work. 11:11
- "So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain." 12:18
- "Saul reigned one year; and when he had reigned two years over Israel...." Huh? 13:1
- "Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines ... And Saul blew the trumpet throughout all the land, saying,
Let the Hebrews hear."
After his son Jonathan killed some Philistines, Saul went around throughout Israel blowing a trumpet and saying,
"Let the Hebrew hear." It is strange to read in the next chapter that Jonathan's God-assisted slaughter of 20 Philistines
was "his first slaughter." Didn't this slaughter count, or what? 13:3
- "The Philistines gathered ... as the sand which is on the sea shore."
OK. That might be a bit of an exaggeration. 13:5
- "The LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart."
Samuel tells Saul that he's just not good enough for God. So God has chosen someone else to replace him as king.
Who is this guy, this "man after his own heart" that God has chosen?
- "In the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people
that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found."
There were only two swords in the entire Israelite army, Saul's and Jonathan's. 13:22
- After Jonathan's first slaughter (20 men in one half acre), God showed his approval with "a very great trembling."
- "I did but taste a little honey ... and, lo, I must die."
Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all of his enemies, saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But his son Jonathan
didn't hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit of honey. So he Saul says his son is cursed and must die.
- "Samuel ... laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent."
Samuel was so upset that Saul left one Amalekite alive (instead of killing everyone like God commanded) that he tore his skirt.
- "The LORD said unto Samuel, How long wilt thou mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel?"
God tells Samuel to quit moping around about Saul and get out and find another king. 16:1-3
- "But the spirit of the Lord
departed from Saul [since he was not murderous enough for God], and an evil
spirit from the Lord troubled him." But if God is good, then how could
he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23
- Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4
- David caught a lion (and a bear?) "by his beard" and then killed him. 17:34-35
- "David ... behaved himself wisely."
Like when he buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins a little later in this chapter. 18:5
- "The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied." 18:10
- "Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with him, and was departed from Saul."
Saul was afraid of David because "the Lord was with him." I suppose the Lord even tagged along with David when he cut off the 200
Philistine foreskins in v.27. Did God hold the penises as David cut them off or vice versa.
- "And David behaved himself wisely in all his ways; and the LORD was with him."
Read the story below (18:25-28) to see an example of David's wise behavior when God is with him. 18:14
- "All Israel and Judah loved David, because he went out and came in before them." 18:16
- David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal).
Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
- "And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David."
(How else could David get so many foreskins?) 18:28
- "David behaved ... wisely." 18:30
- And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't keep
away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9
- "Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying ... the Spirit of God was
upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied."
Saul sent messengers to kill David. But when they messengers arrived and saw everyone prophesying, the spirit of the
Lord came upon them too and they began prophesying. 19:20
- "And when it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise." 19:21a
- "And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied
- "He [Saul] went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied."
Finally, Saul comes to see what's going on and the Spirit of God comes on him too and he prophesies. 19:23
- Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he stripped off his clothes ... and
lay down naked all that day and night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?"
- Jonathan's fortune-telling arrow shots.
Jonathan shoots three arrows and then sends a boy to fetch them. If the arrows go farther than the boy ran, then God will send David away.
The arrows went over the boys head, so God forced David and Jonathan to part. 20:20-39
- "David ... fell on his face." 20:41
- David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of Gath, and lets spit run down his beard. All this he did in
front of Israel's enemies in the hopes that they would take him in and protect him from Saul. 21:12
- "Saul went in to cover his feet." (Saul took a leak.) 24:3
- "Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily."
David snuck in and cut off a piece of Saul's skirt while he was relieving himself. Saul was so busy with his business that he
didn't even see David or notice that his skirt was being cut. 24:4
- "If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22
- When Abigail saw David, she ... fell ... on her face." 25:23
- "Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth
against the wall."
If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall".
- They were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them."
David and Abishai sneak into Saul's tent and steal his spear and water jug without anyone noticing "because a deep sleep
from the LORD was fallen upon them." 26:12
- Among those that David exterminated were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since
Saul killed them all (15:7-8) just a little while before.
- "And when Saul inquired of the Lord, the
Lord answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets." 28:6
- Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again
explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel
into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites.
Fair is fair.) 28:8-19
- "Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel." 28:11
- "An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel." 28:14
- "And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up?" 28:15
- "David said unto Achish, But what have I done ... that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king?"
David was disappointed. He wanted to go kill Israelites with the Philistines. 29:8
- The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly destroyed": first by Saul
(15:7-8) and then by David (27:9-11). Yet here
they are, just a few years later, fighting the Philistines! 30:1
- "The Amalekites ... slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way."
Believers like to say that the Amalekites were so evil that God had to kill them all, even their women and children.
Yet here the Amalekites behave far better than the Israelites by not killing their captives.
(Compare these verses with God's command to Saul in 15:3.) 30:1-2
- "David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him." 30:6
- "And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? And he answered him,
Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them." 30:8
- "David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day:
and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men."
David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. He kills all of them except for 400 that escaped on camels. (See
15:7-8 and 27:8-9 for the last two times
they were exterminated.) 30:17
- "David ... returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites"
How could David find any Amalekites to slaughter? Saul already killed them all (except Agag,
who was killed by Samuel). 1:1
- According to these verses, Saul was killed by an Amalekite. But Saul killed all the Amalekites
(except for Agag who Samuel hacked to death) as God commanded in 1 Samuel 15:3,
so how could he later be killed by one? 1:8-10
- Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him."
When Bible characters get upset, they tear their clothes. 1:11
- Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." (It seems that in 2
Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27, 4:6,
- David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines."
Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Samuel 18:27).
- "David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him, Rend your clothes."
Why do people in the Bible always tear their clothes when they get upset? 3:31
- "When David enquired of the LORD, he said ... come upon them over against the mulberry trees." 5:23
- "When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host
of the Philistines." 5:24
- "The Lord of Hosts ... dwelleth between the cherubims." 6:2
- "He fell on his face." 9:6
- "Then said David, I will shew kindness unto Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father shewed kindness unto me."
Nahash gouged out the eyes of Israelite messengers (or at least threatened to) in 1 Samuel 11.
That's a strange way to show kindness! 10:2
- "Hanun ... shaved off the one half of their beards, and cutt off their garments ... even to their
That'll teach them! 10:4
- After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears
another son (Solomon). 12:24
- "The Lord loved him ... and called his his name Jedidiah."
After God killed Bathsheba's baby boy, David got her pregnant again. God loved this baby (and so he decided not to kill it)
and he called him Jedidiah, but everyone else called him Solomon. 12:24-25
- David puts on a gold crown weighing 1 talent (somewhere between 26 and 60
(He had a very strong neck.) 12:30
- "Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours." 13:19
- "The king ... tare his garments, and lay on the earth; and all his servants stood by with their clothes rent."
- "She fell on her face." 14:4
- "Joab fell to the ground on his face." 14:22
- "In all Israel there was none to be so much praised as Absalom for his
beauty: from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no
blemish in him."
Absolom was the best looking guy in all of Israel. He didn't have a blemish on his whole body. 14:25
- "He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels."
Since a shekel is about 11.5 grams, Absolom's hair weighed 2.3 kilograms! 14:25-26
- "Shimei ... cursed still as he came ... and he cast stones at David ...
And thus said Shimei when he cursed, Come out, come out, thou bloody man,
and thou man of Belial."
Good for Shimei! It's about time David got what he deserved. 16:5-7
- "The LORD hath returned upon thee all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose stead thou hast reigned; and the LORD
hath delivered the kingdom into the hand of Absalom thy son: and, behold, thou art taken in thy mischief, because thou
art a bloody man." 16:8
- "The king said ... let him curse, because the LORD hath said unto him, Curse David ... let him curse;
for the LORD hath bidden him." 16:10-11
- "As David and his men went by the way, Shimei went along on the hill's side over against him, and cursed as he went,
and threw stones at him, and cast dust." 16:13
- "The wood [forest] devoured more people that day
than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000
- "And he fell ... upon his face." 18:25
- Joab smites Amasa "in the fifth rib", of course. 20:10
- "Then cried a wise woman out of the city ... Behold, his head shall be thrown
to thee over the wall ... And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." 20:16-22
- A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul,
and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. "So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that
a former king had done. 21:1
- To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five
of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9
- "They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land."
God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him. 21:13-14
- "Ishbibenob, which was of the sons of the giant" 21:16
- "Saph, which was of the sons of the giant" 21:18
- There ... was a man of great stature, that had on every hand six fingers, and on every foot six toes,
four and twenty in number; and he also was born to the giant." 21:20
- "These four were born to the giant in Gath." 21:22
- "The earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth." 22:8
- "There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth." 22:9
- "He ... came down; and darkness was under his feet." 22:10
- "He rode upon a cherub, and did fly." 22:11
- "The LORD thundered from heaven, and the most High (who?) uttered his voice." 22:14
- "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of his nostrils." 22:16
- "I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God."
David is one of the most despicable characters in all fiction, yet here he brags about how perfect he is. (And God agrees with him!)
- The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one time.
- "Eleazar the son of Dodo ... smote the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clave unto the sword:
and the LORD wrought a great victory that day." 23:9-10
- David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well,
which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from
the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground.
- "Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them." 23:18
- "Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst
of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand."
- "Thrity and seven in all."
How come only 31 are listed in verses 24-39? 23:39
- God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chronicles 21:1 says
that Satan tempted David, and James 1:13 says that
God never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census?
And what the heck is wrong with a census anyway? 24:1
- Israel had 1,300,000 fighting men in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a
battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about
1.43 million active duty soldiers in 2010.) 24:9
- God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven
years of famine (1 Chr 21:12 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or
3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men
(and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13
- After God threatens to kill hundreds of thousands of
innocent people for a census that he inspired, David says, "let us fall now into the hand of the
LORD; for his mercies are great." 24:14
- Finally, when an angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, "the Lord repented." That's nice, but why would a good God
have to repent of the evil that he planned to do? 24:16
- When Solomon was annointed king the people sang and shouted so loudly that it caused an earthquake! 1:39-40
- "The LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night: and God said, Ask what I shall give thee."
God appeared to Solomon in a dream and offered him whatever he wanted. 3:5
- God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of all men. (He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also
promises to "lengthen Solomon's days" if he will only "walk in my ways, ... as thy father David did walk."
- And Solomon awoke; and, behold, it was a dream."
It was only a dream. None of it every happened. God didn't appear to Solomon and God didn't make him the wisest person on earth.
It was just a silly dream like we all have now and then. 3:15
- "God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding exceeding much, and largeness of heart, even as the sand that is on the sea shore."
- How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have his heart "turned away ... after other gods?"
(1 Kings 11:4) 4:29-31
- "He was wiser than ... Heman." 4:31
- The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny compared to the one he built for himself. According
, God's house had less than one-quarter the floor space of Solomon's. 6:2,
- When the priests brought the ark into the temple, a "cloud filled the house of the LORD So that the priests" could not see.
- God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment for sin. 8:35
- When dedicating the temple, Solomon killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 8:63
- The LORD appeared to Solomon the second time ... and the LORD said unto him...."
God and Solomon have a long face to face talk. 9:2-3
- "They came to Ophir, and fetched from thence gold, four hundred and twenty talents, and brought it to king Solomon."
420 talents would be about 31,500 pounds of gold, which would be worth more than one half billion U.S. dollars today.
- "She gave the king an hundred and twenty talents of gold."
Since a talent was about 75 pounds, the Queen of Sheba gave Solomon 9000 pounds of gold, which would be worth around 144 million
U.S. dollars today. 10:10
- "The weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred
threescore and six talents of gold."
Every year, Solomon received 666 talents of gold, which sounds a bit satanic to me. (666 talents of gold would weigh about
50,000 pounds and would be worth nearly 800 million U.S. dollars today.) 10:14
- "And the king made silver to be in Jerusalem as stones."
When Solomon was king, silver was as common as stones in Jerusalem. 10:27
- "King Solomon loved many strange women."
God didn't mind the number so much; it was their "strangeness" that he objected to. 11:1
- "He [Solomon] had seven hundred wives ... and three hundred concubines." 11:3
- His wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God."
The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kings 4:31) was misled by his wives into worshipping other gods.
- His heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as was the heart of David his father ... Solomon did evil in the sight of the LORD, and went not fully after the LORD, as did David his father."
David was one of the most disgusting characters in all fiction, yet "his heart was perfect with the Lord."
- "Then did Solomon build an high place for Chemosh, the abomination of Moab, in the hill that is before Jerusalem,
and for Molech, the abomination of the children of Ammon."
Solomon (the wisest man that ever lived) worshipped many gods, including Ashtoreth, Micom, Chemosh, and Molech.
- "The LORD stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite."
To punish Solomon for his strange wives and strange gods, God "stirred up an adversary unto Solomon, Hadad the Edomite."
- "Joab ... had smitten every male in Edom."
Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. Yet a few years later Edom revolted. (2 Kings 8:22) 11:15-16
- "And God stirred him up another adversary, Rezon." 11:23
- "Ahijah caught the new garment that was on him, and rent it in twelve pieces ... for thus saith the LORD,
the God of Israel, Behold, I will rend the kingdom out of the hand of Solomon." 11:30-31
- "They ... have not walked in my ways, to do that which is right in mine eyes, and to keep my statutes and my judgments,
as did David his father." 11:33
- "David my servant ... whom I chose, because he kept my commandments and my statutes." 11:34
- "Jerusalem, the city which I have chosen."
God likes Jerusalem better than any other city. 11:36
- "If thou wilt ... walk in my ways, and do that is right in my sight, to keep my statutes and my commandments,
as David my servant did...." 11:38
- "I [king Rehoboam] will chastise you with scorpions." 12:11, 14
- "The king took counsel, and made two calves of gold, and said unto them ... behold thy gods,
O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt." 12:28
- "And this thing became a sin." 12:30
- "There came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the LORD ... and he cried against the altar in the word of the LORD, and said,
O altar, altar...." 13:1-2
- This is the sign which the LORD hath spoken; Behold, the altar shall be rent, and the ashes that are upon it shall be
poured out ... The altar also was rent, and the ashes poured out from the altar, according to the sign which the man of
God had given by the word of the LORD." 13:3-5
- "And his hand, which he put forth against him, dried up ... And the man of God besought the LORD, and the king's
hand was restored him again."
Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4-6
- "A lion met him by the way, and slew him."
So there were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To the punish the second for believing the first's lie,
God sent a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24
- After killing the "man of God" for God, the lion hung around with the ass and the carcass on the side of the road for a few days.
- "When the prophet ... heard thereof, he said, It is the man of God, who was disobedient unto the word of the LORD:
therefore the LORD hath delivered him unto the lion, which hath torn him, and slain him, according to the word of the LORD."
- Everything that David did was right in the eyes of the Lord. (See
here for a sample of what
God considers "right".) 14:8
- "But [Jeroboam] hast done evil above all that were before thee."
Jeroboam did more evil than everyone who has ever lived. 14:9
- Killing everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10,
- During Rehoboam's reign, every tree had a shrine with a sacred stone and every hill an Asherah pole.
- "And his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father." 15:3
- "For David's sake"
God has a hard-on for David. He'll do just about anything for David's sake. 15:4
- "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD,
and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite."
David never sinned, "save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite." 15:5
- Did Abijam marry his own mother?
Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah), Abijam was both father and
brother to Asa. 15:9-10
- "Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, As did David his father." 15:11
- "Omri ... did worse than all that were before him."
Omni was the worst person that ever existed (up to that time, anyway). 16:25
- "Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the LORD above all that were before him."
Ahab was the worst person that ever existed. He replaced his father Omri as the worst person in the world.
- "Ahab did more to provoke the LORD God of Israel to anger than all the kings of Israel that were before him."
- Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and dinner. 17:6
- God "brings evil" upon the widow's son by killing him. Elijah took the dead boy to
his room, laid him on the bed, and stretched his body on the boy's body three times. Which did the trick.
(See a similar but even creepier story in 2 Kings 4:32-35, where Elisha resurrects a dead boy by stretching himself
upon him.) 17:17-22
- "He ... fell on his face." 18:7
- "Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey,
or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked."
Note from the Oxford Annotated Bible: "He has gone aside ['he pursueth' in the KJV] is probably a euphemism for attending to natural needs."
- "The fire of the Lord fell, and consumed ... stones." 18:38
- "And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces." 18:39
- When the hand of the Lord comes on Elijah, he girded up his loins and ran to Jezreel,
running so fast that he arrived before Ahab who was on horseback! 18:46
- "An angel touched him."
Elijah was touched by an angel. 19:5
- "Behold, there was a cake ... and he did eat."
Elijah ate some angel food cake. 19:6
- "He arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights."
Elijah went forty days on two (angel food cake) meals. 19:8
- God passes by and causes a great wind, earthquake, fire, and a little voice. (God was in the little voice.)
- "The servants of the king of Syria said unto him, Their gods are gods of the hills."
God killed 127,000 Syrians because they called him a "God of the hills." (See verses 28-30)
- God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites' hands, and 100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped,
27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. (It was a really big wall.) 20:28-30
- "A man of God ... said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills,
but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall
know that I am the LORD."
God kills 127,000 Syrians because they said he was God of the hills but not God of the valleys. 20:28
- "The children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day." 20:29
- "There a wall fell upon twenty and seven thousand of the men that were left." 20:30
- "Let us, I pray thee, put sackcloth on our loins, and ropes upon our heads ...
So they girded sackcloth on their loins, and put ropes on their heads." 20:31-32
- There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "Smite me." But the neighbor refused.
So God sent a lion to devour him. True story. 20:35-36
- "When Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his flesh,
and fasted, and lay in sackcloth, and went softly." 21:27
- "And the LORD said, Who shall persuade Ahab?"
God asks for volunteer among the guys hanging out with him. He wants one of them to lie for him so that he can get Ahab kiiled.
- God's dog food. 21:19, 22:23
- "Zedekiah ... smote Micaiah on the cheek, and said, Which way went the Spirit of the LORD from me to speak unto thee?"
- He was an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins. And he said, It is Elijah."
(Nobody dresses like Elijah!) 1:8
- Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. He
did the job in two shifts of 51 men each. 1:9-12
- When Elijah needs to cross a river, he just
smacks the water with his magic mantle and crosses on dry land. 2:8
- "Elisha said, I pray thee, let a double portion of thy spirit be upon me." 2:9
- "Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven." 2:11
- "He took hold of his own clothes, and rent them in two pieces." 2:12
- Elisha repeats Elijah's trick of parting the waters of the Jordan by smiting them with his mantle.
- Elisha "heals" the waters by adding a pinch of salt. 2:20-22
- God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24
- Another miracle birth! (And another boy)
Elisha and God make an old woman pregnant. 4:16-17
- "Gird up they loins." 4:29, 9:1
- Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him
a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his eyes on the child's eyes, and
his hands on the child's hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven
Was this a miraculous healing or artificial respiration? 4:32-35
- Elisha put some meal (flour) in a pot to counteract the poison in a pot of stew. 4:40-41
- "When the king of Israel had read the letter ... he rent his clothes." 5:7
- "When Elisha the man of God had heard that the king of Israel had rent his clothes, that he sent to the king, saying, Wherefore
hast thou rent thy clothes?" 5:8
- Elisha can do all the tricks of Jesus (raise the dead, heal the sick, etc.). Here he cures a leper, but only after the
leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14
- Elisha makes an iron ax head swim. Neat trick, not even Jesus did that one!
- "Elisha ... telleth the king of Israel the words that thou speakest in thy bedchamber."
Elisha is clairaudient (acquires psychic knowledge
by auditory means). 6:12
- Elisha prayed and "behold,
the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha." 6:17
- With God's help, Elisha first blinds the Syrians and then restores their sight.
- "An ass's head was
sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's
dung for five pieces of silver." 6:25
- When the king heard the words of the woman ... he rent his clothes ... and, behold, he had sackcloth within on his flesh." 6:30
- God forcasts the commodities market: Tommorow about this time, flour with sell for this and barley for that.
- God made noises to scare the Syrians. He's such a clever guy! 7:6
- The Edomites revolt. But how could they have fought when all of their males had just recently been killed?
(1 Kings 11:16) 8:22
- Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins." 9:1
- "Wherefore came this mad fellow to thee?"
One of Jehu's officers called Elisha a madman (which, of course, he was). 9:11
- "He driveth furiously."
Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers. 9:20
- "When he was departed thence, he lighted on Jehonadab … coming to meet him …
and said to him, Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? And Jehonadab answered, It is. If it be, give me thine hand. And he
gave him his hand; and he took him up to him into the chariot."
After meeting with Ahaziah’s family (and killing them all), Jehu got into his chariot and drove away furiously toward Samaria. On his way,
he ran across his old friend, Jehonadab. Jehu asked him, “Is your heart true to mine as mine is to yours?” And Jehonadab said, “It is.”
(They were very good friends.) 10:15
- Jehu shows off his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had
destroyed him according to the word of the Lord." 10:16-17
- Elisha tells Joash to shoot an arrow out the window. Joash shoots the magic arrow out the window, which guarantees
that he will "smite the Syrians" until he "consumes them." 13:15-17
- Elisha tells Joash to hit the ground with his arrow. So he smacks the ground three times. Elisha then yells at him,
saying he should have struck the ground five or six times. If he had, then he would have completely wiped out Syria, but now
since he only struck the ground three times, he'll only get to smite Syria three times. Shucks! 13:18-19
- A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21
- According to this verse, Ahaz was 36 years old when he completed his reign. And 18:1-2 says that he was
succeeded by a 25 year old son, Hezekiah. This means that Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only eleven years
- Hezekiah, the son of Ahaz, began to reign when he was 25 years old. His father was 36 years old when
Hezekiah took over (16:2). So Ahaz was only eleven years old when he fathered Hezekiah!
- While Hezekiah was busy doing things that were "right in the sight of the Lord," he broke the brazen
serpent that God told Moses to make in Numbers 21:8. 18:3-4
- "Shebna ... and Joah with their clothes rent."
People either tear their clothes or fall on their face when they get upset in the Bible. 18:37
- "When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes." 19:1
- An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose early in the morning, behold,
they were all dead corpses." I guess they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35
- "Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered." 20:7
- Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at
once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the
earth in those days! 20:11
- God plans to "bring such evil upon
Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12
- "I [God] will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down." 21:13
- "When the king had heard the words of the book of the law, that he rent his clothes." 22:11
- "Because ... thou ... hast rent thy clothes." 22:19
- The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good examples of the "endless genealogies" that Paul tells us to avoid
(see 1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9). Chapters 1-9
- Seven sons of Zerubbabel are listed, not five as is said in this verse. 3:20
- Five sons of Shemiah are listed, not six as is said in this verse. 3:22
- As if it wasn't boring enough the first time, ten verses from Saul's genealogy are
repeated in consecutive chapters. 8:29-38, 9:35-44
- "So David waxed greater and greater: for the LORD of hosts was with him."
It would be hard to find a more disgusting character in all fiction than David, but "the Lord of hosts was with him."
- The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 300 guys at one time.
- Eleazar the son of Dodo ... one of the three mighties ... slew the Philistines; and the LORD saved them by a great deliverance."
- David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well,
which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from
the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground.
- Abishai killed 300 men with his spear. 11:20
- "Benaiah ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion." 11:22
- The Gadites had faces like lions and could run as fast as deer on the mountains.
- A talkative spirit (The Holy Spirit?) comes upon Amasai and says, "Thine are we, David and on thy side...." 12:19
- "The LORD said unto him, Go up; for I will deliver them into thine hand."
God tells David to go to war with the Philistines, promising to deliver them into his hand. 14:10
- "David enquired again of God; and God said unto him, Go not up after them; turn away from them, and come upon them over against the
mulberry trees." 14:14
- God tells David to listen for a sound in the mulberry trees. That sound will mean that God has already killed the Philistines.
- "Michal, the daughter of Saul looking out at a window saw
king David dancing and playing: and she despised him in her heart."
Michal looks out her window and
sees David dancing nearly naked in front of God and everybody. And she is rightly disgusted by it.
- David gave every man and woman in Israel a large bottle of wine. 16:3
- "For his mercy endures forever." 16:34
- David's servants had their buttocks exposed. 19:4
- David puts on a crown weighing 1 talent (34 kg). (He had a very strong neck.)
- "The children of the giant" 20:4
- "A man of great stature ... he also was the son of a giant." 20:6
- "These were born unto the giant in Gath." 20:8
- According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah,
Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE.
(The United States had about 1.37
million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5
- "And God sent an angel unto Jerusalem to destroy it: and as he was destroying, the LORD beheld, and he repented him of the evil,
and said to the angel that destroyed, It is enough, stay now thine hand." 21:15
- "David lifted up his eyes, and saw the angel of the LORD stand between the earth and the heaven, having a drawn sword in his hand stretched out over Jerusalem."
- "Then David and the elders ... fell on their faces." 21:16b
- David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and
silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a
talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver.
- "The sons of Jeduthun; Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah, Hashabiah, and Mattithiah, six." But
only five are listed. 25:3
- King David collects ten thousand drams (or
darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics
were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David.
- As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (5000 talents
of gold, for example, would be about 150,000 kilograms, which would be worth about 4.2 billion US dollars in today's market.)
- "And the fame of David went out into all lands; and the LORD brought the fear of him upon all nations."
(Even the Native Americans, Polynesians, and Chinese emperors feared David!) 14:17
- "Satan ... provoked David to number Israel." 21:1
- "And Solomon the son of David was strengthened in his kingdom, and the LORD
his God was with him, and magnified him exceedingly."
Solomon began his reign with a series of murders; he had 700 wives
and 300 concubines; and he did evil in the sight of the Lord. "And the LORD
his God was with him, and magnified him exceedingly." 1:1
- Everyone in Israel, "a people like the dust of the earth in multitude," gathered at one place to hear Solomon speak.
- God tells Solomon that he likes him so darned much (he likes murderers and polygamists) that
he's going to make him the richest man who has ever lived. 1:11-12
- "The king [Solomon] made silver and gold at Jerusalem as plenteous as stones." 1:15
- Solomon enlists a huge workforce (over 150,000 men) to construct a small chapel. (See
1 Kings 6:2 where the dimensions of the building are given as approximately 90 feet long,
30 feet wide, and 45 feet high.) 2:2
- "All the men of Israel assembled themselves unto the king."
(OK, that might be a bit of an exaggeration.) 5:3
- "The house was filled with a cloud ...
So that the priests could not stand to minister by reason of the cloud:
for the glory of the LORD had filled the house of God." 5:13-14
- "The whole congregation of
Israel: and all the congregation of Israel stood ... And he [Solomon] said...."
Another long, boring speech from Solomon that every man in Israel had to listen to while standing up. 6:3-41
- "Remember the mercies of David." 6:42
- "When Solomon had made an end of praying, the fire came down from
heaven, and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices." 7:1
- Solomon, when dedicating the temple, killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 7:5
- "Now the weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred
and threescore and six talents of gold."
Solomon collected 666 talents of gold in one year. (666 talents!) 9:13
- After Solomon died, his son Rehoboam became king, and everyone in Israel came to talk to him, begging him to
not be the jerk his father was. Rehoboam said that he'd be even nastier. His dad laid heavy burdens upon them and tortured
them with whips; he would torture them with scorpions. If Solomon had a big dick, Rehoboam has an even bigger one.
"My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins." 10:3-11
- Rehoboam prepares for war against Israel, who rebelled against him in the last chapter. But
the word of the LORD comes to a man of God telling him to tell Rehoboam not to fight against Israel. 11:1-4
- "And begat twenty and eight sons, and threescore daughters."
Rehoboam had 88 children (28 sons and 60 daughters) and wins
Quiverfull prize. 11:21c
- "Rehoboam ... dealt wisely ... and desired many wives." 11:22-23
- God sent Shishak, the king of Egypt, to attack Jerusalem because Rehoboam "and all Israel transgressed against the Lord."
Shishak had 1200 chariots, 60,000 horsemen and "people without number" and he attacked Judah and "took the fenced cities which
pertained to Judah." When Shishak's army came to Jerusalem, "the princes of Israel and the king humbled themselves" and said,
"The Lord is righteous." So God decided not to destroy Jerusalem, but just make them Shishak's slaves instead.
- Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.)
- A half million soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17
- In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the Bible, Asa, with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians.
- Everybody loved Asa and wanted to follow him because they could see that God was with him. 15:9
- Executing non-believers brings peace. 15:15
- According to this verse, Baasha fought with Judah
in the 36th year of Asa's reign, yet 1 Kg.16:6-8 says
that Baasha died in the 26th year of Asa's reign. So if both stories are true, Baasha was still fighting 10 years
after his death! 16:1
- "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro." 16:9
- Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves
of those who seek medical help rather than "seeking the Lord.") 16:12
- The trouble with prophets 18:5-34
- God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets and speaks evil about people.
- The spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel (the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel,
the son of Mattanaiah) and told the people of Judah that they didn't have to fight against the Moabites, Ammonites,
and Edomites. God would fight for them. And he did. God fought for them by forcing the members of the opposing army
to kill each other. Then the people of Judah spent three days stripping the jewels and other valuables from the dead bodies.
- Jeroham "caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication." 21:11
- "There came a writing to him from Elijah the prophet."
Jehoram began to reign after Elijah went to heaven (2 Kings 2:11,
8:16), so how could King Jehoram receive a letter from him?
- Jehoram was 32 years old when he began to reign and he reigned for eight years and then died (a 40
years old). After his death, his youngest son Ahaziah began to reign at the age of 42 (22:1-2).
So the son (Ahaziah) was two years older than his father! 21:20,
- "Then Athaliah rent her clothes." 23:13
- "Jehoiada ... was full ... an hundred and thirty years old was he when he died." 24:15
thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon, saying,
Give thy daughter to my son to wife: and there passed by a wild beast that
was in Lebanon, and trode down the thistle." 25:18
- God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21
- "He (Ahaz) ... burnt incense ... under every green tree." 28:4
- Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day and enslaves 200,000 women and children
"because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers." 28:6-8
- "All Israel ... went out to
the cities of Judah, and brake the images in pieces, and cut down the
groves, and threw down the high places and the altars out of all Judah ...
until they had utterly destroyed them all." 31:1
- "Because thine heart was tender, and thou didst humble thyself before God ... and humbledst thyself before me,
and didst rend thy clothes, and weep before me; I have even heard thee also, saith the LORD." 34:27
- An eight year-old king (Jehoiachin) did "evil in the sight of the Lord." 36:9
- "The LORD his God be with him, and let him go up." Now how's that for a strange ending? Actually, the last
two verses from 2 Chronicles are taken from the first few verses of Ezra. It just happens
that whoever decided to tack these verses on (for whatever reason) forgot to finish the sentence!
- God gave "all the kingdoms of the earth" to King Cyrus. (OK, that might be a bit of an exaggeration.) 36:22-23