Absurdity
-All: Genesis - Revelation
-Genesis - Deuteronomy
-Joshua - 2 Chronicles
-Ezra - Isaiah
-Jeremiah - Daniel
-Hosea - Micah
-Nahum - Malachi
-Matthew - John
-Acts - Ephesians
-Colossians - Hebrews
-James - Revelation

About the Absurdities


Dwindling in Unbelief: Absurdity


Absurdity: Jeremiah - Daniel

Jeremiah | Lamentations | Ezekiel | Daniel
    Jeremiah

  1. "The LORD put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth."
    God puts words in Jeremiah's mouth. 1:9

  2. God plays a few silly "What do you see now?" games with Jeremiah. 1:11-13

  3. "Gird up thy loins." 1:17

  4. "I am so great, you are so full of shit, sayeth the Lord." (I'm paraphrasing here.) 2:1-19

  5. God gives Judah "a bill of divorce." 3:8

  6. "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart" or God will burn you to death. 4:4

  7. "My bowels, my bowels!" 4:19

  8. God tries to reform people by tormenting them and then wonders why it doesn't work. 5:3

  9. God says he won't starve all of his chosen people to death. He'll keep a few alive to torment later. 5:18

  10. "The prophets prophesy falsely." 5:31

  11. "Behold, their ear is uncircumcised." 6:10

  12. "They were not at all ashamed, neither could they blush: therefore they shall fall."
    Blush, dammit! Or God will have to kill you. 6:15

  13. "Gird thee with sackcloth, and wallow thyself in ashes." 6:26
  14. God is angered by children who gather wood, fathers who make fires, and women that make bread for the "queen of heaven" (Mary?) and other gods. 7:18

  15. "Put your burnt offerings unto your sacrifices, and eat flesh."
    Eat your own goddamned burnt offerings. I am sick of them, saith the Lord. 7:21

  16. "The LORD hath rejected and forsaken the generation of his wrath." 7:29

  17. Bring out your bones!
    "At that time, saith the LORD, they shall bring out the bones of the kings of Judah, and the bones of his princes, and the bones of the priests, and the bones of the prophets, and the bones of the inhabitants of Jerusalem, out of their graves: And they shall spread them before the sun." 8:1-2

  18. When they had committed abomination? nay, they were not at all ashamed, neither could they blush: therefore shall they fall among them that fall."
    When you commit an abomination, be sure to blush. Otherwise God will trip you and make you fall. 8:12

  19. "I will send serpents,cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you."
    A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 8:17

  20. God will make Jerusalem an uninhabited "den of dragons." 9:11

  21. Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well. 9:26

  22. "For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest ... with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold." ( God hates Christmas trees.) 10:3-4

  23. "Thy name is great in might."
    Shoot! I thought it was Jealous. 10:6

  24. When God gets angry, the earth trembles. (That's what causes earthquakes.) 10:10

  25. Judah will become a desolate den of dragons. 10:22

  26. "O LORD of hosts ... that triest the reins and the heart"
    Jesus will search your kidneys 11:20

  27. God gives Jeremiah some divine instructions about a girdle. He tells him not to wash it, but to hide it in a rock. Jeremiah does as he's told. But, alas, when he goes to retrieve it, it was ruined. Darn! 13:1-7

  28. Apparently, the point of the girdle story (13:1-7) was to say that worshipping other gods "is good for nothing." 13:10

  29. "As the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so have I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah, saith the LORD." 13:11

  30. "The prophets prophesy lies" in God's name. 14:14

  31. God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it! 13:26-27

  32. The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6

  33. God is weary of repenting. (It does get tiring after a while, doesn't it?) 15:6

  34. "I will this once cause them to know, I will cause them to know mine hand and my might; and they shall know that my name is The LORD." 16:21

  35. God tells us not to trust anyone, not even our family or friends, by saying: "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man." 17:5

  36. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked."
    Everyone is a wicked liar. 17:9

  37. "I try the reins."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 17:10

  38. God is a bad potter. Don't complain about it. 18:1-6

  39. God admits that he does evil things to people once in a while. (Nobody's perfect.) 18:11

  40. "The virgin of Israel hath done a very horrible thing." (She fucked another god.) 18:13

  41. God will make the land desolate, "a perpetual hissing," so that "very one that passeth thereby shall be astonished, and wag his head." 18:16

  42. God will scatter the Israelites before their enemy. And then, on "the day of their calamity," he'll show them his backside instead of his face. 18:17

  43. Another pot prophecy: Jeremiah smashes a pot in front of people to show what God's going to do to them. 19:1-13

  44. God will do so much evil to the people that whoever hears of it will have their ears tingle. 19:3

  45. And the plagues of God's wrath will make everyone hiss. 19:7-9

  46. "O LORD, thou hast deceived me, and I was deceived." (God lied to Jeremiah!)20:7

  47. "O LORD of hosts, that ... seest the reins."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 20:12

  48. Jeremiah curses the day he was born. He even curses the man who told his father he was having a son. "Let him be as the cities which the Lord overthrew." (Let him be dead.) Because he didn't abort him when he had the chance. 20:14-17

  49. God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an outstretched hand and with a strong arm." 21:5

  50. God swears to himself. 22:5, 51:14

  51. "All my bones shake; I am like a drunken man, and like a man whom wine hath overcome, because of the LORD, and because of the words of his holiness."
    Jeremiah is drunk on God's holiness. 23:9

  52. "The land is full of adulterers; for because of swearing the land mourneth; the pleasant places of the wilderness are dried up."
    The land dried up because of swearing adulterers. 23:10

  53. God's priest and prophets are profane, wicked, adulterous, lying sodomites. 23:11-14

  54. God damned lying prophets 23:25-40

  55. Two baskets of figs, some naughty and some nice 24:1-3

  56. God will force "all the kingdoms of the world" to drink "and be drunken." Then he'll kill "all the inhabitants of the earth" with a sword. 25:15-29

  57. God is really getting into all of this killing. He roars, he mightily roars, and shouts. He "pleads with all flesh" while an whirlwind roars and a noise can be heard everywhere on earth. 25:30-32

  58. God tells Jeremiah to make a yoke, put it on his neck, and show it off to a long list of kings. The yoke was supposed to demonstrate how God wants them all to serve Nebuchadrezzar, the king of Babylon. Only God could come up with a plan like that. 27:2-12

  59. God enslaved entire nations and forced them to serve Nebuchadnezzar, "his servant". He even gave him all the wild animals and forced them to serve him. 27:6, 28:14

  60. "Then Hananiah the prophet took the yoke from off the prophet Jeremiah's neck, and brake it." 28:10

  61. Then God (if you are foolish enough to believe Jeremiah) steps in and settles the matter. He is going to force every nation on earth to serve Nebuchadnezzar, along with all of the animals. 28:12-14

  62. God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword, the famine, and the pestilence." He "will make them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil." 29:17-18

  63. Jeremiah asks the important question: "Wherefore do I see every man with his hands on his loins." 30:6

  64. God told Jeremiah to bring the Rechabites to the house of the Lord and make them drink wine. So he got them to Lord's house, put pots of wine in front of them, and told them to start drinking. But they refused, since they were the descendants of Jonadab (the guy who showed off his "zeal for the Lord" by helping Jehu murder Ahab's family in Samaria), who told them never to drink wine, plant a garden, or live in a house. 35:1-7

  65. It took thirty men to lift Jeremiah out of the dungeon. (He was a very big man.) 38:10

  66. "There came certain from Shechem, from Shiloh, and from Samaria, even fourscore men, having their beards shaven, and their clothes rent, and having cut themselves, with offerings and incense in their hand, to bring them to the house of the LORD." 41:5
  67. "I repent me of the evil that I have done unto you." (It's about time!) 42:10

  68. God swears by his own "great name" that no one from Judah will know his name anymore in Egypt. 44:26

  69. "O thou sword of the Lord, how long will it be ere thou be quiet?" Good question. Someone needs to take the sword away from the big guy. 47:6

  70. "Every head shall be bald, and every beard clipped: upon all the hands shall be cuttings, and upon the loins sackcloth." 48:37
  71. "Gird you with sackcloth; lament, and run to and fro by the hedges." 49:3
  72. "For I have sworn by myself, saith the LORD." 49:13

  73. "I have heard a rumour from the LORD." 49:14

  74. God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will hiss in astonishment. 49:17

  75. "The city of praise ... The city of my joy!"
    The city of God's joy is not Jerusalem, Mecca, Rome, or Salt Lake City. It is Damascus. 49:25

  76. God will kill the young men of Damascus and set the city on fire. (Some Christians believe this prophecy is being fulfulled today in Syrian civil war.) 49:26-27

  77. Jeremiah predicts that humans will never again live in Hazor, but will be replaced by dragons. But people still live there and dragons have never been seen. 49:33

  78. "Every one that goeth by Babylon shall be astonished, and hiss at all her plagues." 50:13

  79. God, the pyromaniac, will personally set the fires that will burn to death the inhabitants of entire cities. 50:32

  80. "Babylon hath been a golden cup in the LORD's hand, that made all the earth drunken: the nations have drunken of her wine; therefore the nations are mad." 51:7

  81. "Behold, I am against thee, O destroying mountain, saith the LORD, which destroyest all the earth: and I will stretch out mine hand upon thee, and roll thee down from the rocks, and will make thee a burnt mountain." 51:25

  82. "Babylon shall become heaps, a dwellingplace for dragons, an astonishment, and an hissing, without an inhabitant. They shall roar together like lions: they shall yell as lions' whelps." 51:37

  83. "I will make drunk her princes, and her wise men, her captains, and her rulers, and her mighty men: and they shall sleep a perpetual sleep, and not wake, saith the King, whose name is the LORD of hosts."
    God will force the Babylonians to get so drunk that they die from alcohol poisoning. 51:57

  84. Jeremiah gave a copy of the book he had written to Seraiah and told him to read it and then tie a rock to it and throw it in the river. 51:61-63

    Lamentations

  85. "They have cast up dust upon their heads; they have girded themselves with sackcloth: the virgins of Jerusalem hang down their heads to the ground." 2:10
  86. "All that pass by clap their hands at thee; they hiss and wag their head." 2:15
  87. "All thine enemies have opened their mouth against thee: they hiss and gnash the teeth: they say, We have swallowed her up."
  88. 2:16

  89. God shoots people with his bow and his arrows pierce their kidneys ("reins"). 3:13
  90. "He hath also broken my teeth with gravel stones."
  91. 3:16

  92. "Out of the mouth of the Most High proceedeth not good and evil?" Mostly evil, I'd say -- at least if you believe the Bible. 3:38

    Ezekiel

  93. Ezekiel begins by telling us what day it is. It's the 13th year, 4th month, and 5th day. But the 13th year etc. of what exactly? 1:1, 8:1, 20:1, 24:1, 26:1, 29:1, 29:17, 30:20, 31:1, 32:1, 32:17

  94. Ezekiel experiences what some say is the first recorded UFO sighting. 1:4

  95. Ezekiel sees creatures that have four faces (human, lion, ox, and eagle), four wings, and straight feet with calf's soles. Well, maybe he'll feel better in the morning.1:5-10

  96. When Ezekiel saw God's loins ("the glory of the Lord"), which were on fire, he fell on his face. 1:27

  97. "And when I saw it, I fell upon my face." 1:28

  98. After Ezekiel saw God's loins ("the glory of the Lord"), he fell on his face. (1:27-28) Then God tells him to stand up and get ready to tell the Israelites how awful they are. 2:1-7

  99. But first, God wants Ezekiel to eat a scroll. And sure enough, a detached hand shows up from out of nowhere with a scroll for Ezekiel to eat. 2:8-9

  100. God tells Ezekiel to eat a scroll and to "fill his bowels" with it. He does, and finds it to be as sweet as honey. 2:9, 3:1-3

  101. After Ezekiel eats the scroll, God sends him off to preach to the Israelites, though God knows they won't listen to him. 3:4-7

  102. A spirit takes Ezekiel to places where he hears voices, wings, wheels, and whatnot. 3:12-14

  103. "Behold, the glory of the Lord stood there ... and I fell on my face." 3:23

  104. The spirit (of God?) enters Ezekiel, ties him up, and makes his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth so that he could no longer speak. 3:24-26

  105. God tells Ezekiel to make a clay model of Jerusalem, complete with a fort, camp, and battering ram, and an iron pan for a wall around the city. Ezekiel's clay model and iron pan will be a sign to everyone in Israel. 4:1-3

  106. God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days. "And thou shalt not turn thee from one side to another, till thou hast ended the days." 4:4-8

  107. God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the dung that cometh out of man." (Yum!) 4:12

  108. God tells Ezekiel to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second portion about with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind, except for a few strands that Ezekiel is supposed to put in his skirt and then burn later in a fire. 5:1-3

  109. "Thus saith the Lord GOD to the mountains, and to the hills, to the rivers, and to the valleys; Behold, I, even I, will bring a sword upon you." 6:3

  110. God tells Ezekiel to clap his hands and stamp his feet while saying, "they shall fall by the sword, by the famine, and by the pestilence." 6:11

  111. Ezekiel proclaims that the world (which is flat and has four corners) is ending. 7:2, 6

  112. Ezekiel gets to see God's loins again. (See 1:27 for the first time.) 8:2

  113. God sent down a detached hand that grabbed Ezekiel's hair and raised him up between heaven and earth. 8:3

  114. God brings Ezekiel to a hole in the wall and tells him to dig. So Ezekiel digs and finds a door. Ezekiel looks through the door and sees all kinds of abominable bugs and animals, along with some pictures of other gods. 8:7-10

  115. God screams in Ezekiel's ears, telling him to round up the six angels ("men") that are going to do God's dirty work. 9:1-2

  116. "While they were slaying them ... I fell on my face." 9:8

  117. A sapphire stone that looked like a throne appears in the firmament, and a man clothed with linen is told by God to scatter coals over the city. 10:1-2

  118. The glory of the Lord filled a house with a clouldlike brightness and the beating of angel wings sounded just like God's voice. 10:4-5

  119. A human hand appears under the wings of the cherubim, each of which has its own wheel, or a wheel within a wheel, or whatever. 10:8-10

  120. Ezekiel's wheels and angels are covered with eyes; God screams at the wheels, saying, "O wheel"; and every angel has four faces, those of an angel, man, lion, and eagle. 10:12-14

  121. When the show was over, the glory of the Lord, the cherubim (with detached human hands under their wings), and the wheels took off, after hanging out over the house for a while. 10:18-19

  122. A spirit lifts up Ezekiel and transports him to the Lord's house, where he sees 25 men. God tells Ezekiel that he doesn't like these guys because they said things like, "It is not near; let us build houses: this city is the caldron and we be the flesh." 11:1-3

  123. So the spirit of the Lord falls on Ezekiel and tells him to to prophesy against them. 11:4-5

  124. "Then fell I down upon my face." 11:13

  125. After promising to kill the 24 remaining men, the cherubim, wheels, and glory of the Lord left Jerusalem and hovered over a mountain. Then the spirit transported Ezekiel to Chaldea (Babylon). 11:22-24

  126. God tells Ezekiel to move his stuff. He tells him to move it in the daylight; to dig through a wall with his hand and carry his stuff out; and to move his stuff in the twilight, with his face covered so he can't see the ground. So that's what he did. 12:3-7

  127. After Ezekiel moved his stuff, God asked if anyone asked him what he was doing? If they do ask, God told him to say that they will soon be moving their stuff, too, when God forces them into captivity. 12:9-12

  128. God has Ezekiel do another clever demonstration: eat and drink carefully while shaking. That way, when the people see him doing that, they will know that God is going to starve them to death, which will teach them that God is the Lord. 12:18-20

  129. God changes some proverbs. 12:22-28

  130. "Son of man, prophesy against the prophets of Israel that prophesy." 13:2

  131. God gets mad at a wall and destroys it, along with those who worked on it. 13:14-15

  132. "Woe to the woman that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your pillows." (God likes neither woman nor pillows.) 13:18-21

  133. God's riddle/parable 17:2-24

  134. God doesn't like this proverb: "The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge." 18:2-3

  135. "All souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine." 18:4

  136. "Ye say, The way of the LORD is not equal."
    Even the Israelites recognized the injustice of "God's laws" more than 2500 years ago. 18:25, 29

  137. A lamentable lion lament 19:1-9

  138. "Thy mother is like a vine in thy blood ... This is a lamentation, and shall be for a lamentation." 19:10-14

  139. God threatens three times to kill all the Israelites for disobeying him, but after thinking about it a bit, he decided not to. 20:8, 13, 21

  140. "Ah Lord GOD! they say of me, Doth he not speak parables?" (Roughly translated, "Is he fucking crazy?") 20:49

  141. Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49

  142. God will kill everyone that claps his hands or stamps his feet "against the land of Israel." When he's done with the killing everyone will know that he is the Lord. 25:6-7

  143. Nebuchadrezzar, "king of kings" -- so that's who that movie is about! 26:7

  144. "They ... shall cast up dust upon their heads, they shall wallow themselves in the ashes." 27:29-30

  145. "They shall make themselves utterly bald for thee, and gird them with sackcloth." 27:31
  146. Watch out or God will make you "die the deaths of the uncircumcised," which is, no doubt, a most unpleasant death. 28:10

  147. "The day of the LORD is near ... it shall be the time of the heathen." 30:3

  148. "And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire in Egypt." (The Divine Pyromaniac) 30:8, 30:14, 30:16

  149. When God is getting ready to kill people with the sword, it's the watchman's duty to warn them about it by blowing a trumpet. If the people hear the trumpet but don't "take warning," then God will kill the people but not the watchman. But if the watchman doesn't blow the trumpet when he sees God coming, then God will kill the people and the watchman. 33:2-6

  150. God tells Ezekiel that he is the watchman. So the usual watchman rules apply to him. 33:7-9

  151. At God's request, Ezekiel prophesies to the mountains. 36:1-14

  152. Ezekiel brings dry bones to life to make "an exceeding great army." 37:7-10

  153. "Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, O my people, I will open your graves, and cause you to come up out of your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel." 37:12

  154. God shows Ezekiel how to join two sticks together. 37:15-17

  155. "And David my servant shall be king over them."
    How's that supposed to happen? David had been dead (if he ever lived) for more than 400 years when these words were written. 37:24

  156. Gog and Magaog 38:2-20

  157. God will get so angry that his fury will come up in his face so that even the fish, birds, beasts, and bugs will shake when they see him. God will throw a tantrum, toppling every wall and mountain. 38:18-20

  158. "Son of man, prophesy against Gog, and say, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I am against thee, O Gog." 39:1

  159. The Israelites spend seven yearts burning Gog's weapons. 39:9

  160. After spending seven years burning the weapons of Gog's soldiers, the Israelites spend another seven years burying the dead bodies. 39:11-12

  161. The hand of the Lord takes Ezekiel on a trip to Israel and sets him on a mountain top, where a brass man measures a building with a rod. (I'd skip this chapter unless you are interested in the dimensions of the brass man's imaginary building.) 40:1-49

  162. The brass man provides more exciting measurements of Ezekiel's imaginary temple. (I'd skip it, if I were you.) 41:1-22

  163. The brass man takes even more measurements of Ezekiel's imaginary buildings. 42:2-20

  164. We get to take a little break from building dimensions to learn about God. His glory can fill a house and cause people to fall on their faces, his voice sounds like "many waters," and the soles of his feet will dwell with Israel forever. 43:2-7

  165. "I fell upon my face." 43:3

  166. But the dimension break is over. God himself (in all this glory) takes over the measurements from the bronze man, telling us all about the fashion, form, law, and the dimensions of the house. 43:10-17

  167. The gate is shut because God entered by it. The only other person that can use the gate is the prince who eats bread in front of God. 44:2-3

  168. "Behold, the glory of the LORD filled the house of the LORD: and I fell upon my face." 44:4

  169. Don't bring any strangers or people with uncircumcised hearts or flesh to God's sanctuary when your offering him fat and blood. 44:7-9

  170. Priests must wear linen when they are in the sanctuary. No wool is permitted. And whatever they wear, it must not cause them to sweat. God hates sweat! 44:17-18

  171. More of God's holy dimensions 45:1-6

  172. God hates the metric system. 45:11-14

  173. The prince (whoever he is) is the only other person that can enter through God's gate. (See 44:2.) 46:2

  174. "When the people of the land shall come before the LORD in the solemn feasts, he that entereth in by the way of the north gate to worship shall go out by the way of the south gate; and he that entereth by the way of the south gate shall go forth by the way of the north gate." 46:9

  175. Water starts to flow from under the door of the house. At first it was just a trickle, but soon it got up to the ankles, knees, and finally the loins. The bronze man measured it to be a thousand cubits and it became too deep for wading anymore. The water that got to the ocean would be healed, but not the marshes, "they will be given to salt." 47:1-11

  176. In the exciting conclusion of the book of Ezekiel, we learn who is going to get what and what the city is going to be named. I'm not going to spoil it for you, though. You have to read it yourself. 48:8-35

    Daniel

  177. "God had brought Daniel into favour and tender love with the prince of the eunuchs." 1:9

  178. Melzar was worried that he'd get in trouble with the king if Daniel and his companions ate only pulse and water. So Daniel proposed a test: try it and see how they looked compared to the meat eaters. After only ten days, the vegans were way "fairer and fatter." 1:11-16

  179. The king found Daniel and his companions to be ten times wiser than "all the magicians and astrologers in the realm." 1:20

  180. Nebuchadnezzar has a disturbing dream. He commands his astrologers and magicians to interpret it for him, but none of them could do it. So he threatens to cut them to pieces. Then Daniel shows up and interprets the dream. 2:1-26

  181. Nebuchadnezzar's dream
    He saw a gold headed image with silver chest and arms, brass belly and thighs, iron legs with feet part iron and part clay. A stone smashed the image, scattering the gold, silver, brass, and iron in the wind. The stone became a great mountain that filled the whole earth. 2:28-35

  182. Daniel's interpretation
    The image's gold head is Nebuchadnezzar. He will be replaced by another kingdom (silver chest and arms), which will be replaced by a third kingdom (brass belly and thighs), and a fourth kingdom (iron legs). This last kingdom with be both strong and weak (feet of iron and clay). Then God will raise up one final kingdom, which will destroy the other kingdoms and last forever. 2:36-44

  183. "Thou, O king, art a king of kings: for the God of heaven hath given thee a kingdom, power, and strength, and glory."
    (I didn't know that Nebuchadnezzar was the "king of kings." I always that that was Jesus!) 2:37

  184. King Nebuchadnezzar was so impressed by Daniel's interpretation that he fell on his face and worships him. He commands everyone else to worship him, too, and makes Daniel the most powerful person in the empire. 2:46-48

  185. "Your God is a God of gods, and a Lord of kings."
    Nebuchadnezzar became a Jew (a believer in Daniel's God) the moment he heard Daniel's interpretation of his dream. 2:47

  186. Nebuchadnezzar built a statue of gold sixty cubits high and six cubits wide. Taking a cubit to be 18 inches and assuming the depth to also be six cubits, this would give a total volume of 270 cubic yards -- which would have probably been more than all of the gold in all of the kingdoms of the world at that time. 3:1

  187. Nebuchadnezzar invited all the officials in his kingdom to come to the dedication of the gold statue. Whoever refuses to worship the statue will be thrown into a fiery furnace. So they all came and worshiped the golden image. 3:2-7

  188. But some noticed that Daniel's friends (Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) didn't worship the gold statue. So they told Nebuchadnezzar about it, who commanded that they be thrown into a fiery furnace that was seven times as hot as usual. The furnace was so hot ("exceeding hot") that it burned to death the soldiers who threw in Daniel's friends. 3:8-23

  189. "Nebuchadnezzar ... commanded that they should heat the furnace one seven times more than it was wont to be heated." 3:19

  190. Daniel's three friends were cast into a fiery furnace, but were totally unaffected -- not even a hair was singed. And they were joined by the Son of God (Jesus?), himself! At least that's who Nebuchadnezzar thought it looked like. 3:24-27

  191. Nebuchadnezzar converts again to Judaism (see 2:47 for his first conversion) and decrees that anyone who says anything against the Hebrew god "shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill." 3:28-30

  192. This part of the Bible was written by Nebuchadnezzar. 4:1-18

  193. Nebuchadnezzar expresses his new-found, born-again, Judeo-Christian faith. 4:2-3

  194. Nebuchadnezzar's second dream
    Nebuchadnezzar dreams about a tree that was so tall that it could be seen "from the end of the earth." (Only on a flat earth would this be possible.) A "holy watcher" came down from heaven and began screaming, saying that someone should chop down the tree. But he said the stump should be left and a band of iron and brass put around it. Then have the banded stump hang out with the beasts and the grass, change the stump's heart from a man's heart to a beast's heart, and "let seven times pass over him." 4:10-16

  195. Daniel's interpretation
    The tree in Nebuchadnezzar's dream is Nebuchadnezzar himself, who will soon be eating grass and living with animals until seven times passes over him. 4:25

  196. And it all happened just like Daniel said it would. Nebuchadnezzar lived with the animals and ate grass like an ox. His hair was like eagles' feathers and his nails like birds' claws. 4:28-33

  197. While Nebuchadnezzar is busy eating grass, a "voice from heaven" falls from the sky repeating the same shit that Daniel said. 4:31-32

  198. After going through a rather bizarre ordeal, inflicted upon him by God, Nebuchadnezzar heaps praise upon God -- in whose eyes "all the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing." 4:34-37

  199. Belshazzar was partying with his princes, wives, and concubines when a detached hand starts writing on the wall. When the king sees it "the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against the other." 5:5-6

  200. Belshazzar asked his wise men to read and interpret the writing, but none of them could. So his wife tells him to ask Daniel to do it. And Daniel does, after insulting Belshazzar and his "father" Nebuchadnezzar. It's a message from God (he's the one who sent the hand down), saying that God hates Belshazzar and will soon take his kingdom away from him and give it to the Medes and Persians. 5:8-28

  201. After Daniel gave Belshazzar the bad news, Belshazzar rewarded him by making him the "third ruler in the kindgdom." Later that night Belshazzar died. (Did God kill him?) 5:29-30

  202. The king preferred Daniel above everyone else in his kingdom because Daniel was such a perfect (and modest) guy. The other administrators tried to find something wrong with him, but they couldn't. So they came up with another plan: attack his religion. Have the king sign a decree saying that anyone who asked any god or man (other than the king) for anything in the next thirty days will be fed to the lions. 6:3-9

  203. When Daniel heard about the new decree, he immediately broke it by going to his room to pray. The conspirators caught him in the act and told the king, who cast Daniel into the lion den saying, "Don't worry. God will deliver you." 6:10-16

  204. The next morning the king went to see how Daniel and the lions were doing. Daniel told him that God sent an angel to shut the lions' mouths. God saved him because he was such a perfect (and modest) guy and he believed in God. (Nothing bad ever happens to good, religious people.) 6:23

  205. Daniel's dream: "Daniel had a dream and visions of his head upon his bed." 7:1-28

  206. "I Daniel was grieved in my spirit in the midst of my body, and the visions of my head troubled me." 7:15

  207. "Hitherto is the end of the matter. As for me Daniel, my cogitations much troubled me." 7:28

  208. Daniel's vision; "A vision appeared to me, even unto me Daniel." 8:1-27

  209. "I, even I Daniel, had seen the vision, and sought for the meaning." 8:15

  210. "I was afraid, and fell upon my face." 8:17

  211. "As he was speaking with me, I was in a deep sleep on my face toward the ground." 8:18

  212. "I was astonished at the vision, but none understood it." (If Daniel couldn't understand his visions, then how could anyone else?) This is the one true prophecy in the book of Daniel: "none understood it." 8:27

  213. "I set my face unto the Lord God ... with ... sackcloth, and ashes." 9:3
  214. A man named Gabriel flies by and touches Daniel. After landing, he talks complete gibberish to Daniel about seventy weeks, sixty-two weeks, destroyed cities, floods, and abominations.. 9:21-27

  215. "A thing was revealed unto Daniel ... and the thing was true." 10:1

  216. "I ate no pleasant bread, neither came flesh nor wine in my mouth, neither did I anoint myself at all, till three whole weeks were fulfilled."
    What happened to Daniel the vegetarian of chapter 1? 10:3

  217. Daniel is visited by a man whose loins were girded with gold, face that looked like lightning, eyes of fire, arms and feet made of brass. Jesus! 10:5-6

  218. "I Daniel alone saw the vision: for the men that were with me saw not the vision; but a great quaking fell upon them, so that they fled to hide themselves." 10:7

  219. "I was left alone, and saw this great vision ... my comeliness was turned in me into corruption." 10:8

  220. "Yet heard I the voice of his words: and when I heard the voice of his words, then was I in a deep sleep on my face, and my face toward the ground." 10:9

  221. "An hand touched me, which set me upon my knees and upon the palms of my hands." 10:10

  222. "And when he had spoken such words unto me, I set my face toward the ground, and I became dumb." 10:15

  223. "Behold, one like the similitude of the sons of men touched my lips." 10:16

  224. "Then there came again and touched me one like the appearance of a man." 10:18

  225. "I will shew thee that which is noted in the scripture of truth: and there is none that holdeth with me in these things, but Michael your prince." 10:21

  226. "But thou, O Daniel,shut up the words, and seal the book, even to the time of the end." 12:4

  227. "Then I Daniel looked, and, behold, there stood other two ... And one said to the man clothed in linen ... How long shall it be to the end of these wonders?" 12:5-6

  228. "It shall be for a time, times, and an half; and when he shall have accomplished to scatter the power of the holy people, all these things shall be finished." 12:7

  229. "I heard, but I understood not: then said I, O my Lord, what shall be the end of these things?" 12:8

  230. "He said, Go thy way, Daniel: for the words are closed up and sealed till the time of the end." 12:9

  231. Many shall be purified, and made white."
    So is everyone in heaven white? 12:10

  232. "From the time that the daily sacrifice shall be taken away, and the abomination that maketh desolate set up, there shall be a thousand two hundred and ninety days." 12:11

  233. "Blessed is he that waiteth, and cometh to the thousand three hundred and five and thirty days." 12:12

  234. "But go thou thy way till the end be: for thou shalt rest, and stand in thy lot at the end of the days." 12:13



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With killings from the Apocrypha