-All: Genesis - Revelation
-Genesis - Deuteronomy
-Joshua - 2 Chronicles
-Ezra - Isaiah
-Jeremiah - Daniel
-Hosea - Micah
-Nahum - Malachi
-Matthew - John
-Acts - Ephesians
-Colossians - Hebrews
-James - Revelation
About the Absurdities
Absurdity: Hosea - Micah
- God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and
children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great
whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3
- "I will destroy ... her fig trees." (God hates figs.) 2:12
- "She decked herself with her earrings and her jewels, and she went after her lovers, and forgat me, saith the LORD." 2:13
- "Thou shalt call me Ishi."
God wants people to call him "Ishi" (which means "husband"). 2:16
- In that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the
field and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground."
Someday God will make a covenant with the beasts, fowls, and creeping things. 2:18
- WooHoo! God's getting married. He's even going to get to know his wife. 2:18-19
- On his wedding day, God (Ishi) will hear the heavens and the heavens will hear the earth. And the earth will
hear the corn, and the wine, and the oil. And Ishi will sow his wife on the earth.
(Or something like that.)2:21-23
- "Fear the Lord and his goodness in the latter days."
Why would anyone fear goodness? 3:5
- Because of the Israelites' disobedience, the land mourns, and all the animals are dying. 4:3
- "They have made princes, and I knew it not." 8:4
- "The prophet is a fool, the spiritual man is mad." 9:7
- "The LORD ... shall roar like a lion: when he shall roar, then the children shall tremble from the west". 11:10
- God will rip humans apart and then eat them like a lion. 13:7-8
- "Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of wine, because of the new wine; for it is cut off from your mouth."
- "He hath ... barked my fig tree." God hates figs. 1:7
- "Lament like a virgin girded with sackcloth for the husband of her youth." 1:8
- "Gird yourselves, and lament, ye priests: howl, ye ministers of the altar: come, lie all night in sackcloth." 1:13
- The animals are perplexed and cry out to God after he torments
them by burning their food and drying up the rivers. 1:18-20
- "The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." 1:15,
- "A day of darkness and of gloominess, a day of clouds and of thick darkness"
"The day of the Lord" will be dark and gloomy -- like a northern Idaho spring day. 2:2
- There will be earthquakes, the sun and the moon will be dark, and the stars will no longer shine.
- "Therefore also now, saith the LORD ... rend your hearts, and not your garments." 2:12-13
- God says he will repay Israel for the damage the locusts caused -- which he sent!
And they will "praise the name of the Lord." 2:25-26
- "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood." These "signs" were a lot more impressive before
the causes of solar and lunar eclipses were understood. 2:31
- The Lord will roar and the heavens and earth will shake. 3:16
- God says there are three or four reasons for him to punish various people, he just can't remember which it is.
1:3, 6, 9, 11, 13, 2:1, 4, 6
- The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael, Gaza, Tyrus, Teman,
Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10, 12, 14, 2:2, 5
- God says there are three or four reasons for him to punish Moab. But he only
mentions one: "because he burned the bones of the king of Edom." So God burned Moab because
they burned some bones. 2:12
- God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall
as cedars and as strong as oaks. 2:9
- On the day of God's wrath, brave men "shall flee away naked." 2:16
- God's creative ways of kiilling people and breaking things. 3:12-15
- God afflicted the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine,) drought, blasting, and mildew. He killed them with pestilence,
slaughtered them with the sword, and "made the stink of their camps come up into their noses." Destroyed them like they were from Sodom
and Gomorrah. And yet they still didn't return to him. What is wrong with people? 4:6-11
- Many Christians look forward to the "day of the Lord," but according to
these verses, they shouldn't. 5:18-20
- God hates your feast days, won't smell your assmeblies, or hear your songs. 5:21-23
- Woe is everyone. 6:1-6
- Woe to them ... that chant to the sound of the viol, and invent to themselves instruments of musick. 6:5
- "Woe to them ... that drink wine in bowls." 6:6
- "The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself ... I abhor the excellency of Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city."
God swears to himself that he hates Jacob's palaces, so he will deliver up the city (and kill everyone in it). 6:8
- "Hold thy tongue: for we may not make mention of the name of the LORD."
(If God hears you, he'll probably kill you, too.) 6:10
- Amos' first vision: God makes grass-eating grasshoppers, then repents. 7:1-3
- Amos' second vision: God burned up the earth and sea, then repents. 7:4-6
- God stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks to Amos. 7:7-8
- God shows Amos a basket of summer fruit and tells him that the end has come. 8:1-2
- God swears "by the excellency of Jacob." 8:7
- "Shall not the land tremble for this?"
(Earthquakes are a punishment from God.) 8:8
- "I will cause the sun to go down at noon, and I will darken the earth in the clear day." 8:9
- "I will bring up sackcloth upon all loins, and baldness upon every head." 8:10
- Someday people will actually want to read the Bible. 8:11-12
- Amos sees God standing on the altar. 9:1
- God will "cut them in the head" and "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten,
at God's command, by a sea-serpent. God will set his "eyes upon them for evil, not for good." 9:1-4
- "We have heard a rumour from the LORD." 1
- "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen." If so, then it must have
come and past, unnoticed, long before the birth of Christ. 15
- Jonah fled "from the presence of the Lord." (There are some places where God can't find you.)
- The sailors cast lots to see who was causing the storm. And it worked, too (casting lots always does),
since the lot fell on Jonah. 1:7
- Jonah believes that by throwing himself into the sea, the storm will die down.
And it worked! 1:12-15
- God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in the
fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17
- Jonah says a little prayer from the fish's belly. 2:1
- God talks to the fish, and it vomits out Jonah upon dry land. 2:10
- "Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days'
journey." That would make it about 60 miles in diameter -- larger than Los Angeles!
- Everyone in Nineveh (pop. 120,000) turned to God? Jonah must be one hell of a preacher!
- Even the animals converted when they heard Jonah preach! 3:8
- Jonah was angry when his preaching converted a city. 4:1
- God prepared a gourd to shade Jonah's head, a worm to destroy the gourd,
and then a drying wind and baking sun that made Jonah wish he was dead. 4:6-8
- God asks Jonah why he is angry about the gourd. What about the 120,000 people that God planned to kill
(along with their animals)? Shouldn't he be angry about that, too? 4:9-11
- "The LORD ... will come down, and tread upon the high places of the earth." 1:3
- "The mountains shall be molten under him, and the valleys shall be cleft ... and I will pour down the stones thereof into the valley."
(Earthquakes and volcanic eruptions are caused by God's anger.) 1:4-6
- "I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons."
- "Roll thyself in the dust ... having thy shame naked." 1:10-11
- Micah says "woe" to those that devise evil , but only two verses later,
he devises evil against "this family." Woe is God. 2:1, 3
- Watch out for lying prophets that bite (with their teeth). 3:5
- "The prophets thereof divine for money." Some things never change. 3:11
- In the last days God will put "the mountain of the house of the Lord" on "top of the mountains." 4:1
- "Woe is me! ... there is no cluster to eat: my soul desired the firstripe fruit." 7:1
- There is none upright among men: they all lie in wait for blood; they hunt every man his brother with a net." 7:2
- "Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors
of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom."
Advice like this is only found in the Bible. 7:5