-All: Genesis - Revelation
-Genesis - Deuteronomy
-Joshua - 2 Chronicles
-Ezra - Isaiah
-Jeremiah - Daniel
-Hosea - Micah
-Nahum - Malachi
-Matthew - John
-Acts - Ephesians
-Colossians - Hebrews
-James - Revelation
About the Absurdities
Absurdity: Genesis - Deuteronomy
- God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day.
Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day
(1:14-19). And how could there be "the evening and the morning" on the
first day if there was no sun to mark them? 1:3-5
- God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day)
working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is
intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8
- Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic
processes (1:14-19). 1:11
- In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used
"for signs". This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what
will happen on Earth. 1:14
- "He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and
separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an
afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16
- "And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the
- God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have
dominion over ... every living thing that moveth upon the earth." 1:28
- "I have given you every herb ... and every tree ... for meat."
Since many plants have evolved poisons to protect against animals that would like to eat them, God's advice is more than a little reckless.
Would you tell your children to go out in the garden and eat whatever plants they encounter? Of course not. But then, you are much nicer
and smarter than God. 1:29
- "He rested."
Even God gets tired sometimes. 2:2
- "The tree of life ... and the tree of knowledge of good and evil."
God created two magic trees: the tree of life and the tree of knowledge. Eat from the first, and you live forever
(3:22); eat from the second and you'll die the same day (2:17). (Or that's what God said, anyway.
Adam ate from the tree of knowledge and lived for another 930 years or so (5:5). But he never got a chance to eat from
the tree of life. God prevented him from eating from the tree of life before Adam could eat from the tree, become a god, and live forever.)
- God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his
fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for
the sheep.) After making the animals, God has
Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a
- God's clever, talking serpent. 3:1
- God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a little hide and seek with
Adam and Eve. 3:8-11
- God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust.
One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't
eat dust, do they? 3:14
- God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles
to grow. 3:17-18
- God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and Eve.
- "Behold, the man is become as one of us."
God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life.
God knows that if they do that, they well become "like one of us" and live forever. 3:22-24
- Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall slay me." This
is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14
- "And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16
- "And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell
did she come from? 4:17
- Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be punished
sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24
- "And to Seth ... was born a son." Where'd he find his wife? 4:26
- God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam." So the woman's
name was Adam, too! 5:2
- Adam finally dies -- 930 years after eating from the tree of knowledge, contrary to God's
false prophecy that Adam would die the day that he ate the forbidden fruit (2:17). 5:5
- Seth lived 912 years. 5:8
- Enos lived 905 years. 5:11
- Cainan lived 910 years. 5:14
- Mahalaleel lived 895 years. 5:17
- Jared lived 962 years. 5:20
- Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven. 5:21-24
- Enoch lived 365 years before he was taken (alive?) by God.
- When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at
the time of Lamech's birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25
- Methuselah lived 969 years. (World record holder.) 5:27
- Lamech lived 777 years. 5:31
- When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons.
[Three sons in one year? Was that with one (nameless) wife or
- "The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men."
The "sons of God" had sex with the "daughters of
men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of
- "The LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh."
God shortened the human lifespan to 120 years because humans are "flesh" and he was tired of fighting with them. 6:3
- "There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4
- God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil.
Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human
imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5
- God repents. 6:6-7
- "Noah was a just man and perfect."
Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but
he didn't seem so perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21). 6:9,
- "Behold, I will destroy them with the earth."
God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed every living thing to make the
world less violent. 6:11-13
- God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in the 450
foot ark for ventilation. 6:14-16
- "And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten ... for thee, and for them." 6:21
- "Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens."
How did Noah know which animals were "clean" and "unclean" to God? (It wasn't defined until Leviticus was written.) 7:2
- Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each
species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8
- God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains. 7:11
- All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14
- "And God remembered Noah."
Yeah. He probably said something like, "Isn't Noah the guy who built the ark?" 8:1
- "The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." This
happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2
- Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without
finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf.
But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they
certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11
- "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor."
Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8
this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken
onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor." After this God "said in his heart" that he'd
never do it again because "man's heart is evil from his youth." So God killed all living things
(6:5) because humans are evil, and then promises not to do it again
(8:21) because humans are
evil. The mind of God is a frightening thing. 8:20-21
- According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also
true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much
less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2
- "Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever
they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to
animals and environmental destruction. 9:2
- "I do set my bow in the cloud."
God is rightly filled with remorse for having
killed his creatures. He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown
them all again. He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he sees it,
it will remind him of his promise so that he won't be tempted to do it again.
(Every time God sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh, yeah.... That's right.
I promised not to drown the animals again. I guess I'll have to find something
else to do.").
But rainbows are caused by the nature of light, the refractive index of water, and the shape of raindrops. There were rainbows
billions of years before humans existed. 9:13
- The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies
around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah
sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at
him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A
servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." This is a typical case of biblical
justice, and is one of many Bible passages that have been used to justify slavery. 9:20-25
- "All the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years." 9:29
- The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring genealogies
(see Genesis 11:10-32, 1 Chronicles 1-9,
Matthew 1:1-17, Luke.3:23-28 for
other examples) that we are told to avoid in 1 Timothy 1:4
and Titus 3:9
("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 10:1-32
- "Now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do."
God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by
so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6
- God says, "Let us go down ..." Maybe he hasn't been talking to himself; maybe
there is more than one of them up there. Well, however many there may be,
they all decide to come down to confuse the builders by confounding human language and
scattering them [humans] abroad. 11:7
- Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in
1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and
genealogies.") Also note the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32
- Shem lived 600 years. 11:12-13
- Salah lived 433 years. 11:14-15
- Eber lived 464 years. 11:16-17
- Peleg lived 239 years. 11:18-19
- Reu lived 239 years. 11:20-21
- Serug lived 229 years. 11:22-23
- Nahor lived 148 years. 11:24-25
- And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years. 11:32
- "I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee."
God will bless you if you bless Abraham and curse you if you curse Abraham. Fuck Abraham. 12:3
- The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they descended) was born.
Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Genesis 36:12). 14:7
- "They speedily took down every man his sack to the ground, and opened every man his sack ...
and the cup was found in Benjamin's sack. Then they rent their clothes." 14:12-13
- The Jews were God's chosen people. So why did God have them enslaved for 400 years? 15:13
- When it was dark, there appeared from out of nowhere a burning lamp between the pieces of dead animals. 15:17
- "And Abram fell on his face." 17:3
- Abraham laughs at God for telling him that he and Sarah will have a child, when they are 100 and 90 years old, respectively.
- Abraham was 99 years old when he circumcised himself, along with his 13 year old son,
Ishmael, and his 318 slaves -- all in one very busy (and painful) day.
- Abraham feeds God and three angels. 18:1-4
- "He took butter, and milk, and the calf ... and they did eat."
Not a very kosher meal for God and Abraham to eat! (See Exodus 23:19) 18:8
- Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God
when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her
"Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and
impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14
- God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop
him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham.
- "I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19.
Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would
God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32
- "And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33
- The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites.
- Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters"
instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your
eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in
2 Peter 2:7-8. 19:8
- Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and
righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14
- Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God
turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26
- Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just
and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and
bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story.
- Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason.
And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years
old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.)
- "The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah
conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2
- After the water ran out, Hagar left Ishmael alone to die. But God heard the infant crying, so he had an angel cry to
Hagar from heaven, telling her not to worry. God heard the child's cry and opened Hagar's eyes so she could see a well,
filled with water. God said he'd make Ishmael a great nation, and the child became an archer. 21:14-20
- God swears to himself. 22:16
- "Abraham reproved Abimelech because of a well of water, which Abimelech's servants had violently taken away."
As David Tuchman asks in the 8th episode of OMGWTFBible, how do you steal a well?
- Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after Jehovah. But according to
Exodus 6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that God's name was Jehovah.
- "Sarah was an hundred and seven and twenty years old ... And Sarah died."
Sarah was lived longer than any other woman in the Bible: 127 years. 23:2
- Abraham makes his servant put his hand under his thigh while swearing to God.
Weird. Of course "putting his hand under his thigh" is just a polite euphemism for "holding his
testicles in his hand." Come to think of it, maybe it isn't so weird at all -- coming as it does
from a god that is completely obsessed with male genitalia. (See
Exodus 4:25, Leviticus 15:16-18,
32, and Deuteronomy 23:1) for
just a few examples.) I guess it's sort of like swearing on the bible.
- Abraham's nameless slave goes to Mesopotamia to fetch a non-Canaanite wife for the only son that Abraham cared about--Isaac.
When he gets there, he asks God to send a woman to be Isaac's wife. The slave tells God the secret code words to use.
("May I have a drink of water?" To which she will say, "Sure, you and your camels can have a drink.")
Immediately, a nice-looking virgin (Rebekah) shows up and utters the magic words. 24:10-19
- Rebekah's brother and father agreed to give her to the slave's master's son since it was obviously a marriage made in heaven.
- Rebekah's male owners (father and brothers) "blessed" her by wishing her to have "thousands of millions" of babies and have
"seed" that will take away the lands of those that hate them. 24:60
- Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old
Romans 4:19, Hebrews 11:12).
But here, when he is even older, he manages to have six more children
without any help from God. 25:2
- Abraham lived to be 175 years old. 25:7
- Ishmael lived 137 years. 25:17
- "She was barren."
In the Bible it's always the women that are "barren", never the men. And when God "opens their womb," the resulting babies are always little
- Esau and Jacob were already fighting each other in the womb. 25:22
- Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for a bit of bread and a bowl of lentil soup. 25:33-34
- Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father twice used so effectively. (Once on the same King Abimelech)
(see 12:13, 20:2). 26:7
- Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before
meeting Rachel. Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he
names Bethel again. (And it was called Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and
- Jacob says that if God will be with him, feed him and clothe him, and help him to return home in peace,
then Jacob will be his God. (If you give me what I want, I'll worship you.) 28:21
- Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so
that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her
[Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was
going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too.
- "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These
arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:4
- Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare
Jacob a son." 30:9
- Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob came
home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's
mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is
teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
- And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she conceived
and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22
- Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience"
means "by divination", at least that is how
most other versions translate this verse.
- Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while
looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39
- God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in 30:37-39.
- "Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him. And when Jacob saw them, he said, This is God's host." 32:1-2
- Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel to signify
that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." 32:24-30
- Unable to beat Jacob in a fair fight, God dislocates Jacob's leg. 32:25
- God begs Jacobs to let him go, but Jacob says, "Not unless you bless me." So God blessed Jacob and Jacob let God go.
- "What is thy name?" (God didn't know Jacob's name.) 32:27
- God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway.
And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28
- "Tell me, I pray thee, thy name."
God refuses to tell Jacob his name. (It's a secret.) 32:29
- "Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew ...."
Jews don't eat the sinew of something or other because God messed with Jacob's leg while wrestling with him. (Now that's a good reason!)
- "I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God."
Since Jacob just saw the face of God a few verses ago (Genesis 32:30), he ought to know what God looks like.
So now we do too. God looks just like Esau! Which is kind of strange, since God hates Esau. So all those
pictures of God that you've seen? They had it all wrong. God is a redhead, just like Esau was. In fact, God is covered with
red hair all over his body. 33:10
- God renames Jacob a second time. 35:10
- Jacob names Bethel again. The first time 28:19 the name didn't stick.
- Isaac lives to be 180. 35:28
- Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in
1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9 ("Avoid foolish
questions and genealogies.") 36:1-43
- Amalek was born many years after his descendants were "smitten." (14:7)
Jacob sent his favorite son (Joseph) to check up on his brothers who were tending flocks in
was about fifty miles north of Hebron.
When he got there, he found out that his brothers weren't there, but were another thirteen miles away in
Dothan. The trip
must have taken poor Joseph a week or so. 37:12-17
- "He rent his clothes." 37:29
- "And Jacob rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his loins." 37:34
- Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a
prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee ....
And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins
(38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of
Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18
- Tamar bore twins after she was impregnated by her father-in-law (Judah), one of which was Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus.
(Matthew 1:3, Luke 3:33) 38:27-29
- Pharaoh's first dream.
There were these seven fat, good-looking cows that came out of the Nile, followed by seven skinny, ugly cows.
The skinny cows ate the fat ones. 41:1-4
- Pharaoh's second dream. This time seven skinny heads of grain at seven fat ones. 41:5-7
- None of the Pharaoh's magicians or wise men could interpret his dreams, so they called Joseph. Joseph said it was simple.
God was going to send seven good years followed by seven years of famine.
And the famine would be world-wide and "very grievous." 41:8-32
- There was a seven year, God-created famine over the entire earth. 41:56
- "All countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn."
The Aztecs, the Chinese, and the Indigenous Australians all came to Joseph to buy grain. 41:57
- "And Joseph knew his brethren, but they knew not him."
Stupid stories like this can only be found in the Bible (and the Quran). 42:8
- Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5-15
- Jacob lives to be 147. 47:28
- "He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus?
(I didn't know Jesus had a drinking problem.) 49:11-12
- The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7,
- The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the birth of Sargon, an
Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE.
(BBC: The tale of the
- God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17
- God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First, throw your rod on the
ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next,
make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the
ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9
- God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for
Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son,
and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him
go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins.
- Moses and Aaron ask the Pharaoh to let all the Israelites go into the desert to pray for three days, or else God
will kill them all "with pestilence, or with the sword." 5:3
- God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet in Genesis 22:14 Abraham names the
place where he nearly kills Isaac after God's name, Jehovah. 6:3
- Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long
list of biblical characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years, respectively).
6:16, 18, 20
- In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses says,
"Behold I am of uncircumcised lips." 6:12, 6:30
- God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle just throw your rod down and it will become a serpent.
So when the time comes, Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian magicians duplicate this trick.
Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs. (Whew!) 7:9-13
- After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the
famous 10 plagues of Egypt. Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and they do so with their enchantments. Shucks!
Just how the river could be turned to blood by the Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is not
- The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were all over the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian
magicians did this trick too. (Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the last performance before doing it again?) After the
frog making contest was declared a draw, all the frogs died and "they gathered them together upon heaps; and the land stank." I
bet. But at least it was all for the greater glory of God. 8:2-7
- Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were
convinced that Moses and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and they gave up trying to match the remaining
seven plagues. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs. 8:17-19
- The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and lice theme. 8:21
- The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die.
little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God
kills them again a couple more times. 9:6
- The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast.9:9-12
- Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better. 9:14
- God gave power to the Pharaoh so that he could show off his own power by killing him. 9:15-16
- The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and
- God killed Egyptians and their livestock by smashing them with huge hailstones mixed with fire. 9:24
- God wants to be remembered forever for the mass murder of little children. 10:2
- Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the face of the whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?)
- Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the
darkness knew how to avoid the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had light
in their dwellings." 10:21-23
- God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian
children, he'll remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I
remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7, 13
- Wear the commandments on your hand and between your eyes. 13:9,
- "And the pillar of the cloud went from before their face,
and stood behind them." 14:19
- "It was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these."
God's special cloud was a cloud of darkness to the Egyptians, but a cloud of light to the Hebrews. 14:20
- God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21
- The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses." But according to 9:3-6 there wouldn't
have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain." 14:23
- "The Lord ... took off their chariot wheels."
God (the devious mechanic) personally removed the wheels from the Egyptian chariots. 14:25
- God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils." 15:8
- Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste sweet. 15:25
- God appears to the Israelites and speaks from a cloud promising to send lots of food (quails and mana) from the sky.
- It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time,
would have taken no more than a few weeks. 16:35
- God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water comes out of it for the people
to drink. God's such a clever guy! 17:6
- As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls,
they start getting beat. So when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get slaughtered.
- "The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." So God
is still fighting Amalek. I hope Moses can still keep his hand up. 17:14-16
- "Moses went up unto God, and the LORD called unto him out of the
mountain." So God is a talking mountain? 19:3
- God's got it all planned out. He will cover himself with a cloud, so that the people can hear him speak, so they'll believe whatever the hell
Moses tells them forever. 19:9
- God tells Moses to get ready for the third day, when he'll come down the mountain and stand in front of all the people. (Never happened.)
- A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai. 19:16-18
- Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21
- God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on
stairs are a problem.) 20:26
- If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned."
- If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner,
then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.".
- "Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's milk." 23:19
- God has hornets that bite and kill people. 23:28
- Moses, Aaron, and seventy of
their companions saw God. (They even got a peek at his feet!) 24:9-11
- "And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying......"
God wastes six chapters on divine instructions for making tables, candlesticks, snuffers,
- God decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets shall be made "for glory and beauty."
- God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:30
- Aaron must wear a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or God will kill him. 28:34-35
- God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness;
from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach." 28:42
- Priest must wear holy breeches or die!
"They shall be upon Aaron, and upon his sons, when they come in unto the tabernacle ... or ... die." 28:43
- God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside the camp as a sin offering. 29:14
- God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right
big toe, and then sprinkle the blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and on their garments. This
will make them "hallowed." 29:20-21
- God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul, kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread
or two, and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and his sons and they wave them
before the Lord. This is a wave offering. 29:22-24
- Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper.
- "Moreover the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Take thou also unto thee principal spices, of pure myrrh five hundred shekels,
and of sweet cinnamon half so much, even two hundred and fifty shekels ... And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying,
This shall be an holy anointing oil unto me throughout your generations. Upon man's flesh shall it not be poured."
- Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." 30:33
- And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38
- God's finger. 31:18
- Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then
punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35
- Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. 32:11-13
- "And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people." But how could a good God even consider doing
evil to anyone? 32:14
- "I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf."
Aaron just threw the gold earrings into the fire and (Presto!) out came a golden calf! 32:24
- Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf.
- After God killed some more Israelites in a plague
(God's 15th Killing
), he promised to lead them to a land flowing with milk and honey. He said he'd send an angel to drive out (kill?) all
the current inhabitants of the land. But God said he wouldn't be going along, saying that if he did, he'd end up killing
all of the Israelites for being so goddamned "stiffnecked." 33:1-3
- When the people heard God's promise/threat, they mourned and took off their ornaments. Which was a good thing, too,
since God said he'd kill them all on the spot if he saw any ornaments on them. (God hates ornaments.) 33:4-6
- "As Moses entered into the tabernacle, the cloudy pillar descended, and stood at the door of the tabernacle, and the Lord talked with Moses."
- Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does permit a peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning)
- God, "whose name is Jealous", will not tolerate the worship of any other god. 34:14
- One of the commandments of God is "Thou shalt not seeth a kid in its mother's milk." 34:26
- Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40 nights. 34:28
- After meeting God on mount Sinai, Moses had to cover his face with a veil to avoid frightening the
- God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals
must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions.
Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal,
kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor
unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9
- "For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17, 2:2, 9, 12,
3:5, 16, 6:15, 21
- "It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10
- "The fat that covereth the inwards ... and the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver.... It is ... a sweet savour unto the Lord."
- "The fat ... the whole rump ... the inwards ... the two kidneys ... burn it upon the altar:
it is the food of the offering made by fire unto the LORD." 3:9-11
- "All the fat is the Lord's."
When you do your burnt offerings, remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." (And he doesn't like to share!) 3:16
- "If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone "sin through
ignorance?" Don't you have to at least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful?
4:2, 13, 22, 27
- "The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the
- "And the skin of the bullock, and all his flesh, with his head, and with his legs, and his inwards, and his dung...."
What to do with the fat, kidneys, liver, skin, head, entrails, and dung from your burnt offerings. 4:11-12
- "If the whole congregation ... sin through ignorance" 4:13
- "Bring of the bullock's blood ... And the priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord."
- "Put some of the blood upon the horns of the altar ... and ... pour out all the blood ... and ... take all his fat from him, and burn it upon the altar."
- "When a ruler hath sinned ... through ignorance" 4:22
- "If any one of the common people sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring his offering, a kid of the goats,
a female without blemish, for his sin which he hath sinned."
If a common person sins through ignorance, then kill a female goat. (More important people must kill male goats.) 4:27-28
- "He shall take away all the fat ... and ... burn it upon the altar for a sweet savour unto the LORD." 4:31
- "If a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcase of an unclean beast, or a carcase of unclean cattle,
or the carcase of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty."
If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug), then you'll be both unclean and guilty. 5:2
- "Or if he touch the uncleanness of man ... he shall be guilty."
If you touch "the uncleanness of man" (?!) you'll be guilty. 5:3
- "Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good ... he shall be guilty."
If you swear to do something evil or good, you'll be guilty. 5:4
- "He shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD ... a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats."
If you touch an insect, dead animal, or "the uncleanness of man" or if you swear to do something good or bad (5:2-4), kill a female lamb or goat for God. (A female
will do since it's a minor offense.) 5:6
- "The Lord spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul ... sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD
a ram without blemish."
If you sin without knowing that you've done anything wrong, kill an unblemished ram for God. 5:14-15
- "If a soul sin ... though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity."
If you sin against your own will, you are still guilty. 5:17
- "Whatsoever shall touch the flesh thereof shall be holy."
Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering is holy.
- "Offer of it all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them ... and the caul that is above the liver."
- "The priest shall have to himself the skin of the burnt offering."
The priest gets all the skin to himself. Lucky! 7:8
- "And all the meat offering that is baken in the oven, and all that is dressed in the fryingpan,
and in the pan, shall be the priest's that offereth it."
The priest also gets all the meat in the frying pan. 7:9
- "And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have."
And Aaron's sons get all the meat and oil. 7:10
- "The flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings for thanksgiving shall be eaten the same day that it is offered;
he shall not leave any of it until the morning."
Be sure to eat all your sacrificed animals the same day that you kill them. Leftovers are not allowed! 7:15
- "If any of the flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings be eaten at all on the third day ...
it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrificial animals on the third day after you kill them. That is an abomination to God and he will
never forgive you for it! 7:18
- "And the flesh that toucheth any unclean thing shall not be eaten."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrificed animals if they have touched any unclean thing. 7:19
- "But the soul that eateth of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings ... having his uncleanness upon him,
even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
Don't eat any sacrificed animals while you have your uncleanness upon you. If you do, you'll be exiled. 7:20
- "Moreover the soul that shall touch any unclean thing, as the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any abominable
unclean thing, and eat of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which pertain unto the LORD, even that soul shall be cut off
from his people."
If you touch any unclean thing (like "the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any other abominable unclean thing")
while eating sacrificed animals, you will be exiled. 7:21
- "Ye shall eat no manner of fat ... for whosoever eateth the fat of the beast, of which men offer an offering made by fire unto the
LORD ... shall be cut off from his people."
Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or you will be exiled. 7:23-25
- "Moreover ye shall eat no manner of blood ... Whatsoever soul it be that eateth any manner of blood,
even that soul shall be cut off from his people." 7:26
- "The fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the LORD."
Wave the fat and the breast for "a wave offering before the Lord." 7:30
- "And the priest shall burn the fat upon the altar: but the breast shall be Aaron's and his sons'." 7:31
- "And the right shoulder shall ye give unto the priest for an heave offering." 7:32
- "He among the sons of Aaron, that offereth the blood of the peace offerings, and the fat, shall have the right shoulder for his part."
Aaron's sons get the right shoulder from all peace offerings. 7:33
- "For the wave breast and the heave shoulder ... a statute for ever."
Be sure to do your wave breast or heave shoulder today. It is a statute
- "Moses brought Aaron and ... he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod." 8:6-7
- "The Urim and Thummim"
The Urim and Thummim were like the two sides of a magic coin that could be flipped to to give a yes or no answer to any question.
They were also what Joseph Smith used to translate the Book of Mormon. 8:8
- Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears,
thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord.
Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord."
- "Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger .. and poured the blood at the bottom of the altar."
- "And he took all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and Moses burned it upon the altar."
- "But the bullock, and his hide, his flesh, and his dung, he burnt with fire without the camp; as the LORD commanded Moses."
- "Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot."
- "And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet:
and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:24
- "And he took the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys,
and their fat, and the right shoulder." 8:25
- "And he put all upon Aaron's hands, and upon his sons' hands, and waved them for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:27
- "Moses ... burnt them ... for a sweet savour." 8:28
- "And Moses took the breast, and waved it for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:29
- "And Moses took ... of the blood which was upon the altar, and sprinkled it upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon his
sons' garments." 8:30
- Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about,
burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord.
- "And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar."
- "But the fat, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver of the sin offering, he burnt upon the altar; as the LORD commanded Moses."
- "And the fat of the bullock and of the ram, the rump, and that which covereth the inwards, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver."
- "And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded." 9:21
- God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted and fell on
their faces." 9:24
- God will kill any priest that leaves the tabernacle. 10:7
- If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by by drinking "wine or strong drink," then God will kill them and send his
wrath on "all the people." "It shall be a statute for ever." 10:9
- "And the wave breast and heave shoulder shall ye eat in a clean place." 10:14
- "The heave shoulder and the wave breast ... bring with the offerings
made by fire of the fat, to wave it for a wave offering before the LORD." 10:15
- God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave offerings "by a statute
- Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God.
- Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19
- Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20
- Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish
God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since
God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know
how many legs they have! 11:23
- Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31
- If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if
your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean.
- "The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not
- "Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination."
- "Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or
whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42
- "Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth." 11:43
- "She shall be unclean."
Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their purification.
(And baby girls make them twice as sinful and dirty as baby boys do.) 12:1-5
- "If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days ... And she shall then
continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days."
If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must be purified for 33 days. 12:2, 4
- "But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks ... and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying
threescore and six days."
If a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God,
girls are twice as dirty as boys. 12:5
- "She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are
killed for him. 12:6
- "She shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood." 12:7
- "If she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean."
- "And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean." 13:40
- "And he that hath his hair fallen off from the part of his head toward his face, he is forehead bald: yet is he clean."
- God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the
dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off.
Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe.
Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe.
Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt
- "Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean ...
and the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water." 14:4
- "And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean,
and shall let the living bird loose." 14:7
- "And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish ...
And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering ... and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD."
- "And he shall slay the lamb ... in the holy place: ... it is most holy." 14:13
- "And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and ...
put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed,
and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:14
- "And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil
with his finger seven times before the LORD." 14:16
- "And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed,
and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering."
- "The priest shall offer the sin offering ... and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering." 14:19
- "If he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved ... and two turtledoves,
or two young pigeons ... and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering." 14:21-22
- "And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering ... and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:"
- "And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the
trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed,
and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:25
- "And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the LORD."
- "And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed,
and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot,
upon the place of the blood of the trespass offering." 14:28
- "And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get." 14:30
- "Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering."
- "He shall take to cleanse the house two birds ... And he shall kill the one of the birds ...
And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ...
and sprinkle the house seven times ... And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird." 14:49-52
- Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a
"running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him
that is clean...." 15:1-15
- "Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean." 15:4
- "And whosoever toucheth his bed shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:5
- "And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:6
- "And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:7
- "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:8
- "And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean." 15:9
- "And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even." 15:10
- "And whomsoever he toucheth ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:11
- "And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth ... shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water."
- "He that hath an issue ... shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing ... and shall be clean." 15:13
- "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself,
your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible.
- "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16
- "And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17
- "The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water,
and be unclean until the even." 15:18
- "And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean."
- "And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even."
- "Whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:22
- "And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even."
- "Every bed whereon she lieth ... and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:26
- "Whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean." 15:27
- "This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers,
and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean."
- "I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat." 16:2
- God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe,
smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all
the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:8-28
- "Take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it ... seven times." 16:14
- "Kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his blood ... and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat."
- "Take of the blood of the bullock, and of the blood of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about."
- "He shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times." 16:19
- "Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of
Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the
hand of a fit man into the wilderness. And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities." 16:21-22
- Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6
- Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them
to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
- "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is
apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman.
- If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out.
- "Keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations ... that the land spue not you out also,
when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you." 18:26-28
- "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a
mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." 19:19
- God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for three years
after the trees are planted. 19:23
- "Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times."
Don't eat anything with blood, or use magic or astrology. 19:26
- "Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard."
Don't round the corners of your head or beard. 19:27
- "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you."
Don't get an tatoos. 19:28
- Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31
- If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), all three
of your must be burned to death. 20:14
- Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of
their beard." 21:5
- The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for
his mother." 21:11
- Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it.
- Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God.
- A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God."
- A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from
him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be
- What to do if you eat some holy thing unwittingly. Important stuff that you need to know about. 22:14
- God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine
chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell
-- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18
- "Ye shall offer ... a male without blemish ... Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye
shall not offer these unto the LORD ... Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or
broken, or cut."
God wants us to kill lots of animals for him. Not just any animals, though. God only wants dead, male animals without any blemishes. Don't
kill any blind , broken, maimed, or scabbed, or female animials for him. 22:19-24
- God won't accept animal sacrifices from strangers, since strangers have blemishes and are corrupt. 22:25
- Don't kill animals for God until they are at least eight days old. And don't kill mother and her young on the same day. You can kill the
mom on one day and her young on the next. 22:27-28
- "Keep my commandments, and do them."
God wants everyone to do all the stuff he's commanded in Leviticus. 22:31
- God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000. 26:8
- God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual
stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the
little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send
wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your
sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do all these
nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41
- "And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins."
- "I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins." 26:21
- "I ... will punish you yet (another) seven times for your sins." 26:24
- "And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven,
and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied." 26:26
- "And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me ... then ... I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins."
- "I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours." 26:31
- The Israelite population went from seventy (Exodus 1:5) to
several million (over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. 1:45-46,
- The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then
makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm
done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall
bear her iniquity." 5:11-31
- "And the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be defiled:
or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be not defiled."
If a husband is jealous, his wife must submit to the law of jealousies whether she was "defiled" or not. 5:14
- "Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ... And the priest shall ... set her before the LORD ...
and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:15-17
- "And the priest shall ... say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee ... be thou free from this bitter water
that causeth the curse." 5:19
- "Then the priest
shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say
unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people,
when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:20-21
- "But if ... some man have lain with thee beside thine husband ... The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people,
when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:22
- "And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:24
- "And when he hath made her to drink the water ... if she be defiled ... the water that causeth the curse shall ... become bitter, and her belly shall swell,
and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people." 5:27
- "And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed." 5:28
- "Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:31
- "Take the Levites ... and let them shave all their flesh ... and so make themselves clean."
To get really clean, you've got to shave off your pubic hair. 8:6-7
- All firstborn Israelites, "both man and beast", belong to God. He got them the day that he killed every Egyptian firstborn
child and animal. 8:17
- If on the Passover, you are unclean because you've touched a dead body, then you can't observe the Passover
with everyone else. You must wait one month and celebrate it then. 9:11-12
- When the tabernacle was set up, it was covered by a cloud during the day and by fire all night. 9:15
- God led the Israelites from one camp to the other with a cloud. When the cloud stopped and rested someplace, the Israelites pitched their
tents. When the cloud started moving again, the Israelites followed it. 9:16-23
- "And if ye go to war ... ye shall blow an alarm with the trumpets ... and ye shall be saved from your enemies." 10:9
- God continues (mis)leading the Israelites through the wilderness with a cloud. 10:11-12
- "And the cloud of the LORD was upon them by day." 10:34
- "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it (He had his hearing aid on.) .... and his
anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them."
God burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them! 11:1-2
- The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says he'll
give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole
month, until it come out of [their] nostrils, and it be loathsome to [them]." Yuck.
- "As a nursing father beareth the suckling child...." 11:12
- When Moses doubts that God can feed his 600,000 soldiers and their families, God says to him,
"Has my hand gotten shorter lately?" 11:23
- God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking
the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3
trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million
- "Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way
to describe on of the cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he probably didn't). Moses, as he is described
in the Bible, is anything but meek (See 31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness").
- "If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto him in a dream." Now
there's a reliable way to communicate with someone! 12:6
- "And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days?"
- God tells Moses to send 12 men, one from each tribe of Israel, to "spy out the land of Canaan." When the spies return,
they give Moses two reports. Caleb and Joshua (Oshea the son of Nun) say it'd be easy to take over the land. The other ten say
it would be hard, since the people that live there are giants. (The scouts were like grasshoppers in comparison.)
- "They ... cut down ... a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff."
A single cluster of grapes was so heavy that it took two men to carry it. I guess that's what you'd expect, though,
since they were in the land of giants. (See verses 32-33.) 13:23
- "And there we saw the giants
... And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their
sight." This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical
exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been
about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted
when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in
Genesis 6:4 Of course, these superhuman god-men should have been
destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33
- "Moses and Aaron fell on their faces." 14:5
- "Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes." 14:6
- "All the congregation bade stone them with stones."
The people have had enough of wandering around in the desert and they don't much want to fight giants (see 13:33),
so they decide to stone Joshua and his merry men (with stones). 14:10a
- "The glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel."
But before the people get started with the stoning, God shows up in all his glory. 14:10b
- God tells Moses that he is going to kill all of the Israelites -- every last whining one of the them, and then
make a whole bunch of brand new Israelites. 14:12
- Moses tries to talk God out of killing everyone by telling him that the Egyptians will hear about it and will say that
he wasn't able to lead the Israelites to Israel, so he killed them all instead. 14:13-19
- "Thy cloud standeth over them, and that thou goest before them, by day time in a pillar of a cloud, and in a pillar of fire by night."
- It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time,
would have taken no more than a few weeks. 14:33, 32:13
- God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning
flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24
- "If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an
action is wrong for it to be sinful? Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by God if you kill
some animals. 15:27-30
- Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker, God gets down to some more important business
-- like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments. 15:38-39
- "And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face." 16:4
- "The glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation." 16:19
- "And they fell upon their faces." 16:22
- After burning the the 250 guys that offered incense, God tells Moses to keep their censers (because they are holy) to remind everyone
not to offer incense without a license. 16:36-40
- "Behold ... the glory of the Lord appeared." 16:42
- "And they fell upon their faces." 16:45
- "Take a censer ... and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them."
Moses tells Aaron to burn some incense to make God quit killing people. (God just killed 250 for burning incense.)
- Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud, bloom, and yield almonds.
- God threatens to kill those who murmur. To which the people reply, "Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish ....
Shall we be consumed with dying?" 17:12-13
- "They shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die."
Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close.
- God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to
God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-believers perform these
sacrifices anymore? Don't they realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't they believe God when
he says "forever"? 18:17-19
- "Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die."
- "Neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die." 18:32
- "This is the ordinance of the law which the LORD hath commanded."
These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally
important to God. They are to be "a perpetual statute" for everyone on earth. 19:1-22
- "Take of her blood with his finger, and sprinkle ... seven times."
God's instructions for putting blood on fingers, sprinkling it around, and then burning the dung of sacrificial animals.
This is something that everyone needs to know about. (That's why it's in the Bible!). 19:4-5
- "Then the priest shall wash his clothes, and he shall bathe ... and shall be unclean until the even." (The guy who burns
the dung also has to take a bath, which sounds like a pretty good idea to me.) 19:7-8
- "And a man that is clean shall gather up the ashes of the heifer ... and it shall be kept ... for a water of separation:
it is a purification for sin."
After you kill and burn the dung of the red heifer have a clean guy gather the ashes and then be sure to keep them for
"a water of separation: it is a purification for sin." 19:9
- "He that gathereth the ashes of the heifer shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even; and it shall be ...
a statute forever." 19:10
- He that toucheth the dead body of any man shall be unclean seven days." (Bad news for understakers.)
- He shall purify himself with it on the third day, and on the seventh day he shall be clean:
but if he purify not himself the third day, then the seventh day he shall not be clean."
(Use the "water of separation" made from the ashes of the dung of the red heifer. See 19:9.)
- "Whosoever toucheth the dead body of any man that is dead, and purifieth not himself ... shall be cut off from Israel:
because the water of separation was not sprinkled upon him, he shall be unclean; his uncleanness is yet upon him."
- "When a man dieth in a tent: all that come into the tent, and all that is in the tent, shall be unclean seven days."
- "And every open vessel, which hath no covering bound upon it, is unclean." (Don't you just hate it when people
leave the lid off containers?) 19:15
- "And whosoever toucheth one that is slain with a sword ... or a dead body, or a bone of a man, or a grave,
shall be unclean seven days." 19:16
- "And for an unclean person they shall take of the ashes of the burnt heifer ... And a clean person shall take hyssop,
and dip it in the water, and sprinkle it ... upon him that touched a bone, or one slain, or one dead, or a grave. And the clean
person shall sprinkle upon the unclean on the third day, and on the seventh day: and on the seventh day he shall purify himself,
and wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and shall be clean at even." (Well that sounds simple enough!)
- "But the man that shall be unclean ... shall be cut off ... the water of separation hath not been sprinkled
upon him; he is unclean." 19:20
- "It shall be a perpetual statute ... that he that sprinkleth the water of separation shall wash his clothes;
and he that toucheth the water of separation shall be unclean until even." 19:21
- "And whatsoever the unclean person toucheth shall be unclean; and the soul that toucheth it shall be unclean until even."
- And they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them." 20:6
- Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before
in Exodus 17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as
God asked him to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the
promised land. 20:8-12
- Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out. 20:11
- God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die.
- To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second
commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were previously bit by
God's snakes. 21:8
- "The Book of the wars of the Lord"
(One of the lost books of the Bible) 21:14
- "And the ass saw the angel of the LORD." 22:23
- God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with thee?" 22:9
- God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them,
just as God had commanded. "And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions!
- Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. 22:28-30
- "Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD
standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he ... fell flat on his face." 22:31
- God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16
- God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22
- Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live
until the time of King Saul. (See 1Samuel 15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.)
- God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his
arrows. What a guy! 24:8
- God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21
- In these chapters (28, 29), God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of
their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour."
- "The LORD's anger was kindled ... and he sware."
Even God gets angry and swears sometimes. 32:10
- "He made them wander in the wilderness forty years."
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks.
- If a person accidentally kills someone, then she should go to a city of refuge. If she can get to the city of refuge before the
"revenger of blood" (the victim's closest relative) can catch her, then she is safe, at least until the high priest dies
(I don't know what he has to do with it). But if she is caught outside the city of refuge, then the revenger of blood can kill her.
- "But if the slayer shall at any time come without the border of the city of his refuge ... and the revenger of blood kill the slayer; he shall not be guilty of blood. Because he should have remained in the city of his refuge until the death of the high priest"
If the accidental killer leaves the city of refuge and is caught by the revenger of blood, then the revenger can legally kill the accidental killer.
- "Ye are this day as the stars of heaven for multitude ... The LORD God of your fathers make you
a thousand times so many more."
The author (and God if he inspired him) obviously had no idea how many stars there are.
- "The people is greater and taller than we ... we have seen the sons of the Anakims there."
More giants in the promised land. 1:28
- It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time,
would have taken no more than a few weeks. 2:7, 8:2,
- God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they were the descendents of Lot's drunken,
incestuous affair with his daughters (Genesis 19:30-38). 2:9, 19
- "A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time."
(They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11,
- "The hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed."
God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done.
- Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and
6 feet wide). 3:11
- When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you."
- "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of
those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version.
- Wear the commandments on your hand and head (between the eyes). 6:8,
- God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send
infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15
- God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you,
a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23
- The Israelites clothing didn't wear out while wandering around in the desert for 40 years.
(God made the childrens' shoes grow with their feet so they wouldn't need new ones!) 8:4
- "Who led thee through that great and terrible wilderness, wherein were
fiery serpents? ... Who brought thee forth water out of the rock of flint?" 8:15
- God makes people wealthy (or poor). 8:17-18
- "A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims."
More giants! 9:2
- "When I was gone up into the mount to receive the tables of stone ... I abode in the mount forty days and forty nights, I neither did eat bread nor drink water." 9:9
- Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart."
- After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all the strangers that they encounter
(Dt 7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore
the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19
- God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his commands. Why then don't modern
Bible-believers stone to death blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32
- Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1
- "Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing." 14:3
- This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8
- Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't
be eaten. 14:10
- To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18
- Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil a kid
(young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21
- Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky! 17:1
- God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4
- If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a
heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!)
- Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations.
- Women are not to wear men's clothing and vice versa -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5
- "Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together." 22:10
- "Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together." 22:11
- Thou shalt make fringes on your garments. 22:12
- You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off.
- God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation."
So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth
certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God.
- God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst
of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14
- Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the
- If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife -- whether she likes him or
not, and whether she wants to or not. If he refuses, the dead
man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
- If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye
shall not pity her." 25:11-12
- "I have not ... given ought thereof for the dead.
Don't feed the dead people. 26:14
- Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15
- "Cursed be he that lieth with his
father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." How does
having sex with the father's wife uncover the father's skirt? Well, I guess it's
because the father owns his wife. The offense is against him, not her. 27:20
- "Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen."
- "Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen."
- "Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen."
- "Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." 27:26
- "Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be
cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16
- "Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out."
- "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall
be iron." 28:23
- "The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed."
- "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the
itch, whereof thou canst be healed." 28:27
- "The Lord will smite thee with madness, and , and astonishment of heart." 28:28
- "The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall
be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44
- The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They
just don't make them like they used to! 29:5
- God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6
- God appears as a cloud over the tabernacle and makes a long speech to Moses, saying that Moses will die, the people will go whoring
after other gods, so God will punish them by having them devoured by evil. 31:15-21
- God tells the Israelites to teach a song to their children, but doesn't say what song it is that they are supposed to teach.
- "Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions
- God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8
- Joseph's "horns are like the horns of unicorns." 33:17
- Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own death and burial.