"The whole congregation together was forty and two thousand tree hundred and threescore
[42,360]." Yet if we count up all of the numbers in the list just given in
Ezra 2:3-62 we obtain a different number: 29,818. 2:65
When Ezra hears of the intermarriages, he tears up his clothes, plucks out his hair and beard, and sits
down astonished. 9:3
"And in every province ... many lay in sackcloth and ashes." 4:3
Haman's wife and friends tell Haman to have a 25 meter high gallows be made to hang Mordecai on. So they did that in a single day.
The king couldn't sleep so he asked someone to read to him the book of Chronicles.
That ought to do it! 1 Chornicles is probably the most boring book ever written. No one can read
it without falling asleep. 6:1
The king had completely forgotten that he had ordered the genocide of the Jews back in chapter 3.
At Esther's request, the king orders a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from Egypt to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned
to kill Jews shall be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day.
(How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill them all and let God sort it out?
And why did they need to kill the women and children?) 8:9-13
On the day when all Jew-haters (and their families) were killed by Jews, "the Jews had light, and gladness, and joy, and honour
... a feast and a good day." 8:16-17
Job was a perfect man, the richest in all the east. He had 7 sons and 3 daughters that liked to party. The sons often
invited their sister over to party with them. 1:1-4
"There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect."
Nobody's perfect. Well, except for Job (and Noah). 1:1
God makes a bet with his son, Satan. God tells Satan to do nasty things to Job to see if he can get him to curse God to his face.
The sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them."
Satan is the son of God -- the only one that God ever seems to talk to. 1:6, 2:1
God asks where Satan has been lately (apparently God didn't know), and Satan answered
saying, "From walking to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down on it." This verse inspired
From the Earth.. 1:7, 2:2
God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12
God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't "foolishly" blame
God. Since God was responsible, why would it be foolish to blame God? 1:20-22
God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react.
"So went Satan forth from
the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his
"They rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads." 2:12
The morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy." 38:7
God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it. 38:13
God has snow and hail stored up to use later in time of trouble and war. 38:22
"Out of whose womb came the ice?"
Gosh, I don't know. Was it Glinda, the Good Witch of the North? 38:29
"Who can stay the bottles of heaven?" Gosh, I don't know. I didn't even know there were any bottles in heaven.
"Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" The unicorn referred to here is probably not the single-horned mythical creature, but rather
a wild ox that was mistranslated in the KJV. 39:9-10
Bible believers have identified the behemoth as
a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way
these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I
made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing
sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with
"Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?" 41:1
After God and Satan get done tormenting Job, God gave Job even more stuff than he had before, including
children. God gave Job another set of 10 kids, with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15
Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who are poor or hungry
just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10
"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all."
Nothing bad ever happens to righteous folks. 34:19
Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who starve to death
didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3
If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4
The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In nature they inherit nothing, but die painful deaths from
disease, starvation, and predation. 37:11
The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's
not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity
was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
God's clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. 45:8
Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They tell lies immediately after birth
(before they can even talk!). 58:3
According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move
They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good
reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14
"The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented. 59:10
God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that he doesn't.
Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says that he will throw his shoe at them. 60:7-8
"The earth shook, the heavens also dropped at the presence of God: even
Sinai itself was moved at the presence of God." 68:8
God has 20,000 chariots and thousands of angels. "The Lord is among them."
The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins
continually to shake." 69:23-28
God rides on the heavens of heavens, he sends out his mighty voice, his strength is in the clouds,
and he is terrible in his holy places. 68:33-35
"I made sackcloth also my garment; and I became a proverb to them." 69:11
"He rained flesh also upon them as dust, and feathered fowls like as the sand of the sea."
See Numbers 11:20-32, where God sends quails to feed the Israelites until it literally came out their
"And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He kicked their ass.) 78:66
"I have said, Ye are gods." Jesus quotes this verse in John 10:34 to get out of a tough spot. (He was
claiming to be God for which the Jews accused him of blasphemy.) 82:6
"I will make mention of Rahab"
Rahab is a sea-demon or dragon from ancient Jewish folklore. 87:4
"Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10
The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect -- "like the horn of a unicorn."
"They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing."
Being fat is is sure sign of righteousness. (Wicked people are skinny and hungry.) 92:12-14
"A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about." 97:3
"The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases. Medical science is
"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy."
Is this the same guy who demanded that peoples' heads be hung up before him to appease his fierce anger
(Numbers 25:4), and who
ordered the slaughter of thousands of innocent men, women, children
(1 Samuel 15:2-3)? 103:8
"He smote ... their fig trees." (God hates figs) 105:33
"The waters stood above the mountains."
Noah's flood covered the highest mountains, just like it says in Genesis 7:20. 104:6-7
"God ... turned the rock into a standing water, the flint into a fountain of waters." 114:7-8
"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." 116:15
Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease." 119:69-70
"The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon
by night." So believers don't have to bother with sunscreen. God will protect them from
sunburn, and moonburn too. 121:5-6
"Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee."
Jews, Christians, and Muslims all love Jerusalem, and fight each other for the holy city, exclusively given to them by God. None of them prosper.
"Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it."
God doesn't build houses or watch over cities; people do. 127:1
"He giveth his beloved sleep."
Don't bother getting up early and working hard. If God loves you, you can sleep in and let God
take care you. 127:2
"To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever."
God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever."
"If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning.
If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth." 137:5-6
God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18
"The proverbs of Solomon"
The book of Proverbs was written several centuries after Solomon supposedly lived. So it wasn't written by Solomon.
It was forged by someone who claimed to be Solomon. 1:1, 10:1
"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge." 1:7
"Whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil."
Whoever listens to God (or wisdom, or whoever is talking here) will always be safe. 1:33
"The LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding." 2:6
If you keep the commandments, you'll have a long and peacful life. 3:1-2
"Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to understand things; just accept whatever
the bible and your religious leaders tell you. 3:5
If you give money to God, he will make you rich and you'll have lots of wine. 3:9-10
"The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem ... I the Preacher was king over Israel in Jerusalem ... I am come to great
estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me."
The author of Ecclesiastes claims to be the wise, rich son of King David, which is to say, Solomon. He isn't. Ecclesiastes was written
(forged) about six hundred years after Solomon died (if he ever lived, that is). 1:1, 12, 16
"He hath made every thing beautiful."
Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells, bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes.
"No man can find out the work that God maketh."
Science is impossible. We can learn nothing at all about the natural world. 3:11b
"I praised the dead which are already dead more than the living
which are yet alive." 4:2
"The fool foldeth his hands together, and eateth his own flesh." 4:5
"If two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?" 4:11
"Neither say thou before the angel, that it was an error: wherefore should God be angry at
thy voice, and destroy the work of thine hands?"
Don't admit making an error to an angel or God will get angry and destroy your work. 5:6
"The sleep of a labouring man is sweet, whether he eat little or much: but
the abundance of the rich will not suffer him to sleep."
Hungry people always sleep well; rich people never do. 5:12
"That which is far off, and exceeding deep, who can find it out?"
Who can find out? We can by using science! The earth, ocean, solar system, galaxy, and universe -- nothing is too deep or far away for
science to discover and explore. 7:24
"Then I beheld all the work of God, that a man cannot find out the work
that is done under the sun: because though a man labour to seek it out, yet
he shall not find it; yea farther; though a wise man think to know it, yet
shall he not be able to find it."
Oh, I think science has done a pretty good job of finding things out over the last four centuries or so. 8:16
"Let thy garments be always white; and let thy head lack no ointment." 9:8
"A wise man's heart is at his right hand; but a fool's heart at his left." 10:2
"He that is a fool walketh by the way ... he saith to every one that he is a fool."
You can tell a fool by the way he walks. 10:3
"Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days." 11:1
"Give a portion to seven, and also to eight; for thou knowest not what evil
shall be upon the earth." 11:2
"In the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be." 11:3
"He that observeth the wind shall not sow; and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap." 11:4
"The song of songs, which is Solomon's."
The author claims to be Solomon. He isn't. The Song of Solomon (aka "The Song of Songs") was written (forged) several hundred
years after Solomon died (if he ever lived, that is). 1:1
"Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up
from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among
"Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there
hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men." 4:14
Thy teeth are as a flock of sheep which go up from the washing, whereof
every one beareth twins, and there is not one barren among them. 6:6
"Thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus." 7:4
"Ye shall be confounded for the gardens that ye have chosen." (God hates gardeners.) 1:29
"When he ariseth to shake terribly the earth."
(Earthquakes happen when God gets angry.) 2:19, 21
"Instead of a sweet smell there shall be stink ...
instead of well set hair baldness ... and burning instead of beauty." 3:24
After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up
"a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5
"He has stretched forth his hand against them ... and the hills did tremble." (God makes earthquakes when he gets angry.)
"He [God] ... will hiss unto them from the end of the earth."(The earth is flat and has an end.) 5:26
"I [Isaiah] saw also the LORD sitting upon a throne." 6:1
Isaiah sees angels with six wings. Two to cover his face, two to cover his feet, and two to fly with. 6:2
When the angels (or God?) cry, the door posts move and the house fills with smoke. 6:4
"Woe is me! ... because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips." 6:5
An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7
"The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18
God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair,
Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then
tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3
God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must
have some pretty bad breath! 11:4
God will girdle his loins with righteousness and his kidneys ("reins" in the KJV) with faithfulness.
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders.
Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they
continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25
"And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a
cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 11:8
The moon produces its own light and the earth does not move (except
when God gets angry and shakes the heavens). 13:10-13
Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22
Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened
to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29
Every head will be bald, every beard will be shaved, and everyone will howl and weep abundantly. 15:2-3
"Therefore shall Moab howl for Moab, every one shall howl." 16:7
"Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward
parts for Kirharesh." 16:11
"Within three years ... the glory of Moab shall be contemned, with all that great multitude; and the remnant
shall be very small and feeble." 16:14
God will ride in on a cloud and scare the hell out of the Egyptians. 19:1
Egypt will become weakened and frightened "like unto women" when God shakes his hand over it.
God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder."
In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered."
While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3
"In that day did the Lord GOD of hosts call ... to baldness, and to girding with sackcloth." 22:12
"The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18
Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord."
God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until
it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20
"The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard."
(Earthquakes are all a part of God's wondrous plan.) 24:18-20
God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon.
"For the Lord shall rise up ... that he may do his work, his strange work; and bring
to pass his act, his strange act." 28:21
God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding.
Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign
of, God's wrath. 29:7
"Woe to the rebellious children, saith the LORD, that take counsel, but not
of me." 30:1
Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent."
"The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be
sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only
reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see
it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26
God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28
"The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall shew
the lighting down of his armwith the indignation of his anger, and with
the flame of a devouring fire, with scattering, and tempest, and hailstones." 30:30
"Through the voice of the LORD shall the Assyrian be beaten down." 30:31
God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he even kindles a fire with it. 30:33
God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up
out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3
"The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4
"And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7
Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses.
"And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness."
Pat Robertson and other whacked out Christians believe "the highway of holiness" is I-35. 700 Club: I-35 Can Stop Homosexuality35:8
"When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes, and covered himself with sackcloth." 37:1
An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold,
they were all dead men." 37:36
God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8
The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same happens with people. 40:7
"The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over
with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven
God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of
roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13
"When thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned." 43:2
"I, even I, am the LORD; and beside me there is no saviour."
Not even Jesus? 43:11
Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20
"He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh
bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm,
I have seen the fire."
God makes diviners mad, turns wise men backwards, makes knowledge foolish, and dries up the oceans and rivers. King Cyrus is God's shepherd.