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Absurdity: Colossians - Hebrews

Colossians | 1 Thessalonians | 2 Thessalonians | 1 Timothy | 2 Timothy | Titus | Philemon | Hebrews

  1. "Who is the image of the invisible God"
    What would an image of an invisible God look like? The invisible and the non-existent very much alike. 1:15

  2. "The gospel ... was preached to every creature under heaven." 1:23

  3. "Rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in my flesh."
    The suffering Jesus was not sufficient to satisfy God's wrath, so Paul (or whoever wrote Colossians) had to make up for what was lacking with his own sufferings. 1:24

  4. "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8

  5. "Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal."
    A slave owner that did this would set his slaves free. 4:1

    1 Thessalonians

  6. The elect and the damned are predestined by God. 1:4

  7. Paul, with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy, just, and blameless. 2:10

  8. Paul would have arrived earlier, but Satan hindered him. 2:18

  9. "Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming?"
    Paul believed that those alive in 49 CE would live to see Jesus come. 2:19

  10. "We told you before that we should suffer tribulation; even as it came to pass."
    Paul thought that the tribulation that he believed would precede Jesus' coming had already passed. 3:4

  11. Every man should know how to possess his penis or his wife (depending on the translation) in a holy way. 4:4

  12. "Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss." 5:26

    2 Thessalonians

  13. "Be not soon shaken in mind ... by letter as from us."
    What letter is being referred to here? Is it 1 Thessalonians? If so, then should Christians not read it to avoid being "skaken in mind?" 2:2

  14. If Paul wrote this letter (and many scholars think he didn't), then he is changing his mind (since writing 1 Thessalonians) about the timing of the Christ's return. The day of the Lord is no longer at hand. In fact it's nowhere near. Many things must happen first: there will be a great "falling away", a "man of sin" will be reveled, and Satan will show off his power by doing all kinds of signs and wonders. 2:2-9

  15. Jesus will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his mouth." 2:8

  16. Satan, not God, is all-powerful. 2:9

    1 Timothy

  17. "Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies." If we follow this advice we would ignore most of the Bible -- especially the genealogies found in Gen 10, 1 Chr 1-9, Mt 1, and Lk 3. 1:4

  18. "Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme." Apparently (see 2 Tim 2:16-18 and 4:14-15) their "blasphemy" was disagreeing with Paul. 1:20

  19. Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned after, Eve. But even though women are inferior to men, they shouldn't be discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15

  20. "A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have several. 3:2

  21. "In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4

  22. "Bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8

  23. You should help a widow only if she: has no children or nephews; is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time; is not living in pleasure (a widow living in pleasure is the living dead); is over 60 years old; had only one husband; has raised children; has lodged strangers; has washed the saints' feet; has relieved the afflicted; and has diligently followed every good work. 5:3-10

  24. Never help a young widow (one under 60 years old). When they wax wanton against Christ, they'll get married, and be damned to hell for rejecting their faith. Besides, young widows are idle busybodies, wandering around from house to house saying things they shouldn't say. They should get married and have children (though they'll be damned to hell for it). Heck, some of them have already turned aside after Satan. 5:11-15

  25. Paul advises us to stop drinking water. Rather, he says that we should drink wine for our "stomach's" sakes. 5:23

    2 Timothy

  26. The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26

  27. "All scripture is given by the inspiration of God." Even Judges 19:22-30 and Ezekiel 23:20? 3:16


  28. "God, that cannot lie" God, like George Washington (but unlike the author of Titus who falsely claims to be Paul), cannot tell a lie. 1:2

  29. The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12

  30. Disregard "Jewish fables and commandments.quot; Like most of the Bible, maybe? 1:14

  31. "The grace of God ... hath appeared to all men." At the time this statement was written, only a very small minority had seen or heard about Jesus. And still today there are those who have never heard his name. 2:11

  32. "Not by works ... but ... by the washing ... of the Holy Ghost."
    People aren't saved by doing good things, but by the arbitrary decision of God. He decides who gets washed by the Holy Ghost and who doesn't. Hasa diga eebowai. 3:5

  33. "Avoid ... genealogies." Like Gen 10, 1 Chr 1-9, Mt 1 and Lk 3? 3:9


  34. Refreshing the bowels of the saints in the Lord 7, 12, 20


  35. God swears by himself to himself. 6:13

  36. "Melchisedec ... to whom also Abraham gave a tenth part of all." Abraham gave Melchisedec one-tenth of all of the booty from "the slaughter of the kings," setting a fine example for religious hucksters everywhere. 7:1-2

  37. Melchisedec had no father or mother. He was never born (he just appeared ready-made by God) and he never died. He's still around somewhere. 7:1-3

  38. God will not forgive anyone unless something is killed for him in a bloody manner. 9:13-22

  39. "For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry." 10:37

  40. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
    Faith is believing without evidence things that you wish were true (but aren't). 11:1

  41. "Enoch was translated that he should not see death." 11:5

  42. "By faith Noah ... condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith." 11:7

  43. "Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed." 11:11

  44. "Therefore sprang ... so many as the stars of the sky ... and as the sand ... by the sea shore innumerable." (OK, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration.) 11:12

  45. "By faith they passed through the Red sea as by dry land." 11:29

  46. "By faith the walls of Jericho fell down." 11:30

  47. "Time would fail me to tell of Gideon, and of Barak, and of Samson, and of Jephthah; of David also, and Samuel, and of the prophets."
    The heroes of faith: Gideon, Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel. It would be hard to find a more monstrous group than these guys. 11:32

  48. "Others were tortured ... that they might obtain a better resurrection." 11:35

  49. "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." 12:6

  50. "What son is he whom the father chasteneth not?"
    What kind of father doesn't beat his sons now and then? 12:7

  51. God always hurts the ones he loves. And if God doesn't hurt you, you are a bastard, not a son. 12:8

  52. God ordered animals to be "stoned, or thrust through with a dart" if they "so much as ... touch the mountain." 12:20

  53. "Ye are come ... to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things that that of Abel." 12:22-24

  54. "Whose voice then shook the earth: but now he hath promised, saying ... I shake not the earth only, but also heaven."
    When God speaks there are earthquakes (and heavenquakes). 12:26

  55. Be hospitable to strangers for "thereby some have entertained angels." 13:2

  56. Avoid "strange doctrines." Those who do so will avoid nearly everything that the Bible teaches. 13:9